Thus spake TVL's "Nicki," Benjamin E. Bryant:
> The article you posted was brought to my attention by a message via my
> personal e-mail. I was very surprised that you would post it to
> "thousands of machines around the world"...
1000s of machines around the world, eh? Yes, that's where these inncuous
posts go to--1000s of machines around the world for all to read. Methinks
you haven't quite grasp what these Usenet newsgroups are about.
> Actually, it isn't. I am Benjamin Bryant in the flesh
I suppose we're to have known who you were in the first place, and are now
enrapture that you've graced the newsgroup? Yeah, *sure* you're Benjamin
Bryant! Just like that guy who was posting in the NIN newsgroup claiming
to be Reznor. Oh, wait a second...that *was* actually Reznor. But who's
to say you're the bona fide Benjy Bryant? Sheesh.
> and, yes, I have
> contacted Mr. Geffen, Ms. Rice, and Mr. Jordan.
Wow, imagine that--Geffen's, Rice's, and Jordan's assistants all telling
you, "Well, in a sense you have contacted him/her. I mean, you've called
his/her office. May I hang up on you now?" when you telephoned and said,
"I'm fresh out of high school and ready to be in the movies! I truly dig
Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles and was wondering if I could audition for
the role of Nicki in 'The Vampire Lestat' even though there hasn't been a
screenplay written yet and the movie is probably six-to-eight months from
pre-pre-pre-production."
> At first I was disturbed
> that the dubious Ms. Maxey had posted the information on the internet
Oh, mais oui!
> but the outpouring of support I have received from internet users has been
> incredible--I could never have imagined.
Let's see...Ms. Maxey's post is all of but one day old. Outpouring? Try
instead, "I've been checking my e-mail every thirty minutes to see if
anyone's bought this shit...nope, not yet." You and Maxey need to
corroborate your stories/posts. You make it sound as if this has been
going on for a month, much to your -ahem- disdain.
> I would be glad to post my
> response to the original posting of, what I considered private, (the term
> "insider" is humorous to me as I am neither a stock trader nor a spy)
> information on this newsgroup.
The 'original posting' was Maxey's, your response is the one to which I am
dissecting now. And if using the word 'insider' makes you wobble that
bong a little, or shake in your Birkenstocks, say "I have it on good
authority..." instead. This way the accusatory finger isn't pointed
directly at you, but rather at the "source" from which you had been
deriving your "inside information" about already having pretty much
secured the role of Nicki in TVL.
> The only thing I would advise internet users to disregard is my e-mail
> address. (I have already been bombarded with daily transmissions).
This would be a cannonade of one day, correct? To say it betides daily is
to infer that it has happened more than one day. You wouldn't call
"Seinfeld" a daily television program, would you? As for transmissions,
tell me: are you wearing an upended colander on your head with thin whips
of tin foil sticking out of some of its holes?
> I would be glad to answer any questions via this newsgroup.
Or via Maxey's e-mail account. It's strange that you post with this
account and reply to e-mailings via Maxey's account. Perhaps you're one
and the same, no?
> I do exist, and my existence, and any future negotiations with
> Hollywood or anyone else, are not bullshit, they are my business--which,
> last I checked, does not concern you.
Nobody's denying your actuality, Benjy. (In fact, the sum total of your
existence today is that of a freshman with an undelcared major living in
the heart of the campus area.) And if your future "negotiations" with
Hollywood are not my business, nor anyone else for that matter, why then
offer to answer questions through the newsgroup? (What questions could
anybody possibly have?!) Personally, I think the only negotiations you
have cooking with Hollywood is when you decide whether or not to see the
matinee of "Star Trek: Generations" or wait until the 7:30 p.m. showing.