Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [4/8]
Matthew Blackwell
[Tom and Crow stand behind the command console studying
a menu.]
Crow: Steak, steak, steak. Jeez. Is there anything on this
menu that didn't come from a cow? Oh, wait. Here's
one. Chicken fried ste... Blast!
Tom: Crow, forget about the menu. We've got to figure
out what caused that nice boy, Todd, to become a
hitman.
Crow: Maybe he and Martin Blank had the same guidance
counselor. "Try our french fries! Cooked in
100% pure beef fat!"
Tom: I doubt it. Maybe there's something in Highland's
water supply that causes people to be excessively
polite. Todd. Mr. Anderson. Stewart.
Crow: How do you explain Beavis and Buttthead then? Oh,
for Pete's... "Our ice cream contains only the
finest milk, sugar and 100% Grade A beef!"
Maybe cardiologists own this bar...
Tom: Good point. And Daria was in Highland too...
[Mike enters, wearing a checkered flannel shirt and
a thick pair of black framed glasses.]
Mike: Howdy.
Crow: Hi Mike.
Mike: Bwuah! Talking robots! Peggy! Come quick!
[Mike exits, quickly.]
Tom: Yeah. Cute, Mike.
Crow: Tom, what's the big deal? Todd is a really
polite and courteous hit man. So was Francisco
Scaramanga.
Tom: Scaramanga was playing by Bond Rules. All of
his bad guys were polite. Even the gang members.
Crow: True. Hey, remember when Bond was fighting that
polar bear and they stopped for teatime?
[Mike enters again, this time wearing a tee-shirt
and jeans.]
Crow: Mike.
Mike: Heytherelittlerobotguysdangprimemodelsof
artificalintelligencerunwildsittingthere
makingfunofeverythingunderthesuninthattheater
there.
[Mike exits.]
Crow: Uh-huh. [to Tom] Anyway, maybe being polite
is just a way of getting business. Heck, would
you deal with an impolite hitman?
Tom: Well, it's never really stopped me before. Hey,
maybe we're going at this all wrong. Maybe
Todd's just a thug because they're holding his
sainted aunt hostage or something.
Crow: Well then, why wouldn't he wage a one man war
against the thugs?
Tom: Maybe he does that in the sequel.
[Mike enters, wearing an orange hat and sunglasses
and with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.]
Mike: I reckon that some people call you robots.
Some folks call you droids. Mmm hmm.
Tom: Oh, for crying out loud, Mike! That's
not even the right characterization!
Mike: Is too. I studied on it. I studied on it
quite a bit.
Tom: Dale's the conspiracy theorist, not a
psychopath.
Crow: Just get out of here.
Mike: Fine. I'll just go get my Kaiser blade. Mmm
hmm.
[Mike exits. The bots watch him exit then turn to
each other.]
Crow: Think we can call Todd to take care of him?
Tom: Couldn't hurt to try.
[Crow grabs a phone and begins dialing. After a ring
or two, the phone is picked up and Todd's voice
can be heard.]
Todd: [V.O.] Hi. This is Todd. Due to an unexpectedly
high volume of calls, I can't answer the phone
right now. But your call is very important
to me. Please stay on the line and I'll be
with you in the order that you call is received.
[Todd's voice ends and a muzak version of "Escape" begins
to play.]
Tom: I guess we're not the only ones trying to kill
someone right now.
Crow: It's the politeness, I tell you.
[The movie sign begins to flash.]
Tom: Ah. It doesn't matter. There'll be plenty of
time to kill Mike later.
Crow: Yeah. I guess so. Hey Mike! We've got Guerin
sign out here!
Mike: [O.S.] Hang on! I'm just about to do my Peggy Hill
impression!
Crow: [to Tom] There better be time to kill him later.
Tom: Yeah, yeah. I know. [Tom hits the light and the
door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[The trio enters and take their places.]
Crow: Any other imitations you want to try out here, Mike?
Mike: I suppose I could do my Urkel again...
Bots: NO!
Mike: Fine. Maybe at the Halloween party then.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 4: Keep Your Eyes on the Prize
Crow: And keep your arms straight when you swing!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>It was after dinner when the "Tank" pulled up to the Morgendorffers'
>house.
Mike: And James Garner stops in for dinner at the Morgendorffers.
> Daria got out, and said, "I'll see you at school tomorrow!" The
>"Tank" pulled away, and Daria entered the house. She headed straight
>for the dining room.
>
>"Daria, where have you been?," Helen asked her.
>
Tom: [Daria] Nowhere, mom.
Mike: [Helen] Man, I wish I was you.
>"Sorry, Mom," Daria said, "but I was over at Highland."
>
Mike: [Helen] You didn't steal their football mascot in
preparation for that big Lawndale/Highland football
game, did you dearie?
>"Seeing the old stomping grounds, eh, Daria?," Jake said.
>
Tom: [Daria] Yes. I stomped and stomped and stomped. It
was great fun.
>"You could say that," Daria replied.
Crow: [Daria] You could also say I was dancing the hula with
Bela Abzug.
> "I was trying to find some old
>friends."
>
>"Funny, Quinn said the same thing," Helen said. "Did you go together?"
>
Mike: [Helen] Oh, right, I forgot, Daria. Your sister is in
constant denial about you being her sister. Silly me!
>"No, I took the bus," Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Then this cute guy jumped aboard and started
babbling about some bong exploding or something if we
went too slow, then he started talking to this
brunette. I mean she was like, so unstylish!
>"And I got there by Trent's 'Tank'," Daria added.
>
>"How's Beavis and Butt-Head?," Jake said.
>
Crow: [Jake] Are they still unstoppable psychopathic killers?
Mike: [Quinn] Prequel, dad! We're in the prequel to that!
Crow: [Jake] Oh, right!
>"Jake! Don't you dare mention those two sick-minded cretins in this
>house!," Helen roared at him.
>
Tom: [Helen] Besides, what kind of stupid question is that? You
should ask WHO she met first!
Mike: Okay, there's your cue, Crow!
Crow: For?
Mike: Dark Side of the Moon!
Crow: Yeah, like we have a stereo in here...
Mike: ...oh.
>"Sorry, Dear!," Jake said meekly.
>
Mike: Nice to know these two have a healthy, open marriage.
>Helen looked at Daria's face. "Daria," she asked, "your face is all
>red. That rash isn't coming back, is it?"
>
Mike: Time to get the iodine.
Bots: No!
>Daria realized that it had to be from when she was crying.
>
Tom: Wouldn't she have time to recover?
Crow: Nah! In scene changes, things go by faster than Sonic
the Hedgehog.
>"No," she said, "I got a bit sunburned."
>
Crow: [Daria] It was kind of a wet, salty cheeks-only sunburn.
>"Daria," Helen said, "I know when you're trying to pull a fast one on
>me! Were you crying over something?"
>
Tom: [Helen] Were you really in Florida?
>"OK, I'll admit it," Daria finally broke down. "I ran into Todd and he
>gave me a scare."
>
Mike: [Daria] Then I tricked him into Freddy's trap and we found
out that he was really Ben Stein!
>"Oh, no!," Helen said. "I just hope you didn't run into him yourself,
>Quinn."
>
>"No I didn't!," Quinn replied, too quickly.
>
>Helen didn't noticed that both her daughters had just lied to her.
>
Crow: [Helen] You ran into a sexual predator? That's nice,
honey...
Tom: Lying makes baby Torgo cry.
>"We do have some beef stroganoff left over if you want it, Daria,"
>Jake said. "I made it myself."
>
Crow: Tuesday is Ptomaine Night at the Morgendorffers.
>"It's a rare day where you cook, Dad," Daria said. "What happened at
>work?"
>
Mike: Emeril stopped by.
Tom: [Emeril] We add a little angst to the story, and kick it up
a notch, BAM!!!
>"We got that big contract from the county government, and, as a
>result, I got a hefty raise!," Jake said.
Crow: He got the Glengarry account!
> "I felt like celebrating by
>doing the cooking for a change."
>
Tom: And not, say, going to a fancy restaurant or something like
that!
>"Well," Daria said, "if you don't mind, I'm not too hungry right now.
Crow: [Daria] Especially for dad's "masterpieces".
>I'm just going to do my homework and then go to bed."
>
Mike: Not that she'll actually FINISH her homework.
Tom: She's using it to make her fall asleep. Good idea, that.
>"OK," Helen said, "but we'll leave the leftovers in the refrigerator
>for you in case you get hungry later on..
Tom: Mmmm BOY! Cold beef stroganoff!
> Good night, Dear!"
>
Mike: Intense dinner intrigue!
>"Good night, everyone!,"
Crow: And a "La la, LA-la la" to you too. Let's roll.
[Crow stands.]
Mike: No can do. Please stay seated.
Crow: Blast.
[Crow sits.]
> Daria said as she headed upstairs. She went
>to her room and did her homework. After that (since it wasn't too
>much),
Tom: Just some complex trigonometry questions! Nothing more!
> she tuned into "Sick Sad World". There was a report about a
>pedophile who abducted a five year old girl, raped her and then killed
>her.
Tom: Odd. "Sick Sad World" usually sticks to the bizarre
news rather than the disgusting.
Mike: This lovely bit of nightmare fuel brought to you today by
Peter Guerin.
Crow: She depresses the audience! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
> Daria got that awful image of Todd kidnapping and sexually
>assaulting her again,
Tom: But it was mixed with some cute fluffy bunnies, so it
all balanced out!
> and she dropped the remote with an audible gasp.
>
Mike: Reality TV. Cheap entertainment, or outrageously shocking
footage? We'll find out in a moment.
>Daria got up, left her room and then banged on the door to Quinn's
>room. Quinn opened the door.
>
Tom: [Quinn, grumbling] This better not be Halloween, 'cause I
don't have any cand... oh, hi Daria.
>"What do you want, Daria?," Quinn sneered at her.
>
Crow: Did she go to the Johnny Rotten School of Greetings?
>Daria pushed her aside, entered her room, and slammed the door shut.
Tom: [Quinn] Yes, do come in.
>She then grabbed Quinn by the shoulders, threw her on the bed and went
>right to her face.
>
Mike: Oooooookay, now we're just getting creepy!
Crow: Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly star in "Bound 2: Lawndale
Bound".
>"You listen to me, and you listen to me good!," snarled a now very
>angry Daria.
Mike: And here I was briefly deluded that the blandly controlled
Daria was in the room. Well, live and learn.
> "I know that you and your stuck-up friends at the Fashion
>Club were speaking to Todd at the Grungy Bull Grill in Highland
>today."
>
Tom: [Daria] And I want in! No wait...
>"And how do you know that?," Quinn said in mock innocence.
>
Crow: [Daria] A Grungy Little Bird told me.
>"Because we met a guy on the Interstate who said he saw you and your
>friends talking to him when he was there!," Daria roared back.
Tom: She should audition for the T-Rex role in the next Jurassic
Park.
Crow: [Daria] And he sold propane! And his series is on FOX! I
don't know if I should laugh or cry.
> "Do you
>know what he said to me about your rather interesting conversation
>with him?"
>
Mike: That he sells propane and propane accessories?
>"No, what?," said Quinn, now getting hysterical.
>
Crow: [Daria] Well! He... er... um... sells propane! Yes!
There's my proof! You're through, Quinn!
>"He told me that you and your friends want Todd to teach David
>MacAllister a 'lesson' for trying to run for Student Government
>President," Daria continued.
Tom: And I bet he's not even certified by the state Board of
Education!
> "How dare you even go to him, Quinn!
Crow: [Daria] I told you I get the first crack at contract hits!
> You
>know what he did to me! Or do I have to remind you?"
>
All: No! No, that's okay! Stop it there! Please, we beg you!
>With that, Daria suddenly grabbed Quinn by the collar of her smiley-
>face T-shirt, ripped it down the middle, then unhooked her front-
>closing bra.
[Silence]
Mike: Daria, you don't have to remind her *that* way...
Tom: And now we've crossed the line from "Creepy" into a whole
entirely new weird area!
Mike: This must be Joe Esterhaz's version of Daria!
Crow: You know, in other circumstances, I'd kind of
enjoy two teenage girls fighting on top of a bed.
Tom: Not in this one though?
Crow: Nope.
> She then smacked her across the face.
>
Mike: Gallant goes into her sister's room to talk to her
about her decision to meet with her rapist. Goofus
simply brutalizes her herself.
>"Daria, stop it!," Quinn said;
Tom: That was her favorite t-shirt, and now you ruined
it! Bad Daria! Bad!
Mike: [Daria] Actually, I'm getting kind of turned...
Bots: No!
> she was beginning to cry.
>
Tom: Lord, I know how she feels!
>"If Todd does anything to David, I swear to God I'll tell the
>police!," Daria said.
Crow: [Daria] Don't make me bring those incompetent policemen
into this fanfic!
> "And you can tell that bitch Sandi and the rest
>of those bitches on the Fashion Club that it'll go double for them as
>well!"
>
Mike: She'll tell two police?
>"My friends aren't bitches!," Quinn yelled.
>
Tom: [Quinn] We checked on TheSpark.com!
>"They are too!," Daria said. She then added something that was really
>uncharacteristically for her:
>
Mike: Not like we haven't seen any of that before in Guerin fic.
Crow: [Daria] Does my rage make me look fat?
>"And you can tell them that they're all self-centered, lousy, stuck-up
>motherfucking cunts!
Tom: Suddenly the story takes a nasty turn! Well, another one.
Crow: [Daria] And their shoes are last year's style too!
Mike: [Quinn] Noooo!! That's not true! They're hip, trendy shoes!
> And if they decide to sic Todd against me for
>that, I swear I'll do to him what Lorena Bobbitt did to John Wayne
>Bobbitt!"
>
Crow: What, she's going to marry him?
Mike: Um... ah... no.
Tom: Well, that bit wasn't *that* uncharacteristic.
Crow: Once you've got a good threat - run with it!
Mike: It's bad enough we saw this in the OTHER Guerin fanfics,
but to be used again?!?
>With that, she left the room, slamming the door behind her.
Mike: [Daria] I would wait until you cry uncle, but I decided
to let you sulk. Good night!
> Quinn
>collapsed and cried.
>
>Luckily, after dinner, Jake and Helen decided to go see a movie.
Tom: Crouching Todd, Hidden Daria.
> They
>thought it would be OK if Daria and Quinn were left alone. How little
>did they know about what happened.
>
Mike: Mr. & Mrs. Clueless, loving parents.
Crow: Luckily? I guess we're supposed to applaud Daria's
little outburst?
>Daria got back to her room, got on her cellular phone, and called
>Jane.
>
Crow: Yep, after brutalizing someone, I'd call someone too
just to brag!
>"Jane, it's Daria," she said.
>
Tom: *click* *booooooooooop*
>"What's up?," Jane asked. "You sound upset."
>
Tom: [Daria] Nah. I just assaulted my sister.
Mike: [Jane] Ah. So, you wanna go get some lunch?
>"I just read Quinn the riot act about her and her friends talking to
>Todd,"
Tom: [Daria] She got bored halfway through so I switched to "The
Tidy Teddy Bear Family".
> Daria said. "I got real mad at her and roughed her up a bit.
Crow: She abuses her annoying sister! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>We've got to do something."
>
Tom: [Jane] Maybe we should get you some anger management
counseling.
>"Maybe we should do what David said and go to the Department of
>Education," Jane said.
>
>"I guess we should. They do have an office in downtown Lawndale,"
>Daria pointed out.
>
Crow: Why, it's next to the Starbucks that just opened a few
seconds ago!
Tom: Downtown Lawndale! The center of the universe now brought
closer to home!
>"Well, it's getting late," Jane said. "I'll continue this conversation
>on our walk to school tomorrow. I'll see you then. Bye."
>
Mike: It's actually not so much a conversation as a series of terse,
disjointed statements.
>"Bye, Jane," Daria said. She hung up the phone, took off her clothes,
Crow: [Daria] Hmph, never noticed this vestigial tail before.
>put on her blue T-shirt and yellow shorts she always wore to bed,
Tom: Oh, couldn't Guerin just say her nighties?
Crow: And miss the potential to list off Daria's wardrobe? No way!
> and
>went to sleep.
>
Mike: Then again, the whole *story* is pretty much an extended
series of disjointed, terse statements.
>She wasn't asleep for too long when she had a nightmare.
Crow: o/~ Exit night! Enter light! o/~
> She was in
>the middle of a desert.
Mike: Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty were chasing her on a camel.
> She was trying to run, but her feet kept
>sinking into the sand. Todd then appeared out of nowhere, wielding a
>jackknife.
>
Tom: [Todd] Fear me, Daria, for I wield the power of Greg
Louganis! Bwah-ha-ha!
>"I know I should have finished the job when I had the chance," he
>said. He got nearer and nearer to her.
>
Crow: American Psycho 2: The Misery Chick Killer.
>"Keep away from me, Todd!," Daria said.
Tom: Apparently cold-blooded criminals are impervious to quicksand.
> He got closer. "Keep away from
>me!," she said again.
Crow: Strangely, he refused to keep away from her.
Mike: Todd doesn't respond well to verbal commands.
> He raised the knife up and was going to plunge
>it into her heart.
Crow: Oh, I've seen this! Daria burns Todd with a torch, freeing
him from Mola Ram's control.
Mike: Gee, thanks for spoiling it.
> Daria screamed. She wrenched herself awake. She was
>breathing heavily.
>
Tom: She'd been making obscene phone calls in her sleep.
>Daria was deeply tortured in her soul now. She just needed to get
>away.
>
Mike: So, she grabbed a school bus and left Tom Green to watch
her snake and headed to Austin.
>Daria got up, got dressed again, and slipped out of the house.
Crow: Damn banana... and why did the window have to be open?
I am deeply puzzled.
> She
>went down the street and saw the Temple Beth Israel, a Reform temple.
Tom: As formed by Rabbi H. Ross Perot.
>The lights, surprisingly, were still on.
Mike: Funny, kinda like a high school's lights are kept on at
night for security reasons! Who'd thunk it?
> She entered and sat at a pew
>about midway to the altar.
Tom: She sat on a Warner Brothers skunk?
Crow: Eet ees love, non?
> The rabbi there was praying the Shema.
Mike: A prayer for the Warrior Princess.
> He
>got up and noticed Daria.
>
Mike: [rabbi] Hey, what are you doing here? This is rabbi's
private time with God. Now shoo!
>"My child," the rabbi said, "is something bothering you?"
>
Mike: [Daria] *You* are, at the moment.
>"Rabbi," Daria said, "I am is such a mess right now."
>
Crow: As evidenced by her speech patterns...
Tom: I can't...
Mike: You're about to make a joke about God and the big I AM,
aren't you?
Tom: Yeah, but -
Crow: Don't you think we're suffering enough without you
piling on?!
>"Tell me, my child," the rabbi said, "what is bothering you."
>
Crow: [Daria] Sometimes I get the feeling I'm stuck in a
place that worships shallowness and popularity over
intelligence and talent. But enough about my
network...
>Daria drew a deep breath and began:
>
Tom: And now, for those who slept through this fanfic, here's
our recap...
>"When I was seven years old, someone kidnapped me and then sexually
>abused me.
Mike: That's enough to talk to a rabbi about, alright.
Tom: There's more, Mike.
Mike: Shoot.
> He got off on a technicality. Now, almost ten years later,
>my sister and her friends are asking the same creep to do some bodily
>harm to a kid I know at school who's in Special Education and is
>running for Student Government President.
Crow: [Rabbi] Wow, what a crappy plot - I mean go on, my child!
> My life is in such turmoil
>right now."
>
Mike: [Daria] Plus, they've canceled "3rd Rock from the Sun".
Where's the justice, I ask you?
>"My child, are you Jewish yourself?," the rabbi, who was named
>Benjamin Cohen, asked her.
>
Crow: The lost Cohen brother.
Mike: [Daria] No, I shopped around to find the most sympathetic
religion before coming here.
>"Yes, I am," Daria said, "and I'm in the Reformed denomination."
>
Tom: She makes it sound like they're Methodists.
>"I have heard of the youth you mentioned," Rabbi Cohen said; "David
>MacAllister, right?"
>
Crow: [Rabbi] Is he Jewish as well, My Child?
>"Yes," Daria said.
>
>"He is such a brave young man," Rabbi Cohen said.
Crow: [Rabbi] Is it really bravery, or simple political opportunism?
> "Somehow, he reminds
>me of Moses going at the bidding of God to tell the Pharaoh to free
>the Israelites.
Crow: [Cohen] He's like a young, whinier, disarmed Charlton Heston.
> I have heard of the horror stories that have happened
>to Special Education students at Lawndale High.
Tom: And they say the ghost of Susie Halliwell haunts the
classrooms to this day, looking for her lost hall pass!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!
> For far too long,
>their cries have gone unheeded.
Mike: [Rabbi] Why, I myself heard their cries and yet did
nothing about the problem at all!
> Finally, God has found a deliverer for
>them.
Mike: I bet the postage rates from Heaven are really high.
Tom: Wow. So this IS a mission from God? Ooooookaay.
Crow: In the form of a political activist! What could be worse?
> He will be the instrument from whence God shall deliver the
>oppressed Special Education students from their suffering.
Crow: [Cohen] True, all his companions will die in the desert -
but hey, their kids are going to have it just fine!
Mike: o/~ When Daria was at Lawndale High -
Let My Students Go-o-o-o... o/~
> God
>sometimes works wonders by using the people you least suspect are
>capable of accomplishing the impossible.
Mike: So God orders people to do things?
Tom: [God] You, go stop that tinpot dictator! You, end apartheid
in South Africa! You, go run for Student President in a
goofy fanfic!
> Have faith in God, my child.
>He has always looked out for His people. The victory is His, for as
>the psalmist said in Psalm 46, 'God is our refuse
Mike: [Daria] Boy, *that's* inspiring.
Crow: Um, Pete, that's a rather *significant* typo there!
Tom: Blessed are the trashmakers, for they shall be recycled.
> and strength,
Mike: Strength compliments of the All-Mighty and GNC.
> a very
>present help in time of trouble.' He who would stop mighty armies from
>harming His people and will break the spear in two and cast the
>chariot into the fire
Crow: [Cohen] So you see, Daria, God's actually pretty cool after all!
> will see to it that justice is done for the
>Special Education students."
>
[All snicker.]
Mike: Yeah, then the Fashion Club is gonna try to steal the Ark
of the Covenant just to even the balance!
>"Thanks, Rabbi," Daria said; "I think I'm beginning to feel better."
>
Crow: [Daria] If somewhat perplexed that you're comparing
Davey to Moses. Is David going to turn the water in
the fountains into blood?
Mike: [Rabbi] You bet!
Crow: [Daria] That's it, I'm converting to Scientology. Couldn't
be anymore ridiculous.
>"Go in peace, my child," the rabbi said. He then stood up and gave the
>ancient Aaronic blessing:
>
Tom: [Hank Aaron] The pitcher has got only a ball. I've got a bat.
>"The LORD bless you and keep you. The LORD shine His face upon you and
>be gracious to you. The LORD lift His countenance upon you and give
>you peace. Amen."
>
Crow: Odd. It sounds like John _-_ Winston wrote that.
>Although she didn't count matters of faith for much, for Daria, this
>had an impact on her.
Mike: Just for this story.
> She went home, and went back to bed. She slept
>soundly for the rest of the night.
Tom: Missing the news report about the escaped mental patient who
was found in a local temple.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Daria got up a bit early. She got dressed, slipped out of the house,
>and caught up with Jane.
Tom: Whoops, forgot your breakfast!
> She was on her usual morning run, wearing a
>white headband, gray sweatshirt, red shorts, white socks and white
>sneakers.
>
Mike: What *is* this obsession Pete has with telling exactly
how everyone is dressed?
Crow: Well, everybody's got their own little authorial trademark,
Mike.
Tom: Just be glad there's no reason for a long, repetitive
recitation of ranks and titles.
>"This is a surprise," Jane said. "You're not usually up this early."
>
Mike: [Jane] You're REALLY getting out of character now, aren't
you?
>"I had a rough go of it last night," Daria said. "So I went to my
>temple and spoke to the rabbi. he helped me put things into
>perspective."
>
Tom: [Jane] What temple? What rabbi?
[All gasp.]
>Suddenly, Trent showed up.
>
Tom: Bet his bandmates wish he'd do that at rehearsals.
Crow: And he was immediately shot by Rally.
Mike: Wrong story, Crow.
>"Janey! Daria! I need to talk to you!," he said.
>
Crow: [Trent] Me and Jesse got into a fight over Monique
and I need help stashing the body!
>"Trent, what are you doing up?," Jane asked him.
Tom: [Jane] You're not usually up this early.
Mike: [Trent] Oh. I just haven't been to bed yet.
>
>"I've just got an idea," he said.
Mike: [Trent] I call it a Frisbee! We'll make BILLIONS!
> "I know how we can get some media
>attention on this matter."
>
Tom: And so Howard Stern rolled into Lawndale...
>"What do you mean, Trent?," Daria asked him.
>
Mike: [Trent] I mean, let's drop David down a well. If that
doesn't work, we can drop a puppy in there with him.
>"Well," Trent said, "I guess you ladies have heard of the band Rage
>Against the Machine?"
>
Crow: [Daria] Um, Trent? Are you rambling random thoughts again?
Tom: [Trent] You like cookies? Who'll win the Stanley Cup?
You've heard of Fresno?
>"Yes, we have," Daria said.
>
Crow: Buncha neo-commie troublemakers, right?
Tom: Mike? Do all musicians know each other?
Mike: Yep.
>"Well, we opened for them once when they played at McGrundy's Pub,
Tom: [Solomon Grundy] Come to McGrundy's Pub! If we no crush
Super Friends, drinks on house!
>where we have our usual Sunday night jam," Trent said. "I got to
>become good friends with them. Lead singer Zack de la Rocha told me
>that if I ever needed anything from him, to call him."
>
Mike: Rage & Mystik Spiral are both members of the Justice League
of Unmusical Atonal Bands.
>"Gee, I didn't know you know Rage Against the Machine," Jane said,
>rather impressed.
>
Mike: [Trent] I know Kip Winger too. He mows our lawn during the
summer.
>"All I have to do is call them and let them know what's happening,"
Crow: They would leave so fast from this fanfic...
>Trent continued. "When they show up, no one's going to give them any
>crap. I can guarantee it."
>
Mike: Unlike Trent's performances. [rimshot]
>"Well, what are you waiting for?," Jane said. "Call them."
>
Tom: [Trent] Whoa there, Jane, let's not take things THAT far!
>"I intend to do that after I have my morning nap," Trent said.
>
Crow: It may be a matter of life and death, but NOTHING gets
in the way of Trent's nap time!
>"You never change, do you, Trent?," Daria asked him.
>
Tom: Yes, Trent is the same brain-dead musician we all know
and love!
Crow: Yes, don't ever change, Trent! Even if it means
advancing the plot quicker!
>"Hey, it's good to have a routine; it gives one's life structure!,"
>Trent replied.
>
Mike: And it keeps one's life redundant and dull, just like this
scene!
>Jane snickered over that remark.
>
Tom: [Jane] Tee hee, it's funny because he has no structure!
>"Got to go, ladies," Trent said. He walked back toward the Lane
>residence.
>
Tom: Ooh, la dee da, he's going to his *residence*!
Mike: What do you call it?
Tom: A people-hole!
>"I can't wait to tell David about this," Jane said, rather unusually
>excited;
Mike: Hey, join the club. EVERYONE'S out of character today!
> "this is the type of attention that this situation calls
>for."
>
Crow: And not like, say, a special on 20/20.
Tom: Yeah! Let's invite in a bunch of radical troublemakers!
*That'll* help foster a peaceful solution!
>"Well, let's see how things turn out first," Daria said.
>
Mike: [Daria] Let's just act surprised when something goofy
happens!
>"Well, I've got to finish my morning run, then I've got to change into
>my regular clothes and get ready to go to school," replied Jane.
Tom: Then she'll stroll to school, open the door, walk to class,
and sit in her desk.
> "I'll
>catch up with you there. In the meantime, there's a good greasy spoon
>around the corner that has a good $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special."
>
Crow: Must be one heck of a magic spoon!
>"I just might go for it," Daria said; "I have the feeling I'm going to
>need some extra energy."
>
Mike: [Daria] Or cholesterol. Whichever.
>Jane ran down the street while Daria went to the diner, which was
>called Smoggy Ralph's Bistro.
Crow: [snickering] And with an appealing name like that, he's
gotta be raking in the customers!
> When she stepped in and took a seat, the
>waitress came up to her.
>
Mike: o/~ No one can save us, from Kim the waitress! o/~
>"What'll it be, Miss?," she asked Daria.
>
Crow: Shot of whiskey. I'll need it for at least half this fanfic.
>"What's the $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special like?," Daria asked the
>waitress.
>
Tom: It's like a cool breeze on a warm spring day!
>"Well," the waitress began, "it consists of eggs, a short stack of
>pancakes,
Crow: Oh, a *short* stack. No wonder they can grab you on the price.
> your choice of bacon, sausage or ham, and your choice of
>milk, orange juice, regular coffee or decaf."
>
Mike: [Waitress] Oh, and a free angioplasty balloon. You'll need
it later.
Crow: Little did Daria suspect that her choice of the bacon over
the sausage would come back to haunt her later, as the -
as - oh, you finish it, I'm bitter!
>"I guess I'll take it," Daria said. The waitress left to process the
>order.
Tom: Hey, wait a minute! She hasn't chosen her side dishes yet!
> It was getting a bit hot in the diner, so Daria
>uncharacteristically took off her green jacket, exposing the brown T-
>shirt she wore underneath it. She also took off her glasses and wiped
>them. Unnoticed by Daria, David walked in; he noticed her and was
>surprised.
>
Crow: [David] Wow! I thought she'd *never* clean those glasses! You
could practically grow crops on them!
>"Daria, is that you?," he asked her.
>
Tom: [Daria] Daria's not in right now. If you'd like to leave
a message, I'll be happy to give it to her.
>Daria suddenly looked up and noticed David.
>
Mike: A very blurry and distorted David.
Tom: [Daria] Oops! My glasses! Heh.
>"Oh! David!," Daria sais in surprise; "I didn't know it was you!"
>
Crow: Yeah, that voice could be lots of things! [pause] Oh wait,
we're in a text-based universe, aren't we?
>David looked at her without her glasses.
>
Tom: Well, they're not his. Of COURSE he wouldn't look at her
with her glasses.
>"Did anyone ever tell you that you look beautiful without your glasses
>on?," he said to her.
>
Mike: [Daria] Did someone say something? Really, who's there?
>Daria found the remark odd.
>
Tom: She wasn't the only one.
>"Uh, no, as far as I know," she finally said, blushing.
>
Mike: David's getting off flirting too easy.
Crow: I sense a wakachika moment a few chapters from now.
>"Also, that's a pretty interesting T-shirt you have on," David
>continued.
>
Tom: Yeah, that shade of brown brings out her blandness really
well!
>"Well, it's just a plain old brown T-shirt," Daria said; "it doesn't
>have anything on it."
>
Crow: [Daria] Well, except for this gravy stain from supper last
night. Good job it blends right in with the brown, huh?
>"I bet you also have great looking legs beneath those combat boots of
>yours," David said.
>
Mike: [David] Look, I'm flirting with you, don't you get it?
>"David, this is pretty weird," Daria said,
All: Thank you!
Mike: At least *someone* recognizes it.
> not necessarily embarrassed
>or uncomfortable, but merely stunned;
Mike: [Daria] David, there's a time for everything, but I'm having
breakfast!
Crow: [David] Want me to scramble your eggs? Fry your bacon? Eh?
Eh? Nudge...
> "You think I'm pretty? By my own
>admission, I dress rather plainly."
>
>"You know what they always say," David said; "'Beauty is in the eye of
>the beholder.'"
>
Mike: Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is racing to the scene...
>"You know, no one's ever praised my looks," Daria replied; "I'm not
>necessarily a guy magnet. That's my sister Quinn's department."
>
Tom: Guy magnets 'r us, sister company of Chick magnets 'r us,
a Tom Servo division.
>"Daria," David said, "I know you dress the way you do as a reaction of
>what Todd did to you.
Crow: No matter how unlikely that seems.
Mike: I thought it was to rebel against the social elite?
Tom: Come on, Mike. Deep down, she dresses like that because
of the plot having to revolve around her clothes!
> But you've got to realize that for every Todd
>out there, there's lots of other guys like me.
Crow: Oh, *that's* comforting.
Mike: Yes ladies, for every scumbag hitman, there's lots of guys
out there with practically no social skills.
Tom: Boy, that dating scene keeps getting bleaker and bleaker,
huh?
> Daria, I knew it from
>the very depths of my soul when I first met you, that you are a very
>special person.
Tom: [Daria] So you're saying I'm one of you guys?
Crow: [David] Not in THAT sense...
> You're not afraid to tell it like it is. You don't
>take any bullshit from anyone.
Mike: Not even from the bulls.
> I like that in a person.
Crow: [David] I also have a fetish for chicks in combat boots.
> Daria, if I
>may be so bold, I want to tell you that I love you.
Tom: [Daria, crying] Stop! You had me at bullshit!
> And I mean it from
>the bottom of my heart."
>
Crow: [David] My left ventricle, on the other hand, has some
mixed feelings.
>Daria was overwhelmed. No one ever told her that they loved her. This
>was amazing.
>
Mike: Not to mention just a tad bit premature.
Tom: They JUST MET!
Crow: Er, wouldn't Jake or Helen have said this to her at
*some* point in her life?
>"David, I don't know what to say," Daria finally spat out.
All: EWWWWWW!
Crow: Man, I hate it when I have a sentence stuck between my teeth!
> Before she
>knew it, she flung herself across the table and began to French kiss
>David; her leg was rubbing up against his.
>
Tom: So what lesson have we learned here? That offering
compliments to the mildly depressed gets you a free
session of tonsil tennis?
>The waitress approached with Daria's order.
>
Mike: [waitress] Miss, you forgot to tell me what you want
for side dishes... oh wait, you already made your
decision, I see. Okay!
>"Holy moley!," the waitress said.
Tom: It's Billy Batson - drag queen!
> "I'd better set this aside until you
>finish up! Far be it from me to spoil a romantic moment like this!"
>
Mike: Of course, by "romantic" she means "purely physical lust".
Tom: [waitress] I'll just go put some Barry White on.
>Daria and David suddenly sprang apart.
>
Crow: [Coily] NOOOOOOOOOOOO springs! *cuckoo*
Tom: Oh, for... You just *knew* that was what she really
wanted!
Mike: Of course. They hadn't paid their bill yet.
>"WHOOPS!," Daria said. "Sorry! I got a bit carried away."
>
Mike: A BIT?
Tom: [Daria] I only meant to just snuggle! Honest!
>"Do you want anything, Sir?," the waitress said to David.
>
Crow: [David] Um, two breasts - EGGS!!! Two eggs, over
my hinder. EASY!!! Two EGGS!!! Over EASY!!!
>"Uh, er, I'll take the $1.99 Early Bird Breakfast Special," he finally
>said.
>
>The waitress went to process the order.
Crow: Wait a minute. Side dish? Hello? What about the drink to
wash it all down?
Tom: Geez. The service here is horrible.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>After breakfast, Daria went back to her house, and did something
>unusual.
Mike: She spray-painted her parents' cars a bright turquoise?
Tom: She recited the lyrics to "Jambalaya" while standing on her
head?
Crow: She had a pleasant thought?
> She slipped off her boots, took off her green jacket and put
>on some red lipstick. She then dug out a pair of high heel shoes she
>once wore underneath the bridesmaid gown she once wore to a wedding.
Crow: That's it. Nothing else. This will certainly surpass the
PG-13 rating for sure now.
>Luckily, no one else was up yet, and she darted out of the house
>again.
Tom: [Daria] Hmm, wonder what that gassy smell was?
> Jane was going down the street when she noticed the change in
>Daria.
>
Crow: [Jane] Daria! You've lost all the gray from your hair!
Tom: [Daria] Thank you, Grecian Formula 16.
>"WHOA!," Jane said, "Don't tell me Quinn got another 'A' on an English
>essay and got smart again!"
Mike: Don't tell me she's making another lame reference to the show!
> She knew the last time Daria put on makeup
>done herself up was the last time Quinn got such a grade on an essay.
>
Crow: Yes, Quinn's essay scores were in direct proportion to her
sister's tartiness, or, expressed as a formula, Q(es)::D(t)
>"No," Daria said; "I'm in love with David.
Tom: I know I won't affect anything after this, but THEY...
JUST... MET!
Crow: But Servo! They French kissed! It means something!
Tom: Oh, stick a Hanes in it, Crow.
> He wanted to know what I'd
>look like in high heels for a change."
>
Crow: [Daria] It's your basic "flamingo on stilts" look.
Mike: How about doing it on a DATE?
Tom: Nuts to that, Mike. They might as well do some wakachika
during lunch.
>"Man, you've got legs to die for," Jane said in a half-laugh.
>
Crow: [Jane] In fact, I'll pledge an oath of allegiance to your
legs and go fight some obscure battle somewhere just for
them!
>"Normally, I'd die from embarrassment or rip your throat out," Daria
>said, "but I'll let it slide this time."
>
Tom: And everything this series stood for just died, whimpering
like a beaten puppy.
>They got into the school and got to their homeroom.
Mike: So all the people who are "not awake yet" are late for
school or work?
> Timothy O'Neill,
>who was the girls' English teacher, doubled as their homeroom teacher.
Crow: Timothy won't fall down a well or something THIS episode,
right?
Mike: No, Crow, he won't.
>After checking attendance, he motioned to Daria and Jane.
>
Crow: [O'Neill] Girls, have either of you ever read Nabokov?
>"Ms. Li wants to see the both of you at her office during your second
>study hall period," he said. "It's about David MacAllister's
>petition."
>
>"Uh, oh," Jane said, "I think someone is trying to knock our man off
>the ballot!"
>
Tom: They're playing King of the Mountain with the precious
student election system!
Crow: Those bastards!
>"You always keep thinking the worst, don't you, Jane?," Daria said.
>
Mike: Kettle, meet pot. Pot, meet kettle.
>"Hell, it's a habit," Jane confessed.
Crow: Sally Field *IS* Jane Lane *AS* "The Flying Cynical Nun"!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
Crow: Looks like someone forgot to ASCII us a sheep dog on the
edge of that cliff!
>When they got to Ms. Li's office, David was there, as well as Sandi
>and Tiffany, who was acting as Sandi's campaign manager.
>
Crow: Actually, Tiffany's just a figurehead: James Carville is the
real power behind the throne.
Mike: What are they doing here? Is someone trying to knock off
Sandi's petition as well?
Tom: Petition? Well, gee, you think they would've thought of
THAT...
>"Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Li, I'm glad you came," Ms. Li said.
Tom: How glad? You'll know in a moment.
> "It's
>about the petition Mr. MacAllister submitted to run for Student
>Government President."
>
Crow: [Ms. Li] It slipped into the shredder! Oops!
>"Don't tell me it isn't stapled correctly or is on the wrong colored
>paper," said Daria rather sarcastically.
>
Mike: Don't tell me another dull plot point is coming up, Crow
said in exasperation.
Tom: [Daria] Look, I didn't even fold it, okay? Just pass
the stupid petition so the plot can resume!
>"No," Ms. Li shot back, "it's that there are quite a few ineligible
>people who signed this petition.
Crow: [Ms. Li] I don't think Carson Daly's even registered at
this school. And, Daria, who is this "Al Gore" fellow?
And these people... "Rally Vincent", "Usagi", "Beavis",
"Butthead", "Yerko"... who the heck are these people?
> As you know, since most Special
>Education students are 'self-contained," or spend all day in one
>classroom, they do not vote for homeroom representatives or for any
>other office in Student Government.
Mike: Uh, that sounds like a stretch. So you're ADMITTING that
they can't vote, instead of hiding behind a "self-
contained" blanket? Li, you're slipping.
Crow: Sheesh, even Slobadan Milosevic had better 'reasons' to
dismiss democratic activism.
> Therefore, they are ineligible to
>sign the petition.
Tom: And *immediately*, Warren Christopher shows up.
> In fact, most of the signatures are from ineligible
>persons. I'm afraid that this petition has to be rejected."
>
Tom: Don't ya get it, Mike? WELL, DON'T YA?!
Mike: Like I care anymore.
>"WHAT!," David said in anger. "I busted my ass getting those
>signatures! You can't take that away from me!"
>
Crow: [Daffy] They're *mine*, y'unnerthand?!? Mine mine MINE!!!
>"Watch your mouth, young man!," Ms. Li said.
>
Mike: [David] Well, I tried, but my nose keeps getting in
my way.
>"You just can't handle the truth," Sandi said;
Crow: Sandi Griffith IS Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Politicos".
Tom: [Sandi] Like, you want to investigate me, roll the dice and
take your chances!
> "there's a reason why
>Special Education students can't participate in Student Government
>elections.
Crow: [Sandi] I threaten them! Oops, did that come out?
> They're mentally incompetent! They don't understand the
>process!"
>
Crow: [Sandi] Look at these butterfly ballots they filled out!
>"That's the most bigoted piece of bullshit I've ever heard!" David
>said.
Tom: [David] Aside from that last Eminem CD, of course.
> The situation was aggravating his behavior problem.
Crow: Yeah, well, it's not doing much for mine, either.
> "What you
>can't handle is that people like me are born with the same rights as
>everyone else. Or have you conveniently forgotten the part of the
>Declaration of Independence that says that 'All men are created
>equal'?"
>
Mike: [David] Don't force us to stage a revival of "1776", 'cuz
if we have to, we will!
>"Retarts like you belong to a mental institution," Sandi shot back.
>
Crow: [Sandi] I mean, quoting the *Declaration of Independence*
in a debate? Like, wow!
>"WHY YOU!--," David screamed as he lunged for Sandi.
>
Tom: Well, Jefferson was no help. On to Plan B!
Crow: Wow. Two hundred and twenty-five years of American
political debate condensed into three concise sentences.
>"David, no!," Daria said, as she and Jane tried to restrain him.
>
Mike: The next governor of Minnesota, ladies and gentlemen!
Crow: Apparently, debate club isn't really popular at Lawndale
High.
Tom: Oh, why can't they handle their differences the civilized
way and have a one-on-one cage match on Pay-Per-View?
>Suddenly, the door burst open. A man who looked vaguely half white,
>half black
Mike: It's the Monochromatic Kid!
Tom: It's Frank Gorshin, from that Star Trek episode!
Crow: It's Tiger, here to kick ass and play the back nine, and
he's all out of golf tees!
> with brown dreadlocks entered the room.
>
Tom: Oh, wait, it's just Lenny Kravitz.
>"We've heard enough!," he said.
>
Mike: But he was outside! How could he hear anything?
Tom: Ah, but nothing *was* enough.
>"Who the hell are you," Ms. Li yelled, "and what are you doing here?"
>
Mike: Fanfic police! You're all under arrest for a senseless
plot going nowhere. Daria, your out of character outbursts
are gonna be noted in your permanent record.
>"The name's Zack de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage Against the
>Machine," he said.
[Silence]
Mike: Okay, this is now the goofiest crossover we've ever read.
Crow: What about when Jean Luc met the Rugrats?
Mike: This is still goofier.
> Suddenly, several other people stepped into the
>room.
Crow: People such as Marina Sirtis!
Mike: Salman Rushdie!
Tom: Former President Gerald R. Ford!
Crow: Ricky Martin!
Mike: Cheri Oteri!
Tom: Greg Norman!
> They were Zack's bandmembers: guitarist Tom Morello; bassist
>Timmy C.;
All: TIMM-ME!
> and drummer Brad Wilk.
Mike: None of who will have any lines. But hey, it's an honor
just to be mentioned.
> Also entering the room were two men
>in business suits, as well as two women.
Tom: o/~ Now swing your partner, do-si-do, swap your portfolios
and kiss the boss' floor! o/~
> Daria recognized one of them
>as her mother.
Crow: Well, I should hope so!
> Trent also entered.
>
Tom: No matter what they did, people just kept entering and
entering and entering the room.
Mike: [Trent] Don't mind me. I'm just a background character.
>Zack went up to Sandi and said, "You listen to me, you bitch!
Mike: Whoa, celebrity guest star down-talks a student?
Crow: She's not WORTH being called a bi-atch, Zackie.
> You
>don't deny anyone their basic rights as human beings because they've
>got some mental condition!"
>
Tom: [Zack] You do it so you can achieve your goals as a brutal
dictator! Speaking of which, hi Ms. Herr Li.
Mike: And we have finally become trapped in the nightmarish fantasy
land the author has made all his own.
>Sandi flinched backwards in her seat.
>
Crow: Good comeback by Sandi! I never thought of flinching to
make my narrow-minded point!
Tom: Sandi has a phobia of minor rock stars with no discernible
talent.
>The second woman who entered went up to Ms. Li. "I'm Jamie Young," she
>began,
Crow: I sell home accessories, garden accessories, ceramics,
lighting, and so much more!
Mike: Not the website, Crow.
Tom: o/~ This is the story that doesn't end. Yes it goes on
and on my friend. Some people started reading it not
knowing what it was... o/~
> "legal counsel for Rage Against the Machine. I guess you know
>Attorney Morgendorffer.
Crow: Yes, this is her daughter, Student Morgendorffer.
> These two gentlemen are Darren Steele
Mike: Brother of Trent Steele and longtime friend of Max Power.
> and Roy
>Smitts
Tom: [quickly] Switch!
> from the Lawndale office for the Federal Department of
>Education, Office for Civil Rights."
>
Mike: Yet another pointless introduction scene brought to you
by Guerin Industries.
Tom: You want politics? We got your politics! You want
bureaucracy? We got your bureaucracy! You want more
legal issues shoved up your area?
>"Ms. Li," Mr. Steele said, "Mr. Lane here, as well as Mr. de la Rocha,
>told me about the situation at Lawndale High.
Crow: [Steele] Mr. Roach would like to also star in an animated
series about disaffected youth. He has a pilot called
"Zackia" he wants you to look at...
> Excluding any Special
>Education student--regardless of whether they're self-contained or
>mainstreamed--from any student activities is in violation of the Civil
>Rights Act.
Tom: [Ms. Li] Even in my self-proclaimed Kingdom of Liville?
> We just happened to listen to your conversation; we were
>just outside the door.
Mike: [Steele] We believe no one should violate anyone else's civil
liberties - unless it's *us* and we really *really* need to!
> Those signatures are going to count, as per our
>orders. If you do not let this petition stand,
Mike: It's tired of sitting down all the time!
> we will take action,
>including withholding Federal money to Lawndale Unified School
>District
Tom: [Ms. Li] All right - we'll crush the spirits of the students
by making them sell *chocolate!*
Mike: We'll sing, and make your kids rebel against your authority!
Ha!
Crow: They're gonna tell Dubya to withhold subsides? Does he
think it's that hard?
> and possible civil and criminal action, until you are in
>compliance."
>
Crow: [Steele] We'll *force* you to be compassionate!
>"You just can't barge in here like this!," Ms. Li said.
Mike: You're tying up river traffic all the way back to Des Moines!
> "I'm going to
>call the superintendent and inform him about this!"
>
Crow: EHHH! I'm sorry, but that answer made absolutely no
reference to Zackie's threats!
Tom: It's Ms. "Stonewall" Li against La Rocha in a one-on-one!
>"The superintendent already knows about this," Mr. Smitts said.
>
Crow: For he is all-powerful and all-knowing!
>"And I won't hesitate to start civil action on behalf of David
>myself," Helen added.
>
Mike: Gallant tries to negotiate a reasonable settlement with
the school district that meets both parties' desires.
Goofus jumps straight to the lawsuit, costing the district
thousands of dollars in legal fees that could have been
used to help special-ed students instead of lawyers.
>"You can't do this!," Ms. Li said. "I'm the chief administrative
>official of this learning institution, and what I say goes!"
>
Tom: [Ms. Li] Now, where are my damn strawberries?
>"Not if it violates Federal law, ma'am," Mr. Steele replied.
>
Crow: [Ms. Li] L'ecole, c'est moi.
Tom: And not unless you've got Janet Reno in your pocket.
>"Just in case you were going to do this," Ms. Young said, "we got an
>injunction stopping you from throwing out the petition.
Crow: Is there such a thing as a preemptory restraining order?
Mike: And isn't that what they were going to do anyway?
Tom: Just smile and nod, guys.
> Mr.
>MacAllister will be running for Student Government President, or you
>will have the Federal Government all over your case so fast it won't
>even be funny."
>
Crow: Well, if they have done so much just to get David running
for President, why couldn't they use that same effort to
actually BRING equal rights to the school?
>"You think you can just get away with this!," Sandi said. "Next thing
>you know, you'll be saying that retarts like him should be
>valedictorian."
>
Tom: Well, at the moment, he does seem to be the smartest person
in the school.
Mike: ...What? Run that by me again, I think that analogy just
went over my head.
>"The only thing that's retarded is your bigoted thinking," Zack shot
>back at her.
>
Tom: FINALLY! Someone who can spell the word!
>"You have no choice in this matter, Ms. Li," Mr. Smitts said. "And,
>just in case anyone tries to do something stupid, we will have FBI
>agents and Federal Marshals here to enforce this decision."
>
Crow: Um, has there been an actual legal decision to warrant the
law enforcement agencies getting involved?
Mike: Nope. Just the usual jack-booted thuggery.
>"All right," Ms. Li said, "have it your way!
Tom: At Burger King!
> But I do intend to file a
>protest with the State Department of Education."
>
Crow: On what grounds, exactly? In fact, what kind of shot in
Satan's backyard does Li think she has?
>"The State Department of Education has been informed about this," Mr.
>Steele said; "and they said they would fully cooperate with us in this
>matter."
>
Mike: The entire world just said "Nyah!" to Ms. Li.
>"It looks like your campaign will go on after all, David," Daria said
>to him.
>
Crow: And thus the protest campaign goes on after the government
and the bureaucracy agrees with them? I thought the idea
was to CHANGE their viewpoints.
Mike: The plot's confusing enough as is, Crow.
>"I'm going to win this election and keep retarts like you out of
>Student Government if it's the last thing I ever do!," Sandi said.
>
Crow: [Lawyer] Sorry, the President and the UN Secretary-General
have already declared David the winner. You have no choice
in this.
>"Yeah," Tiffany said, "and I stand by every word she says!"
Mike: She's just begging to be incriminated against, does she?
> "Now I
>know the whole lot of them are brain-dead!," Daria said to Jane.
>
>Sandi and Tiffany walked out of the office. Daria, Jane and David
>followed. Mr. Steele
Crow: Remington?
> and Mr. Smitts
Mike: Who's just been replaced by Mr. Schroeder.
> left papers on Ms. Li's desk.
>
Tom: Here, keep yourself busy with some paperwork. It's good for
the work ethic.
>"I think that takes care of matters for now," Mr. Steel said.
Crow: Great. Another one of these guys has shown up!
> "We will
>be back."
Mike: [Steele] And next time, we break out the big guns!
Bots: NO!
Mike: [Steele] Yes! We're bringing the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary
of Education for Special Lawndale Affairs!
> Everyone else left the room, leaving Ms. Li alone.
>
Crow: [Li] Wait! Don't go! I'm so lonely! Injunct me some more!
>"Try to take over my school, will they!," she muttered to herself.
Tom: [Wicked Witch] I'll get you my pretty, and your little
retart too!
>"I'll show them! I'll show them all!"
Crow: Ah, she must be related to good ol' Dr. Forrester!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Meanwhile, in a fanfic even further away from reality...
>Daria, Jane, David and Helen were now going down the hall. Rather
>uncharacteristically for Daria,
All: AGAIN?
> she turned around and said to Helen,
Crow: [Daria] How come you didn't swear like La Rocha here?
>"Thanks, Mom, for helping us back there."
>
[All gasp.]
Tom: Thanking someone! Big step there, Daria!
Crow: I think my parser just jumped!
>"My pleasure, Daria," Helen said. "But this battle is far from over."
>
Tom: How very Zen.
Mike: I think I'm more impressed on how a plot can go nowhere and
still take over 100 pages to tell.
>Just how far they had to go was going to be shown to them real soon.
Crow: Yes, the distance to go to be gone to show how far they had
to go would soon go far enough to be shown to go to them.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Meanwhile, in a fanfic completely far away.
>An emergency meeting of the football team had just been announced.
Crow: But nobody went. Now back to our story.
> The
>coach had asked everyone over to the boys' locker room. Everyone was
>now facing the coach.
>
Mike: Yes, everyone! Including such luminaries as Mort Walker!
Crow: Katerina Witt!
Tom: Andrew, Duke of York!
Mike: Valerie Bertinelli!
Crow: Pat Hingle!
Tom: Funnyman Guichee Guy!
>"Gentlemen," he began, "I've found out who it was who ordered our
>defensive backfield to beat up those who were trying to sign David
>MacAllister's petition to run for Student Government President.
Crow: [Coach] Obviously, it should have been the Offensive Front
Four! We can't keep making these mistakes and win the
championship!
> It was
>Sandi from the Fashion Club.
Mike: Word doesn't travel fast to the coach, does it?
> Mack here told me he found out about it
>when he stumbled onto one of their meetings.
Tom: [Mack] D'oh! Don't say my name out loud!
Crow: [Mack] Do the words "PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR" mean anything?
> Therefore, given the
>grievous nature of what happened, I have no other alternative than to
>expel the defensive backfield from the team,
Tom: Oh, the backfield's in motion.
[Mike & Crow groan.]
> and I will tell Ms. Li
>about this whole affair.
Crow: The End of the Affair 2: Basic Training.
Mike: It's almost like telling a congressman that the office
has some corruptive dealings and expecting it to be
stopped.
> I can assure you that Sandi and the other
>members of the Fashion Club will be disciplined to the fullest extent
>possible."
>
Tom: What? He's gonna make them run laps?
>There was a big uproar from the members of the defensive backfield.
>
Mike: [dully] And the opposition benches in the House of Commons
roar angrily as yet another exchange of words take place...
>"You can't do that to us!," they yelled. "The opening game's this
>Saturday! There's no time to train new people!"
>
Crow: Football conscription centers soon opened up all over the
school.
>"You should have thought of that before you beat up that kid," the
>coach said.
>
Tom: But if they could think at all, they wouldn't be on the
team!
>"You're a dead man, Mack!," yelled one of the players.
Crow: Hey, why not threaten the coach too? That'll REALLY help
your resume!
> "A dead man!"
>
>"You keep Mack Daddy out of this!," Kevin suddenly found himself
>saying.
>
Tom: [Kevin] Damn mouth, it always trails off like that.
Why I oughta... I like cookies! Ugh!
>One of the defensive backs lunged for him, knocking Mack over in the
>process.
Mike: So, did he lunge for Kevin or Mack?
Tom: Who cares? They'll get clobbered either way.
Crow: [random defensive back] Look, coach, I'm the best tackler!
See? PLEASE don't kick me off the team! WAAAAH!
> A melee was soon underway.
Tom: I'd describe it more as a skirmish.
Crow: Nah, a scuffle's more appropriate.
Mike: Thank you, Mr. Thesaurus.
> The coach had to call for school
>security to diffuse the situation.
Mike: Yeah, this is a good idea - three or four paunchy geezers
trying to restrain a tankful of 200-lb hormone-charged
adolescents.
> The security personnel soon
>restored order.
>
[Tom snickers.]
Crow: Is this Lawndale or Seattle? I can never tell.
Mike: Lawndale didn't have ANY security when those nutbars
invaded in "Riff on the Lawndale Pundit."
Tom: That was after the massive layoffs when they got rid of
all the red tape and bureaucracy.
>"Now, as for those who are being kicked off the team," the coach said,
Tom: Shouldn't they be arrested?
Crow: And charged with what in this fanfic? Upsetting the plot?
>"I want your things out of the lockers by the end of the day Friday!
>Some of us are going to have to pull double duty until we have
>replacement players.
Tom: Keanu Reeves will be there Tuesday.
> If I hear any more lip from anyone about this, I
>will not hesitate to tell Ms. Li about it for appropriate action! That
>is all!"
>
Crow: You are the weakest links. Goodbye!
>The expelled players left the room, shouting "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck
>you!"
>
Tom: Kind of an aggressive koan, isn't it?
Mike: Stick and stones may break my bones, but repetition will
never hurt me.
Crow: That's what you keep on saying every fanfic.
Mike: I know.
>"We're gonna kill that motherfucking retart!," said another one of the
>players.
>
Crow: You're gonna kill a lot of people, aren't you? You sure you
don't wanna write it all down?
>Mack turned to Kevin and said, "Thanks for saving my hide there,
>Kevin." This time, he was going to overlook his being called "Mack
>Daddy".
>
Mike: Ten minutes later, Kevin called him "little buddy", sending
Mack on a murderous rampage.
>"Of course, I've probably lost some friends over this now," Kevin
>said.
>
Crow: With friends like them, who needs common sense?
>"You've still got me, man," Mack said.
Tom: Oh, *that's* reassuring!
> They left the locker room and
>headed back to class.
Mike: The moral of this scene? Swearing doesn't get you anywhere.
Crow: Neither does lunging for someone during a meeting.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The players who had just been kicked off the football team were now
>craving for revenge.
>
Tom: Hmmm, revenge. Beefy!
Mike: Check your grocery store's freezer section for the freshest
ice cold revenge!
>"When we find that retart," one of them said, "we're gonna nail his
>ass to the wall!"
>
Crow: Pfeh! Trophy hunters!
Mike: Ah, this must be another scene involving senseless
fighting by brain-dead doofuses! Hope they got their
jockstraps on!
>Daria, Jane and David were now putting up posters for the election.
Tom: David MacAllister for President. Willing to get dirty with
the campaign, willing to get dirty with the issues.
>They said, "Vote for David MacAllister for Student Government
>President. He'll bring real change to Lawndale High."
Tom: I like mine better.
> Jane had done
>them up herself.
>
Crow: [Jane] Someday the critics will look back on this as my
"Whiny Wimp Campaign" period.
>"This isn't the type of artwork I usually do," Jane said, "but it'll
>do in a pinch."
>
>"I can't believe things are going my way for once," David said.
>
Mike: A-a-a-a-and cue the plot complication - now!
>Just then, the expelled players turned the corner and saw them.
>
Tom: Translation: The bad guys say hi, then invite the good
guys over for some tea and crumpets, followed by a typical
fight scene.
>"Wait a minute!," David said. "Those are the guys who beat up Andrew!"
>
Mike: [David] I sure wish I had the Baltimore Ravens with me right
now.
Tom: [David] Wait a minute, there are posters on the wall!
>"There's the retart who got us kicked off the team!," shouted one of
>them.
>
Tom: David MacAllister's the coach? Wow, he may have ADD, but he
can assume more responsibilities than your average joe!
>"What do you mean by that?," David asked.
>
Crow: He really does have a learning problem!
>"We just got kicked off the team because of you," said another player.
>"We didn't beat that kid up!"
>
Mike: And we didn't steal no bike either!
>"I'd better have my prescription for my glasses checked, then," Daria
>said. "If I recall, you did beat Andrew up."
>
Crow: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, never mind then. Carry on.
>"Keep out of this, Misery Chick!," yelled a third player.
Tom: Mike, is she known as the "Misery Chick"?
Mike: I think she is, Tom.
Tom: Wow, I never knew that!
> Some people
>in school did call Daria that insulting name of "Misery Chick,"
Tom: NOBODY EVER CALLED HER THAT ON-SCREEN!
Crow: C'mon, Mike, one letter to Glen Eichler and Abby Terkhule
will solve this!
Mike: [mumbling] Like we aren't hated enough as it is...
> but it
>was more often than not by the members of the football team. The name
>had been coined by the late legendary Lawndale Lions football great
>Tommy Sherman,
Tom: Okay, nobody *but* Tommy Sherman, and the only people who
heard him say that were Daria and Jane!
Mike: Relax, Tom, it's just a -
Tom: I'm sick of that phrase! It's my God-given right to nit-pick!
> who died when a goalpost collapsed on top of him when
>he paid a visit to his alma mater.
>
Crow: [Paul Harvey] And NOW you know... theeeeee REST of the story!
Good DAY!
>"You know, I don't like that name, 'The Misery Chick!,'" Daria shot
>back.
>
Crow: I don't like that name, "Engelbert Humperdink", but there's
nothing I can do about it.
Mike: Yep, that's a sure-fire way of making them stop, Daria.
Tom: I don't think even shooting them will stop them.
>Suddenly, the whole lot of them began to shout in a sing-song voice:
Bots: o/~ One two, the Misery Chick's coming for you, three four,
she's gonna make you snore! o/~
>"MISERY CHICK! MISERY CHICK!"
>
Mike: The world's largest second-graders, ladies & gentlemen.
Crow: I'm still waiting for the crotch kicking to begin. What's
taking it so long?
>David got angry.
>
Mike: You wouldn't like him when he's angry... or calm, or
hungry, or sleepy.
>"Leave Daria alone!," he said. "She doesn't have anything to do with
>this!"
>
Tom: Wow, it's just a few days into his political career and
already he's lying!
>"She's your campaign manager," said a fourth player.
Crow: Wow! Jack Snow just showed up!
> "Besides, you've
>got a thing for her now, don't you? The whole school's been talking
>about how you and Daria were liplocking at Smoggy Ralph's Bistro.
Tom: Of course, visibility *was* near zero, so who can tell?
>Freaks of nature deserve each other, don't they?"
>
Crow: What about freaks of science? They shouldn't be left out.
>David couldn't take it anymore.
>
Mike: [David] Where's my security guards when I need them?
ANDREA!
>"I'M NOT A FREAK OF NATURE!," he yelled,
Crow: [David] I AM A FREE MA... ah hell.
> then hit him right across the
>face. The others lunged right for him.
>
Tom: Don't they ever tackle?
Crow: You'd think so with defensive backs, would ya?
>David suddenly screamed with an unholy yell
Tom: The part of David will now be played by Linda Blair.
> and charged right at them.
Crow: Mike, is this lack of social skills only a feature of Pete's
Lawndale High, or is it like this everywhere?
Mike: *sigh* Actually, you'd be surprised.
>
>"David, no!," Daria said. She got into the fracas.
>
Crow: Ah, finally! Kick them crotches, Daria!
>The football players now surrounded David,
Tom: Ah, this must be the part where each person comes out one
at a time, allowing themselves to get beaten up one by one.
> throwing punches at him. He
>took quite a few hits. He began to fight back, though.
>
Tom: If you could call whimpering like a mama's boy fighting
back.
Mike: Worked for me!
>"David, stop!," Daria said.
Mike: [Daria] Don't fight back! Sure, your life is in danger,
but just let yourself get beaten up!
> But David responded by throwing a few
>punches.
Crow: [Daria] Not me, silly! The football players!
> He then sent a crashing blow right into the abdomen of one of
>his tormentors.
Crow: Not in the crotch? I'm disappointed! Well, not much, anyway.
> He fell to the floor, screaming.
Tom: Who would have thought that a mere football player has
*real* abs of steel?
> He grabbed this
>abdomen, then saw blood beginning to soak his jersey.
>
Tom: So the cream of the defensive squad is getting its
collective hinder handed to it by one gawky kid?
Crow: This is more sci-fi than an entire season's worth of
"Farscape".
>"NO!," he said.
>
Crow: [flatly] Oh the carnage. Oh the humanity.
Mike: David or the player?
Tom: ...Yes.
>"David, stop!," Daria finally said one more time.
Mike: Yes, I would find it hard to form a sentence like that
myself.
> Suddenly, in blind
>rage, David punched her right in the face. Suddenly, Daria went down
>like lead.
Mike: Crisp and clean, without all that nickel-y aftertaste!
> David saw it happen and was horrified.
>
Crow: [David] Hmmm, Daria fell down after I punched her. I
wondered how that happened?
>"DARIA! NO!," David screamed. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT YOU!"
>
Tom: [David] I was just playing around, honest! You all
didn't see anything!
>He ran to her. A crowd had gathered.
>
Mike: Inappropriately, they began to sing "Ding dong, the Wicked
Witch is dead!"
Tom: There's that crowd again. Now if only their fire drill
response times were good.
>"Someone call 911!," screamed one of the players. "Someone's hurt very
>bad!"
>
Crow: [Player] And it ain't gonna be me! Waitaminit...
>Mr. O'Neill got up and saw that the player had recently had surgery in
>the area where David had hit him.
Mike: And he was pushing himself to play football? Not buying it!
> David's punch had apparently broken
>open some surgical stitches.
>
Crow: Either he's the most pumped-up special ed student in history,
or the doctors at Lawndale General have been using lace
stitchery.
>"Daria, Daria, speak to me!," David said. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm
>sorry!" He began to cry, embracing Daria.
>
Tom: I love mah dead gay son!
>"This young man needs to go to a hospital fast!," Mr. O'Neill said.
>"He's bleeding profusely!"
>
Tom: He was unsure at first, but after seeing the bleeding
close-up...
Crow: o/~ Great gory globs of greasy grimy athlete guts... o/~
Mike: Okay, that's enough.
>The school nurse arrived and administered emergency first aid on the
>player.
>
Mike: She tied a tourniquet around his torso.
Crow: Forget professional help from the Emergency Room, just
get the school nurse patch up those stitches!
>Daria, who was stunned, was slowly regaining consciousness.
>
Crow: [Daria] Oh, Trent, I dreamt I was in this crappy story
and there was this loser who had the hots for me... AGH!
>"David. . .David, is that you?," Daria finally said, groggy-headed.
>
>"Daria? Daria!," David said, "You're all right! Thank God you're all
>right! I didn't mean to hit you! I'm so sorry!"
Mike: [David] Cuz if I'd meant to, you'd be on the way to the ICU
now! Did you see how I took out Mr. Bigshot Jock back there?!?
> He began to cry again.
>
>"It's OK, David, it's OK," Daria said, giving David a hug.
>"Everything's going to be all right."
>
Tom: Someone's bleeding profusely and needs help? Bah, let's
just laugh it off and go get some snowcones!
>"I don't think you can really say that," Jane said. "That last blow
>David landed has apparently burst open surgical stitches one of the
>players has. He's bleeding pretty badly."
>
Crow: Again, as previously indicated.
Tom: C'mon, Pete, expository dialogue isn't just filler - it's
EXPOSI-FRIGGING-TORY!!! It tells the story! Let it do
its job!
>Suddenly, the Lawndale EMS arrived, as well as two police officers.
>
Crow: Oh, *now* the LPD is prompt.
Mike: Militias running amok? No biggie. A fight at the school?
Let's roll!
>"Officer," one of the players said, "that man over there hit him so
>hard, his surgical stitches burst open. Arrest him!"
>
Tom: [Player] Waah! The scrawny geek beat us up! Waah!
Crow: For crying out loud, guys, suck it up!
>The officers approached David.
>
Mike: A lot of approaching in this fanfic. You think they'd
be ready for a gun duel or something.
>"What's your name, son?," asked the first officer.
>
Crow: [David] You're not my father!
>"David MacAllister," he said.
>
>"David MacAllister," the second officer said, "you're under arrest for
>assault with intent to murder."
>
Tom: Battery? Hah! That's for wussies! We go straight for the
big stuff!
Mike: [cop] But since you're a juvenile, we'll let you off with
a stern warning and a call to your parents!
>"NO!," David said.
All: Yes?
> "I didn't know he had surgical stitches! I'm
>innocent!"
>
Mike: So, for all my troubles in school, I could've just
called the police to arrest the bully?
Tom: I think Lawndale passed some anti-bully legislation.
>"Come with us," said the first officer.
>
Tom: Whadaya know? Turns out somebody's goin' to emergency,
*and* somebody's goin' to jail!
Crow: Now if only this story would be over in a New York Minute.
>"NO!," David roared.
Mike: [cop] Uh, that wasn't an offer.
> He ran down the hall, with the officers in
>pursuit.
Mike: Nice of them to throw in a wacky chase now.
Tom: Yeah, it really cuts the tension.
Crow: Resisting arrest. Great move, David! This'll look great
for your defense!
> They caught up with him, and sprayed mace in his eyes.
Tom: Oh, they're New York cops!
Crow: And once again, the citizens of Lawndale resort to overreaction.
Mike: It's the community pastime.
> He was
>sent howling. They slapped the cuffs on him and read him his rights.
>
Tom: [cop] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can drive people nuts in this fanfic. You have the
right to an attorney, and if you can't find one, we'll
give you the worst we can find.
>"I'm innocent! They want to get rid of me because I've got a behavior
>problem!," David yelled in a savage voice.
>
Crow: And now waiving the right to remain silent. Yep, David sure
is keeping his cool here!
Mike: I tried that on a cop once and all I got was a finger
jabbed up my nose.
Crow: Mike, you do that all the time.
Mike: It was *his* finger.
Tom: Where did you go to school, Attica High?
>"David, no!," Daria said. Suddenly, she found herself crying. "This
>isn't fair!"
>
Tom: [Daria] If I were fully able, I'd kick their crotches and
we'd go on a high-speed chase in a Pinto!
Crow: Tell me about it! The innocent waste away in jail while
the real criminals are free to write!
>Jane went up to her and gave her a hug. "We'll find a way to get him
>out of this, Daria," she said; "even if it's the last thing we ever
>do."
Crow: Unfortunately, I have the feeling it won't even be the last
thing you do in this story.
Tom: Well, the next thing we have to do is get out of here.
[Mike picks Tom up and all three leave the theater.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]