MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 6/6
rcoa...@forest.drew.edu
From: Coakley, Robert
RCOAKLEY
Dept: STUDENT
Tel No: (201)-408-5013
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%ALT-TV...@CS.UTEXAS.EDU )
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%REC-ARTS-TV...@CS.UTEXAS.EDU )
Subject: MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 6/6
Date: 05-Oct-1995 03:25am EST
From: Coakley, Robert
RCOAKLEY
Dept: STUDENT
Tel No: (201)-408-5013
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%MNE...@ENGIN.UMICH.EDU )
Subject: MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 6/6
> Something dragged itself up the stairs outside the
>Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum. It left a trail of blood
>behind it, and moaned in pain.
MIKE: Mickey Rourke has gotten into *another* fight!
>Inside the museum, in his control
>area, Pellerin waited. There was still a weak signal from one
>microtracker, and he smiled to himself. A survivor, eh?
> He heard a voice. "Pellerin...help meee..."
CROW: Jeff Goldblum _is_ The Fly!
> "Bergs?"
> A figure shambled into the control room. It was hard to
>tell if it was human, because it seemed to be a twisted mockery
>of one.
CROW: Oh. It's not Jeff Goldblum. It's Tor Johnson.
>One arm was gone, and the other was a charred ruin that
>ended in a clawed hand. One leg was a scaly
>mass of flesh, the other was oozing blood and pus. Bergs' face
>was crushed on one side, and eye that stared out from the bloody
>mess was locked on Pellerin.
TOM: Gee, he looks like he's just been in a Frank Miller graphic novel.
> "Please, Pellerin...the pain...help me..." The thing took
>another step and fell to the ground, where it tried to crawl
>toward Pellerin.
MIKE <gasping>: The DNA code's hidden in the...
> "I'll end it for you, Bergs." Swiftly producing a Desert
>Eagle, he fired three bullets into Bergs's head.
CROW <Bergs>: What a sweet guy... ugh...
> Ignoring the bloody mess, Pellerin went back to the computer
>and typed in a sequence.
TOM: At last! The FTP site for Scandinvian pornography!
>He froze when he heard the sound of
>footsteps behind him. Turning, he saw three figures walk in.
> "Ahh, the Knight Sabers have arrived!
MIKE: And there was much rejoycing...
ALL <monotone>: Yay.
>But where is number four?"
TOM <falsetto>: There's a number after three?
> Celia clenched her teeth and wished that Linna was here.
CROW: They wish the Pete Best of the Knight Sabers was there?
TOM: Take that back, you....
>But her attention was drawn to the massive apparatus that filled
>the center of the room, a platform with an emitter hanging over
>it. Cables and wires snaked around the thing, which hummed
>slightly.
TOM: It's the place where they stored "Akira!"
CROW: No, it's the place where they freeze Dick Clark and
defrost him every New Year's Eve!
MIKE: You're both wrong. It's where Newt Gengrich's conscience
is kept.
>Finding her voice, Celia asked, "Where is Doctor
>Shinjii Yahagi, Jareck Van de Meer?"
> A smile appeared on Pellerin's face. "Oh, you know who I
>am! Well, poor Doctor Yahagi is a little messed up right now..."
CROW <Pellerin>: He just saw "Outlaw."
> Nene gasped when she saw the remains of Yahagi. Priss
>simply stared at Pellerin, seething.
MIKE <wimpy voice>: I'll harm you!
> Pellerin walked over to the platform. "Oh, he deserved it
>anyway.
TOM: He was "creepy."
>By the way, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would
>you? Do you want the reason behind all of this? Do you?"
MIKE: At last! The mad scientist explains everything for the
heroes instead of just killing them! Stan Lee would be proud.
> With a broad sweep of his arms, he indicated the machinery
>around him.
CROW: All this can be yours for $29.99! Plus the recipe book!
>"All of this is a result of my research which I did
>for the Proteus Group, a proud part of GENOM's program. It
>seemed that genetic change on the molecular level seemed
>impossible, but I found the way! This machine encodes the DNA of
>one species with the DNA of another, leading to hybrids. What
>purpose would this serve, you might ask?
TOM: Actually, we weren't that interested...
>The bleeding hearts out
>there felt that it would result in the creation of new vegetables
>for food;
MIKE: Or new fruits for iced teas.
>the military and medical minds had other ideas. But it
>was my creation, and I was about to achieve everything I wanted.
>Think of it!
MIKE: I would, but I taste metal when I do.
>The most intelligent species on this planet
>that has existed longer than any other are the reptiles! Those
>idiots who believed in the Hellstrom Chronicles knew nothing!
TOM: Hellstorm? Wasn't he a Marvel character?
>The human race is a used-up species as is.
'BOTS: Tell us about it.
MIKE: Hey!
>This research would
>allow me to search for a way to create a new, better race of
>beings.
CROW: I guess he thinks Leon is an example of humanity.
> "Then Yahagi stole everything I earned. He tattled to the
>heads at GENOM that my research was too risky, that I was a
>monster.
MIKE <little kid>: Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Quincy! Pellerin did
something so BAD! Punish him!
>I was fired, and Yahagi was given credit. The Proteus
>Group was disbanded, and I was lost. Only one person believed in
>me. Brian J. Mason."
TOM: What's with the "J" in the middle of his name? Do they have
any idea how annoying...
MIKE: >AHEM<!!!!
TOM <meekly>: Sorry.
MIKE: It's okay. This time.
> He turned to them, a smile on his face. "He understood. He
>knew that Yahagi was a lying son-of-a-bitch, and he helped me
>'disappear' for a while. When I reemerged, I found Yahagi, and
>nearly killed him. But together, Mason and I formulated a plan.
>Yahagi was a component, though only temporary."
MIKE: You mean like a plot in an Ed Wood film?
> "You had that laser," Priss said. "Why didn't you use it
>those times before?"
CROW: It would have lost impact if I didn't use it during a
high-tention battle sequence.
> "Because I wanted to show the world that my research was
>indeed valid, and I sought revenge on GENOM.
CROW: Aha! So this is supposed to parallel the rage Celia feels
towards GENOM, cause they killed her father too,
and show how mad she could become if she doesn't
keep her revenge in check, and it also shows how
the Knight Sabers are really good guys and not just
a stupid OAV series with chicks in battle armor and
lesbian overtones.
MIKE: That's right and....HEY!!!!
>I know that
>innocent lives were lost, but as Machiavelli once said, 'the ends
>justify the means'."
TOM: He also said that talky movies would never catch on.
>Suddenly,he smashed his hand down on a
>button on the platform, and the emitter began to glow. A beam
>of light surrounded Pellerin, and he began to change.
CROW: Dear God! He's becoming....Mr. B. Natural!
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!!
> Priss, Nene, and Celia could only watch in horror as
>Pellerin's skin tore open. His clothes fell off in tatters, and
>he bent foward, growing, changing--
TOM <deep>: Wishing to tap into the hidden strength that lies within,
Dr. David Banner...
> A massively built thing stepped down from the platform. It
>was eight feet tall, with powerful arms and legs. The skull was
>reptillian, and deep blue eyes regarded the Knight Sabers coldly.
>Lifting a hand, the thing extended wickedly sharp claws.
CROW: Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen. Species.
> "Now," it said in a basso mockery of human speech,
MIKE: He's doing his Barry White impression.
>"DIE!"
> It charged at them, roaring. Priss fired three steel darts
>at it, but it caught two with suprising speed and dodged the
>third.
MIKE: Is this a fight or a role-playing game session?
>Before she could react, it grabbed her with one arm and
>threw her across the room. She landed, hard, near the remains of
>Doctor Yahagi.
CROW <Priss>: Can you help...oh, you're dead.
> Celia and Nene opened up with their weapons, but the
>Pellerin-thing was too agile. It sent Nene sprawling into the
>computer, and it clutched Celia and shook her like a rag doll.
TOM <Celia>: She my daughter, she's my sister...
> "Speed and power!" it thundered. "Speed to dodge your
>weapons...and power to crush you! Any wound I recieve will be
>instantly healed!"
CROW <sarcastic>: Oh, aren't we just *soooooo* superior?
> At that instant, the wall near the computer gave way. A
.hulking roboid shape entered through the rubble. It was a KH-12.
MIKE: And there was...wait a second! It's Leon!
ALL: BOOOOOOO!!!
>
> Leon knew that he had seen everything.
CROW: Peter David making Aquaman intersting. Wow.
> He and Daily had just arrived. He was hurting, he hadn't
>eaten a decent cheeseburger in days, but the sight that greeted
>his eyes made him forget everything.
MIKE: Too bad we can't forget him.
> Finding his voice, he said, "This is the AD Police! Let the
>woman go!"
TOM <Leon> Let me have a shot at her!
> The thing calmly tossed Celia aside and faced Leon. Out of
>the corner of his eye Leon saw the Knight Saber stand up,
>although she seemed unsteady.
CROW: She didn't know the punch was spiked.
TOM: Hey, all of their punches have spikes in them.
>But where the hell was Priss?
MIKE: Hopefully as far away from Leon as possible.
> "The game's over Yahagi!"
CROW <Bruce Paxton>: Game over, man. Game over!!!
> The thing laughed. "Yahagi? YAHAGI? Can't you think of a
>better suspect, Leon McNichol?"
> Leon froze. "Pellerin!?"
> "YESSS!!" The thing charged, and Leon barely had time to
>react. He brought up the KH-12's arm and smashed the thing right
>in Pellerin's face.
TOM: During this, Newt was hiding in the subflooring, while
Bishop was...Oh, never mind. This scene just reminded
me of something else.
MIKE: Mr. McKenzie is no James Cameron.
> The monster went down. It quickly resumed its stance, most
>of its facial bones broken. One eye was a messy cup of blood and
>fluid. The thing charged again, but it was hit by a blinding
>light.
> Priss stood next to the KH-12, holding her right arm in
>front of her.
CROW: Then bringing it up under her left arm.
> Nene's head swam.
MIKE <Nene>: Pink hair dye. What was I thinking?
>Opening her eyes, she found herself near
>the computer. Pulling herself up, she saw that the screen was
>blinking:
>
> SUBJECT DNA PELLERIN_C *322413-0
> DONAR DNA KHOMODO*99323, BAS*273461, GATOR *324234,
> VEL *363212.
>
> ENTER NEW MATRIX>
>
> Turning, Nene saw the thing that was Pellerin facing off
>against Leon and Priss. A plan came to her mind.
TOM: A show this fall that's a rip off of "Friends."
MIKE: Which one?
TOM: Uh, all of them, I think.
> The thing attacked again. Celia and Priss fired their
>disrupter cannons in unison, catching it in the arm. The arm was
>blown clean off, but the thing did not slow down. Leon opened up
>with the KH-12's gatling gun, hitting the beast in the chest.
>Once again, it went down. The three approached carefully,
>weapons ready.
TOM <falsetto>: Let's put it's tail in warm water!
> The Pellerin-thing shot to its feet. Leon could only stare
>mutely as he watched the bullet wounds close up.
CROW: Finally...something to shut Leon up!
MIKE: Yeah, but I've already seen Terminator 2, and Virtuosity,
and...
>A thin growth
>was pushing its way out of the bloody stump of the thing's arm.
>Celia realised what it was doing.
MIKE: Misspelling "realized?"
> The thing laughed. "You see?" Then it's head snapped to
>the left.
MIKE: I tried that once. My neck was in a cast...
'BOTS: We know, Mike.
>"No! What are you doing?"
> The the hum of the emitter grew louder, and it was then than
>Priss realized that Nene had reactivated it.
CROW: Since it kept flashing 12:00, 12:00.
>The Pellerin-thing was distracted--
TOM: They used a picture of Alicia Silverstone from Rolling Stone!
> "Now!" Celia shouted.
> The three fired at once. The force of the blow knocked the
>creature back towards the platform. Stunned, it began to get up
>when Leon charged.
ALL <singing>: Oh yes, they call him Mr. Touchdown....
>Putting all the power he could muster into
>the KH-12, he rammed the thing, pushing it onto the platform.
>The weight of the KH-12 pinned it to the platform.
> "Start the machine!" he shouted, but Nene couldn't, because
>he was in the way...
TOM: Think Leon will make a valiant sacrifice?
CROW: As long as he dies, who cares?
> "Start it! I can't hold it anymo-"
> The beast pushed the KH-12 off itself, sending it into a
>heap. It stood up--
CROW <Mother Abigail>: Make...your stand!
> Nene pushed the "activate" button.
TOM: Wait! That's the self-destruct button!
> The emitter bathed the creature in light. It could not
>move, and it began to scream.
CROW: Ladies and gentlemen...Trent Reznor!
> Priss ran to the KH-12, peeling it open. Leon,
>semi-conscious, did nothing as she pulled him out.
MIKE: Leon. What an idiot.
>Celia came
>over to help, but then she saw what was happening to Pellerin.
>He was changing again--and again and again. One minute he was a
>fat, bloated thing that resembled a cross between a spider and
>a horse. The next minute he was a clawed thing with a bear-like
>body and quills.
CROW: But...bears don't have quils.
>The next form was--
TOM: Obviously unimportant.
> "Hurry!" said Nene, "the machine is overloading!"
> Carrying Leon between them, Priss and Celia ran, following
>Nene. Behind them, Pellerin screamed as he continued to undergo
>a rapid series of transformations. Celia looked back and saw
>that his form was a hideous bat-lizard-beetle hybrid, and that
>there were sparks and fires breaking out all over the place.
>Then she faced front and kept going.
TOM: I guess I'd be annoyed if I had to watch all those rubber suits
too.
MIKE: Tom, this is anime.
TOM: Same difference.
>
> Four figures ran out of the front door of the musuem just as
>Pellerin's device exploded. The blast shattered the dome,
>sending concrete everywhere. The museum, the structure damaged
>by yet another series of explosions that tore through the halls,
>shuddered and collapsed.
MIKE <Mel Gibson>: I should have cut the blue wire...
CROW <Danny Glover>: I *told* you to cut the blue wire!
> Celia, Nene, and Priss watched the whole spectacle. Leon,
>cradled in the arms of Priss' hardsuit, moaned and opened his
>eyes. Priss lay him on the ground as Nene and Celia watched.
CROW: They find this more interesting than the explosion?
> "What happened? Priss, what did you do?" He clutched at
>her arm.
TOM: The words "wrong time" have no meaning to this man.
> "Relax, Leon. We overloaded the machine.
MIKE: We installed Windows 95.
>It seemed that
>Pellerin had an entire library of donar DNA, so the machine
>encoded it all into his DNA."
CROW: Bascially the equivalent of studying for three exams in
one night.
> Leon glanced at the flames. "Talk about evolution to the
>max."
CROW: Well, should I say it, or do you want to?
TOM: Mike, do you want to say it?
MIKE: Let's all say it together. 1...2...3.
ALL: He tampered in God's domain.
> The sound of propfans made Priss look up. "Leon...I have to
>go. I'm sorry."
> "Priss, wait...we never finished our date."
CROW <falsetto>: There's a reason for that.
> "We will," she said.
TOM <falsetto>: When pigs fly!
MIKE: With that machine, pigs *could* fly.
>Then she followed Nene and Celia up
>the transport's ramp. Leon could only watch as it lifted off and
>flew away.
CROW <Japanese boy>: Good-bye, Gamera! Come back soon!
>Rubbing the growing lump on his head, he waited for
>Daily and the rest of the ADP to arrive.
>
> *****************
MIKE: They're using this NOW?
CROW: Maybe it's signalling the epilogue.
> The night seemed dangerous, but the mood on the street was
>casual, enjoyable.
ALL: Mardi Gras!!!
> The media had a field day with the destruction of the GENOM
>R&D lab and the Nakamura-Kellar Museum. Of course, it was all
>speculation, since GENOM and the AD Police remained tight-lipped
>about the whole thing.
TOM: Nothing new about that...
>The whole thing would soon quiet down,
>and the only thing the ADP would have to worry about would be
>Bumas.
MIKE: Psycho robots out to destroy humanity? No problem!
> Priss checked her watch again, wondering where Leon was.
>She was standing in front of the same bar where, four nights ago,
>the creature had smashed through the window.
CROW: And they *still* hadn't replaced the window yet!
>It had been two
>days since the explosion at the museum, and everything was
>starting to calm down.
TOM: Until the next lame fanfic came!
> Linna was doing better. She had suffered two broken ribs
>and a fracture in her right leg, but the hardsuit had prevented
>her from being killed.
CROW: You could learn a lot from a Knight Saber. Buckle your
safety belt!
>She was at the hospital, which Nene and
>Celia had been visiting yesterday and today. Luckily, no one had
>asked any questions, and the staff was friendly with Celia, so
>everything seemed fine.
TOM: Truth was, everyone was deep in denial.
> Authorities had combed the site of the musuem, but had found
>only the twisted wreakage of the machine and some unidentifiable
>remains. No descriptions were given because she was sure that
>none _could_ be given any.
MIKE: Could be given any what?
> "Hey!"
> Priss turned and saw Leon approaching.
<All groan.>
>His left arm was in
>a sling, and there were patches of gauze around his right hand.
>He had his shades on, probably to cut the glare from the
>streetlights.
TOM <singing>: I wear my sunglasses at night...
> "Leon," she said, and walked up to him. "Oh, look at your
>arm. You look like a mess."
CROW <falsetto>: Moreso!
> "At least looking like a mess is better than being dead.
TOM: Not in your case.
>Where shall we go, my fair lady?"
MIKE <British>: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...
CROW: Where we hid Leon's body!
MIKE: No.
> "Leon! I thought we had this place in mind!"
TOM: Leon has only on thing on his mind, unfortunatly.
> "No, let's take a walk. Clear our heads."
> They started walking. Priss took Leon's arm and moved
>closer to him. Leon wasn't tense, however. He just played it
>cool.
MIKE: Who does he think he is? The Roadbuster or something?
> "They found what was left of Pellerin," he said.
> "I heard."
> "That idiot...
TOM: All you people of earth are idiots!
>thinking that the only hope for humanity was
>through an evolution in cold blood."
CROW: Touchdown! We have a title!!!
> "What he said made some sense, though," Priss replied.
>"Let's face it, who knows how much time the human race has left."
<Tom begins humming>
MIKE: What? What is it?
TOM: I know something you don't know!
> "I'll leave it for someone else to figure out," Leon said.
>"Pellerin was pretty much gone around the bend. If the human
>race is going to evolve, it's going to do it on its own time."
CROW: Probably after the X-Files are on.
> Priss stopped walking. "That's pretty profound." Without a
>word she took off his shades and kissed him.
<All groan.>
MIKE: I can only hope she's thinking about Kevin Bacon.
TOM: Maybe she's thinking about the Paper Chase Guy.
CROW: My money's on Sylvie!
> Leon was too shocked to respond. He was still in shock
>after it was over. "What was that for?" he asked in a small
>voice.
CROW: To match his small...
MIKE: C'mon, Crow. It's almost over.
> Laughing, Priss took his hand again. "Figure it out,
>smarty-pants. C'mon, let's go and have a drink."
CROW <Priss>: And then I'll hunt you for sport.
>
>
> T H E E N D
TOM: Well, all's well that ends well.
ALL: NOT!
>M. Mckenzie
>St. Peter's College
CROW <singing>: St. Peter don't you call me cause I can't go...
MIKE: We're going right now.
<All leave>
<Door Sequence>
<We see Mike with Tom and Crow on either side of him. Tom and Crow are
dressed up like little Velociraptors. No JP symbol, though.>
TOM & CROW: Grrrr. Roar!
MIKE: Guys, you two don't have DNA to alter, you just have basic
programming. You can't turn into dinosaurs so you can reach the
next stage of evolutionary development.
TOM: Speak for yourself, Mike. Crow and I are going to become the
new step on the Evolutionary ladder!
CROW: Right! ROAR!!!
MIKE: Geeze, where are Grant and Muldoon when you need them?
What do you think, sir?
<Deep 13>
<Dr. Forrester is hunting for Ryoga, unaware that Ryoga is right behind him.>
DR. F: I'll get you sometime Nelson. But first I have to find Ryoga and
complete the experiment. In his condition...
<Ryoga hits Dr. Forrester with his umbrella, knocking him into the chair.
Ryoga then attached the fanfic device to Dr. F's noggin, and types something
in on the nearby keyboard.>
DR. F: Er, can't we discuss this, Ryoga?
RYOGA <typing>: Complete works of Ratliff, Winston, and McElwaine.
All at once! All for you!
DR. F: WHAT?
<Ryoga presses "enter," and Dr. F begins to violently convulse.>
RYOGA: Revenge is mine! <laughs, twirls his umbrella, and hits the button>
\ /
\ /
-- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH
/ \
/ \
<DR. F makes "Frank" noise>
The character and situations in this MiSTing are copywrite 1995 to
Best Brains, Inc, except Ryoga Hibiki, who is copywrite 1995 to
Rumiko Takahashi, and Bubblegum Crisis, which is copywrite
1995 Artmic, Inc & Youmex, Inc. Rent the tapes! They're cool!
The MiSTing of "Evolution in Cold Blood" is
not a personal attack on M. McKenzie. Special thanks to
the anime-fan-works FTP archives for keeping such fanfics on
file. There's an earlier MST-like riff on it, but it mostly involves
sheep and Barney jokes. Send comments and flames to
rcoa...@forest.drew.edu, where they will be given serious
scrutiny.
>By the way, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would
>you? Do you want the reason behind all of this? Do you?"