MiSTed - Out of the Woods (6/7)
Bill Livingston
CROW: So, did Gypsy get you past your Kathy Ireland thing?
MIKE: Kathy *who*?
>
>[Mercy Hospital, Room 513]
SERVO: Starring Karen Valentine
> Scully opened the door slowly and stepped inside. The
>blinds were half closed, filling the darkened room with
>zebra stripes of light.
SERVO: They're tying for a film noir look.
MIKE: With no film?
SERVO: Well, maybe it's net noir.
> The bed was made and empty, as
>were the trays and tables. Scully squinted at the
>alternating light and darkness hitting her eyes as she
>approached the bed, reaching out to touch the metal side
>rail for guidance.
CROW: She's night blind!
MIKE: It's half past one in the afternoon.
CROW: Well, maybe she's just, uh, blinds-blind?
> The metal felt cool to the touch until a
>tingle began creeping it's way from Scully's fingers to the
>back of her neck.
MIKE: Don't touch the third rail! Z-z-z-ttt!
> Blinking hard, Scully looked down at the
>railing, seeing her own distorted reflection in the polished
>metal.
CROW: [as Scully] What was I thinking? Ruby lipstick and peach
blush? Dumb, dumb, *dumb*!!!
> She began to feel disoriented, the light from the
>blinds beginning to flash before her eyes.
SERVO: Boring! Most people's life flashes before their eyes, but
she can't even get past the room she's in.
> Like my dream...
>she thought, as she again felt as if her soul was trying to
>leave her body.
CROW: [as stewardess] Please remain seated until the body has
come to complete stop, and return the internal organs to a
locked and upright position.
> Her eyes drifted shut and Dana sank to the
>floor. Unseen to Scully,
SERVO: Because her eyes had drifted shut.
> her reflection remained within the
>rail, writhing in silent turmoil.
MIKE: We're finally getting to the really weird stuff.
CROW: Yeah, and we're only, what, 90% through this thing?
> In the darkness, a
>familiar figure began crawling his way over the abandoned
>hospital bed, gurgling with glee.
MIKE: Frank Sinatra Jr?
SERVO: Judge Ito?
CROW: Torgo?
MIKE: [as Torgo] I tAkE cArE oF sCuLlY wHiLe BoB iS aWay!
>
>[1:53 PM]
> Mulder closed the file he was reading and ran a hand
>over his bottom lip.
SERVO: My God, it's swollen and enormous!
> His growing uneasiness was impossible
>to ignore. Quickly making a decision, he pushed his chair
>back and stood.
CROW: Well, I've made my decision for the day, I'm goin' home now!
> "I'm going to go find Dana," he said, and
>left the room without waiting for the others to reply.
MIKE: But I've got...
CROW: You can't just...
SERVO: No one expects...
>
>[2:08 PM]
> Scully closed the door behind her and stopped to take a
>deep breath.
CROW: [as Scully] Okay, in, and out, they're still ten minutes apart!
> She decided that all that caffeine and sugar
>early in the morning was making her feel so lightheaded.
MIKE: Bob's replaced Scully's soul with these Folger's crystals.
Let's see if she notices.
>She turned and made her way down the hallway. Her eyes
>blurred and then refocused, and what she saw made her gasp.
SERVO: It's Tiny Elvis!
> There at the end of the hall approached the man she had
>seen in her dreams.
MIKE: Billy Ray Cyrus?
> Stringy hair, snarling mouth,
SERVO: Bobcat Goldthwait?
> tattered
>jean jacket-
CROW: Bruce Springsteen?
> it was Bob.
ALL: Oh, *Bob*!
She glanced around sharply; the
>people in the hallway seemed unaware of his presence.
SERVO: [as Scully] Security? Yoo-hoo, security? Oh, where are those
over-weaponed soldiers when you need them?
> Not
>wanting to draw her weapon in the hospital hallway, Scully
>moved to intercept him.
MIKE: [as Keith Jackson] And Scully breaks through the line,
rolls around the right end, and rushes to intercept Bob! Oh, I
tell ya, on a given Saturday, Who-o-o-oah Nellie!
> As she quickened her pace so did
>Bob, until a doctor walked in front of her view. She shoved
>him roughly out of her way
CROW: Oh, sorry, thought this was "Chicago Hope"
> only to see Mulder at the end of
>the hall, just getting off of the elevator.
SERVO: [falsetto] Fifth floor. Dead doctors, FBI agents, Bob, and
housewares.
> "Where did he go?" she asked urgently.
> "Where did who go?" Mulder asked,
CROW: He!
SERVO: He Who?
> taking a hold of
>Scully's elbows as she craned her neck to look beyond him.
CROW: Great Inspector Gadget impression.
>He steered her towards the waiting area. "Dana, slow down.
>Who did you see?"
MIKE: [like "Romper Room"] I saw Tommy, and Susie, Skinner,
and Deep Throat, and Mr. X, and...
> Dana pushed Mulder away and put her hands quickly
>through her hair. "Mulder, I thought I saw..." she swallowed and
drank in the waves of concern coming from Mulder's presence.
SERVO: [makes slurping noise]
>"Mulder, I saw Bob."
CROW: He said to say "Hi".
> "What? Here?" Mulder spun around, but saw no one
>unusual.
MIKE: Now *that*, if only they knew it, is the oddest thing yet.
CROW: Yeah, he *always* sees something unusual!
> "You aren't kidding me, are you?" he asked,
>looking at her closely and knowing the answer.
SERVO: 42
CROW: In base 13, that's...
SERVO: Don't, okay? Just - don't!
> Scully wrapped her arms around herself and looked
>uneasy.
CROW: I know I promised not to do anymore anatomy jokes.
MIKE: And you're doing well so far.
CROW: But it's getting more *difficult* to refrain!
> "Mulder, I saw him coming towards me down the
>hallway and you say you feel he's near. What does it all
>mean?"
SERVO: It means *refund*!
MIKE: Really?
SERVO: [as in Tostito's commercial] No, not really!
> Mulder moved near and placed a hand on her shoulder.
CROW: [starts shivering] See?
>"Let's ask Cooper."
MIKE: And remember, kids, if you have a question about Bob, or
any of David Lynch's other oddities, write to us here at
"Let's Ask Cooper", care of your local station.
>
>[2:30 PM]
> "Is there anything else you can tell me?" Cooper
>asked,
CROW: The capital of South Dakota is Pierre. Does that help?
> now dressed in a suit and tie, courtesy of Mulder.
>Cooper and Scully were seated facing each other, knee to
>knee, the harsh afternoon light giving everything in the
>room a luminescent glow.
SERVO: Sounds like they're in Chez Leon
> Scully considered briefly; she had told Cooper
>everything- everything except for the deja vu she experienced
in Drew's room, which she was rather embarrassed to disclose.
MIKE: Yeah, well, that and how she had a crush on Marvin Finkelmeyer
in the fourth grade.
> Cooper continued, leaning forward with sparkling eyes,
CROW: And coming soon, Sparkling Eyes Light!
>"Dana, I had a dream
SERVO: I had an awesome dream!
> last night as well. I didn't see Bob;
>I spoke with a little man from another place.
MIKE: Michael J. Fox?
> He told me
>that Bob wanted to find me. The vision you had confirms
>that Bob is looking for me. He's somewhere in this
>hospital."
SERVO: Great! We got one FBI agent who thinks "Have a Nice Day"
is a valid defense, one who faints at the sight of hospital beds, and
one who relies on the "Rapid Eye Movement" investigative philosophy!
CROW: Good thing they've already nabbed Gotti!
> "Then we should prepare for him, if we can." Scully
>replied,
CROW: [as Scully] Cooper, you pick up the den. Mulder, go
sweep off the patio. I'll start making a chocolate pie.
> glancing over at Mulder to gauge his reaction to
>the situation.
> Mulder stood leaning against the wall, his arms crossed
>in visible annoyance.
MIKE: Oh, I *always* have to sweep!!
> He had sensed that something was
>bothering Scully that morning and she knew that he was upset
>that she hadn't confided in him immediately.
SERVO: [announcer] Meanwhile, back in Port Charles...
> She herself
>didn't know why she had held back that morning and glared
>back at him.
> Cooper smacked his knee with his hand.
CROW: YEOW!! I gotta stop doing that!
> "Agreed.
>Mulder, could you go get Albert? I believe he's downstairs
>working on Dr. Drew's lab results."
> "Sure," Mulder replied coolly ,
SERVO: [Morosely, in British accent] Here I sit, brain the size of a
planet, and all I do is menial tasks: "Mulder, go get Albert"; "Mulder
please retrieve the evidence"; "Mulder pull me out the water where
this huge fluke-man is". I'm not getting you down, am I?
> obviously glad for an
>excuse to leave the two of them for a while. The look he
>gave her before leaving was one of hurt, disbelief, and
>anger; it frightened her.
CROW: I think he's taking this just a li-i-ittle too hard.
MIKE: Maybe his psyche is over-sensitive.
> Cooper, slightly puzzled at Mulder's tone, watched
>Mulder leave. Glancing over at Scully, he touched her hand
>supportively.
SERVO: It's called a clue, Cooper: look into it.
> "It won't be long now.
CROW: Yeah, but just wait...
MIKE: Please!
> Bob is near, but
>we'll be ready for him." he said.
> Dana looked at Cooper and smiled strangely.
CROW: [as Scully] You're not wearing any underwear, are you?
>
> Mulder walked quickly down the hallway, quietly
>smoldering over the jumble of emotions this case was
>generating within him.
CROW: Mussa Frassin' SCULLY, frassin wassin frassin COOPER,
frissa wissin frussin' BOB!!!
> Cooper, Dana, people he cared
>about... He stared idly ahead of him, making his mind
>blank, thinking only of
CROW: "Murphy Brown"?
MIKE: A thick, juicy steak?
SERVO: A sort of idealized version of the compleat Renaissance man?
MIKE: Are you sure it isn't a Flemish merchant?
SERVO: No, it is *not* a Flemish merchant!
> reaching the elevator to go find
>Rosenfield... Mulder stopped in his tracks, his jaw
>clenching. The elevator!
MIKE: My God, that thing goes up and down!
> The doors to the elevator were closing directly in
>front of him but he made no effort to stop them.
SERVO: That's a good way to lose a tie!
> Mulder
>was busy looking into his own reflection in the polished
>metal doors as his mind raced to understand the significance
>of this discovery.
CROW: Once, again, Mulder's razor-sharp mind saves the day as
he invents - the mirror!
> There were elevators like this one on every floor at
>the end of every hallway;
MIKE: Well, that's kind of the idea.
> Scully had been looking at her
>own reflection when she had the vision of Bob in the hallway
>upstairs.
SERVO: Must have been a serious case of morning hair!
> Cooper, upon waking from his ordeal in
>Glastonbury Grove, had gone into his bathroom and smashed
>the mirror within, revealing his possession by Bob...
CROW: Of course! Mirrors are the key! We should have known all
along! Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
SERVO: He's starting to lose it.
MIKE: Yeah, and we may be right behind him!
>Turning on his heel, Mulder sprinted back down the hallway,
SERVO: [as Underdog] When Scully's in trouble I am not slow,
so it's up, up, up, and away I go!!
>praying that his leap in logic would be just that.
MIKE: A leap, or logical?
CROW: YES! YAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!! [he flees off to the side]
MIKE: Crow?
>
> Mulder burst into Cooper's room to see Scully, with her
>back to him, hunched over Cooper's prone body lying
>motionless on the floor.
SERVO: He's dead, Jim!
> He said forcefully, "Dana!"
> While it was Scully's body crouched on the floor, the
>head that turned at Mulder's voice was that of Killer Bob.
CROW: [runs back in] I've got it! Bob's in the mirror, Dupre's leaping,
and Scully is Cooper, Trent, and Albert all at once!!!
YAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!! [runs back out the other side]
MIKE: Definitely out there.
SERVO: Yep, bot on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
>Mulder gasped and braced himself for the attack as he was
>slammed against the far wall with a viciousness that took
>his breath away.
SERVO: Now, see, this is the kind of WHOOF!!! [Crow runs back in
and slams into him, knocking them to the floor]
MIKE: Hey, c'mon, you two, I'm trying to read this post here.
[sounds of a struggle ensue]
> He put his fists together and double-
>clubbed the body wrapped around his waist.
MIKE: You bid two clubs? I go three no-trump.
SERVO: [below] Uh, excuse me, Mr Nelson, but THIS GUY IS
KILLING ME HERE!!
> Mercifully
>released, Mulder struggled not to double over but face his
>adversary, gasping for breath.
MIKE: I guess he's been reading this, too.
SERVO: HELP ME!!! CROW'S BEEN TAKEN OVER BY BOB!!
MIKE: Crow. [reaches down and grabs Crow's headpiece] Crow,
are you possessed by Bob?
CROW: Huh? Nah, just havin' a little fun!
MIKE: Well, get back in your seat!
CROW: Sure! [goes back]
MIKE: You OK, Tom?
SERVO: Uuh! [Tom rises] I think my arms are broken!
CROW: Yeah but who'll ever know?
SERVO: Cretin!
CROW: Jerkwad!
> His eyes blurred and,
>suddenly, he was in a room with red curtains and a
>zigzagging floor.
SERVO: He's been transported to Graceland!
MIKE: Thankyaverramuch!
> Bob was there also, gnarled and seething a
>few meters from Mulder, his mouth twisted into a sinister smile.
MIKE: It's a Close-Up smile
> "Where's Dana?!" Mulder demanded, instantly accepting
>his situation as real.
CROW: Y'know, for someone who can't deal with the fact that his friend
*might* have a secret, he's alarmingly good at accepting these
off-the-wall scenarios.
SERVO: Reality is for people who can't handle "The X-Files".
> Bob's face rippled with pure menace. "Where's Dana?"
>he mimicked, wagging his head back and forth. "Where's
>Dana?"
> Suddenly, Dana was there,
MIKE: Oh, never mind, here she is!
> in front of Mulder, and Bob
>was gone. Her red hair looked like dancing flames as the
>lights began to flicker, her pale complexion white in the
>harsh glare.
SERVO: She's turned into Anne Wilson
CROW: Sans about 50 pounds.
> Mulder squinted in confusion. "Dana?" he
>asked, wanting to touch her but not daring to.
CROW: She's may have *cooties*!
> Like a broken tape recorder,
SERVO: She was missing 18 & a half minutes
> Dana replied jerkily,
>"Foxxx. It's- me."
SERVO: The Playboy network just bought out Rupert Murdoch.
CROW: Tonight on Foxxx - 1-900-90210!
> Her hand crept towards Mulder's face.
CROW: They're doing it again!
>At her words Mulder slapped it away in alarm and the replica
>froze. Eyes glazed white, the doppleganger opened her mouth
>to emit a long animal screech.
SERVO: Ladies and Gentlemen, Courtney Love!
> Watching in horror, Mulder
>saw this image of Dana split in two, becoming an image of
>Scully superimposed upon that of Killer Bob.
CROW: Been there, done that
SERVO: Simple blue-screening
MIKE: Yeah, sorta like when that woman switched bodies with
Captain Kirk in "Turnabout Intruder"
CROW & SERVO: Fa-a-an Boy! Fa-a-an Boy!
> The ethereal
>vision of Dana twisted as if struggling,
MIKE: [singing] Well, let's twist again, like we did last summer...
> then crumpled to
>the floor at Bob's feet and began to dissolve away.
CROW: [as witch] I'm melting! Melting! What a world, what a world!
> "Dana!" Mulder cried, reaching down towards the fading
>image.
SERVO: Do not attempt to adjust your Scully!
> Bob, having lost Dana's image, and now standing in
>front of Mulder, stopped Mulder's downward movement by
>plunging a knife into his midsection.
SERVO: Oo-oo-ooh!
MIKE: A simple "Halt" would have sufficed
CROW: Next time, when I say, "Save me a chocolate dount", I
mean "SAVE ME A CHOCOLATE DONUT!!!"
> Stunned, Mulder
>could only open his mouth in surprise and watch as Bob
>gurgled with pleasure,
SERVO: Call the plumber, Bob's stopped up again!
> his confusion growing as Bob switched
>his image from his own to Dana's with each flicker of the
>lights.
CROW: Hey, he's making like one of those 3-D picture thingies!
MIKE: Ugh! I *hate* those things! I never see anything but little
blurry squiggles.
CROW: It's one of them government-type conspiracies.
MIKE: The truth is out there - you just can't see it
> Mulder felt hot pain overtake his senses and
>thought desperately, Dana....
SERVO: [as Mulder] Where's she hidden the aspirin?
> "Bob," a voice intoned from across the room, and the
>lights stopped flashing.
CROW: Party's over, kids. Don't forget to pick up your trash.
> Bob withdrew the knife from Mulder
>and growled low in his throat at the interruption.
SERVO: [as Bob] Crud! This happens every time I'm in the middle of
a slashing.
> Mulder
>groggily looked up from the spreading red stain on his
>shirtfront
CROW: Ah, man, and this was my lucky shirt, too!
> to see Dale Cooper step through the far wall of
>red curtains and face Killer Bob.
MIKE: Tonight, on GE Theater, "Showdown at Interior
Decorator Gulch"
> "Run," Cooper ordered
>Mulder. Mulder ran without looking back.
CROW: That's the first smart thing he's done since this post began
>
> Cooper watched Mulder stumble through the curtains and
>his shadow make it's way through the corridors beyond.
CROW: It is way?
MIKE: Careful about being too picky.
CROW: You're supposed to be grammar-boy, Mike. I'm just picking up
your slack.
MIKE: Yeah, but remember what the FAQ said about going overboard!
CROW: [mockingly] "Remember what the FAQ said"! Geez, Nelson,
FAQ rules are made to be broken!
MIKE: Yeah, but if we do it too many times, they'll punish us by exile to
the SOASC.
CROW: SOASC?
MIKE: Satellite of Alt.StarTrek.Creative. Do you want us floating around
in all the Trek Drek?
CROW: [Pauses] On the other hand, why be picayune?
>He knew that Mulder's first priority would be to find Dana
>Scully, even if it meant losing his own life in the effort.
>What Mulder didn't know was that by finding Dana, he would
SERVO: [announcer] Win a chance to take home cash and prizes
totaling over $75,000!!
>probably save them all.
> "You-should-not be-here." Bob was keeping his distance
>and Cooper felt a smile creep to his lips, but said nothing.
MIKE: If I felt something creeping to my lips, I'd *definitely* say
something
> "Doppleganger," Bob said. "DOPPLEGANGER," he repeated
SERVO: That was a song by Falco, wasn’t it?
MIKE: No, it was that weird word Volkswagen was using in its ads
a few years ago.
CROW: Nuh-uh, it was that Tim Conway/Don Knotts movie, "The Apple
Doppleganger"
>to Cooper as a challenge, a call, a question.
MIKE: A deer, a female deer.
> Dale knew now
>that there would be no more tricks, no more Death;
SERVO: No more lonely nights
>this time, he was not alone.
MIKE: The entire cast had gathered with him for one final musical
number.
> "Perhaps," Cooper answered, taking a careful step
>forward. His heels clicked on the slick linoleum surface
SERVO: [dreamily] There's no place like home! No place like home!
>as he approached Bob, his smile widening into a grin. "But
>watch out for my cousin."
ALL: HUH?!?
>
> Mulder's rapid footsteps echoed on the smooth floor as
>he parted red curtains to reveal yet another identical red
>room.
SERVO: [as Robin Leech] Bob's palatial estate is done all in red
at a cost of billions and billions of doll-a-a-a-hs!
> Identical, except for a still figure sprawled across
>the center of the floor.
MIKE: Gary Busey, no!
> Mulder slid on his knees to Scully's side
CROW: Yer out!
SERVO: Out?!? Are you blind?!? I'm going on strike!!
> and held her
>up gently, cradling her in his arms.
CROW: She shrank in the wash!
> "Dana," he rasped,
>pushing aside the hair from her face, "Dana, can you hear
>me?"
SERVO: [as Scully] Not with this hair in my ear, idiot!
> Scully grimaced, then her eyes focused on the red stain
>on Mulder's chest and her eyes opened wide.
MIKE: Oh no, the Caubernet '75!
> "Mulder... "
>she gulped and began to sob. Mulder felt nothing at that
>instant but an overwhelming feeling of
MIKE: Nausea?
CROW: Apathy?
SERVO: Schadenfreude?
> joy that made him
>want to weep. He squeezed his eyes tightly closed and
>placed his lips gently against her hair.
CROW: [starts to shake again] They just won't stop!
MIKE: Easy, guy, we're almost done here!
> I found her. I
>found her. he thought over and over again. The room spun,
SERVO: Please hang on to the bar!
>and Mulder and Scully were back in the hospital room, Dana
>crying silently into Mulder's lap, her arms wrapped tightly
>around his waist.
MIKE: Oh, it's all right, I'm sure you won't get typecast.
CROW: Yeah, that *never* happens to actors in Science Fiction shows.
> Mulder sat, unmoving, as he stared vacantly into the
>empty space on the floor where Dale Cooper's body should
>have been.
CROW: Let's see, he was here a minute ago - oh I *hate* when
this happens!
>
> Cooper was advancing on Bob when the lights within the
>Red Room suddenly dimmed.
SERVO: [announcer] Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the
Red Room, the incomparable *Tom Jones*!!
ALL: [cheers & applause}
> Bob began to cower and cover his
>ears with his hands as shafts of light broke through the
>darkness, streaming down from up above.
CROW: You didn't tell me I was opening for Jones, man! I'm outta here!
> Cooper knew at that
>moment that Mulder and Scully were safe, that they were
>together. He also knew exactly what he had to do next.
CROW: Upgrade to a Pentium.
SERVO: You mean a 585.9990471
CROW: At least I can find software, Mac-boy!
SERVO: At least I can operate mine without...
MIKE: Oh, just get Warped, both of you!
> Cooper stepped closer to Bob and a wall of fire sprang
>up to block his path.
SERVO: Oh, sorry, that was me.
> As Cooper prepared himself to plunge
>into the flames, he could have sworn he could hear a sound
>in the distance-
MIKE: The sound of - the Backdraft.
> the sound of... angels.
SERVO: In the outfield.
-----------------------
Bill L.
Wow Bob Wow
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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