MSTed: Yull Brown's Gas (2/2)
Bryan Lambert
Here's part II of my second-ever MSTing, "Yull Brown's Gas Changing The World".
Again, any feedback, including/especially criticism, is greatly appreciated.
<door sequence>
Tom: I can't believe we're back in here . . .
Crow: I said I was sorry...
>Welcome to the Home Page of Prof. Yull Brown
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Prof. Brown discovered in the 1960's that if Hydrogen & Oxygen were
>suitably mixed and stored in a 2:1 ratio (2 parts Hydrogen to 1 part
>Oxygen - same ratio as water),
Crow: Wow, he knows the water ratio!
Tom: He must be a real scientist!
the resulting gas was NOT explosive.
Mike: Tell that to the Hindenburg.
Crow: Hold on. This doesn't make any sense, right?
Tom: Right.
Crow: Just checking.
>Most Chemistry books did not realize this
Mike: The danged liberal conspiracy thought it wasn't inclusive enough.
>and simply stated that mixture of
>hydrogen and oxygen was explosive and should be avoided. Prof. Brown
Tom: Felt that explosive things should not be avoided, so he worked on
figuring out how to destroy the world.
>found that if the 2:1 ratio was suitably maintained within 5%,
Mike: <snickering> Ah, Professor Brown keeps painstaking tolerances in his
lab, I see.
Crow: Yeah, even Gallup can manage plus or minus three percent.
>the resulting gas (Brown's Gas) would have remarkable properties. Among
>these properties were:
Crow: Brown's gas could really clear the room!
Mike: That's one...
>* Gas is implosive - can create vacuum with very interesting applications.
Tom: So it doesn't blow, it sucks?
Mike: That explains the interesting applications.
Crow: Well it's obvious these guys don't get out enough...
>* Gas can be ignited and used for welding - commercial machines made in
> China are now available.
Tom: So, it doesn't explode, but it can burn. So, we've discovered that
hydrogen and oxygen can burn. And thus, the world is doomed.
Mike: I knew guys at college that ignited their gas, but welding that way
was awfully tough.
Crow: But I bet it made "gentle pressure" that much more important.
Tom: By the way, for those of you keeping score, that was "two".
>* Temperature and resulting effect of the Flame varies depending on >
material it is in contact with
Tom: Oh, right. So it doesn't explode, but it burns, but it implodes, but
it burns completely subjectively?
Mike: Well, only if you keep the mixture within five percent...
Tom: This makes the transporter seem well-thought out.
>- a human hand (including mine) can touch flame and feel slightly warm.
>Yet the flame can cut through steel easily.
Crow: Pay no attention to the gas line control under the counter.
Tom: Come on, touch it! It's safe! It burned through steel, sure, and it
can destroy the world, oh, and it creates a vacuum, but touch it!
>* Some radioactive materials after being treated by the flame lost their
> radioactivity - It is possible that there is nuclear reaction induced by
> the flame. This raises the possibility of safe nuclear waste disposal.
Mike: This raises the possibility that these people are morons. Now it
cleans up nuclear waste?? I was afraid this would turn into a Didi-7 ad...
>* Flame can melt bricks under water.
Crow: With spark flower and loud report on some model.
Mike: And this would be useful to...
Tom: Violent scuba-loving anti-masonry types, I guess.
>Prof. Brown's work was first reported in Australia in the 1970s. Detailed
>descriptions are available from the magazine called Raum&Zeit (Vol. 3 No.
>2 and Vol. 3 No. 3, 1992).
Crow: And in the latest issue of Highlights.
Mike: Wow, volume 3. Obviously a publication with a great deal of history
behind it.
The Magazine is now named Explore! (address:
>P.O. Box 1508, Mt. Vernon, WA 98273 Tel: 360-424-6025).
Mike: Any lawsuits involving Raum&Zeit are nullified by the name change.
>More articles are
>on No 7 1994, No. 8 1994, No. 10 1995, No. 11 1995, No. 12 1995.
>Permission is being sought to reproduce these and other articles on the
>Web.
Tom: I mean, sure we want to promote peace, prosperity, and global
destruction, but we want to make sure nobody's copyright toes get stepped
on.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: Wow, look at all the options on this web page!
>1.Introduction to Brown's Gas
Mike: I hope there aren't any inline .WAV files...
Tom: That's three.
>2.Experiment actually observed by Lawrence Tseung & Group
Crow: Wow! I mean, I've never heard of this Tseung guy, but we all know that
Group is always right!
Tom: Follow and mimic the actions of Group wherever you live!
Mike: Let Group do your thinking for you!
>3.Words from Prof. Yull Brown
Tom: Anaconda. Sandwich. Cow. Toy boat. Toy boat. Thank you.
>4.The Big Debate
Crow: PC's vs. Macs?
Tom: Sinclair vs. Sheridan?
Mike: Stuffing vs. Potatoes?
>5.Supporting Material
Tom: Bricks, steel, OH MY GOD! <makes crashing noises>
>6.Existing Supporters
Mike: If you know anybody on this list, notify the proper authorities.
>7.Support being sought
Tom: Here we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the point of this whole sorry
exercise.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>It is becoming clear to us that Prof. Brown has been living under a
>dilemma.
Mike: After mentioning it 60 times, it's BECOMING clear to them. Them and
their little heads.
>He knew his discovery will benefit the entire human race.
Tom: I love time-travel grammar.
Mike: This isn't time-travel grammar, Tom.
Tom: Don't shatter my illusions, Nelson.
>He stressed the 34 applications constantly.
Mike: Great for baby bottom, car headlight. Dilute! Dilute!
>He emphasized the concept of
>cheap, unlimited and non-polluting energy,
Mike: Through implosion, welding, and melted bricks.
>clean air and water,
Crow: Through implosion, welding, and melted -underwater- bricks.
>ability to convert sea water to fresh water
Tom: Through implosion, -Chinese- welding, and melted underwater bricks.
>and the treatment of nuclear wastes,
Mike: Oh yeah, the whole "nuclear reaction" thing.
Tom: And melted underwater bricks.
>etc.
Tom: Also known as "the other 30 applications he stressed constantly".
>The dark secret of the same discovery also haunted him. His
>discovery can also destroy the human race.
Mike: So, wouldn't that be thirty-FIVE applications?
>As a witness to his demonstration, I now shared the same secret. After a
>couple of sleepless nights and prayers, I have now decided to take the
>initiative.
Crow: I'm having the operation.
Mike: Melts bricks underwater, and handily changes your gender!
> - disclose the secret to the world and emphasize Peace and
>Prosperity to all at every possible opportunity.
Mike: Remember, melt bricks underwater for peace and prosperity, not for
evil.
>I shall take the full blame if the "evils" of the world used such a
discovery to end the human race.
Tom: Oh, that's brave of you. Who's going to be around to blame you if
everyone's DEAD!
>Let the credit go to Prof. Brown and his supporters for the 34
>powerful applications that will bring immerse wealth and prosperity to
>all.
Crow: All who bow down before him.
Tom: Wait. This guy is the primary supporter, so what he's saying is if the
world goes boom, blame him, but if Professor Brown's flatulence saves
humanity, he'll be right there to take the credit along with Yull.
Mike: Yep. Pretty much. And that's four.
>Once the *dark secret* is revealed to 30 million Internet Users, Prof.
>Brown can confidently advocate the peaceful uses of his discovery. He
>need not hold back any of his insight and knowledge. The world will
>benefit from this wonderful man.
Tom: <head explodes>
Crow: Logic...centers...overheating...
Mike: The secret of global destruction is safe in the hands of Usenet
posters, the smartest, sanest people on the planet.
Tom: <coming around> Well, at least that's over.
Crow: Wait, the words "dark secret" are underlined in blue! It's a hypertext
link!
Tom: You're kidding, right?
Crow: Well, we're on the Information Superhighway, it should be easy!
Tom: Just because it's easy doesn't make it right.
Crow: I wanna get on the Information Superhighway!!!
Mike: Well, I'll probably regret this, but... Cambot, click on "dark
secret".
>The "Cheap" Nuclear Bomb
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: Hey, my nuclear bomb only killed half a million people!
Mike: Well, you get what you pay for.
>The following information is a result of my Prayer.
Tom: I said, "Oh Lord, how can I make a cheap nuclear bomb?" And guess what?
God came through with the goods!
>It can bring Peace and Prosperity to the entire human race or it can
destroy the entire human race.
Mike: Only one per household. No substitutions.
>Let us have peace and prosperity.
Crow: Oh, and fried wonton to start.
>Readers, please support the
>noble cause. Take the evil out of your hearts.
Tom: And send it to us at the following address...
>Here I shall disclose the secret of the "cheap" nuclear bomb that can
>destroy the world with the Brown's Gas.
Crow: Take six cans of chili beans...
Mike: That's five, and remember to pace yourselves, I think the next
section's going to be rich.
>The secrets of the hydrogen bomb as disclosed in all
>literature are as follows:
Tom: All literature? I must have missed that in my edition of "Moby Dick".
Crow: Yeah, the government made them leave the nuke instructions out of the
film version of "Sense and Sensibility".
>1. Require the isotopes of hydrogen that can be obtained from electrolysis
> of water & separation.
Mike: Once the hydrogen and oxygen's divorce is final, continue with step 2.
>2. Require Uranium as the ignitor. Critical Mass of Uranium need to be >
packed tightly together.
Mike: Look, honey, I know how to start the damn barbecue!!!
Crow: (female): Don't you think that's too much uranium?
Mike: Shut up and get me a beer!
Tom: The Oppenheimer family on Memorial Day, ladies and gentlemen.
>3. Require Special Explosives to pack the Uranium together.
Crow: Or, just use styrofoam peanuts.
>With Brown's Gas, the basic requirements can be met relatively easily.
Tom: Eliminate unsightly uranium stains with Brown's Gas!
Crow: With new Brown's Gas, making a nuclear weapon is -easier- than one,
two, three!
>1. The special Brown's Gas can be such isotopes of hydrogen & oxygen. Such
> Gas separation technology is well known and commercially available.
> Similar techniques are used in petroleum refineries all over the world.
Mike: I hate them. They can be SUCH isotopes.
Tom: So far, it's just like the "expensive" nuclear bomb.
>2. Ignitor may or may not be needed. This is still an unknown property of
> Brown's Gas. My gut feeling tells me that if Nuclear Reaction can indeed
> be produced by Brown's Gas, Ignitor may not be necessary. In any case,
> it is a minor inconvenience.
Tom: My gut feeling tells me you won't have to acquire massive quantities of
radioactive uranium, one of the most tightly-controlled substances on the
planet, but if I'm wrong, it's only a minor inconvenience. Just run down to
the Kwikki-Marrt and pick up a six-pack of U-238!
>3. The Implosion Property of Brown's Gas eliminates the need for Special
> Explosives. The special Brown's Gas consisting of the isotopes of
> hydrogen & oxygen are inside a tube with "ignition" pistons on both
> sides.
Mike: The orange sherbet goes in the tube, packed tightly against the
"ignition" piston.
Tom: You know, that's not the kind of "Push-Up" joke we usually do.
Mike: Well, if this were Professor Van Doren's Gas...
> "Ignition" piston can be made of Uranium or other "Ignitors".
Crow: Just use whatever you have around the house.
> On the other sides of such pistons can be heavy hydrogen. All gases are
> compressed at very high pressure. Before the implosion, the compressed
> Gases will keep the Ignition Pistons apart. Critical Mass will not be
> achieved.
Tom: It's the new Inflate-A-Bomb! Pump it up and watch it go!
Crow: Is critical mass why they never seat Medved, Lyons, and Ebert in the
same section at the Oscars?
> The implosion of Brown's Gas will create a vacuum.
Crow: It'll really clear the room!
Mike: That's six, plus two penalty points for repetition.
> The heavily
> compressed heavy hydrogen will cause the "ignition" pistons to come
> together. Critical Mass can be created instantly. The heavy water
> resulting from implosion of the special Brown's Gas and the surrounding
> heavy hydrogen will have the equivalent effect of the well-known deadly
> hydrogen bomb.
Tom: So, thanks to Brown's Gas, the main element you can eliminate from your
H-Bomb construction is the TNT? You still need heavy water, you still need
uranium, but the world is doomed.
Crow: Geez, even the Duke Boys could get dynamite.
Mike: I think the world is safe from the "evil" part of the brain. It's the
"stupid" part of the brain we have to worry about.
>Now, we have disclosed how we can destroy the world.
Tom: So get cracking!
>We shall focus our
>total energy and life to the benefits we can bring to the human race.
Crow: By destroying it.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Please send your comments to Lawrence Tseung during this Information
>Construction Period. Thank You.
Crow: You're welcome.
Tom: Hmm. "Information Construction" sounds like a really fancy way to say
"making up out of whole cloth".
Mike: Be careful, fines are doubled in Information Construction Zones. Come
on, let's get out of here.
<door seequence>
Tom: Mike! Mike! Hey Mike! Look what we found! Mike! Hey, Mike!
Mike enters, drying hair with a towel: What is it?
Tom: We've got ourselves a dilemma. We've discovered an incredibly powerful
brown gas, and we don't know if we should tell everyone how to destroy the
world with it or not.
Mike: Oh, I'd say not. Where'd you find this brown gas any... on second
thought, I don't want to know.
Crow enters, pushing an acquarium. In the aquarium is a brick.
Tom: Is it melted yet?
Crow: Not yet.
Tom: Well did you add the brown gas?
Crow: Twice! Hey, Mike, can we have Mexican tonight?
Mike: Well, sure, I don't see why not... why?
Crow: Oh, no reason. Tom, go get the torch!
Tom: Oh, yeah, this is so cool!
Tom exits. When he comes back, he's holding what looks like an acetylene
torch, and a piece of steel with a hole through it.
Tom: Burned right through! Touch it, Mike!
Mike: I'm not touching that!
Tom: Come on, it won't hurt.
Mike: Yes it will. That's flame. Flame hurts.
Crow: Ah, but this is brown gas flame! The Chinese use it for welding! It's
perfectly safe. Watch!
Crow walks over to the torch. There's a brief hissing sound, and Crow is
engulfed in flames.
Tom: Aaaah! Stop, drop and roll, Crow!
Crow: Owieowieowieowieowie!
Gypsy throws a blanket over the whole sorry mess.
Mike: Thanks, Gypsy. You know, in some ways, I miss Deep 13. I mean, there
was this button, it was pressed, there was closure...
Gypsy: Roger!
Gypsy goes to the wall, flips down a panel, grabs a big lever in her mouth,
and pulls.
<fwoosh>
This MSTing is satire/parody/whatever. No personal attack is intended on
Professor Brown, Mr. Tseung, or anyone else involved, especially if they've
got the power to destroy the world and stuff. Mystery Science Theater 3000
and its characters is/are the (wonderful) property of Best Brains, Inc. No
copyright infringement is intended, implied, or inferred.
Bryan Lambert <bryan....@co.hennepin.mn.us>
>Within our little heads, we have the knowledge to benefit or to destroy
>the entire human race.