MiSTed: JSH: So they lied [ 1 / 1 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ OPENING CREDITS, SEASON TEN STYLE. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. CROW, MIKE, and TOM SERVO are behind the desk.
TOM has a bright yellow power brick-size contraption strapped
to his chest; it has an oversized spiral paper disc in front. ]
CROW: [ Taunting ] Tom, you're gonna die.
TOM: Am not.
MIKE: Gotta side with Crow. [ Looking up: ] Hi, everyone. Welcome back
to the Satellite of Love, and, uh, Tom is worried about his figure.
TOM: My friends wouldn't say anything, but I have been packing on a
few too many pounds and I don't have time for a good exercise
program, so instead I got an Izah fat evaporator. By stimulating
my many muscle groups in rhythmic oscillatory pulses I can shed
pounds without any work.
CROW: He's gonna die.
MIKE: Crow's right, but hey, you want, you want.
TOM: Right! Fire me up to fitness, Mike!
[ MIKE touches a button on the brick; the paper wheel starts spinning.
TOM rattles around like an unbalanced washing machine. TOM
makes all sorts of aggedy-aggedy-aggedy and acking type noises,
while pieces go flying off -- his cap, his head, his skirt,
his arms one at a time, the front of his barrel, and finally
he collapses behind the desk. ]
CROW: Told you so!
MIKE: Crow, hush, that's not very nice.
[ MIKE leans down and digs around on the floor. He picks up the small
cylinder with TOM's mouth on it. ]
TOM: [ Dazedly ] I ... feel ... ... lithe.
[ MADS SIGN flashes. ]
MIKE: Aw, great, and now Pearl needs us ... Hello down there ...
[ MIKE hits the MADS SIGN with TOM, who goes 'Ow!'. ]
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL, PROFESSOR BOBO, and OBSERVER are seated
behind card tables covered with books, papers, scrawled notes,
strangely marked globes, astrolabes, for that `stuff' theme.
A bare light on a long electrical wire hangs over their heads.
BOBO and OBSERVER mutter their lines to each other. ]
BOBO: Federal Reserve ...
OBSERVER: Opus Dei ...
PEARL: [ To BOBO and OBSERVER, muttering ] Just, keep me posted.
[ To camera, boisterously ] All right, Nel-sonnnn ...
[ She drags out the 'n', thinking of a way to twist it, finally
giving up with: ] N. I got to thinking: why go to all the hard
work of taking over the world when I can just find the guys who
*do* rule the world and take *them* over?
[ BOBO holds up a piece of paper with ``17/23'' written across it, which
OBSERVER does not find interesting. ]
PEARL: So now I just have to find them, and by 'I' I mean 'you', so, get
into that theater and tell me what this tells you about who's
ruling the world, got it?
OBSERVER: Heidi Klum ...
BOBO: Goo goo ga joob.
PEARL: BRAIN GUY!
OBSERVER: Hup ... one conspiracy in 35 millimeters, coming up.
[ BRAIN GUY noise. ]
PEARL: And you better get it right or I have *such* a Ratliff waiting.
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. MIKE is trying out putting the gumball dome under
TOM's mouth, while CROW snickers. ]
TOM: This just feels funny.
[ MOVIE SIGN; ALL panic. ]
ALL: MOVIE SIGN!
[ INTO THE THEATER ... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ MIKE carries in just TOM's mouthpiece, and hides it behind the chair. ]
> From: jst...@msn.com
CROW: Hail the Missin'com!
> Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.math.undergrad
MIKE: o/` old.math.river, that old.math.river ... o/`
> Subject: JSH: So they lied
CROW: It happens.
> Lines: 109
CROW: Polygons: 28.
[ TOM, back to normal, emerges in silhouette. ]
> Message-ID: <1150354125....@g10g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>
TOM: It's ten to one hundredth power of giddy, groupy fun!
>
> I first began to get a real grasp of the true situation when I was
> arguing about my prime counting function,
CROW: We're ... so very sorry for you.
> which is actually THE prime
> counting function,
MIKE: The prime counting function of the whole tri-city area!
> and after yet another useless argument on sci.math
> with some regulars, it occurred to me, they had to know.
TOM: How do you tell when an argument on Usenet is useless?
MIKE: It's on Usenet?
>
> They had to know that what I had actually was different from what was
> previously known in key ways,
CROW: Like in its delightful lemony scent.
> but they were deliberately lying about
> it.
TOM: I confronted them. They denied it. Case closed.
>
> Now I have found a new factoring method.
MIKE: [ Mad science laughter ] Mwu-hu-ha-hA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA ... huh?
>
> Literally trillions of dollars WILL move as a result, but for now, you
> can see the quiet as these people keep lying.
TOM: It was visible out there. Too, too visible.
>
> How is it possible?
MIKE: Can this mixed-up world be as zany as I hope?
>
> Mathematics is a difficult discipline.
CROW: And a worse toothpaste.
>
> Or you can say, math is hard.
TOM: But with a crunchy peanut buttery center.
>
> Most people shy away from it because it IS so hard,
MIKE: Others avoid it because they're afraid a rogue
isosceles triangle will impale them.
> but a few people
> learned that while doing real mathematics was hard, LOOKING like you
> were doing real mathematics was easier.
TOM: Finally we learn why Sudoku has caught on!
>
> So they fake it.
MIKE: But they were caught when they identified the square root symbol
as ``a kind of fish''.
>
> Trouble is, the worst thing for people faking at being mathematicians
> is someone who actually is a mathematician.
TOM: The second-worst thing is being caught by a cop for
differentiating in public.
>
> So they beat up such people,
CROW: [ Snickering ]
MIKE: Yeah, my Freshman Calc TA could beat up ... well ...
TOM: The other Freshman Calc TA?
MIKE: Maybe.
> force them out of the discipline,
CROW: Turn their backs and go ``nyah nyah nyah I can't hear you''!
> and
> drown them out with crowd forces.
TOM: Challenge them to sword fights with their old slide rules!
>
> Their loophole was the reality that major mathematicians only come
> around once every couple of hundred years,
CROW: Everybody, look busy, Gauss is coming through!
> so they got away with it for
> a bit over a hundred years,
MIKE: Makes it sound like a pretty good deal, actually.
> and I was forced into my destiny.
TOM: I held aloft my magic sword, and said, ``By the power of
Greyskull'' and then ... well, nothing happened,
and I felt kind of silly.
>
> If it were up to me, I'd be doing so many other things than this.
CROW: Well, don't let us stop you.
MIKE: Hey, I've got some stuff to do if you need new projects.
>
> But it's not up to me,
TOM: It's up to my mom.
> I'm driven by some overwhelming force that makes
> me fight against these people pretending to be real mathematicians, and
> so, here we are.
MIKE: Don't you see, what I'm trying to say is, will you marry me?
>
> The encryption system that they said was so powerful--because they're
> not real mathematicians--is now, as I type this,
TOM: Pig Latin.
> broken. The world
> does not know this
CROW: Don't tell it. You'll just wreck its sleep.
> because the social forces are that strong, but
> eventually the truth will be known.
TOM: It will be whispered to David Duchovny, who won't understand it.
>
> These people are people some of you admire and trust,
CROW: Real people. Salt of the earth types.
> who have sat
> back, for years now, clearly I think,
MIKE: In groups of, three words or, so.
> believing that social forces
> could stop someone like me.
TOM: Stopping *you*, or stopping someone who's only *like* you?
>
> But mathematics is more than just a word.
CROW: It's a whole kooky groovy far-out scene, man.
>
> The proof for those of you who hoped, believed, or just wanted to deny
> the truth is in that new factoring method,
MIKE: Identify the factors of fifteen in under three hours!
> which if the people you
> thought were mathematicians actually were, then they'd be talking about
> it everywhere, warning the world,
CROW: GANGWAY!
MIKE: THE NEW FACTORING METHOD IS HERE!
TOM: RUN TO YOUR DESIGNATED PRIME NUMBERS!
> excited about it, and working on
> solutions to protect OUR WORLD.
TOM: Or at least maybe save Delaware.
>
> But instead, they are quiet, leaving the doors open, leaving the world
> vulnerable.
CROW: We *just* can't have nice things, can we?
> Leaving it possible for innocents to suffer or even die
> because they are not who they claim to be.
MIKE: Death by greatest common denominator!
>
> But I am.
TOM: You're leaving the world vulnerable?
>
> The choice is yours. I can't do it alone.
CROW: Funny how life changes, huh, guy fiddles around with
Fermat's Little Theorem, the hunter becomes the hunted,
well, what're you gonna do?
>
> These people will let civilization crumble. They will let terrorists
> and other criminals,
MIKE: And people who return library books late.
> or anyone who has the will and know-how to use the
> mathematics in an evil way,
TOM: Or who foolishly open up an evil parabola.
CROW: The cosecants of doom!
MIKE: The quadratic formula for MURDER!
> do it, without the world knowing because it
> trusts them because they are not who they claim to be.
CROW: It's not even our world! It's Mars, isn't that the weirdest thing?
>
> You may die if you do nothing, and isn't that fair?
TOM: We all have to die of something, you know, a heart attack,
a car accident, being shot by the snipers of the worldwide
mathematics conspiracy.
>
> Is life really not fair, or are most people cowards to the truth?
MIKE: Uhm ... I say 'not fair'.
TOM: I say 'coward'.
CROW: 'Coward', definitely.
TOM: Make mine 'not fair'.
MIKE: I want to change to 'coward' now.
CROW: Maybe it is just 'not fair'.
TOM: I'm gonna write in 'The Beatles'.
>
> A person like me comes around only every hundred years or so,
CROW: The mathematics of Brigadoon.
> and
> people forget.
>
> And then a LOT of people die,
MIKE: So World War I was started by the mathematicians?
> and then the mythologies are written,
CROW: About ... mathematicians.
> legends are born.
TOM: About ...
MIKE: Right.
CROW: Yeah, I remember this one mathematician who ... uhm ...
>
> But make no mistake, you might be one of those people who die THIS
> time.
MIKE: But *only* if you finish your chores.
>
> I suggest to you that even if you don't give a damn about mathematics,
CROW: Give a *darn*, thank you.
> couldn't care less about what is truth, why should you protect fakes
> who have betrayed you, yet again,
MIKE: Maybe you like the fakes. Some of them have great parties.
CROW: I love those parties. You know, ``Isn't everyone here so really?''
> and in their inability to understand
> and their lack of intelligence, they leave the world vulnerable,
MIKE: The world is just feeling very fragile right this minute.
> because this time, to stop this post, all they had to do was step
> up--and protect the world?
CROW: Step right up! Protect three worlds for a nickel!
>
> TODAY they could have stepped up to protect the world.
MIKE: Tomorrow, they could step up to protect Neptune.
>
> Die for them?
CROW: Who?
>
> Why?
TOM: Good question.
>
> And even if you won't die, why let anyone else?
CROW: Strap a mathematician into a protective baby seat!
>
> Their quiet is your answer if you had questions.
MIKE: So it's a good thing you asked them what quiet sounded like.
>
> Yes, they lied. They betrayed the world. And they lost.
TOM: But they've got a pocket full of quarters and can play all day.
>
> Question now is, who loses with them?
MIKE: I'm guessing the Cubs.
>
> James Harris
MIKE: Or yeah, he'll do too.
[ ALL exit. ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. TOM SERVO, MIKE, and CROW are filling out
a form. ]
MIKE: All right, so, who was running the world according to that?
TOM: Uh ... I don't know ... mathematicians were running mathematics?
MIKE: [ Writing ] And what was their objective?
CROW: We don't have any idea.
MIKE: [ Still writing ] Don't ... have ... idea. Method of ruling
the world?
CROW: Something to do with prime numbers.
MIKE: Prime ... numbers. Likelihood of success?
TOM: We have no idea what that was all about.
MIKE: ... Was ... all ... about. Okay, Pearl, good luck with your
world conquest through prime numbers.
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PROFESSOR BOBO and OBSERVER are working as above;
PEARL is in front, by the camera. After a pause OBSERVER does
that brain-wave thing, and MIKE's report pops into her hand. ]
PEARL: Excellent! And when we take over this ... cabal ... we'll be able
to ... uh ... factorize numbers like ... twenty-eight thousand,
eight hundred fifty eight in --
BOBO: [ Without looking up ] Two times forty-seven times three
hundred seven.
PEARL: [ Slighty thrown ] Or ... one million, five hundred thirty-one
thousand, one hundred twelve ...
BOBO: Two to the third power times eleven times one hundred
twenty-seven times one hundred thirty-seven.
PEARL: [ Challenging ] 89 thousand, one hundred seventy-five.
BOBO: [ Finally looking at her ] Three times five squared times
twenty-nine times forty-one.
PEARL: [ Testy ] Nine million ... three hundred eighty six thousand ...
seven hundred thirty-one.
BOBO: Is alredy prime.
[ PEARL stares at BOBO. OBSERVER slips his pile of papers onto BOBO's
table while she fumes, and then slips away. After letting her
temper build, PEARL grabs all the papers on BOBO's table and
throws them in the air, creating a flurry of sheets of paper. ]
PEARL: [ Turning to the camera; oddly pleasant ] Thanks for the help.
We'll be in touch over the holiday season.
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----O----
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters and situations
therein are the property of Best Brains, Inc, so kindly nobody tell them
about this and we'll all be better off. The essay ``So They Lied'' is
the property of James S Harris as posted to sci.math. This MiSTing as
a whole is the property of Joseph Nebus, who doesn't intend anything
mean-spirited or hostile to James Harris, Brad Guth, Best Brains, or the
concept of Mystery Science Theater 3000. If they just won the alien
soccer tournament, they're going to be too tired to fly all the way
to Earth just for dessert toppings. Please come back, Dr Mike Neylon!
> Now I have found a new factoring method.
>
> Literally trillions of dollars WILL move as a result, but for now, you
> can see the quiet as these people keep lying.
Liadan
>> or anyone who has the will and know-how to use the
>> mathematics in an evil way,
>
> TOM: Or who foolishly open up an evil parabola.
> CROW: The cosecants of doom!
> MIKE: The quadratic formula for MURDER!
You obviously never had *my* high school math teachers.
(And, what, not a single Tom Lehrer - Lobachevsky joke? ;) )
Liadan
--
* woods keep you, stars hold you, waters bear you *
*** mstie #31731 ** hogmenaye! ** enchanted be! ***
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous
opinions than anything else in the world.
Joseph Nebus
>Joseph Nebus wrote:
>>> or anyone who has the will and know-how to use the
>>> mathematics in an evil way,
>>
>> TOM: Or who foolishly open up an evil parabola.
>> CROW: The cosecants of doom!
>> MIKE: The quadratic formula for MURDER!
>You obviously never had *my* high school math teachers.
Oh, no, I had my own little set, and so far two of them have
escaped to retirement. I'm trying to think what happened to the other.
>(And, what, not a single Tom Lehrer - Lobachevsky joke? ;) )
I would like to say that I was trying to defy expectations and
let the audience guess wrong about where my next joke was going to be,
but the truth is, I just forgot. I was trying to do this in a looser,
quicker, less overthought fashion.
I have thanks to give to other people for their appreciation
of this MiSTing, but, naturally, my usenet server threw a fit yesterday
and threw away pretty much all the posts that were on all the groups
that I read. So that's lost, other than what I find through Google
groups, and I really don't savor searching through that. Thank you,
though, for the response.
--
JOseph Nebus
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