The IF Chive (&), 1-2
J. D. Berry
Volume 1, Edition 2
##
IF Council-2050 Convenes, Realistic NPCs Demanded
(CapeTown, South-SouthWestAfrica)
Inside the Coca-Cola-Mandela-TableMountain Dome, heads of IF met for the
third consecutive day. Outside, demonstrators were described as
"boisterous but peaceful" by local police. And of the many critical IF
issues to be addressed, the demand on everyone's list was "better NPCs."
"We've taken great strides since 2040," stated IF-Council chair Natasha
Opansky. "We've gotten rid of vaguely dissatisfying open-ended games.
We've returned to second person singular. We've even managed to
eliminate the search command--something nobody thought was possible five
years ago. So, I urge players to bear with us. Achieving realistic
NPCs is a treacherous and complicated task indeed. But I think we're
getting there, one step at a time."
Demonstrators, while ever hopeful, were not as convinced. "We've been
hearing about this so-called progress for years. Falogian!" swore IF
player and sign carrier Mick Smith. "Last time I looked, NPCs were still
performing obviously random and ultimately unconvincing acts two lines
underneath each story paragraph. It's time to admit ultrarealisticagenda.h
just ain't cutting it."
Fellow demonstrator Karen Mbiki-Clark agreed. "C'mon now. We've seen
the possibilities in some of the past great games--'Leaving Sagittarius',
'The Grape Boy', 'D'. So the question isn't 'if' but 'when?' Hell,
there's more interaction with 20th-century NPCs than what I've seen from
recent offerings."
A demonstrator raises a fist and shouts, "What do we want?"
Other demonstrators shout, "Realistic NPCs!"
A demonstrator shouts, "When do we want them?"
Other demonstrators shout, "Now!"
Today, demonstrators resorted to outright mocking. An effigy of Ms.
Opansky was shown an Uzi-299000T, a letter from her presumed-dead lover,
an artifact of Moses and the cure for cancer. The effigy didn't appear
interested.
There are two sessions remaining, and the council adjourns tomorrow.
Findings will not be released until later this year. Until then, there's
only waiting. Something with which IF players are all too familiar.
(Reuters)
##
Palm-pilot IF-player fails to attract woman on subway train.
##
A transcript of "Ad Verbum" played by a complete idiot
Neat Nursery
Nice, nondescript nursery, noticeably neat. Normally, nurslings nestle
noisily. Now, none. No needful, naive newborns.
Nearby: ... nifty nappy.
> *
No ... notation nonsuitable.
> $
No ... notation nonsuitable.
> (+ 2)
No ... notation nonsuitable.
> [Accidental double-click of Excel icon]
[Cell A1] *
[Cell B1] $
[Autosum button]
[Powerstrip button kicked]
##
IF-player agrees. She really did have a thing for spring.
##
Local teen bags cavern game
Lonny Harrison, would-be creator of the next great text-adventure, has
decided after considered deliberation that he will have to "bag" his
much-anticipated cavern game.
"I got home and started right in on the coding," explained Harrison.
"But then Rick called and wanted me to come over to watch pro-wrestling.
By the time I returned, I was pretty tired. The next morning I decided
that, while it was a cool idea, the game would be too much work. So I
bagged it."
Harrison has not, however, ruled out future efforts. "There's a space
game I've been thinking of doing. This one will be realistic and fun,
not like most of the shit out there now."
##
Damned time-machine continues to send player to unexpected places
##
IF-Biathlon scheduled as Olympic trial event
Cross-country skiing. Physically demanding, cold, often with miserable
winds.
Interactive fiction. Intellectually frustrating, warm, often with
delicious snacks.
Each a challenge unto itself.
But what if they were combined into one grueling event? That's right.
Ski until you're ready to drop... into a Thomasville(r) (Unofficial
sponsor of the Winter Olympics)
(http://www3.thomasville.com/Products/product.asp?ItemID=510)
desk chair. Whereupon you must read long room descriptions, deal with
unclear motives and suffer horrible puns. If you complete the first
scenario, you're off and skiing again.
Brutal doesn't begin to describe this event. Torturous does begin to
describe it. Insane pretty much nails it.
"Try guessing a verb with a pulse rate of 130. Then, after your brain
is mush from metaphor, duck-walk up a 30-degree incline for 5 km. It
takes a dedicated, if not strange, person!" says prospective medalist
Randy Reed, 27, Ontario.
An Athlete/Gamer--once the ultimate oxymoron--will certainly have
training issues to address. If she spends too much time reading
paragraphs carefully, her legs will give out in a headwind down the
stretch. If she spends all her time working the quads, her patience
will wear out trying to find the last stupid point. A delicate
balance must be found.
We'll see who found the perfect balance in Salt Lake City, 2002. IF-
Biathlon has been designated a trial sport. "It's no worse than
synchronized swimming," shrugged one of the committee members.
##
IF-Comp 2001 to be decided by world electoral college
Canada, Portugal, Maldives considered key swing-countries.
##
Soul crushed by negative reviews, community sued
Still reeling from negative reviews posted on a newsgroup in the
mid-1990s, Author 'X' has decided to take matters into his own
"ham-hands." Call it "cliche", call it "overly-dramatic", but he
plans to hire an attorney to sue the entire IF-community for the
distress of his very soul.
According to X, the only thing readers can expect to find
"tacked-on" is a summons to their doors. That will be no "lame
attempt at humor", he can assure you. The judge's gavel
should finally and "fully convince" you. Justice will be
"linear." Mercy will be "unresponsive."
"Cruel irony indeed when the summons is written with grave
grammatical errors and frequent mis-uses of it's and hyphens.
And when delivered by a cardboard postman, so much the sweeter."
Thus said X through clenched teeth. "Be sure to leave a blank
line after your signature."
No court dates have been set. But mark his words. And not with
blue-pencil, but with fear.
--
JDB
OKB -- not okblacke
> A demonstrator raises a fist and shouts, "What do we want?"
> Other demonstrators shout, "Realistic NPCs!"
>
> A demonstrator shouts, "When do we want them?"
> Other demonstrators shout, "Now!"
The revolution is alive!
>IF-Comp 2001 to be decided by world electoral college
>
>Canada, Portugal, Maldives considered key swing-countries.
They'd better get cracking.
>No court dates have been set. But mark his words. And not with
>blue-pencil, but with fear.
Starting a sentence with a conjunction is a questionable practice.
The post to which I am replying is hilarious.
--OKB (Bren...@aol.com) -- no relation to okblacke
"Do not follow where the path may lead;
go, instead, where there is no path, and leave a trail."
--Author Unknown
Martin Julian DeMello
:
: Today, demonstrators resorted to outright mocking. An effigy of Ms.
: Opansky was shown an Uzi-299000T, a letter from her presumed-dead lover,
: an artifact of Moses and the cure for cancer. The effigy didn't appear
: interested.
ROTFLMAO!
--
Martin DeMello