Roommate Saga-gRAMDie winner
Nikk Pilato
Repost:
Here, yet again, is the gRAMDie-winning story, which is absolutely
true, by the way! I now live with much better people....
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The Roommate Saga
> Subject: Funny Story (well, kinda funny) *long*
> From: pila...@otto.cmr.fsu.edu (Nikk Pilato)
> Date: 1996/01/17
> Organization: Florida State University
> Recipe for Trouble:
>
> 1 fairly quiet-during-the-week-turn-it-loose-on-the-weekend-guy
> who needs his sleep because he has 8AM classes Monday through Friday (that
> would be me)
>
> 1 Roommate from hell, complete with recently moved in girlfriend.
> Preferably, roommate should be white trash, smoke a lot of dope, listen to
> Judas Priest and Overkill at volumes above normal in the wee hours of the
> morning.
>
> 1 barking dog, soon to be dismembered.
>
> Mix all the ingredients in a house.
> Let sit.
> Stand back.
>
> So there I was, lying in bed. It was 5 AM, my alarm was set for
> 6:45 AM. What was I doing up that early, you ask? I'll tell you what I
> was doing..., I was listening to Judas Priest screeching from the living
> room, complete with sing-along (or rather, screech-along) from my
> roommate, Tim. I had not gotten much sleep the night before because Tim's
> shitty little dog had barked most of the night away. Not being able to
> stuff the dog in a blender, I endured it, and slept restlessly.
> But now! Here it was, 5 Am, and all I could hear was "Death to
> your mother as she screws your brother as she puts snot all over his ice
> cream. Yahhh!!!!! Yahh!!!! Urgh!!!" Or something like that.
> So I got up, stormed to the living room and asked him to please "turn that
> shit down". Tim explained to me that since he works nights until about
> 4am and sleeps in the daytime, this is the only time he could listen to
> his music. I explained to him that it was keeping me up. He explained to
> me that this was the only way he could enjoy it. I explained to him that
> I paid rent too, and that I was trying to sleep. He explained to me that
> it wasn't going to be turned down, so deal with it. I explained to him
> that the thing rapidly approaching his face from the left was indeed a
> knuckle sandwich....., or rather, that's what I *should* have done.
> Instead, I went back to my room to examine my own stereo.
>
> Let's see....
> 1 Sony STR-1015 Receiver
> 1 Sony CD Deck
> 2 Yamaha 140 Watt Front Speakers
> 2 Yamaha 60 Watt surround Speakers
> 1 120 Watt Center Channel
> 1 Yamaha 150 Watt Directional Powered Subwoofer
> 1 Yamaha 120 Watt Non-directional Sub
> 1 220 Watt Amplifier
> 1 Copy of the 1993 DCI Finals on CD
>
> The highest volume level I had ever used safely on my system was
> "3", and that was enough to get the windows a-rattlin'. But extreme
> circumstances call for extreme measures....
> With fear in my hand, I put in the 1993 PR show, at the drum solo,
> and I raised the volume to "7". Then, I got back in bed. Not a minute
> later there was a knock at my door.
> "What the hell are you doing" Tim asked.
> "Going to sleep," I said.
>
> Tim tried to compete, but alas! His feeble stereo could only
> muster 40 watts of power. Finally, he waved the white flag and gave up.
> By then, I was ready to get up anyhow, so I guess it had a happy ending,
> right? Wrong! The happy ending comes today when I come home to find Tim
> and his messy girlfriend sleeping and I introduce them to 1988 Madison Scouts.
> I sure do hope they enjoy it.
> Anyway, that just goes to show you the power of drum corps.
>
> Nikk Pilato
>
> PS. Anyone need a new roommate?
> Subject: A Funny Story, continued...;(
> From: pila...@otto.cmr.fsu.edu (Nikk Pilato)
> Date: 1996/02/07
> Organization: Florida State University
> A few of you might remember my story a few weeks back about the
> problem I had with my roommate, concerning the loud music he would play at
> five in the AM....well, there's a follow-up.
> **Warning** This has nothing to do with corps..., it is simply a funny
> story, a way of letting off steam, and besides, I can't find a newsgroup
> about people who have murderous dreams about their roommates (although I'm
> told there is one!)
>
> Beside the problem with the noise, Tim (the evil roommate) was the
> definition of white trash. He was in the Funk and Wagnalls dictionary
> under white trash (I pasted his picture in there with glue). He is messy,
> slovenly, and obnoxious. When I came home from winter break, the bathroom
> was a hog sty in August...the toilet hadn't been flushed, the dog's hairs
> were all over the floor, and the tub was black! You probably think "He
> means dark" or "He means dirty"...No! I mean black! It was black with dirt!
> Aside from that, there was the small matter of a bottle of whiskey (a
> present from my friends back home) that was missing in action from my
> room. As well as a few other things. Well, the loud music was the straw
> that broke the dromedary's back. We told him that he had a month to get
> out..., and he is. He is out by tonight (or his shit ends up on the street).
> But oh no, dear friends. There is no end to the horror...
> Saturday night, I was supposed to go out with my friend Stephanie,
> but she's had bronchitis (I feel bad, I think I gave it to her) so I told
> her to stay home and sleep, and I would stay home too. About 9PM, I got
> bored, so I decided to go the living room and borrow one of the movies
> that my roommate has in our entertainment center. I figured, that
> dunghead always "borrows" my movies, I think it's only fair. Besides,
> *I'll* return my "borrowings". So, the only halfway decent thing was
> "Hard To Kill", with Steven Seagal. I thought "Cool, I haven't seen this
> flick in a good long time (and that Kelly LeBrock is a hottie)"
> So, I popped it in, grabbed my cookies and my beer , and settled
> down. Did I mention I own a camcorder? No? Well, remember that part.
> So I start to watch "Difficult to Dismember" AKA "Hard to Kill", when all
> of a sudden, there is snow on the screen. Then, there is a view of my
> living room. In the center of the screen, a hand is holding up a paper
> notebook with the words "HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS" on it. Another hand
> reaches out and flips the page. The next page reads "A FILM DIRECTED BY
> TIM SARKISIAN"- my roommate. Then, there is a shot of his fat, atrocious,
> disgusting, erection-defeating, stomach-churning, high-blood pressure
> activating, and otherwise hideous girlfriend, standing in front of the
> camera wearing a towel. I felt sick, but just as soon as that happened,
> the tape popped back into "Hard to Kill".
> "Whew!" I thought to myself. "They didn't have the guts to do it"
> So I reached over for my beer and my cookies, and when I looked back at
> the screen, I saw something I'll take to the grave. I saw the beast (see
> above) standing in all her naked wretchedness, gyrating in front of the
> camera! Momentarily blinded, I dropped my beer and madly scrambled for
> the remote to stop it. It dawned on me that they had come into my room
> and used my camcorder to do that. I fast-forwarded to see when the
> debacle would end, but everytime I stopped quickly to see if the carnage
> was over, they were doing something else. I never stayed more than a
> fraction of a second on any given stop, but I saw some of the most
> disgusting sights in those quick peeks. Consider it the Reader's Digest
> condensed version of "Two People Who Should Not Be Doing This" Toward the
> very end, I stopped at a frame that totally ruined my month. It was a
> shot of them in my room, on my waterbed. I couldn't even press the stop
> button, I was so stunned by the flagrant lack of respect. Tim was tied to
> my bedpost with something. Upon further examination, it turned out to be
> my ties. My *good* ties.
> I had expected to see "Hard To Kill", not "Hard to Thrill". This
> shit went on for two hours, the length of the tape! No wonder my battery
> is completely dead! I had thought it was just old!
> When I saw them again, I told them that if I ever caught them in
> my room again, I'd kill them (I was a bit upset). Tim started to push me
> around (why is it that people think that because you don't look tough, you
> won't fight?) I warned him, not once, but twice that I was about to live
> my fantasy of decking him and putting him on his tuckus. He swung at me.
> Ten years of martial arts took over and I grabbed his arm, flipped him
> over, and hit him in the face. I felt sick inside. I hated him, but it
> never feels good to fight. He got up again, and I had to take him down
> again. His fat bitch threw a lamp (my damn lamp, too, wouldn't you know?)
> that hit me in the jaw cutting me slightly. I went down rather hard, and
> I guess they must have gotten scared, because they left quickly. This
> morning when I woke up to go to school, their stuff was packed and ready
> to go. Okay, maybe in the end the story did not turn out funny, but you
> gotta admit, those two are in the top ten of the worst roommates ever.
> Gotta go...having my locks changed today! If you stuck with me thru this
> story, thanks. This is a hell of an experience. Remind me to start
> screening my prospective roommates!!
>
> Painfully yours,
> Nikk Pilato
> Phantom Regiment 1991-1994
> Conductor 1994
> Subject: End of the Roommate Saga: Episode IV, A New Hope
> From: pila...@otto.cmr.fsu.edu (Nikk Pilato)
> Date: 1996/02/20
> Organization: Florida State University
> Yesterday, I found out that my old rommate, the one that I've
> written about in here before, was arrested trying to break into our house.
> He is being held without bail, and boy did I have fun going down to the
> county jail to identify him. Not only did they get him on the "breaking
> and entering", they also got him for a probation violation, and apparently
> he was stoned at the time too...guess what they found on his person? You
> got it, the magic weed. Farewell, dear Tim. Hope you have fun in those
> roomy southern cells with boys like Bubba, Beauford, and Jim Bob to keep
> you company.