MSTied: A radio interview with quiffhead
Suzanne
Radio Interview with Morrissey
By: Suzanne
SETTING: SOL on just your average day. Mike is alone and stomping around
swinging his arms and singing “Don’t mess with my 2-2" at the top of his
lungs.
Crow: (bursts in) Hey, Mike, what are we doing here?
Mike Arrgh! Nothing nothing at all......
Crow: I thought the mads were done with us. Light’s been flashing for
about 2 minutes now.
Mike: Oh......Well, I.....(hits button)
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Boobies, we pulled you out of the moth balls because
we have a doozie.
Tom: Oh, yeah, we did Manos hands of fate, and what do you bring for us to
cut down?
Dr. F: It’s a little piece of tripe with wasted opportunities complete with
random fans, DJ’s who haven’t bathed since last week’s party, and a goofy
little rock star we like to call Morrissey. You know, James Carville, how
they say truth is stranger than fiction?
Mike: Um....
Dr. F: Well, this all took place, and that’s all you need to know.
>Morrissey interviewed on KCXX Radio, San Bernardino, August 9,
1998
Crow: A date that will live in the history books.
>KCXX: We have a new CD coming out for you, but it's actually not a new CD.
Mike: If you haven’t seen it before, it’s new to you! And you can find it
on NBC.
>Can you kind of explain
>what the concept of "My Early Burglary Years" is?
Tom: It’s a new comedy for the TGIF lineup on ABC with the ex-cast of Mr.
Belvedere. To introduce the series, we plan on having Estelle Getty pay a
special guest visit where she comes to borrow some Depends, and breaks a
hip.
Crow: “No, please, Estelle, no rush on returning them....”
>Morrissey: There's no great concept, really.
Mike: The truth finally comes out.....
>It's just a collection of songs, ones which aren't
>very well known,
Tom: Good lord! This album must be a quadruple disk!
Crow: Ah, I can feel the author is going to get letters on this....
>many of which weren't released in this country before.
Mike: But were migrant farming until they got their visas.
> And it's just
>gathering certain things that have strayed away over the years.
Tom: Until the tax man looked the other way and then they somehow
mysteriously appeared.
>And it's just reminding
>people that, you know, I'm still here and I'm... vaguely alive.
Crow: “And with your contribution of a mere $0.60 a day, I can receive the
food, schooling and the clean water people in my village are denied every
day......you say ‘no’ every time you turn off the radio.....you say ‘no’
every time you leave for a toilet break....”
>Which is the question everyone's wondering - is this just a bridge thing
so you can do this while >you're
>putting together a new record for next year?
Mike: Feels more like a Root Canal than a Bridge.....
>In a way it is, yeah, in a way it is. But I wouldn't let it be done if it
wasn't tasteful and it is
>reasonably tasteful. It's a very, very nice package.
Tom: The cover art will use the same guy with the afro on the cover of
“Pure Funk”
>There's some tracks that you can't get here but there's also some live
versions of some songs on here
>too.
Tom: “They were bootlegged by some guy with a cheap tape recorder stuffed
into his crotch. I simply adore the sound quality of this uniquely placed
recorder.”
>How did you go about picking what you picked?
Crow: “I thought we weren’t here to discuss my booger collection.”
>Well, most of them were released in England but were never released here
so I thought it
>would be quite nice to gather them together and allow people to take it if
they wanted it.
Mike: But hey, it’s OK as long as you are comfortable with who you are and
the decision doesn’t affect your well being, then I’m OK with you. No,
really......I am...... *sigh*
>Now this first track we're going to hear, this is actually an enhanced CD
as well.
Crow: Alright! A CD with a boob job!
Tom: Crow! He means the CD has computer software on it.
Crow: Alright! All the silicon I want!
Tom: This coming from a robot.....
>Now there's a performance on this, is that true as well?
Mike: “ I swear! I was young, and needed the money...”
>There is a video film, yes.
Tom: “Why they chose footage of Meatloaf singing “I would do anything for
love” instead of anything on my CD is beyond me.”
>Now what made you decide to do the enhanced CD version and do you surf the
net?
Tom: $40 says he goes Ronald Reagan on this.
>The net is a mystery to me as Howie will tell you.
Mike: Howie doesn’t believe I am old enough to know where nets come from.
>It's an absolute mystery to me. I don't know
>anything about the net at all. In fact, I'm still grappling with cassettes
and so forth.
Crow: So, that’s the problem! He’s using old Commodore 64 that use
cassettes to store data!
Tom: “Gee, I tried to put the telephone plug into the disc drive and
nothing happened! Maybe a joystick and this floppy called ‘Frogger’ will
help.”
>So, I'm not a net person.
Mike: “No fish net stockings for me. I’m strictly a L’eggs girl.”
>Track two is called "At Amber" and I have to ask you what does "At Amber"
mean to start with?
Crow: I think it’s the Jurrassic Park screenplay in song form.
>What does it mean? It means... In England traffic lights are red, amber,
and green which
>they're not here, and amber is being in a state of flux, neither going nor
stopping, it's
>somewhere in the middle.
Mike: yeah, but cops know the difference. Especially when they are meeting
their ticket quotas for the month.
>Now, do you drive over here?
Tom “I fly to the states because my car will sink and be compressed by the
water pressure under the ocean.”
>I drive over here, yes.
Crow: “People have compared my driving to Lt. Frank Drebin, whatever that
means...”
>I find it easier to drive here and when I go back to England I begin to
>make really silly mistakes.
>Like driving on the other side of the road?
Tom: “No, like releasing Roy’s Keen as a single.”
>Well, yes, yes. Sometimes I begin on the wrong side, which is your side,
and it's catastrophic
>really. But it's easier to drive here.
>It is? Why is it easier to drive here?
Mike: Duh! Because the vast majority of the people on the planet are right
handed, but the Brits, still pissed that they lost the Battle of Hastings
or some crap decided they were going to drive on the other side of the road
so when confused tourists look the wrong way and cross the street, they
will be plowed over....one by one Britain will finally raise itself in
ranking to the 30th most powerful nation in the world...
>I don't know. Maybe it's because the people drive slower. Because in
England they drive
>very, very fast. Which is gripping stuff really. (laughs)
Crow: The hell? I guess driving in the US with roads filled with
substandard drivers somehow fits his driving logic more.
>Have you had any real harrowing experiences?
Mike: Not in the front seat of a car, no........no, I take that back.
Driving to the 7-11, my front seat sees more action than my backseat.
>What, behind the wheel? Absolutely never, no. I'm a very good driver. And
people are
>surprised when I say that or when they find out. I don't know why. I think
it's something to do
>with artistic types always being a bit nervy.
Tom: No, they’re just shocked that you physically drive yourself anywhere.
>Is it hard to get a driver's license here when you come over?
>You just use your English driver's license. But there's some law I believe
that after two years
>you have to take the American test, which I never have but maybe I
should... and maybe I'll
>fail.
Mike: Ah, Negative Nancy strikes again.
Crow: I think he should try for his 18 Wheeler Truck license. To come
driving up to his next radio interview in a Semi with a pocketful of Skoal
would just do wonders for his image.
>Oh, I don't think so. You're a good driver. You're an excellent driver.
Crow:: Ha ha! Rain Man reference...
“He’s an excellent driver....a very excellent driver.....”
>It's always the best drivers that fail at things.
Tom: Ha! That’s what she said *wink wink* say no more.....
>Fawning Fan:
Mike: Oh God, here we go......
>Hi my name is Ramon of San Bernandino and my question is there is a
picture of you in a few
>books where you are resting yourself on a tombstone which has your name on
it and your date of
>birth and the year 1986. What does this picture mean for you and why 1986?
Tom: And what do you want on your tombstone?
Crow: Anchovies, Olives, and Pineapple.
>Well, Ramon, the answer is very simple. '86 because that was the year that
the picture was
>taken and '59 because that was the year when I was born and nothing beyond
that. Very,
>very simple... but not implying that I planned to die in '86.
Mike: But it just happened that way. Who can ever top 86?
>Just because that was the time it
>was.
Crow: If his tombstone was next to an urn of his charred remains, I would
be very worried.
Mike: *sigh* Some people watch movies like “Night of the Living Dead” and
take it seriously.
>So there you go. Now track 3 that we're going to move on to is called
"Cosmic Dancer". Tell me >about that.
Tom: A bit of filler. Well, actually, the album editor got whacked out on
speed and pasted that one in.
>It's a song that was made famous in England by T Rex. Do you know of T
Rex?
>Yes, I know Marc Bolan and the whole glam deal. I'm actually your age.
Mike: (Grumpy old man voice) Back in my day, we didn’t have no “glam.” We
had to dress up in our sister’s prom dresses and sing to Paul Anka albums
in the local poufter bars and say “Hey look at me! I’m a freak!” and
that’s the way it is and WE LIKED IT!!!!
>How old are you?
>Well, just a couple of years younger.
Tom: Yet, still not as old as my own schtick.....
>Right, so you're not really my age, are you?
Crow: Hey, that’s what she said....
>Well, we would have went to high school at the same time. How's that?
Mike: Assuming Morrissey was the older kid who got held back a few years,
yes.
>I didn't go to high school. I was a criminal.
Tom: I spent most of my time in detention for quoting Keats out of turn....
>Um... it was written by Marc Bolan and it's one of
>his nicer moments.
Mike: A pure triumph of the human heart.
>What motivates you to do someone else's music?
Tom: Sex. I must want to sleep with someone before I will do anything
musically related with them.
>Well, T Rex were very special to me because they were the first group I
saw in '72. So... very
>passionate moment for me.
Crow: Like the day I discovered good tasting English food.
>I was 12 and a half I think at the time which is quite young to see
>somebody like that because he was quite wild in his own way.
Mike: Ha. He comes from the same country where they considered Fergie a
breath of fresh air to the monarchy.
>And that's a pretty cool show to go to. Most people at that age would see
the Spice Girls.
Tom: Back in the days that they were zygotes.
>Exactly. I mean, you can draw direct parallels.
Mike: “...but I was more sad to not find that great cuisine again.....”
>But at this T Rex show it was incredible
>because people literally were breaking their necks against the stage.
Crow: Sadly, for civilization, most of them survived and procreated.
Whatever happened to Darwinism?
>Really extreme. And a
>memory to cherish.
Mike: Ha! Those wild and wacky Brits.
>In your first days of going to concerts were you one of those people that
went for the front and just >had
>to be as close as you can be?
Tom: I can hear T-Rex....”Hey...it’s that kid again. Security!”
>I've always been one of those people. Whatever the category, I've been one
of those people.
Crow: OK, I take that as a blanket statement. That means he also enjoyed
Ishtar, drinks beer because it tastes good, and sprays himself with Raid
when he goes to detox just so when he yells “Get the bugs off!” it sounds
twice as strange.
>Yes, I was one of those people who would actually turn up at noon and I
would be pressed
>against the door if it wasn't a seated venue,
Mike: As opposed to being pressed up against the supermarket window like he
did on normal days of the week for no reason.
Tom: I don’t think Britain had supermarkets back then.
Mike: Hush, boy....
>so you'd have to run straight to the front and
>you'd just stare for fifteen hours and by the time the group came on you
were so exhausted
>and you left ten minutes later. You saw nothing. It was great.
Crow: The thrill of a cold and erotic door was gone. It had been a full
day.
Mike: Hey, the closest I ever got to the stage at any concert was Blur at
Liberty Lunch, looked straight up Damon Albarn’s nose I did. Being crushed
and rubbed against stupid 16 year olds cured me of that.
Crow: Crybaby.
Tom: Yeah, I just happen to know that some people suffered a much worse
fate than you ever did at a gig. At least you weren’t a straight man being
bumped into by another man’s fully hardened...
Others: ENOUGH!!!!
Author: Ah, me, always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
>Is there anybody now that you're really excited to see?
Mike: In the way that Tom was talking about?
>No. They're all dead.
Crow: Not into necrophilia, I see....
>No new upcoming acts, anything like that?
>Absolutely not.
Author: *cough*
>Another Fawning Fan:
Crow: (They Might Be Giants’ Particle Man) Fawning Fan Fawning
Fan.....Fawning fan hates stupid fawning fan, they have a fight, stupid
fawning fan wins. Fawning fan.....
>My name's Ben from Reno Valley and my question is I've been hearing a lot
of rumors about an
>early retirement and I was wondering if they were true. And also when is
the next time you were
>coming down for a tour.
Mike: I can’t argue with this question. I’m guessing it’s the one
intelligent question we will get for the evening, so Crow, Tom, join me in
basking in the afterglow....
All: Ahhhhh........
>Well, Ben, an early retirement, I don't think so because I have been
around for something like
>fifteen years so early retirement isn't really possible now.
Tom: “I’m not old enough for social security, so I want to be a welfare
mother.”
>And I really want to play as soon as
>I can. I'd like to do a college tour of this country as soon as possible.
Crow:”I’m going to be Rodney Daingerfield in ‘Back to school’. So, I’m
looking to adopt a young college age boy to pester.’”
>So I'm really trying.
>Cool?
Mike: Ya digg!
>Do you remember the college date you did here at Claremont at Bridges
Auditorium which was on
.your last tour?
>Oh yes, that was a great night.
Tom: Yeah, the way security pummeled the fans made it all worthwhile.
>Do you like doing theaters or outdoor?
Tom: Look, I know Moz does kinky stuff, but doing a hole in the wall is a
sign of desperation.
Mike: I don’t think that was a sex question.
>What kind of venues do you like to play?
>Not really outdoor because I prefer indoor. The sound is better because
it's contained and
>the place is warmer which makes it easier to sing. But I think I'm a
person of the
>college/university type or a very small decrepit theater. Anywhere that's
you know basically a
>struggle to get to.
Crow: He announces his tour dates and everyone notices he’s playing College
Station. When asked why he chose those towns, he simply said “I like to go
to places which are culturally depraved located in areas no one wants to go
to. Poor Aggies. Their horses can only go so far”
>Now track 4 of the CD obviously has the sad title of "Nobody Loves Me".
Tom: Yeah, the poor slob couldn’t be bothered to come up with a decent
title.
>Well, I think it's a happy title.
Mike: “Ah, yes....I remember the day I wrote it. Last winter when I was so
happy that I cracked a smile....”
>It depends on how you say it really. "Nobody Loves Us."
>"Nobody Less Us"?
Crow: Hey, that’s catchier.
>No, "Nobody Loves Us". And it's a beautiful song never released in this
country before but I
>think one of my best, IF I may be allowed to say that.
Tom: Well, OK. Just this once. Next time, we’ll have to get out the
nightstick if you make uppity comments like that again.
>Well, you certainly may.
>Well, I've just said it.
Crow: Moz, buddy, you sound like you can’t be arsed tonight.
>We move on to track 5, "A Swallow On My Neck". You always have these great
interesting titles.
Mike: But your ass is more interesting to kiss...
>Yeah, do I have... [Morrissey sounds as if he's about to say, 'Do I have
to explain what this is
>about'] Um... It's about having a tattoo stamped on your neck which is a
fantastic statement
>and always looks great I think unless it says something like, you know,
AC/DC.
Crow: Yeah, a “tattoo” displays to the world that somebody’s getting some
hot loving!
Tom: Knowing Morrissey, he would hide it in shame. “Dude, if my Mom saw
this...”
>Do you have any tattoos?
>Yes, I have an AC/DC tattoo actually. Recently erased. I had to have it
erased.
All: *cough*
Mike: The “gay” comments were too much for him.
>Is it the "Back In Black"?
>You've got it, you've got it. I think tattoos on necks can be very
impressive, but why don't I
>have one? Well, call me a coward.
Tom: “Girls are icky”
>John and I get to go to London for the first time this year so we're
really excited about that. Is there
>anywhere that you have not travelled yet that you'd still like to go or do
you have a favorite place to >go?
Crow: (sexily) “I like the tourist bureaus themselves.”
>No, there's lots of places. I'd like to see Turkey, I'd like to see
Moscow, and I'd like to see...
>(muffled) South Africa... from a plane... flying on the way to New
Zealand.
>Are you kind of a summer place kind of a guy? Do you like to go where it's
sunny?
Mike: Hey, you’re talking to Mr. Sunshine right here.
>I'm actually an autumn type, really. Everything falling onto the ground,
that's me. I'm not of
>the seasons really. I just go where the wind takes me... which is downtown
L.A.
Crow: On wind alone? My God, you need to cut out the Mexican food......
Tom: “And on my own hot air I like to travel to China on the off seasons.”
>Another Fawning Fan:
>I wish to fawn because there's a man there in a studio who taught me what
a "sycophantic slag" was
>and what "flatulence" was and I really do enjoy him and I just want to ask
the question if he feels...
>what do you do in your spare time being such a poet? What do you do that
makes you happy?
Mike: O-K. You admire Morrissey because he taught you what flatulence is?
Tom: Some people need to get out more.
Crow: If his parent’s didn’t teach him that much, he must be one of these
people who think you get a girl pregnant by sticking a wee-wee in her
bellybutton.
Tom: Christ, and all this time he would have asked his friends, but he was
just too embarassed. All those evenings of lighting his farts denied.
>What do I do? Very little, I don't really have traditional...
Mike: Except flatulating on sycophantic slags.
Crow: And hiring other people to do my nails.
>They cut me off.
All: Lorena Bobbitt, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>You're still there, we can hear you.
Crow: Unfortunatly......
>Is that a hard question?
Tom: I’ve got things harder than that.......heh heh heh
>It's an easy question. Can I answer it? I like swimming.
Mike: ....nude in jello.....
>You're a big swimmer.
>Yes.
Tom: Well, big boned, if you want to be technical.
>Do you do all the strokes and all that?
Crow: Hey, I thought we were talking about swimming....
>No. I have dreams about further sports but I don't know people who are
involved in sports
>and you have to otherwise you can't do them. I mean, you'd look very silly
playing a game of
>baseball by yourself.
Tom: Humans haven’t evolved to the point of being pitcher and catcher.
>So all I can do is swim, really.
>Do you like to do snorkeling and swimming in the ocean and stuff like
that?
Mike: Then, cutting yourself and leaving a trail of blood for sharks?
Tom: Yes, I do it because I think it would make a cool song.
>No, I just like doing it in a really tiny pool in the back garden... with
no water.
>Well, that could be tough.
>Not really. Use your imagination.
All: *whistling*
>Incredibly Lame Fawning Fan:
Crow: I’m really worried about Moz’s fan base.
>Hi, I'm Pat. My question was, Mr. Morrissey, if you had a message for the
youth of America what
>would it be?
Mike: Live with your Mom
Crow: Drop your hair dryer in the sink.
Tom: Put me in your will.
Mike: See what Denny’s tastes like sober.
>Well, Pat, that's a very difficult question. That's very difficult.
Crow: consider he is no longer young.
>What would your message for
>the youth of America be? Do you mind if I ask?
Mike: The DARE program is a bunch of dirty lies.....but wait until you get
to college and find that out. That way, they’ll leave you alone.
>I couldn't quite make that out I'm sorry.
Tom: neither could WE. Get on with this!
>It's a very difficult question. I wondered what your message would be for
the youth of
>America? What would you say to young people? See, you don't know.
Crow: If it’s blue, I’ll marry you.....
>Are you at a loss for words Pat or did you not hear the question?
>No, I could not hear it, I'm sorry.
Mike: Just like Abbott and Costello.
>We've reversed the question to you. What would you say?
>Well, let's see... "live life for the fullest"... "for oneself be true"...
and "fulfill all you can".
Tom: NEVER ask Miss America contestants for this information.
>[Can you say
>'Dial-A-Cliche'? - T.M.]
>You took the words out of my mouth. Thank you.
>I think that that works for me.
Mike: *whew* Morrissey barely got out of that alive. My heart was pounding
for a second.
>Me too, me too.
>We're up to track 10 on the new CD. As we move to track 10, this one is
called "Reader Meet >Author".
Crow: It’s about book signings at Barnes and Nobles at 2 o’clock on
Wednesday afternoons.
>Yes, it certainly is. It's about just that really. A reader meeting an
author and being very
>disappointed.
>Was there anyone in particular...
>No, I just made that up really... just now.
Tom: Ah! That master of wit keeps me on my toes...
>Have there been any authors or poets that you've met?
Mike: Who in the hell in their right mind would want to meet a poet?
>Yes, and always disappointed. Where is that golden light, I wonder? San
Bernardino!
Crow: They got hung up at the 7-11.
Tom: That’s our cue.
(Leaves)
(SOL)Crow is with a tape recorder, and Tom is in drag as Leila Lipschitz.
An interview is about to take place. Mike is in quiff, but stands over to
the side primping all over himself and never says a word.
Leeds, England
Morrissey is indeed a strange creature. Emerging only at night donned in
disguise and a few quips up his sleeve, he’s turning more into a bad
character from an Arnold Schwartzenegger flick than the flamboyantly overly
gay Oscar Wilde character of yore.
Did I say gay?
Chasing his royal floral arranger down has been an arduous task. He
doesn’t live anywhere known to man.
A few of Morrissey’s confidants have been willing to talk to me. One is
Leila Lipschitz. A window cleaner of 20 years, the only thing that has
surpassed that in her life was “how far south (her) boobs have sagged.”
She in herself was a character. Known for incredible sinus drip which gave
way to the silkiest skin in all of England, she talked exactly like Nick
Nolte and was finishing up one of her thousands of windows as I approached.
L: Fer chris’sakes ahhhhhhhhhhhh get away from that rrrrrrrrrrrr. (She said
indicating her bucket)
S: Sorry. Is cleaning fluid that lethal?
L: That’s not cleaning fluid ahhhhhhhhhhh
S: So, I understand you were Morrissey’s window cleaner and saw “Grunt”
L: Yeah *snort* Grunt his lover blaaaaaahhhhh
S: Do you mind me asking why you say “AHHHHHH” at the end of each sentence?
L: Aw Jeez erraaaaahhhhh why in the hell do you talk in run-on sentences?
S: Are you saying you use that as punctuation?
L What in the hell else for? *snort* (ed note-will delete all ahhhhs from
this point on)
S: Alright, then. So, where is Grunt?
L: Well, he found a meat packer in the Isle of Wight named “Groan” and was
convinced he found his soul mate.
S: Grunt and Groan?
L: Yes. All night long.
S: No, I mean that couple.....anyway, what can you tell us about
Morrissey’s relationship with Grunt?
L: Little pisser him. He was a fat bastard when Morrissey found him. His
arms no longer worked. If you made him mad, he stood over you and let the
muscles in his back aching from the effort to hold him up let him go and
his large gut pulled him forward headbutting his victims. Made the mistake
of picking on a guy his size. Morrissey was touched by Grunt’s valiant
effort and took him in. That’s when Grunt started to get lazy.
S: Why? Did Morrissey pamper him?
L: Not really. Mozzer stayed locked up in his bedroom the whole time.
Grunt never saw him once.
S: What were their dates like?
L: Grunt admonished these. Grunt would hide in the bushes outside of the
house and wait for Moz to emerge. Moz would get into his own car and
drive. Grunt would get on the bus and follow.
S: Bus?
L: Moz only owned one car. Giving Grunt a car would tip off the media.
S: Continue...
L: Moz would go to the largest movie complex he could find. They would not
speak to one another the whole time fearing the media would catch them.
Moz went into one movie and Grunt saw another. Both sat in the back row to
make it feel “real” to them. Afterwards, they went to clubs. Moz went
into the most expensive ones night after night buying drinks and chatting
up locals. Grunt usually went to a pub outside of Camdentown and picked
the cigarette butts out of half drank pints.
S: Seems strange.
L: No. You must understand what sort of person Morrissey is. With all the
pressure he lives with, a person like Grunt with money would look
suspicious.
S: So I’m guessing he never saw Moz naked?
L: Occasionally, Morrissey would shove press release photos to Grunt
underneath the bedroom door. Once, Moz had to call security when Grunt
burst in the door and started yelling “I see a leg!” at the top of his
lungs.
S: Oh, the perils.
L: My heart went out to Grunt at that second. He got down on his hands a
knees and praised God for that moment.
S: This doesn’t really sound like a dating relationship.
L: Oh, but it was! I heard via press release that Morrissey never felt
happier in his life. Reading that press release made Grunt very happy to
see the relationship was going OK. Grunt had been very concerned that they
were drifting apart.
S: Did moz ever talk to you?
L: He sent me postcards. That was about it.
(LIGHTS FLASH)
Mike: Sir, wasn’t it beautiful?
Dr. F: Ugh...I think you’ve lost your potty privaleges for a month.
(Pushes the button)
Credits:
MST3K and Morrissey strictly belong to the people who created them. Don’t
piss them off.
S.s.