MiSTed: "Mary's Story" with short "The Purple Elephant from Alabama". (2/2) (PROSE, GAME, CASTLE)
Bean
purple elephant dressed like Old Man Crimshaw from "Boggy Creek II:
And The Legend Continues" enters and pokes Mike on the shoulder a
couple of times.]
Mike: [Turns around and faces our purple friend] Whoa! Uh, can I help
you?
Elephant: [In a thick, stereotypical southern accent. If you can't
read it, just say it out loud, and it’ll puzzle itself out.] Iah'm th'
Purple Elephahnt frum Alahbahma!
Tom: Oh, I get it. You're purple, you're an elephant, and you're
dressed like a stereotypical Alabama-esque hick from one of the movies
we did.
Elephant: Riaght, and Iah wunna know whiah Iah was ex-glud-ed from
tuday's short.
Mike: Well, uh, we didn't write it. But we did read it, if that helps.
Crow: Wait, are you sure you'd *want* to be in that?
Elephant: Whut you mean, boay?
Crow: Well, it was a little, um,
Tom: Stupid.
Crow: Right.
Elephant: Wull, whut was it about?
Mike: Erm, this girl named Maria ...
Tom: ... who is the kind of person you would *not* want operating
heavy machinery, or even a toaster oven, if you catch my drift ...
Mike: Right, and her boyfriend Oscar ...
Crow: ... who's big and stupid and on the world's tightest leash ...
Mike: And Doris ...
Tom: ... who's either a child genius or an outdated on-line service,
and she's continually oppressed ...
Mike: They all sort of [pauses, thinking] talk.
Elephant: Oh. Abouht whut?
Mike: Um, it's not totaly clear.
Crow: We think Doris got hooked up with herself.
Tom: And someone got kissed on their 'date', where ever that is.
Mike: Mr. Bill and Rob Petri works in to this, somehow.
Elephant: Wull, golly, I wouldn't fit in thur, bein' all civ-il-ized
an'all.
Tom: Sure, whatever you say, purple man.
Crow: Anyway, there's a lot of other things you could do besides star
in this 'fic. Like community theater!
Tom: Or Broadway, stand up, or those doctor shows!
Mike: Or a cowtown basic cable show with a budget so incredibly low
that they have to make their robots out of Tupperware, gumball
machines and a baby seat and hope for the best!
[Everyone pauses for a moment, reflecting on what Mike just said.
Then, Mike digs under the SoL console and pulls up that Teletubbie
suit that we saw earlier.]
Mike: Here, take this. I think there's a firm in England that would
be *glad* to hear from you.
Elephant: Really? Wull, geeh golly thanks! [Waves happily and skips
off the stage.]
Tom: Skipping?
Crow: He'll fit riiight in that part. [Movie sign goes off]
Mike: Crap, we've got movie sign!
[Door sequence, then the SoL Theater. Our faithful crew sits down.]
> Once upon a time in a land far away
Mike: Poot, and I already did the Star Wars ref.
> in the galaxies of this universe was a country under the name of
Crow: Anhk-Pork?
> Terra-Nornia. In this country there was a species so amazing one couldn't
> believe it being that smart for alien life forms.
Tom: So, they just went to the country, did a mess of autopsies, and
sold it to hicks.
> They were called norns. Many people from far and wide bought CD's
> which show just how smart and amazing these creatures were.
Crow: The Backstreet Boys did the same thing, does that make them
smart?
> Thus I will now give you the auto-biography of one norn from this planet.
Mike: Oh, so because a bunch of goons go and buy CDs, we have to
listen to a norn ramble about her life?
> I give you Mary.
Tom: And I give her back.
>
> I would like to start by giving you a brief history of my past.
Crow: <the hick from "Ellen" who ran the Odyssey Museum> Millions of
years ago, dinosaurs ruled the Earth. In 1970, I opened this museum.
> I never knew my mother because they say she died very soon after giving
> birth to my egg shell.
Tom: Egg shell? Okay, so there was a shell, but no Mary?
Mike: I could live with that.
> No one ever told me what her name was or even how she died,
Crow: But it involved something called "Anthrax".
Mike: Castle Anthrax?
Tom: *OH*, how I wish.
> in fact the only thing I do know about her at all is that she was very
Mike: ... stupid.
> beautiful. Therefore she always got the man as you humans tend to say so
> I've noticed. Anywho since she was so beautiful it came at a price to her.
Tom: <Mary's Mom> Whadda ya mean, three grand for a face lift?!
> That was this
Crow: And this is that. Wow, a paradox!
> ...she over-populated Albia. Oh yes I'm sure you think I'm lying
Tom: Okay, who thought that?
Mike and Crow: Not me!
> but the truth is I have brothers and sisters who made the voyage
> over here to Terra-Nornia that will assure of how terrible it was.
Crow: <Mary> Wait, what were we talking about? I just sort of flew off
on a tangent.
> I won't go into detail though for I'm going off the subject.
Mike: Like that stopped you before or anything...
> Anyhow that's about all I know of my mother. I don't really care to know
> anything more about her either, and that's for two reasons.
Tom: <Mary> A) The author can't make anything else up, and B) I said
this would be brief, and I ain't makin' out so swift, so I've decided
to quit while I'm ahead.
>
> 1) I'm a norn therefore I tend not to remeber my moter after my childhood
Mike: She can't remember the little engine that makes her run after
childhood?
> like so many other norns.
>
> 2) I've got a sneaking suspicion that she died of some terrible ,
> uncureable norn disease.
Tom: From the way this fanfic's going, I'd guess and say STD.
> Therefroe if the case is true I may end up dieing of the same thing even
> before I have my first child.
Crow: A public service.
Tom: Go "terrible, uncureable norn disease"!
>
> That's all there is to say about my Mother
[M&TC cheer]
> ...oh wait I left out one small detail,
Mike: What, her social security number?
> her name. She was called
Mike: Candi?
Tom: Bambi?
Crow: Monica?
> Mary. I'm named after her of course.
Tom: [singing] A horse is a horse, of course, of course...
>
> My father...
Mike: Is Darth Vader! Hey I *did* get a Star Wars ref in!
> is sadly alive. True it is sad when I child says that of their father no
> less the mother but it is the truth.
Crow: And the truth will set you free. [pause] Okay, maybe you, but we
can tell the truth all we want, and we're still stuck up here. Pah!
> He's a manipulative old norn and in fact he's just pushing becoming a
> pensioner.
Tom: <Like Bob Saget in "America's Funniest Home Videos", imitating
a dog> Pushin' a rock, pushin' a rock, pushin' a rock, pushin' a
rock...
> Many norns along with me wish him dead and hope that when he does become a
> pesioner he will become less manipulative.
Crow: Until then, he's just a little Stefano DiMera re-incarnate.
Tom: I thought you didn't watch Days of Our Lives?
Crow: [nervous] Uh, no.
> Why you might ask is he so mean that everyone even nyself
Mike: Has Mary been mixing Nyquil and Dayquil again?
> included wishes him dead? Well I'll tell you why.
Tom: <Mary> We have a betting pool.
> His name is Pooh.
Mike: What, do they have something against hunny-loving bears?
Crow: Who doesn't?
> He is though I must admit extremely cute.
Tom: Eww dear gosh ... inbreeds ...
> At first sight you fall in love with him,
Tom: EWW ... EWW ...
> but only after moments of talking with him you know why everyone runs away
> in terror as he enters the scene.
Mike: <Mary> No one else thinks the "festive" Godzilla suit is funny.
> He was borne
Crow: In ye olde days of yore ...
> out of a strange woman who thought that raising norns to care for one
> another was a foolish notion and let her children run wild.
Tom: Does she get her information from Dr. Lipshitz?
> Its hard to believe at all that Pooh even knew how to speak the few words
> he knows all ready.
Crow: "Booze" and "Drink".
> He was a bullie when he was a child and ever since then. Its a
> wonder how he ever gets to kiss pop other norns.
Crow: Like I said - booze...
> His idea of how to get a girl to be ready for him to kiss pop them is to
> slap and beat up the girls.
Tom: What, you mean that's *not* how you do it?
Mike: Hoh boy. Tom, we need to have a talk ...
> Often I have seen girls crying afterwards when they find out that
> they are pregnant.
Tom: Does the talk relate to what these girls obviously don't know?
Mike: Uh, no.
> Their family just shakes its head
Crow: So, the family just has one collective head?
> and says...
Mike: [serious tone] Nanny nanny boo boo.
> well you were willing to let him kiss pop you. You can't get rid of it
> now. Then the girl is disowned and left to fend for herself against the
> Grendel and all other evils of Terra-Nornia.
Tom: Like the tax collector.
> Though here's one small rumur
Crow: Rumur? Like lemur?
Tom: Joey the lemur!
> I'll leave you with at the end of this paragraph.
Mike: <Mary> The end is near!
> It is said that not only did my mother Mary not cry when she found out she
> was impregnanted by my father but she also giggled and did a little jig.
[Everyone hums Irish jig music]
>
> Well as you know by now my name is Mary.
Tom: <big dumb voice> D'uh, no, I thought it was Todd.
> I have a bald norn head,
Mike: Rogane fixes that...
> and body.
Tom: You know, I'm rather glad her body is bald. There's just
something about a hairy body...
> Purple mountian legs and arms.
Crow: ... are something that I *don't* have.
> When I was born from the incubator
Tom: Oh, well, that explains the egg shell bit.
> there was another baby there in the incubator room learning from the
> encyclpedia.
Mike: If she means the encyclopedia, then does that make American
children behind the Japanese *and* the Terra-Nornians?
> His name was Paul
Tom: McCarthy?
> and he was a handsome little devil.
Crow: That explains a lot about the Beatles' music, actually.
> He had a purple mountain head and body, acoumpanied by
Mike: The New York Philharmonic?
Tom: This fanfic couldn't afford that. It would be more like the
Spooner, Wisconsin Jug Band.
> purple mountain legs and then horse norn arms. He never quit smiling and
> I think it was then that I fell
Crow: Crash!
> in love with him. We spent our whole babyhood
Mike: Baby-lon 5?
> there. Sometimes he would tutor me when I couldn't quite pronouce a word.
Tom: In other words, Paul was rather busy.
> Then when I got it right he would congragulate me with a kiss. Sometimes
> we would be to busy talking to even eat!
Crow: Ironically, they would talk about food.
> Once his life force even dropped below fifty percent and then I had to
> coax him to eat some food. That was the worst time in my life. The great
> hand
Mike: Do you think the hand might get just a little respect?
> was constantly injecting him with medicines.
Tom: [suspicious tone] Oh, *sure*. We get it. "Medicine", you say. Uh
huh.
>
> There was one moment in which I'll never forget.
>
> "Mary, If you wish I'll tell you my moniker. Then we can live together
> forever."
Crow: What does that have to do with the price of hen eggs in
Jerusalem?
> he croaked out.
Mike: Ribbit.
>
> Gasping out in between
Tom: No, no, fanfic, in and out. Then we could do a lame joke about
that song [sings] in and out the window!
> sobs I said to him,"It wouldn't be the same ,Paul.
> Oh, Paul! Please don't leave me! PLEASE!"
Crow: What? Wait, wait, should this scene of had, maybe, I dunno, a
set up?
>
> Now after Paul recovered from his sickness he had changed.
Tom: His underwear.
> He had changed in some way that at the time I had no clue as to what was
> wrong with him.
Mike: <Mary> It was the weirdest thing ... he was made of springs, he
called himself "Coiley", and he kept shouting "NO SPRINGS!", then
laughing like a fool.
> Little did I know that I too would soon find that I would change too,
Crow: [taunting] C'mon fanfic, insert one more "I" in there, I dare
you!
> and find out just what happened to Paul. Anyway, soon after he recovered
> his sister was born and so she joined us in the incubator room. I'm not
> sure as to whether her joining us affected Paul either.
Tom: <Mary> I mean, he acted different, but I can never be sure.
> So anyway Paul's sister was named Paulette.
Crow: Paul and the Paulettes! One night only!
> She was exactly like him only in female form.
Mike: <Mary> In fact, sometimes Paul was in female form, too.
> At first things went as it had been before Paul had been sick.
Tom: But if they were like that, there would be no Paulette!
> Everyone was happy there in the incubator room. We were all quite happy
Crow: <Author> Happy happy happy. They were incessantly happy. Did I
mention they were happy? They could not of been happier. They just
spurted happy beams from their bodies. They were so happy ...
Mike: Okay, that's enough...
> and Paulette and I loved to learn together
Mike: Or learned to love together...
> we became immediate best friends. Our spirit was always darkened though by
> Paul.
Crow: <Author> Because they were happy. Happy happy ...
Mike: Stop that!
> He had become rebellious, and didn't care to learn anymore.
Tom: I mean, after you memorize the Magna Carta, what more is there to
do?
> He would bounce the balls high with tremendous effort.
[Everyone snickers]
Mike: Okay, is there a *clean* riff we can put there?
Crow: Probably not.
Mike: Thought so. Moving on...
> Then he would cool off and practicly kiss everything in sight as if he was
> on Love Potion #9.
Tom: Okay, so beings from another world know about old 50's rock and
roll songs?
>
> After Paul's first kissing spree,Paulette and I
Crow: ... could *not* figure out where the eggs came from.
> tried to stay out of his way( Though it was practicly impossible).
Tom: He was HUGE!
> I have vague memories of the great hand shouting commands at Paul to push
> door. Instead he would fire
Crow: After the school shootings, is that really appropriate?
> up into rebellion again
All: [singing] He's a rebel, and he'll never, never be any good!
> and go off into another kissing spree. I had begun to grow tired of all of
> these going ons. Paulette was becoming so tiresome in her babyish ways.
> Then that was the clue babyish ways!!
Tom: Oh, well, that makes ... huh?!
> So obvious was it now to me what had happened to Paul.
Mike: <Yoda> Weird he was. Beat him down I must!
Crow: You're just cracking those refs one after the other, arent't
you, Mikey-boy?
> He had become a child and was no longer a baby! Therefore I was a child
> too!
Crow: The fanfic that delivers more "huh?"s per minute than "Future
War"!
> I ran up to Paul kissed him on the cheek and said" Let's push the
> door,Paul!"
Tom: <Paul> Door?
>
> Together we tred toward the door. Then arching up high we did something
> that would mark our lives forever. We pushed the door,and doing so we
> pushed back our babyhood.
Mike: It seems Anne had some writing help from the staff who did "The
Wonder Years".
> We were now ready to do anything in Terra-Nornia. Anything couldd happen
> and no matter what happened we would do it together!
Crow: <Mary> Or so I thought, but Paul suffered a fatal heart attack,
and then I was kind of stuck.
>
>
>
Tom: <Anne> Please enjoy this blank white space.
> End of Part 1.
Mike: Does she ever finish a story?
>
> Written by: Anne
Crow: Her mom would be proud.
[Mike picks up Tom, and they exit the SoL theater.]
[Door Sequence]
[SoL Bridge. Crow has a small pencil propped in his hand, to give the
effect that he's writing something. Mike enters.]
Mike: Hi, Crow, what're you doing?
Crow: Well, I decided to write down my history.
Mike: Like the norn in the story?
Crow: Story?
Mike: ... never mind. What do you have so far?
Crow: [clears throat] "I was created by Joel Robinson November 24th,
1988. Then, we watched a bad movie. And then we watched another, and
another, and another ... [continues saying "and another" for a very
long time]
[Mad's light goes off, Mike hits it.]
[Castle Forrester. Pearl is swatting around herself, and we hear more
buzzing.]
Pearl: Hello, [swat] Nellie. I [swat] just wanted to [swat] .. oh,
darn this. [calls offscreen] Brain Guy! Where's that Raid? We have a
bee in here!
Observer: [enters with Raid can, waits calmly, then sprays. Instead of
spraying, we hear a dry hiss as Brain Guy realizes he's out of Raid.
He shakes the can hard, but still no Raid. Finally, the camera pans
as the bee flies to a nearby table with Brain Guy's brain tray on it.
The bee lands calmly on the tray.]
That's the end of that. [Insert love theme here. As the song starts, we hear
a loud bee buzz, and then Brain Guy's screams of all out pain are heard
through the credits. You figure it out.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is Copyrighted by Best Brains Incorporated.
Tom, Mike, Crow, Pearl, Bobo, Brain Guy, Gypsy, Cambot, Castle Forrester,
The SoL and its theater are also Copyrighted by Best Brains Incorporated.
I have nothing to do with it. "The Purple Elephant From Alabama" and "Mary's
Story" just so happen to not be mine, those are Anne's. Maria, Doris, Oscar,
Mary, Pooh, Mary's Mother, Paul, and Paulette are her creations. Creatures
is a game from Cyberlife Ltd. (www.cyberlife.co.uk). No disrespect is meant
to Anne and her work, and none to BBI.
What a disclaimer. In short: Don't sue me.
> Their family just shakes its head and says... well you were willing to let
> him kiss pop you.
Bean
"You do it on the toilet?! :-O Well..it explains why you sound strained at
points."
-Miff, commenting on how I record OtA. (NOT on the toilet!)
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