[MiSTied] Debug Your Brain [2/3]

[Natalie Welch]

>Path: freenet.columbus.oh.us!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-
>state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!

MIKE: [As Mike Meyers as Wayne.] Swrinde!
CROW: [Garth.] Party on, Wayne!

> sgiblab!rahul.net!a2i!news.ucdavis.edu!librar
>y.ucla.edu!psgrain!miwok!news.scruz.net!not-for-mail
>From: ksm...@telesource.com(Kevin Smith)

CROW: Oh, is the great *Kevin Smith* going to serve us some spam today?
TOM: Sorry, Crow, but I beat you to it in the last post.

>Newsgroups:
>ab.

CROW: Anaconda! Anaconda!
TOM: Geez, what the heck triggered him?

> jobs,atl.

CROW: Anaconda! Anaconda!
TOM: He's reacting to any and all A words!!

> jobs,aus.

CROW: Anaconda!
TOM: Mike, do something!
MIKE: Crow, stop that!
CROW: Or?
MIKE: Or it's more duct tape!

> ads.jobs,aus.

CROW: [Silence.]
TOM: Thank you, Crow.

> jobs,bc.jobs,biz.jobs.offered,bs.offered,cm

TOM: I don't think this was what was meant by Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.

>h.jobs,comp.jobs,de.markt.jobs,dc.jobs,dk.jobs,fl.jobs,fl.job,git.

CROW: Git yer jobs right heeaah!
TOM: Mike, is my Monty Python kit still there?
MIKE: Yeah, why?
TOM: Bring it out and I'll show you.

> ohr.jobs,hs
>v.jobs,ie.jobs,il.jobs.misc,il.jobs.offered,in.jobs,kw.jobs,

TOM: There, Mike. The hats and the songbooks. [As Lawrence Welk.] A
one ana two!
All: [Wearing Viking hats, to tune of MP Viking Spam chant]
Spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam, spam,
Sp-sp-sp-spam!

> la.jobs,li.jobs,l
>ou.lft.jobs,mi.jobs,mi.jobs,

CROW: Ooh, I have better lyrics: Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs...

> milw.jobs,misc.jobs.offered,misc.jobs.offered.ent
>ry,misc.jobs.offerred,

All: Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs...

> nb.jobs,ne.jobs,nm.jobs,nv.jobs,nyc.jobs.offered,

All: Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs...

> ont.jo
>bs,osu.jobs,ott.jobs,pdaxs.jobs.management,

All: J-j-j-jobs!

> pdaxs.jobs.misc,pdaxs.jobs.sales,p
>gh.jobs.offered,phl.jobs.offered,prg.jobs,

CROW: Hey, we're in the home stretch! We just passed the p's!
MIKE: Crow...

> qc.jobs,relcom.commerce.jobs,sdnet.
>jobs,seattle.jobs.offered,stl.jobs,su.jobs,stl.jobs,swnet.jobs,tamu.jobs,tor.
>jobs,

CROW: Tor.jobs: Jobs for people named Tor!
TOM: [Operator] I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson. Ed Wood has not come back from
the dead yet. May I take a message?

> triangle.jobs,tx.jobs,ucb.jobs,

TOM: We're in the U's! We're almost there!

> uk.jobs,uiuc.jo,ucd.jobs,umn.general.jobs
>,umn.itlab.jobs,us.jobs.offered,ut.jobs,za.ads.jobs

CROW: Anaconda! Anaconda!
TOM: CROW! You ruined our triumphant survival of the newsgroup line!
MIKE: For that, you get the duct tape again!
CROW: No! Not the duct tape! Mmmmph! [Sounds of duct tape being pulled
off the roll.]

>Subject: Freedom + Good Money
>Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 16:59:39 GMT
>Organization: scruz-net
>Lines: 55

MIKE: You mean this post is going at 55 lines PER HOUR?!? Aaaaaah!

>Message-ID: <950602095939.6811AAC7K.

TOM: This post: Aaaack! Aaaack!

> kevin@ksmith
>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 165.227.102.15
>Mime-Version: 1.0 (Generated by Eloquent)
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>X-Newsreader: Eloquent[2.01]; Eloquent is a Trademark of Take 3

TOM: You mean we have to pay Take 3 every time we say "eloquent"?
MIKE: Like these posts are worthy of that word.
TOM: Only in sarcasm.

>Xref: freenet.columbus.oh.us cmh.jobs:439

TOM: Noooo! Not again!

> misc.jobs.offered:61670
>misc.jobs.offered.entry:3240 osu.jobs:192

TOM: Whew!

>
>++++++++++YOUR INCOME AND YOUR INDEPENDENCE CAN BE UMLIMITED++++++++++

TOM: Your income and your independence can be um, limited?
MIKE: Was that a Freudian slip or what?

>
>Looking to take control of your career?

MIKE and TOM: Yeah!

> Would you like to call the shots

TOM: Fire one! Fire two!

>without taking the risks of starting your own business? We may have what you
>are looking for.

MIKE: A way down?
TOM: A Crow-free experiment?

>
>Earn residual income providing companies all over the world with discounted
>Long Distance services.

MIKE: Become an annoying telemarketer!

> Work from home; set your own hours, territory, and
>work style.

TOM: How can you set your own territory if you work from home?

> Commission only: paid monthly on the usage of every customer for
>as long as the customer is making phone, fax, modem and calling card calls
>using our services.

TOM: No wonder they're so annoying; they're trying to support themselves
on just commission.

> Help your clients hook into US Internet Providers at a
>lower per-minute rate. Typical first year income is $50k,

MIKE: Is five dollars okay?

> with each
>subsequent year growing exponentially by the compounding of your residual
>base.
>
>Here is a sample of the rates we are talking about. With the exception of
>the UK, rates FROM the U.S. are $0.10 less:

TOM: Um, if they list the rates here, they may not need the
telemarketers, right?

>
>Brazil to USA: US$0.85 per minute
>Canada to USA: US$0.32
>Europe to USA: US$0.55
>Israel to USA: US$0.98

TOM: Ninety-eight tears...
MIKE: That's ninety-six, TOM.
TOM: Oooops.

>Japan to USA: US$0.55
>Scandinavia to USA: US$0.55
>Switzerland to USA: US$0.55
>Taiwan to USA: US$0.71
>UK to USA: US$0.32*
>Vietnam to USA: US$2.16

TOM: Noone will be seated during the gripping rate list!

>
>Europe from/to Japan: US$0.66
>Canada from/to Europe: US$0.43
>Netherlands from/to Singapore: US$0.86
>Scandinavia from/to Europe: US$1.10

MIKE: You know, Tom, they still haven't told us the combination of
services these quoted rates are valid for.
TOM: Not to mention any other restrictions.

>Within Scandinavia: US$1.10
>Within British Isles: US$1.00
>Within Western Europe: US$1.10

TOM: Zzzzzzzz...
MIKE: Tom, wake up!
TOM: Huh? Is the post over?
MIKE: No, just the rates.

>
>*TG Promo
>
>Take some time to compare these numbers with what businesses pay now. You
>will
>find a 20 to 65% savings.

MIKE: For what? You never told us what the rates were for!

> All calls are billed in 6-second increments with
>no surcharges.
>
>Telecom or sales experience is helpful, but not required. Self-determination

TOM: I'm determined to survive this post!

>and inner motivation to succeed are essential. Only serious applicants will
>be considered.

MIKE: Clowns need not apply.

> When you respond, please indicate which countries you are
>interested in developing.

TOM: Hello, I'd like to develop the UK.
MIKE: [Operator] I'm sorry, it's already considered a developed country.
How about Vietnam?

> Interested parties reply to:
>
>
>TeleSource, U.S.A.
>International Sales and Marketing
>sa...@telesource.com

TOM: Rassafrassing commercial spam!

>
>TeleSource is an equal opportunity employer.

MIKE: Because money is colorblind.
TOM: Let's go, Mike.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]

[SoL]

[We see Mike and Crow. Crow is wrapped up from head to base in duct tape;
only his eyes are showing.]

MIKE: Excuse us while I go and free Crow.

[They go off camera. Gypsy and Tom enter.]

TOM: Y'know, Gypsy, I still cannot and will not trust Crow! Nosirree Bob!
GYPSY: Whatever happened to forgiving seven times seventy?
TOM: He's gone way beyond 490, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Huh?
TOM: Do the math.

[Mike and Crow reenter.]

MIKE: Now remember, Crow, don't say that word again unless it's in
reference to the snake, okay?
CROW: All right, Mike. [Pause. Then, with a hint to mischeviousness.]
Excuse me while I ... freshen up. [Exit.]

TOM: Mike, as I was telling Gypsy here, I STILL DON'T TRUST CROW!!!
MIKE: Calm down, TOM. I'm sure Crow has learned a valuable lesson today.

[Suddenly, a very fakey rubber snake is tossed onto the desk.]

TOM: [Dripping with sarcasm.] Oooh, very scary snake, Crow!
CROW: [Enters, trying too hard to walk nonchalantly past the desk.] Dum
de dum dum... Oh, hi, guys. [Looks at rubber snake.] Say, is that
an ... ANACONDA?
TOM: CROW!
MIKE: Now, Crow, what did I tell you?

[Post sign flashes.]

All: Aaaah! We got post sign!
TOM: I'll get you for that, Crow!

[7...6...5...4...3...2...1]

Continued in part 3

Disclaimer at end of part 3