MiSTing: Is There a Doctor on Board (3 of 3)

[Juliet A. Youngren]

CONTINUED FROM PART 2 (NATURALLY) ...

>
> "Have they gone?" asked Rimmer nervously.
> "No chance." Replied Lister as he slumped into the captain's
> chair. "Have you seen the Cat anywhere?"

Crow: [monotone] It was much better than the Cat. I will see it
again and again.

> "No, we, er that is I've taken stock of the situation."

Mike: 100 shares of IBM.

> "Aye, from inside the cupboard." Said Jamie

Tom: Oho! And just how does *he* know?

> coming into the drive
> room with the Doctor. The Doctor

Mike: Doctor Spock?

> appeared thoughtful for a moment
> before he turned to face the others. "Gentlemen, I've been
> talking to your computer

Crow: [Doctor] And it's a much better conversationalist than any of
you.

> and I fear you are in grave peril, what
> is more the whole universe could be in danger."
> "What do you mean Doc?" Asked Lister scratching his neck.

Tom: [as Lister] Is this mole getting bigger?

> "See for yourself." Replied the Doctor. "Call your computer."

Mike: Sooooooo-eeee!
Crow: Here, 'puter, 'puter, 'puter ...

> "Hol."

Tom: -landaise?
Mike: Stop that.

> Called Lister.
> Holly's face appeared on the screen behind the captain's chair.

Tom: [Lister] Quit reading over my shoulder!

> "Yes Dave, what can I do for you?" Asked Holly, the lightbulbs in
> his ears flashing as he spoke and the sink plunger on his
> forehead was raised.

Crow: Is that a plunger on your forehead, or are ...
Mike: It was funny the first time, Crow.

> "What's with the gear then Holly?"
> "What gears that then?"

Mike: What gears that where cogs then?

> Asked Holly, his sink plunger droopin
> towards the bottom of the screen.

Crow: [falsetto] That's OK. We can still cuddle.

> "The plunger and the lightbulbs in your ears!"

Tom: I thought the plunger was on his forehead.

> "Oh those." Answered Holly "I was hoping you wouldn't notice
> them. Those Dalek things are interfering with my circuits, trying
> to take me over."

Mike: [Holly] I was hoping they would succeed. I've always wanted to
be a tool of evil alien beings.

> "Yes." Said the Doctor "The Daleks want your ship for some
> purpose as yet unknown to me, and to get it they have to take
> control of your computer."

Crow: One of the seven original sci-fi plots in the world.

> "WEELLL, if that's their game, I say what the hell, let them have
> it." Said Rimmer flashing

All: GYAAAAAH!

> an ingratiating smile at the time
> travelers. "Oh and if you and Jamie could just drop me and Listie
> off somewhere we would really appreciate it."

Mike: [Doctor] I am *not* "The Doctor's Taxi Service!"

> "Hold on one second Rimmer." Said Lister as he jumped out of the
> captain's chair. "What about the Cat and Holly,

Tom: Sounds like a British pub.

> you can't just
> leave them and save your own skin."
> "Why not" asked Rimmer.

Crow: Because you're a hologram and you don't have any skin.

> "Because the whole universe could be at risk if the Daleks get
> control of your ship, that's why not." Interjected the Doctor.

Mike: Shouldn't that be 'injected?'

> "Aye, the Doctors right.

Crow: More than one Doctor? It's 'The Five Doctors' again!

> If them Dalek beasties get control
> there's no telling where it will end, me and the Doctor

Tom: Hmmm, I see grammar was not high on the list of subjects taught
in 18th century Scotland.

> have seen
> their evil before.
> So what shall we do now then Doctor?" Asked Lister

Mike: [Doctor] Well, for a start, you can put a period on that last
sentence!

> The Doctor sat on the floor, crossed his legs, pulled out his

Crow: Oh, *no!*

> recorder,

Crow: Phew!

> said 'this' and commenced to play Twinkle Twinkle
> Little Star.

Tom: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little bat / How I wonder what
you're at.

> "Well our Doctor friend here seems to be as much use as a fart in
> a spacesuit." Sneered Rimmer.

Crow: Hey, that's *my* line!

> The Doctor looked up at Rimmer and took the recorder out of his
> mouth.

Crow: [Groucho] I like my recorder, but I take it out once in a while!

> "Do you mind, I'm trying to think and the music helps, so
> be a good chap and kindly shut up."
> Several renditions later, the Doctor finally climbed

Tom: ... the Matterhorn.

> to his feet
> and dusted himself down.

All: [singing] Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over
again!

> "Do you have a machine that makes items
> on request?"
> "Over there by the wall." Answered Lister.
> "Thank you." Said the Doctor and waked

Mike: Wow, he's been doing all this in his sleep up to now?

> over to the vending
> machine. "May I have a glass of water and a bag of jelly babies
> please."

Tom: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

> "Certainly." Answered the machine in a cheery voice as it
> delivered the requested items.

Crow: Share and enjoy!

> "What are you going to do with those then Doc?" Asked Lister
> looking confused.

Mike: [Doctor] I'm going to water the jelly babies until they grow
into a full-size jelly army!

> "Watch." Said the Doctor. He placed the jelly babies into his
> pocket and drank the water.

Tom: Well, it's better than placing the water in his pocket and
drinking the jelly babies.

> "Is that it?" Said Rimmer. "Well that's really showing these
> Dalek goits what we're made of."

Tom: Hey, if they're goiters, I'm sure the Doctor knows how to
handle them.

> "I was thirsty, anyway I've thought of the best thing to do at
> this point."
> "What's that then Doctor?" Asked Jamie.

Crow: [Doctor] Weep uncontrollably. We're all going to die.

> "We go and find out what our Dalek friends in the cargo bay are
> up to."
> "Oh excellent plan Doctor, excellent plan." Snapped Rimmer. "Why
> don't we get ourselves killed at the same time."

Tom: [Doctor] Excellent idea! Why don't you go first?
Mike: Rimmer's already been killed. That's why he's a hologram.

> "It's the only way to find out what's going on." Snapped back the
> Doctor.
> "Well I'm with you Doc."

Crow: Doc Savage?

> Said Lister reaching for his gun.
> The Doctor, Jamie and Lister left the drive room. For a brief
> moment Rimmer was left alone. Then shaking his head in disbelief,
> he quickly ran to catch the others up.

Mike: ... in a big hug!
Tom and Crow: Eh-oh!

>
> Lister others

Mike: Must be a cheap knockoff of Listerine.

> were hiding behind a stack of crates, when a Dalek
> glided by. They followed as quietly as they could to where the
> Daleks had established themselves.

Crow: Dalek Emporium, established 1952.

> They saw a large grey box with
> the Cat on it who was currently asleep.

Tom: How can you tell if a box is asleep or awake?

> The Daleks seemed
> totally unaware of his presence. The black Dalek emerged from the
> grey box. "REPOT" it ordered.

Crow: So the other Daleks went off to work in the ship's
greenhouse.

> "IT WILL TAKE THREE HOURS TO TAKE CONTROLE OF THE VESSELS
> COMPUTER. THEN WE CAN PROCEED AS PLANNED." Answered a grey Dalek
> "What are we going to do now?" Whispered Rimmer to Lister.
> "I dunno, but we better be quick."

Tom: Nestle's Quick?

>
> The Cat stretched and yawned. He'd had a good snooze, he'd
> certainly needed it, being chased by those Dalek things sure
> could make a cat sleepy.

Mike: So sleepy that he punctuates all of his thoughts with commas.

> Now he was hungry and maybe the others
> had sorted it all out. It was time to stroll back.

Crow: [singing] I was strolling through Red Dwarf one day ...

> He stood up and stretched and yawned again. Looking around he
> caught sight

Mike: ... but threw it back, as it was underweight.

> of Lister and the others moving behind some crates.
> Maybe they hadn't seen him.
> "Hey guys!" Shouted the Cat. "Over here, how's it going, boy am
> I hungry."

Tom: Looks like he's still sleepy.

> Lister and company looked at him in horror and ducked behind the
> crate.
> "Come on guys, what is your problem?" Shouted the Cat.

Crow: [Vir] What is *wrong* with you people? Why don't you get a
hobby?

> It suddenly dawned on the Cat that

Tom: ... Diet Dr. Pepper really *does* taste more like regular Dr.
Pepper!

> there was more to their
> behaviour than met the eye. Looking down he saw the problem and
> the problem saw him.
> "Whhaaa!" Screamed the Cat and he executed a perfect triple back
> flip off the Dalek time machine and landed gracefully

Mike: Oooh, good dismount. And the judges give it a 9.9!

> before
> taking off down the corridor like Ben Johnson on steroids,

Tom: Oh, those wacky Elizabethan dramatists!
Mike: It said "Johnson," not "Jonson."

> with
> the Daleks in hot pursuit.
> "See you later guys, much later." He shouted back at the pursuing
> Daleks.
> "Well." Said the Doctor standing up and brushing himself down.

Crow: And then standing up again.

> "That seems to have taken care of that problem nicely, don't you
> think?" He turned to Lister

Mike: ... in a graceful pirouette.

> and said "Lets have some fun with the
> Daleks time machine."

Tom: [Doctor] Let's take it for a joy ride! We'll gas it up again
before we return it and they'll never even know it was gone!

> "After you Doc." Replied Lister. "Er, I'll just stay outside and
> keep a lookout

Crow: You'll need a permit for that. They're endangered, you know.

> just in case those Daleks come back." Said Rimmer
> smiling.
> "Good idea" Replied the Doctor. He stepped inside the Daleks
> time machine followed by Jamie and Lister.
>
> The inside of the Daleks time ship was in someway like the
> Doctor's TARDIS

Tom: Messy?
Mike: Constantly on the verge of breaking down?
Crow: Decorated in Early Monastery?

> i.e. bigger on the inside than on the outside.

All: Ohhhhh.

> In the center of the room was a large control column. The
> surrounding walls were decorated with various computer panels.
> "What the smeg." Said Lister in amazement as he looked round the
> room. "How is it possible?"

Mike: Oh, come on, Lister. You're no stranger to cheap sets.

> "It's because the Daleks machine is transcendental." Explained
> the Doctor.
> "What's that mean?"

Tom: It means it belongs to a quasi-religious group which flourished
in New England during the mid-19th century.

> "It'll take too long to explain." Replied the Doctor fiddling
> with the central column.

Crow: Hey, kids! The Doctor is a time professional. Don't try this
at home!

> After a few moments the Doctor found
> something of interest. "So that's what they're up to."
> "What's that then Doctor?" asked Jamie.

Tom: It's a term meaning 'at that time' or 'next in time or order,'
but that's not important right now.

> "Well it seems the few remaining Daleks are after a rare element
> called Taranium

Crow: --an element so important that it has to be capitalized!

> to pilot their space and time vessels. One of the
> places you can find it is in the Sol system, so the Daleks,
> knowing this vessel was an Earth mining ship,

Mike: How can fanfic villains know so much, and yet be so stupid?

> decided to come
> aboard and do a spot of piracy,"

All: [singing] Let's vary piracy with a little burglary!
Mike: [pirate Dalek] EX-TER-MI-NATE. ARR.

> Explained the Doctor.
> "What do we do to stop them?" asked Lister.

Crow: Do that voodoo that you do so well!

> "Well I need access to one of your computer keyboards and
> screens." Replied the Doctor.
> "There's one you can use in the drive room."

Mike: Heaven forbid that we should have to build another set.

>
> The Cat was eating a portion of Chicken Marengo

Tom: I wonder if they store that in champagne bottles.
Crow: Thank you, James Burke.

> when the Doctor
> and the others arrived.
> "What's happening buddies?" asked the Cat looking up from his
> meal.

Crow: What's Happening!!

> The Doctor went over to a nearby keyboard and started to tap
> commands on it.

Mike: Dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot.

> "What are you trying to do then Doctor?" Asked Lister as he sat
> into one of the chairs.

Crow: [Doctor] I think I just figured out how to get that mailbox
open in Zork II!

> "I'm trying to find your cargo manifest to see if you have any
> Taranium on board."
> "How long will that take?"
> "Ah, here it is." Said the Doctor to himself. "Now all I have to
> do is delete it from the file, there, finished."

Tom: He's not the Doctor, he's the Supercargo.

> "So what happens now?" Asked Rimmer.

Mike: Another suitcase in another hall?

> "If we go back to the hold we should be just in time to see the
> problem with our Dalek friends resolved." Replied the Doctor. He
> got up and left the room, the others following, still not quite
> sure what was happening.

All: Join the club!

>
> The group were again behind a stack of crates in front of the
> Dalek time capsule.

Tom: We have *got* to stop meeting like this.
Mike: You know, you'd think those crates would have disintegrated
in three million years.

> A grey Dalek approached the Black Dalek.
> "REPORT!" Commanded the Black Dalek.

Crow: [Dalek] WE HAVE FINISHED REPOTTING THE GERANIUMS AND ARE
MOVING ON TO THE ASPIDISTRA.

> "WE HAVE GAINED CONTROLE OF THE SHIPS COMPUTER. THE MANIFEST
> SHOWS THE IS NO TARANIUM ON BOARD" Replied the grey.

Tom: ALSO SHOWS NO EVIDENCE OF PROOFREADING.

> "VERY WELL. ORDER All DALEK UNITS TO THE TIME CAPSULE."
> "I OBEY." The grey Dalek glided into the grey box. Within fifteen
> minuets all Daleks were back aboard their ship.

Mike: ... accompanied by the London Symphony Orchestra.

> The capsule
> vanished with a low humming noise. "Goodbye." Waved the Doctor

Crow: In semaphore?

> as he stood up from behind the crate. "Well that's the end of
> that."
> "So they'll go and pester someone else for the Taranium."

Tom: [whiny Daleks] Can we have some Taranium, pleeeeeeease?

> Said
> Lister as he got up and joined the Doctor.
> "Well they might find that a bit difficult due to the fact that
> whilst

Mike: They're playing a card game now?
Tom: No, that's whist.

> finding out what they were up to I took the liberty of
> fiddling with the Daleks dimensional controller. Which means they
> won't be able to end up where they want to." Beamed the Doctor

Crow: Great. Now it's a Doctor Who/Star Trek crossover!

> "What do we do about Holly?"

Tom: Put him away until next Christmas.

> "He should be alright now that the Daleks hold on him is gone."
> "How's it going dudes." Said Holly as his face appeared on a
> nearby screen with no trace of the Dalek influence.

Mike: Wow, those 12-step programs really work!

> "Well thanks for helping us out Doctor." Said Lister as he turned
> to face the Doctor and Jamie, but the Doctor and Jamie weren't
> there. "Now where have they gone?"

Mike: They're going to Disneyworld!
Crow: Yeah, they're filling in for the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.

>
> Some distance away two figures entered a police box and shut the
> door. After a few moments the TARDIS groaned into life, then
> there was another space in the cargo hold.

[Mike picks up Tom.]
Crow: So just what was Jamie's role in this fic, anyway?
Tom: To make the Doctor look good.
[They leave the theater.]

[SOL Bridge]

Tom: So, Mike, what did you think?
Mike: Well, most of the characters seemed pretty close to their
originals and the story made some kind of sense. A little
tightening on the grammar and punctuation would help a lot,
but overall it wasn't nearly as bad as some of the fanfics
we've seen.
Tom: That's all? How can you be so lukewarm? It was a work of
genius!
Mike: ... genius?
Crow: A brilliant and subtle look at the American Civil War!
Mike: Brilliant--? Civil War?
Crow: Sure! Didn't you see the symbolism?
Tom: Everybody knows the TARDIS is blue ...
Crow: The Daleks' time machine is grey ...
Tom: The Doctor, representing the victorious North, robs the defeated
South of its sense of direction when he messes with the controls
of the time machine ...
Crow: ... While the crew of Red Dwarf, representing the Border States
of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Missouri, look on!
Mike: [intrigued in spite of himself] So what does Jamie represent?
Tom: Canada!
Crow: [at the same time] Queen Victoria!
Tom: What? It's so obvious ...
Crow: How could you miss it? The kilt represents her skirts!
Mike: Um ... guys ...

[Bots continue to squabble in the background as Mike turns to the
screen.]

Mike: What do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13. Mrs. Forrester is still knitting madly, and the product is
now several feet longer.]

Dr. F: Well, it was worth a try. One of these days I *will* break
you, Nelson!

[He picks up one end of Mrs. Forrester's knitting and winds it around
his neck, a la Tom Baker.]

Dr. F: Till then--

[He presses the button.]

\ | /
\ | /
- - - o - - - fwoosh!
/ | \
/ | \

Mrs. F: [v.o.] OSCAR!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 by Best
Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

"Doctor Who" and "Red Dwarf" belong to the BBC. Johncoot's ideas
are all his own.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., is
intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
or should be implied.

This MSTing is copyright 1998 by Juliet Youngren and Sarah Heiner.

> Within fifteen minuets all Daleks were back aboard their ship.

--
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"Monday! Ha, ha!" --William Shakespeare