[MiSTing] Part 5b: "Aquamarines and Diamonds" and "Battle Royal"

[Carp]

>
>
>
> In a well appointed house on the outskirts of Tyoko a figure rose
> form his bed to stare out a window.

TOM: (Martin Sheen) Nebraska. I can't believe I'm still in Nebraska.

> "Their finally here." Nick mused to himself. Nick was of average
> build and height. His eyes held a intensity that looked like they
> could command your soul.

MIKE: Hold on, hold on. Stop everything. Our villian's name is
NICK?!

> "I've been waiting a long time for them to arrive."

CROW: I will destroy them, for I am Nick of the Average Height and
Build!

> The next morning at Ray's Temple the scouts plus Darien and the
> Warlords were holding a meeting.
> "Typhus has been our guardian for a thousand years. I don't care if
> you don't like him Ray, he's staying."

CROW: "...in the room over your garage."
TOM: Oh, I get it, it's a sitcom! Ray's the uptight landlord and
Typhus is the wacky neighbor.

> "A floating flaming skull is your guardian? Whose idea was that?
> They obviously must have been insane.
> "My father made him our guardian. You want to argue with Lord
> Hades?"

MIKE: Who the hell is Lord Hades?!

> Jason and Ray had been fighting for the whole meeting over Typhus.
> Bryce and Jan were getting sick of it all.
> "Look Ray, what have you got against him?" Jan asked when the two
> combatants stopped to take a breath.
> "He's a flying skull that's on fire!"

CROW: (Ray) And he keeps saying 'I live' over and over again!
MIKE: (brooding) I don't care, I still ain't lookin'.

> "So? You guys have two cats with crescent moon marks who can talk.
> Not to mention a guy who makes a floral arraignment deadly."
> "Hey! What's wrong with my roses?"

TOM: "My roses are bee-oootiful!"

> "Nothing. Unless the fact that their slow, puny, and don't do
> enough damage."
> "ENOUGH!!!" Bryce had finally lost it. "You scouts do what you want.
> We'll do what we want. Just stay out of our way"

MIKE: "Except at pedestrian crosswalks; then we'll let you cross!

> "Look. Were all a little tense. Why don't we talk about this
> tomorrow when we're all calmer?" Jason asked.
> Ray got up and stomped off. "Well that takes care of that.

TOM: (Jason) Now that Queen Didn't-Immediately-Love-Us is gone.

> Oh by
> the way I have two tickets to the concert in the park. Would you
> like to go, Amy?"
> Amy was a bit shocked at Jason question. "Well I have some studying
> to do, but I guess I can go."

CROW: (Amy) Just please don't hurt me!

> "Great. Lets go." Jason and Amy got
> up and left.
> "I have to get to work. I'll see you later meatball head." Darien
> got up and gave Serena a kiss before leaving.
> "Hey Mina would you like to do something?" Bryce asked as he got up
> to got.
> "Sure why not?" Mina left on Bryces arm.

MIKE: Because he's creepy!
CROW: And French!

> "Looks like it's just you and me Lita. Hey would you like to check
> out that new restaurant?"
> "Sure." Lita left with Jan.

CROW: Man! Of all the times to not have a notepad! You're gonna pay
for that, Mike.

> In the corner Luna and Artemis were
> discussing the Knights.

TOM: Knights? What knights?

> "I don't remember that much about them. But I do remember that they
> were very protective of the scouts." Luna gazed at Artemis "What do
> you remember?"

MIKE: Their correct name, I hope.

> "Not all that much myself. I think that they were on our side. I
> do happen to remember that they didn't use their powers very much
> because they were so powerful."

TOM: Okay, either they are certifiably retarded, or they just REALLY
appreciate irony.

> "What did they use?"
> "I remember that when it came down to hand-to-hand combat they were
> supreme. However they did have some long range weapons. I just
> can't remember what they were."
> "Maybe they still have those weapons."
> "I hope so. Their powers were incredible.

CROW: Dude, their powers were BOSS!

> I'll see you later
> Luna."
> Artemis leapt off.
> "Why do I feel like this is a gonna be a bad week?" Luna asked the
> air.

MIKE: Because there are three asshole Canadians hanging around?

> "Because it will be." Typhus appeared slightly above and behind
> Luna, who had leapt six feet in the air.
> "Don't to that!!" Luna backed away from Typhus. "What do you mean
> that this is
> gonna be a bad week?"
> "The latest Intel is that Nemesis is coming!"

CROW: (gruffly) STARS!

> "Who's Nemesis?"
> "He makes Queen Beryl look like Santa Claus.

TOM: Oh, he's a costume designer.

> Beryl was interested
> in ruling this planet. Nemesis is only interested in destroying it."
> "You must be joking!"
> "I'm not.

CROW: And don't call me Shirley.

> The last time he was in this systems we fought him on
> zephyr. That planet was destroyed in the battle. It now forms the
> asteroid ring between Mars and Jupiter.

TOM: Amazing, it comes straight out of the author's ass and splats
onto our computer screen.

> The knights were so seriously hurt that it
> took ten years for them to heal."

MIKE: What knights?! I thought they were called Warlords!
TOM: Maybe Lord Hades demoted them.
MIKE: Oh. (Pause.) Who the hell is Lord Hades?!

> "TEN YEARS!"
> "Yeah ten years. In the final battle the Warlords ordered the scouts
> back and then used their forbidden powers."
> "Forbidden powers??"
> "You really don't want to know Luna. Look I have to get going.

CROW: "I've got a date with the Grateful Dead logo."

> I'll see all of you later."
> "Right see ya." Luna found herself talking to empty air. Typhus
> had already disappeared. "I really hate it when he does that!"

ALL: That's our Typhus!

>
> Night fell over the city and low moans could be heard coming from the
> bedrooms of three certain girls.

MIKE: Nell, Bjork, and the Bride of Frankenstein.

> 'Ohh boy another night in the trees.' Artemis had arrived home late
> that night. The moans coming from Mina's window told Artemis that
> Mina needed to be alone.

TOM: Ugh.
CROW: Try new high strength Ipacac, now in text form!

> not that I mind living with Mina, but
> sometimes her womanly desires can be a bit much. Maybe I should
> just take a small peek. Don't want her to hurt herself.' (BIG!!!
> GRIN!!)

TOM: BIG!!! PRIZES!!! I!! LOVE IT!!!!

> Artemis leapt up to Mina's window. The sight of Mina and Bryce in
> bed together was enough to almost stop his heart.

CROW: It was sexy when I thought she was masturbating, but this...
this is just SICK!

> 'WOO I must be losing my mind.

MIKE: WOO we know the feeling.

> I have to get out of
> here.' Artemis bounded off into the night.
>
> "Where were you last night!?!" Ray screamed at Jason, Jan, and Bryce
> as they walked into the shrine the next morning.

CROW: Jeez, lady, take a valium!

> "Got lost and spent the night in a park." Jason muttered as he sat
> on the steps.

TOM: Oh my god, The Mighty Jason... made a mistake?! I don't think I
can take this, my whole belief structure is crumbling down around me!
MIKE: (Hugging him) It'll be okay, buddy.

> "Got drunk and woke up in a alley. Please don't yell so loud." Jan
> said as he buried his head in his hands.

TOM: Jan too?! Oh god, my world is falling apart!

> "Any you?" Ray asked Bryce who seemed to be trying to conceal a big
> grin.
> "Ask Mina"
> "What do you mean ask Mina? What would she have .. to .. oh" Ray
> finally made the connection.

TOM: Whew. Back to reality. Okay, I'm grounded again.

> "Bryce!! I thought we all agreed not to tell her." Jason was a bit
> upset.
> "All three of you?!"
> "I was with Amy, Jan was with Lita, and Bryce you know about."
> "How could you do this to my friends!?" Ray was really, really
> pissed off now.

MIKE: (Jason) Easily! We have the power of the author's misogyny on
our side!

> "Hormones?" Jan took one look at Ray expression "Uh actually Lita
> asked me to stay. She said that it got very lonely at times."

TOM: That's right, ladies. It's either sex with men you just met or
complete and utter loneliness. Your choice.

> "Same story with Amy. But I think she got more that she bargained
> for."

TOM: (Jason) A little Rohypnol took care of THAT problem, though!

> All the time they were arguing Serena, Amy, Mina, Lita, and the cats
> had been standing off to one side listening. Blushes decorated three
> faces while the cats were both slack jawed. Serena was looking at
> Amy with a look of envy.

MIKE: (Serena) Wow... I wanna be a slut TOO!

> Why don't you ask us Ray??" Lita demanded in a belligerent tone.

CROW: (Lita) Maybe we LIKE being exploited by suspicious foreigners
we just met, did you ever think of that?

> "WHAT!?!" Ray having been unaware of her friends presence spun on
> her heel and tripped. No one could contain their laughter as Ray
> kissed the asphalt.
> "What's so funny?" Ray demanded as she got up

TOM: You could have been seriously hurt! It's a scream!

> "Nothing, nothing Ray." Serena said waving her hands as she backed
> up from the enraged Ray.

MIKE: Yeah! That stuffy old dean got just what she deserved!

> As Ray was opening her mouth to deliver a response the ground
> rolled and heaved. Stone buckled as a gigantic humanoid figure
> emerged from the bowels of the earth.
> "What the fuck is that thing?!" Lita screamed as the figured
> backhanded her, she was thrown 20 feet away into a tree.

CROW: (monster) I do NOT like profanity, little miss!

> She slumped
> on the ground unconscious.
> "LITA!! That does it!" Jan smashed his right hand into his chest.

CROW: (Jan) Ow! What the... oh, right, hit the MONSTER, not myself!
I ALWAYS get that wrong.

> As soon as his hand hit the are over his heart darkness engulfed his
> figure. The darkness seemed to melt away leaving Jan in his armor.
> "No one messes with my girlfriend!

TOM: That's mainly because you don't have one.

> Prepare to die fiend!!"
> "That's a good idea. Why don't you girls run along and we will deal
> with the monster." Jason asked as he changed.

MIKE: (Serena) Um, because we're kind of the stars of the show...

> "Girls get out of here. I won't let any of you get hurt." Bryce
> yelled as he changed. "All right asshole time to die!"

MIKE: He's gonna kill Jason!
BOTS: Yay!

> "We can take care of ourselves." Mina shot back. As if to illustrate
> her point the creature swept all four girls away with one stroke of
> its hands.

TOM: Yeah! Women are weak! Men rule!
MIKE: Guys, let's just sit back and enjoy all the raw masculinity.
CROW: (Reaching down and picking up three cans) Budweiser?
MIKE: Don't mind if I do.

> "No argument!" Titan yelled as he pulled out a sword. (don't ask
> from where)

CROW: Same place I got these cans!
TOM: Could you just pour mine in my head, Mike?
MIKE: Sure, buddy. (He pours)

> It was you every day run of the mill sword except for the runes
> glowing on the blade.

CROW: Oh, I see. It was a PANSY sword.

> "Chaos Sword Strike!" Energy pored into the blade which glowed a
> blinding white Titan then swung the now glowing sword at the
> creature. Surprisingly the figure (Which is 20 feet tall) simply
> ducked under the swing.

MIKE: And ran to play on the slide.

> "Dark Cannon Blast" A blast of pure black energy signaled Charon
> entrance into the fight. The solid black beam hit the creature and
> was absorbed.
> "OH shit!!! Oberon give us a hand here!"
> "Dark Sting!" Oberons shadow seemed to lengthen and once it was
> under the monster it curled back into a scorpions stinger. The
> creature wasn't even phased by it.

MIKE: That's cause it's a real man monster!
CROW: Woof woof woof woof!

> "What do we do now?"
> "Use our powers."
> "Eternal Whisper!" A globe of pure black energy

TOM: Chris Tucker's head?

> formed at Charon's
> mouth. It flew strait at the monster, hitting the creature in its
> chest.

CROW: You know guys, Charon's my dawg.
TOM: Mine too!
MIKE: He's ALL our dawg.

> One it impacted there was a tremendous explosion, that threw
> everyone back a few feet.

ALL: (Cheer)
CROW: Rockin'!

> Serena picked her self up and stared at where the monster
> had been. A huge crater, at least ten feet in diameter had been
> blasted into the solid rock. Of the monster there was no sign.

TOM: Wait a minute, what's that say? "Watch for monster X-ing". Oh,
never mind.

> "What the hell was that?!" Lita exclaimed as she got up. She had
> one arm wrapped around her ribs.

CROW: Boo! Why isn't she jumping on a trampoline?
MIKE: Yeah! We want bouncing!
TOM: And these women aren't EASY enough! They should be wearing
velcro clothes, and stuff!

> "That was my power." Charon stated simply as he picked himself up.

TOM: We know what you're really talkin' about, man!
CROW: Yeah. Heh heh heh heh.

>
> Elsewhere in the universe
> "Milord we have picked up a energy reading from the third planet in
> the Sol system."
> "What kind of reading?"

MIKE: It appears to be an episode of "Alf", sir.

> "Analysis indicated that the energy signature matched that of
> Charon."
> "Its been a thousand years. Are you sure that it him?"
> "Yes milord."

TOM: "Charon's a wisecracking furry guy, right?"

> "Very well. Prepare the fleet."
> "Sire?"
> "Were going to kill that asshole even if we have to destroy the
> planet!!"

CROW: It's nice to see a real man acting as a real man should.

> "Yes milord."

>
> In another dimension
> "Master we have a report from spies on Earth."
> "What is it?"
> "Warlords."

MIKE: Oh, man. Call the exterminator.

> "Prepare the armies."
> "Yes master."
> "This time we won't lose."
> "As you say master."

CROW: You know, I saw an episode of Soap with the exact same plot as
this story.

>
> Fourth Imperial Star Fleet.

TOM: Man, does Jason owe money to EVERYONE in the universe?

> "Admiral!"
> "What?"
> "Energy readings from Earth admiral."
> "What about them?"

MIKE: They say, "The owls are not what they seem."

> "They match Lord Charon's power sir."
> "Impossible!! He died a thousand years ago."
> "The computer says that it was his power sir."
> "Very well. Set course for Earth and order the fleet to join us."

CROW: Heh, his wife is coming after him.
TOM: Damn those wives!

> "Yes, sir."
> "Where there is one, the rest are near."
>
>
> END of Chapter 1

CROW: KISS my shiny golden ass.

<Reverse door sequence>

{Crow, Tom, and Mike stand on the SOL bridge, wearing Hawaiian shirts
and drinking beer}

CROW: ...so she expects me to CALL her the next day! And I'm like,
baby, I have ENOUGH people to do tomorrow without worrying about
calling YOU!

<Pause>

MIKE: That didn't really happen, did it?

CROW: (Hanging his head) No.

<Pause.>

TOM: You know, we're not "guy bonding" very well.

CROW: I noticed! And I think I know why!

TOM: Why?

CROW: It's probably because one of us... is secretly a woman!

<Tom and Crow slowly turn to look at Mike.>

MIKE: Hey! Don't look at me like that!

TOM: You can't fool us, Nelson! We know you turn into a pretty
superheroine every night!

CROW: Yeah! Now that I think of it, you could be Sailor Uranus's
beefy, homely twin!

MIKE: Now, wait a minute...

TOM: GETTIM!!

<The bots pounce on Mike, who yelps and falls out of sight as the
light on the table begins flashing.>

CROW: Get his shirt!

{CASTLE}

<Pearl looks at the camera quizzically.}

PEARL: (Shaking her head) Men.

<Oberver walks on.>

PEARL: Oh, Brain Guy! Can I... have a word with you for a second?

OBSERVER: Of course, Pearl.

PEARL: (Having a hard time not laughing) Well, I just wanted to
apologize for making fun of you earlier. It was immature. It's fine
to like... Navy Moon, or whatever it's called.

OBSERVER: Oh, that. I don't like Sailor Moon anymore. Now I like
Utena!

PEARL: Yeah, whatever.

<Bobo sneaks onscreen behind Observer, who does not notice his
presence.>

PEARL: So, I just wanted you to know that Bobo and I are sincerely
sorry about calling you a nerd. Really.

<Bobo is directly behind Oberver now, and Pearl can't help chuckling a
bit.>

OBSERVER: Thank you. All I ask is to be treated with respect and...
<He notices Pearl's laughter.> What's so funny?

{Ending credits begin}

BOBO: (Voice-over) WEDGIE!!
OBSERVER: (Voice-over) Aaaaagh!!

"Aquamarines and Diamonds" belongs solely to Dala Phen, and "Battle
Royal" belongs solely to Jason Gregory. E-mail them and tell them how
much you like their stories. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is
property of Best Brains, Inc. and is used without permission but with
the highest respect. "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon" belongs to
Naoko Takeuchi and DiC.
Special thanks to Nicholas Seaman, Alison Capellieri, Elisabeth
Hergerat, Matt Redding, Sean Gaffney, and women in general, for having
to put up with guys like the ones who wrote these fics.

> Your lover, Yaten.'

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.