[MiSTied]: 'Encounters' (6/6)

[hei...@imap2.asu.edu]

[Continued from Part 5]

> From news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-
> state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625 Wed Oct 4 14:17:01
> 1995
> Path: news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-
> state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625
> From: fh...@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Douglas A. Wu)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Encounters: Act III Part II
> Date: 30 Sep 1995 14:31:44 GMT
> Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)

Crow: Are you sure about that last part?

> Lines: 372
> Message-ID: <44jkcg$a...@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: piglet.ins.cwru.edu
>
>
> Space Shot.
>
> The Shuttle Warping.

Mike: Oh, *no*! It *is* 'Twisted'!
[all]: Aauugghh!

>
> The Shuttle is orbiting the Planet with the Cardassian Weapons
> Development Facility.

Crow: That Jack built.

>
> Inside the Shuttle.

Tom [child's voice]: Moooom! Billy's hitting me!
Crow [as Picard]: You kids be quiet, or I'm turning this shuttle right
around!

>
> Data
>
> Cardassian cruisers in the area haven't detected us. I don't
> think using the shuttle's transporter is a good idea. Cardassian
> sensors on the ground can pick up large energy discharges.

Mike: So they'll just let the shuttle's *warp engines* draw them in.

> I'll
> fly the shuttle under their sensor sweeps to a landing point near
> the base.
>
> The Shuttle lands on a Hill above the Weapons Development
> Facility in a Clearing.

Tom: He's tacking on those prepositional phrases like prize trout now.

>
> The Away Team disembarks.
>
> The away team is facing a difficult situation.

Crow: How to end the story with 350 lines left.

> First Officer
> Data commands the away team. Lieutenant Commander Worf is the
> away team's tactical officer. Admiral Picard and Captain Riker
> insist on freeing the prisoners. Normally, command officers do
> not participate in away team missions.

Mike: Well, *normally* they would've just beamed the Bajorans out, and the
admiral would've picked a ship that worked in the first place, and...

>
> First Officer Data is placed in a difficult position because

Crow: ...with seven people on board, someone had to ride in the trunk.

> it
> his duty is to protect the admiral and the captain at all costs.
> He decides not to openly disagree with his commanding officers.
> Data lets the admiral and the captain free the prisoners.
> Wisely,

Tom: Oh, no! I thought we'd gotten rid of him!
Mike: No, that's *wisely*.

> he has Lieutenant Commander Worf and Dr. Crusher keep an
> eye on them.

Tom [as Data]: Just keep an eye on the admiral, Doctor, don't ogle him!

>
> They look at a Map of the Weapons Development Facility on Worf's
> PDD.

Mike: Oddly, it looks a lot like 'Ultima IV.'

>
> Worf
>
> Cardassians have placed infrared red and motion sensors a few
> meters apart on the perimeter.

Crow: Infrared red?
Mike: That's a special light frequency...only bad fanfic writers can see it.

> Cardassians in watch towers here,
> here, here, and here also monitor the perimeter (He points to the
> map on his PDD.). The only advantage we have over the
> Cardassians is the element of surprise.

Crow: Atomic number 198.
Tom: Atomic weight -2.71828.

>
> Data
>
> Worf and Dr. Crusher, you're with me. We'll penetrate the
> perimeter's security systems and surprise the guards in the
> stockade. Dr. Crusher, the prisoners may need medical attention.

Mike: They might also need to hear some Beatles songs. Why don't you go
reanimate *them* and bring them along too?

> Captain Riker and Lieutenant Commander La Forge, create a
> diversion for us. Admiral Picard, stay near the shuttle with
> Counselor Troi.

Tom [as Picard]: We-hell, if you *insist*!

>
> Picard
>
> No. I'll free the prisoners.
>
> Data
>
> I can't place command officers at risk.
>
> Picard
>
> I'm the one who agreed to the Aridians' request. I don't want to
> put anyone's life at risk on the mission other than my own.

Crow: So, of course, I'm taking the doctor with me.

>
> Riker
>
> I'm with the admiral.
>
> Picard
>
> Will!

Mike: Jean-Luc!
Crow: B. A.!
Mike: Gilligan!
Tom: Chief!
Crow: McCloud!

>
> Riker
>
> Somebody has to keep an eye on you.

Tom [singing]: I only have eyes...for you...
Mike [singing]: He's got Patrick Stewart eyes...

>
> Dr. Crusher
>
> I'll also go. Somebody has to keep an eye on both of you.

Tom [as Beverly]: And Worf can keep an eye on me, and Data on Worf,
and Troi will watch Data and Geordi, and...wait, let's start this over
again.

>
> Worf
>
> We have to go now if we're to maintain the element of surprise.

Crow: After all, it's only got a half-life of two minutes.

>
> Data
>
> All right. Geordi, help me place an explosive charge in the
> facility's ammunition dump. We'll keep our com badges open.

Crow: So that the electronics can fall out?
Mike: No, it's so they can stash cookies for the trip home.

> Counselor Troi, please monitor our communications and the
> shuttle's sensors. Pilot the shuttle away from here if something
> goes wrong with the mission.
>
> Troi
>
> Understood.
>
> She walks up to Worf.

Tom: Makes sense...after all, he's taller than she is.

>
> Troi
>
> Worf, be careful.
>
> Worf
>
> I'm always careful.

Mike: This message brought to you by the Arthur B. DeMoss Foundation.

>
> They Kiss.
>
> First Officer Data and Commander La Forge leave for the Weapons
> Development Facility's Ammunition Dump.

Crow: Known as WD-FAP. It's a code for a new weight of motor oil.

>
> The Others leave for the Stockade.
>
> The situations at the Cardassian weapons development facility are
> action packed. The most successful Star Trek scenarios were
> action packed from the first reel to the last reel.

Tom: They left the audience *reeling*!
Crow: I'm *reel* sorry you said that!

>
> A series of fasted paced situations and dramatic music

Crow: Consisting of low throbbing noises...

> characterizes the third act. In other words, the action in the
> Cardassian weapons development facility travels at warp speed.

[Half-hearted laughter from all.]

> The audience members' adrenaline will be flowing and their hearts
> pumping at this point in the scenario.

Mike: And their veins clogging...and their heads throbbing...

>
> The Starfleet officers do not talk much during the action
> sequences.

Tom: Awwww. I was hoping to see Worf examine his true inner feelings
while kicking butt.

> They communicate volumes just by looking at each
> other. Think of the away team as soldiers on a mission.

Crow [as President Bush]: Saddam Hussain must be stopped.

>
> At the Ammunition Dump.
>
> Data
>
> I've set the charge to detonate in 15 minutes. We'll wait for
> the others at the shuttle.
>
> Admiral Picard, Captain Riker, Dr. Crusher, and Lieutenant
> Commander Worf disable the Security System on the Perimeter

Tom: They...do some stuff. You know. We'll let the props people figure
it out.

>
> They head for the Stockade.

Mike [as Colonel Klink]: Hogaaannn!

>
> The Charge detonates.
>
> Inside an Office.
>
> The Cardassian Intelligence Officer is talking to a Subordinate.
>
> He hears a Large Noise.

Tom: Oops...sorry. Lentils.

>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> What was that noise?
>
> His Subordinate looks out the Window and sees the Explosion.

Mike: The Population Explosion.
Tom: The Music Explosion.

>
> Subordinate
>
> The ammunition dump just exploded and guards are running to it.
>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> Somebody's trying free the prisoners.

Crow: Trying free?
Mike: Well, you tie them up, then try them free.
Tom [singing]: Trrryyyyy...frrreee....!

> I want all available
> guards to surround the stockade.
>
> Admiral Picard, Captain Riker and Lieutenant Commander Worf
> overpower the Guards in the Stockade.

Crow: By having Worf take off his boots.

>
> Dr. Crusher gets an Electronic Key from an injured Guard

[Tom gives pitchpipe tone.]

> and
> frees the Prisoners.
>
> Dr. Crusher (Talking to the Prisoners.)
>
> Are you all right?
>
> Prisoners (In Unison.)
>
> You're Starfleet officers?

Crow: It's Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills in 'The Bajoran Trap!'

>
> Troi (On Com Net.)
>
> Save the introductions for later. Guards are heading your way.

Mike: What if they want to be introduced too?

>
> At the Shuttle.
>
> Clearly, being first officer of Enterprise may require him or her
> to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Tom: Hawking Star Trek merchandise on QVC?

> First Officer Data's death
> provides an opportunity for a dramatic climax to the scenario.

Crow: Or it will when you don't tell the audience ahead of time. Trust
me on this.

>
> He looks down the hill and sees Admiral Picard, Enterprise's
> senior officers and the Bajorans running for their lives.

Mike [singing]: Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow
me down...

> They
> are not going to make it in his judgment. He rushes the
> Cardassians as the others make a run for it. A Cardassian trains
> his weapon on First Officer Data and fires. He goes down in a
> heap. Commander La Forge and Counselor Troi run to him.

Crow [British accent]: It's only a flesh wound...

>
> Data
>
> Are they safe?
>
> La Forge
>
> Yes. Data, what have you done?
>
> Data
>
> Some things are worth dying for. Geordi, what do you think of my
> judgment?

[All together, Mike making OK sign with hand]: It stinks!

>
> La Forge
>
> Data, hang in there. I'll find a way to repair the damage.
>
> Troi
>
> It's too late. He's experiencing a total systems failure.

Mike: What, suddenly Ms. Non-o-tech is an expert in cybernetics?

>
> La Forge
>
> Data!

Tom: Must...plot data...before *urg*...grant...runs out...*ugh*! [He flops
over]

>
> Data
>
> Don't grieve for me Geordi, my friend. I...I did what had to be
> done. You would've done the same for me. I...I must rest now.
>
> La Forge
>
> No, No.

[All singing]: No. No no no no nonononono...

>
> First Officer Data's Eyes close.

Crow: And what were the Cardassians going this whole time? Having a
picnic? Congratulating the one who shot Data?

>
> Counselor Troi holds Chief Engineer La Forge's Hand as they run
> to the Shuttle.

Tom [as LaForge]: Just tell me one more time--why couldn't we have beamed
them out?

>
> At the Shuttle.
>
> Riker
>
> Hurry up. Sensors are picking up a Cardassian cruiser.

Mike: I've told those sensors time and again...no hitchhikers!

>
> They run aboard the Shuttle.
>
> The Shuttle Takes Off.
>
> Captain Riker and Dr. Crusher pilot the Shuttle.

Crow: Crusher's piloting? They're dead.

>
> In the Shuttle.
>
> Riker
>
> I'll keep the cruiser off our backs by piloting the shuttle into
> warp space as soon as it breaks

Tom: Fragile shuttle, that.

> the planet's gravitational field.

Tom: Oh.

>
> The Shuttle goes to Warp with a Cardassian Cruiser in Pursuit.
>
> In the Shuttle.
>
> The away team sits in the shuttle with tattered clothes and long

Mike: ...hair. One gets out a lyrette, and they talk of finding Eden.
Crow: EdenMOO?
Mike: Ahhh...no.

> faces. The away team in the shuttle resembles battered soldiers
> after a mission. The mood in the shuttle is somber.
>
> The exhausted away team freed the Bajorans but First Officer Data
> died in the process.

[All sarcastically]: Noooo, really?

> Also, they are not sure if they have
> convinced the Aridians humanity is no longer primitive and
> savage.
>
> Deanna, Worf and the Bajorans are talking among Themselves.

Crow: They've all gone schizophrenic!

>
> Picard
>
> Geordi, I'm so sorry.
>
> La Forge
>
> We wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for his heroism today.

Mike [as Picard]: Geordi, it's always hard when a friend dies for cheap shock
value in a lame attempt to cover plot weaknesses.

>
> Riker
>
> Captain's Log. Commander Data, my first officer on Enterprise,
> is one of the best Starfleet officers I know. Today, he
> sacrificed his life in the line of duty. I'd like his's death

Crow: His's?
Mike: Androids have special pronouns.

> noted in the log. No wait...Computer, list him as missing.

Tom: For no reason.
Mike: Except to tie this fanfic, once again, to an Original Series episode.
Crow: Captain's prerogative--perjure the log.
Tom: And by the way...
Tom and Crow: Fanboy! Faaaanboy!

>
> Enterprise fills the Shuttle's Viewports.
>
> The Shuttle lands in the Shuttle Bay.

Mike: With a tremendous splash!

>
> Bridge.
>
> The Bridge Turbolift's Doors open. The Away Team enters and
> takes their Positions.
>
> Security Officer Sowards
>
> The Aridians' ship is hailing us.
>
> Riker
>
> Viewscreen.
>
> Aridians (On Viewscreen.)
>
> Admiral Picard, we've misjudged humanity.

Mike [as Aridian]: Your attack on that Cardassian base proves to us that
you're peaceful.

> It's longer an
> inferior, primitive and savage race. Humanity has as much a
> right to live in peace and freedom as we do. We'll look for an
> uninhabited planet to colonize. We've repaired the one called
> Data in a gesture of good will.
>
> First Officer Data, who has a New Face,

Tom: At least Brent Spiner is spared the final indignity.

> materializes on the
> Bridge.
>
> Everyone stares at him in Amazement.

Crow [British accent]: Data...you're back!
Tom [ditto]: What's wrong with it?
Crow [same]: I don't mean your back. I mean, you're back!
Tom [same]: Have you had a bump on the head?
Crow [same]: A bump on the head?!

>
> Picard
>
> What happened to you?
>
> Data
>
> I don't know.

Tom [as Data]: All I remember is this little shuttle in a box marked
'hamdingers.'
Mike: Where? Where?!
Tom: Oops. Heh...sorry Mike.
Mike: Someday, Tom...someday...

>
> Space Shot.
>
> The Ark and Enterprise depart.
>
> Bridge.

Crow: Over the River Kwai.

>
> Riker (Talking to Admiral Picard.)
>
> Admiral Picard, do you want to return to Earth?
>
> Picard
>
> I'm going to ask Starfleet for my captaincy back. Will, humanity
> needs me out here.

Tom: Humanity needs you to retire, cue-ball.

>
> Riker
>
> Are you going to ask Starfleet for command of Enterprise?
>
> Picard
>
> Will, she's your ship. I'll be happy if they let me command a
> supply ship.

[All snicker.]
Crow: Yeah, right. He's probably thinking, 'You're going down, you jazz-
playing, empath-loving, beard-growing failure of a Kirk ripoff!'

>
> Picard (Talking to Dr. Crusher.)
>
> Beverly, I believe I owe you a date.
>
> Dr. Crusher (Smiling.)
>
> Let's get started right away.

Tom: Hey, hey, you two! Take it to a room!

>
> Riker
>
> Enterprise hasn't had a proper shakedown.

[all singing]: Shakedown, breakdown, you're busted!

> Ensign, after we
> transfer the Bajorans to DS9 aim for the first star you see...
> The first star you see and straight on 'till morning.

Mike: By which time the ship has long since gone through the core and been
destroyed in a fiery explosion.

>
> Wide Shot of the Bridge Crew.
>
> Both Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher, who are standing next to
> Admiral Picard, are smiling.

Crow [as Troi]: Randy witch.
Tom [as Crusher]: Pathetic troll.
Crow [as Troi]: Who's pathetic? *You're* the one who keeps begging
Picard a date!
Tom [as Crusher]: At least I'm not trying to tie Worf to my apron strings!
Mike: That's enough, you two.

>
> Enterprise sets a Course for Deep Space.
>
> Soaring Music in the Background.

Crow: Soaring Idiocy in the Foreground.

>
> Roll Credits.
>

Mike: Roll Tide!
Tom: Roll me outta here!

[Mike picks up Tom, and they and Crow leave the theater.]

[*...1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL--all three standing--leaning, really--against the desk. They're panting
as if they've been exerting themselves immensely.]

Tom: Whew! That was a marathon-and-a-half!
Mike: You're telling me?! What *is* it with Star Trek fans that makes them
think they have to write epics?
Crow: First 'Treklander,' then the Marrissa saga, now this! Dr. F. really has
it in for us!
Mike: Maybe. But it's over now--thank goodness.
Tom: Say Mike...there's something that's been bothering me since the beginning
of this fanfic.
Mike: And what's that?
Tom: What was the deal with those aliens...those Ardrians, Aardvarks...
Mike: Aridians.
Tom: Whatever. Why were they so intent on taking over the Earth and saving
humans from themselves?
Mike: Well, Tom, some humans...and, I guess, some aliens...are inveterate
meddlers. They have this innate need to run other people's lives for
them. I guess they somehow get the notion that they can do it better.
Crow: That's what makes the ending of this fanfic so hokey.
Mike: Exactly, Crow. *Real* meddlers would *never* have given up so easily.
Tom: I guess that means Flora's still at it...
Mike: Probably. Let's check. [He hits the Mad's light.]

[Deep 13]

[Flora has Dr. F. backed up in a corner and is talking earnestly with him.]

Flora: I don't wish to intrude, Cousin Clayton, and certainly I don't wish to
take this wonderful place away from you. After all, I know nothing
about conducting horrifying experiments and imprisoning people.
But you don't seem happy here. What would make you happy?
What would you rather be doing?
Dr. F: Nothing! I'm *fine* right here!
Flora: Oh, come now, cousin. Everyone has regrets. Surely there's *something*
you gave up long ago and now wish you hadn't.
Dr. F: Well...
Flora: I thought so. Tell me--perhaps I can help you.
Dr. F: Well...there *is* something that would make me happier...

[A sudden commotion at the door. It opens and the entire Forrester clan streams
through and gathers around Dr. Forrester.]

Dr. F: What's going on? I thought you'd all decided to [sarcastic] change your
lives for the better.
Uncle Phil: We had. But then I got to thinking...I haven't squeezed nearly
enough money out of this business yet. If I retire now, I won't have
enough to pay for the medical expenses my ulcers create, let alone
enough to support these kids of mine.
Phil, Jr: Yeah!
Uncle Phil: 'Sides, if I give the business to Junior now, he'll only screw it
up.
Phil, Jr: Yea--hey!
Christine: And I decided that if Jay can't love me the way I am, I'll find
someone who can, and good riddance to him!
Mrs. F: And I couldn't *possibly* abandon my Clayton right now...
Dr. F: Yes you could!
Uncle Phil: So we all came back to make sure the same thing didn't happen
to you.

[Dr. Forrester whispers something to Uncle Phil.]

Uncle Phil: Uh, huh...uh, huh...that's a *great* idea!

[Dr. Forrester and Uncle Phil grab Flora by the arms and propel her off to the
side.]

Flora [off-stage]: Hey! What's going on?

[Much sound and commotion from off stage. Dr. F and Uncle Phil come back,
looking enormously pleased.]

[SOL]

Mike: See what I mean, Tom? It's not a good idea to meddle in other people's
lives--even with the best of intentions, it usually backfires.
Crow: But you meddle in *our* lives all the time!
Mike: I do not!
Crow: Sure you do. You keep telling us to clean the load-pan bays, help Gypsy
with her work...
Mike: That is *not* meddling! That's getting you to do your chores.
Crow: I don't see the difference...
Tom: Enough, you guys--something's not right here. [to monitor] Umm...Dr.
Forrester...what did you *do* with her?

[Deep 13]

[The Forrester clan looks back at the monitor, all grinning knowingly.]

[SOL]

[All three slowly shake their heads.]

Mike: You didn't.
Tom: You *couldn't*!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Could and did.
Uncle Phil: Fabulous idea, Clay. I guess this mad science work of yours isn't
so bad after all!
Dr. F: Would you like to push the button, Uncle Phil?
Uncle Phil: I'd be honored to, Clay. [He pushes the button Dr. F. points out.]

*Fwoosh!*

[voice-over of Flora]: You don't seem very happy here, Mike. What can I do
to help? Is it these robots that bother you? And you know, you
*could* use the time between posts to fulfill your life...perhaps
even make a career for yourself. Maybe we could provide cable
service...I know some *wonderful* TV technicians...
[voice-over of Mike]: Oh, boy...

MST3K and its characters are the property of Best Brains...and the actors,
of course, are the properties of themselves. Star Trek and its characters are
the property of Paramount. The host segments are drawn fairly heavily from
the movie 'Cold Comfort Farm,' copyright 1995 BBC Films. It is, by the
way, a *very* good movie, and I urge you all to see it. No infringement upon
any of these institutions is intended by this MiSTing. Nor is any insult
intended on Douglas Alfred Wu. I'm sure my own forey into sci-fi writing
(for English class many moons ago) could be MiSTied just as savagely. This
is meant only in good, clean fun.

--
Sarah Heiner hei...@asu.edu
Arizona State University
MSTie #53681

| Top Ten Tempe Butte Amusing Comments |
| (These are from reports written by geology lab students.) |
| |
| 6. Sudenly, crouching on exposed sandstone, the instructor |
| reached behind her back and pulled from a holster some- |
| thing that looked like some kind of tri-corder. Cool. |