MiSTing: Battle Arena Toshinden (2/4)

[Matthew R Blackwell]

<Commercial:
Two girls. One good. One evil. An experimental surgery. It's the
Olsen twins' Face/Off.
Olsen #1: Gosh, you look like me!
Olsen #2: Yeah, but I'm much more handsome.
Olsen #1: Well, we both have guns...
Olsen #2: Yeah, but guns are icky. Let's sing and dance!

The Olsen Twins' Face/Off. Coming straight to a bargain bin near you.>

1...2...3...4...5...6...

SoL:
[Mike, and Tom are playing with the space cat. Crow's still reading
his issue of Premiere and eating his sammich.]
Mike: Aww. Hello sweetums. You're a nice little kitty kat.
Cat: Meow!
Tom: Hey! Let's go get some cat toys for it!
Mike: Okay! Come on Crow.
Crow: Whatever.
[The trio leaves]

Camping World:
[The Observer stands alone.]
Observer: Surely, the Censormatic 5000 has broken down those feeble
bipeds by now. That...woman...warned me not to not to interfere with
the experiment, but my homeworld must be avenged! [He looks around
briefly , sees that no one is around, and then turns on the uplink to
the SoL. On the screen is the space cat.]

SoL:
Cat: Meow.

Camping World:
[The Observer stares at the screen for a moment, and then switches off
the SoL uplink.]
Observer: Oh dear. I seem to have transmogrified them. The biped with
the van keys will be most annoyed.

SoL:
[Mike and the bots reenter. The space cat is busily hitting the
counter with its paws.]
Tom: Hey, isn't that cute, he's swiping at invisible pests..
Tiny Voice: Hey!
Mike: He's attacking the nanites! [Mike grabs the cat and holds it in
midair.>
Crow! Take the cat! [Mike tosses the cat to Crow, who puts down his
magazine and sammich. Mike then rushes to the nanite-scope] Nanites!
Nanites! Speak to me!

[Back in the nanite-scope, destruction reigns. Fires are seen in the
distance. Jody stands alone in the shot.]
Jody: Oh-oh-the-nanitity! Death-despair-carnage! No-no-no-no!

Mike: Nanites! We're really sorry about this! Did the cat cause much
damage?

Jody: Of-course! Over-eighty-percent-of-our-society-is-gone!
Oh-woe-is-us!

Mike: Eighty precent! Is there anything that we can do?

[The view switches back to the nanites. All is now calm. Jody stands
alone.]
Jody: Do-about-what?

Mike: About your entire society being destroyed!

Jody: That? Oh. We-rebuilt-that-seconds-ago. Ancient-history. Say?
Want-to- see-the-mini-series-about-it?

Mike: Maybe later. [The lights begin to flash.] We've got movie sign.
[The bots and Mike run about. Crow drops the space cat. As the crew
moves away, we see the cat begin to nibble on the sammich. As the
doors open, we hear two "meows."]

6...5...4...3...2...1...

[Mike and the Bots enter and sit.]

>[The scene changes to a city . A golden tower looms in the background. Inside
>the tower, an eyelid pops open. Rungo sits up.]
>Rungo: Oh. What am I doing here? Where am I?

Mike: Hey! It's Admiral Pointdexter!

> What have you done with
>my wife and my son? [He turns to witness a door opening. Chaos steps out
>from behind the door. Rungo grabs his club. Chaos licks his sword. They
>fight. The camera focuses on a monitor as the fight moves offscreen. Dissolve
>to a scene of several men observing the fight on their monitors. A woman
>steps into view.]

>Uranus: So, how is our test subject? [The camera pans upwards from her legs.
>She's wearing white armor, a white hoop skirt, blue lipstick and little else.]

Tom: Ah, it must be laundry day for Uranus, and that’s all she had
left to wear.

>Uranus: Magnificent. That halfwit Chaos has been reconstructed to this level?
>Researcher: And this is just 30% of his ultimate potential.

[The Censormatic 5000 activates yet again]

>Uranus: Work hard and improve Chaos, and you will become my worthy
>servant. [Pause] And continue your work as well....Sho.
>[Back to the fight. ]
>Chaos: Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow.

Crow: Pow? Are they borrowing sound effects from the 1960s Batman?

>Rungo: [vo] This guy ain't human! [He kicks Chaos in the groin. Chaos looks
>pained. Rungo then shouts, and tosses a fireball at Chaos. Chaos grins
>slightly. Rungo goes flying back from the blast.]
>Rungo: [Gurgling through blood] But how could he beat me? I couldn't see
>him coming....

Mike: Well, I think that I've found your problem.

>Chaos: And now I can have my revenge. I'll never forgive you.......GAIA!!!!!

Crow: Acting lessons courtesy of The Bill Shatner School of.....
ACTING!!!

>[The scene shifts. Someone's riding a chopper. It's Eiji! A door flies open.
>Eiji and Kayin step through. A young kid with spikey hair looks scared as he
>clings to the bed where his injured father lies. We see a photo of the family in
>happier times. The wife nods. Eiji's hand clinch and he strikes the door
>frame.]

Tom: Must. Kill. The . Invisible. Spiders!

>Eiji: How could they do this to someone as tough as Rungo?

Mike: He must have gotten Sinatra mad.

>Kayin: Yeah, if the Organization's really on the move then....Sofia! They'll
>be moving against her too! Eiji, you look after Sofia. I'll use a few methods of
>my own to keep track of the Organization.
>Eiji: Gotcha.
>The Kid: Eiji! Please take me with you! Daddy got hurt trying to protect us.
>[The kid yells, showing us that he's missing his front teeth.] Now, I've got to
>get them back!

Mike: Home Alone 3: This time it's for vengeance!

>Eiji: You leave this to me. Whomever did this will pay dearly. Stay here and
>protect your mom. Okay?
>[The kid nods. Eiji and the kid then touch pinky fingers.

Crow: ET.

> The scene shifts back to the motorcycle.]
>Eiji: There it is.

Tom: Here it tis. o/~Are you looking for it? Do you know... o/~
Mike: Tom...

>[Eiji is walking his cycle along the road. A soccer ball lands at his feet.]
>Soccer kid #1: Hey mister! Over here!
>Eiji: [Grinning] Right!
>[The ball flies through the air. We see Eiji playing some soccer. He dribbles
>the ball a short ways then begins to bounce it off his knee.]
>Eiji: are you guys ready to give up?
>Soccer kid #2: What do you expect? We're only kids.
>Eiji: Sorry about that. Guess I got carried away.

Mike: Say, do you get the feeling that the 'top fighters in the world'
got their rankings the same way that Kramer became the top fighter in
his school?

>Sofia: [Off-screen] Hey you guys!
>Soccer kid #3: It's Sofia!
> [Sofia bows her head and clasps her hands in front of her.]

Tom: Oh, sorry. I thought you were Dale.

>[The camera pans up the hill. Sofia is standing atop the hill wearing a
>sweatsuit.]
>Eiji: So. There you are.
>Sofia: Oh, it's you! [She bows.]
>[Coffee is poured. Maybe it's tea. Who knows?]

Tom: o/~ Every breath you take.... o/~

>Eiji: You look well.
>Sofia: Thanks. So do you. I've been staying here, teaching the kids. It's nice.

Tom: o/~ Young teacher. The subject.. o/~
Mike: Tom. No more singing.

>Eiji: Anyone else here?
>Sofia: Nope, it's just me.
>Eiji: You sure look happy.
>Sofia: So why are you really here? [She sits down]
>Eiji: [shrugs] Guess I'm a lousy actor huh?

Mike: Nope, just drawn that way.

> Well, I'm sorry to have to say this but, The Organization is on the
>move.
>[Sofia goes pale. The sounds of dishes being dropped is heard]
>[Cut to footage of the attack on the carrier in a darkened room]
>Uranus: Equipped with a human mind and body, we have created a killing
>machine with regenerate powers beyond anything imaginable. Gentlemen, I
>give you THE MAN MACHINE PROJECT!
>Witness 1: Oh.
>Witness 2: Incredible!

[The Censormatic 5000 activates again.]

>Uranus: This model is just a prototype. The production model will be several
>times more powerful.
>Witness 3 Just the prototype? Miss Uranus, I must admit, your powers are
>remarkable.
>Uranus: Thank you very much.

Mike: I do so love empty compliments.

>Witness 3: We look forward to viewing the production model soon.
>Intercom Voice: Miss Uranus.
>Uranus: [Annoyed] What is it?

Crow: The copier repairman's here.

>Intercom Voice: Eiji Shinjo has contacted Sofia.
>Uranus: Goood. [Laughs.]
>[Cut to a darkened dojo. A younger Eiji is meditating. Suddenly, he looks up
>to see a person walking towards him in the fog. It's Sho.]

Mike: Who's the Shogun of Harlem?
Bots: Sho'nuff!

>Eiji: Big Brother! Sho, answer me! Why have you joined the Organization?
>What have they done to you? Sho!
>[Sho draws his blade and leaps into the air.]
>Eiji: It that your answer? Then so be it! [He draws his blade and blocks the
>attack. The blades meet, and Sho hangs in mid air, with an evil grin on his
>face. Eiji's blade is still for a moment, and then shatters. Eiji falls backwards,
>with blood streaming from his chest.

Mike: Good lord. Tyson will never fight again after this.

>Then he bolts upright. It was all a dream]

Tom: A dream? For a second it looked like John Woo was directing.
Crow: No. There wasn't a fight in a church.

>Eiji: Ah! [He gasps for air.]
>[Cut to outside of Sofia's house. It's still night, and Eiji is standing shirtless,
>practicing with his sword.]
>Sofia: As dedicated as ever, I see.
>[Eiji turns towards Sofia. Switch to a very blurry overhead view.]

Mike: FOCUS!

>Eiji: Couldn't sleep.
>Sofia: Can we talk for a bit?

[Yep, the Censormatic 5000 activates again.]

>Ejij: Sure.
>[Cut to a large emerald throne in the center of an empty room. Uranus sits
>atop the throne.]

Crow: Boy, those Japanese sure build elegant toi..
Mike: Crow, it's not that kind of throne...

>Uranus: [Laughs.] Now you'll do as I command. Sofia...
>[Back to the house. Eiji is lying on the ground, and Sofia sits next to him.]
>Sofia: So that's what happened.

Crow: Hey, could let us in on the plot?

>Eiji: And I've been dreaming about the chance to cross swords with my
>brother again. And now my dream is coming true. If only it wasn't. But it is.

Mike: But it isn't.
Tom: But it is.
Crow: Isn't.
Tom: Is too!
Mike: Knock it off.

>Sofia: Still, I envy you.
>Eiji: But why?

Tom: Your keen fashion sense, of course.

>Sofia: The Organization used me in their experiments. They destroyed all of
>my memories. I have no clue about my past. No matter how bitter they may
>be, at least your memories are real ones.

Crow: Blade Runner.
Tom: So, Eiji's dreaming about Unicorns too?

>Eiji: [Sitting up] Sofia...
>Sofia: I'm sorry. Maybe I should have my mother and little sister come out
>here for a while. Maybe then I could make some memories for myself.
>Eiji: Good idea. Nothing's better than spending time with your family.
>[Sofia's eye suddenly flashes green.]

Mike: Please, no flash photography in the theater.

>Eiji: what's wrong?
>Sofia:[Monotone] Huh? Nothing. I'm just a little tired. I guess that I'm not
>used to having visitors. Good night, Eiji.
>Eiji: Good night.
>[Cut to a shower head, spraying water. Sofia's nude and taking a shower.

[The Censormatic 5000 begins to whoop and red lights flash near the
top of the theater. The Bots gesture wildly.]

> She reaches down and turns off the water. Then she flips her hair, making a
>'swick' sound, and revealing her eyes, which are now pupil-less.]
>[Back in Eiji's bedroom, he stares out the window. He hears something and
>turns towards the sound. It's Sofia, walking into the room. She's still sans
>clothing and she's keeping her arms behind her. She crouches on the bed,
>staring predatorily towards Eiji.

[The Censormatic 5000 is whooping louder than ever.]

>She then pulls a knife from behind her back, and shouts "Eyaah!"

Tom: That's spelled Hi-Keeba.

>Eiji dodges out of the way as the knife hits his pillow. He leaps through the
>closed window, and lands outside fully clothed.]

Crow: Huh? He can change clothes while flying through the air, in 1.2
seconds?
Mike: Apparently he's done some community theater .

>[Sonja also leaps through the air and lands outside, although she's now in her
>fighting uniform.

Crow: But, but...?
Tom: I guess that Sofia got her window from the same place that Bruce
Wayne got the batpoles.

>They stare at each other warily across the field.]
>Eiji: Sofia! What the...????
>[She draws a whip and cracks it, sending a stream of white haloish projectiles
>against Eiji.]
>Sofia: THUNDER RING!!
>[He easily deflects them.]
>Eiji: Cut it OUT!!! Sofia!

Crow: Mom! Sofia's bugging me!
Mike: [Falsetto] Stop it you two, or I'll turn this car right around!

>Sofia: HURRICANE!!!
>[Sofia begins to spin at a very high rate, turning into a tornado]

Crow: Boy, it's so nice that they announce what they're going to do.
Really polite of them.

>[She then slams into Eiji, who goes flying away from her. As he is knocked
>backwards, Sofia fires another ring into Eiji's back. Eiji crashes to the ground,
>then tries to regain his balance, then topples over again. Sofia walks towards
>him, stares at him for a moment, then she raises her whip as if to strike...]

Crow: Strike! UNION NOW!

>[A tear runs down her face.]

Crow: Ah, the tears of a ninja when there's no one around.
Mike: Pagliotti?

>Eiji: [vo] A tear. Who's controlling her?
>Sofia: DIE!!!!! [She swings the whip towards Eiji, who stands placidly.]
>EIJI!!!
>[As we dissolve into Eiji's face, lights appears all around. The lights then
>disappear, and a single fleck of blood appears on Sofia's face. Her eyes return
>to normal. Eiji then hugs her.]
>Eiji: Sofia. It's all right now.

Mike: In fact, it's a blast.

> It's all right.
>Sofia: I know. [She then collapses.]
>[Switch to Uranus' throne room.]
>Uranus: Fascinating. Well done Eiji Shinjo. It's all up to you now. My Sho.
>[Back to the meadow]
>Sofia:[On the ground, crying] Forgive me. I was a fool to think that I could
>ever escape their control. Please forgive me.

Tom: These tears I cry aren't tears of pain....
Mike: Tom...

>Eiji: It's all right.

Mike: Come on. It's just Beaches!!

>Voice: [from behind, of screen] Eiji.
>[Eiji turns. "Look. It's something important" music plays. Sho stands on the
>hill behind Eiji.]
>Eiji: Big brother! Did you do this to her?
>Sho: And what if I did?

Crow: Huh. Huh. And I threw away all of your Star Wars figures too.

>Eiji: Then you owe me.[slight pause] An explanation.
>Sho: I owe you nothing.
>[Eiji's eyes harden.]
>Eiji: Is that your answer? IS IT?

Mike: Yeah? You want some of me?!

>Sho: Today you realize your dream, Eiji.

Crow: The dream is always the same...
[The Censormatic 5000 activates again. Crow looks annoyed.]

> [He fires an attack against Eiji.]
>Eiji: Sofia, get away! [He pushes her aside and tries to block the attack. He
>screams for a second, and is then knocked to the ground. He gets up as Sho
>leaps into the air, and launches a kick, with his foot glowing red.]

Crow: Some anti-fungrial pads will take care of that.

>[Eiji also leaps up, his foot also glowing, and the two fighter's feet meet in
>midair. They then draw swords and begin to clash.]

>[ A globe of light envelops both of them.]

Tom: The Ship of Lights!

>Sofia: Eiji, NO!!!
>[The sphere dissipates, and Eiji falls to the ground screaming.] [He then tries
>to reach for his sword, but a boot steps on his hand.] [It's Sho.]
>Sho: It's all over, Eiji. You'll die by my hand, as you dreamed.
>Eiji: Now I understand. They've taken your soul away from you. You aren't
>my brother. You aren't Sho!

Crow: THAT'S NOT MY MOTHER! [looks around] Oh. Sorry. Flashback.

>Sho: Hmm. And how is knowing that going to help ? It still won't change the
>reality that you can't beat me. Fare thee well, Eiji Shinjo.
>[Suddenly, bolts begin to his Sho's torso. He turns to see Sofia.]
>Sofia: No, Eiji!
>Sho: Prototype.

Bots: HEY!!!
Tom: That's upgradism, pallie.
Crow: We'll see you in court.

> Don't interfere. [He draws his blade]
>Eiji: NO! Sofia! Look out!
>[A nimbus of red energy flashes out from Sho, knocking Sofia backwards.
>Switch to Eiji's eyes, as he stares while Sofia crashes to the ground.]
>Sho: Your primitive program. It's no match for my cyber-brain! One more
>shot and I'll finish you off, once and for all.
>Eiji: Wait! [He staggers up from the ground] You've dishonored our name.

Mike: Well, just send Toku to lobby for the imperial favor, and then
burn the favor to nullify the dishonor.

> You've threatened. My friends. That's enough. YOU'RE GOING
>DOWN!
>Sho: Hah. Useless. What can a simple human do against a super being?

Crow: Do you get the feeling that Batman would have this guy
surrounded by burning oil and unconscious before Sho could finish
that speech?
Tom: Um-hmm.

>[Sho draws his sword and fires an energy blast from it. Eiji holds his ground.
>Sho seems surprised.]
>Sho: Die! This is the end. Huh?
>[The attack passes around Eiji like a stream around a boulder. Eiji looks up,
>then leaps to the attack, shouting, and slashing into Sho.]

Tom: Whoops, that's a two minute penalty. The Flyers get the power
play.

>[Sho reels from the attack, then he falls to the ground as Eiji leaps into the air,
>spinning like a top.]
>Eiji: Check and Mate! It's over! Now, you're going to tell me everything you
>know.

Mike: Well, that won't take long.
Crow: Well, first came the dinosaurs. But they got big and fat..

>Sho: Impossible. How could I have lost? I am the perfect being and you are
>not. Oh, LADY URANUS!!

Tom: [Lewisian voice] NICE LADY URANUS! HOYLE!

>Eiji: Uranus? Now who's that?

Mike: He was the Greek ruler of the titans , but that's not important
right now.

>[An arrow of light falls from the sky and impales Sho.] [He then explodes.]
>Eiji: [Looking up] Huh?
>[Lady Uranus hovers in front of the moon. She carries a bow, and her wings
>are outstretched. Angelic-like music plays softly.]
>Eiji: Who are you!!!!
>Uranus: This has given me excellent data. Now I can complete my work.
>Eiji: Data? What do you mean?

Data: Captain, I do not understand this concept of humor...
Mike: Get him out of here before the lawyers see him.

>Uranus: [Laughing] A pleasure indeed, Eiji Shinjo. My name is Uranus.
>Eiji: Uranus?

Mike: Don't even consider it guys.

>Uranus: Everything is gone just as I have planned. Constructing a man-
>machine android in the form of your brother resulted in heightening your
>emotions to levels I have never seen before. I used Sofia for the same reason.
>It's so easy to manipulate you through your emotions. You're just an amateur.

Mike: So they have a professional manipulator league?
Tom: That'd be Congress. But they're semi-pro.

>Eiji: Why you... What do you want from me?!?!?!
>Uranus: That's for me to know.

Mike: I like you Dottie. LIKE!

>[She laughs , flies away, and fades quickly from sight.]
>Eiji: Wait! Come back!! Sofia! Sofia!
>Sofia: Eiji? Eiji?
>Eiji: Easy does it. Don't talk. Sofia. Uranus. The Organization. Man
>Machines. What is going on here?
>[Fade out to blackness. In the bottom right hand corner, a light comes through
>a door that is opening. The scene then shifts to a nameplate on a tank. Chaos.]
>Uranus: Chaos. Now you are invincible and the test to prove your perfection
>shall be the enjoyable task of taking care of that traitor. Whoever

Tom: Whomever.

> betrays the Organization must die. Gaia.
>[Chaos raise his head, and his eyes are now in android form.]
>Chaos: [gurgling] Gaia.
>[Flash to a blue sky. We see a sign advertising a knife thrower, which features
>Ellis sticking her tongue out and holding up the peace sign.

Tom: Yes, knives and peace naturally go together.

>Kayin looks at the sign, then walks towards the circus tent.]
>Kayin: Here we are. Please be all right.
>[A knife heads towards the camera. Then four knives land around an outline
>of a figure on a board.]
>Ellis: All right! [giggles.] Okay! Now I'm ready to try it with eight knives.

Mike: Hey! It's the comic relief!
Bots: [Emotionlessly] Yay.

>Trainer: Ellis! [She whips around to his direction, startled to see him.] Now
>let's try it with me on the board. Shall we?
>Ellis: But sir? What's going to happen if I mess up?
>Trainer: Ellis. I believe in your talent. You should begin to believe in yourself
>too.
>Ellis: Yes. [She bows] Yes. You're right. I'll do my best. [She salutes]
>Trainer: Just don't stick me.
>Eliis: Here we go. [She draws out a bunch of knives from behind her. She
>gives a determined stares then...]
>Kayin: Ellis?
>Ellis:[Turning towards Kayin] Huh? [The sounds of knives whipping through
>the air can be heard. The trainer screams.]
>[Kayin stands in the tent's opening.]
>Kayin: Hello.
>Ellis: Huh?? Kay's back!

Tom: It's Decipher's Battle Arena Toshinden CCG!
Crow: Or they're borrowing characters from Men in Black.

> Welcome! Welcome back!

Mike: Were your dreams your ticket out?

>[Kayin smiles for a moment, then turns his attention to the right, as does
>Ellis. The trainer stands against the throwing boards, knives extending from
>behind him where he presumably was going to stand.]
>Trainer: Ellis.
>[She grins a wide grin]
>Ellis: Oh well! But I'll never give up. [She salutes again.]

Tom: What is it with the salutes?

>[The scene changes to a cliff, atop of which a figure stands. It's Eiji. He grabs
>his katana, draws it and leaps high into the air. As he passes in front of the
>sun, the screen becomes white, and it's credit time. Japanese Bubble gum
>music begins to play....]

Mike: Halftime. Let's get out of here..
Crow: Ah, but I wanted to see who played Ellis. And figure out the
meaning of that last scene...
Tom: It twas the Amazing RANDO...
Mike: You're running that joke into the ground, Servo.
[Mike and the Bots leave the theater.]