[MiSTing] Life's Surprises - Part 1
Freezer
character (who may or may not be a Mary-Sue), with Dragonball Z,
Youriden Samuri Troopers (Ronin Warriors to the rest of us), Sailor
Moon, Pokémon, and the X-Men, *AND* cameos from a half-dozen other
series, American and Japanese?
Other than, "Please let me MiST it?"
And towards that end, thanks to Ms. Usagi Hoshiko for giving me
permission to handle this fic and it's sequel. And I hope this lives up
to your expectations.
For anyone who wants to know what Tom's later alien speech really says,
go
to http://users.mmic.net/schulmanc/rot13.htm. And a further tip of the
hat to the creators of Haxx0rfish, an English-to-L337 translation
program. (Go to http://detonate.net/newsitems/00053001/translator.exe
for it!)
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property
of Best Brains, Inc. Krista Hashiba is the property of Hoshiko Usagi.
All other character are property of more companies than I have energy to
name.>>
[[Season Four Theme Song - Sing along! You know the words!]]
{We open with Crow in the foreground, in front of the main bridge desk.
Tom and Gypsy are behind the desk. They appear to be arguing}
CROW: Calm down, everybody! Calm down! I'm sure we can come to a fair,
equitable decision on this.
TOM: " Fair" my hover-skirted butt! You're just trying to make things
better for yourself!
GYPSY: Yeah! You're the only one who ever complains about the ram chip
situation. Why should one of us suffer because you're a greedhead?
{Enter Joel from the right}
JOEL: Hey, everybody. And welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel
Robinson, and these are my robot pals - Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy.
Hey, guys? What's all the racket about?
CROW: Well, we've been discussing...
TOM: Me and Gypsy have been discussing, you've been whining.
CROW: *WE'VE* been discussing the ram chip situation.
JOEL: What ram chip situation?
CROW: We decided that there is insufficient ram chip flow to sustain
five separate ram-chip consuming entities.
JOEL: Five?
CROW: Yes, five: Tom, Gypsy, Magic Voice, Cambot, and Me. And we've
decided that the best way to alleviate the current crisis is to
contract.
JOEL: What do you mean, "contract?"
TOM: He means cut one of us off from the ram chips, the hog!
GYPSY: And there's only this so-called "crisis" because he keeps wolfing
his down on the spot, he hogs all the leftovers, and he steals ours
every chance he gets!
CROW: That is a false and hurtful accusation!
TOM: False?!? You took one out of my mouth yesterday and ran down the
hall laughing!
CROW: Nonetheless, the best way to increase the supplies for all is to
decrease the number of "all"... So, which one of you gets the ax?
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in fifteen seconds. And don't even try to
drag Cambot or me into this! We don't even eat!
CROW: Well, that makes the decision that much simpler then!
JOEL: I think I've got a better idea.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign now!
JOEL: We'll be right back! {Turns to Crow} C'mere you little knuckle
knob!
CROW: You can't contract me! I have... Immunity! Or something.
{Joel hits Commercial Button}
{{ Commercial - Budweiser: Repetition. Repetition }}
{We return to the SOL Bridge. Joel seems to have taken Crow aside for a
heart-to-heart}
JOEL: And now do you see why sharing the ram chips is a simpler, easier,
and better solution than just cutting someone out of the loop?
CROW: But why should I share my hard-earned chips with someone else just
because they can't work as hard as me to get them.
JOEL: Well, one - you don't earn them. You get them from me. And two -
you only work hard at swiping them.
CROW: Doesn't take away from the overall effort!
JOEL:<SIGH!> We'll talk again later. For now Bud Seilig and Peter
Angelos are calling.
{Cut to Deep 13. Or what Deep 13 would look like if the entire screen
weren't taken up by an up-nose angle close up of Dr. Forrester}
DR.F: Hello, my little minor leaguers! And don't let those naysayers
get you down, Crow! "Take what you can, and steal the rest" is what I
always say! Now if you're through with your little lesson in communism,
let's get to the invention exchange, HMM??
[SOL]
TOM: Hey, what's with the extreme close-up, Doc?
[D-13]
DR.F: Our invention is too big for me to just pan away from, so what
better thing to cover it up with than my handsome mug. NOW QUIT STALLING
AND MAKE WITH THE INVENTION!!!
[SOL]
CROW: Touchy!
JOEL: Well, Dr. Forrester. Our invention is a set of updates on your
classic Magic 8-ball. The first and simplest would be the Gen-x 8-ball.
TOM: Every single question is answered with "Whatever"
CROW: And then there's the Magic L88t-Ball.
JOEL: <Shaking the l88t-Ball> Will this week's experiment actually be
good this week? Hmm... "§1Gñ§ p()1/\/t 70 /\/0" Umm...
TOM: "Signs point to 'no'"
CROW: But that one's not really for you, Joel.
JOEL: Right. My personal favorite is the Magic Farscape ball. I'll ask
the same question, and it says... "You're Frelled!"
TOM: Neat, huh!
[D-13]
Dr.F: Hmm... Useless, yet frivolous. A lot like you guys! [chuckles
evilly]. Now, feast your eyes on what a real invention looks like!
{Steps aside to reveal what looks like the transport pods from "The
Fly", with a third smaller pod in the middle}
[SOL]
TOM: So you've got full size replicas of The Fly pods.
JOEL: That's neat and all, but it's not that hot as an invention.
[D-13]
Dr. F: Shows what you troglodytes know! The appearance of our invention
this week is simply an homage to one of the icons of the Mad Scientist
biz. Now what this baby really does is...
TV's Frank: [Voice coming from inside one of the pods] Doctor?!? Can I
please get out of this thing? I really need to go to the bathroom!
Dr. F: [Turns towards the pods] One more minute, Frank! [Turns forward]
Actually, this thing is inspired in form and function. And it's
possibly the greatest boon to Mad Science since the lightning rod! I
mean, you all know how much time and effort I put into resurrecting
Frank every time I kill him. Reinstalling his head! Putting his organs
back in the right direction. Making sure there's no demonic possession
of his mortal shell. That sort of thing! But this device - which I have
dubbed "The Undeader" - takes all the effort out of creating a permanent
human guinea pig!
Taking its inspiration from that cult classic, "The Crow", it takes the
life force of said human - in this case - Frank...
Frank: WHAT?!?
Dr.F: Calm down, Frank! This is a good thing. This time. Anyway, it
takes the life force of your favorite lackey, transfers it into the
living familiar in the small pod - in this case, Frank's pet tribble.
Frank: Fuzzy?!? You bastard!
Dr.F: [Ignoring Frank]... And leaves the subject an unkillable, reusable
lab rat! Put too much Chemical X75 in that last secret formula? Just
wait ten minutes, and that puddle of goo that used to be Frank
regenerates itself as good as new. Or as good as Frank gets. At least
theoretically. I haven't actually tested it, yet!
Frank: WHAT?!?
Dr.F: Oh, calm down! I promise that if this goes wrong, you next head
will have that AM/FM metal plate you wanted!
Frank: Well... OK. But you promised!
Dr.F: And we pull the switch like so...
{Dr F. flips a switch and all three pods start to hum and glow}
Dr. F: And Frank goes 'round and 'round... And comes out... <DING>
There!
{From the right hand pod steps Frank, looking exactly like Frank in a
Crow costume. The only difference being that Frank's hair helmet is now
black.}
Dr. F: And how do you feel, Frank?
Frank: Like I really need to avenge my and my girlfriend's death...
Dr. F: Good, good! I anticipated that. And if I were to do this?
{Dr. Forrester whips out a tazer and zaps Frank. Frank falls to the
floor, but jumps right back up.}
Frank: [Dusting himself off] A little tingly at first. But I'm okay!
Dr. F: Yes, YES! [Starts dancing around] I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!
[SOL]
JOEL: That may be the sickest thing I've ever seen you do.
TOM: The device or the dance?
JOEL: The device. The dance is a close second.
TOM: right.
[D-13]
Dr. F: Like I care about anything from you guys except blind obedience!
Now, Frank - my little perma-freak! Let's get your familiar into a
nice, safe cage!
{Dr. F opens the middle pod, only to have something zoom out, cawing
away.}
Dr. F: Oh, great. Your tribble grew crow's wings, Frank!
Frank: Really? Cool! Fly away, Fluffy! Fly away!
Dr. F: Oh, shut up and get a net! [Turns forward again] And as for you
orbital lab rats, I give you a nice little Dragonball Z crossover story
called "Life's Surprises." And it includes just a hint of Mary-Sueism
for that extra bit of bile! Strap down, settle in, and suffer! FRANK!
Swing over here and send them the fic, will you?
Frank: In a second! Get down here, Fluffy!
Dr. F: Oh, never mind! I'll do it myself!
TOM: DBZ crossovers? Mary-Sues? This could be bad!
JOEL: We'll see in a moment! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]... [ * ]
TOM:[ala Buddy Holly] o/~ Mary Sue! Mary Sue! With your plot so tried
and true! o/~
CROW: Well as long as it's not some fangirl's Vegeta fantasy, I'm okay
with it!
> (Time to deviate from my other fics.
TOM: [Author] This one's gonna make sense!
JOEL: Be fair, we've never read her stuff before.
> This is going to get really confusing, so hang on and enjoy the
> ride.
CROW: Translation - Plot holes galore!
> This is going to be REALLY cool.
TOM: I REALLY don't think so!
> Oh, Kawaiito?
CROW: What?!? Up yours too, pal!
> This fic is weird. See, Namek has happened, Frieza's only fought Goku
> and Vegeta, tho. So the type of clash that happened on Namek is,
> instead, happening in my fic. Just bringing you up to date! )
TOM: [Moron Voice] Daaa... Okay.
JOEL: So Goku and Vegeta have been blown to bits already. Got it!
> |R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R||R|
TOM: Look, just pump the accelerator a few times, then crank it!
JOEL: <chuckle>
> The character "Krista" Belongs to me,
CROW: Is it too early to assume that "belongs to" means "is?"
JOEL: A little, yes.
> as well as most of the beings she encounters save those mentioned in
> DBZ. If you recognize the banner above or below, would you e-mail me
> and let me know how OCS is doing?
TOM: Umm... What banner?
CROW: Little early to be hallucinating, isn't it?
> Now, Krista is the little sister of Touma in this Alternate Universe
> of my normal fics who's desperate to prove herself in the upcoming
> battle with Frieza and his men. That's basically all you need to
> know, I'll fill in the rest in the story.
TOM: [Author, rapidly] Confused yet great moving on!
> And I'm sure my avid fic readers must have a good idea of my music
> choice now!!
JOEL: And so our "story" has "music now?
CROW: Barkeep? I'll have what she's having!
> (,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)(,,,)
(,,,)
JOEL: Umm... Jellyfish?
TOM: Scrubbing bubbles?
CROW: Fat chicks that REALLY need Nair?
Did you forget about me,
Mr. Duplicity.
I hate to bug you in the middle
Of dinner...
-You oughta know, Alanis Morisette
CROW: - I hate your music, Crow T. Robot
JOEL: How'd you pronounce that dash?
CROW: 'S a gift!
> "C'mon, Touma, just let me train with you! If you like what you see,
> then sign me on!" Touma sighed and pushed his blue hair out of his
> equally blue eyes.
TOM: He's a Smurf!
> "Krista, we don't have the time or resources to let you train with
> us. The senshi and us troopers are busy enough as it is without
> grading you on a punch."
CROW: [Touma] Besides, you're a stupid ol' girl!
TOM: "Us troopers" Wait a sec! That's _ROWEN!_
JOEL: As in "Ronin Warriors" Rowen?
TOM: That's the one!
CROW: Cool! I always thought he had the coolest weapon, anyway!
> Krista snorted and flipped her own
JOEL: Now that's just rude
> longer version of Touma's hair over her shoulder with a pale hand.
JOEL: Sorry! Jumped the gun!
> "Fine, then, big brother. I'll train on my own, And when the time
> comes, I'll PROVE to you I can fight!" Seiji walked past and
grinned,
> having caught the last portion of her statement. "Mako-chan, you're
not,
> Krista.
TOM: Grammatically confusing, that was, Usagi.
> We'd do anything to be able to enjoy a normal life like you do. You
> don't know how lucky you are.""Lucky??" Krista fairly screeched. "How
> am I lucky when I'm forced to stay behind when the real adventure
> comes? Fighting a floating candy youma isn't an adventure!"
JOEL: [Krista] It's a job!
TOM: What's she complaining about? Sugar demons are good eatin'!
CROW: Except for the licorice ones. Them's nasty!
> "You got to fight, didn't you?" Touma asked incredulously. Krista
> snorted again. "One youma. You guys got to go save Chibiusa with
> Peruru.
ALL: CHIBIUSA?
CROW: I call "foul!"
TOM: Yeah! She specifically said this was a DBZ fic! Nothin' about
Sailor Moon or The Spore!
JOEL: Calm down, guys! For all we know that was a typo
> I got to stay behind with the cats!!"
> "And what's so wrong with that?" Luna said. "After all, we are great
> feline companions."
JOEL: ... or maybe the author's a big fat liar?
BOTS: That one!
> "You are, Luna, but I want adventure! Excitement! I want to save the
> world! I mean, Usagi's my age and she's already one of the greatest
> super heroines the universe has ever known!"
CROW: We *ARE* still talking about Sailor Moon, right?
> "And the Universe can only handle so many great super heroines,
> Krista. Take it from me. You're better off living the life you're
> living now."
JOEL: Emphasis on "living."
> "But-"
> Touma held up a hand, a sign that the topic was definitely closed.
> Krista sighed and dropped her head, seeing that it was useless to
> continue. Touma smiled.
> "Someday you'll see that what I'm doing, I'm doing for you."
TOM: o/~ Everything I did, I did for...o/~ That doesn't really work,
does it?
CROW: 'Fraid not.
> "It's not fair! I should be out there training! It's my planet too!!"
> "Yes, it is," a soft voice said behind her. She whirled to see Bulma
> standing there, smiling. She sighed and turned back around.
JOEL: Finally, a DBZ character.
CROW: I'm starting to question that this is DBZ connected. I mean no
one's been explosively dispatched yet.
TOM: Ah, someone's probably charging their Big Ass Death Ray move off
screen as they speak!
> "I'm just as good a fighter as he is! I can even wear his armor!"
TOM: Umm... How?
CROW: Better question: Why would Touma let her?
JOEL: And the answer to both is "Smile and nod."
> She sat against a tree. "It's not fair," she muttered again. Bulma
> sat next to her.
> "I've seen you fight. You're good, but Touma has the experience
> needed to take care of Frieza."
TOM: Technically, so did Nail and Vegeta. And we saw how well that
went.
> "How am I supposed to gain experience if I never fight? That's like
> telling a kid he can train pocket monsters, but then only allowing
> him to battle Caterpies!"
CROW: Oh, for... Don't tell me they're crossing over with Pokémon,
too?!?
JOEL: Calm down! For all we know she's talking about the game
itself.
TOM: Still that may not be such a bad thing.
CROW: HOW?!?
TOM: Just imagine Ash trying to fight Frieza!
CROW: [Imagines Ash dying explosively] Oooh! There is that!
> Bulma laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What would you like to
> battle?"
> "Charizards! Alakazams!
JOEL: [Irish brogue] Green clovers! Blue diamonds!
> Just let me at a Typhlosion or a Steelix!!"
> Bulma nodded. "Okay, you're up against the meanest Charizard in the
> entire galaxy. Yet all you have is one inexperienced Bulbasaur. What
> would you do? Would you let it battle?"
CROW: [Krista] Yes. Then laugh at its pitiful charred remains!
> "Of course not! Bulbasaurs are weak against Charizards, and strong
> ones are even worse- oh..." she cut herself off, realizing the point
> Bulma was making. She then shook her head again.
> "It's still not fair. I'm a two badge Squirtle at least."
TOM: She's equating herself to Pokémon, yet she wants to fight a guy
who runs half the universe, and blew up the other half.
JOEL: And yet, she'll probably win.
ALL: [Downcast] <SIGH!!! > Yep.
> Bulma giggled, then grew serious.
> "Please listen to me. Listen to your brother. Do not attempt to fight
> when Frieza comes."
CROW: [Bulma] Or you'll get blown up so hard, Starfleet couldn't ID
your remains!
TOM: Oh, no! Not another crossover!
> "I was thinking, Zarbon," Frieza said, his eyes fixed image of Earth
> on the screen before him. "Whether or not to simply rid Earth of all
> it's inhabitants. It certainly would wipe out the resistance problem
> we're bound to face."
JOEL: Because you're a Dragonball villain. The fast way doesn't
exist for you!
> "You said you wished to raise your power level, sir. What better way
> to do that then to defeat the most powerful warriors in this galaxy?"
CROW: And probably some SI pre-teen who'll be too cute to blast.
> Frieza smiled and chuckled. "Too true, Zarbon. Too true. I suppose
> I'll let them live, then. Any suggestions on whether or not to
> dispatch the Ginyu force with us?"
JOEL: What did I just say about the fast way?
> Zarbon glanced at the image, then shook his head, his long green
> braid sliding slightly. "I don't think it'll be an issue, sir."
> Frieza smirked. "And why is that?"
> "At the very least, we've Kakarotto and Vegeta to deal with. They're
> bound to be the strongest warriors we'll face. The rest of the
> population will be easy."
TOM: [Zarbon] Of course I could just be farting in the wind here
> Frieza chuckled. The warriors on Earth were rumored to be more
> powerful than him. But he had a feeling that once he got there he
> would find them to be, compared to him, nothing at all.
CROW: Never fought a Self-Insert, have you?
> "Ja ne, Touma!"
> Touma waved from his seat in the jeep. "You be good, Krista. I mean
> it."
JOEL: [Touma] Or I'll kill you. I mean it.
CROW: A guy could get whiplash from that kind of sudden scene change!
> Krista smiled, tossing her bound (barely) hair over her shoulder.
CROW: Baring her lobotomy scars to the world!
JOEL: Burying Touma in an avalanche of dandruff!
TOM: Showing off the results of her botched dye job!
> "When am I not?"
> Shin smiled. "Wrong question to ask, Krista." He turned to Makoto,
> giving her a quick kiss. "We'll meet you at Hikawa Jinja."
JOEL: They'll meet her where?
TOM: Rei's place - Cherry Hill Temple.
CROW: Miss Hoshiko, darling? Can you throw a bone to those of us who
only
get Cartoon Network?
> "Can I come?"
CROW: Oooh! What a softball!
TOM: What are you waiting for? Take the shot man?
CROW: But I don't know how old she is! I've got standards!
JOEL: Don't do it, Crow! Stay the path!
TOM: Take it! You won't get a cleaner shot!
JOEL: DON'T YOU DO IT!
TOM: HE'S GOTTA DO IT!
JOEL: DON'T YOU DO IT!
TOM: HE'S GOTTA DO IT!
CROW: Geez, switch to decaf!
> Shin sighed. "Gomen, Krista-sama."
JOEL: [Shin] SI's cramp our style.
CROW: Why's he offering her noodles?
TOM: He said "gomen", not "ramen."
CROW: Oh. Sorry.
> He said automatically. "I'm afraid we simply can't let you. Mia will
> be here to pick you up after school. No going to the arcade."
> Krista winced. "Take all the fun outta life..." she muttered. Touma
> shot her a hard look and she fell quiet. Seiji gunned the engine a
> little. They were due for a practice session with Superman,
{All fall silent}
JOEL: Superman?
TOM: Geez! Why don't we toss in Mighty Mouse, Underdog, and Voltron
while we're at it.
CROW: Superman in the DBZ universe? Please! *Chi Chi* could give
him a hard time!
> and it wouldn't do for them to be late. Touma shot him a look as well
> before kissing his little sister on the forehead.
> "Remember, be good."
> Krista smiled innocently. "No problem."
CROW: [Krista] My Crack Whore shift isn't till tomorrow!
> Touma leaned back into the car. "I hope not." He nodded to Seiji, who
> slammed his foot on the gas pedal, sending the car surging forward.
> Krista waved until they were out of sight, then turned to the other
> Senshi.
TOM: The other Senshi were just standing there the whole time?
JOEL: RANDOM CAMEO POWER - ACTIVATE!!!
> "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get to class!"
> Ami nodded. "Yes. I know we've still got 20 minutes, but I've got an
> AP exam to study for." Minako smiled. "Ami-chan, you know you'll ace
> it with no problem." Krista started into the gates when her bag
> popped open and all her books spilled out. "Kuso,"
CROW: Gehzunteit
> she muttered, stopping and shoving the various books and other items
> into her bag.
> "Want some help?" Usagi offered. Krista looked up and smiled. "No,
> I'll be fine. I'll meet you all inside in a few."
> Usagi nodded and the four senshi went inside. Krista finished shoving
> her books in her bag and quickly turned and began running down the
> street in the direction that the jeep had been moving,
CROW: Unfortunately for her, she was running down the wrong side of
the street.
TOM: [Starts making chopper noises]
JOEL: [Radio Traffic Guy] Traffic has been slowed to a crawl on the
downtown corridor. We're getting reports of a teenage girl knocking
over cars in some sort of angst-fueled rampage...
> marveling at how well her self-training of her mental powers had been
> going. Her telekinesis worked like a charm, getting the other senshi
> out of the way long enough for her to slip away.
JOEL: And they didn't notice getting invisibly tossed aside like
that?
CROW: Comes with hanging with Usagi and Minako so much.
TOM: Y'know - "Telepathy" might help with that...
> Touma was going to fry her once he learned she had skipped school
> again but she knew that the fate of the universe was more important
> than a few low grades.
JOEL: Except that she attends "Super-Hero High," and her lowest grades
are in "Super-Villain Combat."
> "Quake with fear!"glanced the hook hurtling at him out of the corner
> of his eye and barely managed to dodge before Anubis caught him in
> the back.
TOM: Peachy. She managed to drag the Warlords into this as well.
> Ryo stumbled, but recovered in time to dodge an attack on Naaza's
> part. He glanced at Seiji and grinned. The two of them launched into
> a spiral, blades whirling. The shogun hastened to get out of the way.
> Sh'ten grinned.
JOEL: Sh - who?
CROW: Klingon?
TOM: Narn?
JOEL: Dragonrider?
CROW: I wonder how you pronounce "Sh'ten?"
TOM: Hmm... That's some fertile riffing ground.
JOEL: Let's not take things into the toilet just yet.
TOM: For those playing along at home, we know that Sh'ten is the
original name for Anubis of "Ronin Warriors". But by golly, you
can't let a name like that go by without a wisecrack!
> "That spiral is really coming along, Ryo. You almost got me."
> Ryo grinned and picked up a piece of Sh'ten's coat that had been
> sliced off. "Almost?"
> Rajura grinned. "Any closer and there wouldn't be any of you left."
CROW: [Rajura] 'Cept your shredded, quivering remains.
> Superman floated down from where he watched the session above them.
> He nodded his approval to everyone. "Very well done, all of you.
> Considering the time you had to react, Sh'ten, it's impressive that
> you came away with no injuries from that last attack."
TOM: [Superman] Other than getting your head cut off just then.
> Sh'ten blinked, then smiled. He wasn't used to getting such high
> praise. Superman looked at the sun and sighed.
JOEL: [Superman] Still don't know what I'm doing here...
> "Ten minute break, guys. Then back to work."
> Touma took off his helmet and shook his drenched hair off of his
> forehead. Behind him, he heard soft grunts and rustling.
CROW: Hey! The story gets interesting!
JOEL: Down, boy!
> Curious, he crawled through the underbrush to see what was causing
> it. Probably a small dog or something, he thought.
JOEL: Or an orgy, or a hungry facehugger, or Chthulu.
TOM: Y'know.... something.
> When he reached the area, he stayed low and peered out from behind a
> few leaves. A pair of slender, pale legs greeted him. Women's legs,
> obviously. His gaze shifted upwards to settle on the woman's face,
> and he gasped, nearly seething with rage.
TOM: [Touma] MOM! What did I tell you about streaking?!?
CROW: Saaay!
> He stood up hastily, disrupting the girl's activities and slamming
> his head on a branch. The girl gasped and blushed crimson. She smiled
> sweetly.
> "Touma-chan. Heh heh...hi?"
CROW: [Krista] You're probably wondering why I'm naked with this gang
of albino dwarves...
> Touma glared at his younger sister. She had skipped school again. He
> sighed.
> "What are you doing here?" he demanded. Krista sighed and put her
> hands on her slender hips.
TOM: [Krista] Depends - what answer would freak you out the most?
> "Training for the upcoming battle."
> Touma glanced around. Weights, 2x4s, and other various strength
> building objects were lying around.
JOEL: Bowflex... Ab-Doer... Kegel Device
> Quite a bit of turf had been torn up, he noticed. She had been doing
> some jumping and kicking. And the hand prints in the mud showed where
> she had been doing push-ups.
ALL: WE HOPE!
> Even the big oak tree in the center of the clearing showed signs of
> having been the target of her training. He sighed. It was too late
> for her to go back to school now; she'd have to stay with them for
> the rest of the day.
> "Fine, you can stay. Gather up your stuff and follow me."
TOM: [Touma] And try not to embarrass me in front of the guys.
> He helped Krista pick up her managerie of sports equipment and carry
> it over to where a very surprised group of troopers, shogun and
> superhero waited. Rajura raised a brow.
> "Skip school again?"
CROW: [Krista] Bite me, crossover boy!
> Krista smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Then she got defensive.
> "Well, someone's got to help you guys battle! I mean, let's face it.
> The senshi are all limited to their elements, and each of you only
> has so much to contribute."
JOEL: Like power and experience!
> "And how are you any different?" Superman asked softly. Krista
> grinned.
CROW: [Krista] Mary Sue power - ACTIVATE!
TOM: I'm not so sure...
> Now was the time to show her brother what she could do. Her eye fell
> on one of the lighter weights. She squinted at it, mentally willing
> it into the air. She could dimly hear the gasps of surprise as it
> obeyed her. She then set it back down again about as gently as an
> elephant setting down a red hot safe. Superman picked the weight up
> out of the now slightly dented turf.
JOEL: So she can lift a hand weight with her mind. Real world -
impressive. DBZ World - doesn't even register.
TOM: Y'see? A true SI would've been juggling those things by now.
CROW: Ah, she threw in an imperfection to throw us off the scent!
> Krista flushed again.
JOEL: [Krista] Damn 1.9-liter toilets...
> "Guess I need to work a bit more."
> Touma was the first to speak. "When did you....I mean, how...I mean,
> what...." Krista grinned. "Uh, respectively, a few months ago when I
> accidentally caused the pipe in the bathroom to burst and I thought
> it might be useful in the upcoming battle."
TOM: If I read that right, she thought that destroying plumbing would
serve as a useful battle skill.
CROW: You underestimate the power of the ChiliConCarne Dama!
> "A battle you're not going to fight."
> Krista blinked. "What??"
JOEL: HE... SAID... YOU'RE... NOT... GOING... TO... FIGHT!
> Touma's face was set. "You heard me. This is all the more reason not
> to let you. If Frieza knew about you, he'd take you back with him, or
> maybe even kill you if he felt you were enough of a threat.
CROW: After toying with you for ten or twelve episodes...
> After we defeat Frieza, I'm going to have a talk with Professor
> Xavier."
TOM: Oh...Kay... yet ANOTHER random crossover.
> Krista sighed. "So you'd rather dump me on the X-men than try to help
> me gain control of my powers?
JOEL: Yeah, it's not like they've got a school for that or anything!
> Yeah, real brotherly of you, Touma. You know what?" She went on, her
> rage and tone building. "I seriously don't need this. I seriously
> don't need a brother who's too over-protective to let his 'baby'
> sister fight in a battle where every man and woman and child counts!
TOM: And most of them will die horribly, but hey! Omelettes and
eggs!
> I seriously don't need to be told how inexperienced I am when every
> time I try to change that, I get shot down. That is so it. I'm
> leaving."
CROW: [Touma] Okay.
TOM: [Krista] I mean it!
CROW: Fine.
TOM: Don't try and stop me!
CROW: 'S your life.
TOM: I'm going for good!
CROW: Write when you get there.
> With that she stomped off, sports equipment in tow. Touma started.
> "Krista! Krista wait!" But she was gone.
> It wasn't fair! He was just being stubborn. He HAD to know that he'd
> need her help in the battle, he'd need everyone's help. And yet, he
> was resisting. Why?
JOEL: [Krista] Stupid ol' brother! Trying to keep me alive! The
nerve!
> She stopped doing push-ups and sat back with a small grunt.
TOM: Y'know, a little milk of magnesia would clear that right up.
JOEL: What did I just say about toilet humor?
TOM: I just thought that applied to Crap Boy!
> She popped open a bottle of water and took a long drink before
> capping it
CROW: She SHOT her water bottle?!?
TOM: Poor thing! What did it ever do to her?
> and starting her push-ups again.
JOEL: [Krista] Mmm! Orange sherbet-y goodness!
> Why hadn't anyone else stood up for her?
TOM: Because you're twelve?
> The shogun especially knew she was capable of fighting, as many times
> as they had fought in the past. It simply wasn't fair. She reached
> over for a weight and realized that dusk was setting in.
CROW: [Krista] I promised Lexington I'd spar with him tonight.
JOEL: At this point a Gargoyles appearance wouldn't faze me at all.
> Touma must be worried sick, she thought. She sighed. She wasn't
> looking forward to going back, but she didn't want to worry her
> brother too much.
TOM: Quite a little mood swing there...
CROW: [Krista] I HATE YOU ALL!! I'M NEVER COMING BACK!!! GOD!!!
AARGH!!!{stomps off}
JOEL: [Touma] What the hell was...
CROW: [Krista, cheerfully] I'm back! What's for dinner?
> With a sigh, she began packing all of her stuff.
> "What on earth did you say to her, Touma?"
JOEL: [Touma] Nothin'.... "I never liked you. Wish you were never
born. Those jeans make you look fat." Like I said, nothin'!
TOM: Never thought I'd be nostalgic for a scene change marker...
> Touma sat, his head in his hands. He didn't know how to answer Ami.
JOEL: [Touma] How can I tell her I've forgotten how to speak?
CROW: Probably something like "AU! AUWUAUA!!!"
> He'd been sure that Krista would come back after a few minutes. He'd
> been prepared to say nothing about it. But when she hadn't come back,
> he knew she'd been serious. What if something had happened to her and
> she couldn't come back?
> Or what if she'd just decided to never come back period? He didn't
> think he could live with that kind of guilt.
CROW: So he decided to drink himself into brain damage!
TOM: [Touma] Sweet booze, ease my troubled mind!
> But he knew, too, that he couldn't live with the guilt of letting his
> little sister fight and having her killed or captured by Frieza. Why
> couldn't she see that he was only trying to protect her from getting
> hurt?
TOM: Again - because she's twelve?
JOEL: Or at least acts like it?
> She does see it, he thought to himself. But she doesn't care if she
> gets hurt. She only wants to help with the fight, she wants to battle
> to save Earth.
CROW: And die explosively.
JOEL: Live fast, die young, leave a big scorch mark.
> "Touma-chan?"
> Touma broke out of his reverie and looked up at Ami and blinked. He'd
> never seen her looking so very sad.
TOM: She'd just finished reading "Ami-chan."
{All shudder in sympathy}
> "Touma, I want you to go out and look for her. I've never seen you
> so worried and I can tell it's killing you to just sit here like
> this."
CROW: [Ami, seductively] So what can I do to make you... feel better?
JOEL: [Touma] I've never seen her so angry before.
CROW: [Ami] Y'know? We're alone... We can go upstairs... I can put
on the extra-short sailor suit...
JOEL:[Touma] I just don't know what to do...
> "Superman's looking," he murmured. Ami shook her head, tears welling
> up in her eyes.
CROW: [Ami, angrily] DAMMIT, MAN!! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? STRIP
NAKED AND FACE-HUMP YOU?!?
JOEL: [Touma] Oh, were you saying something, Ami?
CROW: [Ami] *AAAAARGH!!!*
> "Touma, you're worried sick. Go look for her!"
TOM: Never mind that the guy with super-speed, super-senses, and
flight is looking AND HASN'T FOUND HER YET!!!
JOEL: Probably figured he had some time to kill and went for a beer.
> Touma sighed, realizing that Ami was right.
CROW: And was about Aqua Rhapsody his ass into oblivion...
> He stood and grabbed his jacket, prepared to go out. But the knob
> turned before he could reach it and the door swung open to reveal a
> very sweaty and tired Krista. She looked up in fear, but was
> startled when Touma suddenly dropped to his knees and threw his arms
> around her, sobbing.
TOM: So... She shrank then?
> She blinked, then hugged her big brother back for a moment. Touma
> pulled away and tried to assume a stern face, but found he couldn't
> hide the relief he was feeling.
> "Never, ever do that to me again. Ever. I was so worried something
> had happened, or that you wouldn't come back-"
CROW: [Ami, annoyed] Oh yeah! Reeeal worried! <muttering > rassin'
frassin' mamma's boy...
> Krista smiled. "Touma, you worry too much. I can take care of myself,
> and why wouldn't I come back? I'm home, my friends and family are
> here." Touma smiled, then made a snap decision.
JOEL: [Touma] Hands at 3 and 9 aaaand...
TOM: KA-RACK!!!
CROW: [Krista] Ack! [Falls over]
> "You've won, Krista. We'll train you along with us."
> Krista blinked. "Y-you mean it? You'll let me train?"
> Touma smiled wearily. "Yeah, but you'd better be prepared to work."
> Krista grinned and hugged her brother. Touma smiled. "And I've got
> your first assignment you can do right now." "Really? What?"
> "The dishes."
ALL: Wah wah waaaaah!!!
> Ch. 2
TOM: The sequel.
JOEL: The next day.
CROW: Electric Boogaloo.
> I don't know why, I can't leave though it might be tough.
> But I ain't outta control, just living by my word.
> Don't ask me why, I don't need a reason.
> I've got my way, my own way.
> -Yay! I finally learned all the words to "It doesn't matter"
CROW: [The Rock] IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU LEARNED THE WORDS!!!
> "What is the status of our troops?"
JOEL: [Officer] Stupid. Lazy. Couldn't hit the ocean from a boat.
TOM: [Commander] Textbook troops, then! Eeeexcellent!
> "They're all going through extra training, just like you ordered,
> sir." Frieza smiled. "Good. It wouldn't hurt for you to go through it
> yourself, Zarbon. "I am sir," Zarbon said. "My own shift in training
> starts next cycle."
CROW: I didn't know Zarbon got...
JOEL and TOM: NO!
CROW: [Pouting] You guys are no fun!
> Frieza nodded. "Very good, Zarbon. You know, I was thinking," he
> continued. "That we would do well to use the dragon balls once we've
> arrived on Earth. They would make me unbeatable for all eternity if I
> were immortal."
TOM: Technically, you could still be beaten. They'd just have to keep
beating you.
JOEL: [Frieza] Ready for round 23,095,723?
> "Most certainly, sir," Zarbon said. "However I doubt that Vegeta and
> Kakarotto would make it very easy for us, sir." Frieza's cruel, thin
> lips curled up into a smile. "I don't doubt that they will make it
> somewhat difficult," he said, smirking. "But I'm not concerned. Or do
> you need reminding of my powers, Zarbon? Perhaps Captain Ginyu would
> like to take your spot on this mission, you don't seem quite up to it
> suddenly." Zarbon went pale. It was bad enough that that idiot, Ginyu
> had beat him out for the captain job.
CROW: And here I thought it was because he was ten times stronger
than you. Silly me!
> He didn't need him taking over his regular duties, too. He bowed low.
> "I do not doubt you, sir. Please forgive me if I indicated such."
> "You're forgiven," Frieza said almost lazily.
TOM: [Frieza] <YAWN > Go in peace, my son...
> He turned to the viewscreen where he had been researching the dragon
> balls.
CROW: Research on the Dragon Balls? Umm... How? Aren't they pretty much
a secret?
JOEL: He got a copy of "Shen Long for Dummies?"
> "But remember: once we get to Earth, those Dragon Balls are mine.
> Along with anything else I want."
JOEL: [Frieza] And what I want is... A SHUBBERY!!!
"Now, who can tell me what the American poet Edgar Allen Poe is
describing in this verse? What does this raven symbolize? Anyone?"
CROW: [Ben Stein] Bueller? Bueller?
> Krista scribbled down a few notes and listened to her teacher drone
> on about some dead perv who lived in America a century ago. She'd
> been training with her brother for a few weeks now and it was
> definitely starting to show. Her gym teacher had commented on her
> increased stamina and strength,
CROW: And bust line. And long, lean thighs. It was really starting
to creep her out.
> and the extra sessions with the X-men's Jean Grey were helping her
> telekinetic powers immensely.
TOM: Since when do the X-Men have a branch office in Tokyo?
JOEL: The Xavier Institute for Gifted Ninjas?
> She wondered if... It was five minutes till the end of school. She
> concentrated on the minutes, willing it to speed up. At first, there
> was no difference. Then, ever so slowly, the minute hand spun a
> little faster around the clock face until thirty seconds later...
CROW: [Krista] Wait a second... If I stare really hard at the clock,
it moves! I'm BRILLIANT!!
> "Ding-dong ding-dong. Ding-dong ding-dong."
> Her teacher looked up at the clock in surprise.
> "Oh," he said slowly. "I suppose this means that class is dismissed.
TOM: [Teacher] I suppose I could check my watch, but I have faith in the
almighty school clock!
> I want a two page essay on what the depths of "The Raven" is in your
> mind." He added as the class scrambled to leave. Outside of the
> building, Ami looked at Krista accusingly. Krista blinked. "What?"
CROW: [Ami] Why the hell am I friends with you, anyway?
> "I know that that was your fault, Krista. My watch is set to standard
> Japanese time, and so was the school clock." Krista sighed. "Fine,
> I'll slow it down five minutes to let it catch up. Satisfied?"
JOEL: [Krista] Precision clockworks? Bah! If it breaks, it needed
replacing anyway!
> Ami nodded, though she still wore a frown on her face. Usagi rolled
> her eyes. "Let's hit the ice cream store on our way up to Hikawa
> Jinja.
TOM: [Usagi] If we hit 'em now, we can beat Wells-Fargo and get the big
bucks!
CROW: It's Pretty Soldier Stick Up-Kid!
> Mamo-chan won't notice if we're a few minutes late." "No, but
> Rei-chan will," Minako said. But she was smiling. Krista grinned.
> "Count me in too!" Makoto nodded. "I wouldn't mind getting some
> myself." Ami sighed. "As usual, I'm out voted. Okay, but make mine
> Rum Raisin!"
JOEL: [Minako] Singapore Sling for me!
TOM: [Usagi] I want a Long Island ice tea!
CROW: [Makoto] Shotta the hard stuff, barkeep! And keep it coming!
TOM: This little interlude brought to you by the Booze Council. Keep
plenty of booze on hand for the afterschool crowd!
JOEL: Booze: Who needs friends?
> "Figures," Rei muttered as the girls arrived five minutes late,
> finishing the remains of their treat. Usagi stuffed the rest of the
> cone into her mouth and crunched on it a few times before swallowing
> it and smiling innocently towards Rei.
CROW: And somewhere in the background, Mamoru is watching all this and
cringing.
JOEL: [Wincing] Ow!
> "Come on, Rei-chan, you can't possibly hold an afterschool treat
against us."
> "Actually she can, as we got out five minutes early, Usagi-chan."
Usagi shot a
> glowering look at Ami. Rei raised an eyebrow. "And how did you manage
that,
> pray tell?" Ami nodded over at Krista, who flushed and was suddenly
> interested in the pavement below her. Touma sighed.
ALL: DAAAAH!!
CROW: The hell'd he come from?!?
TOM: Must be a graduate of the Gifted Ninja school...
> "You didn't..."
> Krista shrugged. "I already promised Ami-chan I'd make it right
> tomorrow." "See that you do," Touma said. He turned to the assembled
> group. "Shall we get started?" Usagi nodded and took off her brooch.
> "Moon Crisis Make Up!"
> The rest of the Senshi followed suit.
> "Mars Crystal Power, Make Up!"
> "Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!"
> "Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!"
> "Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!"
ALL: GRATUITUOUS NUDE TRANSFORM SEQUENCE, MAKE UP!!!
> Krista watched, only vaguely interested as the girls turned into the
> Super Sailorsenshi. Touma grinned and took out his armor orb and
> transformed. The rest of the Troopers and shogun followed suit.
ALL: AAAH!!!!
TOM: Stop sneaking up on us like that!!!
> Seiji glanced at Krista.
> "Fighting in that today?" Krista looked down at her school uniform.
> "Why not? A-ko does it all the time."
TOM: And we're on Series Crossover # 6.
CROW: Place your bets on the next, gentlemen!
JOEL: I'll say Tenchi Muyo.
TOM: I'll go with Moldiver. Crow?
CROW: Mmm... Justice League. Gypsy?
GYPSY: [Pops in] Teen Titans. [Pops out]
TOM: Okay. Magic Voice?
MAGIC VOICE: [Off screen {Natch}] Cardcaptors.
JOEL: Cambot?
CAMBOT: [Via onscreen caption] Fantastic Four.
CROW: Thank you folks! The betting window is closed. Hang on to your
tickets and watch your monitors!
> Seiji grinned. "A-ko also goes through more uniforms in a year than
> Shou through pizzas on Sundays."
CROW: And walls, and pavement, and bridge supports...
> Shou frowned. "I resent that."
> Seiji grinned. "I believe we'll begin," he said, turning to
> Sailorjupiter. He ginned and aimed an attack at her that would have
> gotten her had she not already jumped out of the way and launched
> into an attack of her own.
> Piccolo looked up at he sensed a sharp increase in the power in the
heart
> of Tokyo.
TOM: Umm... Does Tokyo even exist in the DBZ universe?
JOEL: Does now!
> Now what would be causing that increase, he asked himself.
CROW: [Piccolo] Don't tell me it's Mary Sue season already?!?
JOEL: [Piccolo] Giant Monster Season hasn't even ended yet!
TOM: She's not a Mary Sue!
> He decided he would go and find out. He launched himself into the air
CROW: And smacked head-on into a nearby building.
JOEL: [Piccolo] Damn urban sprawl!
> and began speeding towards Tokyo. Sensing something behind him, he
> stopped and waited for the people he knew to be heading his way to
> catch up. Goku and Gohan, then a few seconds later, Vegeta all slowed
> down and stopped upon meeting Piccolo.
TOM: Wait, wait! Time out here! How can Piccolo be alive and Vegeta
be on Earth at the same time if they never went to Namek to get the
Dragonballs to resurrect Piccolo?!?
JOEL: Umm... they did go to Namek. She said so in the opening.
TOM: She did?
CROW: Try and keep up with the group, Tommy!
> "You sensed it too, then?" Goku asked Vegeta and Piccolo. They both
> nodded. "Whatever it is, it isn't Frieza, not yet," Vegeta said. "But
> we should definitely go and investigate." Goku nodded and the four of
> them sped towards Tokyo and the energy signature. "Well I'll be God
> Damned."
TOM: [Mighty Announcer Voice] Yes, why just be damned, when you can
God Damned!
JOEL: God Damns - available in Regular and Extra-Hellfire!
CROW: [Quickly] Not available in this plane of existence. See website
for details!
> Goku motioned for Vegeta to be quiet, even though inwardly he had
> been saying the same thing. They had arrived at Hikawa Jinja.
TOM: Grandpa and Chad being confidently absent for all of this.
JOEL: Or tied up in the basement.
> That didn't surprise them: they knew the Sailor Senshi had been
> training here. The power source wasn't coming from any of them, or
> even the Troopers: It was coming from the young girl in her school
> uniform. One look at her and Goku knew she had to be related to
> Touma.
CROW: [Goku] Yep. Same blue hair, same deer-in-headlights stare,
same aura of author favor...
> The four of them watched the training going on below them until Seiji
> called a break. He took off his helmet and wiped the sweat off his
> face before stealing a glance upwards. "So are you going to come down
> and tell us why you've been hovering there for the last twenty
> minutes?" He called up. Goku grinned.
JOEL: [Goku] Should I tell him we've been up here since yesterday?
> For a while there, he had begun to think that Seiji was losing his
> touch. The four of them descended rapidly, though touching down
> extremely gently.
TOM: Each landing squarely on a senshi!
CROW: [Gohan] Sorry, Usagi!
JOEL: [Sailor Moon] S'alright! I'm used to it!
> Goku sighed.
TOM: [Goku] Looks like we don't get to blast anyone, today...
> "Look, I won't beat around the bush. We all sensed a powerful energy
> signature coming from this site and came to investigate." "And?" Ryo
> said, looking slightly put out. "And it's coming from her," Piccolo
> said, nodding in Krista's direction. Krista's eyes went wide and she
> backed away, waving her hands in front of her. "No, no, it's not me.
> You must have gotten me confused with Sailormoon or Chibimoon or
> someone!"
CROW: [Piccolo] You're right. We were talking about Iczer-1. She's
standing right behind you...
> Piccolo shook his head. "Nope. We wouldn't have come if it were
> anyone else, we know their signatures. But yours is new to us. It's
> definitely you." "But I've been training for a few weeks, why are you
> just now sensing it if it's me?" Vegeta shrugged. "You probably have
> begun to reach your peak level today, which enabled us to sense it.
CROW: Boy! Puberty sure is weird in this universe!
> Though, I personally think you can do better."
TOM: [Vegeta] And you'd better! Killing weaklings is no fun!
> Krista raised a brow. Goku sighed.
> "I think Vegeta's offering to train you for the battle."
TOM: WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! Time out! Vegeta would never ever EVER
offer to train anyone! He wouldn't even work with his own son, for
crying out loud!
CROW: Maybe he's not talking about _fight_ training...
JOEL: Well... he has shown a taste for blue-haired girls...
TOM: Oh for... Not you too, Joel?
JOEL: Sometimes you drift where the lines take you.
CROW: And you used to snap at me for that!
> Touma shook his head at once. "No way. It's bad enough I've let her
> train with us here. I don't need her living off in the wilderness
> getting hurt and-"
CROW: [Touma] Going somewhere where I can't stunt her physical and
emotional growth!
"And growing stronger all the time," Gohan said softly.
JOEL: [Gohan] And the emotional scars give you character!
> Touma faltered then fell silent. He seemed to think about it then
> sighed. "Krista, you'll be the one training. It's completely up to
you."
> Krista trembled a bit, but turned to Vegeta. "This will be hard." It
> was a statement more than it was a question. Vegeta nodded.
CROW: [Vegeta, salaciously] It will be in a minute!
JOEL: Dial it back a bit, Crow.
TOM: I'm starting to think he's right, though. Scary thought...
> "It will, but somehow I think you can handle it."
CROW: [Vegeta] I think you can handle it *all!*
TOM: [Whining] JOOOEL! Usagi's throwing Crow softballs! Make her
stop!
JOEL: Sorry. Out of my hands.
> Krista looked from Vegeta to Touma and back again. Finally she took a
> deep breath and squared her shoulders. "I'll train with you."
JOEL: [Krista, excitedly] This is gonna be great! We can have
slumber parties and stay up all night watching movies and give each
other make overs and...
CROW: [Vegeta] Dear God, what have I done?!?
> "Now be sure to pack plenty of extra clothes..."
> "Mia-"
TOM: [Krista] That's not my suitcase...
> "But perhaps they'll give you clothes when you get out there, but
> then again..." "Mia-"
CROW: [Krista] What's with the muumuu? I don't own a muumuu...
> "And don't forget to write and let us know how you're doing, you know
> Touma is so scared for you..." "M-Mia-"
JOEL: [Krista] I really don't need a note from my mom...
> "And, oh, Mako-chan's cookies! Can't forget those, she'll be
> devastated..." "M-"
> "And Ami-chan's books...and Rei-chan's scrolls...and-"
> "MIA!!"
TOM: [Krista] I got a restraining order, remember?!?
> Mia stopped talking and looked up at Krista, surprised. Krista sighed
> and smiled, tucking everything into the sack and flinging it on her
> back. "I'll be just fine, Mia, really."
> Mia smiled a little sadly. "I know, Krista-chan, but it's just I
> worry so much about your brother and he worries so much about
you..."
CROW: [Mia] Ball of neuroses that he is.
> Krista grinned, readjusting the arm braces she had on that strongly
> resembled A-ko's. "He's got nothing to worry about! I'm going to be
> with one of the Earth's Special Forces!"
TOM: The few, the proud, the cannon fodder.
> Mia sighed. "Just...take care."
> Krista hugged her. "Hey, who do you think I am? Uli?"
JOEL: No, and we're all thankful for that.
CROW: [Uli, whiney] REEE - YOOOO! My head's stuck in the toilet again!
> Mia smiled and opened the door for Krista. Krista took one last look
> around before sighing and stepping out of the room and walking down
> the stairs where Vegeta was waiting for her. "Ready to go?" he
> grunted. Krista nodded. Touma hugged her. "Be careful, squirt."
> Krista grinned. "Try calling me that once I get back."
TOM: [Touma] Then how about "Pest?"
JOEL: [Krista] No.
TOM: Stain?
JOEL: No!
TOM: "Momma's Little Oopsie?"
JOEL: HEY!
> She squeezed him one last time then turned and walked out the door.
> Vegeta took her by the arm. "We'll fly. That alright with you?"
> Krista nodded. "Just-" Vegeta took off, holding her by the arm and in
> a few seconds, the house by Mt. Fuji was no more than a mere speck
> behind her.
JOEL: ...Arm, which Vegeta had ripped off on take off.
TOM: [Vegeta] That's your first lesson! Grow this back!
> The word "fine" was taken from her breath in a rush of wind, and she
> resigned herself to watching the scenery go by below her, however
> quickly. For the first time, she thought about what it was she was
> truly getting herself into.
> (Major editorial. Those of you who read my regular fics must be
> screaming in rage, especially you, Ami-chan. I know Touma seems a
> little sappy and wimpy,
TOM: That's putting it mildly!
> but may I say that I do not plan out my fics to any large degree.
CROW: [Sarcastically] You don't say!
> Do I have a place I'm going?
JOEL: Hell?
> Yes, there is somewhere I want to go with this fic,
JOEL: Hell.
> but all I have is a vague idea. I do not plan out the details, and
> that includes how the characters will react to each and every given
> situation. For some reason, I think Touma didn't reveal his feelings
> to any large degree when it was just him and Ami.
CROW: Or maybe he's just gay.
TOM: That'd be my guess!
> But bring in Krista, and all of a sudden he has someone to worry
> about, someone younger and more vulnerable to protect and the
> floodgates open.
JOEL: Someone to use as a beard.
> It's brought out a side of him I never really knew he had, and if I
> have the chance, I'm going to try to prod this out of him next
> chance I get, but in the mean time...well, deal with it. We'll see if
> we can't bring him back to his cool, calm, slightly sarcastic self.
CROW: [Usagi] If not, I'll just feed him to Frieza!
> But he's not going to be a major player much longer. Oops! Said too
> much!! -Hoshiko Usagi)
CROW: Umm... I was just kidding, hon!
JOEL: [Krista] He stands in the way of my being worshiped by all!
TOM: I still say she isn't an SI!
CROW: Sure, she is!
TOM: Is not!
CROW: Is too!
TOM: Nuh-uh!
CROW: Uh-huh!
JOEL: Boys, boys, can we settle this later?
TOM: We'll we gotta go, so let's settle this outside, right now!
CROW: Bring it on, Slinky Arms!
{All leave - with Joel struggling to keep Tom and Crow apart}
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
{Back on the bridge, Tom and Crow are on opposite sides of the desk
behind podiums. Joel is in the foreground}
JOEL: Okay, you all know the rules of this debate, right?
TOM: You're goin' down, Beak Boy!
CROW: Bring it on, Bubble Brain!
JOEL: Calm down, you two! Okay - standard debate format. You each have
three minutes to state your case, pro or con Mary-sue. Then you'll have
a one-minute rebuttal period. Standard debate scoring.
CROW: Uh... What's standard debate scoring?
JOEL: I decide who wins.
TOM & CROW: Oh.
JOEL: Okay, Pro-Mary Sue goes first. Ready, Crow? Three minutes... GO!
CROW: My fellow Americans. We are clearly confronted by a classic Mary-
Sue type character in today's story. The signs pile up like the bodies
in her wake: A teenager, a sibling of an existing character, unusual
hair color, everyone likes her for no apparent reason, mental powers,
knows stuff she has absolutely no reason knowing, like the Sailor Scouts
identities. I mean, does she have to defeat Frieza, Zarbon, Dodoria,
and the whole Ginyu Force by herself to make it any clearer. Krista, su
nombre es Mary Sue . Prove it otherwise.
JOEL: Nicely done, Crow. Tom, your counter-point.
TOM: Thank you, Joel. Sure, to the unsophisticated reader - like
Crow...
CROW: Hey!
TOM: ...Would read Krista's daily exploits and think "Mary Sue" But if
one looks deeper - anyone not named Crow - could see that this is simply
an who wanted to put all her favorite characters into one big story with
one big battle with one character serving as a lynch pin. Sure she's a
little too smart, and a little too powerful for someone as young as
she's supposed to be. But that's just someone wanting to *make* a cool
character, not *BE* a cool character. And if Crow would pull his head
from his gold-plated butt, he could see that. Thank you.
JOEL: Crow, your rebuttal.
CROW: Tom, you ignorant slut. The signs are clear here, and if you
weren't so busy being roped in by Krista's Aura of Cute. The girl's one
starship command away from being Marissa Picard, for crying out loud!
How can you sit there and say otherwise? Go ahead, tell me how!
JOEL: And, Tom.
TOM: Crow... You're a big, dumb, idiot-head. That is all.
CROW: Why you...!
JOEL: [Loudly] Thank you both, gentlemen! You have judgment in just a
moment! Right after this! [Hits commercial sign]
{{ Commercial - Hey, Slim Jim! Snap this! }}
{All reenter the theater}
TOM: So who one the debate.
CROW: Yeah, make with the verdict.
JOEL: Actually, Gypsy won with her "Shut up and read the stupid story"
platform.
TOM: Well, can't really argue with that...
> Ch. 3
> Can't hold on much longer-but I will never let go
> I know it's a one way track-don't know how long this'll last
> I'm not gonna think this way-nor will I count on others.
> Close my eyes and feel it burn-now I see what I've gotta do.
> Open your heart, it's gonna be alright.
> -Open your heart, yes, from Sonic Adventure.
CROW: Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be that big a fangirl.
JOEL: [Watching Tom bob back and forth] What's the deal, Tom?
TOM: I just realized that that song fits right in with "Hooked on a
Feeling!"
CROW: The "Ooga Chaka" song?
TOM: Really! Try it!
CROW: Okay...
JOEL & TOM: OOGACHAKA! OOGA OOGA! OOGACHAKA! OOGA OOGA!
CROW: o/~ Can't hold on much longer! But I will never let go! I
know it's a one way track! Don't know how long this'll last! o/~
Hey, that was kinda fun!
JOEL: Video game music. Who knew?
> Krista gasped as the energy blast rushed by her as she barely dodged
> out of the way.
TOM: [Krista] Boy, Unreal Tournament is getting more realistic every
day!
> "You've got to do better than that if you want to beat me, let alone
> Frieza!!" She looked up in time to see a shower of energy raining
> down on her. Launching herself up into the air, she weaved in and out
> of the energy, coming up behind Vegeta. She brought her hands
> together and knocked him on the back of his head, sending him into
> the mountainside.
CROW: AHA! That cinches it!
JOEL: Cinches what?
CROW: "DBZ Mary Sue Litmus Test" question 81: Does the character, not
being Saiyan, have superhuman ki powers anyway? - "superhuman"
meaning stronger than Krillin and Tien! There's no way either of
them could have got the drop on Vegeta like that! She's a Mary Sue,
I tell you!
TOM: Listen, birdbrain! Did it occur to you that Vegeta might be
going easy on her for training purposes?
CROW: Well... no...
TOM: And since when is digging up bits of info to throw at us your
job?
CROW: Well... I... Just shut up!
JOEL: Wouldn't Vegeta going easy on anyone be pretty out of
character for him?
TOM: Sure! But nobody said anything about him!
> He barreled in headfirst, drilling a very neat hole into the cliff
> side. She then hid behind the mountain, waiting for him to emerge.
> In a few seconds, Vegeta had indeed emerged and rose high, looking
> for her. He tried to sense her, but before he could she had launched
> a volley of blasts in his direction. He dodged them easily and came
> after her. The two of them skimmed along the ground as Vegeta tried
> to catch up to his apprentice.
CROW: But those damn dancing mops kept getting in the way.
> He finally called a halt and sat down to rest. Krista walked back
> over to join him and sat on a nearby rock. Vegeta wiped his brow and
> looked at her with some admiration and respect.
> "You're getting better kid. Much better. But better isn't good enough
> to beat Frieza."
JOEL: Playing the part of Piccolo tonight - Vegeta!
TOM: Okay - This is just _not_ Vegeta! I mean he hasn't belittled her,
cursed at her, or took a pot shot at her even once!
> Krista nodded. "I know. But we've still got a few months. I can get
> better in that time." Vegeta glanced at her. "You'd be surprised how
> little time a few months is. And remember, I was once part of
> Frieza's force. If I know him, he's brushing up his troops in
> anticipation for us, if he isn't already bringing along the Ginyu
> force."
TOM: Who are currently training with Debbie Allen to get their intro
moves down.
> Krista stood. "Then what are we just sitting around here for? We've
> got training to do!"
> It'd been so long since he'd had a truly good fight.
CROW: Umm... Isn't Vegeta having a good fight right now?
JOEL: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> Oh sure, the Ginyu were good for training-if one could tolerate their
> insufferable sense of "style".
JOEL: But the whole point of that 'style' was distraction, so
obviously it works.
> But a real, no-holds-barred fight? He sighed dejectedly. He hadn't
> seen one of those in far too long.
TOM: It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're so
much friggin' stronger than everyone else, now could it?
> One of the many reasons why he had so readily volunteered for this
> mission to Earth. As Zarbon looked into the mirror over his sink in
> his quarters, he wondered again just how he had ended up here.
CROW: "Through the door" would be my guess
> He wondered how he, the son of a nobleman, had ended up being spared
> by Frieza when his planet had been taken at a young age.
JOEL: Easy. It's called "Imaginary Backstory."
TOM: Imaginary Backstory - ask for it by name!
> How he had fought his way through the ranks to become number two in
> the organization. How he had even gotten to this point at all.
> His betrothed had been killed when his planet was taken, the rest of
> his species scattered amongst the galaxy.
CROW: Relegated to crowd scenes in space films.
TOM: Hey! Slap some antennae on Zarbon and he's an Andurian!
> It wasn't that his life was in shambles, Gods no. He was just...he
> couldn't even describe the feeling.
JOEL: [Zarbon] It's as though my entire life just popped up
suddenly...
> He sighed again and looked at his reflection. It was probably
> nothing a good fight couldn't fix.
> Not that he'd had a good fight in awhile...
CROW: For those of you playing along at home, Zarbon hasn't had a
good fight in a while.
TOM: And he's pretty down about it.
JOEL: Not having had a good fight in a while, that is.
> Piccolo watched as Vegeta and his protégé battled each other. Even
> he, with his exacting standards had to be impressed.
CROW: [To self] Admiration of all those around her...
TOM: LOOK!! SHE'S NOT A SELF-INSERT!!! GET IT THROUGH THAT THICK
GOLD SKULL OF YOURS!!
CROW: Touchy...
> Krista had come a long way in the seven or so months since they'd
> first sensed her power. Piccolo didn't know whether to attribute this
> dramatic increase in skill and power to the teacher or the student.
> It was quite obvious Vegeta had worked hard with her; she'd developed
> some of his style. But it was equally obvious that Krista had a very
> good talent for fighting and bettering herself. There was a definite
> fem flare in her fighting.
JOEL: So her fighting style has lots of screaming, scratching, and
flailing then?
> Indeed Krista had become more than a match for Vegeta. She was
> beating him out at every turn. For every blast he aimed at her, she
> had already begun to answer back with three.
TOM: ...Completely feeble and ineffective little zaps
> There was no doubt about it.
CROW: ...She's a self-insert.
TOM: DAMMIT, SHE IS NOT!!!
JOEL: Okay, lay off for now Crow.
> "She's good," he said simply to Seiji, who was standing next to him.
> Seiji nodded, his face expressionless. Piccolo watched for a few
> moments then cracked a small smile. "She's very good."
> Seiji grinned too. "Touma's going to be glad. We had no idea she was
> so capable...She's as good as any one of the Earth's Special
Forces."
TOM: Of course, once you get down past Piccolo you're pretty much
dealing in cannon fodder. But by cracky, she's right up there!
> Piccolo nodded. "We know. We're going to ask her to join us as soon
> as this mess with Frieza's over."
JOEL: Since when are the Z-Fighters an "official" team?
CROW: Hey... Did they go and form The Superfriends behind our back?
> Seiji glanced up at the Namek in surprise. "You're serious." It was a
> statement rather than a question. Piccolo nodded again. "If she'll
> accept." Seiji grinned even wider. "I don't think that'll be a
> problem." He then turned serious. "When are we expecting Frieza?"
> "Within the next 24 hours."
TOM: [Seiji] Good. Just enough time to cry myself insensate!
CROW: [Seiji] We who are about to die say *HEEEEEELP!!!*
> Seiji grunted. "Anytime now, you mean." Piccolo nodded.
> "Now is the time when we get to see just what everyone is made of."
> "Now entering Earth's atmosphere."
> Frieza grinned wickedly. "Excellent. Take us in."
JOEL: [Crewman] We're already in, sir...
CROW: [Frieza] Quiet, you!
> "Aye, sir."
> She sensed it so sharply that she actually stopped in mid-jump,
> causing her mentor who was chasing her to charge into her. "What is
> it?" he asked. Then his eyes widened and his lips settled into a fine
> line. "They're here."
TOM: They're queer! Get used to it!
CROW: Fat chance!
> It was a lineup of the worlds finest fighters. Apart from the
> Troopers, Senshi and Earth's Special Forces, there was Superman, the
> X-men, Iron Man, War Machine, The Inner Circle, as well as Sakura and
> Lee (Madison taping from behind a tree),
TOM: Given the Japanese tone of everything else in this fic, shouldn't
that be Sakura, Li, and Tomoyo?
CROW: Tomoyo... Madison, it still a normal human behind a tree in a DBZ
battle. It all gets spelled "C-O-R-P-S-E."
> a few strong Pocket-Monsters Trainers, A-ko
JOEL: [A-Ko] Hi, Daddy!
TOM: [Superman] Hi, A-ko!
> and B-ko in her mecha suit and...well, I'm sure you get the picture.
CROW: [Pointing] Lessee... Meat, meat, meat, dead - but intact, meat,
stain, meat...
JOEL: Yep. All your favorite cartoon characters in one spot.
TOM: Congrats, Magic Voice. You called Cardcaptors.
MV: [flatly] Hooray for me.
CROW: Place your bets, folks. Who dies first?
TOM: When in doubt, go with the last winner: Sakura.
JOEL: Don't know - which X-Men are here?
CROW: Ash! Gotta be Ash!
TOM: She said "Pocket Monsters," not "Pokémon."
CROW: Right. Satoshi! Gotta be Satoshi!
> They waited in silence as the bright speck in the sky drew closer.
> Cero turned to Ryo.
> "You think we're all ready for them?"
CROW: [Ryo] Nope! We're dog food!
JOEL: [Cero] Just checking.
> Ryo grinned wryly. "We're as ready as we're ever going to be."
> The bright speck became distinguishable as it sailed in closer and
> closer until they could see it for it's immense size. The ship
> touched down on extended claws, and the door slid open. Vegeta
> bristled as the first one out was Kui. The fish-faced alien smiled
> cruelly. "Long time no see...ape."
> Vegeta let out a low, threatening growl.
TOM: ...Beat his chest, then flung a handful of poop at him.
> Dodoria was the next one off of the ship,
JOEL: I give you - Dodoria, Gumball from Hell!
> his massive bulk making even the Blob give a small gulp. Krista stood
> steely-faced as alien after cruel alien stepped off of the ship. Some
> had blasters on their arms. Others, she rightly guessed, needn't have
> bothered. Then, she drew in a gasp, as did every female defender of
> Earth as Zarbon stepped off of the ship. He glanced around at the
> suddenly flushed faces and grinned. Nothing like a few good looks to
> throw off the ladies, he thought amusedly.
CROW: And to make the men think you're a fairy.
> Finally came Frieza, floating along in his vehicle.
> He glanced around first at his own soldiers, then at the Earth's
> Defenders. "Well," he drawled, smirking. "This is quite a welcome.
> Look, boys, they've even brought entertainment!" he said, his gaze
> wandering over the Sailor Senshi and B-ko.
TOM: [Dodoria] The Spice Girls! Cool!
> B-ko grit her teeth behind her mask but said nothing. Frieza turned
> to Vegeta, still smirking but with a glint of pure hatred in his
> eyes. "So nice to see you again Vegeta. Earth treating you well?"
> "Better than you ever did," Vegeta replied shortly.
CROW: [Vegeta, whiny] Why didn't you call me? You promised you'd
call me!!
TOM: That's gonna leave a mental mark!
> Frieza laughed.
JOEL: [Frieza] Your witty banter amuses me, but now it's time to fry!
> "Indeed. We'll test that theory in a minute. Kui."
> Kui stepped forward. "Yes, Master?"
> "Tell them my demands."
> Kui nodded then turned to the assembled group of defenders.
> "Master Frieza's commands are quite simple.
CROW: [Dr. Evil] ONE *BILLION* DOLLARS!
> He wants the Dragon Balls. Give them to him, and you'll all live.
> Refuse, and, well, there won't be an Earth left once My master gets a
> hold of it."
JOEL: [Frieza] And...?
TOM: [Kui] Oh, yes: And... LEAVE THE BRONX!!!
> The soldiers behind him grinned. Supersailormoon stepped forward.
> "I think I speak for all of us assembled here when I say fuck off!"
[Pause]
CROW: Oh...kay! That was out of the blue!
TOM: [Sailor Moon] MOON PRINCESS POTTYMOUTH PULSE!!!
> Several of the defenders had to laugh, including Krista. Lee and
> Sakura, however, were looking scandalized.
TOM : They ain't the only ones.
> Frieza raised an eyebrow. "I see. Well in that case, I see no reason
> why we can't get started right here and now. But I'm up for a little
> sport. How about we pit one of your weaker opponents against one of
> my weaker soldiers? Kui!"
CROW: [Kui] Me?!? What about the guys that actually need guns?
JOEL: [Frieza] I said ONE... OF... MY... WEAKER... SOLDIERS!
CROW: [Kui, meekly] yessir...
> Kui, looking very sullen indeed, stepped forward. Jean immediately
> glanced towards Krista, but she could feel that she was much too
> strong. So she instead turned to Sakura.
TOM: Of course! Why choose someone with a better chance of winning?
CROW: Playing the part of Yaumcha tonight - Sakura!
> "You feel up to this?"
> Sakura grinned. "Ready as I'll every be."
> "Yeah, that's the spirit!" Cero yelled.
JOEL: [Cero] Where'd you put your will, again?
> Kui laughed as Sakura stepped forward. "You're pitting a child
> against me? Don't think I'll hesitate to kill her."
TOM: It's Kui Wayne Gacy!
> "Just fight!" she yelled, brandishing her Clow rod. She took out two
> cards and threw them into the air. "Fight and Power, Release and
> Dispel!" She brought her rod down on the two cards. "Fight and
> Power!!" In a whirling rush of pink and blue,
CROW: [Sakura] COLOR CO-ORDINATION BOMBER!!!
> two forms emerged, both female. One was cute and little. The other,
> tough looking and very mean. Kui laughed again. "And what can these
two
> things do?" "I'll show you!" Sakura held up her wand, and aimed a
heavy
> blow at Kui's head. Kui stood there, prepared to take a little tap to
the skull.
JOEL: Mmm.. a nice, refreshing dose of DBZ-brand Arrogant Stupidity!
TOM: Ask for it by name!
> KA-POW! Kui was thrown backwards over the heads of his fellow
> soldiers into a nearby mountain.
CROW: Just how many mountains are there in Japan anyway? Especially
they keep getting demolished like that!
> Blood was oozing from where he'd been hit. Sakura took out another
card.
> "Fly card! Release and dispel! Fly card!" her staff bore wings and
she flew
> over to where he had landed. She took out one last card. "Lightning
card!
> Release and dispel! Lightning!" Her rod cackling with electricity,
she stood
> before Kui stone-faced. "You're going down," she whispered,
TOM: [Kui] But I'm down already.
JOEL: [Sakura] Quiet, you!
> and brought the rod hard upon Kui's head. Kui yelled out as he was
> electrocuted, and slumped all the way down to the ground,
> unconscious.
JOEL: Actually, he's just sulking because Frieza called him weak.
TOM: [Kui, muttering] Rassum, frassum, sending me against Sailor
Shirley Temple...
> Sakura took out her Fly card and flew back over to her fellow
> defenders. Frieza looked a little impressed.
> "Not bad. Not bad at all, even for a child. I see you've been
> training hard."
CROW: [Frieza] You're still going to fry, I just thought you'd like
to know.
> "Not bad for the 'weakest' fighter, eh?" Cero yelled out. Frieza
> frowned, and suddenly in a rush of wind, Cero was down. "Cero!!"
> Sakura and Lee called out together, running over towards him. Sakura
> picked up his tiny body and gasped. "Cero's....dead."
CROW: So, "none of the above" on the death pool, then?
TOM: Umm... not to nitpick, but why wasn't Cero in full Hellbeast
Guardian mode here?
JOEL: Fuzzy corpses are more tragic?
> "What??" Madison stepped out from behind the tree. Frieza smiled
> cruelly and before Vegeta could utter a word of warning, Frieza sent
> out three precision energy blasts and three human bodies slumped to
> the ground, dead.
[All sit in silence]
TOM: He...
JOEL: He just blew away three kids.
CROW: Just like that...
[Pause]
ALL: ALRIGHT!!!
[All burst into applause]
CROW: [Chanting] Frieza! Frieza! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!
JOEL: Alright! Someone's finally in character!
TOM: Ooooh! OOOH! Kill the Ronins next! Kill the Ronins next!
> Goku turned to Frieza.
> "Monster! Killing three children with their backs turned!"
> Frieza grinned. "They knew what they were getting into. The Dragon
> Balls?"
JOEL: He's got a point.
CROW: [Frieza] What do you want? I'm EVIL!
TOM: You sound way too much like Dr. F when you do that.
CROW: Sorry...
> Rajura's lips settled into a very fine line. As infuriated as he was
> with Frieza, he knew it would do no good to go charging at him or
> he'd end up like the young Cardcaptors.
JOEL: So he wet 'em, and ran away screaming.
--
My name is:
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