Mistied: Star Trek: A Royal Mess (3/4)
Suzanne Schroeder
Joel: Hey Tom, what are you up to?
Tom: (dressed in glam with a James Dean Pompadour)
I have decided to remake a cover by Morrissey.
Crow: (disgusted) Why?
Tom: Well, many people think his work is too depressing, so I've taken
the liberty of rewriting the lyrics to one of his songs. This is the
song formerly known as "Now My Heart is Full."
Joel: Take it away.
Tom: Cambot, the music...
"A Chair's been reduced to rubble
The whole house will need rebuilding.
And everyone I know, will be passed out around the living room couch
quite soon.
Your dorky friend plays his collection of Foreigner's greatest hits which
empties the room.
Tell all of John's friends.
And the friends of Sammy, to stay away from the fine washables of my
mother.
Darryl, Darryl, Larry, Kermit
All Night Bingers, Never Sober.
And I'm getting wasted again
A beer again, a beer again,
And now my bladder's full.
Now, my bladder's full.
And I don't have time to explain
Or I'll burst if I try to.
Barney Miller, Twinkie, Rhubarb
Every beer slamming they get violent.
Their back teeth float, they need a dentist
Their back teeth float, they need a dentist.
Underaged, oversexed relations
"Oh, but Cindy, I *love* you."
A beer again, A beer again,
And now my bladder's full.
Now, my bladder's full
And I don't have time to explain,
Or I'll burst if I try to.
Oh...."
Crow: Hmm. Nice space filler.
(lights flash)
All: Ratliff sign!
>Chapter Three
>
> Queen Victoria
Joel: Is coming around the first stretch followed closely by Queen
Victoria and Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria bringing up the end.....
>the First of Essex watched her Prime Minister and
>boy-friend leave the Prime Minister's residence for Parliament.
Crow: What happened? Did her boyfriend disjoin from the Prime
Minister? Is her boyfriend Leonard?
>He was
>going before a special session of Parliament to announce her ascension to
>the throne.
Tom: And to tell them ŚHands offą.
> After he left her field of view, the Queen turned back into
>the living room in 10 Downing Street
Crow: Cool! Sheąs a shape shifter!
> (deliberately named after the
>residence in Great Britain on Earth). She turned on the holovision and
>tuned in P-SPAN.
Joel: Only to find that even 300 years later, they still havenąt
finished debating the O.J. verdict.
> On the screen a woman in a conservative suit, was saying. "As
>you know last night the Royal Palace was blown up." A brief shot of the
>still smoldering Palace ruins was shown.
Crow: Hey, itąs only stock footage of the Buckingham palace fire.
>"In that blast King George the
>Fourth and many of his heirs and family members where killed.
Joel: You know, thatąs how Jeff Foxworthy pronounces Śwere.ą
>Only one
>member of the Royal family escaped, who was, according to unofficial
>sources, out getting pizza.
Tom: (reporter) (snickering) *ahem* sorry.
>That member, Lady Victoria Eugene of
>Greensdale,
Joel: (reporter) No relation to the farmer in the Dell.
>is about to be announced as our new Queen, Queen Victoria,
>first of the name."
> "Little is known about our new monarch.
Crow: (reporter) Sheąs not very interesting.
>The daughter of
>Princess Isabel, second daughter of the King tended to stay in the
>background, like all of Princess Isabels children. What
>is known is that she has a very strong friendship with the Prime
>Minister. No recent picture of our new Queen is available.
Joel: (reporter) But, we can get Dateline to provide us with photos
even if they have to make them up.
>However the
>Prime Minister has said that one will be provided as soon as she recovers
>from the shock of the bombing."
Tom: (reporter) Which should happen sometime around noon today.
> "I'm told that the Prime Minister is entering the House of
>Commons now. We go there now."
Crow: Yes, Iąm Peter Arnett reporting from the blown out ruins of the
royal palace...
> The view shifted to the speakers podium in the Essex House of
>Commons chamber. The chamber was done up in oak paneling. Down the center
>of the chamber was a large oak table. On each side were green leather
>benches. On the speakers right stood the ruling Conservative Party.
Joel: Newt Gingrich, no!
>On the
>Left the now Queen's Loyal Opposition stood. All the members were dressed
>in black suits with ties which indicated their party.
Crow: Look! There are Men in Black! Maybe there is hope for an X-Files
crossover!
>As the Prime Minister
>approached the speaker's dais and podium just below a higher dais were the
>monarch would sit during a normal opening of Parliament.
Tom: So, thatąs what Ratliff does with his Hąs! He steals them from
words that need them.
> "The chair
>recognizes the member from South Londonderry," the speaker said.
> The Prime Minister took the podium. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>fellow members of Parliament and the Loyal Opposition alike, I regret to
>inform you that last night his majesty King George the Fourth, King of
>Essex, Defender of the Realm and Head of the State, passed away.
Crow: No. Youąre kidding. Hadnąt heard about it.
>He will
>be missed by all. So we are gathered here today to announce the ascension
>of his heir.
Joel: (Lancaster) Enough mourning. Out with the old. In with the
new.
>His sole surviving heir, Lady Victoria of Greensdale wishes
>to ascend the throne as Queen Victoria the First. There are no other or
>better claims. Shall she ascend?"
Tom: She didnąt say Śpleaseą!
> "So she shall," the members of Parliament replied in unison.
> "Since we are in agreement, Let us announce the ascension of her
>Majesty,"
All: (yelling) The acension of her majesty!
> the Prime Minister announced. "Long may her majesty, Queen
>Victoria the First, Queen of Essex, Defender of the Realm and Head of State,
>reign. God Save the Queen."
> "God Save the Queen." the Parliament responded.
Crow: God save Freddy Mercury.
> "I must leave now to inform the Queen of her ascension," the
>Prime Minister pronounced.
Joel: Yeah, since her TV was blown up in the blast and all... While Iąm
up here, let me say that we are having a canned food drive for her
Majesty and are collecting any clothes new and used anyone may wish to
donate to her.
> "Go and inform," the Parliament replied.
Tom: Get off the stage!
> Prime Minister William Lancaster exited the chamber and walked
>toward the front exit. As he cleared the columns, the House of Parliament
>exploded.
Joel: Are you saying that they all got so excited that they burst?
> Just minutes before, the Enterprise-E had entered orbit. "Now
>entering standard orbit," Commander Riker reported.
> "You never forget do you, Commander," Admiral Picard asked.
Crow: (Riker) Yeah, heh heh, you know what they say about helming the
conn...
> "No but, I do need more practice," Riker replied. "I intend to
>beat Marrissa next time."
Tom: (Picard) Please be careful not to leave any visible scars.
> "I wish you luck, Number One," the Admiral said. "However,
>beating my daughter at her own game is next to impossible. Data, have you
>ever done any of Marrissa's training sessions?"
Crow: (Data) I still have the scars, sir.
> "I have, Admiral," Data replied. "However I am still having
>problems finishing them."
Joel: Okay. I could buy Riker losing, but Data????
> "Data, for some reason I assumed that you of all my crew would
>beat my daughter," Admiral Picard responded.
Tom: Ratliff notices his own plot hole........
> "Then you assumed incorrectly," Data answered.
Tom: ....and falls right in.
> "Perhaps," Admiral Picard said. "Mr. Worf, are your investigative
>teams ready?"
Joel: (Worf) Investigative Reports will be ready by the air date.
> "They are, Admiral," Worf confirmed. As he did so he noticed
>something on his controls.
Crow: (Worf) Jeri Curl?
> "Admiral, there has just been another explosion
>on the planets surface. Attempting to locate ... It is the House of
>Parliament."
Joel: Can I guess that the IRA might be around here somewhere?
> "Data, confirm," Admiral Picard responded.
> "Readings confirmed," Data verified. "My instruments indicate
>three survivors."
Tom: (Data) Apparently they came out of the Parliament bar drunk and
took a wrong turn.
> "Admiral Picard to Doctor Picard," the Admiral ordered.
Joel: That has got to seem schizophrenic.
> "Doctor Picard here."
> "Ready sickbay for bomb victims," the Admiral ordered his wife.
>"Data, have transporter rooms beam them directly to Sickbay. Worf, see if
>you can raise anyone in Essex's government."
Crow: (Worf) But, Sir, that would mean learning how to change diapers
and mix formula.
>
> Queen Victoria had turned off the holovision after the Prime
>Minister left the chamber to inform her of her ascension.
>As she sat waiting
>for him to arrive, the Prime Minister's commications equipment began ringing.
>Moving to the Communication Center on the other side of the Living room,
>Victoria answered the call, "This is Lady -- I mean Queen Victoria, how may
>I help you?"
Joel: (Victoria) No, sorry, we quit taking orders for the Capodimante.
No you canąt talk to the host.
> A veiw of the Bridge of the Enterprise appeared on the Prime
>Minister's 16 inch communication screen. Commander Riker was at CONN;
Tom: After all, he is a trombone player.
Joel: You have bought yourself some time.
>Lieutenant Commander Data at Ops; Lieutenant Commander Worf at Tactical;
>Counselor Troi was seated in her usual seat.
Crow: Doing absolutely nothing as usual.
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
>stood between Ops and CONN.
Joel: Donąt say it!
Tom: Conn.
Crow: Dąoh!
>"Your Majesty, I am Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
>of the Federation Starship Enterprise," the Admiral began. "We had just
>arrived when your House of Parliament exploded. We have beamed three
>surviours aboard."
Tom: (Picard) We leave you to sort through the rubble.
> The Queen went white. "Who survived?" she asked.
Joel: (Picard) The survivors! Jeez, don't you listen?
> "Mr. Data?" Picard inquired.
> "Sickbay has identified the survivors as Prime Minister William
>Lancaster, Reporter Mary Brinkley,
Crow: Is this David Brinkleyąs descendant?
Tom: No, he never dies. He only has an operation.
>and Cameraman George Greenway," Data
>replied.
> "Could you beam me aboard?" the Queen said, nearly breaking into
>tears.
Joel: Wow, if it's that difficult to ask for a favor, she should take
assertiveness training courses.
> "Certainly,"
Tom: Hey, Moe! Nyuk Nyuk.
>Admiral Picard said. "Enterprise out. Counselor,
>Data, Number One, will you join me in the transporter room. Worf, you have
>the bridge. Start sending your away teams down."
Joel: Call me crazy, but I think those are aweigh teams, but points for
trying.
>The Admiral tapped his
>badge. "Commander LaForge, report to transporter room 3."
Crow: (Picard) Marrissaąs perfect office can wait.