Gossip //Rik
Rik
also posting to aapc just in case ...)
*Gossip*
I heard your news. A quarrel of tits
clamp claws around the sprung twigs
of the sycamore - huffs of warm air
have cracked its buds; so pale,
these new leaves, as they stretch.
The sun plays catch-me with the clouds,
a roil of damp shadows battling
across a pitch of sky. Your news,
it grows like a lump in my chest -
I can probe it like a tongue tip
in the creeping cracks of my teeth.
Why do you break us?' creak the buds
to the wind; 'why do you rip us?'
bluster the clouds. Around the twigs
claws dig in, beaks bicker, wings flap.
(rev 1, Dec 07)
Rik, knee deep.
J.J.Plum
"Rik" <r...@kalieda.org> wrote in message
news:4fAdj.57356$036....@fe1.news.blueyonder.co.uk...
Rik --
I like this a lot. The only small nit is the word "lump,"
which doesn't carry the feeling of eager, sinister activity
I read in the rest of the metaphors, but sits there like -well -
a lump. The last line is a really excellent description of
your title.
JJ
>
>
> Rik, knee deep.
Dennis M. Hammes
Given the context and Symbolisme, "a quarrel of tits" is the best pun
I've read all year.
If you ditch "it grows like a lump in my chest" (I mean, /really/)
you could work up a sonnet, which this is worthy of. The tones and
cast of the sonnet that already sprinkle the piece are not out of
place; that the quarrelsome are titmice, and the pun, put the speaker
well above the event.
--
-------(m+
~/:o)_|
Gresham's Law is not worth a Continental.
http://scrawlmark.org
Rik
<snip>
> Given the context and Symbolisme, "a quarrel of tits" is the best pun
> I've read all year.
>
> If you ditch "it grows like a lump in my chest" (I mean, /really/) you
> could work up a sonnet, which this is worthy of. The tones and cast of
> the sonnet that already sprinkle the piece are not out of place; that
> the quarrelsome are titmice, and the pun, put the speaker well above the
> event.
>
Thanks muchly, Dennis. The lump has now been excised.
Rik, knee deep.
Rik
> Rik --
> I like this a lot. The only small nit is the word "lump,"
> which doesn't carry the feeling of eager, sinister activity
> I read in the rest of the metaphors, but sits there like -well -
> a lump. The last line is a really excellent description of
> your title.
>
> JJ
JJ - many thanks for the comments, which have been taken on board for
the revision, below:
*Gossip*
I heard your news. A quarrel of tits
clamp claws around the sprung twigs
of the sycamore - huffs of warm air
have cracked its buds; so pale,
these new leaves, as they stretch.
The sun plays catch-me with the clouds,
a roil of damp shadows battling
across a pitch of sky. Your news -
flew from mouth to ear by wire and wave,
it sets like bark around memories.
Why do you break us?' creak the buds
to the wind; 'why do you rip us?'
bluster the clouds. Around the twigs
claws dig in, beaks bicker, wings flap.
(rev 2, Dec 07)
Rik, knee deep.
Rik
> Good stuff as always Rik.
>
Many thanks for the compliments - the usual fiver is in the post etc
Rik, knee deep.
J.J.Plum
Rik, this is much improved. You've replaced three lines oriented to
the narrator, which interrupted the otherwise "nature" flow of the
piece, with more winged ones. Perhaps "sets"could be replaced with
a more active verb such as "curls"or such. "Bark" is a good word,
the sound foreshadowing "break" and "creak" in the next line. A
fine poem.
JJ
JJ
>
>
Dennis M. Hammes
Saw. Good stuff.