MiSTed: Stolen Memories (20/29)
Rottweiler
the cover, which has the word "Tomcat" along the top and a picture of a
nude Felistian woman in a suggestive pose. MIKE enters.]
MIKE: Hey Tom, whatcha doin'?
TOM: Reading the first issue of "Tomcat". It's a magazine for the
sophisticated Felistian gentleman.
(MIKE looks at the cover of the magazine)
MIKE: The Felistian version of "Playboy"?
TOM: More or less.
(MIKE grabs the magazine out of TOM's hands. TOM looks annoyed.)
MIKE: I can't let you read this. What would your father think?
TOM: My father is never coming back. Besides, there's a lot more in
than
magazine than just pictures of naked Felistians. Pictures, I might
add, that corrupt my young mind no more than that "hang in there,
baby" poster in your room.
(MIKE looks at the magazine)
MIKE: Wow, you were actually reading one of the articles.
TOM: Of course I was. Frankly, Mike, I think you're the one with your
mind
in the gutter. You can't concieve of someone buying a "Playboy"
for
the whole magazine and not just the pictures.
MIKE: (reading) The Egyptians: Smartest Humans Ever?
(MIKE leafs through the magazine)
MIKE: (reading) The Man-Kzin Bores?
TOM: That's a satirical short story.
(MIKE continues leafing through the magazine)
MIKE: Say, is that Meowilyn Monroe?
TOM: Yeah. She posed nude before she was a celebrity and the publisher
of
"Tomcat" managed to obtain the rights to publish the picture.
(MIKE finishes leafing through the magazine)
MIKE: Well, I guess it can't hurt for you to read this. Just don't let
Gypsy see it. She'd have a fit.
TOM: Sure thing.
(MIKE lays the magazine on the counter. After a beat, CROW enters.)
CROW: (whiny) Mike, I can't take any more of that story!
MIKE: Come on, Crow, it's actually getting better. Part Six hasn't been
nearly as bad as the first five were.
CROW: It's not that, it's that I can't stand the story's blatant
humanism.
It's really getting to me.
TOM: He's right, Mike. It's getting really hard to ignore.
MIKE: Blatant humanism? What are you talking about?
CROW: Oh, you know. Humans are great!
TOM: They're the glue that holds the Federation together!
CROW: Human crossbreeds are the keenest thing!
TOM: It takes a human to convince a Felistian that her culture is
irredeemably evil!
MIKE: Okay, okay! I get it!
CROW: You know, it'd be nice to sometime read a story where everyone
wanted
to avoid humans like they were vermin.
TOM: Now, now, Crow. Most alien races haven't had the, ahem, pleasure
of
living with humans, like we have.
MIKE: Hey!
TOM: Those aliens think that humans are all sweetness and light. They
haven't seen the bad things.
CROW: Oh, like Mike's toenails?
MIKE: What's wrong with my toenails?
TOM: Yep. Or the little noises that Mike makes when he's reading.
CROW: That little "phree" noise?
MIKE: What?
TOM: Yeah, that one. Or how Mike licks his bowl of soup when it's
nearly
empty.
CROW: Or the way he puts the milk carton back in the fridge with only a
drop of milk in it?
TOM: Putting it back in the fridge? When does he do that?
MIKE: I do too put the milk back!
CROW: Good point, Tom. And don't even get me started on how he leaves
the
bathroom...
TOM: Whew! Don't remind me!
MIKE: Fellas, I'm standing right here!
CROW: Tom! I've had a brainstorm! Why don't we use Mike as a poster
boy
for an education campaign about the faults of humanity?
TOM: That's it! With Mike's example, we can keep the foolish aliens
from
worshipping at humanity's altar! We can tell them how humanity
preys
on others! We can tell them how humanity acts only in its own
interests! We can tell them...
MIKE: ...how humans use a screwdriver to disassemble robots when they're
getting on humans' nerves?
TOM: Yeah, that too. (pause) Come to think of it, Crow, humans are
pretty
keen.
CROW: (monotone) Yes. Yes they are.
MIKE: I'm glad you see it my way.
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
MIKE: Look, fanfic sign! Great, huh?
TOM: Great.
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
CROW: (quietly) Humans can be really vindictive, too.
(MIKE holds a screwdriver at head level and gently waves it)
CROW: My mistake.
> ************************************************
TOM: (singing) When I want movies, I want to see Starz!
> Julian fell to his knees
MIKE: (Julian) Now I lay me down to sleep...
> holding his breath even though
> his lungs were burning.
CROW: He's ON FIRE!
> When his ears told him the beast was
> no longer on his trail,
TOM: His nose strongly disagreed.
> he began sucking in ear
MIKE: He took a deep breath and an ear was sucked into his mouth.
CROW: (Mark Antony) Hey, give that back! I have to return it to the guy
who lent it to me!
> and dropped
> to the trail curling up, falling into an exhausted sleep
> within minutes.
TOM: (Julian) Duh, I wonder if another predator will come by and eat me.
> He didn't wake when the heavens opened and
MIKE: The Second Coming finally occured.
> drenched the
> area his sleep was so deep not even the torrential storm
> battering the wilderness could drag him from it.
CROW: He's doing a Rip Van Winkle.
>
> ********************************************
TOM: Y'know, at night the stars put on a show for free...but it got a
lukewarm review in the New Yorker.
> Alis lead the Wilderbeast a merry chase while she had
> the strength to,
MIKE: And ended up in Knothole Village.
> then as the storm struck, she clambered up
> a tree and took shelter among the wide branches to wait out
> the storm.
CROW: While she was up there, she wrote three novels and a memory play.
MIKE: Yep, up a tall tree is always the safest place to be during a
storm.
> Below the Wilderbeast roared and raged slashing
> at the tree with its claws
TOM: Pretending it was Wolverine.
> trying to bring it and it's prey
> down, but the tree had existed centuries before the
> creature's arrival and would more than likely be around long
> after.
MIKE: It had tenure.
> Finally the beast gave up and shuffled off
CROW: To Buffalo.
> back
> tracking seeking the other prey it knew to be wandering
> through its realm.
>
> **********************************************
TOM: Like these little bugs here.
>
> Rain, thunder and lightning battered the wilderness
MIKE: It appears that Mission Ops hired Zeus to do the special effects.
> and
> all creatures
CROW: Great and small.
> in it. Julian could hear the roar of the
> Wilderbeast once more on his trail and ran.
TOM: (singing) If you like pina coladas, and being chased in the rain...
MIKE: I get the feeling that Julian is from Iran.
(BOTS groan)
> The ground was
> slick under his feet.
CROW: (Julian) Who's been mopping the floor?
> He kept sliding and falling in the
> slush. Bruises, grazes, scrapes and mud covered him from
> head to toe.
TOM: But he refused to let the game be called on account of rain.
> He could hear swift running water, creating a thunder
> of its own.
MIKE: He was in a Brita water filter commercial.
> A roar of triumph and rustling of foliage that
> warned him of the hunt beast's approach spurred him onward
> and he burst through the forested area to find himself
> trapped.
CROW: With a wife, two kids, and a mortgage.
> He barely managed to stop himself at the edge of
> the ravine he suddenly found himself on.
TOM: Julian's found one of the plot holes.
> He looked down to
> see a flood swollen river far below. Debris and trees were
> being pushed along by the force of the current.
>
> ************************************************
MIKE: There they go.
> Alis ran along the arboreal pathways returning to the
> point where Julian had dived into the foliage, there to seek
> his path and to find the Wilderbeast had the same general
> idea.
CROW: (Alis) Copybeast!
> But the first mother had other plans, the trail
> disappeared before long,
ALL: SHAZAM!
> washed away by the torrential rains
> and the cacophony of the storm drowned out all other sounds.
TOM: Except for that damned car alarm.
> After three hours of fruitless searching, Alis returned
> to the tree's to eat cold slither meat, and rest.
MIKE: Julian's almost as elusive as Robert Denby.
> She sent a prayer up to the first mother, entreating
> her to watch over Julian,
CROW: (falsetto) Leave me alone!
> and then put him out of her mind.
> She could not save him,
TOM: She could not convince him to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior.
> if she could not find him, so she
> would continue her life test and strike for the temple.
MIKE: (Alis) Union! Union!
> Alis moved carefully, silently, among the branches,
> listening carefully,
CROW: And silently.
> trying to pick out the sound of the
> river above the storms deafening uproar, and then - she
> heard it, in the distance, to the East.
TOM: The soundtrack to _Mulan_.
> She sacrificed care
> for speed and raced along the branches.
MIKE: Being in a hurry is no excuse for shoddy workmanship.
> She heard the roar of the river, surrounding her,
CROW: Then realized that it was really the roar of a pack of
Wilderbeasts.
> and
> then stopped to crouch among the branches. Looking she saw
> the river below, swollen and a swirl with debris of every
> kind, flora and fauna both.
TOM: (Alis) Very interesting... but schtupid!
CROW: Hey, I think an object that fits both classifications cannot be
stupid.
TOM: Dr. Quackenbush.
CROW: That's not fair.
> Alis resumed her path through the tree's with more
> care, and only when the roar of the river was far behind
> her, did she slip down a vine to set foot on land again.
MIKE: (land) Ow! Get offa me!
> From there she returned to the river side, where she would
TOM: (singing) Lay down her sword and shield.
ALL: (singing) Down by the river side...
> wait for the sign that would tell her where to find the
> Goddesses temple.
CROW: Unfortunately, the only sign she got was "No Parking between 9 AM
and
6 PM", which wasn't much help.
> When her belly rumbled she searched the trees and
> hollows until she spotted a slither hiding in the branches,
> sheltering from the storm's fury. Alis unhitched her bow
> reloading and aiming, then the Goddess answered her earlier
> prayer.
MIKE: Alis finally got that pony she'd been asking for.
> She heard the roar of the Wilderbeast, loud enough to
> be in bow's reach,
TOM: Mike, the way Felistians name their towns is really wierd.
> behind her. She spun around,
CROW: You'd think all that spinning around would make her dizzy.
> then moved
> through the foliage to come to very edge of the bank and saw
> Julian, covered in mud, leaves and twigs.
MIKE: He'd just gotten back from Woodstock.
> Fur rising in horror,
TOM: (Alis) Damn static cling!
> Alis saw the bank under him
CROW: Was closed because today was a federal holiday.
> begin to crumble and fall away as a log carried by the
> rushing waters slammed into it.
TOM: So a log hits the edge of a canyon river, causing a shock wave to
head
UP the canyon wall and cause a mud slide right where Julian happens
to
be. Makes sense.
> She saw the Wilderbeast burst through the trees and
> raised her bow,
MIKE: (Alis) I know what you're thinking, Wilderbeast. Did she fire six
bolts or only five? Frankly, in all the confusion, I kinda
lost track myself. But you gotta ask yourself one
question.
Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, PUNK?
> crying out to Julian to head for the safety
> of the trees.
CROW: (Alis) No! Not the trees floating down the river!
> *********************************************
MIKE: This is what Hands Across America looked like to pigeons.
> Lightning lit up the area as Julian looked up and then
> he saw Her, The Huntress,
TOM: AKA Helena Wayne.
CROW: Nonono, Helena Bertinelli.
TOM: Since when?
CROW: Since DC retconned Earth-2 out of existence! Where have you
been?!?
TOM: So she's not the daughter of Bruce and Selina?
MIKE: Save it for the "Wizard" forum, okay guys?
> she was on the opposite bank, her
> bow loaded and ready to fire.
MIKE: She was willing to fire anyone who was doing substandard work.
> She took aim at him
CROW: (Julian) All right, what did I do this time?
TOM: (Alis) Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell
you.
> as the
> wilderbeast burst into view scattering branches and leaves
> in every direction.
MIKE: The Wilderbeast is such a slob.
> He spun to face it.
CROW: (singing) OW! So beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it...
> Its roar was drowned
> out by a deafening thunder clap as the Huntress shouted a
> command.
TOM: (singing) When the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes...
> He failed to hear the warning crack of the ravines'
> edges.
MIKE: Well, we always knew Julian was teetering on the edge.
> The first he knew of it was when it crumbled under
> him falling away under his feet.
CROW: Nature is so flimsy and cheap. God must've really cut corners.
> He was falling
TOM: (Bugs Bunny) Here we go again!
> toward the river.
MIKE: Fortunately, the Hindus broke his fall.
> **************************
TOM: Shadow fighters are approaching on an attack vector.
>
> END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART SIX
> ******************************************
MIKE: Hey! That was the first chapter not to mention sex in any way,
shape, or form!
CROW: Yeah!
> The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that
> runs concurrently with "The Hunted".
>
> ________________________________________
>
> Standard disclaimers apply. Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions.
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
> Reprinting this story in whole or in part is denied
> without the permission of Mission Ops Productions
> first - except in cases of review.
>
> Send your comments to: 'hen...@zip.com.au'
> ____________________________________________________
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are gathered behind the counter. They
pace
back and forth aimlessly, stare at the floor and mutter to themselves.
After a few seconds of this, TOM perks up.]
TOM: Hey, guys! I've got an idea! I know how we can get out reading
the
rest of _Stolen Memories_.
MIKE and CROW: (perfect unison) An idea, Tom?
TOM: Yeah! All we have to do is...
CROW: ...Is WHAT? WHAT?
MIKE: Tell us! Please tell us! For God's sake, why won't you tell us?
TOM: All we have to do is... No, wait that wouldn't work. We'd never
find
that much corn syrup. Plus it violates every known law of physics.
Damn those laws of physics!
(MIKE and CROW groan)
MIKE: Well, guess it's back to pacing and muttering.
(The purple light flashes and GYPSY enters)
GYPSY: We have a signal coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen.
CROW: Maybe THIS will be our ticket out of _Stolen Memories_.
TOM: Oh, if I could cross my fingers, I would!
(MIKE and the BOTS turn around to face the Hexfield Viewscreen. It
opens
to reveal a slightly anthropomorphized wilderbeast wearing a dress
shirt, a
necktie, and horn-rimmed glasses.)
ALL: Zoinks!
(They jump back in alarm. The wilderbeast addresses them in a calm,
businesslike manner.)
WILDERBEAST: Please, do not be alarmed. My name is Donald C. Swerdlow,
and
I represent the Wilderbeast Anti-Defamation League, or WADL
for short.
MIKE: (nervous) Uh... what do you want from us, Mr. Swerdlow?
WILDERBEAST: I merely want to combat what we at WADL feel is a
stereotyped
and unfair depiction of our species in the fanfic _Stolen
Memories_. The story portrays wilderbeasts as savage,
brutal,
violent creatures who spend their time striking fear into
the
hearts of anyone unfortunate enough to cross their paths.
In
fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Most
wilderbeasts are vegetarians who enjoy crossword puzzles,
long
walks on the beach, and listening to light jazz. Today,
most
of us have long since abandoned the wilderness and
currently
reside in the suburbs, working in the exciting field of
computer repair.
CROW: But what about the wilderbeast in the story, huh? He didn't act
like
that at all!
WILDERBEAST: I happen to know that wilderbeast. His name is Gary, and
he
has a drinking problem. We've tried to confront him about
his
problem, but he just won't listen to reason. No, he
prefers
to spend his time running around nude in the woods and
hunting
human prey. While we at WADL do not fully support Gary's
lifestyle, we must respect his freedom to choose. I hope
that
answers your question.
CROW: It does... I guess.
WILDERBEAST: Good. Well, I really must be going now. I'm addressing
the
UN in half an hour.
ALL: Goodbye, Mr. Swerdlow.
(The hexfield viewscreen closes. MIKE and the BOTS turn around to face
forward.)
TOM: He seemed nice, I suppose. I mean, for a wilderbeast.
MIKE: Still, it was kinda disappointing. I think wilderbeasts were more
interesting when they were savage and brutal.
CROW: Yeah, it's like finding out that the Hell's Angels are really into
decoupage and macrame. I've sorta lost all my respct for
wilderbeasts now that I know they're basically Alan Alda with fur
and
sharp teeth.
TOM: (philosophically) Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? A nation
turns
its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.
(The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it)
[Planet Bumper]
> Slithers - reptilian creatures which may or may not have
> possessed appendages for walking and crawling and mainly
> slithered along the ground, vines and branches found in the
> area, or in the water of the river - waiting for the unwary
> or foolish to come within striking distance to strike and
> bite bringing sickness then death.