family

[Andrew Sebastian]

Thier touch creates us
Lifting your soul with words of gold
The slash of pain cuts through the whole
Shelter from the attack
With one hose, the soil is washed away from the road
With one candle, the darkness falls away
With one voice, the unknown becomes clear
We stand on their shoulders to become closer to God
Don't look back, for they are soon to follow

[kitz.the.ghostslug.killa]

Cool! I don't know what else to say... I liked very much! :o)

- k i t z -

Off through the new day's mist I run
off from the new day's mist I have come,
I hunt therefore I am...

"Carpe diem, dammit!"
http://home.talkcity.com/OceanBlvd/kitznegari/enter.html

[Andrew Sebastian]

"kitz.the.ghostslug.killa" <kitzn...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20001009145214...@ng-fy1.aol.com...

> Cool! I don't know what else to say... I liked very much! :o)
>
> - k i t z -
>
> Off through the new day's mist I run
> off from the new day's mist I have come,
> I hunt therefore I am...
>
> "Carpe diem, dammit!"
> http://home.talkcity.com/OceanBlvd/kitznegari/enter.html
>
>
>

thanks, makes it all worth it

[Rik Roots]

Hi, Andrew

Just a few comments - feel free to ignore them if you are already
happy with the poem as it stands...

> Thier touch creates us
> Lifting your soul with words of gold

I like the first line - sums up the principal purpose of family in one
line. But why is my "soul" being lifted? What are the golden words
doing this lifting?

> The slash of pain cuts through the whole

Again, what pain? What whole? There is a whole world of different
sorts of pain - are you aiming for a generalised "cruel world" pain
that the family should protect us from, or is it a range of pains
which originate from within the family?

> Shelter from the attack
> With one hose, the soil is washed away from the road

This image probably means something to you but to me, meeting it for
the first time, it has no obvious connection with the theme of the
poem.

> With one candle, the darkness falls away

Again, I don't see how this (very common) image relates to the poem -
are we supposed to be lighting our own candles, or should the family
together be lighting a joint candle? And whichever is true, why?

> With one voice, the unknown becomes clear
> We stand on their shoulders to become closer to God
> Don't look back, for they are soon to follow

In the end, the poem leaves me, if anything, confused. You've told me
a lot about your views on family, but you have shown me nothing which
has made me sit up and think "yes, I agree" or "no, no, no" or "that's
quite insightful". A few more images, and concentrating on particular
facts within the landscape painting which represents "family" may help
to give the poem more of an impact.

Hope you find this helpful.

Rik

--
So, soon they topped the hill, and raced together
Over an open stretch of herb and heather
Exposed. And instantly the whole sky burned
With fury against them; earth set sudden cups
In thousands for their blood; and the green slope
Chasmed and steepened sheer to infinite space.

- taken from "Spring Offensive" by Wilfred Owen