A post of mine from the year 2001:
ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE
My name for English is Munglish.
- Jai Maharaj
Forwarded messages
English is a Crazy Language
By Richard Lederer
July, 1996
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no
egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural
of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse,
2 blice?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend, that you comb through annals of history but
not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same,
while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can
overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot"
and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot
as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only
when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful
carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And
where are all those people who are spring chickens or who
would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which
you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.
How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder
to ascend than to descend? Why it is that a man with hair
on his head has more hair than a man with hairs on his
head; that if you decide to be bad forever, you choose to
be bad for good; and that if you choose to wear only your
left shoe, then your left one is right and your right one
is left? Right?
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of
course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars
are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault,
the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming
or going.
Posted on 8/26/2001 by SAMWolf
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A non-stop flight. Never get on one of these. You'll
never get down.
A hot cup of coffee. Who cares if the cup is hot? Surely
we mean a cup of hot coffee.
Daylight saving time. Not a single second of daylight is
saved by this ploy.
A one-night stand. So who's standing? Similarly, to sleep
with someone.
I'm sure there are a lot more examples.
Posted on 8/26/2001 by SAMWolf
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-To: SAMWolf
Play my axe
Axe my play
Posted on 8/26/2001 by freedom9
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End of forwarded messages
Jai Maharaj, Jyotishi
Om Shanti
> A post of mine from the year 2001:
A post of yours from the year 1993:
"Based on one of mankind's most time-tested sciences, Jyotish,
(no experimentation here!) the India-Pakistan reunification
should occur on our about July 26, 2000 (the date of the final
signing of the pact.)"
From: Jai Maharaj (cy...@cleveland.Freenet.Edu)
Subject: India-Pakistan Unification
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian
Date: 1993-04-18 13:24:50 PST