MSTEd Galaxy Far Away 1
mdb
Saw this it Rec.arts.tv.mst3k. Thought some of you might enjoy it.
For those who don't know, Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the
funniest show on television. A guy and his robots make jokes during
bad movies, in this case, it's a fanfic msting of a bad fanfic.
Comedy Central is currently showing Joel episodes at 2 am weekday
nights (set your VCRs). Watch it and you'll understand better.
You'll be glad you did!
>[enter DR. F.]
>Greetings, ratmm disciples! Glad to see you're still spreading your
>evil around USENET. [chuckles] Just wanted to give you an intro
>to what you're about to read -- it's Amy's first Misting, so go
>easy on her. [laughs hysterically] Oh... that's a good one. Rip her
>to shreds! Be merciless! It's a Star Wars/Star Trek crossover,
>and it... well, you'll see. Suffice it to say it's at least 10% pure evil.
>It's Regency and X-Files, with a dose of Forster thrown in for good
>measure -- that's E.M., not Dr. C. Oh, and one of the host segments
>is a blatant rip-off of something that other guy did... during "Space
>Travellers," I think it was. [chuckles again] Enjoy, pink boys and
>girls!
>[exit DR. F.]
>[lights up on the SOL. MIKE, CROW, and TOM are all standing behind the
>counter, dressed in high-necked, goofy-pantsed Regency gear.]
>MIKE: Ah, I swear I have never seen a lass as fair and
>toothsome as our fair Gypsy. The appearance of her makes my
>heart pound with passion.
>TOM: Oh, the raptures of life with sweet Gypsy! Never more
>shall mine heart beat in solitary... er... solitude. Yeah.
>CROW: Uh... forsooth.
>[GYPSY enters. She is wearing a pale pink empire-waisline dress,
>showing plenty of decolletage somehow. She has a wig on -- black,
>with spiral curls around her face, pulled up in the back. In other words,
>she's straight out of A&E's "Pride and Prejudice."]
>GYPSY: I swoon.
>[MIKE suddenly notices that CAMBOT is recording the whole
>embarrassing thing for posterity.]
>MIKE: Oh... uh... hello there, and welcome to the Satellite of
>Love. We just noticed how recently there's been a sudden
>upsurge in movies based on Jane Austen novels, so we decided
>to try out a skit. It's an educational experience for the 'bots,
>see, and --
>CROW: And Mike really wanted to wear those pants with
>the back drawer in the front.
>MIKE: Did not.
>CROW: Did too.
>[Mads light begins to blink.]
>TOM: Boys, Mr. Darcy is calling.
>MIKE: Oh. [hits light]
>[D13]
>DR. F: Good afternoon, Bingley, 'botlings. I hope you're
>enjoying the Mentos I sent up... [looks puzzled suddenly].
>Er... Nelson, I hate to be a downer, but did you get dressed
>in the dark this morning? And since when have you needed a
>rear door in your pants? Last time I saw one of those, it
>was on Frank's bunny jammies.
>[SOL]
>[MIKE is hastily zipping up his jumpsuit]
>MIKE: Just a little educational experience, sir.
>CROW: Get this cravat off me, would you? I think I'm gonna choke.
>TOM: Yeah, you try getting dressed in Regency gear without
>functioning arms.
>GYPSY: You guys are wimps.
>[D13]
>DR. F: Well, well, you indulge in your little fantasies if it
>makes you feel better. It shouldn't, you know. You're
>still going to have to sit through today's experiment.
>[SOL]
>[MIKE is trying to pull Tom's jacket off. CROW is making
>gagging noises. GYPSY looks on.]
>MIKE: Hold still,willya? I can't get it off with you squirming
>like that.
>TOM: I can't breathe! The walls are closing in! This is it!
>I'm going to the great Satellite of Love in the sky!
>MIKE: I got news for you, buddy. You're already there.
>CROW: Ack!
>[D13]
>DR. F: [looking impatient] Well? Don't you want to
>know about today's experiment?
>[SOL]
>[It's complete chaos now. CROW is lying on the counter,
>flailing and choking. MIKE is attempting to unknot CROW's cravat.
>TOM is naked except for GYPSY's wig, which has somehow ended
>up on his head. GYPSY still watches.]
>TOM: Ah, sweet freedom! Mike, how come you humans wear
>these silly clothes anyway?
>MIKE: Because vacuuming naked can be painful.
>CROW: ACK!
>MIKE: Tom, would you go find that Fisher Price Paramedic Kit
>Crow found the other day and bring it here? Charge up the
>defibrillator while you're at it.
>TOM: What for? He's a robot, remember? Give him a couple
>of RAM chips, he'll be fine.
>CROW: Will not! [gags]
>[D13]
>DR. F: I will not be ignored!
>[SOL]
>[Some semblance of calm has been restored. CROW lies on
>the counter, gasping faintly, collar open.]
>CROW: The... light... such... a bright... light...
>MIKE: It's okay, buddy. You're here on the Satellite, remember?
>CROW: And I thought it was just a horrible near-death experience.
>[D13]
>DR. F: [truly enraged now] Near death? You want near death?! I'll
>give you near death! Here it comes! A Star Wars/Star Trek crossover
>fanfic.
>[SOL]
>[All stare at CAMBOT in horror.]
>MIKE: No!
>TOM: You fiend!
>CROW: You wouldn't!
>GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
>[D13]
>DR. F: [chuckles evilly] Of course I would! Actually, plot-wise,
>it isn't bad, but what it lacks in pure badness of plot and grammar,
>it makes up for in weird formatting and hackneyed characters. So
>enjoy, Vader-bait!
>[pushes the button]
>[Movie sign]
>MIKE: Aaaaah! We got movie sign!
>TOM: AAAAAHH!
>CROW: You're not my father!
>1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *
>[enter theater]
>>~
>>Copyright 1993 by Adam B. Colby
>>
>>This is authorized for unlimited distribution as long as this message
>>is attached. There is a postscript file for this as well. I strongly
>>recommend it if you have the means to print it. This file was just
>>turned into text via MacWrite II.
>CROW: GAH!
>TOM: Dear lord.
>MIKE: Strap in boys, we're in for a rough one.
>>If anyone has more time on their
>>hands than I do, please feel free to add hard returns to this and
>>distribute it that way.
>MIKE: Uh, sorry, but uh, we have to uh... wash our hair. Yeah.
>CROW: [whispering] Mike, we don't have hair.
>MIKE: Quiet.
>>If any one would like a Macintosh copy of
>>this file, binhexed etc., email me at:
>>
>>ale...@hardy.u.washington.edu
>MIKE: Hardy U! Where the men are men, and the women are, too.
>>any other questions can be directed there as well.
>TOM: What... is your name?
>CROW: What... is your quest?
>MIKE: What... is your favorite color?
>>Also, if anyone is smarter than I am and can post to the net,
>TOM: [chuckling] Oh, he just left himself *wide* open there.
>>feel free. I'm not entirely sure that I have posting privileges, either
>>that or I'm just stupid.
>CROW: [Shatneresque] Must... not... riff on... easy... targets...
>>Enjoy......
>ALL: [scared, a la Spaceballs] Thank you.
>**************************************************
>TOM: It's full of stars!
>>...A Galaxy Not So Far Away
>CROW: But ma, it's just around the corner!
>MIKE: There is still no way I'm going to allow you into a strange
>galaxy by yourself, young man!
>>By Adam B. Colby
>>
>>A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
>>
>>It was a difficult time for the rebellion.
>MIKE: She'd just broken up with her boyfriend and was having feelings
>of low self-esteem.
>>Battles were taking place
>>against Imperial forces all over the galaxy.
>>
>>Luke Skywalker, the last of the Jedi Knights along with his friends
>TOM: He wouldn't be the *last* in that case, would he?
>>had just successfully rescued their friend and Alliance Hero, General
>>Han Solo
>MIKE: Our friend, Alliance hero, and all around great guy... General
>Han Solo!
>ALL: [wild applause]
>>from the clutches of the wretched gangster Jabba the Hutt.
>>
>>The Heroes of the Alliance are heading to Sullust
>CROW: Now I could see spending my vacation there!
>MIKE: You don't get vacation.
>CROW: It's a nice thought, though...
>>after a run in with
>>Imperial forces on Ord Yantell for an important briefing.
>MIKE: Important briefing, my foot. They're just going to tell
>him he's going to have to start paying for his own pop.
>TOM: Soda.
>MIKE: Pop.
>TOM: Soda.
>MIKE: Pop.
>CROW: Gentlemen? If you don't mind....
>MIKE: Sorry.
>TOM: Sorry.
>CROW: I'll have a root beer.
>> * * *
>>
>> "Threepio! Is the nav computer online yet?" Han Solo shouted
>>over his shoulder at the golden droid who was trying to fix the
>>computer and keep his balance at the same time.
>CROW: Multitasking!
>> "Almost General Solo,"
>TOM: And yet, not *quite* General Solo.
>>another blast shook the __Millenium
>>Falcon__ and Threepio nearly fell into Princess Leia's arms as she
>>staggered into the cockpit. "Sir, the nav computer is back online
>>and..."
>CROW: Haven't I seen this scene somewhere before?
>TOM: Yeah. "The Empire Strikes Back."
>MIKE: I think it was in "Star Wars," too.
>> "Chewie start making the calculations for the jump to
>>hyperspace." Han flipped a comm switch on the control panel, "Luke,
>>bring 'em in a little closer. The __Falcon__'s jammer isn't what it
>>used to be, and I don't want the Imperials to hear these coordinates."
>MIKE: [as storm trooper] Ah, sir, it appears they're heading for the rest
>stop off Exit 68.
>> "On our way," Luke Skywalker's voice crackled over the speaker.
>> "How's Lando?" He asked over his shoulder.
>> "He doesn't look good," the Leia replied. "I can't tell, but I
>>don't think he'll make it much longer."
>CROW: His career! It's barely responding!
>TOM: Dammit, I *told* him those Colt .45 commercials were a
>bad idea! Clear!
>> Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles knocked out some final TIE
>>fighters and punched it to the side of the _Falcon_.
>MIKE: That can't be good for hull integrity.
>> * * *
>> "They won't get away this time, Lord Vader I assure you,"
>>Captain Drekker said to the Dark Lord behind him.
>> "I hope not, Captain Drekker for your sake," Vader warned.
>CROW: This dialog sounds familiar, too.
>TOM: Yeah, it's from "Star Wars."
>MIKE: And "The Empire Strikes Back."
>TOM: And --
>CROW: Okay, I get it already!
>>Darth Vader turned from the view screen and walked up the catwalk to
>>the bow windows of the Imperial Star Destroyer _Nosferatu_.
>CROW: She's alive?!
>TOM: She's... nosferatu.
>CROW: [beat] She's Italian?!
>MIKE: I can't believe you guys just did that.
>>Captain
>>Drekker raised an eyebrow and looked back at the scopes.
>TOM: Ahoy, matey! Raise eyebrows and prepare to sail!
>>"Lt. Fulson,
>>have you broken the jam yet?"
>CROW: [as lieutenant] *Break* the jam? I thought you told me
>to *pump up* the jam!
>> "Not yet sir, I'm working on it, sir," the young Lt. looked
>>from his scopes for a moment.
>> Captain Drekker cocked his eyebrow again
>MIKE: Watch it! That eyebrow's about to go off!
>>and looked at Vader
>>who was watching the battle outside.
>CROW: [as Vader] I just hope the rebels cover the point
>spread this time, I got fifty bucks riding on this one.
>> * * *
>> "Here you go Luke," Han punched the button to send the
>>coordinates to the two X-wings.
>> "Coordinates received, General," Wedge spoke.
>MIKE : [as Wedge] You want to meet at Denny's? I don't think so,
>General.
>> "There's too much damage to my receiver," Luke said "Their all
>>fragmented. The hyperdrive's not responding." Luke looked back at his
>>fried Artoo unit
>CROW: Mmmmmm-hmmm! Fried Artoo unit! Crispity-crunchity!
>>and winced again. "Send again."
>> Han punched the button again.
>> "Got it! Let's go!"
>> "Punch it, Chewie!" Han said and the three ships dropped into
>>hyperspace.
>MIKE: There's a lot of punching going on around here.
>> No sooner had the three ships dropped into hyperspace, a
>>nearby star went supernova and sent a shock wave through the
>>hyperspace.
>ALL: Plot point! Plot point!
>TOM: I *hate* it when a star goes supernova right when I'm
>dropping into hyperspace!
>> * * *
>>Captain's Personal Log stardate 5991.1
>MIKE: No sign of the whale yet again. Dear lord, I'm a lonely
>man.
>> The _Enterprise_ is performing a routine supply run to the
>>Bajoran space station Deep Space Nine.
>CROW: No! Not DS9 too!
>TOM: Dr. Forrester is really pushing it this time.
>MIKE: Now, boys, think of it this way. With more characters to juggle,
>maybe the author won't subject us to too much Commander Riker.
>CROW: Oh. Well, that's true.
>>The crew is in need of a little
>>shore leave and DS9 has some interesting diversions.
>CROW: Yeah, I hear it's a veritable freak show.
>>Beverly Crusher
>>says that some of the holo-suites on the Promenade are quite
>>interesting.
>MIKE: [smacks forehead]
>TOM: Now *that's* too much.
>>I was unable to indulge myself
>ALL: [a great deal of throat-clearing]
>>last time I visited this
>>place because I was too busy working on an aqueduct project.
>>I must admit I am curious and need a little rest myself. Captain Jean-Luc
>>Picard
>TOM: ... has finally cracked and is now talking about himself
>in the third person.
>MIKE: No, I think that's just bad punctuation.
>TOM: Oh. Darn.
>>stood and tugged at his tunic and walked from his ready room
>>onto the bridge. "What is our estimated time of arrival at DS9?"
>> "Approximately ten minutes sir," spoke Lt. Cmdr Data.
>CROW: It's worse than we thought! Someone stole all their vowels!
>>"The docking procedure should take close to an hour, however."
>> "An hour?" Cmdr Riker asked astonished.
>TOM: [as Data] Yes, it's my first time trying to parallel park.
>> "Yes sir," Data explained, "The station has become quite a hub
>>of activity
>CROW: Especially since Dr. Crusher told everyone about the holosuites.
>>and they are not taking any chances with any sort of
>>problems."
>> "What kind of problems?"
>> "Computer viruses, diseases, collisions, or the like."
>TOM: Rebellion, insurrection, mutiny...
>MIKE: War, Plague, Famine, Death...
>CROW: You know. The usual.
>> "But this is a Federation vessel," Cmdr Riker put in.
>CROW: [as Data] ... with you on it. Precisely what they're trying to avoid.
>> "Yes sir. I know, but it is for our protection as much as theirs."
>TOM: Suddenly it's a Sheik ad.
>> "Captain, is this a way for Cmdr Sisco to take it out on you?"
>MIKE: [as Picard] No, that would be the time he slugged me.
>> "I don't think so Number One. I believe our differences are
>>more or less resolved.
>CROW: [as Picard] He says tastes great, I say less filling. Can't we
>all get along?
>>When your dealing with so many different races,
>>some of whom we've had no contact at all with, you cannot be too
>>cautious."
>TOM: Be sure to wear your protective gear at all times.
>> "I see."
>> "Captain," Data interrupted, "We are entering the system."
>> "Drop out of warp Mr. Data and proceed at full impulse."
>> "Aye, sir."
>> The _Enterprise_ arrived at DS9 and began the docking
>>procedures.
>> * * *
>> "What the Hell was that?"
>CROW: You're the author, you tell us.
>> "WWWRRRRONK"
>MIKE: Either that's Chewie talking or an entire flock of geese just got
>sucked into the Falcon's engines.
>> "How should I know? Luke? Wedge? Do you read?"
>TOM: [as Wedge] Only evenings and weekends, sir.
>CROW: [as Luke] Only if it has pictures in it.
>> "I read you General. What the hell just happened?"
>> "I don't know, but we're off the charts. It felt like a star
>>went supernova or we hit an uncharted blackhole.
>CROW: So this happens to you often, does it?
>>Where's Luke? Luke do
>>you copy?"
>MIKE: No, but I print, collate, and staple.
>TOM: That was *bad*.
>MIKE: Sorry.
>> "He's still with us. His transmitter must be out. I'll fly
>>over and take a look," Wedge banked his X-wing over to Luke's.
>> Han turned his attention to the instruments,
>TOM: [as Han] Trumpets, tighten your embouchure!
>>"Let's try and
>>figure out where the hell we are." He flipped the intercom switch,
>>"Leia are you guys alright back there?"
>CROW: [as Han] Leia, are you in the back seat with Threepio again?
>I thought I warned you two...
>> "Yes, Han. What happened?"
>> "We got knocked out the galaxy, it looks like.
>TOM: [as Leia] Oh, is *that* all?
>>We're still
>>trying working on it."
>> "Well at least we're safe from the Imperials."
>> "Yeah, but that doesn't help Lando."
>> "I know."
>> "Han, Luke's life support and radio are out. His battery is
>>just about dead. It will only take about one more jump."
>MIKE: [as Han] Okay, get the cables out of the trunk. We'll try this
>again.
>> "Understood, Wedge. We may have to dump the ship, tell him
>>to get into his extra-vehicle suit."
>TOM: [as Han] Tell him just to hold onto the Falcon's bumper, like
>last time.
>> "Yes, sir."
>> Wedge signaled to Luke what Han had said
>MIKE: What is this guy, a semaphore specialist?
>>and Luke nodded
>>and began the uncomfortable task of removing the suit from behind his seat
>>and putting it on in a very limited space.
>MIKE: Oh yeah, that's tough. At senior prom, I had to get out of my
>tux in the back of my friend's car, and --
>CROW: Nelson, we don't want to know.
>MIKE: Sorry.
>>"There are some things even
>>the Force can't help." Luke mumbled to himself.
>TOM: You mean you can't use the Force to get yourself dressed? Then
>what good is it?
>CROW: About as much good as your arms.
>TOM: Hey!
>>Just as he got turned
>>around in his seat, a strange tremor in the Force filled him.
>CROW: So does that mean he's been Baconized? Tremors? Baconized?
>Get it?
>MIKE: Crow, do you have any idea what a minute percentage of the
>civilized galaxy understood that ref?
>TOM: I can guarantee no one laughed at it.
>>He
>>turned around just to see a vortex in space open up and swallow all
>>three ships.
>TOM: Let's see... we were being chased by Imperial star cruisers,
>we got sucked into a supernova, and now a vortex has swallowed
>us up. Yep... it's Miller Time.
>>As they careened through the warp, Luke was pounded by an
>>intense feeling in the Force.
>MIKE: Punching, pounding... stop the insanity!
>>He slipped into unconsciousness.
>> * * *
>> "Commander, there are three ships coming out of the wormhole,
>>without clearance."
>> "Hail them, Mr. O' Brien,"
>CROW: [as O'Brien] All hail... oh, you mean the radio thingy. Sorry.
>>Cmdr Sisco ordered moving to a view
>>screen and watched as two small fighters and a freighter sized ship
>>fell out of the opening and the wormhole closed behind them.
>TOM: I suppose this is technical, but they couldn't really *fall* since
>they're in a zero-gravity envrionment.
>MIKE: You're right. That was technical.
>CROW: Not to mention stupid.
>> "Channel Open, sir," O'Brien said.
>MIKE: I hope it does better than Channel One.
>> "Unidentified ships, please identify yourselves," he waited a
>>moment.
>> "Sir, one of the fighter class ships is apparently out of control."
>MIKE: Starring Tony Danza!
>> "Get him in a tractor beam Mr. O'Brien."
>> "Aye, sir. Sir, life support is failing in that ship the pilot
>>is unconscious."
>> "Get him out of there."
>MIKE: [as Sisco] Hmm... it's an unidentified ship coming out of the wormhole,
>no way to tell who's in it, no idea what they want... yep, better beam 'im
>aboard.
>TOM: This is Star Trek, remember? Of course they beam him aboard.
>> O'Brien's hands flew over the transporter controls. He engaged
>>the transporter and the crumpled figure of Luke Skywalker materialized
>>on the platform.
>> "Sisco to Bashir. Medical assistance to Ops immediately."
>CROW: [as Sisco] It's Luke Skywalker! Bring my autograph book, would ya?
>> "Incoming message sir, audio only."
>> "Put it on."
>> "Space station, this is the _Millenium Falcon_. We have a
>>medical emergency, do you have facilities that we could use."
>CROW: Amazing how they all speak the same language.
>MIKE: Don't worry, they'll explain that away with the universal
>translator.
>TOM: Handy device, that.
>> "Certainly, we have already transported him off of his ship and
>>into the station."
>> "What?" Han questioned.
>> "We beamed him off the fighter his life support had failed."
>>Sisco looked at Luke just as Bashir and some medics came into Ops.
>> "Our emergency is on this ship," Han tried to explain.
>>Sisco ran a finger across his throat to cut the transmission.
>TOM: [as Sisco] Let's see... medical emergency, medical emergency.
>Oh, here it is. "Medical emergency: Cut off all communications with the
>ship in danger." Okie-dokie!
>> O'Brien shook his head. Sensors cannot penetrate the
>>shielding. Our transporters will be ineffective if there is someone on
>>board.
>CROW: He's a telepath!
>TOM: No, the author just forgot the quotation marks.
>> "Open a channel to the _Enterprise_ their sensors and
>>transporters are more powerful."
>> "Yes, Cmdr, how can we help you," Captain Picard was at the
>>conn.
>MIKE: [as Sisco] I'd like to buy a vowel, sir.
>> "Those three ships that just came out of the wormhole.
>CROW: [as Sisco] No, those ships. No *those* -- over there. Right
>there. Right where I'm pointing! I can't take you anywhere.
>>There
>>is a wounded person on the freighter. Our transporters are too weak to
>>penetrate the ship's shielding."
>> "Understood. Picard out. Transporter room try and lock onto
>>the wounded person on the ship
>TOM: [as Picard] You'll know which one he is cuz he's the one who's
>wounded.
>>to our port and beam them directly to
>>sickbay. Sickbay, stand by."
>> * * *
>> Leia picked herself off the floor and shook her head. Whatever
>>happened had knocked her out
>ALL: Yay!
>>temporarily.
>ALL: Boo!
>>She looked at Lando, he was
>>still unconscious from the medication they had given after he was
>>wounded.. Suddenly, his body lost all cohesion and he disappeared.
>>Leia was taken aback.
>TOM: She's just seen a guy disappear into thin air, and she's just
>"taken aback"?
>CROW: She's a cold, cold woman.
>>She thumbed the intercom switch on the wall.
>>"Han, Lando just disappeared."
>MIKE: [as Han] Oh, he does that every now and then. Don't worry,
>he'll come back when he's hungry.
>> Han looked shocked and just as he reached for the comm switch
>>it bleeped. He flipped it angrily.
>TOM: Watch it, buddy! This is a family show!
>> "Freighter _Millenium Falcon_ this is the Federation Starship
>>U.S.S. _Enterprise_." This was a different voice. Clipped and
>>structured, it almost sounded like and Imperial officer.
>MIKE: Actually, that's a neat catch, seeing as how Imperial officers
>all seem to have British accents.
>TOM: Well, except the guy in "The Return of the Jedi" who --
>MIKE: Uh, Tom?
>TOM: Yeah?
>MIKE: You're thinking too hard, buddy. We don't want your head
>to explode again, you know.
>TOM: Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
>>"We have
>>transported your casualty to our medical facility. I apologize for not
>>consulting you first, but his life signs were failing."
>TOM: [as Picard] We like to rush into situations we don't understand
>and take total control without considering the consequences. We hope
>you don't mind.
>> Han sat back for a second. "Thank you," he managed, even
>>though he was supposed to be mad. "What the Hell is going on? Where
>>the hell are we?"
>CROW: [as Han] Why do I keep saying "hell"? And should I captalize
>it or not?
>> "Deep Space Nine in the Bajoran System, Alpha Quadrant,"
>>Picard replied.
>MIKE: [as Picard] It's a hell of a town.
>> "What?" Han replied, even more flustered than before.
>> "Perhaps you should transport over the _Enterprise_ and we can
>>discuss this.
>TOM: [as Picard] Let's see... potentially hostile alien being from
>another galaxy... yep, sez here to beam him aboard.
>>The station crews can take care of the docking
>>regulations and procedures for your ships.
>MIKE: [as Picard] And the television crews will make sure
>every minute detail of your life is exposed to the public.
>>Do you have transporters?"
>> "No...uh..."
>TOM: [as Han] But I have some nice glass beads. I'll trade
>ya for the planet.
>> "Fine, we have your locks prepare for transport."
>> "Okay..."
>> Han, Leia, Chewbacca and Wedge all disappeared and reappeared
>>in the _Enterprise_ transporter room. Chewbacca screamed and
>>leaped onto the closest thing, which happened to be the security
>>officer Worf.
>CROW: [as Han] I knew I shoulda had him fixed!
>> "CHEWIE!" Han rushed after him and tried to hold him back.
>> Worf held his own as best he could against the seven foot
>>Wookie, but it took Han talking him out of popping the Klingon's head
>>off. The security team arrived phasers drawn and Han moved back, "Hey
>>there boys, let's not go nuts here. Let's talk about this."
>CROW: [as Worf] Your furry friend here just tried to kill me, and
>you want to *talk* about it? Talk about *this*, alien guy!
>> "At ease," Worf said rubbing his throat.
>> "He's just a little jumpy that's all. He doesn't mean anything
>>by it," Han explained to Worf.
>MIKE: It's just his way of saying hello.
>> Chewbacca groaned an apology.
>> "I must ask for your weapons," Worf said indicating Han and
>>Wedge's blaster and Chewbacca's crossbow.
>CROW: And Leia's figure.
>MIKE: Mr. Robot, you just watch it there.
>> "Uh...sure," Han reluctantly handed over his blaster butt
>>first.
>TOM & CROW: [snicker]
>MIKE: Now, now...
>>Wedge handed his over, but Worf had to physically remove the
>>even more reluctant Wookie's weapon.
>TOM: But a minute ago, the Wookie was trying to unscrew Worf's
>head from his neck! Now Worf can forcibly take his weapon? I
>don't THINK so.
>MIKE: Easy, Tom. It'll be okay.
>> A bearded officer came in and introduced himself as Cmdr
>>William Riker, first officer.
>ALL: [groan]
>CROW: No... please... no Riker.
>TOM: I bet it's against the Geneva Convention to sic Riker on
>these guys.
>> "I'm General Han Solo, this is Chewbacca, my first mate, this
>>is Cmdr Wedge Antilles of Rogue Squadron and Princess Leia Organa."
>CROW: [as Riker] Is she now? Hmmm...
>TOM: [whispering] Sir, that's "Organa," not --
>MIKE: Boys!
>> "Princess Leia," Riker took her hand, "I'm pleased to meet you."
>> Leia smiled coyly
>TOM: [as Leia] He's cute! Nice beard.
>>and Han stepped in between them, "Can we
>>see Lando and Luke?"
>MIKE: [as Riker] I don't know. *Can* you? [muttering] Lousy
>aliens, don't know how to speak good English...
>> "We only have one man on this ship the other must be on the
>station. He's in sickbay being treated now. He was a lucky guy.
>TOM: You know, I hate to point things like this out, but we *still*
>don't know what's wrong with him.
>CROW: Gimme a break. You *love* pointing those things out.
>>Right
>>now let's meet with the Captain and see if we can't sort this all
>>out." Riker led the four out of the transporter room into the
>>corridor. He smiled at Leia as she left. Han took her hand as if to
>>stake his claim, but she pulled it away.
>CROW: Leia's been reading her Andrea Dworkin.
>> * * *
>> The four rebels followed Cmdr Riker down the corridor. Riker
>>pointed out things of interest to Princess Leia,
>MIKE: [as Riker] That's a door, that's a comm panel... oh,
>look! We're at my quarters! How'd that happen?
>>but the others fell
>>back a few paces, speaking in hushed voices.
>CROW: They're afraid they'll wake the angry gods if they
>speak to loudly.
>> "You think we got tossed out of the galaxy?" asked Wedge.
>MIKE: [as Han] After what you called the bartender? I'm surprised
>they didn't arrest us!
>> "I'm not sure. The _Falcon_'s charts are the best in the
>>Alliance and we're clear the Hell and gone away from any markers. I
>>don't even recognize the stars,"
>TOM: And I thought we were such good friends...
>>Han explained surveying the ship
>>around him.
>> "Good point," Wedge nodded doing the same.
>> "What happened with Luke?"
>CROW: [as Han] I dunno... last time I saw him, he was wearing
>his huggy jacket and muttering something about the gods
>smiting him. I think he took too much Force, ifyaknowhatImean.
>> "His life-support was failing...I think he was unconscious
>>when we got here
>MIKE: [as Wedge] It's hard to tell though. He doesn't have much
>of a personality, even when he *is* conscious.
>>...wherever here is. The last time I looked he wasn't
>>in the ship. They must have transported him out, but not to this ship
>>apparently. I don't like leaving my ship to some alien I've never
>>heard of."
>> "Neither do I," Han agreed, "but did you see some of those
>>ships, one of them could have easily taken out a frigate, let alone
>>the _Falcon_.
>TOM: [as Wedge] Oh, that's a comfort.
>>I don't think we had much of a choice." Han stepped up
>>between Riker and Leia "Say, how do those transporters work anyway?"
>>he asked in mock levity, taking Leia's hand again.
>MIKE: Han Solo, ladies and gentlemen.
>ALL: [golf clap]
>TOM: And on that note...
>MIKE: We're outta here?
>TOM: Yup.
>[Exeunt]
>[insert cheesy commercial of your choice]
>--
>I always suspect an artist who is successful before he is dead.
>--Edgar Degas
>http://members.aol.com/rfothree/
We'll declare war on everybody, but we won't tell anybody.
)7( ;] ) 13
NINE-teen-FIFTY-five!
Rakelle
I've never heard of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and have barely
seen anything startrek-related (enough to loathe it :) ),
but still:
ROTFL!!!!!!!
One of the funniest posts in ages!!!!
Rakelle