MiSTed: James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason (1/3)
Roland Warner
me, I bring my latest MiSTing, a sequel to "The James Cameron Conspiracy
Theory", "James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason"! Now, this isn't the same
author as before, but another net.kook with wilder ideas! Hold tight to
your loved ones, because this thing is gonna rock your world! (Or shake
it mildly, depending upon how stable the ground is in your area.)
Roland, where's the beef?, Warner
-----
[Season 9 Theme]
[@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[We open on Mike standing with Tom and Crow, but the bots look
different.
Crow's chest piece is made out of translucent gold panels, and Tom's
barrel
is translucent red, and streamlined.]
Mike: Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson, Satellite of Love. As you can see, I've
done a little bit of retrofitting on the 'bots. Inspired by the recent
success of the "iMac," I've converted the 'bots into more aesthetically
pleasing "iBot" forms.
Crow: Mike, this is great and all, but I feel cheap, like this is all a
shallow, trendy attempt to increase my popularity in the face of other,
more popular, more highly-advertised competitors.
Tom: Yeah, and didn't we agree you weren't going to try repairs on us
anymore? It was bad enough when Joel would dress us up like farm
animals, or make us into the thing with two heads.
Crow: So now we have to wear these completely useless translucent
panels? I
feel so naked... [Crow shivers]
Mike: But guys, it'll increase your appeal, make you easier on the eyes!
And you're available in five fruit flavors!
Tom: Look, just give it up, Nelson! This kind of empty gesture might
pump up Apple's market share, but it won't help our ratings.
Crow: Yeah, next thing you know, you'll be buying commercial time during
the
Super Bowl, telling everyone if they don't watch us, they'll be the only
ones vulnerable to widespread social collapse when the Y2K bug kicks in.
Mike: That's not - Hmmmm. Hey, that might work.
Tom: D'oh! Good one, Crow! Don't give him ideas like that!
[Gypsy suddenly comes in from stage right, with huge translucent purple
side panels.]
Gypsy: I'm grape!
[Gypsy leaves]
Tom: O-o-o-okay, that's it, I'm outta here.
[Tom whirls away]
Crow: [shaking his head] Shameful little man.
[Mads' Light flashes.]
Mike: *sigh* Faith Popcorn and her two unpopped kernels are calling.
[Mike hits the button.]
[CF]
[Castle Forrester has been converted into a small theater and a group of
people are sitting in fold-out chairs with headphones on. Pearl is
standing
in front of them, speaking into a microphone.]
Pearl: Hello, and welcome to the introduction of "TheatreVision", the
brand new technology which allows even the blind to enjoy the
unbelievable crap Hollywood produces every year! [Aside to Mike and
the Bots.] Oh - hi, iLosers. I've finally found something worth
investing in! Inspired by your conspiracy rant today, I've
introduced these blind folks to "TheatreVision", a new invention
that'll describe everything going on in what you're about to watch!
They'll even hear your comments and everything. And once they're
done, I'll control their minds and take over the world!
[SoL]
Tom: You're going to take over the world with a handful of visually
impaired people?
[CF]
Pearl: No, you little red nimrod! I'll have the technology installed in
theaters around the country! Alls I have to do is tell them it gives
the the excuse to jack up the price of Goobers and soft drinks!
Anyway, today's conspiracy is one you should know quite well - it's
called "James Cameron - 33rd Degree Freemason"! That's right!
More Conspiracy with only half the Cameron and more crap! [Back to
the audience.] So, without further ado, sit back and -
[An Audience Member raises his hand.]
Pearl: *sigh* What is it?
Steve: Where's the free all-you-can-eat buffet you promised?
Pearl: That can wait! Just sit down and listen!
[Observer rushes in.]
Observer: STOP! Pearl, you can't do this! I refuse to just sit here
and
allow you to torture these poor innocent people with something *this*
horrible!
Pearl: Since when did you develop a conscience, Whitey?
Observer: You don't understand - I've seen this! It showed up on my
home
planet many eons ago - something to do with elctromagnetism and
microwaves or something. Anyway, it drove poor Observer mad! It
took not only Observer and Observer, but Observer to restrain him!
Pearl: Oooh, that makes it the perfect choice then, doesn't it?
Observer: No! I refuse to allow this! No one should be subjected to
this!
Not even those ninnies up there!
Pearl: Brain Guy, you're *ruining* this for everyone!
[She grabs his braindish and tosses it out the window.]
Observer: NO! By all the moons over Fla- ah. Um. Heh. I like leaves.
I'm
going to go sort my poison ivy collections now.
[Observer ambles off and Pearl turns to the screen and smiles evilly.]
[SoL]
[Mike has a screwdriver out and all three bots are back to their normal
forms.]
Crow: Jeez, Mike, all of a sudden, I feel plain and unappealing.
Tom: Yeah, Mike. Those side panels made me feel more aerodynamic... and
taller, too!
Mike: You guys are never happy, are you?
[Lights flash, Chaos ensues.]
Mike: Great, and now we've got Conspiracy.Sign!
[*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@]
[Mike carries Tom into the theater, followed by Crow and places Tom on
his
seat.]
> JAMES CAMERON - 33RD DEGREE FREEMASON
Mike: It's 33 degrees freemason out, but the wind chill actually makes
it
feel like minus 15 degrees freemason.
Tom: Aw, man, I'll never figure out the metric system if they keep
changing
the terminology like that!
>
> In the James Cameron Conspiracy Theory, it was symbolically proven that
> James Cameron, director of the Terminator films, Aliens, the Abyss, True
> Lies and Titanic is a 33rd Degree Freemason.
Crow: I hope you took notes, you will be quizzed.
> In the tradition of
> Freemasonry,
Tom: ...bricks were cemented together, and there was no charge.
> 33rd degree Masons have access to priveleged information
> regarding the workings of world events and knowledge that is hidden from
> the public.
Crow: They know what brand of cigar Clinton uses.
Tom: They know what was supposed to be going on with "The X-Files"
Mike: They know what Madonna's original hair color was.
Tom & Crow: Wow!!!!
>
> After being instated as a 33rd Degree Freemason in a brief ceremony before
> the Academy Awards on March 23rd, 1998 in the Shrine Auditorium in Los
> Angeles,
Crow: Apparently, all of the World Domination awards were given out
before
the televised portion.
Tom: Well, it's a tight show.
> Cameron has spent his free time being initiated into the secrets
> of the fraterinity and being assisted by other 33rd Degree Freemasons.
> Recent events prove this for a fact.
Mike: [Writers] But I'm going to ignore those and offer completely
meaningless coincidences as proof instead.
>
> On Thursday November 5th, in Houston, Texas, the Loews Cineplex Spectrum
> theatre hosted an event marking the debut of TheatreVision technology in
> that city.
Crow: The event was marked by a barbecue, turkey shoot, and the raising
of
the price of crude oil to $38.75 a barrel.
> TheatreVision technology allows blind persons to listen to a
> narration of events taking place on the screen in-between moments of
> dialogue and during action sequences.
Mike: Yeah, let's describe Bruce Willis's big, meaty, sullen face in
excruciating detail so even the blind can be annoyed by "Armageddon"!
>
> The event was arranged by RP International, a charitable group that helps
> the blind.
Crow: See?!? See how sinister they are, out helping the blind and all!?
> Three of the films screen during this event were "Titanic",
> "Quest for Camelot" and "Mulan". Titanic began running on the projectors at
> 3:33 PM.
Mike: That must have been fun. [Narrator] Sinking. Still sinking.
You may
want to get a snack.
>
> Attendees at this event included the founder of RP International
> Helen Harris, who's organization combats retinitis pigmentosa a
> degenerative eye disease,
Mike: Obviously, a base villain!
> director James Cameron and former President
> George Bush.
Tom: [Narrator] "Dan Quayle was invited, but was unable to spell
'Houston'
in the note to his mother."
> This event was part of a Theatre Vision "Festival of Light" to
> bring this technology to theatres across America. After the charity event,
> Cameron and Bush were both at a private banquet at the Houston Country
> Club.
Mike: Boy, ya gotta wonder what *that* conversation was like.
Crow: [Bush] Hi. I presided over the fall of communism and a successful
and
popular war, but got my electoral butt whipped by a mealy-mouthed
glad-hander.
Tom: [Cameron] Really? I made a string of plot-impaired, effects-laden
films,
then won an Oscar and married one gorgeous babe after another.
>
> Why is the presence of George Bush so significant?
Tom: A question millions ask every day.
Mike: It keeps Ross Perot from hanging around.
> It's known that
> George Bush was the former director of the CIA in the 1970's,
> Vice-President to Ronald Reagan during the 80's and President of the United
> States from 1988 to 1992.
Mike: What isn't known is that he's currently the president of the
Backstreet
Boys' fan club!
> But it's also known that Bush is a 33rd Degree
> Freemason, member of both the Council on Foreign Relations and the
> Trilateral Commission
Crow: Yeah, baby! Let's kick this conspiracy theory off with a bang!
> and a member of the Harvard fraternities known as the
> "Skull and Bones" and "Scroll and Key".
Mike: And "Bubble and Squeak".
Crow: And "Sifl And Olly".
Tom: And "Chief and McCloud".
>
> Another interesting revelation in the James Cameron Conspiracy Theory is
> that MK-ULTRA mind control technology, developed by the CIA in the 1950's
> was embedded into Cameron's films from the beginning of his career to the
> present.
Tom: [MK ULTRA] YOU WILL LIKE CELINE DION.
Mike: There's only so much that a control ray can do.
>
> MK-ULTRA came to an end in 1973 on orders from then CIA Director Richard
> Helms. After Helms left the CIA, George Bush became director under
> President Gerald Ford in 1974.
Crow: Whoa! Too much information!
Mike: Crow, that is NOT what he meant by that.
Crow: Mike, it says right there...
> According to Freedom of Information Act
> Sources, Bush had many files relating to MK-ULTRA and mind control
> technology destroyed or hidden under a new project name called MK-SEARCH.
Mike: Then, in 1997, it went public as the latest web-based search
engine,
"www.MK-SEARCH.com", and now it's worth $500 skadillion.
Crow: "I AM MK-...!"
[Mike puts his hand over Crow's beak.]
>
> When Cameron began his film career at age 30 in the late 1970's, he
> was already a member of the Freemasons from the age of 21, possibly
> introduced to the fraternity by his father, Phillip Cameron.
Mike: [Little James Cameron] Daddy, can I join an evil secret society?
> Since a group
> of Freemasons helped Cameron finance his film projects while they secretly
> embedded MK-ULTRA technology into his films, it's logical to conclude that
> the person controlling MK-ULTRA technology under project MK-SEARCH at that
> time was none other than George Bush, Director of the CIA and a 33rd Degree
> Mason.
Crow: [George Bush] And I would have gotten away with it too, if it
hadn't
been for those meddling kids and their spammer.
>
> Which brings us back to Houston, Texas, November 5th, 1998. Titanic began
> playing at 3:33 PM.
Mike: [Narrator] "Since every single teenage girl in the audience saw
it *twice,* double that number to get 6:66. Need I say more?"
> The timing of the showing of Titanic is symbolic
> because of the presence of "33" in 3:33 which would be symbolic of 33rd
> Degree Freemasons who timed the event.
Crow: Hi! We're a sinister global conspiracy, but we're a *fun-loving*
sinister global conspiracy! That's why we're leaving a series of subtle
clues for you to find!
Mike: Yeah, I can just picture the old projectionist in the booth
hitting
his chest, giving an arcane salute, and saying, "I hail you, Dark Lord
Cameron!"
>
> According to Helen Harris, Titanic was the "first" film in Theatre
> Vision in which the director has described his own work.
Tom: Which explains why blind people were falling asleep in droves.
> In the
> conspiracy theory about Cameron, it described how Dr. Donald Ewen Cameron,
Tom: This conspiracy has two - two - two Camerons in one!
> the father of MK-ULTRA would record his voice and play it to patients as a
> form of mind control. Could James Cameron's voice overs in Titanic be used
> for the same purposes, for mind control?
Mike: Well, that would give the movie a sense of *purpose*.
>
> Theatre Vision theatres provide special head phones to the blind which
> allows them to listen to the film and the voice overs describing action.
Mike: They tried special glasses first, but, all things considered,
found
that plan to be of limited use.
> Harris had also stated that people who aren't sight impaired are using the
> headsets provided and don't put them down. Perhaps a clue to the power of
> subliminal voice patterns being introduced into this technology?
Tom: Perhaps a clue to what lazy asses people are?
> Could this
> be the reason George Bush attended this event, to see the fruitition of a
> new generation of MK-ULTRA mind control technology being used on the
> unsuspecting public?
Crow: Actually, Barbara was just trying to get him out of the house so
she
could get some cleaning done.
>
> Eventually, the plan of Theatre Vision and Helen Harris is to embed
> this technology into every motion picture in theatres and on video.
Mike: What a devious plan! This is almost as sinister as
closed-captioning!
> Harris described the introduction of this technology to the film industry
> as "an enlightening experience". An obvious Freemasonic reference, which
> may make Harris a member of the Order of the Eastern Star, the Freemasonic
> women's organization.
Tom: Yeah, instead of world domination, these Masons knit quilts and
have
hat parties.
>
> The adaption of the motion picture business to cater to the needs of the
> sight impaired is a noble cause, but is it being twisted for alterior
> purposes
Mike: "Alterior"?
Tom: Maybe he means for "alternator purposes", and Cameron's going
into the
car parts business.
> behind the scenes by 33rd Degree Freemason George Bush as part of
> a conditioning process to prepare the public for the coming New World
> Order?
Crow: So, the CIA is using vast resources and black ops in order to
promote
wrestling? No wonder they missed India's nuclear testing.
All: [Announcer] Are you ready for Hulkamania?!?
>
> Since Freemasonry consists of two factions known as the Law of One and the
> Sons of Belial, the struggle for the outcome of the future is constantly
> being fought between them.
Crow: Republicans and Democrats.
Mike: No honey, don't give him any ideas...
> James Cameron has been proven to be a member of
> the Law of One by his actions in the James Cameron Conspiracy Theory and
> that his early career was nearly taken over by the Sons of Belial who tried
> to corrupt Cameron.
Mike: [Belial Leader] Jimmy, come to the Dark Side! Together we shall
become
an unstoppable team and rule the universe!
Tom: [Cameron] I'll never join you!
> While Cameron was writing the script for the film
> "Strange Days", his research led him to the truth of his manipulation by
> the Sons of Belial and his turning towards the Law of One.
Tom: Too bad it didn't lead him to write a decent script for "Strange
Days".
>
> The actions of George Bush proved which side he was on.
Tom: The side of the nerds.
> He helped destroy
> and change records regarding MK-ULTRA mind control technology back in the
> 1970's as Director of the CIA.
Crow: Later, he became Vice President and just didn't have the time for
that
sort of hobby.
> Bush is alleged to have been involved in the
> smuggling of drugs from Central America to the U.S. in conjunction with the
> Iran/Contra scandal from the 1980's and was the person who publicly uttered
> the words "New World Order" in front of the entire world.
Crow: Then he flew off the turnbuckle and clotheslined The Giant!
Mike: Huh?
Tom: More wrestling stuff Mike, don't worry your little coconut about
it.
> It's obvious he
> is a member of the Sons of Belial faction.
Crow: I figured it out! This guy's Ross Perot!
Mike: C'mon, Crow! This guy's not Perot, he's just a paranoid
delusional
with strange ideas and an agenda against - George - Bush...
[Long Pause]
Crow: You were saying?
Mike: Never mind.
>
> Another point that was made in the James Cameron Conspiracy Theory was the
> use of MK-ULTRA in the motion picture field being used for the purposes of
> conditioning the human race for the arrival of extra-terrestrials.
Tom: So, it's George Bush's fault that we get stuck with all of these
lousy
50's movies?
> Have you
> ever wondered why the UFO craze began in the 1950's, a time that was only
> three years after the crash of the spacecraft in Roswell, New Mexico in
> 1947, a time when Joseph McCarthy was witch hunting suspected communists
> and early MK-ULTRA research was being performed on unwitting human subjects
> by the CIA in Canada?
Mike: That was a lot to ask in one sentance.
Tom: Par for the course with this guy.
> For the ultimate purpose of conditioning the human
> race to be subjugated by a large event beyond their control, an
> extra-terrestrial invasion that will bring the world into the New World
> Order as envisioned by the Sons of Belial faction of Freemasonry.
Mike: Yeah, I know I was lulled into a false sense of security by
"Earth
vs. the Flying Saucers" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space."
>
> In March of 1997, a large extra-terrestrial spacecraft appeared
> over Phoenix, Arizona, more commonly known as the "Phoenix Lights".
Crow: All the regnerative power of our regular immortal bird, but with
only a third of the firey plumage.
> James Cameron was inducted as a 32nd Degree Freemason at the main
> Freemasonic Lodge in Phoenix and at this time learned of a "coming event"
> that will have serious reprecussions for the city of Phoenix and for the
> world.
Tom: But mostly for the city of Phoenix.
Crow: As I always suspected, the Apocalypse will begin in Phoenix.
> The lights were dismissed in the media by the Sons of Belial as
> "military flares". It's a common tactic to cover up extra-terrestrial
> visitations as "military experiments" and has been used since the Roswell
> crash in 1947.
Mike: I dunno, Yeah, fifty years is an awful long time for one flare to
last.
>
> This "coming event" was revealed to the Freemasons in Phoenix, Arizona as
> the arrivial of extra-terrestrials who will betray the trust of humanity,
> destroy the city of Phoenix and cause massive environmental changes all
> over the Earth.
Mike: And use your toothbrushes without permission!
Tom: Rip tags off of mattresses!
Crow: Never remember to flush!
> James Cameron, as a 32nd Degree Freemason, wasn't supposed
> to know this information, which explains why he was inducted as a 33rd
> Degree Freemason at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles with an informal
> ceremony.
Mike: What? He discovered thier secret plans and they promoted him?
Crow: What a bunch of wusses.
Tom: Yeah, if it was my secret organization I'd have killed his pasty
butt.
> Cameron's induction took place in a small room inside the Shrine
> while celebrities and movie stars were filing inside for the March 23rd,
> 1998 Academy Awards. Cameron would formally become a 33rd Degree Freemason
> at The Supreme Council 33° Temple in Washington, D.C. on his birthday.
Tom: [Willard Scott] It's currently 33 degrees in our nation's capital,
and
let's send birthday wishes out to Enid Torgeson of Brainerd, Minnesota,
who
is 100 years young today! Also, let's all hail our dark lord James
Cameron,
who's also celebrating a birthday today!
> Cameron had hinted at what he knew when he accepted the best picture Oscar
> for "Titanic". In his acceptance speech, he said the "future is unknowable,
> the unthinkable can happen and that life is precious".
Mike: Yes, and his stupid "I'm the king of the world" outburst was
equally
filled with secret meaning.
>
> In regards to the arrival of extra-terrestrials and the destruction of
> Phoenix, Arizona, the SETI(Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence)
> Institute detected a signal in the direction of the star called EQ Pegasi
> in the Pegasus Constellation in September of 1998.
Tom: Signaling the arrival of the Mighty Hercules and his goofy little
centaur,
Newton.
Crow: Uh-oh, Daedalus must be up to something.
>
> The SETI institute dismissed the signal and no attention was paid
> to it until an amateur radio astronomer named Paul Dore in England
> picked up the same signal.
Tom: Turns out it was Radio Free Tattooine. Go figure.
> A series of strange events ranging from a called
> off press conference, a SETI denial and then support of the theory of the
> signal, intimidation of Mr. Dore by the NSA and disinformation put out in
> the press has been decoded with Freemasonic symbolism by Richard C.
> Hoagland of the Enterprise Mission. This became known as the EQ Pegasus
> Saga.
Crow: And somehow, this led to the movie "Contact".
Mike: Cameron didn't direct that. Wasn't involved with it in any way.
Tom: Yeah, but "Contact" starred Jodie Foster, who was in "The Accused"
with
Kelly McGillis, who was in "Top Gun" with Meg Ryan, who was in
"Sleepless in
Seattle" with Tom Hanks, who was in "Apollo 13" with Ed Harris, who was
in "The
Abyss", which *was* a movie directed by James Cameron! Whaddaya think
of *that*?!?
Mike: I think you've been spending too much time at the IMDb.
>
> According to Hoaglands decoding of this symbology, the name Pegasus is
> symbolic of "death" and is represented by a "horse with wings".
Crow: Boy, imagine having to clean off your windshield after a flock of
*those* go over!
> Hoagland
> pointed out that many symbols dealing with Pegasus are used in corporate
> entities have relation to this behind the scenes symbology including Mobil
> Oil.
Mike: [ominously] And, of course.... My Little Pony.
>
> In the James Cameron Conspiracy theory it stated that the name for
> the movie "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" was symbolic of "destruction
> that is coming that is beyond control".
Mike: And just think of all the poor saps who think it's symbolic of
being a sequel to a movie called "The Terminator".
> The film was distributed in the
> U.S. by Tri-Star Pictures. Guess what their logo is? A white horse with
> wings. In symbolic terms: "Pegasus" or death.
Tom: Evident in the way they went bankrupt then sold out to Sony.
Mike: Hey, the door's open! Let's get out of here while we can!
[Mike picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.]
[@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[Tom is standing in the center, with Mike standing to his right. That's
Tom's
right, not the reader's right. No, that's Tom's left! Okay, raise both
your hands
in the air. Good, now, drop the one on your right. See that hand still
up?
That's Tom's right. Look, I know it's your left, but since Tom is-aw,
hell,
Mike's standing stage left!]
Mike: Phew, glad we got that settled. So, what did you want, Tom?
Tom: Well Mike, in the spirit of today's sequel to "The James Cameron
Conspiracy Theory", "James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason", I present to
you the new,
improved, "Mystery Science Theater 4000" to be debuted on the "Mexican
Off-Road
Monster Truck Wrestling Network"!
Mike: New and improved? But everything's fine just the way it is!
Tom: Yeah, I guess so, but haven't you noticed we've been having some
problems
with the network ever since new management took over? Well, if this
doesn't raise
our ratings, we'll hafta move to a new network and this might just help
us out!
Mike: Okay, I'll play along for now. What're the new improvements?
Tom: [Announcer Voice] I present to you, the new Crow!
[Crow jumps up from under the counter. We see our little gold friend
has,
in fact, become out little blue friend - he's still the same old Crow,
but
he's been entirely painted a loud, neon blue.]
Crow: Here I am! The all new, all diff- hey, waitasecond! Why aren't
any
of you different?
Tom: Um, that'll take a little bit of explaining.
Crow: You said that *everything* would change, not just me!
Tom: No can do , Crow! Marketing tests prove Mike and I attract more
female viewers. Women are attracted to my free-spirited nature and
handsome figure! Don't ask me how Mike does it - I guess the poor
clod here shows women what not to look for in a man.
Mike: Hey!
Tom: Anyway, most people commented that the only thing of yours that
affects the show is your voice, and changing it might confuse long-
time viewers.
Crow: So why do I got the blues?
Tom: This way, you'll attract more male viewers, since blue is the
universal color of men!
Mike: You really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you Tom?
Tom: You betcha, Mike! I mean, someone's got to make the improvements
around here and, well, quite frankly, I haven't exactly seen *you*
contributing anything!
Mike: Hold on, that's kind of an unfair judgement. Back on Earth, I
was-
[Lights flash, chaos ensues.]
Mike: I'll tell you later, we've got MASON.SIGN!!