Fan fiction : Jerry Springer's Star Wars Trailer Park Special
Darth Chaos
and decided to add some things to it. It's Star Wars and Jerry
Springer, and when you think of Jerry Springer, you think of incest,
and when you think of incest in the Star Wars universe, you think of
Luke and Leia. :-D
TITLE : Jerry Springer's Star Wars Trailer Park Special
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Jerry : Welcome back. Today's show is about cheating women and their
angry significant others. Please welcome Leia.
Leia : Hi, Jerry.
Jerry : Leia, what brings you here?
Leia : I'm here to tell my husband Han that for the last 3 months, I
have been sleeping with my brother Luke. [Audience groans and boos.
The audience starts an "INCEST WHORE" chant.]
Jerry : You're sleeping with your BROTHER?
Leia : Yes, and I'm here to tell Han that I'm leaving him for Luke.
[Audience boos and starts chanting "YOU SUCK"]
Jerry : But Leia, he's your BROTHER!
Leia : So? He has one hell of a lightsaber! [audience groans]
Jerry : Leia, where are you from?
Leia : Wait a minute, Jerry. [removes a thing from her mouth. Now Leia
starts talking like a hillbilly] The Outer Rim Planet of West
Virginia. [The Jerry Springer country music plays. The audience comes
up on the stage and starts square dancing.]
"You say things aren't going well.
You're halfway to hell,
and you lost everything that counts!
Gone is your spouse,
and maybe the house.
The only thing you haven't lost are pounds!
Well the kids are bawling,
creditors calling,
when did life become this curse?
Your car won't run,
your days seem done,
Could things ever get worse?
But then there's Oprah Phil and
Sally, and Jerry Springer, too"
[the music stops. The audience returns
to their seats while chanting "JERRY!]
Jerry : May the force be with us for this one. Well, your husband is
backstage, and you say he doesn't know?
Leia : No, he doesn't.
Jerry : Well he knows know because he's been watching backstage.
Here's Han! [crowd cheers. Han comes out and starts arguing with
Leia.]
Han : What the hell's wrong with you, Your Worshipfullness?
Leia : Stop calling me that, you scuffy-looking nerf-heder!
Han : I'M scruffy-looking? The only scruffy-looking nerf-herder I see
here is you! You're sleeping with your brother! Did Palpatine suddenly
corrupt you?
Leia : You're never there for me! All your concerned about is that
damn
Millenium Falcon sitting on cinderblocks! It's all about your
spaceship, that damn beer, your Red Man chewing tobacco, and that damn
CB radio!
Han : I make time for you, bitch!
Leia : I got your bitch right here, shorty! [Leia bitch-slaps Han. Han
raises a hand to Leia, but security guard Steve Wilkos comes up]
Steve : Hey! You don't hit women! And watch your language.
Han : Who the hell do you think you are?
Steve : I'M STEVE WILKOS, BITCH! [The audience goes crazy and starts a
"STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! chant] Now sit your punk ass down before I tase
you, bro!
Jerry : Leia, please continue.
Leia : No you don't make time for me! While you're busy working on
that stupid ship and doing bestiality on that dog, that big walking
carpet!
Han : That's a Wookiee! That's Chewie! He's been my friend for years,
you skank! [crowd cheers]
Leia : But while you're concerned with your crap, Luke's giving me
what
I need!
Jerry : A two-headed flipper-footed hermaphrodite? [crowd cheers and
chants "JERRY!"]
Leia : Han, you don't know nothing about the force! Luke and I use
the
Force to make each other feel real good! Luke can use the Force to
tickle my G-spot! What about you? Oh that's right! You don't believe
in the Force! You're Force-impotent! Luke and I share a special bond!
Jerry : Looks like that's not the only thing you've been sharing.
[crowd cheers and starts chanting "JERRY!"]
Han : Where's that little snot nosed punk? I want a piece of him!
Jerry : Here he is! Here's Luke! [Luke flies out of there and tackles
Han to the ground. Steve Wilkos and Todd Schultz separate them.] Luke,
I understand you have a question for Leia? [The audience boos and
hisses.]
Luke [talking like a redneck] : I sure do, Jerry. [Luke gets down on
his knee. The audience boos.] Leia, I've known you for quite a while,
and from the first time I saw you, I knew you were the only one for
me. Will you marry me? [Han tries to attack Luke, but he's held back
by Steve and Todd.]
Leia [crying] : Yes I'll marry you. [The sound of a doorbell plays.]
Jerry : Gee, I wonder who THAT could be? [goes to the door and opens
the door] Why, IT'S REVEREND SHNORR! [Shnorr walks in and the place
goes wild with the audience chanting "REVEREND! REVEREND! REVEREND!]
Shnorr : Thank you. I don't have much time. I gotta hit the bar after
this, so let's have a wedding! ["Wedding March" plays as Shnorr, Luke,
and Leia move to the part of the stage where they have the weddings]
Dearly beloved, we are joined here on this most glorious of days. When
two souls - even from the same bloodline -
Luke : Watch it, Shnorr.
Shnorr : - join together. Hearts meet, hands join, and the birds sing.
[Long pause] I think that's how it goes. My memory ain't too good
these days, you know, since I started hitting the bars. [Audience
laughs] Luke, do you take Leia as your wife?
Luke : I do! Now git r done!
Shnorr : And Leia, do you take Luke as your husband?
Leia : Awww hell yeah, Revrund!
Shnorr : I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Han : Like hell you do! [Han pulls out his laser guns and shoots
Shnorr dead.] YOU'RE DEAD, LUKE! [Han charges at Luke. Steve and Tood
immediately rush in to break it up, but Luke uses the force to push
them a good ten feet away...Steve lands on top of Jerry, breaking
Jerry's neck in the process and killing Jerry instantly. Steve is
distraught by the death of his boss and he overdoses on tranquilizers
and dies. Todd lands ass-first on a broomstick. Yes, Todd ends up with
a broomstick up his ass...and he LOVES it. He unzips his pants and
whacks off while using his other hand to move the broomstick in and
out. He comes, but the jizz lands on Luke. Luke uses the force to
choke Todd to death. Luke then uses the force to choke Han to death.
Luke and
Leia get up.]
Luke : As of this day, I declare myself EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE!
[Luke's face suddenly becomes wrinkled and pruny like Palpatine's
face.] You shall address me as Emperor Skywalker!
Leia : And you shall address me as Lady Skywalker!
Luke : And if any of you have a problem, then step outside and look in
the sky. [Everybody runs out and looks up to the sky. They see the
Death Star.] Respect the relationship of Leia and I, and I will spare
Earth. Desecrate our relationship, and my Death Star will destroy your
puny little world! [Sees somebody flip the bird.] You got something to
say?
Man : You look like you have an ass on your forehead! [crowd remains
silent. Luke uses force lightning to kill the infidel.] Any questions?
Everybody : SIEG HEIL! [Luke and Leia laugh. A closeup of their faces
reveal sithly yellow eyes.]
Obi-Wan's spirit : Those two were our last hope.
Yoda's spirit : Hmmpf.
Obi-Wan's spirit : You're not going to say "no, there is another"?
Yoda's spirit : So fucked this universe is.