MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 1/6)
Loren Haarsma
=========================== part 1/6 ===============================
When Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}", two dozen novice
and experienced MiSTers asked to be part of the Maquis MiSTing team. The
eager following generated by his stories is a tribute to Stephen's
persistence, his good-natured responses to criticism, and the unique
interpretation of reality presented in his oeuvre. In view of such demand,
and in a moment of insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all
aspirants on the dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen
individuals actually answered that call. The technical and editorial
problems posed by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally
overcome.
This is that MiSTing.
Edited by: Loren Haarsma.
Contributing writers: Mighty Jack, David Conner, Psykopath,
The Thad Man, Matthew Miller, Stan Foster, Mark Rowan, Merritt Stone,
Bill Livingston, Joseph Nebus, Hakan Svensson, Ty Cage Warren,
Rick MacKinnon, and Andrija Popovic.
(The riff designations are grouped significantly,
but not exactly, according to who submitted them.)
=============================
Imagine, if you will, a movie theater at a science fiction convention.
A group of fans eagerly await the next showing of a cult classic --- a
movie which achieved just that right combination of goodness and badness
to become an object of devotion. They will shout at the screen, they
will lampoon the characters, and they will celebrate together the
delight they take in schlock scifi theater.
Now ... imagine this:
[MST3K Season 7 theme song]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are in their usual places. Mike is wearing a
brown jumpsuit with a Starfleet emblem. Tom has pointed Vulcan ears taped
to the sides of his bubble. We join an argument already in progress.]
TOM: ...No No No No NO!
CROW: YES!
TOM: NO!
CROW: YES!
MIKE: Tom, I'll prove it. Gypsy, have you seen "The Ultra-Mega Non-
Canonical Fan-Compiled Pathetic Nit Pickers' Technical Guide to Star
Trek" CD-ROM? I couldn't find it anywhere.
GYPSY: Sure, Mike. We put it in Storage Locker 3 last night with all
the other junk, remember?
MIKE: Oh yeah. Thanks, Gypsy.
[Mike, Tom and Crow move stage left. Their conversation fades as they
walk off camera.]
MIKE: You see, Tom, the important technical specification for starship
shields is megawatts *per square meter*, because that takes into
account....
[Gypsy is alone at the desk. She glances at Cambot, then turns
back towards stage left.]
GYPSY: Guys? Where are you going? The Mads are gonna call soon. Guys?
[While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a black jumpsuit and
wearing an earring), Crow (wearing a fake goatee), and Tom (wearing a
black beret) come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.]
MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen...?
GYPSY: [startled] Huh?! [spins around to face them] How did you...?
[looks back towards stage left] But I just saw you go over....
[spins to face them again] Huh?!
MIKE: [in a pseudo-pretentious accent] Gypsy, dear, I seem to have
misplaced all of our back issues of "Modern Art Monthly." Do you,
perchance, know where they might be?
GYPSY: Umm ... sure, Mike. When we cleaned out our rooms last night, we
put all the extra junk in Storage Locker 3. *Remember*?
MIKE: Oh, but of course. Ciao!
[Mike, Tom and Crow wander stage left. Their conversation fades as
they walk off camera.]
TOM: [with a similar accent] You see, Michael, the Post-Neo-Cubical-
Meridian-Obfuscian style is all about the artist's intrinsic
superiority over the public, implicitly justifying condescending,
self-righteous attitudes and the occasional production of technically
simplistic, incomprehensible works while living off government grants.
CROW: [similar accent] Yes, yes, that's all well and good, but it's
soooooo derivative of the Pre-Counter-Duadic-Chromo-Polemicist
school....
[Gypsy is again alone at the desk.]
GYPSY: [calling to stage left] Hey, wait! Guys? You'd better get back
here fast!
[While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a blue jumpsuit), Crow and
Tom come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.]
MIKE: Heeeeey, bright eye!
GYPSY: [startled] AUGH!! [spins around to face them]
CROW: You're looking mighty ... *slinky* there, Gypsy....
[Tom and Crow snicker.]
GYPSY: How did you...? [looks back stage left] But I just *saw* you
go.... [spins around to face them again] HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!
TOM: Oh, she's asking how we Do That Thang We Do....
[Tom and Crow snicker some more.]
MIKE: Have you seen Crow's copy of the Complete Double-Entendres List?
GYPSY: Don't you REMEMBER? We put all that junk in STORAGE LOCKER THREE
last night!!!
MIKE: Oh sure. [Mike, Tom, and Crow head off stage left. Mike pats
Gypsy on her backside.] Keep that light burning for me, baby.
[More snickering from Tom and Crow as they leave. Gypsy is once again
alone.]
GYPSY: [yelling after them] WAIT! Come back! The Mads are gonna call
ANY MINUTE NOW!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
[Mike (in a red jumpsuit and wearing a coach's whistle), Crow (in a
miniature sweat suit) and Tom (with a sweat band around his bubble)
come jogging on camera from stage right. Gypsy is still looking towards
stage left.]
[Mike blows his whistle.]
GYPSY: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [spins around to face them]
MIKE: All right, guys, let's rest a minute.
TOM: There's nothing like brisk round of calisthenics in the
morning to make a bot feel good all over.
GYPSY: How ... how ... [turns towards stage left] how... [turns back
to face them] HOW?!?!
MIKE: Calm down, Gypsy. We just stopped to ask if you know where to
find my old running shoes.
GYPSY: [shaking and stuttering] S-st-storage l-locker th-thr-three?
MIKE: OK, thanks. Let's go, guys. Hup --- hup --- hup --- hup!
[Mike, Crow and Tom go jogging off camera stage left. Gypsy stares at
them as they leave.]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...
[Mike (in a green jumpsuit), Tom and Crow come on camera from stage
right.]
MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen all my other jumpsuits? I can't find them
anywhere.
[Gypsy spins around to face them.]
GYPSY: Oooooooohhh.
[Gypsy faints dead away.]
CROW: Nice one, Mike.
MIKE: Hey, what did I do?
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
[Mike taps commercial light.]
MIKE: What? What did I do...?
[Cut to commercials.]
[Return from commercials. Mike (in green jumpsuit), Tom, Crow and
Gypsy are in their usual places. Gypsy stands woozily. She has a
large ice bag on her head, and Mike is fanning her with a towel.]
[In the background, behind Mike and the bots, we see several duplicates
of Tom and Crow. They are variously standing around, walking on and off
camera, etc. There are even one or two duplicates of Mike on camera
from time to time (all in different-colored jumpsuits), but they always
have their backs turned to the camera.]
MIKE: [notices Cambot] Hi there. Things are even weirder than usual
today on the Satellite of Love. I expect the Mads will explain
soon.... They always do. In the meantime, I'm Mike Nelson,
unwilling astronaut and film critic, and these are my friends
Tom Servo...
TOM: Hello.
MIKE: Crow T. Robot...
CROW: Greetings, Earthlings.
MIKE: And Gypsy.
GYPSY: [still woozy] Ohhhhh.
MIKE: And as for the *rest* of these.... [Mike nods towards the
duplicates behind him.]
TOM: I'm as narcissistic as the next fellow, but I've got to tell you
that there's something deeply disturbing about seeing so many copies
of myself around here.
CROW: Yeah, what's the deal, Mike? Have you been hanging out with
Scotsmen and doing unnatural things with sheep lately?
MIKE: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
[Mads light starts flashing.]
MIKE: Oh, Angus and Dolly are calling.
[Mike taps the Mads light.]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Hello Nelson, fembots. [Dr. Forrester pauses and squints into
the monitor.] You *are* the real Nelson, aren't you?
[SOL]
MIKE: As far as I know.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Good. Because our next experiment is a little thing I call ...
WORLD DOMINATION. All mad scientists dream about replacing world
leaders with robot replicants. But how many of them have the
chutzpah to actually try it?
[SOL]
CROW: Lots, judging by the movies we've seen.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: True, true, but they all failed. And do you know *why* they all
failed?
[SOL]
TOM: They let nosy reporters and government agents sneak around their
secret bases unchaperoned?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Wrong! They failed because they didn't test their creations
properly --- a mistake I *won't* be making. I'm putting my
replicants through the ultimate torture test.
[SOL]
MIKE, CROW & TOM: [together] You mean...?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: YES! I'm going to make them read an entire Ratliff fanfic ---
specifically, "Premier Maquis."
[SOL]
CROW: Mike, I know they're just soulless automaton pawns in a plot to
enslave the world, but that's *too cruel*!
MIKE: Shush, Crow. This is serious.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I wouldn't expect your pedestrian minds to understand, but
personality matrix construction is very delicate and unpredictable.
You've probably already noticed personality differences amongst
them, hmmm?
[SOL]
MIKE: Now that you mention it.
GYPSY: Ooohhhh.
CROW: I hate to ask, but does this mean *we* have to go back into the
theater and read that ... that THING again?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Much as it pains me to say this ... NO. It was hard enough
getting each set of replicants to ignore the other sets. I need
to measure their responses to prolonged Ratliff exposure, compare
them to your responses, and I don't want you in there corrupting
my data.
[SOL]
[Mike has a noose strung up near the desk. Crow and Tom are each
holding one terminal of a car battery.]
ALL: WHEW!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You've got until the end of the fanfic to relax, Nelson. Because
when it's all over and the victorious replicants return to Deep 13,
they'll have the information I need to take over the world. Now
send in the clones! [Dr. F stabs the button.]
[SOL]
[Lights, buzzers, etc.]
MIKE, CROW & TOM: They've got fanfic sign!!!
[Replicants head for the theater. The real Mike, Crow and Tom dive out of
the way as Cambot heads for the theater doors.]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]
[Fifteen replicants each of Mike, Tom, and Crow cram into the small
theater. Of course, we can only see their silhouettes. (Fun and games
with Shadowrama{tm}!) They somehow all manage to find a seat.]
>> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org!
Tom09: Ah, good old Sonny Tufts College.
Mike08: Mitre: For Starfleet's PREMIER soccer gear!
>> agate!newsgate.duke.edu!
Mike09: [singing] Duke, Duke, Duke, E-D-U-U-U....
>> solaris.cc.vt.edu!
>> newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr!arclight.uoregon.edu!
>> usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net!
Crow09: Yeah, gotta keep yer NNTP servers at a pretty constant 40 PSI,
there.
Mike15: I think the exclamation points are a bit excessive. It's just a
transfer route.
Tom15: Yes! But isn't it exciting!
>> nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net!
>> hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
Tom02: Not-for-reading either.
Mike15: Not-for-mail, not for human consumption.
Tom15: Warning! Ratliff fanfics can cause severe brain damage.
Crow13: Great! This one's so bad, the news servers played a virtual game of
Hot Potato.
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Crow08: Gaaah! Sorry, reflex action.
Tom09: And the crowd goes wild.
All09: [dully] Yay.
Tom15: [singing] Dead man walkin'...
Mike13: You know, it's possible that Ratliff is actually a *good* writer
who posts bad fanfics just to see what kind of a reaction he can
get.
Crow13: You should be shot for even *imagining* that.
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Tom13: Soon to be renamed "alt.startrek.badly.in.need.of.a.life."
Crow15: [as Alec Guiness] You will never find a more wretched hive of
scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1
All13: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mike08: Premier Mercury Marquis?
Tom08: Premier Marquess of Queensbury?
Crow08: "Get the Marqui title up on the marquee."
>> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
Tom13: Whose English Department apologizes most profusely for this
article.
>> Lines: 125
Mike13: That's not so bad.
Crow13: Did you forget the "part 1" above?
Mike13: Ulp!
>> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
Tom13: runet: Ratliff Unleashes New Enterprise Twaddle.
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
Mike13: This Is Nuts!
Crow13: Terrorizing Individual Newsgroups!
Tom13: Twits Ingenious? Never!
Crow09: "PLO"? So Stephen is actually Yassir Arafat?
Mike09: It would explain a lot.
>>
>>
>> Star Trek
>> Deep Space Nine
Crow15: Deep Hurting Nine is more like it.
>> The Marrissa Stories
Tom15: Dear gods, he's got them titled now!
Crow08: He wasn't content with ruining The Next Generation. Now
he's gonna tear up Deep Space Nine.
Tom08: Not to be redundant, but this is going to hurt.
Mike08: A lot.
Tom13: What's with these authors that sequel things to death?
Sheesh, this is worse than the Xanth series.
Crow13: This is Ratliff you're talking about. It's worse than the Gor
series.
>>
>> Premier Marqui
Mike13: By Faberge
Crow15: He lost the S.
Mike15: I think he's lost more than just a few letters.
Tom01: He spelled the title wrong.
Mike01: TOM!
Tom01: It wasn't a spelling flame, it was a poor research riff.
Mike01: Okay, just don't let it happen again.
>> by Stephen Ratliff
All01: We're going to die!
>>
>> This Story is a work of
Tom11: A twisted mind.
>> fiction.
Crow01: \
Crow14: - Like, duh.
Crow09: /
Crow13: This AUTHOR is a work of fiction.
Tom09: Believe me, this is a valid disclaimer.
Crow09: Oh, that's convincing coming from a bot who still wears his
C-3PO mask when he watches "Return of the Jedi."
Tom09: Shut up, you!
>> Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of
Mike11: Uniquely determined primes.
>> the author's
Tom13: Delusional mind.
>> imagination
Tom12: Or the author's dementia.
Crow15: The author has an imagination?
>> or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
Tom11: Thank God.
Crow02: And resemblance to actual common sense or plot is entirely
coincidental.
Mike03: Names have been changed to protect the grammatically confused.
Mike09: So all you lawyers for Erika Flores, this means "foo on you."
Crow13: And you have our sincerest condolences if "resemblance to a
Ratliff fanfic" happens to you or someone you love....
Mike15: [whiny voice] No, I did not base Ensign Voluptua on you, Mom....
Tom15: <shiver> Let's not go there, Mike.
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
Crow09: [as ViaCom] And DON'T you forget it, you little lowlife fan-worms!
Tom09: Who'da thought ViaCom would be the Disney of the 90's?
Tom15: [as ViaCom] The cash cow is ours! All ours! They'll buy anything
with "Star Trek" stamped on it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
Crow15: And he can keep it.
Mike08: And he can keep it.
Tom05: We can't believe he's claiming credit for it.
Mike11: Remember, Stephen Ratliff is copyrighted. Creating a clone of
him is punishable under international copyright law.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
Crow11: Since this is a Marrissa story, shouldn't that be "Strawberry
Finn"?
Tom15: [as Mark Twain] Give me back my notice, you young whip. It was
not presented to you, much less with courtesy....
Crow03: Oh, so we're big hoity-toity authors on par with Twain, now, are
we?
Tom03: Don't encourage him.
Crow01: Well, we know Ratliff payed attention in American Lit.
Crow12: Well, *he's* using stuff without permission all over the place.
Mike12: Ah, Crow, we really shouldn't talk.
Tom13: Oh, great, how he's ruining Mark Twain for *generations* to come.
Mike13: Maybe he's been watching that episode where they go back in time
and meet Mark Twain in San Francisco....
Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaaan-boy!
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
Tom11: Searching fruitlessly.
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
Mike13: Persons who make fun of it will get ramchips.
Bots13: Mo-ti-VA-tion!
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
Tom12: Well, no danger of any of those.
Mike02: At least he's owning up to it now.
Tom01: That is scary on so many levels.
Tom07: Talk about rule by an intellectual elite!
Mike14: I think we're all pretty safe up here.
Crow13: Right! Come over here, Ratliff. Ma, go get mah gun.
Mike13: I don't think he meant that literally.
Mike15: Oh, don't worry. We won't be looking for a motive...
Tom15: Or a moral...
Crow15: Or any kind of plot. I mean, this *is* Ratliff fanfic.
Tom03: Persons attempting to find originality in it will be forced to
coexist with Tickle Me Elmo factory rejects.
Mike11: Persons attempting to enjoy it will be committed to a mental
health institution.
Tom08: Persons attempting to stop Mark Twain from spinning in his
grave will be arrested.
Mike09: Persons attempting to riff it will get a load of cash, be sent
back to Earth, and given long sensual foot massages by Tea Leoni.
Crow09: Yeah, right, Mike.
Mike09: Hey, it could happen!
>>
>>
>> This story is dedicated to:
Tom09: The inventor of Steve's spell-checker, Mr. Etaoin Shrdlu.
Tom13: All those helpless electrons that were forced to become this awful
fanfic.
>>
>> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.;
Crow05: Who won't be speaking to me after this gets out.
Mike11: Any relation to Lena?
Tom11: Wishful thinking will get you nowhere.
>> and
>> the Principles
Crow04: And Practices...
Tom09: And Discourses...
>> and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary,
Crow07: It's not school he hates, it's the principle of the thing.
Tom13: That's "Princi*PAL*s"! The Principal is your *PAL*; that's how you
remember.
Mike13: Tom, ease up on the spelling flames.
>> Hidden Valley Junior High,
Mike12: Makers of fine salad dressings.
Mike04: Isn't that where Annette Funicello went?
Mike05: Too bad Ratliff didn't stay hidden in the valley.
Crow09: Hey, Stephen went to school to learn how to make Ranch dressing.
Mike09: I hear Buttermilk 201 is really intense.
>> and Cave Spring High School,
Mike11: Who thogt me every thing i now about wirting.
Crow03: Who are even now preparing bribes so they won't get mentioned
again.
>> especially ...
>> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley
Crow15: He'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
>> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley
Tom15: Currently wanted for questioning regarding two other Star Trek
fanfics....
Mike01: How many guys named David are there?
>> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High
>> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary.
Crow08: None of whom can ever show their faces in public now for being
associated with this story.
Tom09: Also, Bitsy, Cookie, and Muffy --- kisskiss, sweetumses!
Tom07: At least he didn't thank his English teacher.
Mike03: Oh, so he *can* spell "principal" right after all?
Tom14: Pick one spelling and stick with it, Stephen!
Tom13: PAL!! PAL!!
Mike13: [warningly] Tom....
Tom13: But, look, he spelled it right three times in a row and then
spelled it wrong again! How could anybody *do* that?
Mike13: Easy, pal. Tell yourself, "It's only a fanfic."
Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic ... it's only a fanfic....
Tom01: Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about this one....
Mike01: Aw, how bad could it be? We've made it through ten whole
Ratliff fanfics. He can't get any worse, can he?
Tom01: I dunno, Mike, but I'm picking up some really bad vibrations
here.
Mike15: How many schools did Ratliff go to, anyway?
Tom15: Not enough. Not enough by a long shot.
>>
>>
>> Special Thanks to:
Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic....
>> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading
Tom03: ... at least half of this story.
Mike10: 80-proof reading, in this case.
Tom02: That he missed the full stop right there is very ominous.
Tom12: Wouldn't it be ironic if he misspelled his name?
Tom07: I have a feeling that should be "Eugene."
Tom11: Shouldn't that be "Eugene"?
Mike03: How much you wanna bet his name is really "Eugene?"
Mike04: Isn't he the guy who hosts "The Western Tradition?"
Crow04: Too obscure. No one watches PBS these days.
Mike08: Well.... Let's see how THIS guy holds up.
Mike09: Woiwod?
Tom09: Bwing out the pwisonew cawwed Bwian!
All05: PROOFREADING!?!?!?!
Mike05: Dear Lord, the rapture is at hand!
Tom05: Quick, get Crow out of the house before God comes.
Crow05: Hey!
Mike06: Yes, by popular demand, and at no extra charge, a proofreader has
been added to Ratliff's crack writing staff.
Tom06: Unfortunately, from what we've seen so far, Eugen proofreads about
as well as Ratliff writes.
Crow15: [as Eugen] He spelled "the" wrong *again*?!
Mike15: [as nurse] Calm down, Mister Woiwod, your thorazine will be
ready in a moment.
Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... [starts giggling] It's only <hee hee> a
<hrrshkt> fanfic....
>>
>> Acknowledgments
>> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by
>> Thomas Jefferson.
Crow08: ... who is *also* spinning in his grave.
All13: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[Tom01 shrieks, and his head explodes.]
Crow01: Yikes! Servo was right! I don't think he's ever blown up before
the story even started.
Mike06: Yes, trust Ratliff to rip off nothing but the best.
Tom07: First Twain, then Jefferson. Who's next, Raymond Chandler?
Crow03: His spell checker isn't on the fritz anymore, so instead he's
ripping off dead white guys right and left?
Tom03: I *told* you not to encourage him!!!
Crow12: So, the last three lines of this story will be Ratliff's own work?
Mike11: [as Ratliff] The original sucked because there wasn't any action,
so I added these neat starships and stuff.
>> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little
>> brother, Phillip.
Crow11: Ah! So that's why the new consoles are made from Lego blocks.
>> Don't tell him I told you.
Crow01: ...or he'll beat me up.
Tom11: The less Phillip knows of his brother's stories, the better.
Mike14: [as Stephen] Since he can't read, he'll never know unless someone
tells him....
Tom12: HEY! Phillip!
Crow07: Hey, Phillip? Phil, honey?
Crow15: Yo! Phillip! Guess what your brother told us, Trekkie? Hahaha.
Tom03: [little-boy voice] It's no fair! Stephen gets to post to
alt.startrek.creative and I don't!!!
Tom09: Ma! Steve's using my starship designs in his stories again. Make
him stop!!
>>
>>
>> Prologue
Mike07: Call me Ishmael....
Tom11: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Tom10: Shipments of anti-logue are being sent as we speak.
Crow12: Is that anything like the Captainslogue?
Tom13: Sort of like a Captain's log, except done by professionals.
>>
>> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one
>> People to
All10: Party down!
>> dissolve the Political Bonds
Crow11: Ooooh....
Mike11: Cut that out!
Crow07: Bonds. Political Bon--
Mike07: Stop that. Too obvious.
>> that have connected them with
Crow08: Bad fan fiction.
Crow10: The Garden State Parkway.
>> another and to assume among the stars, the separate and equal status
Mike13: Hey! Separate but equal is inherently UN-equal.
Tom07: Hey, Plessy! Fergusson wants to talk to ya!
>> which the Laws of
Tom06: ... Jim Crow.
Crow06: Huh?
>> Nature and the Universe
Tom11: This is Star Trek. Laws of nature only apply when it makes a neat
plot point.
Tom14: Huh. Never would've pegged Ratliff as a PC redactionist.
Tom09: The universe, as opposed to nature.
Mike09: I think he tried to make it ecumenical.
Tom09: "I want to appeal to all religious persuasions, so let's remove
any reference to God." Somehow, that utterly fails to impress me.
>> entitle them,
Crow10: It's these pesky entitlements that are ruining the whole country.
>> a respect for
>> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy
Crow01: ... except when we don't like those opinions....
Mike10: What if the Galaxy just wants them to shut up and go home?
>> demands that they should
>> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties.
Mike10: Okay, like, they keep drinking milk right from the carton.
Tom11: And the winner of the run-on sentence award is....
Tom07: Let's see him diagram THAT sentence.
Crow07: Are you kidding? Even proofread, the grammar's bad here.
Mike15: [phone dials] Hello, Jefferson estate? Yes, I've got a nice
little tip for you about a copyright infringement....
Tom15: I get to call Paramount!
>> We hold these truths ...
Mike03: Dramatic... Shatner-like... pause.
Crow03: How... appropriate... for a Star... Trek story.
Mike04: Whoa! What happened to the "self-evident" part?
Crow04: Ratliff is getting fickle in his old age.
Mike09: The ellipsis is the text file equivalent of humming because you
forgot the words.
Tom06: [singing] We know this much is truth....
>> all people are created equal
Crow13: Ohhhh! Somebody forgot a big chunk of the Declaration of
Independence.
Tom13: Guess who didn't pay attention to his "Schoolhouse Rock."
>> and are
>> provided with certain unalienable rights.
Mike11: Unless they're aliens, of course.
Mike09: Which is kinda ironic, considering all the aliens in "Star Trek."
Crow09: ...All with the same prosthetic foreheads.
Tom09: And a rock to wind a string around.
Crow15: HEY! He lifted out my favorite part.
Mike15: It's a dark day when Stephen Ratliff sees fit to edit Thomas
Jefferson.
>> Among these are Life,
>> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
Mike07: Oh, and a Good Llama.
Tom12: And the right to write bad fanfics.
>> To secure these rights,
Tom08: Requires us to quit reading this fanfic. Good night, everybody!
>> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from
Mike01: The tobbaco lobby.
Tom11: Donations from the tobacco lobby.
>> the consent of
>> the governed,
Mike06: ...or the fear of the government's soldiers, imprisonment,
torture....
Crow09: What about the unanimous consent of the governed?
Tom09: You realize, L. Neil, that only a handful of people out there will
actually get that reference.
Crow09: Yeah, and we're all gonna form a Gallatinist parliament, you got
a problem with that, Baron von Richthofen?
>> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive
>> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and
>> replace it with
Mike09: A new mid-season sitcom, starring Bobcat Goldthwait.
>> another.
Crow12: Even more destructive government!
>> That new government laying it's
Mike11: [as Michael Palin] It's...
Tom08: Oooo! Ooo! Can I grammarflame him?
Mike08: Easy, Tom. He's probably just getting warmed up.
>> foundation on
>> such principles
Crow09: Or principals.
Tom09: Hidden Valley Junior High faculty leads anti-government rebellion.
Film at 11.
>> and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve
>> their Safety and Happiness.
Mike12: Until election time.
Tom11: That is, the safety and happiness of the government. Screw the
plebes.
Tom07: Hey, we need a verb here.
Crow13: Isn't this the part that Jefferson ripped off from Thomas Paine?
Mike13: Shhhh! School kids aren't allowed to know that until they go to
college.
Crow13: Oh. Sorry.
Tom14: "Safety and Happiness." That's a good name for a
COUNTER-counter-cultural rock band.
>> Prudence
Mike04: [as Lennon, singing] "... won't you come out to play?"
>> dictates that governments long established should not
>> be changes
Tom07: [as Snagglepuss] Or changed, even.
Tom03: Ahem. Shouldn't that be *"changed"*?
Mike03: No, that's the way the Declaration originally was.
Bots03: Really??!
Mike03: No, not really, I just wanted you to be quiet about the grammar
for once.
>> for light and passing causes.
Crow09: Which explains the downfall of "New Coke."
Mike10: But they have to be rotated every 3,000 miles anyway.
>> However, when a long train
Mike09: That would be blues legend and noted revolutionary Jojo "Long
Train" Clements.
All08: A Sooooooooul Train!
>> of
>> abuses and usurpations towards an end,
Tom10: Namely, destabilizing the "Must-See TV" lineup.
>> showing a design to reduce them
Crow08: To a story that reads like rubbish.
>> to absolute oppression,
Mike04: ...it might get you a guest spot on Montel!
>> it is their Right, it is their Duty, to
>> overthrow that government and provide
Crow05: Booze for all.
Tom05: This message brought to you by the Booze Council, which reminds
you that violently overthrowing the government goes better with
booze.
>> new guides for their future
>> security.
Tom04: [as announcer] In the future, security won't have to wear red
shirts.
Tom11: You know, I never quite thought that I'd be riffing on the
Declaration of Independence.
Mike11: Ratliff takes you the strangest places.
>> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it
>> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government.
Tom09: [British] Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Crow10: From now on the entire government will be Dave Barry. I want to
be Commissioner of Pop-Tarts.
>> The
>> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a
>> repeated disregard for
Mike01: The Prime Directive!
Crow01: Logic!
Tom05: Science!
Mike05: Physics!
Crow05: The intelligence of its viewers!
Mike10: History!
Tom10: Culture!
Crow10: Continuity!
Mike10: Common sense!
>> these Colonies.
Mike12: [as Starfleet] Colonies? What colonies? I don't see any
colonies around here?
>> As evidence of this, let these
>> facts be set before the Galaxy ...
Mike10: In a tasteful display, mind you.
Mike13: Just the facts, ma'am.
Crow15: Does this mean he's admitting the Federation is a bunch of
imperialists?
Mike15: Nah. He's parroting.
Tom15: <parrot whistle> Polly want fair taxation. <squawk>
>>
>> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help.
Mike01: Starfleet been dissing me and th' gang.
Crow12: [falsetto] Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!
Mike02: To be fair, their representatives spent most of the time hitting
on the Vulcan ambassador....
Tom04: We also ordered a carton of apostrophes. What terrible service!
Tom13: [as Maquis] We keep calling their technical support line, and they
always transfer us to the sales department.
Crow03: [as Federation] Hey, we sent down twenty technicians in red shirts.
You saying they weren't any help?
Tom07: [as Maquis] Help!
Mike07: [as Federation] No, I can't hear you! [Sticks fingers in ears
and hums loudly.]
>> They have given us up to another government with out our
>> consent.
Mike10: Oh quit complaining. It's just Canada!
Tom12 : But you just said you *wanted* another government.
Mike13: Aw, come on. "Slave for a Day" isn't about repression. It's
about charity.
Mike11: "With out"? Ratliff can't even cut and paste text properly.
>> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can
>> purchase
Mike10: ...to stuff that looks like Star Trek people designed it.
Tom03: Ah yes, the famous Boston Tea, Earl Grey, Hot Party.
Crow15: What do you mean I'm not allowed to buy a "Babylon 5" shirt?
Mike15: [man-in-black voice] Why buy that when these "Voyager" shirts
are so lovely? Isn't Janeway cute?
Tom11: We can't even buy periods!
Crow13: No more Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? That's the last
straw!
Crow07: They have given us the mother of all wedgies.
Mike08: They have shut down our unofficial Web sites.
Tom08: They have shown reruns in midseason.
Crow08: They have kept us from tearing up this fanfic.
Mike04: Unfortunately, they have not restricted the "bads" we can write.
>> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors
>> terrorize us.
Tom09: Led by that infamous Cardassian, Gul Pancho Villa.
Tom02: [as Maquis] They have forced us to terrorize the bandits and
their cruel neighbors....
Mike13: [as Flanders] Howdelee doodelee, neighbor. How about a Parcheesi
tournament?
Tom13: Wow. That *is* cruel.
Crow14: Yup. Ratliff really PC'd up the ol' Declaration.
>> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves.
Crow06: Damn that Brady Bill!
Mike07: Well, okay, it was just a five day waiting period, but sometimes
you just gotta fight an oppressive Federation RIGHT THEN!
Mike04: I can just see a poster of Ratliff with the caption: "I'm the NRA."
Mike02: Haven't these people heard of the Ferengi?
Mike03: [matronly] Now, children, don't play with those phasers in the
house.
Mike13: I'm sorry, you *can't* have a thermonuclear bomb for "duck
hunting" without a permit.
Mike15: The planet killer's just for hunting and home defense. Really!
>> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend
>> themselves.
Crow04: Yet mysteriously, those who defended themselves from a seated
position remain unscathed.
Mike12: It's no fun to hunt the ones who just lay there.
Tom13: "She says the jungle ... it just came alive and took him!"
Mike02: [as John Cleese] This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
>> They have hunted down those among us who supported the
>> aforementioned people.
Mike03: They have hunted down the soldiers who went in to save the
soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to....
Mike09: They have hunted down those among us who supported those among
us who supported the other people who we mentioned just afore.
Mike13: Duck season!
Crow13: Rabbit season!
Mike13: Duck season!
Crow13: Rabbit season!
Mike13: Rabbit season!
Crow13: Duck season!
>> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds
>> occurring here in the zone.
Tom10: Told you Disney would screw up ABCNews.
Crow13: [as Federation] We sent you Geraldo. What more do you want?
Crow03: You mean they didn't hunt down the press? What a shocker!
Mike05: The Neutral Zone.
Tom05: The End Zone.
Crow05: The Twilight Zone.
Mike11: [as Rod Serling] Beyond this door lies a dimension of plot holes.
A place where the most implausible events become reality. You have
now entered ... The Ratliff Zone.
Tom11: [Hums the Torgo theme.]
>> They have in acted
Mike01: And over acted.
Crow01: And inbred.
Tom03: Shouldn't "in acted" be "enacted"?
Crow03: No, inaction is what this here fanfic is all about.
Mike04: Ah, Berkeley --- home of the famous Student Act-Ins.
>> a treaty without our consent taking away our
>> lands and giving them over to our enemies.
Mike13: [British accent] Darling, it's the book-of-the-month club. They
say we've won the M-4 motorway.
Tom10: They have enforced rules about plagiarism.
Mike08: They have left the toilet seat up for the last time.
>> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received
>> none, only repeated acts of the above.
Mike12: Lather, rinse, abuse, repeat.
>> A Government which acts as such
>> is unfit to rule a free people.
Tom12: That's why they had to enslave you!
Tom13: However, they are fit to rule a military-industrial complex.
Tom11: Wait a minute. Is Ratliff trying to make us feel compassion for
the antagonists?
Crow11: Well, he's already made us hate Marrissa.
>> Nor have we been wanting in attentions
Crow14: [falsetto] Hey, big fella!
Mike04: The above sentence demonstrates one of the most alarming facts
about our founding fathers.
Tom04: What, that they had slaves?
Crow04: ... Flew kites in the rain, risking electrocution?
Mike04: No --- that you can sing almost anything they said to the refrain
of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal."
>> to our Federation
>> Counterparts.
Tom07: [falsetto] Honey, you never pay attention to me anymore.
>> We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have
>> reminded them of
Crow10: The Principle of Random capitaliZation.
>> the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement
>> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties
>> of common Relation.
Tom07: Ah, the old boy network.
Mike10: Family reunions are awkward enough without dragging politics into
it, though.
Crow04: We have maintained their archaic Custom of capitalizing Nouns in
the middle of Sentences without due Cause; and in Usurpation of
modern Usage.
Tom10: Who'd have known the future would write in archaic styles?
>> They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice
Mike11: Played by Janet Jackson.
>> and
>> Reason.
Tom08: Well, they *are* Viacom.
Crow07: I can't hear you! La-la-la-la!
>> We must, therefore bow before the Necessity, and announce our
>> Separation
Mike06: With a no-fault divorce to follow.
>> to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace.
Tom11: The reverse *would* be rather strange.
Mike08: Brothers in Arms.
Crow08: Babes in Toyland.
Tom08: Strangers in Paradise.
Crow06: ... and Nodding Acquaintances in Cold-War Tension.
Mike13: Tomorrow, on Jenny Jones: Enemies in War, Friends in Peace, and
the Women who Love Them.
>> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the
>> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress,
Tom13: And Major Mistake.
Crow08: And in General Disorder.
>> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe,
Crow02: I was wondering when Marrissa would make an appearance.
Crow13: Oliver Wendell Holmes?
Tom13: Lance Ito?
Mike13: Judge Dredd.
Bots13: OhHHHHHhhh.
Crow09: [as Rainman] Yeah. Wapner's on at four. Definitely.
Mike09: Remember, friends, if you have a dispute with a foreign galactic
empire, don't take the law into your own hands. Take them to
court!
>> do, in
>> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies,
Tom09: Also Dave and Ernie, too.
Tom03: Winding up for a big finish, aren't they?
>> solemnly
>> declare, that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free
>> and Independent State;
Crow10: Specifically, Delaware. Well, the name's available....
>> that they are absolved from all Allegiance from
>> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection
>> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be
>> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have
>> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish
>> Trade, and to do all the other things which Independent States do.
Mike11: You know ... things.
Tom10: Like have Official State Dinosaurs and export prisoners to Texas
and stuff.
Mike13: If every Independent State jumped off a cliff, would you?
Mike08: [as Maquis] So eat our dust!
Tom08: [as Maquis] Yeah! No more Mr. Nice Colonies!
Mike03: Hey, look! A period at the end of that sentence!
Crow03: This is history, Mike, it doesn't *have* to be written well.
>> And
>> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the
>> protection of the Supreme Power,
Crow09: Gene Roddenberry?
>> we mutually pledge each other our
>> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Crow07: Oh, and a monthly alimony check.
Mike12: And our Credit Card Numbers.
Tom09: Well, you gotta give Ratliff credit. If you're gonna crib, you
might as well crib from the best.
Tom15: Apparently this isn't the draft of the Declaration with the words
"Nanny-nanny boo-boo" in it....
Crow13: Meanwhile, Thomas Jefferson is doing laps in his grave and
cursing Stephen Ratliff's ancestry.
Mike13: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT
information is ENCOURAGED.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
Tom13: If he's in college, why was he thanking people in his high school
and *elementary* school??
Mike13: Remember ... "It's only a fanfic."
Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic....
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
Mike08: Now, *that's* just scary.
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
Mike04: "That one looks like a dragon."
- stoned comment of Cmdr. Spock,
ST:TOS
Crow13: Stephen Ratliff recognizes sarcasm. Film at 11.
Mike09: I thought they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
Crow09: I hope not, 'cause I've got two tickets to paradise.
Tom09: Actually, if you look real close, you can see paradise by the
dashboard light....
Crow01: It's over? Yes! And to think, barring the spelling and grammar,
this one wasn't all that badly written! [Crow01 gets up to leave.]
Mike01: [Leans close to Crow01 and whispers loudly] Uh, Crow....
Remember, this is just the prologue. It hasn't even started yet.
Crow01: *What*?! *NOOOO*!!!!
[Crow01's head explodes, and the proximity causes Mike01's head to explode!
Bits of springs and wires now stick out of the heads of Tom01, Crow01, and
Mike01, and they remain unmoving.]
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Mike08: You know, I understand the gag reflex much better now.
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui
Mike09: [as narrator] Your guide through this storyline.
Tom09: Also known as, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."
Tom08: Sooo, it's "Maqui" now? By the end of the story, it's gonna be
"Margarine" or something.
Crow08: Better check the warranty on the proofreader, Stephen.
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 31
>> Message-ID: <5152uq$n...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Title: Premier Maqui
Mike15: With no "S" at the end like before. We must be very clear on that.
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
Mike08: Huh. Doesn't look any more promising when you repeat it.
Tom08: Or any less frightening.
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
Mike08: Stargazer? But....
Crow08: Don't go there, Nelson.
Crow09: Have you tried the Stargazer Fruit Chews? They're really pretty
good.
Tom15: [singing] We'll keep hope alive with our StarGazers.
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
Tom13: Countdown to disaster!
Tom12: Is that the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks"?
>> TV-Guide-like blub:
Tom08: Oh, so the story's drowning already.
Mike08: Well, that'll happen.
Tom02: "Blub"? As in crying?
Crow02: Why not? We cry when we read this.
>> The Marqui declare Independence
Mike06: Uh oh. Do you think Ratliff's been getting ideas from
"Independence Day"?
Crow06: If this fanfic has Randy Quaid in it, I am *leaving*!
>> and try to steal some starships.
Mike08: The readers declare frustration and try to steal some shuteye.
Mike09: Naturally, "Hi-jinx ensues."
Tom09: I thought it was "Hilarity abounds."
Crow09: No, no, no, it's "Zaniness erupts."
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
Crow13: Using plot holes big enough to drive a semi through.
Crow07: So, there's a lot of trying in this, huh?
Crow08: And fail! Pleasepleaseplease....
Crow12: She's unable to, so she just kills them all.
Mike02: Now there goes any hope for suspense.
Crow02: There was never any hope for suspense.
Crow15: And now, Ratliff summarizes great works of literature:
Mike15: [as Ratliff] Moby Dick, by Herman Melville: Some guy who's
ticked at a whale.
Tom15: [as Ratliff] Hamlet, by William Shakespere: A guy's sad about
stuff and everyone dies in the end.
>>
>> Forward:
Tom04: Backward!
Crow04: I buried Paul!
>> This is the 11th Marrissa Story.
Mike08: [as Billy Crystal] And thank you for bringing up such a
painful subject....
>> Boy have I been arround a lot.
Crow08: I don't think that's anybody's business but yours.
Mike08: Crow, I'm proud of you.
Crow08: Even *I* didn't want to try any other angle with that one.
All04: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around....
All14: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around....
Crow09: Yeah, so has influenza.
>> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years.
All02: \
All08: - [pause] Naaaaah, too easy.
All14: /
Tom13: [ghostly voice] Doooon't yoooou believe it!
Mike12: He'd almost *have* to.
Tom15: Getting worse could signal the heat-death of the universe....
>> In any case, I'd like to
>> know how I'm doing.
Crow13: No, Stephen, you don't. You really don't.
Mike15: Who wants to tell him?
Bots15: Me! OOoh! Me!
Tom02: [as Ed Koch] How'm I doing? How'm I doing? How'm I doing?
Mike04: Glad you asked, Stephen. Several of your progress reports can
be found here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/
>> Please tell me what you liked,
Tom08: Well, that won't take long.
>> disliked, or just hated.
Tom13: Liked --- the fact that it ended. Disliked --- the fact that it
started. Hated --- EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!!
>> I can
>> take what ever you throw at me.
Crow09: Rotten eggs?
Mike09: Check.
Tom09: Beakers of Nitro?
Mike09: Check.
Crow09: Llama Scat?
Mike09: Check.
Tom09: Hospital Food?
Mike09: Oh, now, let's not be cruel, Servo.
>> You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.
Mike04: He misspelled his own name again. It's RatLIFF.
Tom15: Rec.arts.tv.mating.marmoset?
Crow09: Runny, Awful, Tiny Mushy Mangoes?
Mike09: Red Army Tanks, Minus Men?
Tom09: Ratliff's Animosity Towards My Mission?
Crow09: Shouldn't that be "Twoards"?
All13: All hail ratmm!
Crow13: Who's ratmm, anyway?
Mike13: I dunno, but if it's critical of Ratliff, it's a friend of ours.
>>
>> Part 02 follows.
Tom08: You mean it hasn't even STARTED yet?
Crow08: We've been through ten of these so far, and I have yet to see
one that starts before Part 2.
Mike08: Or Part 10, for that matter.
>> Parts will be reposted every month on the first
>> tuesday of the month.
Crow07: Reposted?!? Wasn't the first time enough?
Crow08: This thing's gonna rerun more often than "Stewardess School"!
Tom08: NOTHING reruns more often than "Stewardess School."
>> New parts will be posted every tuesday.
Tom02: Remind me to shoot myself on Mondays.
Tom13: Is that a warning or a threat?
Crow15: He plans to cause death and havoc on every Tuesday.
Mike15: [as Tom Baker] Really? How vulgar. No one does anything of
importance on a Tuesday.
>>
>> Stephen Ratliff.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
Crow09: [singing, as Bob Hope] And FAQs --- for the memories....
Crow13: FAQ #1: WHY IS STEPHEN RATLIFF ALLOWED TO WRITE???
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
Mike04: "Jimmy boy, have you ever had a real mint julep?"
- stoned comment of Dr. McCoy,
ST:TOS
Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?
Crow15: Not really....
[cut to commercials]