MSTed: Night of the Next Generation 5/14

[John Nevins]

My MSTing: Is There In Trek No Entertainment?

V

Tom: Actually, there is more behind and inside V than any of
us had suspected. Not who, but what, what is she.
Mike: You _can't_ be talking about this post.
Tom: Never mind, Mike.

Picard was the first to enter the examining room--and he regretted
it the moment he did.

Crow: Not as much as we do.

Nurse Bannister lay unconscious on the deck. The medical tricorder
that Dr. Crusher had just used was smashed by her feet. Re liquid
was coagulating around her leg where a large wound was visible.

Mike: Smuckers jellies and jams...for when the undead are
munching on you...

And over her, knelt the dead corpse of Lieutenant Rodriguez, fresh
blood dripping from it's teeth.

Tom: Y'know, in a film, this might be gross - but here it's
just dull.
Mike: Actually, Tom, I think if this were a film it'd be _Plan
Nine From Outer Space_.
Crow: But without the coherent plot.

"Oh dear lord..." whispered the Captain.

Mike: Won't you buy me, a diamond ring?

The corpse looked up at Picard and opened it's mouth, making
motions with it's jaw, as if trying to speak.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) Want some? There's a whole
leg here I haven't touched...

Pieces of flesh dropped from it's teeth as it did.

Tom: (guttural hellbeast voice) Uh-oh...I hope she's kosher...

All that was heard was a wet, guttural sound.

Mike: (guttural hellbeast voice) *makes loud chewing and
swallowing sounds* Oh, sorry...I just get carried
away with a good piece of steak tartare like
this....

Beverly Crusher then entered the room.

Crow: Nobody expects Beverly Crusher! Her main weapon is
surprise, surprise and fear.....

Her hand went immediately to her mouth as she took in what was
happening. Dragging itself with it's one good arm, the corpse
started crawling towards the two.

Tom: (announcer's voice) We could have a play at the plate!

The Captain stepped sideways and slapped the comm panel next to the
entrance.
"Emergency! Securty to Sick Bay, on the double!" he yelled.

Mike: 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12, report to Sick Bay; we have a
report of a reanimated corpse terrorizing Dr.
Crusher.

The thing made a couple of swipes at their legs with it's bony,
clawed fingers.

Crow: Gym-corpsa!

The Captain grabbed Dr. Crusher by the shoulders andshoved her back
through the door, following close behind.
"Ohhhhh..."

Tom: Lady?
Crow: -mmmmmmmmm?
Mike: -klahoma where the wind goes whistling down the plains?

Picard was about to seal the entrance when Nurse Bannister began to
gain consciousness. The thing gave a toothy grin,

Mike: (Gilbert Gottfried voice) Oh! I'm a corpse! I'm gonna
eat the nurse! Oh!

and, faster than the Captain anticipated, doubled back for the
hapless nurse.

Tom: (guttural hellbeast voice) I'm gonna eat her with relish
- ha! Just a little undead humor there, folks.

Picard looked about for someting to use as a weapon.

Crow: Try the character of Troi's mother - it's certainly
offensive enough.

From a nearby table, he grabbed Crusher's medical pack and ran into
the room.
Nurse Bannister screamed as the thing approached.

Mike: Boy, *Martin* really doesn't think much of women, does
he?
Tom: Let's see - they've screamed helplessly...
Crow: He had Dr. Crusher act like a first-year medical
student...
Mike: And now he's going to kill one off.
Crow: Let's send this post to Catherine McKinnon. That'll
serve *Martin* right.

Picard raised the pack in the air and brought it down hard on the
thing's back.

Tom: (announcer's voice) That's a foreign object! That's not
the "Policeman Picard" we all know!

It whipped around hissing and clawing.

Mike: All we'll need is a tacky dress, and it'll be a
reenactment of the KD Lang-Cindy Crawford fight
backstage at the Oscars...

Picard gave a startled cr as it it grazed him on the arm. He
backed up,

Crow: (female Scandahoovian voice) Oh, dear, when my Jeffrey
was like that, he took some Moxie, and it worked
right off. It keeps ya regular, doncha know.

and the thing came after him. It's swiftness

Tom: Normally I wouldn't correct someone's grammar--
Crow: Sure you would, Tom. You made Gypsy cry that one time
when you told her she was misusing "hopefully" and
she was going to hell because of it. Remember?
Tom: Shut up, Crow. No, I wouldn't - people who pick on other
people's grammar are tedious buttfaces - but
*Martin* keeps misusing "it's" here.
Mike: I noticed that. Hey, Martin buddy, got a tip for you -
"it's" is a contraction of "it is." It's not the
possessive "its."
Crow: I'd send him to Strunk and White, only I'm afraid that
might encourage him to write even more.

once again cauht Picard by surprise and he fell, off balance, onto
the floor. The thing was upon him in seconds.

Crow begins humming bow-chicka-bow-bowwww music.

At that moment, two security officers burst into sick bay, phasers
drawn.

Mike: *singing* Oh, we're the boys of the chorus, we hope you
like our show...

"There! There!" screamed the doctor, pointing at the examining
room entrance. "It's in there!"

Tom: Get out! The calls are coming from inside the sick bay!

They raced into the room to see the thing on top of Picard,

Crow: *singing in Picard voice* Oh sweet mystery of life at
last I've found you....

the Captain's fingers wrapped tightly around it's bony throat,
teeth gnashing in the air just inches above his head.

Mike: If loving Picard is a crime, let me convicted!
Tom: Obsession - from Gene Roddenberry.

Both officers brought their phases to bear and fired.

Tom: Just goes to prove, guys - if phasers are outlawed, only
reanimated hellbeast corpses will have phasers...

The blast ripped the thing out of Picard's grip, hurling it across
the room.

Crow: And I thought the Church was hard on masturbation!

It slammed into the far wall with a loud thud and slumped into a
twisted mass. The officers dashed over to aid their fallen Captain
as Dr. Crusher entered the room.

Mike: Oh Captain, my Captain, our tedious Trek is done, The
Enterprise has weathered syndication, the cash
prize we sought is won....

"Th-thing.. stronger than it looks.." he gasped, taking deep gulps
of air. "Th-thank God, you were just in..."
Suddenly a loud shriek filled the air.

Crow: Oh great. Alanis Morrissette has started "singing."

Everyone cupped their hands tightly over their ears.

Tom: What - they're being forced to listen to Howard Stern?

They all ooked over at the source and saw the thing had risen from
the ground.

Mike: (guttural hellbeast voice) Wanna go walkies!

It was now standing before them, surrounded by a aint blue glow.

Tom begins humming "Crystal Blue Persuasion."

The security team fired again, but this time the thing stood it's
ground. The glow intensified as the streams continued, and the
shrieking grew louder.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) Geez....ya'd think you guys
don't like me or somethin'....

Using this distraction, the Captain stood up, and he and the doctor
grabbed nurse Bannister and pulled her out into the other room.

Mike: (Groucho voice) Y'know, the last time I did that, I
ended up in jail.

When they were clear, the security officers ceased firing and
bolted out as well.

Tom: (Sgt. Bilko? voice) We'll, heh, just be on our way, then,
heh....

Picard punched the control panel and the door slid shut. The
shrieking dampened to just below a whisper.

Crow: Mike, is there a mute button for this fanfic?
Mike: No, sorry, Crow.

Picard and Dr. Crusher placed nurse Bannister on a sick bed, and
then leaned against the bulkhead for a moment t catch their breath.
"W-what the hell was that?" Ensign Culliver, one of the security
team, was the first to speak.

Mike: (Picard voice) A bad piece of fanfic, Ensign. If you see
the author, shoot to kill.

Suddenly a loud crash came from the examining room. Picard walked
over to a comm station and punched up a view of the room.

Crow: (Picard voice) You mean I can spy on other people from
here? Can I tune in to Counsellor Troi's quarters
from here?

What they saw defied all natural laws.
The ting was walking around, shoving things off shelves,
pulling panels of the walls, and trashing anything it could.

Tom: That doesn't defy all natural laws - you can see that at
any frat party.

What was amazing was

Crow: If anybody is still reading this piece of dog poopie.

it was actually WALKING around on it's bony legs, without muscles
to hold them together, or move them for that matter.
"He was dead, I know he was!" insisted the docor. "Every test
I ran confirmed this!"

Tom: (Beverly voice) Wasserman, GRE, Rabbit...all came up
negative!

She pointed to the display. "He should NOT be able to walk around
like that."

Crow: (Beverly voice) In _those_ shoes and _that_ pair of
pants! Who let him out of the house wearing that
outfit???

"Could this be some kind of Alien who has taken over the form of a
human being, Doctor?" asked the Captain.
"It would have to be a very good at mimicking," she explained.

Mike: Aliens 4: Marcel Marceau in Space.

"The body was human in all ways, right down to the DNA. I have yet
to see an alien that can duplicate that!

Crow: I saw lots at the Republican National Convention!
Tom: No, Crow, those were Neanderthals, not aliens.
Crow: *disappointed* Oh.

No, that... THING walking around in there is human--or at least,
was..."

Tom: (Beverly voice) Now, though, it's in roughly the same
state as Bob Dole - not really alive, but not quite
dead yet.

"Why didn't the phasers affect it, Captain?" piped Lieutenant
Bowes, the other security officer.

Mike: (Picard voice) How the hell should I know?

"It appeared to absorb the energy from the phasers, gaining
strength from it.

Tom: Just call him Captain Exposition, folks.

We'll have to find some other method to destroy it."

Crow: Make it read "Night of the Next Generation."

He looked over at her.

Mike: (Picard voice) My, but you're cute. Ensign, how would
you like to see the Captain's log tonight?
Crow: Mike!
Mike: Sorry, I don't know what came over me....

"I want a full security detail in here watching that thing around
the clock." Bowes snapped to attention. "Aye, aye sir." She did
an about face and raced from the room.

Tom: (Picard voice) Say, that Bowes has a nice hinder. I'd
hate to have to shoot a butt like that...

"We have to warn the away team," he confided to the doctor.

Mike: (Picard voice) Brent Musberger will be doing the play-
by-play for their next game - and you know how _he_
is.

"This is something..." At that moment, nurse Bannister moaned.

Crow: (female voice) No more...please, just kill me so I don't
have to say any more of this lame
dialogue...please...

The doctor raced to her side and, using a tricorder, scanned her
wounds. Her reaction was one of puzzlement. Quickly she seleted
a hypo from a nearby arrangement and punched it on the nurses arm.
A second scan followed.
"This doesn't make any sense," she said, frustrated.

Tom: Believe me, Beverly, we _know_.

"I read no contamination, no poisons, nothing."

Mike: Read the ingredients a little closer - the "larks'
vomit" is right after the "monosodium glutemate."

The doctor adjusted the tricorder and scanned again. "The wound is
not very deep,

Crow: Not so wide as a church-door, nor so deep as a well, but
`twill serve, `twill serve...to get me out of this
lame fanfic - woo-hoo!

and not much blood was lost." She looked at the Captain. "But
these readings indicate that nurse Banniser is DYING."

Tom begins humming soap opera theme music.
Crow: (soap opera voice-over voice) How will Chad react when
he learns his fiancee' is dying? Is Nurse Bannister
still pregnant by Jeremy? And what of Naomi, and
her quest to find her long-lost twin sister? Tune
in tomorrow to..."Love of Chair."

The doctor continued scanning as Picard looked on, unconsciously
scratching the itch on his arm.
The itch caused by three fresh scratch marks.

Crow: *sigh* Well, we've already gotten to know *Martin's*
writing style. Somehow he thinks putting things in
a separate, one-line paragraph adds to the dramatic
tension. News flash, *Martin* - it's not working.
Tom: Mike, tell me one thing.
Mike: What's that, Tom?
Tom: We will get a vacation after this, won't we?
Mike: Sorry, little buddy, we're in this for the long run...

a Nevins/Malcom joint