how to Win at Modern Art
mdeli
No artistic skill necessary.
You too can be a winner like a few megabuck Abstract Expressionists.
But remember, chances are slim. So don't bet everything on it. If you
don't make it within a few years switch to something that pays like
plumbing.
Winners become part of the stable in high priced Artzy Fartzy gallery.
Here the richy clientele buys what the gallery owner tells them to
buy. Either move to N.Y. or go to university.
If its university
-Make sure you go to a University that has winner profs that make BIG
MONEY selling Modern Academic abstractions in major cities (this is
hard to find).
-Check that their names are often mentioned in artzy magazines for at
least five years running.
- Cultivate personal friendship with winner profs and find out how
they do their business.
-Don't worry about drawing, technique, craft. What counts are original
ideas and the ability to accomplish them before some other idiot beats
you to it. Weld together 200 toilet seats or make a 100 foot American
flag out of interlocking beer cans, make a football player's jock that
could fit the Statue of Liberty etc. ---Think big its in fashion.
-Learn a bit of carpentry and business administration. Knowledge in
the building trades will serve you better than painting and drawing
etc.
-Sit in on art history courses. Here you will learn to drop important
names, get a handle on Artspeak and earn to concoct artzy theories.
Don't bother taking this for credit if you can avoid it. Always avoid
courses where you can just sneak into lectures. Save money. No one
needs university credit in this field.
- Keep an eye out for the kinky ideas of other students and try to get
them to N.Y. before they do.
-Don't waste time with loser profs.
- Go to New York as soon as you can. There's no need to graduate. No
one gives a shit about an art diploma except academics. What counts in
this lottery is connections, your personal attributes and lastly your
work.
How to spot a loser prof:
- His work can only be seen in the local vicinity. He only exhibits
his abstractions in his home town or his university.
-He has to fill his gallery openings with his students, relatives and
loser profs.
-He has to jury local shows.
-If he did manage to make it to a museum check whether his work spends
most of its time in the museum basement or ends up in the museum loan
program?
-If the guy exhibits the above traits he's just another local yokel
with a good academic job. Nothing to gain here.
If its New York.
-Its best to have lots of money before you start. Get a funky loft
etc.
- Find out who is important. Connections and PR are everything. No one
will listen to your theories without proper connections.
- Try to find out where winner artists hang out. Don't tell them your
theories but always agree with theirs. Get to know them. Ply them for
information and always remember that everyone is also trying that.
- Parties are very important get to go to them and try to give them.
- Cultivate a distinct artzy fartzy manner that is momentarily in
fashion. It should become apparent if you manage to hang out in the
right places
- Always condescend to the whims of the powerful.
Personal traits
- You must be both exceedingly polite, charming and out-going.
-Learn to drink.
-Get a clever Anglo type name.
-Dress neatly with a touch of eccentricity. Never look like a Bohemian
slob, unhealthy, or impoverished, its out of fashion at the moment.
-Always give influential artzy fartzys something to talk about. If
they just want to discuss the drinks you served at your opening your
on the road to failure.
- Cultivate a unique manner of speaking. In men a low octave voice is
very helpful. Drop down an octave or two it makes you sound
businesslike and reassures moneymavins that you are producing value
and future profit.
- Many richys are frustrated people who passionately want their
personal opinions taken seriously.
- Hint at cryptic theories. Try to sound intellectual and hip at the
same time.
- Make sure that no on quite understands what you are talking about.
-Never speak clearly.
- Peruse the dictionary for a few, (not too many) abstruse words and
use these frequently. Make sure that the competition is not using
these words.
-Try to invent aphorisms that sound profound but lack enough meaning
so that others get the opportunity to theorize and explain what it is
that you really mean. Remember, everyone wants to seem creative and
add his two cents to the game.
- If you are not sexy looking your chances of success are drastically
reduced.
-Be subtly aggressive. The powerful are usually very insecure and must
never feel directly challenged.
Your work
- It is best to work in an eccentric medium. Ordinary paint and canvas
are a bit outdated and will greatly lower your chances.
- always produce BIGGER work than anyone you imitate.
- It is imperative that your work looks like a unique put-on. This
gives those who wield power something to talk and theorize about. Your
work should make everyone who sees it feel an urge to explain your
version of the inscrutable to others.
-Artzy fartzy collectors are into fashionable investment. Always be
aware that most rich patrons must feel that their purchases are
expensive and have great investment potential. Today fashionable
Modern Art has nothing to do with artistic merit. It must be costly
and have a signature recognizable by those one wants to impress. -
Investment is in fashion not art.
good luck,
Keep all the above information under your hat lest you get even
greater mountains of competition.
Mani DeLi
Modern Academic Art is incompetence in search of an idea.
...no skill no art
Tired of Modern Art? Check out my web page!
http://www.interlog.com/~hugod/