Misting- "PokeQuon!" [Rant, Feudalist] [1/1]
Matt Blackwell
By The Feudalist
Misted by Matt Blackwell
[Season 10 Opening]
[The bridge of the Satellite of Love. Crow and Tom, both dressed
in hooded sweat jackets, seem to be in the midst of something.]
Tom: There's just one thing I think I should do before we
leave - something that'll get us back on His good side.
Crow: What's that?
[Tom holds up (somehow) a piece of paper.]
Tom: This is something I've been dreaming about for five years
now. Read.
Crow: [reading] "Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of
Simplicity."
Tom: I want to hit them.
Crow: Are you nuts?!
[Crow attempts to crumple up the article, with no success. After
a few futile tries, he simply eats it.]
Crow: We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to
jeopardize it because you have a soft spot for the good
ol' days?!
[Mike enters, in the background. He stares curiously at the bots.]
Tom: What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the
position I denied... thanks to you.
[Mike walks over to the bots, who attempt to ignore him.]
Crow: A killing spree is not going to make things better for us.
[Mike sighs and shakes his head.]
Tom: [a bit flustered] We're not talking about killing here.
We're talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about
punishing the, um... wicked, raining down fire and, er,
brimstone and stuff... He's all about that. I just know
he'd want... Mike! Would you go please go away?!
Mike: Guys? Give it up. The film's in the dollar theaters now.
Crow: Special Edition, Mike!
Tom: Yeah, what have those "Good Will" guys got on us?
Mike: Popularity? Good looks? Talent? Besides, Smith still has
that restraining order against you.
Crow: Oh. Good point.
Tom: Say, Tarantino should have something in the works...
[The mads' light begins to flash.]
Mike: Hold onto that thought. Holden, Alyssa and Banky are
calling.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl sits at a table, flanked by Bobo and Observer.]
Pearl: Good morning Loki. Bartleby. Er, Mike. We've got a jim-
dandy of a rant here for you today, based on that
international juggernaught of marketing, Pokemon.
Bobo: Lawgiver, I really question if we should be sending this to
Mike...
Pearl: Look, Bobo. I keep telling you it's based on a children's
video game.
Bobo: You mean it isn't some sort of web site with naughty
pictures?
[SoL]
Crow: No, you're thinking of Pokeman... [Tom and Mike turn to
stare at Crow, jaws agape.] I should just shut up and not
go down that path, right?
Mike + Tom: Right.
[Castle Forrester]
[All three are stare at the screen for a moment. Then Pearl blinks
and says...]
Pearl: Uh, yes. Poke*mon*. It's a video game. It's a movie. It's
a comic book, a TV series, a card game, a fashion
statement, and, according to our little ranter, it's now a
political movement. We'll be sending you a series of
Treatises on Pokemon, written by the Feudalist. I'm sure
that future generations will place these in the same awe
that we hold the works of Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Or the
poems of Jewel. One of the two, I'm sure. Catch 'em all,
Ani-morons!
[SoL]
[Lights are flashing throughout the bridge.]
All: Ah! We've got ranting sign!!!
[Mike hits a button, and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters the theater and take their places.]
Mike: When this is over, remind me to put a block
on the Independent Film Channel.
Crow: But Mike, we were going to re-enact "Brassed Off!"
later tonight!
Tom: And after that, we're doing "Closetland"!
[Mike stands up.]
Mike: I hope Pearl remembered to turn off the oxygen on
the Bridge...
Crow: Oh, sit down.
>From feud...@my-deja.com Fri Nov 12 22:22:59 1999
Crow: Keeping the Hatfields and the McCoys at each others'
throats for purt near a century!
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
>Subject: Treatise about Pokemon (1)
Mike: That would be the Webster-Ashburton-Charmander treaty of
1847.
>From: Feudalist <feud...@my-deja.com>
>Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 04:22:59 GMT
>
> Pokemon is a Japanese video game turned TV cartoon turned a movie and
>hundreds of cards and products.
Mike: Like the Pikachu disposable razor!
Crow: Rapidash brand faux beef!
Tom: Or Oddish Beer! So good, it'll leave you a vegetable!
> Incidentally, "Pikachu" is derived
>from "Pika! Pika", which means "Twinkle! Twinkle!".
>
Mike: Well, that explains Pikachu's creamy filling.
>Anyways, the Pocket Monsters are completely dependent upon their human
>masters.
>
Crow: For they are merely leeches on society. And I personally have
had enough of those Cadillac Clefairies! We need Pokemon welfare
reform now!
>In the recent movie, one of them, a catlike thing called MewTwo,
>escapes and tries to liberate the Pokemon race from human domination.
>
Mike: But the rebellion was derailed when when Ash scratched Mewtwo
behind the ears and gave him a Kitty Treat.
>MewTwo's efforts are of course doomed, since the loyal Pikachu and its
>pals are going to defeat it.
Tom: After all, they're the heroes of the series.
> Like all slave rebellions.
>
Crow: Except the 1991 NFL Player's Strike...
>MewTwo is not entirely fictional character;
Mike: It's actually based on Sparky, a superpowered talking cat from
Irvine, California.
> it had a human spritual
>ancestor. His name was numerous; Touissant d'Overture, Nat Turner,
>Samson and many others.
Crow: The ancient Hungarians knew him as "The Deliverer."
Mike: People in Patterson, New Jersey knew him as "Bob".
Tom: And the waitresses at Village Inn knew him as "That guy who
always orders the Strawberry pancakes and sausage."
> But the best known of MewTwo's spiritual
>ancestor was Spartacus.
>
Crow: Wow! So Mewtwo is a Douglas then?
Tom: I *am* Spartacat!
>A Thracian (Thrace is a region in central Greece, also home to
>Hercules),
Mike: A little known fact - Kirk Douglas and Kevin Sorbo were college
roommates at Thrace Tech.
> Spartacus was a gladiator.
Tom: He was trained to fight with giant Q-tips, fire tennis balls
from big giant guns, and growl menacingly at contestants.
> (Equivalent to today's pro-
>wrestlers, but with real swords and real blood.)
>
Crow: Feudalist must not be watching ECW.
Tom: They've been using swords there for years now.
>At that time, gladiators were considered as slaves.
>
Mike: At least until Kirk liberated them from the Gamemasters
by teaching them to kiss.
>One day, Spartacus rebelled against his trainers (the spiritual
>ancestors of Ash and Misty), and soon other gladiators joined him.
Tom: Because of the benefits. Spartacus offered a really kicking
dental plan.
>There were more than 20,000 of them, all who had played with
>swords for all their life.
Crow: And all, coincidentally, with nicknames like "Stumpy" or "No-
Nose".
> (And, all of them were good; otherwise,
>they would have been dead.)
>
Crow: Actually, all of them *are* dead now.
>Anybody who has read the short Biblical book of Philemon knows slaves
>are supposed to be docile to their master, since it was how God
>intended things to be.
>
Tom: I guess those abolitionist preachers must not have read
that section.
> (Philemon was a Roman nobleman living in Corinth, Greece whose slave
>Onesimus had ran to Rome.
Crow: Yeah, that's why he was sending the guy back "not as a servant,
but above a servant, a brother beloved".
Mike: How'd *you* know that?
Crow: I'm online at "http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible?".
> The author of Philemon, Paul, real name
>Shaul,
Tom: Better known as Sol Weisenstein...
> was a lineal descendant of King Saul of Israel and also the
>pupil of Gamaliel II,
Crow: Something is wrong on Gamaliel II!
> the wisest Jewish scholar at that time. He
>lived a life of rank and privilige and never lost his origins.)
>
Mike: At least until they retconned him in "2 Peter."
>Spartacus went against the grain and the fate God intended to him, and
>bit the hands which fed him.
Mike: He bet it all and shot the wad.
Crow: He tripped the light fantastic and painted the town red.
Tom: Then he bought the farm and pushed up those daisies.
> He defeated legions after legions,
Crow: He roughed up Brainiac Five, took down Saturn Girl and Wildfire,
and made Matter-Eater Lad cry like a little girl.
> and
>ravaged Italy.
>
>Originally, he intended to found a city-state of gladiators,
Tom: Ironically, their national symbol would have been a lion.
> but
>because most of them lacked education finding a new state was
>impossible.
Mike: Apparently, the Romans weren't big on teaching geography.
> Many of them wanted to go back to their homes all over the
>Empire.
>
All: [various, whiny] We're cold! We're tired! We wanna go home!
Our feet hurt! We want cookies and Kool-Aid! Mommy!
>Knowing that waiting too long would doom their cause, Spartacus headed
>to Rome, hoping to overthrow the Roman Republic.
>
Tom: Eventually, though, he sold out and became a lobbyist for
Colloseum Games, Inc.
>Roman Senate didn't know what to do against them.
Crow: Hey! Sanctions would have worked, if the Romans had just
given them more time!
> Finally, in
>deseparation,
Mike: Deseperation? That would be "joined", right?
> the Senate gave absolute power to Pompeius.
>
Tom: He took it back to Best Buy and exchanged it for Forces
of Nature.
>Pompeius, in his name, raised a number of legions and fought against
>Spartacus. Pompeius's troops had been trained in harsh places like
>Parthia, Spain or Gaul.
Mike: But, since the gladiators had fought in Detroit and Hoboken,
they easily defeated the Romans.
> Spartacus's generalship was great, but it was
>no match against the pedigree and the experience of Pompeius.
>
Crow: Armies are awed by the fearsome power of *good breeding*!
>Spartacus was killed in the battle, and all of his comrades were
>crucified.
Tom: Thanks to Jamius Carvillius.
> The Senate gave Pompeius two million sesterces (about $2
>billion in today's money),
Mike: Or, for our Russian readers, about 600 quadrillion rubles.
> which he spent building Pompeii (of
>volcanic fame). Ironically, its sister city was named Heracleanum
>in honor of Hercules.
>
Tom: If it was a sister city, shouldn't they have named it Xenatown?
>Moral:
Crow: Oh! I know this one! "Never get the Romans angry?"
> The ruling class would kiss the ass of Pompeius, or the
>Tartars, Hitler,
Tom: Cool! According to Godwin, this is over now!
Mike: Good. Now get Pearlius to believe it.
> or even space aliens, if that strongman/alien can
>keep order and protect their properties.
Crow: Blast! I was close though!
Tom: His Royal Majesty, Zontar I, King of the Britons!
> In other words, the
>Establishment is going to do anything and will kiss anybody's ass to
>keep their wealth of power.
>
Crow: As evidenced by all the absolute monarchies in Europe today.
>It was how the world was kept more or less stable for the last 300
>years.
>
Mike: Well, if you discount the near-constant state of warfare, sure.
Crow: Hey, it may have been war, but at least it was something you
could count on.
>MewTwo apparently was not acquainted to the story of Spartacus,
Tom: It was already out at Blockbuster, so Mewtwo just rented "Big
Daddy" and "The Matrix" instead.
> so it
>revolted. And its fate was not much less harsh than that gladiator
>(although all Pokemons are by their nature immortal).
>
Tom: Highlander 4: The Pokening!
>Perhaps, MewThree would take a lesson in Latin.
Crow: That way, it can understand what's going on during High Mass.
> Of course, Ash and his
>gladiator-Pokemons would find plenty of new villainous Pokemons to
>fight.
>
Mike: Or they could just forget about the fighting evil thing and
start a cooking show instead.
Tom: "Pokemons?" Isn't the plural of Pokemon just "Pokemon?"
Mike: Pokemi?
Crow: Pokemen?
Mike: I though we agreed not to go there, Crow...}
>--
>A resource isn't a resource unless it is available
>and only a sytem makes it available. The system is
>more valuable to human happiness than all else cuz
>it makes all others available. - John W. Campbell
>
Crow: Maybe it's just me, but I think the majesty and grandeur of a
sig quote isn't adequately represented by the word "cuz".
>
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Before you buy.
>
>
Tom: That's it?
Mike: Well, it was tedious, but at least it was sho-
>From: Feudalist <feud...@my-deja.com>
All: D'OH!!!!!!
Crow: Ya jinxed us, Nelson!
>Subject: Pokemon and Ubermenschen (2)
>Date: Thursday, November 18, 1999 8:15 AM
>
> Pokemon and Ubermenschen in the future have a lot in common.
>
Crow: They both live inside of brightly colored balls and they
speak only variations of their name.
>Pokemon are manufactured artificially
Tom: Actually, doesn't "Manufactured" rather imply artifical?
Mike: Yes, but Feudy's on a roll, so never mind that now.
> ( actually by Satoshi Nijima; in
>Japanese versions, the character Ash is named "Satoshi", after its
>creator) as they are needed. Also, they have super-normal powers not
>normally seen in normal world.
>
Tom: They can diagram sentences *and* conjugate verbs!
>Ubermenschen are similar;
Mike: Kids come to Burger King every Tuesday to trade all their
Ubermenschen cards.
Crow: Hey do you want a Goering for my Gobbels?
Tom: Heck no! I'm holding out for a Pol Pot!
> they would be manufactured, in genetic
>factories, without genetic defects and with needful characteristic
>enhanced.
>
Crow: After all, everything produced in a factory is completely
fault-free.
Mike: Just like a Chevy Nova.
>Right now, a small company has submitted a patent for the blueprint
>of human genome system. If it's granted, every company in the world
>has to pay a (hefty) royalty to that firm whenever human genes are
>tampered.
>
Mike: And *I've* submitted a patent for the process by which humans
digest sugar. Come next Halloween, the entire world will be
mine! BWAH-HA-HA!!!!
>There are many advances which will make the coming of the age of
>Ubermenschen inevitable.
>
Tom: Years from now, historians will look back and realize that
the electric toothbrush, the automatic shoe buffer, and
RC cars all lead to the Ubermenschen's rise.
>A company, I think Eli Lilly,
Crow: Odd. I think binary.
Tom: Hexadecimal for me.
> is experiementing a drug which would
>greatly enhance memory.
Tom: Ginko Biloba? The ancient Chinese came up with that.
> Like Viagra of Pfizer, but much more useful.
>
Crow: It enhances sexual memory?
Mike: Say! That *would* be useful!
>In almost all tests, rote memorization is everything. Especially for
>the tests which do matter (like the Bar Exam, CFA exam, Medical
>Credential exams, etc.)
>
Mike: Why, these new Ubermenschen will absolutely dominate "Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire!"
>In the past, especially in Asia, a poor student without pedigree
Crow: ...had to settle for feeding the family dog Alpo, or even worse,
Sam's Choice.
> could
>raise a family's status greatly when he scored well in the tests and
>was able to get a good job. That won't happen anymore, since he won't
>be able to afford the new memory-enhancing drug.
>
Mike: Kids, be sure to talk to your parents about drugs - ask them
which dealers have the best prices, where to hide your stash
when the cops come and what'll give you the best high!
Tom: Just say YES!
>This new memory-enhancing drug would guarrantee the wealthier class
>cushy jobs for ever;
Tom: Gone will be the days of burger flipping millionaires.
> whenever they get sick, those who can afford it
>can install artificial organs
Crow: [Rich Twit] Yas, I had my heart replaced with a Rolls-Royce
designer engine, uh-heh-heh.
> or buy one from auction web sites based
>upon the Caribbean.
>
Mike: Our website? It'll be big! And blue! And wet! Really wet!
>It would be a very brave new world for those who can afford it, and
>very cold world for the rest of the world (About 5.9 billion people).
>
Tom: Of course, they could gang up, overpower the Ubermenschen
through sheer numbers and set them on fire. That'd keep them
warm for a little while.
>Eventually, new drugs would be manufactured, and those who can afford
>it will completely dominate athletics, academics, and everything.
Crow: Won't the drug-pushers be running everything?
Mike: Stop trying to insert logic into this.
> The
>doping test in Olympics is going to be dropped, and eventually it
>would be transformed as a competition of the strongest drug in the
>world.
>
Crow: Which means a sure victory in each Olympics for booze!
Mike: Yes, athletics go better with booze!
Tom: This message brought to you by the American Council of
Boozeletes!
>I won't be surprised if people run the marathons within a hour, with
>the help of the newest Fast-Running WonderDrug.
>
Mike: It'll go even faster than that with the help of those new,
fast-running WonderCars.
>The time for the masses is up.
Tom: [announcer] But join us tomorrow for another exciting episode
of "Who Wants to be a Ubermenschenaire?"
> The Pokemon is a shade of things to
>come;
Crow: Strange Japanese Cartoons will rule the world!
Tom: No, he said the *future*, not now.
Crow: Oh, sorry, my mistake.
> the Ubermenschen, manufactured like Pokemon, would literally
>dominate the world.
Mike: At least until the batch of super warriors based on Tetris
take over.
> And, by their nature, they are devoid of emotion.
Crow: Meaning they'll be perfect for acting roles on UPN.
>(Somebody will certainly come out with the drug which kills any amount
>of sympathy or concern for others,
Tom: The secret ingredient? Essence of IRS Agent, of course.
> an essential quality for
>Ubermenschen)
Mike: Or for Department of Motor Vehicles employees.
> They won't spare a little boy begging to stop their
>conquest.
>
>Instead, they would incinerate Satoshi into Ash, in the moment of a
>milisecond.
>
Tom: Oh. A pun. Ha. Ha.
Crow: Thankfully, Gamera will then smite the Ubermenschen.
Mike: After all, he is friend to all children.
>--
>If I had been at Kitty Hawk in 1903, I would have
>been farsighted enough to shoot down
>Orville's plane.
Tom: After that, everyone will want flight insurance and I'll be
the only person to give it to them! I'll make another fortune!
>--- Warren Buffett, Nov 22 1999, at Fortune.
>
Crow: And Oliver Stone somehow manages to tie the Wright Brothers
into the JFK conspiracy.
>
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Before you buy.
Mike: Before I buy what?
Tom: Let's get out of here...
Mike: Wait a minute! I need closure on that last line!
Tom: Let's go, Mike!
[The trio exits the theater, Mike rather reluctantly.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Mike, Crow, and Tom stand behind the command console, upon which a
small TV sits.]
Crow: Wow. I never knew cartoons were so full of subtext.
Mike: Yeah, I always thought they were just shown to keep kids
occupied for thirty minutes. Turns out they're actually
sophisticated political tracts.
Tom: Are you two insane? There's no message in Pokemon! It's just a
kid's show! This entire post was too insipid for words. I mean,
who would be goofy enough to fill a cartoon with all sorts of
wacky political philosophies?
Crow: Ted Turner?
Tom: Besides him.
Mike: Look guys, there's an easy way to handle this. Let's just watch
a "Pokemon" episode and see if Feudalist's right.
Bots: [dejectedly] Aw, okay.
[Mike picks up a remote control and hits a button. The TV powers up in
a flash.]
Tom: Hey! It's on right now!
Crow: How convenient.
[Mike and the bots watch the screen, which is unseen to the audience.]
Girl: [V.O.] Oh! What a lovely day here in the forest!
Boy: [V. O.] Yes it is. I just hope that our feudalistic overlords
do not catch us shirking our duties by traveling into this
forest.
Crow: See? See?!
Mike: Shhh!
Evil Voice: [V.O.] A-ha!
Girl & Boy: [V.O.] Gasp! Our feudal master!
Master: [V.O.] Your hopes have been shattered, for I, your feudal
master, have caught you! And now, I shall kill you, for it is
right for the nobility to oppress the underclass and then
dispose of them any time that they see fit to!
Girl: [V.O.] Oh, what shall we do?
Boy: [V.O.] Help, help! We are being oppressed!
Bulbasaur: [V.O.] Bulbasaur! Bulbasaur!
Master: [V.O.] What? Ah! NOOOO!!!!!
[Sounds of battle can be heard. Mike and the bots stare incredulously
at the screen.]
Girl & Boy: [V.O.] It's Ash Ketchum!
Ash: [V.O.] Pokemon have been called rational beings, but
rationality is a matter of choice - and the alternative their
nature offers them is: rational being or suicidal animal.
Pokemon have to be Pokemon - by choice; they have to hold their
lives as a value - by choice; Pokemon have to learn to sustain
them - by choice; they have to discover the values they require
and practice their virtues - by choice...
[Mike presses another button on the remote and the TV shuts off.]
Tom: Huh.
Crow: Wow. I would have never guess Ash was a Randian.
Mike: He's a follower of James Randi?
[The lights to Castle Forrester begin to flash.]
Crow: No, not James... just see what Team Rocket wants.
Tom: He's a fan of the AMAZING RANDO!!!!
Crow: Oh, forget it!
[Mike shrugs, and hits the light, and the scene returns to...]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl still sits at her desk with Bobo and Observer flanking her.]
Pearl: Well, Nelserf, Feudalist might not have struck a chord with
you, but he sure did with me! From now on, we here at Castle
Forrester are going to follow the tenets of feudalism - me at
the top, and Bobo and Brain Guy as my loyal servants.
[SoL]
Mike: And this is differs from your current situation how?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh. Good point. Until later, Nel-
Bobo: Actually, Lawgiver, a representative Constitutional Monarchy
would be a much better form of...
Pearl: Brainy, oppress Booboo before he finishes that thought.
Observer: With pleasure, madame. [Observer mentally produces a
baseball] I choose you, Monkey Boy!
[Observer smashes the ball into Bobo's head, causing Bobo to collapse
onto the controls, and the screen contracts with a....]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Bobo: [V.O.] Ow! Political activism hurts!
* * * * *
"PokeQuon!" aka "A Treatise on Pokemon 1+2"
was written by The Feudalist
Misted by Matt Blackwell
Proofreading and Additional Assistance By:
Bill Livingston, Keith Palmer, Alex Gariepy, Douglas Gale,
Jeffery Ray Roberts, Brendan Herlihy, Tyler Dion, and Alicia Ashby
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
The Feudalist appears courtesy of ConHugeCo Toys. Ask your local
toy store for the latest Feudalist action figures! And don't forget
to ask for his arch foe, Johnny Equality, too!
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.
Keep circulating the posts.
3/4/2000
Twang.
------------------------------------------------------------------
>MewTwo apparently was not acquainted to the story of Spartacus, so it
>revolted.
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