[MiSTing] "Neo Evangelion" Part 1 (1/2)
Jim W.
anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. Please enjoy!
-----------
Episode 502 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights (But don't take my word for it)
In the not too distant future
In the depths of outer space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Have received a saving grace.
They've finally goten away from Pearl
A woman who now controls the world.
So now they're free to do their will
That is, if they can just manage not to get themselves all killed!
ALL: GET US HO-O-OME!
MIKE: We'll use the Auto-Return
To get us back to Earth (lalala)
I can't wait to get home again...
And be back on my old turf! (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't know
When their journey home will end. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and wait it out
With his company of robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "Panning left."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Are we there yet?"
CROOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!"
If you're wondering just why this show's plot
Is changing every year (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "Best not to ask,"
And there are no worries here.
On SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are conversing with Bonnie Hammer on the Hexfield.
BONNIE: You see, Mike, I'm taking Sci-Fi in a new direction. One where I'll
get lots of money. And I mean a *lot*.
MIKE: But couldn't you just put us in prime time somewhere?
BONNIE: I'm afraid not. In fact, I believe our contract has run out.
MIKE: Oh, please, Miss Hammer!
BONNIE: I'm married.
MIKE: Oh, please, Ms. Hammer!
CROW: Can we interject, Mike? I think "Bonnie" here needs to hear one
important
fact...
MIKE: What is it?
SERVO: That a serpent's venom poisons slowly.
CROW: You can't keep it from coming, Bonnie. The third impact will soon be
witnessed.
MIKE: Uh...what are you talking about?
SERVO: This world is made of love and peace.
CROW: Angels who fall from heaven are forced to become devils. Isn't that so,
Bonnie?
MIKE: I'm sorry about this, Ms. Hammer. Please ignore them.
BONNIE: Are you two tin cans threatening me if I cancel your show?
['Bots look at each other.]
SERVO and CROW: No!
SERVO: We just want you to bring back your anime block!
BONNIE: ...oh.
MIKE: Guys, we're talking about the fate of our show, here.
CROW: Oh. That show. Okay. Do whatever you want, Bonnie.
SERVO: Yeah.
MIKE: WHAT?!?
CROW: Don't you get it, Mike? With our show off the air, we won't have to read
bad fanfics anymore!
MIKE: Oh...I never thought about it like that...
BONNIE: Listen, I have to go. I've got a meeting with Jules Verne in ten
minutes.
And that English freak doesn't like to be kept waiting.
[Hexfield closes]
MIKE: Okay, look you guys. We're going to end the show, anyway. See, if we get
back
to Earth, we'll be free. And that means no more fanfics. And *that* means no
more show.
SERVO: Alright, I get it Mike.
CROW: But remember, we're still a long way from home.
MIKE: Yes, yes... but we survived twelve years so far, right? What's another
few
months?
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
*commercial sign*
MIKE: We'll be right back...if we don't get cancelled first.
[commercials]
----
[Ads for Farscape, Jules Verne, the Invisible Man, and Black Scorpion twice]
----
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are watching the Stony television. "Big O" is
playing.
MIKE: Wow. That's some weird stuff.
SERVO: Cartoon Network sure is pulling out all the stops.
CROW: Hey, remember when we were accidentally put on that Toonami block last
year?
MIKE: That was a crazy episode.
SERVO: You know, you can never go wrong with those giant robots.
CROW: Yeah, they kick ass.
MAGIC VOICE: Warning. Rocket Number Fifteen is transmitting another fanfic.
MIKE: Uh-oh.
*Mads sign*
CROW: Pearl, why can't you ever give us fun-filled, insanely violent fanfics
like the stuff on Toonami?
SERVO: Yeah!
[Castle Forrester] Pearl is on her throne. Bobo is waving a giant palm to fan
her.
PEARL: So, you want giant fighting robots, hmm? Alright, then.
[SOL]
CROW: What? Really? Awesome!
SERVO: You rule, Pearl!
MIKE: Calm down, guys. You should know by now there's going to be a catch.
[CF]
PEARL: You're going to read a two-part "Neon Genesis Evangelion" fanfic called
"Neo Evangelion." I hope you find it suitable to your tastes.
BOBO: I'm Pearl's biggest fan. Hee hee!
PEARL: I've said it before and I'll say it again! NO STUPID PUNS!
[Pearl hits Bobo with her heavily decorated queen's staff.]
BOBO: Oww...
[SOL]
MIKE: I hope you're happy, guys. This is probably going to suck royally.
CROW: I know, but it's going to have GIANT ROBOTS! Sweeeet!
MIKE: Oh, brother.
*movie sign*
ALL: It's Anime Fanfic Siiiign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater.]
>Ender Publishing Company
>
>In association with
>
>Gainax Productions
>
>
>Presents:
>
MIKE: A giant pile of crap.
>
>Anime Revival Series
>
>Neo Evangelion
>
>Starring the voices of:
CROW: Oh, no. It's got credits.
>
>Mark Hammill
>As
>Shinji Ikari
ALL: What?!?
MIKE: That sure is lousy casting.
>
>Kirsten Dunst
>As
>Rei Ayanami
>
>And
>Alicia Silverstone
>As
>Asuka Langley Soryuu
>
>
SERVO: Because no one can act like a lousy, stuck-up bitch better than
Alicia Silverstone.
>Also starring:
>
>
>Elizabeth Berkley
>As
>Maj. Misato Katsuragi
>
>Gates McFadden
>As
>Dr. Ritsuko Akagi
>
MIKE: Just because she played Dr. Crusher on Star Trek.
>Leonard Nimoy
>As
>Cmdr. Gendo Ikari
CROW: Hmm...I would have gone with Michael Keaton.
>
>Susan Blu
>As
>Maya Ibuki
>
>
>With
>Raymond Burns
>As
>Prof. Kozo Fuyutski
>
SERVO: And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
>And
>Harrison Ford
>As
>Chairman Kiel
>
>
>Written by
>Stephen Frey
>
>
>Intro
>
>A gust of wind blew across the desert landscape that the populace once called
Japan.
SERVO: See? THIS is where mass producing violent anime porn gets you.
>Up ahead was what looked like the remains of a gigantic battle. Pieces of
metal laid
>everywhere like a child's playroom unkempt. A destroyed city lay in the
background.
>
>Cut to an underground bunker. Rubble was everywhere. However, it looked like
there were
>supposed to be far more people than there were.
MIKE: Just say "survivors." Jeez...
>In what is unarguably the control room, a skeleton slumped on the control
panel.
>This skeleton wore a jumpsuit.
CROW: Oh, my god! Mike!
MIKE: I think we're looking at the near future here, guys...
>The name on the tag on the left breast pocket read 'Ibuki.'
MIKE: Whew. Okay, we're not.
>
>Cut to a hallway. A body was slumped against the wall. It wore a purple
shirt and
>red jacket. A gun lay slumped to the side.
SERVO: Okay, so we open the story with the main cast members being already
dead.
CROW: Hey, I bet this is a "Who's Line" skit, and Collin is gonna run in and
move
the bodies to finish the show!
>
>Cut to a giant tree rising to the sky. It was silvery-white.
>
>
>Title Episode 1: Resurrection
>
>To human eyes, it would be incomprehensible. But the closest interpretation
would be three
>giant orbs connected in a triangle formation. These orbs pulsated with energy
that moved in
>random patterns.
MIKE: The Japanese government is scrambling to keep them under wraps.
SERVO[Barbrady]: Move along, nothing to see here...
>
>That would be the Holy Trinity of Christian Religion. The top orb represented
the
>father (God), the bottom left was the son (Jesus) and the third one was the
Holy Spirit
>
CROW: Hey, who needs church when we've got these Evangelion fanfics?
>Standing before the orbs was a figure. It was tall and lanky with a female
outline
>and piercing red eyes.
>
>There was no audible conversation between the two.
SERVO: This goes without saying, considering one of the two is an inanimate
object.
>The orbs would glow and the figure would
>answer by blinking her eyes. This process repeated itself over a dozen times.
MIKE: And the tension is lowering.
SERVO[talking through cuped hands]: Plot, this is ground control. You have
been cleared
for takeoff for five minutes now.
CROW[same]: We read you, ground control. But for some reason this blasted
thing
won't get off the ground.
SERVO: I suggest restarting the fanfic and opening on a more interesting
scene.
That might give you a boost.
CROW: Roger that. Okay, the engine is lifting. We're good to go!
SERVO: Give 'em hell. Over.
CROW: This is an Eva fanfic. No problem with that! Over and out.
>
>Energy began emitting from the top orb. It shot over the figure and seemed to
disappear into
>the horizon.
>
>Cut to the battlefield shown earlier. The energy beam emitted by the orbs
exited the tree and
>struck the ground. There was a flash of light and two figures stood. They
were both in their
>early teens, clad in different color jumpsuits. One was a boy with short
brown hair and brown
>eyes. The other was a girl with crimson hair and green eyes.
>
>The boy was Shinji Ikari and the girl was Asuka Langley Soryuu.
>
>Asuka: What happened?
>Shinji: I'm not sure.
MIKE[Shinji]: The writing style just shifted from third person narrative to
dramatic script.
> Last thing I remember was Seele attacking Nerv.
CROW: Well, they've got a lot of nerve.
SERVO: Zing!
>Asuka: Shinji, look.
>
>Asuka holds out a chunk of red metal.
>
>Shinji: Asuka, is that?
>Asuka: Yes, it is. Evangelion Unit 02.
>Shinji: Then that means...
>Asuka: Nerv lost.
>
SERVO: Oh, it's over already. Well, bye.
MIKE: Sit down.
SERVO: Aw...
>
>Cut to where the orbs and the figure were. All three orbs began emitting
power.
>
>Cut to the hallway shown earlier and the skeleton wearing the purple shirt and
red jacket.
>There was a flash and in its place was a woman with violet hair. She opened
her eyes and
>groaned.
>
MIKE[Misato]: Where the hell have I been?
SERVO: Exactly.
>Misato: Whoa that's the last time I drink coffee with my beer.
SERVO: Wouldn't they just cancel each other out?
>Hey Shinji, where's the...
>
>She sees the hallway and remembers.
>
>Misato: Oh my God! Shinji! SHINJI!
CROW: I would go along with her suggestion to cut down on the coffee.
>
>She runs off calling Shinji's name.
>
>Cut to the control room. The same process that returned Misato happened with
that skeleton.
>
>Maya: What happened to me? Where did everybody go?
>
SERVO[commercial]: Eva. You've got questions...That's a given.
>Cut to outside where Shinji and Asuka were. They turned and saw the giant
tree.
>
>Asuka: What the hell is that?
MIKE: I think you just answered your own question.
>Shinji (whispering): Just like prophesied. Seele did it! They started the
Third Impact.
CROW: See? It's the *seals* that are the smart ones, not dolphins!
>Asuka: The Third Impact? What have you been smoking, Shinji?
>Shinji: Asuka, look around you.
>
>Asuka looks around and sees the turmoil.
SERVO[Asuka]: Everything's fine. What have you been smoking, Shinji?
>
>Asuka: It looks like what happened after the First Impact.
>Shinji: Exactly my point.
>
>There was a flash of light and a crash. Both Shinji and Asuka turned.
>They heard a moan coming from a pile of rubble. They ran over and dug through
>the rubble. Out emerges a woman with
>beach-blond hair and brown eyes. Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.
CROW: ...I presume.
>
>Shinji: Dr. Akagi.
>Asuka: Ritsuko, what happened here?
>Ritsuko: The Dead Seas Scrolls. Everything written in them came true. The
Angels, the Third
>Impact, everything.
MIKE: Wait...so where does the giant silvery woman come in?
>Asuka: Ritsuko, you're making no sense. There wasn't a Third Impact; Seele
tried to shut us
>down when they decided that we were no use anymore.
>
>Ritsuko points to the tree.
>
>Ritsuko: The Tree of Sephiroth. It was foretold in the scrolls that the tree
will rise.
>Shinji: Ritsuko, how do you know all this?
>
SERVO: Because *somebody's* got to move the plot along.
>Ritsuko holds out her hands. The Dead Sea Scrolls are in them.
>
>Ritsuko: Before Seele attacked, I stole them from Commander Ikari's office.
CROW: Wait...shouldn't SEELE have them? After all, they were the ones going
along
with the prophecies...
SERVO: You've actually *seen* this show, Crow?
CROW: ...no.
SERVO: YES YOU HAVE!!! HAHAHAHA! FANBOY!
MIKE: Servo, stop it.
>
>Shinji and Asuka look from each other to Ritsuko.
>
>Asuka: Ritsuko, I...
MIKE[Asuka]: ...love you!
CROW AND SERVO: ????
MIKE: Well, isn't stuff like that in anime?
CROW: Not here, Mike.
MIKE: ...oh.
>
>Misato appears.
>
>Misato: Shinji!
>Shinji: Misato!
>
>The two run to each other and embraced.
>
SERVO: In slow motion, of course.
>Shinji: Misato, I was...
>Misato: I know, Shinji. So was I.
>Asuka: Misato.
CROW: So everyone's getting their speeches cut short today.
>
>Misato and Asuka embrace too.
MIKE: Ah, ha! See?
CROW: Mike, you have a lot to learn.
>Misato then turns to Ritsuko.
>
>Misato: How are you doing?
SERVO[Ritsuko]: I feel like hell.
CROW: Exactly!
>
>Ritsuko manages a weak smile.
>
>Ritsuko: Like someone dropped Sachiel on my head.
>
>Misato smiles.
>
>Misato: That good, huh?
>
>Cut to the control room. Maya is picking through rubble that is blocking the
exit
>when she hears a flash.
>
MIKE: Wow. Her eyes must be where her ears are.
CROW: Then she saw a loud whoosh.
>Fuyutski: Maya.
>
>Maya sees Gendo Ikari and Kozo Fuyutski.
>
>Maya: Commander Ikari, Professor Fuyutski, you're all right.
>Fuyutski: Thankfully, we are. Have you seen anyone else?
SERVO[Fuyutski]: ...with those unique ears of yours?
>Maya: No. I've been trying to dig myself out of here for the past hour.
>
CROW: It's been an hour already? Boy, I thought this fanfic would drag.
>Cut to the tree. Energy was streaming from all sides. The energy begins to
reconstruct the
>buildings and reanimate the people. Skeletons receive substance. Feet and
people
>suddenly fill empty footprints.
SERVO: So they come back to life standing up?
>
>Cut to the control room where Maya, Gendo, and Fuyutski are. The rubble
disappears and the
>doors open. The three hurry out.
>
>Cut to Shinji, Asuka, Ritsuko, and Misato.
>
>Shinji: What's happening.
>Ritsuko: Someone upstairs must like us.
MIKE: I suspect Bill Gates.
>The city is being reconstructed.
>Asuka: Wahoo! That must mean that everybody who was killed in the battle will
be alive again.
>
CROW: Since when does Asuka care about anybody else?
>Misato frowns.
>
>Misato: So will the soldiers of Seele.
ALL: D'OH!
>
>Cut to various areas of Tokyo 3 where soldiers wearing Seele uniforms are
waking up.
>Cut back to Shinji, Asuka, Misato, and Ritsuko.
>
>Ritsuko: Relax. They'll be too confused to continue on their mission.
>
>A blast grazed Misato's hair.
>
>Misato: Hey!
MIKE[Ritsuko]: On the other hand, they could have come back even more powerful
and dangerous than before.
>
>Misato turns to fire her gun but nothing comes out.
>
>Misato: Shit, empty!
>Shinji: What do we do now?
>Asuka: I'm for running.
>Misato: Um... Good idea.
>
>All four take off.
>
SERVO[control tower]: Wait, you're not cleared! Flight 297, watch out for--oh
dear god.
>Cut to Maya, Gendo, and Fuyutski running through the corridors of Nerv.
>They run into Shinji, Misato, Asuka, and Ritsuko.
MIKE: OW!
CROW: Oof!
MIKE: Ack!
SERVO: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MIKE: Um...Servo?
SERVO: Maya was carying a very sharp knife when she ran into Asuka, okay?
MIKE: Whatever you say...
>
>Maya: Major, Doctor, you're all okay.
>Misato: So are you three apparently.
>
>A shot hits the wall besides Shinji.
>
>Misato: Not for long if we don't get moving.
>
SERVO[Misato]: So put everything in boxes, fill out those change-of-address
cards,
and drive to Nebraska!
>The whole group takes off as Seele soldiers start firing at them. They turn
corners and head
>down straight-aways. Through the whole ordeal, Shinji tries to avoid looking
at his father.
CROW: Good idea, considering he should be watching what's in front of him
while runing
for his life.
>
>Cut to the whole group running into a dead end.
>
>Shinji: Dead end!
>Asuka: I wish you wouldn't say that.
>
>Seele soldiers start walking towards them guns pointed fingers on the trigger.
SERVO: Why are all the guns pointing to the trigger fingers?
MIKE: I think someboy forgot a comma.
>The wall suddenly breaks away and everybody falls into an empty shaft.
CROW: But fortunately the floor remains intact, and they climb up it.
>You can hear Shinji, Asuka, Misato, and
>Maya scream the whole way down.
SERVO: Those big babies.
>
>Cut to an empty room. Eight figures appear in it. These are the board of
directors of Seele.
>
MIKE[director]: So...whose salary are we going to cut today, gentlemen?
>Director 1: What's going on here? Why hasn't the Third Impact initiated?
>
>Another director goes to a window.
>
>Director 2: I think it has. Look.
>
>Everybody goes to the window. They can see the tree restoring Tokyo 3 and the
Geo Front to
>normal.
>
>Director 3: Damn it! I thought we took care of Nerv. What has happened?
>Director 4: Ikari. Only he can perform this trick while keeping it a secret
from us.
>Director 1: Chairman Kiel, what do we do?
SERVO: Uh, oh.
CROW: He said the words...
MIKE[Megatron]: The only thing we can do...
SERVO: Here it comes...
MIKE[shouting louder that ever before]: BLAST IT!!!
CROW: He shouldn't have asked the question.
SERVO: You okay, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah. I just couldn't help myself.
SERVO: It's okay. Old running jokes die hard.
>Kiel: Gentlemen, calm yourselves. I have prepared for this predicament. We
will initiate
>Operation Overturn.
SERVO: It's the last-resort strategy I was able to plan out using my Risk
gameboard.
All we have to do is grab the map, like so, and flip it over! Thus causing
all the
bad people to fall off the planet!
CROW: Um...sir...I don't think that will work.
SERVO: But, it worked in Risk.
>Director 5: Are you sure? It might blow up in our faces.
>Kiel: In case you have forgotten, the threat of the Angels is over. The
Evangelions are
>no more so it won't be long before the Japanese Government decides that Nerv
is useless
>and shuts them down. In the mean time, we should start "helping" the citizens
of Tokyo 3
>rebuild their lives from the trouble the Evangelions caused. Nerv will fall
in all good time.
>
MIKE: And, on that note...
[Mike and the 'Bots exit]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Servo and Crow have their model Gundams on the counter.
CROW: Gundam. Level three. Two days.
SERVO: Level five. Gundam. One week.
CROW: Gundam. Level nine. Seven months.
SERVO: Crow, ya big dolt, there isn't a level nine.
CROW: Oh, yes there is.
[Clanging noises can be heard off screen. Suddenly, a giant mechanoid foot
steps into
the background behind Crow, breaking away the wall and revealing several
interns
holding boom mikes, lights, and other such things.]
SERVO: Uh....uh...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[Servo runs away.]
CROW: Told 'ya.
*commercial sign*
INTERN HOLDING BOOM MIKE: Uh...we'll be right back. Nice foot, Mr. Gundam sir.
[Commercials]
---
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org
---
New MiSTing: "Wheel of Something"
located at http://sft1b.mistings.org/
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une