arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton FAQ
Usenet Administrator
Summary of changes:
o RAFO.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)
for arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton
Welcome to the arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton Usenet newsgroup.
Before you rush off to post, we strongly recommend and request that
you peruse this small document, which attempts to answer the most
Frequently Asked Questions about Lara Beaton, her breasts and the
arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton newsgroup.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1. HISTORY AND CHARTER OF ARKANE.FAN.BREASTS.LARA-BEATON.
2. MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT LARA BEATON.
1. Who is Lara Beaton?
2. What does she look like? Do you have any GIFs?
3. Three breasts?
4. Which breast is the best?
5. Tell me more, tell me more?
6. Really no GIFs?
7. Can you explain the figment bit?
8. How am I to worship her?
9. Am I allowed to use the true name of Lara Beaton?
10. Who is Dylan?
11. Who is Kate?
12. Who is Chad?
3. GENERAL COURTESY AND NEWSGROUP SPECIFIC CONVENTIONS/POLICIES.
4. COMMON ABBREVIATIONS.
5. HOW TO FIND THE LATEST VERSION OF THIS FAQ.
6. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.
7. REALLY NO GIFS?
* * *
Section 1: HISTORY AND CHARTER OF ARKANE.FAN.BREASTS.LARA-BEATON.
This newsgroup, arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton, was created during
autumn 1996 by Alistair Young for the discussion of Lara Beaton. In
particular, this newsgroup is concerned with her breasts, but also
covers other aspects of her. Lewdness is specifically included within
the purview of this charter. The group is kept under control by the
Bastard Retromoderator from Hell, Norway.
* * *
Section 2: MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT LARA BEATON.
Q: Who is Lara Beaton?
A: Reputedly, a female Canadian engineer. In reality, she is a
figment of the collective imagination of the participants of the
rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Usenet newsgroup.
Q: What does she look like? Do you have any GIFs?
A: Sorry to say, no GIFs are available. We do know that she is short,
has at least three breasts and is hot enough to melt man-eating
icecreams.
Q: Three breasts?
A: Yes, though it is possible that she has more. This does not in any
way preclude the acquisation of more breasts, though.
Q: Which breast is the best?
A: Lara's breasts thrive from attention, and are enhanced by the proper
massage and attention. The more you worship them, the better they will
be!
That said, right-handed people usually prefer the left breast,
left-handed people usually prefer the right breast, and people who
likes to use their mouth usually prefer the middle breast. But as long
as the proper attention is paid, everyone will be fully satisfied.
Q: Tell me more, tell me more?
A: This question moves beyond the capability of your humble FAQ
maintainer, but fortunately I have been able to secure the help and
assistance of *bunnyTshens*:
"No, these breasts have not relied on mere external appearance to
achieve their place in our collective worship. Lara's breasts are
praised and adored purely for their _personality_. A remarkable
achievement in today's image-conscious, channel-flipping, Big Mac
world."
Q: Really no GIFs?
A: Sorry, no. Be aware that any person who claims to have GIFs of
Lara Beaton is likely a charlatan. Be especially wary of a certain
non-entity, claiming the name of Erica L. Sadun.
Q: Can you explain the figment bit?
A: Certainly, but be aware that reputedly noone has understood the
concept fully. Lara Beaton grew out of the desires, fantasies and
frustrations of the rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan regulars. While
the number of contributors were legion, some names though stand out.
Widely regarded as extraordinarily contributors are Andrea Leistra -
the Keeper of the Third Breast; Mark Loy - the Twin of Her Loins; and
*bunnyTshens*.
Q: Am I allowed to use the true name of Lara Beaton?
A: While Lara Beaton is a name of holy, mystical and powerful properties,
it is not forbidden. This is due to that the true and full name of
Lara Beaton is hidden from mortal eyes, and only a few Chosen are
allowed to know it. Even fewer are allowed to use its True Power.
Q: How am I to worship her?
A: There are several ways to worship Lara (of which the maintenance of
this FAQ is but my humble way). Widely recognised as good and proper
ways for worship are
* uttering Lara's name during MPS
* sending large donations of Cherry Coke to Vancouver
Q: Who is Dylan?
A: Dylan Flynn Alexander is not a who. Dylan is a _what_. Dylan is the
anti-Lara, the evil complement of Lara.
Q: Who is Kate?
A: Kate Nepveu is Lara's Prophet. Due to her importance for the wellbeing
of Lara Beaton and her valuable contributions to this newsgroup
Alistair Young has endowed her with her own newsgroup as well:
arkane.fan.kate-nepveu (sqr (K^2))
Q: Who is Chad?
A: Since Lara is a figment of a great many people not even the creation
of the anti-Lara could alleviate the paradoxes that appeared in Lara's
being. A safety valve was desperately needed, and it came in the form
of Chad "Oil Can" Orzel, for which Lara writes a new script whenever
the contradictions became too large. Because of this, Chad's behaviour
is often erratic and incomprehensible.
* * *
Section 3: GENERAL COURTESY AND NEWSGROUP SPECIFIC CONVENTIONS/POLICIES.
Do not feed the badger.
If you hail from Texas, do not post.
Especially, if your name is Dylan Flynn Alexander, you are most
strongly forbidden to post to arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton.
If you post on-topic, please give the "TOPIC: " prefix to the
subject header.
* * *
Section 4: COMMON ABBREVIATIONS AND EXPRESSIONS
You may note that there are many strange and arcane acronyms and
abbreviations used on this group. Here are interpretations of the
most commonly used:
afbl-b = arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton (also "a.f.b.l-b")
B^3 = *bounce*bounce*bounce*
DFA = Dylan Flynn Alexander, He Who Is Forbidden
ML = Mark Loy
MPS = Mad Passionate Sex, (c) Mike Macchione.
The Loy = Mark Loy
* * *
Section 5: HOW TO FIND THE LATEST VERSION OF THIS FAQ.
This FAQ is posted the 14th of every month to arkane.answers,
arkane.fan.breasts.lara-beaton and rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan .
This FAQ can also be found on the WWW (World Wide Web). Use the URL
(Uniform Resource Locator)
http://www.arkane.demon.co.uk/larafaq.html
* * *
Section 6: ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.
This FAQ was created and is maintained by Karl-Johan Noren, with
valuable help and insights made by Matthew Hunter and Magnus
Itland. This document was prepared under strict supervision by the
Secret Usenet Kabal and has been brought to you by the letter U.
* * *
Section 7: REALLY NO GIFS?
No, no, and NO. There are no BMPs, JPEGs, PNGs, PICTs, EPFs or
TIFFs either, so quit asking.