[MiSTing] New Year's MiSTing (second of 2) - "From the Mailbag"

[Tirran]

A twofer!

Tir'

[begins]

Nothing special here... no 'Eye of Argon,' no "Athena Prospects,'
just a bunch of email spam. But I wanted to do something a bit
different with the break segments, and I hope you like it. If it
_doesn't_ work, well, it wasn't like I wasted any really good material
writing it.

"From the Mailbag"

MiSTing by: Ron "Tirran" Orr [griz...@vianet.on.ca]
December 11, 2000

Disclaimers:
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are (c) Copyright Best
Brains Inc., and much benefit may they gain therefrom. This
MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains (though I hear
they like the idea of them.) It may be distributed freely and
read widely as long as it is reproduced in its entirety and
this notice is intact, really intact, I mean, every word in
place, dig?

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment/parody purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc. or
by the creators of the material MiSTed is intended or should
be inferred. And yes, I checked. Same goes for the gratuitous
Monty Python references, and the appearance of various members
of that troupe here and there in the MiSTing.

This MiSTing is intended as humorous commentary, and not a
direct attack on those MiSTed. Whoever they are.

You may say what you like about this MiSTing, but say it
politely, or I'll get all parodic on your ass.

************************************************************************

[The darkness of space. Earth is small and far away, about 30
degrees down.
[A tiny space-suited figure appears, approaching slowly,
slowly, slowly... when it's close enough it raises the tinted
visor on its helmet and we see JOEL, unshaven, unkempt,
within. He fumbles at his chest a moment; we hear the crackle
of a radio, then one word.]

JOEL: It's...

[theme music begins... you all know the words]

"If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show
I should really just relax

"For Mystery Internet Theater 3000!"
[A giant foot drops out of nowhere and crushes the logo...]

[Interior, SOL. The bridge is decorated like a BBC-TV set from
the 60s - if you've seen enough old Britcoms, you'll know
what I mean. MIKE, TOM and CROW are sitting around a low,
circular table in equally low chairs, looking as earnest as
they're able.]

MIKE: [with great sincerity] Hello, boys and girls!
TOM: [ibid] Hello!
CROW: [ibid] Hello!
MIKE: Today on "How To Do It" we'll be learning how to discover the
meaning of life, how to clone complex mammals, and how to make
lots of money...
CROW: Wow!
TOM: Fantastic!
MIKE: ... but first, here's Tom to tell us how to stop world hunger.
Tom?
TOM: Well, Mike, what you need to do is find a way to get food to
all the hungry people all over the world so that they'll never
be hungry again.
MIKE: Thanks, Tom.
CROW: Wonderful, Tom!
TOM: Thanks, Crow!
MIKE: And here's Crow to tell us how to discover the meaning of
life.
CROW: Thanks, Mike. Well, to discover the meaning of life you have
to sit down and jolly well think about it for years and years
until you get it all sorted out in your head. Or until God
speaks to you. Mike?
MIKE: Thanks, Crow. Now, to make lots of money, you need to come up
with an amazing product or service, then get on the Internet
and send out lots of email messages telling everyone in the
world about it so they all send you lots of money for it.
TOM: Amazing, Mike!
CROW: Amazing!
MIKE: Well, that's all for today...
VOICE1: [off-screen; it sounds like a mechanised version of Dr.
Forrester] You've got... pain!
MIKE: ... but first, let's see what our viewers have to say. Tom?
TOM: Thanks Mike.
CROW: [dropping OOC] Yeah, thanks.
MIKE: Shh! [turns to look off-screen] This is from Dr. C.
Forrester of Deep 13, who writes:
"Dear 'How To Do It':
"First off, if you think you're going to get on my good side
with this lame Monty Python shtick, just remember that I don't
_have_ a good side.
"Also, your little throwaway gag about unsolicited commercial
email has given me an idea for today's experiment. I'm sending
up a batch of money-making crap from my Hotmail In box that
ought to turn your brains to partially-ripe Stilton cheese.
"Sincerely, Dr. Clayton Forrester, Mrs."
[Everyone looks at each other as the lights begin to
flash. A pregnant pause...]
ALL: [once again as themselves, in a bit of a panic] JUNK EMAIL
SIGN!
[All leave the bridge, except for TOM, who is having trouble
getting out of his low chair without being able to use his
arms.]
TOM: Hello?... Hello!... [pause] [TOM turns to look at the
camera] Next time on "How To Do It", making _functional_ arms
for your robot...

- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -

[In the theatre]
CROW: Hey, Mike, we forgot Tom.
MIKE: I'm sure he'll thank us later...

>From: James <jame...@financier.com>

MIKE: Would you trust a financier who wouldn't tell you his last
name?
CROW: No...

>Subject: Re: Your future

CROW: Because that is where you and I are going to spend _the rest
of our lives!_

>Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 16:57:15
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>X-UIDL: 1039b0429cfcb67736c1770266e99d88
>
>
><!--

MIKE: Yes, I was surprised, too.

> Copyright (c) 2000, All rights reserved.

CROW: Wait a minute; he's copyrighting _spam?_
MIKE: The mind boggles.

>
> The information in this document is proprietary and confidential

CROW: And yet we spread it all over the Internet.
MIKE: Aloha confidentiality!

> and
> is protected under United States Federal Copyright and Trademark laws.
>
> Unauthorized decoding of the source of this document is prohibited by
law.

CROW: _Un_authorized decoding? Who does he think he's protecting
himself from?
MIKE: The CIA?
CROW: He probably sees black helicopters in his bathroom.

>
> No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted, in
> any form by any means whatsoever.

[Both sit in stunned silence.]
MIKE: Then how...
CROW: Take your own advice, Mike. Don't think about it. It lessens
the pain.

> Any such use of this document
> in any form, without the express prior written consent of the author
> is prohibited by law.
>-->

CROW: Need we bother?
MIKE: I doubt it. I mean, who is it copyrighted _to?_ A throwaway
email address?
CROW: Good enough. Just playing CYA.

>
>
><HTML>

CROW: Oh, swell. Embedded HTML.
MIKE: Kinda gives us the moral high ground, doesn't it?

><HEAD>

CROW: Too bad James didn't use his.

> <TITLE></TITLE>
> <META HTTP-EQUIV="Expires" CONTENT="Tue, 16 Jan 1990 21:29:02 GMT">

CROW: So... this expired ten years before it was sent out?
MIKE: It's fun watching futility in action.

></HEAD>
>
>
><BODY bgcolor="#ffffff">

CROW: #ffffff gets so boring after a while. I'd love to see a nice
#0000aa or a restful #003300, just for the variety.

>
>
><SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript"><!--

MIKE: Now _this_ is getting interesting.
CROW: Embedded JavaScript. This bodes ill for our heroes.

>function Decode() {

MIKE: Do you mind?
CROW: Not at all. My parser was getting rusty anyway.

>d("4!--\nsGF6DMONB (S) ]\"\"\", uJJ DMONBC DQCQD9QR.\nbNQ MHPGDIUBMGH MH BNMC
RGSAIQHB MC FDGFDMQBUD6 UHR SGHPMRQHBMUJ UHR\nMC FDGBQSBQR AHRQD
aHMBQR cBUBQC
pQRQDUJ sGF6DMONB UHR bDURQIUDK JU8C.\naHUABNGDM5QR RQSGRMHO GP BNQ
CGADSQ GP
BNMC RGSAIQHB MC FDGNMTMBQR T6 JU8.\nhG FUDB GP BNMC RGSAIQHB IU6 TQ
DQFDGRASQR
GD BDUHCIMBBQR, MH\nUH6 PGDI T6 UH6 IQUHC 8NUBCGQ9QD. uH6 CASN ACQ GP
BNMC
RGSAIQHB\nMH UH6 PGDI, 8MBNGAB BNQ Q7FDQCC FDMGD 8DMBBQH SGHCQHB GP
BNQ
UABNGD\nM");
>d("C FDGNMTMBQR T6 JU8.\n--34nbij34tgrW TOSGJGD=01PPPPPP034F UJMOH=SQHBQD34pghb
pusq=0bUNGIU0 cmVq=0+#0 sgjgd=01\"\"\"\"PP034T3qXsjacmZq tacmhqcc
gffgdbahmbW!4/T34/PGHB34TD34pghb pusq=0uDMUJ0 CM5Q=0+\"034pghb
sgjgd=01\"\"z\"z\"034TD3tQ PMHUHSMUJJ6 MHRQFQHRQHB MH BNQ 6QUD
]\"\"\"!4TD3$#z,\"\"\" SUCN U IGHBN FGBQHBMUJ 8GDKMHO GHJ6 z BG #z
NGADC U
8QQK!4TD3hG SGIFQBMBMGH, HG MH9QHBGD6, HG FDGRASB NUCCJQC.4TD3hGB iji
-- hG
cQJJMHO -- hGB U 4M3oQB dMSN eAMSK4/M3 FDGODUI.4TD30v\"% CBMJJ MH
TACMHQCC UPBQD
#\" 6QUDC.0 - 4M3");
>d("ctu4/M34TD3fDMIQ JGSUBMGHC PMJJMHO PUCB! dQCQD9Q 6GAD PABADQ
HG8!4TD34TD34PGHB SGJGD=01w\"\"\"\"\"034M34T3sGIFJQBQ MHRM9MRAUJ
BDUMHMHO.4TD3cASSQCCPAJ CAFFGDB CBUPP GH SUJJ
]</x!4/T34/M34/PGHB34/PGHB34TD34TD34TD34PGDI
USBMGH=0NBBF://ACQDC.UGJ.SGI@><]]y<ww<]/<wP]vKSA8vFJ/J9/#w<.<z.yx.#]w@zxvz<y]<w@
888.OQGSMBMQC.SGI@PNv]yO.]<P-]P<Nw_P]vNx].]<Pw-]P.MHRQ7.NBIJ0
IQBNGR=0OQB034MHFAB B6FQ=CATIMB 9UJAQ=0sjmsk nqdq hgY BG JQUDH IGDQ
UTGAB BNMC
Q7SJACM9Q GPPQD!034/PGDI34TD34pghb pusq=0uDMUJ034pghb
sgjgd=01\"\"\"\"\"");
>d("\"0 cmVq=0-]034M3mP PGD UH6 DQUCGH 6GA 8GAJR HGB JMKQ BG DQSQM9Q UH6 PADBNQD
IUMJMHOC PDGI AC, FJQUCQ 4u NDQP=0UTGAB:TJUHK0 HUIQ=0OG]0
GHSJMSK=08MHRG8.GFQH('NBBF://ACQDC.UGJ.SGI@><]]y<ww<]/<wP]vKSA8vFJ/J9/#w<.<z.yx.
#]w@zxvz<y]<w...@888.OQGSMBMQC.SGI@PNv]yO.]<P-]P<Nw_P]vNx].]<Pw-
]P.MHRQ7.NBIJ');03SJMSK
NQDQ4/U3; BNMC MC UH UABGIUBQR DQIG9UJ C6CBQI - MHEAMDMQC BG BNMC
URRDQCC SUHHGB
TQ UHC8QDQR. cNGAJR 6GA NU9Q UH6 URRMBMGHUJ SGIIQHBC, 6GA IU6 SGHBUSB
AC UB:
i.i., ]v\"# sJMHB iGGDQ dR. cAMBQ #z>, tGSU");
>d(" dUBGH, pj >><vy (w\"\")<<<-#\"#w. bNMC IQCCUOQ UHR MBC QHBMDQ SGHBQHBC
UDQ (S)]\"\"\" T6 i.i. UHR IU6 HGB TQ DQFDGRASQR MH UH6 PGDI 8MBNGAB
FDMGD
8DMBBQH FQDIMCCMGH PDGI i.i.4/M34TD34/F34F UJMOH=DMONB34pghb
cmVq=0-]03");
>return 0;}
>//--></SCRIPT>

MIKE: Well?
CROW: Err... I dunno. It doesn't seem to work.
MIKE: Well, try this next bit.

><SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript"><!--
>ky="";function d(msg){ky=ky+codeIt(key,msg);}var key =
"0123456789ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz<>]#\"";function
codeIt (mC, eS) {var wTG, mcH = mC.length / 2, nS = "", dv;for (var x
= 0; x <
eS.length; x++) {wTG = mC.indexOf(eS.charAt(x));if (wTG > mcH) {dv =
wTG -
mcH;nS = nS + mC.charAt(33 - dv);}else {if (key.indexOf(eS.charAt(x))
< 0) {nS =
nS + eS.charAt(x)}else {dv = mcH - wTG;nS = nS + mC.charAt(33 +
dv);}}}return
nS;}
>//--></SCRIPT>

CROW: Nope. Nothing!

> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript"><!--
>Decode();document.write(ky);//--></SCRIPT>063
>

CROW: Got it! I think.
MIKE: Well, what does it say?
CROW: Err... 063.
MIKE: That's it?
CROW: That's it.
MIKE: So... James claims copyright on some broken Javascript?
CROW: Yup.
MIKE: [after a pause] I wonder if he used to work for Microsoft?
CROW: Let's go get Tom.
[EXIT]

- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -

[Bridge. The set is still there.]
MIKE: Sorry, Tom. Didn't mean to abandon you like that.
CROW: And it isn't like you missed anything.
TOM: [not willing to be especially forgiving] Yeah, well, it
wasn't any fun here, either. I kept wanting to soften my
ahh's... I mean r's, and even adopt a round, fruity tone in my
speech.
[As TOM speaks, from offstage appears... yes, it's MICHAEL
PALIN!]
PALIN: Excuse me... have you seen my wife?
[Everyone is somewhat stunned at this unexpected appearance.]
MIKE: Err... no...
PALIN: Just as well, just as well. It isn't as if she's anything to
look at even at the best of times, know what I mean?
VOICE2: [offstage; it sounds like TERRY JONES doing his "pepperpot"
voice] Mr. Ratsbuttocks? I've found your missus; she's had a
bit of an accident with the llama.
PALIN: It's not got into the bananas again, has it? [to MIKE] Sorry
squire, must fly. Cheer-o! [exits]
[There is a long pause.]
CROW: Mike? Can _sets_ be haunted?
MIKE: I wish I knew, honey.
[The theatre lights flash.]
TOM: What a relief... back to reality...

- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -

[In the theatre]

CROW: "Reality"?

>From: <remove_...@email.com>

TOM: Now here is a guy with serious self-image problems.

>To: <tjar...@hotmail.com>

CROW: Who?
MIKE: It's a Hotmail thing. Don't worry about it.

>Subject: Earn $300/day with Your Computer

CROW: Wouldn't that depend on what street corner it works?
MIKE: Or if there's a Shriners' convention in town.

>Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 15:36:09

>------------------------------------------------- This message is never sent
unsolicited.

[ALL burst out laughing]

> Remove instructions and the reason you are receiving this
email are at the bottom.

CROW: Of the birdcage.
TOM: Where they belong.

> -------------------------------------------------

TOM: After seeing so many eye-straining dividers, these ones are a
positive gem.

>What if you could make a comfortable living doing something you really enjoy
doing...instead of what you HAVE TO DO...just to make a living?

[MIKE begins to whimper]

>What if you set your system up and have it producing for you in a few
HOURS...instead of weeks...or months?

CROW: Or years?
TOM: Or decades?
CROW: Or centuries?

>What if the system allowed you to work whatever hours you choose...even in your
pajamas?

[MIKE is still whimpering. He looks down at his jumpsuit; the
whimper becomes louder.]

>What if you could make so much money working your system...that you could live
anywhere...anyway you please?

[MIKE is now sobbing openly. The BOTS look at each other in
concern.]

>Sound like a pipe dream?
>It's not!!

TOM: Mike? Mike? It's OK. Remember, this isn't real; it's spam, and
you _know_ they're lying to you.
MIKE: [miserably] I know... but the hope was there, just for a
moment...
CROW: That's OK. C'mon, Mike. We'll riff this, and you'll feel
better. I promise. Okay?
MIKE: 'kay...

>People from all walks of life are learning from and making money with the
CookieCutter Marketing System.

TOM: Take _that,_ Girl Scouts!

>Internet newbies...discouraged MLM'ers...seasoned professional online
marketers...

CROW: Morons...
TOM: Suckers...

> they're all using this system to build their own version of the
dream.

CROW: [in a spooky whisper] If you spam it, they will come...

>We get new success stories almost daily.

TOM: Even if we have to write them ourselves.

>Read for yourself...
>___________________________________

MIKE: [still sniffling a bit] Well, that wasn't very informative.
CROW: There we go, Mike. That's the stuff!

>"I just want to say Thank You for the CookieCutter System. Not only has it
given me a new income stream,

TOM: "Do you have any idea what fresh trout goes for in the
specialty shops?"

> but I've learned so much from the site!

TOM: "I now know how to annoy total strangers from all over the
world!"

>As an "Old Timer" marketing on the web (3 years), it's becoming harder to find
new information that I can both learn and earn from.

CROW: Yeah, I've been around forever! I know everything! I AM A
NET.GOD!
TOM: Oh, so that _was_ you on net.abuse!

> The Cookie Cutter
Site is full
>of fresh, up-to-date material

TOM: And delicious chocolatey goodness!

> that will benefit anyone. Thanks again."
>KS
>PS: "I made over $1,500 with CookieCutter within the first 7 days!!"

CROW: "And I once made $50,000 in two hours with a photocopier, but
they wouldn't take them at the 7-11."

>__________________________________

TOM: UPS. Sign here, please?

>"This takes you back to the basics in a way that is totally clear and easy to
understand. I started making money from Day One...and if I can do it,
ANYONE
can!"
>MC

CROW: Do the people who use that phrase ever stop to think how dumb
it makes them appear?
TOM: I guess self-denigration is a marketing tool now.
MIKE: Did we accidentally switch to PBS?

>__________________________________

TOM: [as Bill Clinton] We're drawing a line in the sand!

>"THE INCREDIBLE COOKIECUTTER ....
>Since we last spoke, I've received $3,820 in the post from this AMAZING MONEY
MAKER."
>PJ (England)

[MIKE, despite himself, starts to hum 'Shake Your Money
Maker.']
CROW: And had another $4,500 slipped into my G-string!

>___________________________________________

TOM: Passengers will please stand behind the yellow line.

>There are a lot more stories just like these...

CROW: Yeah, we spent all night making them up.

> This is October,

MIKE: I thought it was March?
TOM: I guess it takes his server a _long_ time to process
outgoing mail.

> and since
last December over 25,000 people have become CC members.

TOM: [singing] o/~ Oh, C... CC Members...
See... what you have done...
CROW: [singing] o/~ Yeah, C... CC Members...
Yeah, see... what you have done...

> That should
tell you something.

MIKE: Yes, that PT Barnum was right all along.

>If you're looking for some way to make money online, This is one of the
quickest, easiest ways to learn how to do just that.

CROW: And how many times have we heard that?
TOM: Current count is 23,121.

>If you think you can...you're right.
>If you think you can't...you're also right!

CROW: Wow. That is so... Zen.
TOM: You mean stupid, don't you?
CROW: That too.

>Sincerely,
>John Lewis
>Suite 609, Winston Drive. Canada

TOM: I know; this is Canada's revenge for the 'South Park' movie!

>If the CookieCutter works for you like it has for others, then it could open up
a whole new lifestyle.

CROW: You'll learn to dress better, to decorate better, to meet all
kinds of [lisping] _fascinating_ men...
TOM: Pushing the limits again, Crow...

>But unless you check it out for yourself...you'll never know.

MIKE: Well, I doubt I'll lose any sleep over it.

>Getting started is fast and easy. Within a couple of hours from right now, you
can be finished setting up

TOM: Which statement would have meant more had this message not sat
around somewhere for five months...

> and ready to start getting Your Daily Check.

CROW: You mean, like, bed checks? What is this, summer camp?

>Click The Link below to Get Started!

>http://1062375448/u/

TOM: Broken link?
MIKE: Guaranteed.

>Or, send a blank email to:
>xprss...@grabmail.com
>with the subject 'more info' to receive complete details via email.

CROW: Not just from us, but from everyone we sell our mailing list
to.

>Start Now!

TOM: I'd rather _leave_ now.

>------------------------------------------------------ Your address is recorded
in our database as someone who is on a "Safe List ",

CROW: I guess Dr. Forrester's tests came back negative!

> or who has requested
"Business Opportunity Information" in the past.

MIKE: You think?
TOM: Well, he _is_ mad.

> To be removed, simply
send a blank email to the remove address below, and your address will
be removed
Immediately!

CROW: But will still be sold to someone else.

> We honor all remove requests religiously.

TOM: We require a tithe, three Hail Marys and one act of contrition
to process them.

Remove Address: remov...@email.com
>------------------------------------------------------

CROW: Let's remove ourselves instead.
MIKE: No can do, we've got more incoming!
TOM: Drat...

>From: pa...@go.com
>Reply-To: pa...@go.com

CROW: Now that isn't a nice thing to say to your pal, is it?

>To: <Undisclosed...@nanum.bestrank.co.kr>

TOM: It goes round and round and round and it winds up on Hotmail.

>Subject: Get rid of your boss

[The BOTS turn very, very slowly and look at MIKE.]
MIKE: [extremely nervously] Uhh... hey...
CROW: Aww, it's OK, Mike, we're just funnin' ya!
TOM: [sotto voce] ... you parasitic capitalist exploiter...

>Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 10:21:06 -0600
>
>Have you ever dreamed of:
>
>- Owning Your Own Time?

MIKE: Yes, ever since my Bulova broke.

>
>- Controlling your Financial Future?
>
>- Feeling Good about what you do and Helping Others?

CROW: Easy, Mike; don't lose it again...

>
>Are you:
>
>- Tired of working for someone else and getting paid what "they" feel
>you're worth?

[MIKE is about to break into tears again.]
TOM: I can't believe Dr. Forrester didn't actually plan this.

>
>- Tired of the "get-rich-quick" $5 fantasy programs?

CROW: But they're all so fresh and new!

>
>- Tired of the MLM "dream scene"?

TOM: How _did_ she afford that big apartment on her salary? And all
those clothes?
MIKE: MLM, Tom, not MTM.

>
>- Looking for a legitimate home-based enterprise that can generate you
>$10k-20k+ monthly?

CROW: "So are we, but we haven't found one yet, so we're running
this
scam instead."

>
>THEN CHECK THIS OUT

[CROW begins to hum the 'Reading Rainbow' theme music.]

>
>- Make $1,000 to $15,000 profit on every sale and our system does the
>selling for you!

TOM: Umm... then just what are these people getting paid for?
MIKE: I'm afraid to find out.
CROW: Luckily we don't have to.

>
>- No personal selling or "convince me" tactics involved.
>
>- Complete information system in place that does the explaining for you.

CROW: Well, a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...
MIKE: You can stop there; we get the joke.

>
>- Free enterprise in its purest form, not MLM or franchise.

TOM: Caveat Emptor.
MIKE: What the market will bear.
CROW: Squeeze 'em until they bleed.
[pause]
ALL: MICROSOFT?
TOM: Wow, two gratuitous Microsoft insults in one day...

>
>- Full training and support in an environment of utmost integrity.

CROW: We pasted the word 'Oxford' over the storage closet door.

>
>- Exceptional products, not "vitamins, lotions, and potions".

TOM: [excitedly] Star Wars Episode 1 merchandise?
MIKE/CROW: FANBOT!

>
>- Lead generation system that brings qualified prospects to you.

CROW: "We supply you with a sign that says, 'Get It Here.'"

>
>- A multiple 6-figure income is realistically attainable in 1st year.

MIKE: "By us. Not by you."

>
>- 2 to 3-year retirement program... PERIOD!

TOM: Sort of like a race horse.
CROW: But without the stud benefits afterward.

>
>- This program is all about money... how to make it, how to keep it, and
>how to make it work for you.

CROW: Where to meet it, how to pick it up, how to make it melt with
passion at your slightest touch...
TOM: [to MIKE} You're not going to say anything?
MIKE: [with a smile in his voice] So far he's doing pretty well.

>
>CALL:
>
>1-800-340-8929 (Free recorded message)
>
>You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so call NOW!

TOM: Nothing but your privacy for the foreseeable future.
CROW: Hmm?
MIKE: CallerID.
CROW: Of course.

>
>
>To be removed reply with remove in the subject
>
> You will not be removed by calling the 800 number!

CROW: No, but you'll be harassed well into the new millenium.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

TOM: That was refreshing.
MIKE: It's the only place in this message where they weren't trying
to sell us something.

>Have you ever dreamed of:
>
>- Owning Your Own Time?
>
>- Controlling your Financial Future?

CROW: What, again? I'm having a SECRET FLAW! flashback!

>
>

MIKE: No, It's OK; it's just a tag line, like we do at the end of an
episode.
CROW: Hrrmph. Could have picked a funnier one...
[EXIT]

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- 6 -

[SOL bridge. The set is still there, but now it is underlit
like the Nostromo from the movie "Alien." Our heroes creep
slowly and apprehensively onto the set; MIKE is carrying a
flame-thrower (like Dallas') and is in the lead.]
MIKE: [whispering] I think it's clear.
TOM: [same] No Pythons?
CROW: [holding one of Ash's alien detectors] None within range...
wait... Mike? Twelve o'clock...
MIKE: [looking up] I see it... [shouting] Hey, you! Just what is
that supposed to be?
VOICE3: [probably ERIC IDLE] Ahh... a sixteen-ton weight?
MIKE: [sternly] Would you remove it, please?
VOICE3: Sorry! Sorry! We'll have it right out!
[Loud clanking sounds, rattling of chains and pulleys,
diminishing into the distance.]
MIKE: Thank you! [to the BOTS] Now, where were we?
[The theatre lights are flashing again.]
CROW: Do we at least have time for an argument?
TOM: When haven't we?

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- 1 -

>From: i778598

ALL: I AM NOT A NUMBER!
TOM: That joke just never gets old!

>To:

CROW: Firing off emails, blindly, into the ether...

>Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 16:00:05 PST
>Subject: $25 FREE + 200 Shares!

TOM: Vague, yet intriguing.

>X-UIDL: 3227bc1df11bff29ee403b9714737e3d
>
>If you like to get cash in your mail, then I have just the gift!

CROW: Would it be... CASH?
TOM: [to MIKE] How _does_ he do it!

> If so, just go
to http://www.matrixassociates.net/612.html

CROW: And take this little red pill!

>
>Get 200 shares of stock for $5 before company goes public.

CROW: 2 1/2 cents a share?
TOM: Inflation even affects penny stocks.
MIKE: And what does that have to do with getting cash in the mail?

> This offering is
good only for the first 10,000 that accept!

ALL: "Only"?
CROW: If all they needed was $50,000, why didn't they just go to the
bank?
TOM: Well, figure it out; if 2 1/2 cents a share is all the company
is worth, do you think there's a bank in the world that would
even trust them with a corporate VISA card?

> Hurry and send a blank
e-mail to Incom...@mail.com?subject=Share_Info for the information
to get in.
These shares will be of value or your money back!

TOM: Of course they'll be of value. Just not very _much_ value.
MIKE: And I'm sure the paper they're printed on will be worth
something.

>
>Do you need FREE leads for your online marketing,

MIKE: No, but my jumper cables could stand replacing.

> to get free leads on a daily
basis just go to http://www.freeleads.allhere.com/

CROW: Where we store the addresses we skim off of Usenet sex groups.
TOM: And plant adware on your hard drive.
CROW: And make you look at three pages of banners before you get to
the info.
MIKE: What is this, a "How to push-market" course?
TOM: We're thinking of writing a book.

>
>
>Get $20 instantly, just for filling out a short survey.

CROW: "What are your favourite sex sites on the Web? Are you under
14? What is your home address?"
[Pointedly saying nothing, MIKE turns towards CROW]
CROW: OK, OK, I know the routine...

> To get your $20 and $5
for every lead,

TOM: Hunh?
MIKE: Pyramid scheme.
TOM: Of course. How could I have missed it?

> just go to http://www.myemag.com/ and please enter my ID#
b7017 so I get credit.

CROW: [as vaguely Asian-sounding store clerk] No credit, only cash!

> If you sign up 5 people before the end of the
month, they will pay you $75 for every 5 people. Not bad at all.

CROW: Depending on your definition of 'bad,' I suppose.

>http://www.myemag.com/
>ID# b7017

TOM: Just in case you forgot.

>
>Sell your stuff at the newest auction site on the block! Just go to
http://www.esaleauction.com/

CROW: Yet another doomed attempt to halt the eBay juggernaut in its
tracks!

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

CROW: It's like an out-take from "Dr. Zhivago..."

>This e-mail was sent because you are on an e-mail list.

TOM: madsci...@egroups.com.

> If you would like to be
removed, just send a blank e-mail to
Incom...@mail.com?Subject=REMOVE_ME. DO
NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE!

MIKE: Which, given the lack of an actual email address, would be
futile in any case.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>

CROW: You can almost hear the breezes blowing across the empty
spaces of his mind.
MIKE: Sad, though.
TOM: How so, Mike?
MIKE: Well, if this guy put the same amount of effort into doing
real work instead of all these Internet MMF schemes he's into,
he might actually have a decent life.
CROW: Then again, as long as he _is_ running them, he's relatively
harmless and easily ignored.
[pause]
TOM: I suppose... well, there are worse things you can have on your
tombstone. [leaves the theatre]
[pause]
CROW: [with some apprehension] I think Tom's going dark on us
again...

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[Interior SOL. Same set, but there is a (patently
artificial) tree off to one side, and the lighting almost
simulates daylight.
[MIKE and CROW enter. TOM is nowhere in sight, but it sounds
like he is somewhere nearby, repeating 'Tweet tweet'
occasionally.]
CROW: Tom? Tom? To... uhh, Mike, why is Tom in that tree?
MIKE: In the... hey, he is!
TOM: [from overhead] I'm not Tom. I'm not a robot. I'm a bird.
MIKE & CROW: A bird?
TOM: Yes. I'm tired of being a robot. It's an unfulfilling life;
all I do is stand around and watch old movies and read bad
fanfics and Usenet crap. I'm escaping.
CROW: By becoming a bird?
TOM: I _am_ a bird!
MIKE: You're not a bird, honey. You can't fly. You can't even perch.
TOM: Can too. Watch this... Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!
[TOM plummets out of the tree and lands on the deck with a
crash. MIKE picks him up tenderly and sets him upright. Now
we can see that TOM has somehow arranged to have a number of
feathers taped to his body.]
CROW: You'll have to think of something else. One thing's for sure,
you are _not_ a creature of the air.
MIKE: Though the commercial possibilities if he were...
[The theatre lights flash once again.]
CROW: Maybe you should take up lion taming instead...

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- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -

>From: aapeter <aapeter>

MIKE: [grabbing CROW's beak and holding it shut] Not even gonna
give you the chance this time.
TOM: Good catch, Mike. I mean, tweet.
MIKE: Give it up. It just isn't working.
CROW: [freed now] Though the feathers _are_ an attractive accent.

>Subject: Real University Diplomas!

CROW: As seen on TV!

>Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 04:40:36 -0400 (EDT)
>
>Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
>and the admiration of all.

TOM: I had a fortune cookie once that said that very same thing.

>
>Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
>universities

TOM: How much prestige could you have if you can't even get
accredited?
CROW: Wasn't that the kind of place you went to school, Mike?
MIKE: Nah, couldn't meet the entrance requirements.

> based on your present knowledge
>and life experience.

CROW: I guess they give out a lot of Bachelor of TV Watching and
Beer
Drinking degrees.
MIKE: Hmm... thought you were gonna go for the dirty joke there,
Crow.
CROW: Don't be silly; it says, right there, _experience._
TOM: Zing!

>
>No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

MIKE: Just send money.
TOM: And now we know how they lost their accreditation.

>
>Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
>diplomas available in the field of your choice.

TOM: I can see this really cheapening the value of a Ph.D. in
nuclear physics.

>
>No one is turned down.

CROW: Providing you haven't maxed out your Amex card.

>
>Confidentiality assured.
>
>CALL NOW to receive your diploma
>within days!!!

TOM: I wonder of they can arrange for my commencement exercises to
be held at the post office?

>
>1 - 7 7 0 - 4 9 2 - 2 9 2 5

CROW: Where's 770?
MIKE: Atlanta. Suburbs, I think.
TOM: Well, Georgia is where _I'd_ go for a diploma that doesn't
mean anything.
CROW: Or Texas A&M.
MIKE: Ooh, we're gonna get letters about _that_ one...

>
>Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including
>Sundays and holidays.

MIKE: So you can get straight to work in your new career on Monday
morning!

>
>
>

CROW: What's with all the white space in the messages today?
TOM: Hey, Mike... you know, maybe you should call these guys and
get yourself a degree. That way, if...err, _when_ you get back
to Earth, you can get yourself a better job.
MIKE: [sighing] Won't work. That's how I got my job at Happy
Temps...

>From: Kyle

ALL: Hi, Kyle.
CROW: Wow, we didn't even get a breather between 'em this time.

>Reply-To: du...@hotmail.com
>To: Fri...@public.com

MIKE: Everybody needs a friend.
CROW: But this one was sent to Dr. Forrester.
MIKE: Hmm... well, maybe he _is_ that desperate for friends.

>Subject: Your FREE DSL MODEM!!!!!!!!!

TOM: Wow, HOW EXCITING!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: Settle down, settle down.

>Date: Mon, 03 Apr 00 18:58:01 EST
>
> First off, do you know what a dsl server
>is?

CROW: It's obvious _you_ don't.
TOM: Think he even knows what DSL _is?_
MIKE: When did you ever have to know what something was to sell it?

>It is a device that hooks up to your computer that first, makes your speed
>super,
>and i mean super fast. Almost the fastest you can have now days.

TOM: But you can't go below 50MHz or your hard drive will blow up.
CROW: I imagine this will attract those hordes of 386 users out
there.
MIKE: That isn't what he meant.
CROW: Wanna bet?
TOM: Who knows _what_ he meant? All he's doing is paraphrasing the
company literature!
MIKE: It is easier than doing actual research.
CROW: Or thinking.

> Second, it
>enables
>you to be on the net and talk on the phone at the same time!

TOM: The secret dream of every net.user.

>
>All you have to do is sign up with this company.

CROW: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, really. Is that _all?_
TOM: I'm guessing... pyramid reseller scheme?
MIKE: Yeah, I'd say so.
CROW: One company? I thought DSL lines were short-range.
TOM: Shh, you'll spoil the scam!
CROW: Oops, sorry...

>
>http://i.winfire.com/s/isapiEng.dll/wf.exe?cmd=rl&670,30059533&wf.exe

MIKE: Now before you guys get any ideas, what did I tell you?
BOTS: [by rote, without enthusiasm] Don't run any executable files
until we check with you, we don't know where they've been.
MIKE: Thank you.
BOTS: [same] You're welcome.
TOM: Let's get out of here before he sends us something from the
World Currency Cartel...
[EXIT]

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[SOL bridge. The BBC set is gone; in its place is a counter,
behind which stands JOHN CLEESE.)
CLEESE: I wish to register a complaint!
MIKE: No, sorry, we're not doing that any more.
CLEESE: What?
CROW: We're tired of the Python shtick. Move along, buddy.
CLEESE: [disgruntled] Oh, very well. [exits] This is why we went to
feature films, you know...
TOM: A little of that goes a long way, doesn't it?
MIKE: [Towards CAMBOT] Well, that's about all we have time for
today, but before we go, let's hear another comment from one
of our viewers. Crow?
CROW: Thanks, Mike. This one is from TV's Frank of Deep 13 who
writes:
"Dear Satellite of Love:
"I wish to complain about the quality of your performance
today. The riffs were poor and unhumourous and the break
segments were laboured and unfunny. Also, you weren't driven
mad by the banality and naked greed of the attached emails.
Please use a different format for your next episode.
"PS Doctor Forrester made me write this."
MIKE: Thanks, Crow. Tune in next time when we show you how to
decipher ancient languages, how to build continent-wide
railway systems, and how to get from orbit to Earth without a
spaceship. Until then, goodbye!
CROW: Goodbye!
TOM: Goodbye!

[end credits roll as the Liberty Bell March plays]

> This offering is
good only for the first 10,000 that accept!