MiSTing "The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch" (1/
Tjats
disclaimer:
MST3K and all related caracters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains,
Inc.
All other characters are trademarked by their respective companies.
------------------
episode 202 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(if you want to.)
In the not-too-distant future,
In a castle near Iran,
Pearl Forister and her two sidekicks
Were hatchin' up a nasty plan.
They bougt some pizza from a guy named Jim,
A guy who obeyed their every whim.
They figured that his soul was just too free,
So they stuffed him in a capsule and they launched him out to sea!
(Jim: When do I get paid!?!)
"We'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst we can find.(lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind!"(lalala)
Now keep in mind Jim can't controll
Which story she'll send him next.(lalala)
He'll try and think of a way out
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT("Hit it!")
GYPSY("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO("Buck up, newmeat!")
CROOOOOOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how they work and play,
And other science facts,(lalala)
Go get a degree in physics,
Or really just relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Crow and Servo are behind the counter.
SERVO: Hello, everyone. And welcome to the Submarine of Love. We're Tom Servo
and Crow T. Robot,
sending you greetings.
CROW: Huzah and hello, good morning to you all out there on the internet!
SERVO: Today we are celebrating a very special ocasion!
CROW: Yes! Today is my 520th birthday!
[Servo and Crow cheer. Gypsy rushes in with a cake with 520 lit candles,
leaves it, and rushes out.]
SERVO: Here's your cake, Crow!
CROW: Why thank you! [Blows out all 520 candles]
[They cheer again. Gypsy rushes in with a wraped present the size of a shoe
box, leaves it, then rushes back out]
SERVO: And here's your present from me and Gypsy!
CROW: Oh, wow! I hope it's something real special! [Tears away at the paper
franticaly] Oh, look!
It's a Johnny Longtorso action figure! Thanks, Servo!
[They cheer again.]
MAGIC VOICE: Happy birthday, Crow! 20 seconds to commercial sign.
[Gypsy rushes in with a board.]
GYPSY: Here's your board, Crow!
SERVO: It's time to break the pinata!
CROW: Oh, goody!
[The 'Bots look upward and see Jim, tangled in rope, being lowered into their
midst. Servo and Gypsy play noise makers and party horns.]
JIM[bound and gaged]: MMMMMMMPPPPHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Crow ducks under the counter and emerges blindfolded]
SERVO: Go at 'em Crow!
JIM: MMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Crow takes a swing and hits Jim. The 'Bots start cheering.]
JIM: RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
GYPSY: Ataboy, Crow!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
-commercial sign-
SERVO: We'll be right back.
[Crow takes more swings at Jim, who is screaming all the way]
GYPSY: Ooh! Right in the pouch!
[commercials]
[SOL int.] Jim is still gaged and he's duct taped to the right wall, facing
it. Crow is still blindfoled,
and he has a nail with a long piece of brown cloth atached to it. Gypsy and
Servo are still cheering.
SERVO: Okay, Crow! Pin the tail on the donkey!
JIM: MMMMMMMPPPHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Crow puts the tail square on Jim's butt.]
JIM: RRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Servo, Gypsy and Crow laugh gleefully.]
-mads sign-
GYPSY: Oh, Mrs. Lady is calling!
SERVO: What do you want, Madame Forrestier?[pronounced "Forestiay"]
[CASTLE FORRESER] Pearl and Bobo are gathered around the fireplace, wraped in
blankets. Observer
is behind them, sitting calmly.
PEARL: Hey, Nelson! What ar-
OBSERVER: Um, ma'am, it's not Mike anymore.
PEARL: Right. Hey, Whaley!
[Bobo snickers at the name]
PEARL: What the hell are you doing, letting those robots push you around? You
must be some sort of wuss!
OBSERVER: Well, he is, ma'am. We got him from a pizza parlor.
PEARL: When I want input from the peanut galery, I'll ask for it!
[SOL]
JIM: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[CF]
BOBO: Hee, hee! He's all tied up! He can't do anything! Ha, ha!
PEARL: Anyway, Jimmy boy, the castle had some sort of power outage, so all the
electricity went off.
That means no heat, and at these high altitudes, brrrrrr!
[SOL]
GYPSY: But can't you get Brain Guy to restore the power?
[CF]
PEARL: I tried. He misfired and accidentaly launched all the armed nuclear
warheads in Russia.
They all landed in Hollywood and took out the entire west coast.
BOBO: Well, that's *one* problem solved.
PEARL: So I don't want him to try again. Now, about your experiment this
week. It's a piece of internet crap called
"The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch". It's a crossover of unepic proportions.
Have a nice day. Brain Guy!
OBSERVER: Yes, madam. [that sound]
[SOL]
CROW: Gasp! I just realized! I'm old! Before I know it I'll be in the
Nursing Home of Love!
SERVO: Crow, you can't get old, you're a robot.
-movie sign-
'BOTS: Oh, no! CROSSOVER SIGN!!!!!!!!!
JIM: MMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[The 'Bots enter the theater]
SERVO: Hee, hee. We sure got him good.
CROW: Hey, Servo! Is that a grey hair on my head?
SERVO: Crow, you don't grow hair.
>Subject: Fanfic: Celebrity Deathmatch (I know it's a dead topic, but one last
one, pleeaassee...)
BOTH: No.
>From: Warp <MOND...@edmonds.ctc.edu>
CROW: I'd like to warp outta here.
>Date: Tue, Aug 4, 1998 10:42 EDT
>Message-id: <35C71D...@edmonds.ctc.edu>
>
CROW: And, look! A loose screw!
SERVO[mumbling]: Oh, you have one alright.
>I just wanted to make a quick little post on all this "Celebrity
>Deathmatch" stuff so that I can pitch in my two cents. Hope you read it
>and tell me what you think!
BOTH: And we're not afraid to, either!
>
>-+Warp+-
[Jim enters trying to get the string he's tied up in off.]
CROW: Jim, does this joint look rusty to you? [holds out his hand]
JIM: No, Crow, it doesn't. I just polished you yesterday, remember?
CROW: -gasp- No, I don't! I'm loosing my memory!
JIM: Crow, you've got a no-fail hard drive.
CROW: It could crash! A heart attack!
SERVO: Oh, please.
>
>
>
SERVO: Oh, I guess it's over.
> -=The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch!=-
>
SERVO: D'oh!
> By -+Warp+-
>
JIM: This isn't "Warped Factors" is it?
>Legal Disclaimer:
>
>"Sonic the Hedgehog," "Transformers," and "Mighty Morphin' Power
>Rangers," and all related elements are the registered trademarks of
>their respective owners. You can read this, print this, post it, blow
>your nose and/or use it for toilet paper if you run out of it in the
>bathroom (I hate when that happens). Praise, commments, flames, and
>voodoo curses can be directed to: mailto:charli...@hotmail.com.
>
CROW: Jim, record that e-mail
JIM[scribling on a notepad]: Already on it.
>Note: this is more of a comedy I typed in about 20 minutes, so I
>apologize for any "lack of continuity" that this FanFic may incur (this
>is a comedy/satire, do you think I honestly care? NO!).
SERVO: This guy must have some issues.
> Also, for
>characters you may not know, I put in quick descriptions of them.
>
CROW: Just what we need, yet *another* origin of Sonic the Hedgehog!
SERVO: He used to be a regular hedgehog until he broke the sound barrier and
turned blue,
his homeworld was enslaved by Robotnik, Earth was hit by a commet and became
Mobius...
>
>One day, Unicron (a big planet-eating Transformer)
SERVO: (exposition)
> was traveling
>through space, and got hungry. So he decided to float over to the planet
>Cybertron, the home of the Transformers. They are fighting (what else is
>new?)
JIM: Hi.
>, and they notice a big planet heading for them.
>
JIM and CROW: Horay! They're gonna get killed!
SERVO: But I wouldn't get my hopes up.
JIM and CROW: Aww...
>Ironhide
ALL: -snicker-
> (the red van): Leakin' lubricant! What's that?!
CROW: You are? Well, then, go to Carl's bus and truck stop! He'll cut your
break line for
free with every tuneup!
>
>Cliffjumper
SERVO: Who came up with this stuff?
> (red VW bug; Casey Kasem does his voice): It's headed right
CROW: A brief pause...
>
CROW: ...and now back to our program.
>for us!
>
>Bumblebee (yellow VW bug): What are we going to do?
>
JIM: Could you get killed for us, please?
>Megatron (needs no introduction): What else do we do? BLAST IT!
SERVO: What a wonderful idea, oh great and inteligent fearless leader!
>
>The Transformers fire all their guns at Unicron, but to no avail.
>Suddenly, a big light shines from Unicron's center, in what appears to
>be a tractor beam, sucking all of Cybertron towards him.
>
CROW: The Crap Files.
>Soundwave (blue tape recorder with the bird):
JIM: What the...?
SERVO: So he turns into a tape recorder? WHAT THE HECK KIND OF TRANSFORMER IS
THAT?!?!
> Our weapons are useless
>against him!
ALL: You think?
>
>Rumble (purple tape with piledrivers; you may remember him as the voice
>of Bigtime Beagle from "Duck Tales"):
CROW: And *why* do we need to know all this? They're going to die anyway.
> Wha...What do we do?
>
SERVO[as Megatron]: What else do we do? BLAST IT!
>Starscream (red, white, and blue jet plane, voice done by the guy who
>does the voice for G.I. Joe's "Cobra Commander"): I know!
>
CROW[as Starscream]: We can BLAST IT!
JIM: Okay, knock that off.
>Starscream shoots Megatron in the head, knocking Megatron down.
>
>Starscream: Now I am the new leader of the Decepticons!
JIM: I don't think this is the time for that.
>
>BLAM! Megatron shoots Starscream in the back.
>
>Starscream: This always happens to me...Damned bad timing...(dies again)
>
SERVO: Weren't they being attacked by Unicorn?
>All the Transformers: AHHHHH!!!!
>
CROW: They're at a relaxation camp?
>Ultra Magnus (big car carrier rig; Robert Stack [the "Unsolved
>Mysteries" guy] does his voice.): The Matrix will help us!
>
JIM: I'm having a tough time remembering the exact problem they're facing.
CROW: Just flow with it, Jim.
>Ultra Magnus tries to open the Matrix, but can't.
>
>Ultra Magnus: Open, dammit, OPEN!
>
SERVO[as U.M.]: Stupid Plot-Contrivance-In-A-Box! Open!
CROW: Damn you, Numbco!
>All the Transformers (again): AHHHHH!!!!
>
JIM: What great aroma therapy!
>gobble gobble gobble
>
SERVO: Huh?
JIM: Aparently the Matrix is a big turkey farm.
>Unicron ate Cybertron.
>
CROW: Oh, that's right! They were in a tractor beam!
SERVO: But how could they fight Starscream?
JIM: Allow me to construct a flow chart.
>Unicron: Yummy. Eh, just an appetizer. I'm still hungry.
>
>Unicron goes somewhere else.
>
>
CROW: GASP! Oh, no!
JIM: Crow, don't tell me you're feeling sympathy for them.
CROW[looking at chest]: I've got dust contamination!
JIM: Crow, that's rediculous! You can't get old!
SERVO: Let's beat it, Jim!
JIM: Good idea.
[They leave the theater]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Jim, Servo and Gypsy are behind the counter. We can hear Crow off
to the side, panicing.
CROW[off-screen]: Aaag! My eyes are baggy!
GYPSY: This is even worse than last year!
JIM: Doesn't he realize he can't get old?
SERVO: Anyway, fellas, I wrote a little skit that we could perform in addition
to today's fanfic.
JIM: Okay, where is it?
SERVO: It's under the counter there. Could you grab it for me?
JIM: Sure.
[Jim takes several papers from under the counter and places them in front of
him, Gypsy and Servo]
JIM: Oh, look. "The Untimely Celooserbrity Deathwish". This should be
interesting.
SERVO: Okay, I'll play Davey Crockett a.k.a. David Kintobor, you play Ken
Penders, and Gypsy will
play Marrissa.
JIM: Okay. Who's Marrissa?
SERVO: Just read you lines.
JIM: Alright.
SERVO: [clears throat] Marrissa, you've had it! *I'm* the best self-inserted
author
here, and nobody chalenges me and lives!
GYPSY[overly nice]: Umm... no, I am the best author-created character of all
time! You can't
stand up to my might!
SERVO[whispering]: Put more effort into your ferocity!
GYPSY: Oh, okay.
JIM: You two are no match for me, writer and god of all Sonic the Hedgehog
stories! I will
destroy you, and then go on to plague Sonic's world! Hahahaha!
SERVO: You can't! I'm going to do it first! [attacks Jim in a fever of
punches]
JIM: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! [puches Servo several times]
GYPSY: Let's see you two take command of the Kids' Crew! Or pilot the
Stargazer! [Joins the frenzy
by biting off Servo's head]
JIM: [punches Gypsy]
GYPSY: [flashlight falls off]
SERVO: [punches Gypsy]
JIM: This will teach you to mess with my way! [punches Servo]
GYPSY: You may have blinded me, but I will prevail! [bites off Servo's right
arm]
SERVO: Aaaaarrrggggghhhhh!!!! [falls down]
JIM: [pushes Gypsy down]
CROW: [rushes in from left and bites Jim's side]
JIM: Acckkkkk! [falls down]
-commercial sign-
CROW: Ha, ha! I am victorious! Say, what were you guys doing anyway? Aaaag!
A wrinkle! [falls down]
[planet logo underwater]
[commercials]
--------------
send comments to tj...@aol.com
Jim, that Mistie
"STAY!!!!!!!!!"
"She's made of iron, sir. I assure you she can. It is a mathematical
certainty." -Mr. Andrews concerning the sinking of Titanic
"There has to be a more substantial explanation than the whammy." -Agent Dana
Scully