MiSTed: The Rangers of NIMH II (1/2)

[Håkan Svensson]

THE RANGERS OF NIMH II

MiSTed by Joseph Nebus, Kevin A. Pezzano and Christopher Street
Edited by Håkan Svensson

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Season 7 opening theme. Open on the SOL, which is covered in art materials.
Pencils and half-open bottles of ink everywhere, bristol board pages with
half-completed comic pages adorn the walls, and scattered comic books lay
about. Tom and Crow are in deep discussion.]

TOM: Okay, okay...so in the first panel, Marrissa stands like Superman...
CROW: Yeah! In a strawberry-colored wedding dress!
TOM: Oooh, good one!

[Mike enters.]

MIKE: Hey, guys. What's with the mess?
TOM: Oh, well, Crow and I came across this old stash of small-press comic
books...
CROW: Graphic novels!
TOM: Comic books!
CROW: [shouting] Graphic novels!!!
MIKE: Woah, woah! Calm down! Actually, they *would* be comic books. Graphic
novels are those large, single story squarebound collections that...
[trails off after noticing that Tom and Crow are staring at him]
Okay, the whole question is academic. But what does that have to do
with what you guys are doing?
CROW: Well, I remember all the great small-press comics that I used to read,
and I figured, hey... *I* can do that!
TOM: Yeah, all you need is an idea and cash for the printer.
CROW: It's like fanfic writing... but with *money*! Just look at this comic!
MIKE: "Crossed Swords" [flips it open] "with real dungeon adventure
inside". This looks like it was done by two 12 year old D&D geeks!
The "dungeon" makes no sense, and the art resembles my little
brother's doodling during math tests!
CROW: Yeah, isn't it great? It's fan fiction with bucks! If *they* can have a
comic, so can we!
TOM: And to save us the trouble of coming up with ideas on our own, we
decided to actually make comic adaptations of fanfics!
MIKE: Oh boy...

[commercial sign]

MIKE: Uh-oh... We'll be right back.

[commercials]

[SOL]

TOM: All right, where were we?
CROW: Marrissa was just about to order her crew to sterilize the surface of
a nearby world, in a gigantic splash page!
MIKE: Guys, this will never work! Who wants to read a comic about a group
of teenagers with uncanny abilities that routinely save the entire
world from stupid villains with even stupider plots, amidst much
death and destruction?
TOM: You mean like in any X-Men book, Mike?
CROW: Or Troublemakers?
TOM: Or Gen 13?
CROW: Or Teen Titans?
TOM: Or Akira?
MIKE: Never mind.

[Red light flashes]

MIKE: Besides, the Evil Ones are calling.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Ah, yes, Mike and the mechanicals. You should consider yourselves
very lucky, since you will have front row seats today, when I
launch the scheme that will give me control of the world!

[SoL]

MIKE: Let me guess... Mind-control rays through the ethereal waves?
TOM: Fluoridation of water?
CROW: Worldwide transmission of dumb puppet shows?

[Deep 13]

PEARL: Clayton, they're *mocking* you!
DR. F: Don't worry, mother, they will give in once they experience the
wrath of... the *Sequelizer*!

[The first bars of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" play as Dr.
Forrester uncovers a machine behind him.]

DR. F: As you all know, the sequel to any work is more often than not
worse than the original. Now, imagine what would happen if someone
would invent a machine that would automatically produce a sequel to
anything fed into it?

[SoL]

CROW: They would make it head of a major movie company?

[Deep 13]

DR. F: No, it would allow me to weaken the minds of everyone by flooding
the world with the most putrid works ever filmed or written! Allow
me to demonstrate. [Dr. F holds up a videotape.] This is a tape of
"Batman Returns," a movie with at least some good qualities to it.

[He feeds the tape to the Sequelizer. Wisps of steam shoot out from it as
its cogs grind loudly. Finally, the sequelizer stops with a hiss as it
spits out a new tape, which Dr. Forrester holds up to the camera.]

DR. F: It's "Batman Forever," a movie with not so many good qualities about
it! To save time, I prepared the machine with "Batman Forever"
earlier, and it spit out "Batman & Robin"! Now, just imagine what
would happen if i fed the machine with *that*!

[SoL]

MIKE: Uhhh...

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Well, guess what, you don't have to guess, because I already did it!
It's "Batman: The Final Frontier" starring and directed by William
Shatner!

[SoL]

TOM: Mike, I'm scared.
MIKE: Me too. Please, Dr. Forrester, we'll do whatever you want, just don't
show us *that*!

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Of course I wouldn't! I've got evil on a *much* grander scale lined
up especially for you!
PEARL: I'm proud of you, Clayton. I just didn't think that you were capable
of *that* much evil. [She pinches Dr. Forrester's cheek.]
DR. F: [embarrassed] Whatever. Anyway, I'm going to give you a special treat
since you piled up Deep 13 with waffles in the last MiSTing. [He
puts on a rubber glove and carefully picks up a zip-locked plastic
bag marked with skull symbols. The bag contains some sheets of
paper.] This is a hardcopy of "The Rangers of NIMH," that...
*remarkable* fanfic by David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee, and there
are no points awarded for guessing what I intend to do with it.

[SoL]

MIKE: No!
TOM: Don't!
CROW: You are meddling with powers you cannot *possibly* comprehend!

[Deep 13]

DR. F: [grinning even more evilly than usual] Just watch me.

[As Dr. Forrester feeds the fanfic to the Sequelizer, its cogs start to gain
speed, accelerating beyond control. The chugging of the Sequelizer rises in
volume in a crescendo, until it blows up spectacularly in a cloud of smoke.]

DR. F: Oh, poopie.
PEARL: Clayton, you tampered in God's domain again, didn't you?
DR. F: Do I ever do anything else, dear mother? [He picks up some pieces
of paper which miraculously survived the explosion and faces the
camera holding them.] Why don't you take a look at this? It's not
much, but I'm sure there's enough hurting in there for a whole
Marrissa story.

[Sol, lights and buzzers go off]

ALL: WE'VE GOT INCREDIBLY LAME FANFIC SIGN!!

[ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ]

[Our heroes enter the theater]

TOM: Mike, if Dr. Forrester ever shows us that Batman movie, promise you
will kill me first.
MIKE: You know you can count on me, pal.

> The remains of the lab is combed over by a vanload of scientists.

MIKE: They're covering up the lab's bald spot.

> They
> picked that place clean,

CROW: They left not the tiniest piece of flesh on the bone.

> searching for anything they might be interested
> in.

TOM: Mmm... Month-old Chinese food... some Lego blocks... big box of
toothpicks...

> But, all they can do is look at each other and shake their heads.

MIKE: Wow, they didn't waste any time getting to the meat of the story, did
they?
CROW: More like the disgusting intestinal flora of the story.

>
> They'll won't find anything of interest there as much as they won't know
> that they're being watched.

MIKE: Hey, I think the narrator's gonna spoil the story for us! Where's the
netiquette and spoiler space, bucko?
TOM: I take it this is Gonterman's idea of subtle foreshadowing.

>
> Especially by a rat with a holographic gyroscope.

TOM: [chuckling] Isn't it cute when they try to use science?
CROW: He's looking through the gyroscope and... yes! There's the pole star,
right where he left it.

>
> Another rat, much younger than this rat in question approaches him.

MIKE: "Thank you, Ratbert, but we're *not* hiring right now."

>
> "All of the captured rodents are recovered and accounted for, Justin."
>
> "Good going, Rasco.

MIKE: Rasco P. Coltrane?
TOM: Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

> Er, anything left for these scientists?"
>
> "No way. What we didn't pick up, that Zannie dude in that freaky armor
> picked up. Even though he didn't get the formula, he sure runs a tight
> ship."

TOM: [singing] If they could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise! I'm
wearing stupid armor and killing who I choose!

> "Hmmm, all that's needed now is for Jonathan to contact us.

CROW: Or we could go drinking instead.

> Where's
> that mousie at?"

TOM: [robotic monotone] He's got two turntables and a microphone.

>
> "He's still hooked up with those Rangers I told you about, I suspected
> he'd stay, with what I've heard from the grapevine."

MIKE: Also, the azaleas are planning a rebellion. November 17th. Spread
the word.

>
> "So have I. Ras, that tree the Rescue Rangers lives in isn't far from
> where Mrs. Brisby is visiting.

CROW: And launching her ten-city concert tour!

> Send word to her and tell him that we
> need to talk."

CROW: "Send word to *her* and tell *him*"? Could we have antecedents for
these pronouns, please?
TOM: Ah, that David Gonterman. Changing characters' sex in the middle of
sentences again.
MIKE: Up to the usual business, I see.

>
> "Will do."

MIKE: And no slapping him this time.

> _________________________________
>
> FoxFire Studios Presents:

TOM: [singing] The fox, the fox, the fox is on fire...

> The Rangers of NIMH II:

CROW: Where Rangers Dare.

> Gadget Hackwrench and the Rats of NIMH

MIKE: [Art Fern] Starring Fay Wray, Doris Day, Charles Kay, Ernest Jaye,
and Splats the wonder pigeon.

>
> Based on 'Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers' by The Walt Disney Company
> and 'The Secret of NIMH' by Sullivan-Bluth Studios

MIKE: Thankfully, Gilbert managed to extricate himself before the terror
began!
TOM: What, Gonterman's so ashamed he didn't even want to put his name on it?

>
> __________________________________________
>
> Part 1:
>
> "Yoo-hooooo, over here, you silly humans!

TOM: Silly human LAAAAAADIES!

> Yer ain't gonna find anything
> over there! Ha-ha, made you look!"

CROW: And Pee Wee Herman teams up with the Rescue Rangers.

>
> Jonathan Brisby was having some yucks

TOM: That's pretty much my response to this whole sordid business.

> at the expense of the scientists
> and what he calls their 'Stupid Human Tricks.'

MIKE: And you thought Letterman was going downhill *before*!

>
> Gadget Hackwrench was mere

TOM: I imagine she *was* mere. She *is* a mouse, after all.

> standing by and giggling at her new
> boyfriend's comical teasing.

TOM: Then she noticed Jonathan.

>
> Monterey Jack was inside fixing up his prized Cheese Chowder when he
> heard a knock on the door.

CROW: Touch of parmesean and a little sprinkling of arsenic... heh heh...
They'll never see it coming.

> He opened it to find a shy field mouse in a
> flowing blue cape.

CROW: [mouse] Trick or treat for UNICEF!
TOM: [mouse] Want to buy some Mouse Scout cookies, mister?
MIKE: [mouse] Have you given your heart over to Jesus? Here, have a
pamphlet!

>
> Montey: "Hello, ma'am. Something we can do for you?"
>
> Mouse:

MIKE: Mystery Mouse, enter and sign in, please!
TOM: Oh, joy. "Mouse"! Yet another fascinating character brought to you by
the FoxFire Studios!

> "H-hello. Is this the Rescue Rangers--"

TOM: Only tangentially.

>
> Montey: "Right you are miss. Come on inside. I'm Monterey Jack."

MIKE: [Mouse] But I just... I'm only looking for the library... uh...

>
> Mouse: "Thank you. I'm Jennifer, and I'm looking for my great-
> grandson, and I've heard he's here. Jonathan Brisby by name."

CROW: He's a subplot, by trade.

>
> Montey: "You're heard right, love. I'll whistle him down for y-y-y-y-
> y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y"

TOM: Someone hit Monty, he's skipping again!
MIKE: Why not go straight to the source and hit the author?

>
> Jennifer: "Pardon?"
>
> Montey: "Your great-grandson?"

CROW: No, my great-grandson.

>
> She nods.
>
> Montey: "Then that makes you--"

MIKE: Gonterman's dumbest plot device yet!

>
> Jonathan: "Grandma Jenny!"

MIKE: So, JB Junior is the great-grandson of the original Jonathan, but Ms.
Brisby is his grandma. Great attention to detail here.
TOM: I just noticed, guys: this fanfic has gone from narrative to script form
all of a sudden.
CROW: Ah. This *really is* a sequel to "The Rangers of NIMH".

>
> Jennifer turned around to see

MIKE: A new car!

> the mouse she was looking for, the two
> greeted each other in a hug.

CROW: Hi, I'm Jenny, and I'll be your family for this evening.

>
> Gadget: "You know her, JB?"

TOM: [Jonathan] Yeah, I know her! She's my great-grandmother!
MIKE: Sheesh, hasn't she been paying attention?
CROW: Have you been, Mike?
MIKE: Touché.

>
> Jonathan: "Yeah, I do. Gadget, Monterey, this here's Jennifer Brisby.
> She's the widow of the original JB."

MIKE: [Jonathan] And several other rich mice with large insurance policies
that died mysteriously. Go figure, eh?

>
> She curtseyed.
>
> Montey: "Too-la-loo, you look exactly like the one in the Movie, Mrs.
> Briz."

TOM: Except you, we hate!

>
> Gadget: "Golly, if you're his great-grandmother, you don't look the
> age."

MIKE: Well, except that the gestation period for mice is twelve days.

>
> Jennifer: "Why, thank you. But really, you should thank this stone
> Little Johnny wears."

CROW: [Jonathan] Grandma! You promised you'd never tell anyone about my
little Johnny!

>
> She lifted it up with one finger, and it flashed,

MIKE: [amulet] Hey! I'm the *real* star of this fanfic!

> making her jerk her
> hand back, as if she touched something unbearably hot.

TOM: No, no. Only daddy touch.

>
> Jonathan: "The amulet's kinda developed a 'tude while I've been weaning
> it, Grandma.

TOM: I hear the amulet even has a tongue piercing.
CROW: Sheesh, magical stones these days!

> That's why I always wear these gloves, you see?"

MIKE: It's not cause the animators can't draw hands! I swear!

>
> Jennifer was cooling her finger with her mouth. "And be dressed like a
> Toon? No thank you."

CROW: [Jennifer] I *like* wearing pants!

>
> _____________________________________
>
> Jennifer continues her story over hot tea.

MIKE: Interior, Ranger Tree. Jennifer continues her story over hot tea...
TOM: I think we're back to narrative, Mike.

> "I used that stone to move
> my old farm home--by myself, no less."

MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] And then I used it to defeat the Khanate of the Golden
Horde singlehandedly, before I took on Saddam Hussein and Theodore
Kazynski, who had teamed up with a zombie Stalin, and...

> Montey: "I believe you lass. We've seen that stone in action.

CROW: [Monty] It's almost like a rock.
TOM: Sorry, Mike. It's a script again.

>
> Jennifer: "Hmm-hmm. And later on I realized that I'm still having it's
> affects,

CROW: Why, just last week, it made me wear silly hats!

> and it's not just these burn marks on my hands. It changed me,
> inside.

MIKE: It gave me a chewey nougat center.

> It did to me . . . what the experiments from NIMH did to my
> husband."

TOM: [Jennifer] It changed me from a likeable character to one of
Gonterman's!
>
> Gadget: "Golly!"
>
> JB: "Yeah. Imagine the blow-away when she passed that blood test.

MIKE: She never expected to have blood!

> She has the same effects as the Rats had. Not only had she grown more
> intelligent, but she also got a longer lifeline.

CROW: And she got a neat collectible dinner plate.

> But that little
> feature was a little bittersweet."

TOM: Just *try* to bake with it!

>
> Gadget: "How come?"
>
> JB: "Statistically, Country Mice don't live as long as City Mice. It's
> probably an environment thing. I was raised in the city, so I can't
> speak for them, but that's the reason why Mrs. Brisby

MIKE: So, JB isn't on first-name terms with his own family?

> outlived three out
> of her four kids, and a vast majority of her grandchildren."

CROW: [Jonathan] Funny how they all left everything to her in their wills.
Oh, well. More tea, anyone?

>
> Gadget: "Oh."

TOM: [Gadget] That cleared up things a *lot.*

>
> Jennifer sighs: "I often dreamt of growing old, while the man that I
> love remained a young mouse.

MIKE: So who, exactly, does she love - a man or a mouse?
[The bots chuckle.]
CROW: Are we men, or are we mice?
ALL: Men! Mice! Er....

> I didn't expect to see the dream from the
> other end.

MIKE: That's an awfully long sigh.

> It wouldn't have been that bad if I didn't have to bury my
> children, and not the other way around.

TOM: [Mrs. Brisby] Especially since the dirt didn't muffle their cries and
pleas for several days!
MIKE: Woah, that's dark!

> But then I was able to see
> him." She points to Jonathan.

CROW: [Jennifer] Boy did *I* feel like a chump.

> "Little Johnny here looked and smelled
> exactly like my husband.

MIKE: But... her husband had been dead for years.

> He even has the spots on the right places. I
> simply *had* to give him his name and amulet."

TOM: Because Johnny's *MOM* had nothing to say in the matter?

>
> Monterey and Gadget was listing to her story with relish. JB, however,
> has heard this story a million times, and was patiently waiting for her
> to finish only to humor his Great-Grandmother.

MIKE: Okay, when the main character is bored with the story, that's a good
time to quit.

> "Well, there's more to
> you showing up than just to tell my new friends how you threatened to
> fry everyone with The Stone unless you call me Jonathan Brisby."

CROW: So she's the muscine Marrissa?
TOM: You expected anything else?
MIKE: [singing] She's Jenny -- watch out or she just might kick your ass...

> He
> took out a paper from his vest. "Justin's pining away for

MIKE: The fjords?

> this report,
> ain't he?"

TOM: [Justin] Oh, report! I love you so! When will you come and rescue me?

>
> Jennifer: "He's not that bad, JB! He knows that you're with your
> friends and will bring it to us when you can . . . especially with you,
> Gadget. Is it true, that your father . . . "

CROW: [Jennifer] ...lived in eternal shame about his daughter?

>
> Gadget nodded. "Yes'm, I'm a NIMH Rat too.

TOM: [Gadget] Well, a NIMH *mouse*, anyway.

> Dr. Ages found that out.
> Daddy was one of the ones that got sucked down the vent and lived."

MIKE: [Gadget] He died three years before I was born.

>
> Jennifer ah'd. "I know some of them did survived.

TOM: I'd knowed some'd of'd them'd did survived!
MIKE: Lay off a bit, Tom. The grammar and spelling aren't *that* bad.

> I know that one of
> them actually mailed himself to my old home.

TOM: Do you send a plot point first, second, or third class mail?
CROW: A third class stamp for a fourth class story.

> Why we at Thorn Valley
> ever heard more of them, I don't know."

MIKE: Personally, I blame UPS.

>
> Gadget: "Hmm...You know, I've been thinking of going to Thorn Valley
> with JB, even if just to visit, but I don't know.

TOM: Visit beautiful Thorn Valley this summer! See the spectacular rushing
rivers and the pastoral green glens!
CROW: Not to mention the budding civilization founded by sentient rats!

> What about the Rescue
> Rangers?"

TOM: Killed in Vietnam.

>
> Montey: "What about the Rescue Rangers, Gadget Love?"

CROW: [Gadget] Oh, they were always hanging around backstage at our
concerts...

>
> JB, Gadget, and Jennifer turned to see the Aussie Mouse, who was looking
> melancholy outside a window.

MIKE: This is like one of those quantum universe stories where it's told in
every verb tense.

>
> Montey: "This place can't hold anything for us anymore, Mates.
> Especially from what I hear from the Disney Brass.

TOM: What I hear from the Disney woodwinds is more encouraging, but...

> You know that Fringe
> Crap I've been telling you about? Miramax? People from the American
> Way?

CROW: Nike? Sun? Resnick's Troy Mattress Warehouse? White Castle?

> All this Political garbage that Michael Eisner brought with him
> that's got a stranglehold of that company? Well, it's getting worse,
> and it's making Uncle Walt turn over in his urn. Heck, even Mickey
> Mouse left Disney over it, finally."

MIKE: Woah! Looney screed out of left field, guys! Duck!

>
> Gadget: "He finally left? Golly!"

CROW: Well, golly gosh darned gee whiz bang it all.

>
> Jonathan: "You're kidding. That mouse *made* Disney."

TOM: ...out of bubblegum and bailing wire! A miracle of animatronics!

>
> Monterey: "I'm as serious as one of Walt's strokes. He's roaming the
> US looking for talent

MIKE: What? He's overlooking the whole Internet?
TOM: Yeah, how about that.

> to make his own little kingdom the way his old man
> would make it. I hear he's hooking up with a FanFict Web Writer from
> St. Louis first.

CROW: Note to self: Put Saint Louis, Missouri together with Roanoke,
Virigina on the "things to do when we get a laser on the satellite"
list.

> Maybe we should hook up with something else as well,
> like the Legendary Rats of NIMH. Do you think they won't mind the
> Rescue Rangers moving to Thorn Valley?"

MIKE: Isn't that where the Herculoids lived?

>
> Jonathan: "I dunno, let's ask them."

TOM: Okay. You got the Herculoids' phone number?

>
> Jennifer: "I'm sure they'll won't mind."

MIKE: I'm just saying, you really should ask Mightor -- they could have
plans.

>
> Gadget: "Then let's do it!"

TOM: All right, but it's your mess when those gelatenous things slime you.

> ____________________________________________
>
> The foursome loaded up the Ranger Plane with whatever they would hold
> them for a few days.

CROW: Comic books, video games, pocket CD player...
MIKE: Food?
CROW: Nah, there'll be some somewhere.

> "Don't worry about the rest, guys," JB told them,
> "I'm sure they'll help with the rest." And prepared to fly to Thorn
> Valley.
>

MIKE: Thank you, oh God of Pointless Narration.

> Montey: "What's with the blindfold, Mrs. Briz?"

CROW: [Mrs. Brisby] I'm hoping the firing squad gets me before my character
is completely destroyed by this fanfic.

>
> Jennifer: "Oh? You've gotta excuse me, I'm still a touch afraid of
> heights,

CROW: You mean, somebody's actually going to stay in character...?
MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] Hey, you'd be an acrophobe too, if you were only 3 inches
high!

> but I'll be okay as long as I don't have to see it.

MIKE: Uh-huh.
CROW: Get the feeling "The Bob Newhart Show" should come with a warning that
that isn't *real* psychotherapy going on?

> Little
> Johnny here can lead you there."

TOM: [singing] Johnny, angry Johnny!

>
> Jonathan hopped in next to Gadget--the pilot--while Monterey and
> Jennifer took the back.

TOM: It's Gadget out in front, Jonathan keeping close behind, Monterey and
Jennifer bringing up the rear as they go into the first turn...

> (It was by this time that Zipper finally showed
> up, whom Montey quickly called him to come before they left the fly.)

MIKE: And I was SO concerned about Zipper, too...

>
> "I know the place like the back of my hand."

TOM: [Maxwell Smart] Now can someone help me find the back of my hand?

>
> Gadget got ready to take off, but she had to stop to let a flock of
> crows to pass.

CROW: Hey, look, Gadget! Ten points!

>
> Montey: "Crikey! What did they do? Build a skyway by our tree?"

MIKE: [radio announcer] Traffic will be tied up on Skyway 101... a murder of
crows is passing through. I advise an alternate route for all sparrows,
paper airplanes, balsa wood gliders, and Ranger Planes.

>
> Jennifer: "Oh, be patient on them, Monterey. Some of my best friends
> are crows."

MIKE: Brandon Lee?
TOM: That lame singer with the dreadlocks?
[Tom and Mike look at Crow]
CROW: It's not ME, guys!!

>
> Gadget and JB gave each other a 'Is she crazy or just senile?' looks.

TOM: She can be both, and more!

>
> Jonathan: "Tell me about it? Sometimes I don't watch myself and

MIKE: Feel ashamed.

> wonder that the Scientists shot *her* up with."

CROW: And when was Mrs. Brisby treated by scientists? Sometimes *I* wonder
what they gave Gonterman!

>
> Jennifer's laugh caught her off-guard

TOM: Aaaah! Don't hit me!

> for the rush from the Ranger Plane
> taking off for the skies, and heading for the countryside,

ALL: [ Engine sputtering noises, followed by plane falling and crashing
noises. ]

> rising in
> altitude for the long trip to what they will find to be the planet's
> largest rodent community.

CROW: Well, second largest, after Ypsilanti, Michigan.

>
> ============================================
>
> All right, True Believers. Let's see how long I can bring *this* baby?

TOM: So far, it's been about since the dawn of time, by my watch.
MIKE: Longer, for me.

>
> And this time, I don't see anything--or any ONE--to piss me off and stop
> me.

MIKE: [Waving hands in the air] Yo-hooo! Gonterman!
CROW: We're over here!
TOM: Let's get out and hope he's heard us.

[They leave the theater]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow are standing around, hurting. Mike is holding an
envelope.]

TOM: Relax, Crow. Dr. Forrester *did* warn us.
CROW: [hyperventilating]
TOM: Crow?
MIKE: Hey, Crow! Cool it!
CROW: [forcing himself to speak] I... cannot... go on.... must... give...
up.... lost... will to... live....
TOM: Hey! Crow! The fanfic's hardly even *started*!
CROW: [gasps in pain]
MIKE: Crow, Crow! I know something that will cheer you up... [waves envelope
in front of Crow's face] It's a letter!
CROW: [quiets.]
MIKE: That's right. Calm down. Let your breath come easy. You'll be all
right.
TOM: What's the letter say, Mike?
MIKE: [opens the flap and pulls the letter out] It's a letter from one of our
fans! This is the part of the show where we take a question from our
loyal fans and try to answer it. OK. This comes from little Billy in
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He's asking a question about the heroine of
today's fanfic...
CROW: Gadget Hackwrench?
MIKE: No, the *real* heroine of today's fanfic, Mrs. Brisby.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: He writes: "Dear Joel..."
BOTS: *Joel?*
MIKE: OK, so it's been sitting around for a while. "You know a lot about
movies, so maybe you can answer my question. Why is it that Mrs.
Brisby, from 'The Secret of NIMH', always wears that red cape of
hers wherever she goes? I asked my parents and they looked at me kind
of weird; I don't think they know."
TOM: All right; a good question. But first, little Billy, is it a *cape* or
a *cloak*?
CROW: I think it's a cape.
TOM: I dunno... seems more like a cloak to me...
MIKE: Leave it aside, guys. Answer his question.
[The bots start thinking.]
CROW: Oh! I know! I know!
MIKE: All right. Crow?
CROW: Billy, it's just like that ghost story we all heard when we were kids.
That cape is *actually* holding Mrs. Brisby's head on! If she were
ever to take it off, her head would roll away!
MIKE: Good answer. Seems likely. Hmmm.... anyone else?
TOM: Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
MIKE: Servo?
TOM: Billy, Mrs. Brisby always wears that cloak...
CROW: Cape.
TOM: That *cloak*, because it complements her eye shadow.
MIKE: Mrs. Brisby wears eye shadow?
TOM: Sure. Didn't you ever notice?
MIKE: No, but *you* would, Tom. Well, personally, *I* know *exactly* what's
going on. Mrs. Brisby wears a red cape as a political statement! Sure,
by day she *seems* a timid little field mouse, but by night she
conspires in an underground movement to overthrow the tyrannical rule of
the human dictator Farmer Fitzgibbons and establish a socialist
rodent's republic! The red cape is a token of party loyalty!
CROW: But the cape in today's fanfic is *blue!*
MIKE: Oh. Never mind.
TOM: Hey, I know! Little Billy, Mrs. Brisby wears her cloak - don't say it,
Crow - because it *identifies* her! It sets her apart; it lets you
know she's not an ordinary field mouse, but a soul, a monad, an
intelligent entity. It's a symbol of her personification and an
expression of anthropomorphism. It's like Wagnerian drama; that
cloak is Mrs. Brisby's "leitmotiv".
MIKE: I think maybe you mean "kleidmotiv", Tom.
TOM: Whatever you say, Mike.
CROW: Hey, why don't *you*, the readers at home, tell us what you think?
The question is, again: "Why does Mrs. Brisby wear that red cape of
hers wherever she goes?" Send your replies to:
[Cambot flashes the Info Club address on the screen, Crow recites it]
MIKE: And if you're that weirdo who's been sending us all of those postcards
that say, "Because Zena Bernstein said so," stop it. It's not funny.
*We mean it.*
BOTS: Yeah.

[Movie sign activates]

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(continued in part 2)