[writing] writing advice
Fortytwo
didn't like the lack of an engaging plot, or they didn't like my
writing, or both.
I think I can work on coming up with a good plot. But, I guess I need
some advice on how to improve my writing.
I just wrote the following introduction to a game. I would very much
appreciate it if people would respond to this message with comments on
how I can improve this text:
It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport. The birds are not singing
and the grass is not green because it is freaking cold out and the
ground is covered in snow that reaches up to your knees. Leaving your
toasty warm home is not something you enjoy, but it is your job to
deliver the mail no matter what the weather. The old cliche "neither
wind, nor rain, nor sleeting snow shall keep a postal worker from his
appointed rounds" applies as a general sentiment, but a pedant will
point out that it does not rain or sleet here. The forecast is always
snow or wind or cold or some combination of those three.
In fact, weather isn't really the biggest concern. A better motto might
be "neither snow, nor cold, nor shaking earth will keep a postal worker
from his appointed rounds." Earthquakes aren't weather, but they seem to
be just as unpredictable, and they cause lots of problems. Most homes
are battle hardened, so property damage is rarely an issue. But
earthquakes plus snow equals travel difficulties. All roads out of town
are blocked and can't be cleared fast enough to allow travel. As a
result, travel into and out of town is primarily accomplished via an
airplane. There's a plane that comes in once a month with supplies.
Anyone who wants in or out can hitch a ride with it for a small fee.
But even that isn't a big concern. You are not a traveler. You are a
postal delivery person whose drive in life is to deliver the mail. The
job is tough, but you feel great pride in doing it. You always get the
mail delivered no matter what it takes. You have, in the past, had to do
things like use tranquilizer darts on dogs so that you could get near
the mailboxes. It's rare, but sometimes it needs to be done.
Today presents a new challenge. Trevor Samson, a gruff irritable fellow,
got into a fight with his wife last week and ended up deciding to go
live like a hermit for a while. He filed a form to have his mail
forwarded to his new address. Unfortunately for you, the new address is
a cave several miles out of town. The cave is a hole in the base of a
narrow cliff which, due to the snowstorm last night, is now snowed in.
The snow trucks can't get to it and air travel to the cave isn't
possible unless you want to just air drop the mail down into the ravine.
You are a perfectionist and doing something like that is just too risky.
The mail would likely end up caught in a tree or land on a ledge.
No, there is a lonely man living in a cave who needs his mail and you
are the one who is going to get it to him.
Andrew Plotkin
paragraphs as the actual game intro: "Today presents a new
challenge...."
Then have the rest of the material show up, piecewise, as commentary
during the first few scenes. "It's yet another beautiful day in
Davenport...." is the start of the first room description.
Explanations about the snow, the earthquakes, the monthly airplane can
appear as the player comes across relevant scenery.
(No idea what the scenery relevant to a monthly airplane would be. :)
--Z
"And Aholibamah bare Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah: these were the borogoves..."
*
I'm still thinking about what to put in this space.
Fortytwo
> Too long for an intro. I'd break it up. Maybe have just the last two
> paragraphs as the actual game intro: "Today presents a new
> challenge...."
>
> Then have the rest of the material show up, piecewise, as commentary
> during the first few scenes. "It's yet another beautiful day in
> Davenport...." is the start of the first room description.
> Explanations about the snow, the earthquakes, the monthly airplane can
> appear as the player comes across relevant scenery.
I like that approach. It turns a monologue into an experience.
How about my actual writing? Does it flow nicely or does it feel forced?
Do I use too many commas? Are the sentences too short or too long? One
commentator said that my writing in "I Must Play" was rushed and choppy
and that the sentences were too short. (It's possible that that is just
the way that I talk, so I'm not sure if that's a valid criticism or a
stylistic disagreement.)
> (No idea what the scenery relevant to a monthly airplane would be. :)
Hmm. I suppose a small airstrip or a broken air drop crate or a TV
commercial for Clear Skies Airlines would do the trick.
Fred the Wonder Worm
In article <419ae6e4$1...@127.0.0.1>, Fortytwo <news2@g42DOTorg> wrote:
>
> I just wrote the following introduction to a game. I would very much
> appreciate it if people would respond to this message with comments on
> how I can improve this text:
It seems a bit long, although as its only an introduction you might
be able to get away with it. It's likely to turn a few people off,
at any rate. Better might be to put some of this in the game proper,
as incidental comments on the first few moves. The whole second
paragraph, for instance, could be an aside prompted by a news report
(newspaper, radio, TV, whatever) about the recent earthquake, and
shoehorning this to happen after the first move should be trivial.
Similarly, the last two paragraphs describing the specific goal
(delivering Trevor's mail) and difficulties could be displayed in
response to the first sight of the mail in question.
So, a possible modified scenario might be:
* Introduction (paragraphs 1 and 3, changed as needed)
* Starting location (postal office), sorting the mail with a
co-worker. Limited actions (no leaving the location until the
mail is sorted, for instance). Desultory conversation ensues
(first turn, a comment about earthquakes triggers the infodump).
Shortly thereafter, sorting finishes, with co-worker assigned
to handle the mundane mail and you assigned to deliver to Trevor
(trigger Trevor infodump).
* Game proper starts (actions no longer limited).
As to the text itself, I was quite happy with it (other than
length), with the following two exceptions:
> You have, in the past, had to do things like use tranquilizer
> darts on dogs so that you could get near the mailboxes.
[...]
> You are a perfectionist and doing something like that is just too risky.
Both these sentences struck a discordant note when I was reading
through the text. I think the culprit in the first is the
fragment "do things like use", but I am not sure how I would
end up changing it. Perhaps someone more literate than I am
would have a better suggestion.
The issue with the second was the flat assertion about me being
a perfectionist. While this may be true :), it felt odd somehow.
I might rewrite it (and the next line) as:
However, the risk of the mail ending up caught in a tree or stuck
on a ledge is just too great for a perfectionist like yourself.
Cheers,
Geoff.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geoff Bailey (Fred the Wonder Worm) | Programmer by trade --
ft...@maths.usyd.edu.au | Gameplayer by vocation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.D. Dollahite
too long for an intro. As a general rule of thumb, try not to spit out more
than a screenfull of text without stopping for input. (You can get away with
maybe two screenfulls in the intro, and three or four in the ending.)
Separating it out into descriptions will also serve to develop the main
character, as it would then come across as the thoughts and memories s/he
associates with those scenes, even though it is written in the narrator's
voice.
It also bothered me that the very first word I read was a contraction. Writing
classes will tell you never to use contractions at all in formal writing; I'd
consider IF semi-formal, and say that contractions are OK when the flow of text
is already established, but don't start a paragraph with one.
>> You have, in the past, had to do things like use tranquilizer
>> darts on dogs so that you could get near the mailboxes.
>I think the culprit in the first is the
>fragment "do things like use", but I am not sure how I would
>end up changing it. Perhaps someone more literate than I am
>would have a better suggestion.
I agree with this (and the other comment about the assertion). In line with
the suggestion of breaking it up, I would tack a sentence like this onto a
description of a tranquilizer gun:
"You have been forced to use this from time to time on dogs that were defending
their family's mailboxes from you."
(Incidentally, I'd be pretty ticked if a mailman used a tranquilizer gun on my
family pet just to deliver the mail. That could become an element in the story
-- perhaps some people in town think the mailman is a little *too* obsessed
with delivering the mail.)
samwyse
> Judging from reviews of "I Must Play", it seems that people either
> didn't like the lack of an engaging plot, or they didn't like my
> writing, or both.
>
> I think I can work on coming up with a good plot. But, I guess I need
> some advice on how to improve my writing.
Read this and try to avoid doing the bad stuff. ;-)
http://www.thewritecourse.com/write/Resources/turkcity.htm
René Torenstra
Nice site.
René Torenstra
--
"What is your age, Mr. Heisenberg?"
"I can't say with any certainty. But Mister is probably correct, although
you never can be sure about that, either."
Remove 2nd and 3rd _ for mail.
http://home.wanadoo.nl/r.torenstra
Glenn P.,
Three words: "It's Too Long."
It is also too wordy. You are trying to Sound Fancy, and it shows. Take a
Ruthless Editor's pencil to it! :(
--_____ _____
{~._.~} * >> [ "Glenn P.," <C128UserD...@FVI.Net> ] << * {~._.~}
_( Y )_ /| ----------------------------------------- |\ _( Y )_
(:_~*~_:) \| "DOOM SLIDE: Will You Be The One To Slide Forever?" |/ (:_~*~_:)
(_)-(_) * --STINE, R. L.: "One Day At HorrorLand" * (_)-(_)
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D. R. Porterfield
>
> How about my actual writing? Does it flow nicely or does it feel forced?
> Do I use too many commas? Are the sentences too short or too long?
The best advice I can offer is to not be too self-conscious with your
writing. Write in a way that feels natural to you, and it will feel
natural to your readers also. This applies to all writing, not just
IF.
Comma use, in many cases, is just a matter of personal style (although
comma splices and run-on sentences should be scrupulously avoided).
Varying sentence length usually helps the flow of the work, and can be
used effectively as a literary device.
Just my two cents,
-- David
Rikard Peterson
@posting.google.com:
> (although comma splices and run-on sentences should be
> scrupulously avoided)
I've seen those two things mentioned a couple of times in the comp
reviews now (and before that, too) but I don't know what it means.
Would someone care to enlighten me (and perhaps point me to a web site
or even a book dealing with the subject)?
Rikard
Michael Chapman Martin
> I've seen those two things mentioned a couple of times in the comp
> reviews now (and before that, too) but I don't know what it means.
> Would someone care to enlighten me (and perhaps point me to a web site
> or even a book dealing with the subject)?
A run-on sentence is one in which too many clauses are put together it
is really multiple sentences with no intervening punctuation. Like that.
A coma splice is rather more common, it is when a comma is used to
separate complete sentences instead of a period. Like that.
--Michael
Greg Ewing
> It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport. The birds are not singing
> and the grass is not green because it is freaking cold out and the
> ground is covered in snow that reaches up to your knees. Leaving your
> toasty warm home is not something you enjoy,
As well as being too long, as others have pointed out,
I'd like to add that it's also far too dull for an
introduction. "It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport."
Ho hum. So what? The sarcasm revealed in the next sentence
helps a bit, but not much -- if the reader even gets that
far.
The introduction needs to grab the player's attention right
from the start, hook him in, and make him want to carry
on. For that, you need to find the most interesting idea,
put that first, and convey it using sentences that are
short and to the point.
If I were to rewrite this, I think I would start with
the quote:
"Neither wind, nor rain, nor sleeting snow shall
keep a postal worker from his appointed rounds..."
At least you don't get much rain or sleet here, just
cold and wind and snow. Lots of snow. And earthquakes.
Okay, so earthquakes aren't exactly weather, but they're
something else you have to contend with.
The quote instantly conjures up an image of heroic battle
against adversity, and gives a taste of what sort of things
you might encounter during the game. Then you're given a concise
and evocative summary of the prevailing weather conditions, with
something unexpected thrown in -- earthquakes! This raises the
player's interest even more, since it hints at what might make
this game different from just a straight quest to deliver the
mail.
You could perhaps add one more paragraph in similar style,
and that would be enough for an introduction, I think. The
rest of the exposition could be revealed during subsequent
gameplay.
Hope that gives you some ideas,
--
Greg Ewing, Computer Science Dept,
University of Canterbury,
Christchurch, New Zealand
http://www.cosc.canterbury.ac.nz/~greg
Valjean
"Michael Chapman Martin" <mcma...@Stanford.EDU> wrote in message
news:cngoqq$n27$1...@news.Stanford.EDU...
My English teacher used to nag about commas constantly. He used to
mark my essays with NUAC in the margin which stood for
Never Use A Comma (where a full stop is possible).
Not that I took any notice.
Val
jlgij...@planet.nl
> I just wrote the following introduction to a game. I would very
> much appreciate it if people would respond to this message with
> comments on how I can improve this text:
Can't say I'm a great writer myself, but I did notice something odd.
I'll try to describe what I'm thinking about the scene on reading the
first few sentences.
> It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport.
Oh, okay, it's a beautiful day. Nice, sunny, warm, etc.
> The birds are not singing and the grass is not green because it is
> freaking cold out and the ground is covered in snow that reaches
> up to your knees.
Huh? Oh, I guess that first sentence was ironic. Should I've picked up
on that? I don't know how, so rather than being funny, this makes the
scene feel inconsistent.
Also, the ground is covered in snow and it reaches up to my knees? When
I see "covered", I think of maybe 10 centimeters of snow. Unless our
hero is a gnome (though I can't rule that out at this point of the
game ;), I don't suppose that gets up to his knees.
> Leaving your toasty warm home is not something you enjoy, but it
> is your job to deliver the mail no matter what the weather.
Ah, I'm a mailman. But you were just talking about the weather. Why are
you telling me this now?
To summarize: you tell me some things, but they feel kind of unrelated
and inconsistent. It doesn't feel like you really know what you want to
say.
Well, hope this helps a bit.
Cheers,
Johannes
P.S.:
> The old cliche "neither wind, nor rain, nor sleeting snow shall
> keep a postal worker from his appointed rounds" applies as a
> general sentiment, but a pedant will point out that it does not
> rain or sleet here. The forecast is always snow or wind or cold or
> some combination of those three.
Love this, but maybe you could try the narrator say the last sentence
pretending he is a pedant: "Rather, the forecast is always snow, wind
or
cold or some combination of those three.".
samwyse
> samwyse chiseled on that clay tablet called Usenet:
>
>>On or about 11/16/2004 11:50 PM, Fortytwo did proclaim:
>>
>>>Judging from reviews of "I Must Play", it seems that people either
>>>didn't like the lack of an engaging plot, or they didn't like my
>>>writing, or both.
>>>
>>>I think I can work on coming up with a good plot. But, I guess I need
>>>some advice on how to improve my writing.
>>
>>Read this and try to avoid doing the bad stuff. ;-)
>>
>>http://www.thewritecourse.com/write/Resources/turkcity.htm
>
> Nice site.
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22Turkey+City+Lexicon%22 turns up lots
of copies, and not a few variations. I just chose one that looked nice
in my browser. I'll admit that everytime I read it, I have to go back
and re-edit something that I just wrote.
Victor Gijsbers
Does that make two Dutch Gijsbers-en on this small news-group?
Incredible. :)
Victor Gijsbers
Rikard Peterson
Ok, thanks. That doesn't seem so dangerous (by which I mean that it's
not something I'd be likely to do). The words are still the same, but
with missing punctuation. It looks strange.
Rikard
Max
"Rikard Peterson" <trumg...@bigfoot.com> wrote in message
news:Xns95A5A12C97D3Etr...@127.0.0.1...
> [comma splice]
>
> Ok, thanks. That doesn't seem so dangerous (by which I mean that it's
> not something I'd be likely to do). The words are still the same, but
> with missing punctuation. It looks strange.
>
Of course it looks strange. Who would think of joining co-ordinate clauses
with a comma.
Just about everybody, unfortunately.
--Max
(who can fall in love with a girl for knowing what a comma splice and
a past participle are)
Max
"M.D. Dollahite" <ryu...@aol.comNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:20041117031853...@mb-m15.aol.com...
> I agree that most of this belongs in room and object descriptions. It's
much
> too long for an intro. As a general rule of thumb, try not to spit out
more
> than a screenfull of text without stopping for input. (You can get away
with
> maybe two screenfulls in the intro, and three or four in the ending.)
>
Really? Maybe you use a smaller font than me.
I can read 300 pages without getting bored. But then it _has_ to be
written brilliantly, sparkingly, and catchily. Try: Harry Potter; To Kill
A Mockingbird. I was captured by the beginning of Michael Cunningham's
A Home At The End Of The World, but I'm not sure everybody in the IF
community would be. (In case you're wondering, I'm saying that novels
don't wait for input, so write like a novel).
--Max
Andrew Plotkin
If you want to write like the reader won't be inputting anything,
you should *write* a novel. If you're writing IF, use the
techniques which interactivity makes possible.
Fortytwo
>>It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport.
>
> Oh, okay, it's a beautiful day. Nice, sunny, warm, etc.
>
>>The birds are not singing and the grass is not green because it is
>>freaking cold out and the ground is covered in snow that reaches
>>up to your knees.
>
> Huh? Oh, I guess that first sentence was ironic. Should I've picked up
> on that? I don't know how, so rather than being funny, this makes the
> scene feel inconsistent.
I'm a big fan of Douglas Adams and have tried to learn from his writing.
He says things like that all the time. He describes spaceships as large
golden slabs that hang in the air in much the same way as bricks don't.
Specifically, I wrote it to set up one expectation and then surprise the
reader with the alternative. I don't know how well it works.
> Also, the ground is covered in snow and it reaches up to my knees? When
> I see "covered", I think of maybe 10 centimeters of snow. Unless our
> hero is a gnome (though I can't rule that out at this point of the
> game ;), I don't suppose that gets up to his knees.
How would I describe snow up to the knees? Perhaps "the ground in
blanketed in snow up to your knees"?
>>Leaving your toasty warm home is not something you enjoy, but it
>>is your job to deliver the mail no matter what the weather.
>
> Ah, I'm a mailman. But you were just talking about the weather. Why are
> you telling me this now?
>
> To summarize: you tell me some things, but they feel kind of unrelated
> and inconsistent. It doesn't feel like you really know what you want to
> say.
Many replies to that message have recommended that I split that intro
up. That should solve any feeling of unrelatedness by having each part
only brought up for specific reasons.
Jay Goemmer
"Fortytwo" <news2@g42DOTorg> wrote in message news:419ae6e4$1...@127.0.0.1...
> I just wrote the following introduction to a game. I would very much
> appreciate it if people would respond to this message with comments on how
> I can improve this text:
>
>
> It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport. The birds are not singing and
> the grass is not green because it is freaking cold out and the ground is
> covered in snow that reaches up to your knees.
Contractions ("aren't," "isn't," "don't") are your friends. They make your
writing more conversational.
I'd recommend reading your writing out loud to yourself, and to possibly a
kind but objective listener.
If you stumble across a phrase or it sounds really wierd... fix it so it
sounds smoother.
Go to work! ;-D
Cheers,
--Jay Goemmer
(Radio announcer for 18 years, TV reporter for 4 years next week)
Poster
> "Fortytwo" <news2@g42DOTorg> wrote in message news:419ae6e4$1...@127.0.0.1...
>
>>I just wrote the following introduction to a game. I would very much
>>appreciate it if people would respond to this message with comments on how
>>I can improve this text:
>>
>>
>>It's yet another beautiful day in Davenport. The birds are not singing and
>>the grass is not green because it is freaking cold out and the ground is
>>covered in snow that reaches up to your knees.
>
Well, assuming that your narrator, tone, and audience are as they say
"spot on", then all that's left is the actual diction. I second what Jay
suggests. For a sarcastic hipster narrator, contractions are first
nature. To wit:
"It was yet >another< beautiful day in Davenport. The usual signs of
spring hadn't shown up yet if they were ever going to. Just like
everything else in this rotten town, they were late or never happened.
Birds? Nope. Grass? Maybe if you dug six feet down, because all you can
see is snow -- snow for miles around -- slushy, sticky, worthless snow
up to your knees."
That's rough of course, but I wouldn't shy away from mining the
narrator's angst as long as you don't lose the plot in the description. :)
~Poster