Lone Wolf's Song

[smokee...@my-dejanews.com]

near a water hole dry
the mournful echo,
of a lone wolf's cry
spills onto the midnight sky
the spirit call from soul to soul
with voices that colour this sky of coal
stars shine down
whilst the moon dances
across his back
that’s scarred by lances
and his lone voice calls for another
but she is gone-taken by men's fear
and hearing no reply
the water grows by one wolfs tear.

jaerickson
031899
051699

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[gina]

I'm not sure whether or not I think the lack of capitalization is effective
in this piece... maybe you should think about it- unless you already have
and want to tell me what that's all about? ;)

smokee...@my-dejanews.com wrote in message
<7ho7b0$pkd$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...

>near a water hole dry
>the mournful echo,
>of a lone wolf's cry

>spills onto the midnight sky

nice line here... well done...

>the spirit call from soul to soul

hmm... this one poops the other one out- can you keep "soul" out of it and
communicate this in any other way? there must be another way! "soul"
"spirit"... those words... just so overused I guess... I don't know...

>with voices that colour this sky of coal

hey are you british? "color" maybe? or is there a reason for this I'm
missing? I'm stuck on this phrase- perhaps rewrite it, rearrange it?
something? take out "of"?

>stars shine down
>whilst the moon dances

maybe you are british based on, "whilst"... ignore "colour" comment ok?

>across his back
>that’s scarred by lances

take out "that's"? it makes the phrase more ambiguous- interesting,
general...

>and his lone voice calls for another
>but she is gone-taken by men's fear
>and hearing no reply
>the water grows by one wolfs tear.

I think I'd try breaking this up into stanzas... I'd like to see another
revision... you've started a good thing here... keep going!

as always, gina