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[Sith War IX] If the wind is right...

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DarthGumby

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Feb 1, 2002, 12:40:23 AM2/1/02
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Note: This post has two words in it that might freak
some people out if they aren't familiar with hip-hop
music.


C'Pi nearly choked on his cold pizza as Gumby finished
revealing its cunning plan. Jade just twitched and
asked Gumby to scratch its head for it.

"You do realize you can't just walk out of here to do
that, right?" C'Pi asked when his airways were clear
again.

"Well, see, I left instructions with some associates of
mine..." Gumby grinned.

"Of yours? Just yours? Do they follow the path of
Porkins?" Jade questioned. "How do you know they
won't be lured by Jedah or something less nasty to
betray us?"

"Eh..." Gumby said. "Jedah's back?"

****

Getting off a bus in Atlanta, Hootie and Lefty Two-Ties
began to walk, looking for the one Gumby sent them to
find.

They stopped at a basketball court where two men were
standing on a wall above a throng of adoring women.

"Fighting boy bands with rappers, very clever..."
Hootie commented as they approached.

"Miggida miggida miggida Mac!" The men yelled, causing
the girls to start waving their hands in the air like
they just didn't care.

"Um, excuse me," Hootie coughed. "Pardon..."

The men continued to shout about jumping, and Hootie
became nervous. "Oh please, don't jump, you have so
much to live for, um... hello?"

Finally one of the guys noticed Hootie and paused,
gesturing to his friend, who seemed a little surprised
to see Hootie and Lefty in their audience.

"Hey, yella niggaz, what up?" The bald rapper asked,
looking to see if there was a camera crew around.

"Er... Hello. We have been sent to ask for your
assistance in a matter of Galactic importance." Hootie
began.

"Which one of you is Chris?" Lefty interrupted.

"We both Chris." The other man told them.

"Oh. Um... Well, if you'll just come with us," Hootie
began nervously.

"No, which one of you is Chris Cross?" Lefty asked
petulantly.

"Nah, y'all, we both Kriss Kross. Miggida miggida
miggida Mac!" They added with a yell to the crowd, who
was starting to get a little annoyed at the Legoans.

"Oh. Well, the fate of Porkininity relies on you,
Misters Cross, now if you'll just travel to RASSM
planet with us..." Hootie was cut off by boos and
several flying pieces of clothing.

"We don't go nowhere without our house full of hunnies,
dog."

"Well, I don't see why you all can't come along..."

Lefty just grabbed his head and cringed.

As Kriss Kross loaded themselves and their women onto
their bus, Hootie fidgeted and asked Lefty, "do you
think they noticed that their heads are on backward?"


****


The phone rang at Porkinite HQ.

"Elmo is a Porkinite!" came the cheery voice on the
other end of the phone.

"Yeah, whatever. Listen, we've got Kriss Kross, did
your bosses ever get back from their walks or prison or
whatever the hell is going on?" Lefty shouted over the
noise of the party going on in the bus.

"Elmo cannot tell you that he is alone." The Muppet
said, then said something unfit for printing. "Elmo
means-- is that rap music?"

"Yeah, the rap guys that did Sailing or Bowling or
whatever are taking us back to RASSM, they got Hootie
deflowered by about three bootylicious babes already,
it's madness. Can I talk to someone with eyelids?"
Lefty complained.

"Elmo does not think rappers do Sailing."

"What?"

"Elmo listens to Gumby's secret records when Gumby is
away, Sailing is not a rap. Elmo thinks a toucan sings
Sailing."

Lefty slammed the phone down and pushed his way over to
the rappers. "You guys, did you ever record a song
about Sailing?" He demanded.

One of the Chrises stopped what he was doing long
enough to say "Nah, dog, that some whitey. He got like
a penguin on his cover."


****


Screeching to a halt outside I hotel in Germany, the
doors hissed open and Lefty dragged Hootie down the
steps.

"I am the coochie king!" Hootie cried hoarsely, as
Lefty unwound a garter belt from his neck and flung it
back inside the closing door of the bus as it pulled
away.

"Hootie, for crying out loud, snap out of it, man."
Lefty said, using one of his ties to try to remove the
lipstick marks from Hootie's head.

"Damn Gumby. That thing should have done this itself
before it went and got itself killed." Hootie whined.

"Whatever, now let's go see if this is the right guy."

The Legoans followed a rather tallish bird up to the
third floor of the hotel. After waiting several
minutes and stealing a maid's cart, they knocked on the
door the bird had gone into.

The door cracked open and a black beak stuck out. "Mr.
Cross is in the bath at the moment, come back later."
It squawked and began to close the door. Hootie, still
crazed from the bus ride, forced his way into the hotel
room and was instantly set upon by a flock of bodyguard
flamingoes.

"Holy 2x6es! Lefty! They want me too! AGH!" Hootie
screamed as Lefty, unnoticed, slipped into the
bathroom.

A man sat in the tub playing with a small boat and a
squeaky rubber flamingo. 'This has to be him.' Lefty
thought, and cleared his throat.

"Hey, guy, N'Sync stole your song, you must kill them."
Lefty read off the card Gumby had provided them with.

"Excuse me?" Christopher Cross asked incredulously.

"N'Sync, those pretty boys from Florida, they took the
leaders of the Porkinites hostage, you're their only
hope. Well, you and this other guy, Bill Gates or
whatever, I can't read Gumby's handwriting..." Lefty
trailed off, trying to remember what Gumby had said
about Gates making lots of Bread.

"Porkinites? The followers of Jek Porkins?! Jek
Porkins is my hero! I dedicate all of my albums to
him! Those little punk bastards, who the hell do they
think they are?!" Christopher Cross jumped out of the
sudsy water and caused Lefty to scream as loud as
Hootie had been screaming.

"The ducks are bludgeoning me with Grammies!" Hootie
wailed.

"No, God, No!" Lefty hollered, trying to cover his eyes
as Christopher Cross bounced out of the bathtub.

"They're sodomizing me with a small gold man!" Hootie
continued to yell.

"They're flamingoes you little yellow freak!" Cross
explained, as he corralled the birds away from the
Legoan.

After he retrieved his Oscar from Hootie's leghole and
put some clothes on, Christopher Cross, his posse of
deadly flamingoes and the two traumatized Legoans
headed off in search of the other man who could help
them, although who that in fact was caused many
arguments among the travelers.


Summary:

Lefty Two-Ties and Hootie have asked the help of light
music star Christopher Cross in the fight against
N'Sync.


DarthGumby

I know, I said it would be short, I lied. But hey,
Elmo was in it!

Galactic Boobies

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Feb 1, 2002, 8:20:42 AM2/1/02
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"DarthGumby" <DarthMyHe...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:6g7k5uo2g5oeq306m...@4ax.com...

>
> DarthGumby
>
> I know, I said it would be short, I lied. But hey,
> Elmo was in it!

I love demented Elmo. This post was great! Funny, I had thought of a similar
plot to your Christopher Cross idea. I'm glad to see you taking it where you
are.

Jade
--
And the fact that you remembered who Kris Cross were...

-Muuurgh (-o-)

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Feb 1, 2002, 12:11:09 PM2/1/02
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"DarthGumby" <DarthMyHe...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:6g7k5uo2g5oeq306m...@4ax.com...

ROTFLOLWTEHOACBTT!
I think this may be your best post every Gumby.

--
-Samwise Brockhouse of Loamstown (-o-)
Porkins is your daddy. But you already know that.


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