MSTed: A Fear Of Love A Fear Of Battle (1/?)
Bryan Lambert
Welcome, friends, Romans, and countrymen, to this, my fifth official
MSTing, and the first (to my knowledge) Buffy: The Vampire Slayer MSTing.
As always, comments, praise, and brickbats go to bryn...@minn.net. These
and my other MSTings can be found both on Web Site #9 and my own web page,
The Messy Canvas, at http://www1.minn.net/~bryncthy/.
[Season 8 Opening]
Tom is standing in front of the desk, wearing a white chef's hat, a fake,
plastered-on beard. Cambot puts up a gold border around the screen, with
the title "Bot Du Jour" at the bottom. Soft classical music plays in the
background. Tom is surrounded by various cooking paraphernalia, food
ingredients, and a bowl of ramchips to one side.
M. VOICE: Today on "Bot Du Jour", eminent chef Thomas Servo of Sol
Restaurant will be preparing some of his signature dishes.
Tom has been classically trained in Europe, but brings his
own special robotic sensitivity to the plate.
[Border and music fades]
TOM: Hello, and welcome to Bot Du Jour. Today, I'll be preparing an
entire meal around one of the more overlooked ingredients in
classic French cuisine, the ramchip. I'll be starting with a
lovely appetizer of ramchip white truffle ravioli. Here we
have our fresh pasta dough. Take the ramchip and place it in the
center of the dough circle. Then take one raw egg yolk and...
At this point, Crow comes in quickly, grabs the ramchip, and runs off stage.
TOM: Crow! Come back here!
As he chases after Crow, Gypsy comes in from the other side, grabs the bowl
of ramchips in her mouth, and dashes off.
TOM: Hey! What gives!
[Mike enters in front of desk.]
MIKE: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name's Mike
Nelson, and in between watching crappy movies, we get to read
crappy fanfics. And in between -those-, we find other ways to
amuse ourselves. Tom, for example, is a big fan of the TV
Food Network.
[Bots enter. Tom is breathing heavily]
TOM: Why did you ruin my cooking show!
CROW: Well, you were about to do a bunch of stupid French cooking
things to the ramchips with runny eggs and fungus and stuff.
TOM; But I didn't even get to my eight minute dissertation on the
proper sparkling wine to go with ramchip confitte.
GYPSY: A brassy Italian spumanti. Duh, Tom.
TOM: It's not that simple, Gypsy! Haven't you ever watched "Taste"?
MIKE: OK, let's stop before this turns into an episode of "Three Bot
Bakery". Anyway, Rosengarten, Lagassi and Batali are calling.
[Widowmaker]
PEARL: Enough with the cuisine, Nelstonegroundcorn. It's been a really
rough week, and I need to take it out on somebody.
[SOL]
MIKE: Well that's too bad (softly) for us... (normal) What happened?
[Widowmaker]
PEARL: Well, it just so happens that the WB's broadcast transmissions
have finally made it to this sector of space. I finally get to
see David Boreanaz, and it turns out he's been dead for five
centuries. Which is going to make it mighty difficult for him
to be a proper love slave. Since I'm bitter, I'm going to send
you a couple of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer fanfics I found while
looking for pictures of my dear David. Try to enjoy them
somehow.
[SOL]
ALL: We've got fanfic siiiiiiign!
[Door Sequence]
>Cyberslayer
MIKE: Now, there's a title that makes you think. Of course, it makes
you think "Coming to video this fall! From Full Moon Video!"
>by Dingo & Katrina (bust...@hotmail.com)
CROW: A dingo ate my baby! While walking on sunshine!
>Buffy sat in her chair in english,
MIKE: I didn't realize she had a choice.
CROW: I guess Buffy's got a multilingual butt.
> for once. She was doing her work
>when Willow passed her a note.
TOM: "Stay away from Xander if you ever want to see Senor Gordo
again."
> She started to think that Willow passing
>a note was quite unusual, and that the note was unusually heavy.
MIKE: And that the note was written on a brick. And that the brick was
flying toward her head.
> Buffy
>opened the note and a cd fell out looking at the cd for a while
CROW: Tee-hee... it's shiny. Look! Rainbows!
> she
>thought that maybe the note would explain.
TOM: Even though she was the Slayer, decoding the digital information
with her eyes was a skill Giles hadn't taught her yet.
>"Buffy:
>This disc will allow you access to some killer stuff
MIKE: Ah, it's from Buffy's Colombian connection.
> if you are
>wondering what this is all about then run this software.
CROW: What about -us-? How are -we- supposed to find out?
TOM: And how are we supposed to care?
>Good luck,
>Angel "
CROW: Tonight, on a very special episode of Buffy, the Slayer is...
Touched by an Angel.
MIKE: That's about enough of that.
CROW: Well, that's what happened during the "Two Night Event".
>At lunch Buffy, Willow and Xander went to the library and tried the cd
>on the computer that Willow had received from CRD after the demon
>incident.
TOM: Boy, that must keep the taxes low in Sunnydale. The school's
equipment is all Slayer plunder!
> Buffy sat down at the com and put the disc in the slot and
>clicked on the icon on the desktop put the stuff on and said
MIKE: I think that's a long-lost verse from "Subterranean Homesick
Blues".
> one of her
>quotables
CROW: I'll take Quotient Quotables for $400, Alex.
> "oh spandex and it's stretchy like most spandex is well lets
>go"
ALL: <stunned silence>
MIKE: Did anyone get the license plate on that dialogue?
> as she turned it on she felt a cold shiver down her back. within a
>few seconds she was in cyberspace and killing vampires.
TOM: OK, near as I can tell, some form of futurey VR gear somehow
ended up in Buffy's possession, along with the CD.
CROW: Either that, or she's combined Magic Fingers, stirrup pants,
and delusional fantasy as her spring ensemble.
>"that's a good thing rite...rite? hello?... hey Buffy you there?"said
>Xander. Buffy had been completley sucked in to the computer.
MIKE: Well, not -completely-. One of her toes was sticking out of the
mouse port. But close enough.
>in the computer lab...
BOTS: o/~ Pa rum pa pum pum.. this story ain't so fab, pa rum pa pum pum. o/~
>"hello?" Stammered Rupert Giles, as he gingerly walked into the
>computer lab, expecting at any moment, one of the machines to spring to
>life.
TOM: So, this would be the clever characterization of Giles as a
complete and utter pansy?
MIKE: Pretty much.
>"hey giles is that you?" Said the lovely technopagan, seated in the
>back, working at a computer.
CROW: Well, who else would stammer and walk gingerly? Certainly not
Snyder.
MIKE: I wonder which lovely technopagan we're about to meet?
>"yes where are you?" He asked.
TOM: Well, they broke up for a while. There were the usual solo
projects, the misguided "Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, and Howe"
deal, but now there's talk of some kind of reunion thing.
>"In the back." Was her reply.
MIKE: I think we're all big enough to leave that straight line alone,
for a change.
>"will you come to the library with me?" He asked while adjusting his
>glasses, and walking up to her.
CROW: And chewing gum. And patting his head. And rubbing his belly.
>"Rupert are you coming on to me?" She asked without looking up.
MIKE: A deft and subtle handling of the Giles/Calendar sexual tension.
>"No, most certainly not." He stammered, turning beet red.
TOM: So Ms. Calendar made yummy borscht out of him.
>"will you help me back here" She asked
MIKE: Again, a less cultured individual would have something to
contribute here.
>"sorry, no time. This is an emergency. Buffy is in the computer and we
>can't get her out." He explained, suddenly grabbing her attention.
TOM: So -that's- what the faculty is calling it these days.
CROW: [Ralph Wiggum] Mr. Giles and Ms. Calendar were in the computer
lab and they were making babies and I saw one of the babies and
the baby looked at me.
>"ok but i'm not touching any demon binding rituals." She said
>hesitantly
TOM: So she's not sure if she's going to refuse to touch a demon-
binding ritual?
MIKE: Some technopagan SHE is.
>in the library...
ALL: [singing] You can sail the seven seas!
>"We still cant get her out" Said Willow, as her and Xander tried failed
>attempt after failed attempt.
MIKE: If you can call tugging on that toe and typing "EJECT BUFFY" in
a DOS window "attempts".
>in the computer...
>"Hello?" said Buffy in a frightened tone as she walked toward the man
>at the end of the street.
CROW: So, cyberspace has... streets, now. OK.
TOM: This story sought out William Gibson and killed him just so it could
make him spin in his grave.
> he turned around and just as Buffy realised
>that she was in the computer
TOM: And just how did she "realise" this? She doesn't even have her
"vamp sense" from the movies.
MIKE: Maybe she noticed non-stop arguments about Starship Troopers
in a nearby cafe. That'd tip me off right away.
> she saw this guys fangs and then she was
>in the library again willow stood holding the vr helmet as the two
>teachers walked in.
CROW: Why didn't they figure that out earlier?
MIKE: Well, technically, that helmet hadn't been mentioned in the story
yet, so it didn't exist for them to take off.
>"Oh you got her out did you well we will be going now."said Miss.
>Calender as she walked away.
TOM: [As Calendar] Note to myself. Get new agent. Pronto.
>"But there are vamps in cyberspace i was to be the cyberslayer that's
>why angel gave me that stuff" Sighed Buffy
MIKE: No, he gave you that stuff because it was made out of SPANDEX,
Buffy. And he's got kind of a kink for big wired gloves and
helmets.
>"I don't think that you have to worry about that, they came out with
>you" Said Giles rather hurridly.
CROW: Maybe Willow should have left the VR helmets on all the other
vampires.
>"How would you know that?" Asked Buffy
>"Cause they're right here"Giles said as Buffy took three arrows and and
>a crossbow blew the curtains clear off the bar.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAH!
MIKE: Boy, that action sequence kind of snuck up on ya.
CROW: I never liked those curtains anyway. But why does the library
have a bar?
TOM: Well, did you see "The Dark Age"?
CROW: Ah, right. "Ripper" needs his gin.
>first period after lunch...
MIKE: Wait, that's it? What happened to the vampires? To the VR gear?
Why are we at epilogue now?
>Buffy went to gym and Willow and Xander went to the computer lab and
>they all went on with there normal day as if nothing happened.
TOM: Well, I can see that... huh?
>THE END
ALL: [stunned silence]
CROW: Er...
TOM: Oh. Well.
MIKE: I guess that's it then.
[Door sequence]
Mike and the bots are just standing around, looking shell-shocked. Mike
is staring off-camera, Tom is shaking his head slowly, and Crow is just
shuddering and twitching. Tom finally stops and looks around.
TOM: Guys, we've got... to snap out of it. That wasn't too bad, right?
We survived the ending to "Monster A Go-Go", didn't we?
MIKE: [eyes focus] I guess you're right, Tom. Let's look on the bright
side. This -was- a Buffy story, which means it at least had some
fine ladies in it.
CROW: [muttering] ... took what arrows? Curtains? A bar? Where did that
helmet come from, anyway?
MIKE: I know. Let's have a debate! We can debate which Buffy female is
the most desirable. I say Willow.
TOM: Willow. Crow?
CROW: [still muttering] ...and then it just stopped... huh? [normal
voice]. Oh. Definitely Willow. [mutters some more]
GYPSY: [off-stage] Willow!
MIKE: Gypsy!
GYPSY: Well, it's true!
[There are a series of materializations:]
PITCH: Willow!
NUVEEENA: Willow!
WITCH: Willow!
SPACE KIDS: We like Willow!
KRANKOR: Willow! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JAPANESE KIDS: We like Willow VERY MUCH!
[Cut to Planet of the Apes]
APES: Willow! Ook Ook!
[Cut to Roman Planet]
ROMANS: Veni, Vidi, Willow!
[Cut to Widowmaker:]
BOBO: Willow.
OBSERVER: Willow.
PEARL: Yup, gotta go with Willow. Now get your hinders back in the
theater. The Buffy pain isn't over yet.
[Cut to SOL:]
MIKE: We've got even more fanfic sign!
[Door Sequence]
>A Fear of Love a Fear of Battle
>by Jo (vbu...@aol.com)
CROW: I'm guessing this is NOT the "Jo" from "Facts of Life".
>Buffy tapped her pen lightly against her desk. 'When is this class
>gonna end?' she thought. She stared at her watch '30 more minutes and
>I'll go out of my mind.'
CROW: Tick.... tick... tick... Boogaboogabooga!
TOM: And they carted her away in a straightjacket. The end.
> Finally the bell rang and the slayer packed up
>her books and walked slowly to the library.
TOM: Slowly she walked. Step by step. Inch by inch.
MIKE: Do you think all Buffy fanfic authors go for this kind of stream-
of-consciousness, end a sentence whenever the hell you feel like
it style?
>"Hey giles you here?" She looked around curiously.
CROW: It's the J. Giles Band! [sings] My slayer is a centerfold!
MIKE: You wish. Actually, at this point, I think we all wish.
> All of a sudden he
>pops out of a small hole in the wall, left over from the night of the
>prophecy.
CROW: Giles is now a happy little library woodchuck!
> Buffy let out a hair raising scream.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!
MIKE: [Buffy] When did you turn into a woodchuck!
TOM: A few paragraphs in, and Buffy, mighty Slayer, is startled by
a librarian. This does not bode well.
>"Buffy it's only me!" he crawled out of the hole and fell on his back.
ALL: [laugh weakly]
MIKE: Slapstick in a fanfic. Just say no, kids.
---------Bryan Lambert----<bryn...@minn.net---------
RATTM's Official Biggest Wuss: Watch out!
Future Keeper/Maintainer: "Modern Space Ghost FAQ"
-<Visit the Messy Canvas: www1.minn.net/~bryncthy>---