Message from discussion
Connolly, _White Road_
From: Jennifer Jordan <lovingsh...@cognisurf.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.mystery
Subject: Re: Connolly, _White Road_
Date: Wed, 09 Apr 2003 20:52:15 -0500
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What is woowoo? The sound a train makes. Sucking face? Little pink
poodles trained to walk on their hind feet?
Jen
I found out what woowoo is. It is many, many, many things. Wow.
FIRST:
To be a proper woo-woo, you must follow these rules:
1. Never look for the simplest, most obvious cause of something.
Refrain from mentioning Occam's Razor (it's your nemesis).
2. Always favor the conspiracy angle over the boring angle. Mundane
explanations (like saying that Roswell was a balloon) are for dullards
and government drones. If you want to sleep with that curvaceous
new-age chick, don't tell her you think astrology is bogus! (Non
woo-woos may benefit from that advice temporarily).
3. Don't accept mainstream science unless it's something you've
believed in for years (like gravity).
4. Try to answer as few direct questions as possible. Always obfuscate
and try to sound learned. Mimic Richard Hoagland's style and you'll go
far.
5. Use "what if" scenarios to change the subject whenever possible. If
you linger on one topic too long you may be asked to provide annoying
things like "proof." Don't let that happen! Consult a creationist if
you need practice with subject-changing.
6. If you're cornered and asked for proof of something, always tell
the person that they "can't disprove" your claims. Many of them will
just walk away shaking their heads, which of course means they agree
with you. A side-to-side head shake could be the same as a vertical
nod. Anything is possible, after all.
7. Memorize all the sci-babble terms used in the Star Trek series.
They are very useful if you get cornered by a skeptic, and you need to
come up with some sort of "scientific" explanation. e.g., Inertial
Dampeners. (Thanks to SkepticReport.com for the Star Trek terminology
correction!)
8. When all else fails, start asking hypothetical questions that have
nothing to do with the actual debate. If your opponent chooses to
ignore your pointless questions and remains on topic, repeat your
meaningless question(s) over and over. This will make any Believers in
the audience think that your opponent is evading the issue.
9. Accuse your opponent of being a liar, or try some other tactic
that will (hopefully) make him angry. If he responds in kind to your
endless taunts, change the subject to his anger, and accuse him of
name calling. If he accuses you of provoking him, then you have
changed the subject of the debate. If he stays on topic, keep the heat
up. The Believers in the audience will forgive the worst verbal
attacks you use, but they will think even the mildest replies he makes
to you are personal attacks that undermine his argument.
10. Use the word quantum in a sentence, despite not knowing what it
means. For a more impressive effect, use it with the name of your
favorite superstition - "quantum dowsing" sure sounds mighty serious.
11. Two more words: Paradigm shift.
12. Always claim that the other guy is "closed-minded" and that you're
as free-thinking as a newborn baby. Other woo-woos love the concept of
"open-mindedness" and will take you into their inner circle without
question. They have no tolerance for those "mean old nasty" types who
demand evidence for everything.
13. Drink heavily while posting.
14. You must believe that the word "anomaly" means proof of paranormal
activity.
15. Use the word "anomaly" as often as possible.
16. When your position appears hopeless, your entire audience is
laughing at you, and you've lost all credibility (and perhaps even won
a Kook of the Month) threaten everyone within proximity with a
lawsuit. You don't need to actually prepare a lawsuit, just make the
threat. That will let them know you're a serious person.
17. Go make your own newsgroup with a group charter drawn up to keep
out anyone who doesn't agree with your view of the world. Occasionally
crosspost to other newsgroups from that one, then complain when people
answer your posts, complain to their system administrators that
they're abusing the terms of your newsgroup and demand their accounts
be yanked for abusive spamming. Respond to each answering message with
a duplicate copy of the FAQ for your newsgroup.
18. Open numerous accounts under other names, then post agreeable
responses to your own messages from those accounts. Everybody knows
that the only reason anybody disagrees with you is that they like the
belong to "the group" and have no independent thought of their own.
Just manufacture a group of people who agree with you, and the rest of
the mindless zeebs will fall into line, tripping over each other to
become one of your supporters.
19. Fix the 'reply to' line of any post you make, to direct responses
to your email account - this will automatically mail you a copy of any
response made to your posts on usenet. Send copies of these mails to
the postmasters and sysadmins of anyone who posts a disagreeing answer
to you. Refer to these people as 'internet terrorists' and demand
their accounts be canceled immediately for sending you unwanted email
spam.
20. Refer to anyone who doggedly uncovers your latest little scams,
time after time as "stalkers." Write to their sysadmins and demand
their accounts be removed for net abuse.
21. Remember to occasionally tell your opponents that you've handed
all the information you've collected about them to the local
police/Mounties/FBI who were extremely interested and grateful for the
advance notice of where to find criminals like you. You don't actually
have to collect any information, or send it to anybody, but this will
keep your opponents edgy, and make them paranoid. Mention that the
police/Mounties/FBI are closing in on them, and that their day of
reckoning is just moments away.
22. Refer to anyone who does not immediately agree with you as being
uneducated on the matter, lacking in important information, or just
plain too stupid to understand your magnificent statements.
23. Pretend to write a book. Nothing says "I am beyond reproach" like
having written a book. If asked for an ISBN number, just make
something up. Nobody ever looks at those anyway.
24. Pretend to have a degree. Never let yourself be pinned down to
what kind or where you got it. Just state repeatedly that you have
one, and therefore are superior, and may not be questioned upon any
subject by anyone.
25. Claim that there is no evidence that you are a fraud, kook,
net-abuser, spammer, or liar. Refer to any actual proof of this as
"spinning" or "disinformation." Post messages that the system
administrators of every system your opponents post from are on the
verge of killing their accounts for net-abuse, and that you're going
to set things right, and get rid of all these cynical lying
fact-spinners by sending one final massive complaint against them all.
26. When all else fails.... SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM.....
27. When questioned, be sure to exclaim "They laughed at Galileo,
too!" or perhaps "They laughed at Columbus, until he proved the earth
was round!"
28. Always bear in mind that The Conspiracy Against You can do almost
anything. After all, they've kept those 300 MPG carburetors secret for
years.
29. Keep trotting out the one "respectable" scientist who might
possibly have said something that could be construed as perhaps giving
a hint that it may theoretically support your position. Even better if
said scientist has said it outright. Ignore all complaints that the
work is 50 years out of date, the scientist has no experience in the
field in question or that other experts in the same field think said
scientist is a complete loony (and they can prove it, too).
30. Dig out one reference that supports your position. Complain when
someone presents a reference that refutes yours. Say that this means
they can't think for themselves and your reference proves it. Ignore
all queries on why you hold this hypocritical position.
31. Whenever you read something on the Internet, re-post it as fact.
Never bother to do even basic research into the matter.
32. Be sure to repeatedly spam your petty political rants onto lots of
unrelated, off-topic newsgroups. (Those folks reading
rec.culture.needlepoint are just dying to read about how much you hate
a certain politician!)
33. One word: "Hyperdimensional."
34. When debating, remember that the best technique to "proving" your
hypothesis is to start with a supposition, and when you get to the
third point, refer to the supposition as a "fact". This may cause just
enough initial confusion to let you escape with a momentary triumph.
35. Sock Puppets are very useful. If you can't find a weak-minded soul
who will blindly parrot you in support of your nonsense, create your
own. Then you can refer to your "many" supporters.
36. Quote Einstein, and do so often. Quote things he said if possible,
but Einstein has been dead for ages now and so it's permissible to
bring him up to date. Change the odd word here and there to make it
clear that Einstein would have supported
your argument if only he knew what you know. Act as if any arbitrary
Einstein quote supports your position.
37. Any and all communications problems including satellite failures,
bad phone connections, mysterious messages when dialing known phone
numbers, busy signals when trying to enter the grassy knoll on AOL,
and radios left on during calls must be blamed on the 'Conspiracy'
trying to 'silence the truth'.
38. Use lots of ALL CAPS letters. Use them randomly: "I was posting my
URL in alt.paranormal/alt.astrology. Then I was stopped because A
MAJORITY OF POSTERS, PSEUDO-SKEPTIC RAVING FANATICS SCREAMED ABOUT
IT."
39. Beware the "goodtimes" virus.
40. When all else fails, try to redefine what "skeptical", "skeptic"
and "skepticism" mean so that you become a 'real' skeptic who accepts
your own nonsense at face value.
41. Refer to yourself in the third person.
AND, NOT TO BE OUTDONE:
Woo Woo Cheerleading Camp
AT VSU
"Do you love to dance, chant and do cartwheels? The perhaps this is
the camp for you…
Under the supervision of Camp Director and VSU Woo Woo advisor, Dr.
Paulette Johnson camp participants will learn new cheers and chants;
receive personal enhancement lectures, and instruction on bodybuilding
and image improvement. The emphasis is on age-appropriate learning,
not competition. The VSU varsity cheerleaders will also serve as
primary instructors. Participants are accepted on a first come first
serve basis. Hurry, get your registration in today!
Resident campers and day campers are allowed.
For more information contact:
Dr. Paulette Johnson
AND MORE OF WHAT I WAS THINKING
The WooWoo That Ends The Night
Whoever said ‘Tradition to a dog is once’ was right.
Yup, four-thirty a.m. right on schedule.My "once" happened five days
ago when, God only knows why, I bounced out of bed at four-thirty in
the morning, got all the dogs out for their pee and put the coffee on.
Now I was paying the price for that momentary burst of pre-dawn
enthusiasm. Deaglan was performing his morning song cycle.
"I want to be free! Whooo Whooo Whoooooooo.
It's time for a pee Whooo Whooo Whoooooooo.
Now's the time, if you're so inclined,
to bring me my feed Whooo Whooo Whoooooooo!
It's uncanny.
Every morning. Same time.
I'd best get moving or Deaglan will let go a little squirt to relieve
anxiety, so to speak, retaining the bulk of his discomfiture until he
gets outside. Let me tell you just a squirt to relieve anxiety from an
Irish Wolfhound, does amount to a significant pool of pee and guess
who cleans up. Only needs a couple of paper towels you think?
No way! More like an entire section of the local paper.
So I'm off to do his lordship's bidding. As I opened the crate he
greeted me with thumping tail and his dash for the door. Deaglan's
relieving of the bladder takes a full minute and a half. It's
incredible. I've timed him. That's why I hustle. If I didn’t it would
take more than one paper section, more like a week's subscription, to
fend off the tide of unleashed bladder. Today all is well, however, no
pollutant spills to contend with. First hazard of the day dealt with.
Now you experience the delight of the woowoo that ends the night
AND THE UNINTELLIGBLE
woowoo
woowoo is ancient as the earth itself
woowoo is? read "babes in boyland" to find out
woowoo is trusted by
woowoo is +s
woowoo is a very
woowoo is doch auch n cocktail
woowoo is firmly placed in real world nyc
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