Finn Fang Foom Weekly #65 - Masters of the Universe
Finn Clark
DOCTOR WHO REVIVALS WE REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE #1
THIS WEEK: Masters of the Universe
Prince Doctor knew it was time to call his friends. Like a dork, he stood
there waving his mighty weapon in the air as a storm mysteriously sprang up
from nowhere. "By the power of Gallifrey... I have the POWERRRR!!!"
Lightning streaked the sky and triggered an astonishing transformation! No
longer was the Doctor merely a musclebound goofball with girlie hair and
near-terminal steroid poisoning that had shrivelled his gonads to the size
of dust mites. No, now he had a better tan and his shirt off! No longer
the effete Prince Doctor, he had instead become... DOCTOR HE-MAN, Master of
the Universe! Amazingly no one had realised that the two were alter egos,
despite the fact that he didn't even put on glasses like Superman becoming
Clark Kent. You could see those cartoon muscles through his shirt. Were
his friends stupid or what?
When the FCC had eased their rules on adverts in cartoons, Mattel was in
there with the first ever show produced simply to sell action figures! Mind
you they didn't only make annoying plastic lumps with "Power Punches",
"Battle Armour" and "Flying Fists"! No, kids were also expected to buy
He-Man bedsheets, He-Man lunchboxes with thermos, He-Man kites and He-Man
action figure vehicles and castles.
Doctor He-Man was glad to see his trusty merchandising opportuni... er,
FRIENDS! There was Man-at-Arms, Teela, Sorceress, Orko and Cringer, Prince
Doctor's cowardly tiger who transformed into fierce Battle Cat! Orko
managed a double irritation factor by being both the cornball comedy relief
and the dispenser of the story's moral at the end of every episode! There
was even a sister Doctor He-Man didn't know he had, Princess Adora, who
could become She-Ra whenever Mattel wanted to flog yet another line of
action figures!
"So what's the story?" growled Man-at-Arms.
"Story?" repeated Doctor He-Man. "You kidding? Like always it'll be Orko
getting captured, me fighting a giant crab monster and then throwing
Skeletor and his goons into a river."
"And my dumb moral at the end!" put in Orko, who didn't want his valuable
contributions overlooked.
"Must you? I mean, like every time?"
"It's my plot function!"
"What if I said I'd let Ram-Man use you as his eager bitch?"
Orko shrugged. "I'm living in an oh-so-butch world of shirtless musclebound
men. Could be worse. You could have chosen the moustacioed one called
Fisto."
Doctor He-Man blinked. "Ain't no such guy. This is a family cartoon!"
"Wow, you kidding? Fisto, Beast-Man, Trap-Jaw, Rokkon... The creatives at
Mattel and Filmation must have been creaming their jeans!"
"There's Whiplash," added Teela.
"King Randier," said Cringer.
"That's RANDOR!" snapped Doctor He-Man. "And why the fuck are you speaking?
Skeletor's panther can't talk. None of the other animals on Eternia talk.
What's the deal with my stupid cat?"
Suddenly there was a fight scene for absolutely no reason! Skeletor and his
even more stupid minions appeared from nowhere and attacked.
"What in the name of all the ancients?!" exclaimed Doctor He-Man.
"That's from Thundercats, dumb-ass," said Skeletor, getting out his mighty
weapon.
"Hey, they've got all the good swears! What th' gole-derned?! Dang blast
it! Snarf! By Thundera!"
"I'll kill you, Doctor He-Man!"
Doctor He-Man struck a series of homoerotic manly poses with his sword,
which should really have seen him being turned into Chunky He-Man Giblets.
"If you were really trying to kill me, you'd use a gun."
"Evil minions can't hit a barn at twenty paces! You're always walzing
through blaster fire without even a scratch! Yeah, right. A gun."
"Doctor <swish!> Doctor <swish!> Doctorcats HOOOOO! By the code of Doctora!
By Jaga!"
Inevitably Skeletor lost the fight. You'd think he'd learn he was a
complete loser after getting his arse kicked in 130 straight episodes, but
no! Skeletor had no clue! Back to Snake Mountain he fled with his fellow
clowns, plotting revenge, but upon reaching his fortress of evil everyone
gasped in melodramatic and badly animated astonishment. Some strange force
had kicked in the doors, bitten off the snakes' heads and used the hanging
chains for kinky bondage!
"Who... DARES!" roared Skeletor, pausing between the two words for no
reason whatsoever! Bad voice-over actors in children's cartoons think it
makes them sound impressive and scary!
"Finn Fang Foom say COMPLETE LOSER!"
"And he's not just talking about himself!" said Chaz Gordon, lolling on
Skeletor's throne as he picked his teeth with a cobra's fang.
"You will die for this insolence!"
"Get with the program, dude!" said Chaz. "You're the bad guy in a
children's cartoon. The worst you ever do is stand there and laugh evilly."
"I'm sure I got nasty in the live-action movie," said Skeletor defensively.
"I was played by Frank Langella, you know."
Chaz snorted. "Yeah, and you couldn't even beat Dolph Lungren!"
"Er..." Even Skeletor could see he was on a losing wicket there!
"Finn Fang Foom say MOVIE star COURTNEY COX!"
"Foomster, that is completely irrelevant and not germaine to the subject
under..." Chaz hesitated. "Did she get her kit off?"
"Hey!" said Skeletor.
"Oh yeah, you," said Chaz. "Hey, I always wanted to know this. Why'd
Sorceress give you the other half of the Sword of Greyskull? It's like she
gave one to Doctor He-Man to defend Greyskull, then gave you another to try
to kill him every week!"
"That's completely..."
"Another thing! You all live in castles only lit by candles and lanterns,
but fly around in high-tech aircraft. Explanation, please-o?"
"Guys," said Skeletor hastily. "You came here for a reason?"
"We did? Oh, we did! We want to help you destroy Doctor He-Man."
"I need no help for that!"
There was a certain amount of sniggering. "The evidence ain't with ya,
dude."
Suddenly the wall burst inward in a grossly unconvincing explosion of rubble
that so badly wanted to be Japanese manga. Doctor He-Man was here,
accompanied by all his brave, intelligent friends!
"You've come alone!" cried Skeletor.
"Yoy oy hoy!" protested Chaz. "We were discussing our evil plan!
Dweeb-free zone! Well, obviously apart from Skeletor."
Doctor He-Man looked defensive. "You're talking about my arch-foe!"
"On the lamest children's cartoon of all time."
"This show is fantastic!" protested Doctor He-Man, cut to the quick. "Look
at the awesome character designs! Skeletor, one of my favorite characters,
has blue skin, a purple hood and a skull for a face. How cool is that?!"
"As cool as you. El Foomster?"
"Finn Fang Foom SHOOT!"
Doctor He-Man brandished his sword so as to flex his baby-oiled muscles in
worryingly homoerotic fashion. "You cannot defeat me, green stupid evil
one! I wield the Sword of Greyskull! I have the POWERRR!"
Finn Fang Foom raised his AK-47 and fired. Doctor He-Man dropped his sword
and curled up screaming, clutching the shattered remains of his ankles.
When everyone had stopped laughing, the evil plotting contined!
A pathetic voice spoke from the floor. "Evil... cannot defeat Doctor
He-Man..."
"Really?" said Chaz, then waved his hands in the air and mumbled the Lord's
Prayer backwards. "Senor, I've just cast a magic spell on you. To get rid
of it, you've got to say 'By the power of Greyskull' backwards! You've got
sixty years."
Piggy hero eyes widened in horror. "Backwards?!" Hours passed as a tiny
cerebellum strained to cope with a task beyond its normal parameters.
"Maybe I should write this down?" He picked up an ankle bone and dipped it
in his blood. "All I gotta do now is learn to write!"
"Finn Fang Foom KILL?"
"Mercy execution, dude!"
The great lizard opened his jaws to bite, but then came Doctor He-Man's most
terrifying weapon of all! Disturbing and just plain WRONG, it was
nonetheless the most hideous force in the universe. Teenage and
pre-pubescent girls poured into Snake Mountain, determined to save their
hero! Annoying voices squeaked as the little bitches battered his foes like
tenderised steak!
"Hey hey!" yelled Chaz, disappearing beneath the tide. "Why the fuck are
YOU watching this cartoon? With a title like He-Man?"
"He's our hero!" replied the dripping girls. "We love him!"
"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay... flesh-and-blood girls, paint-and-celluloid boy!"
"He's eighteen!"
"You're kidding! Actually, on second thoughts that's quite mature by
cartoon standards. Lion-O on Thundercats had the mind of a child."
"We root for him!"
"Way too much information!" A thought came to Chaz, breaking all the laws
of probability! "What about She-Ra? Why ain'tcha watching that instead?"
Instantly the girlies formed a squabbling mob. On the other side of the
chamber Finn Fang Foom was doing something unspeakable, but that all right
by Chaz! The fewer whining underage brats in the world, the better! Right
now they were merely arguing. "She-Ra's neato!" said one. "She's less hard
than Doctor He-Man!" said another. "She's pretty and they should get
married!"
"Whoah there!" interrupted Doctor He-Man, feebly twitching on the floor.
"We're brother and sister!"
"So? You love each other!"
"Kid, there's this law called genetics..."
"But you're always guest-starring on each other's shows! It's always really
cool when He-Man comes on She-Ra!"
Doctor He-Man coughed and looked embarrassed. "How'd you... look, we use
condoms, right? We discussed the issues and She-Ra said she didn't want any
interesting-looking babies."
"Outta here, dude!" screamed Chaz Gordon.
"Finn Fang Foom RUNNING!"
The girlies started chanting the Doctor He-Man theme lyrics, though
unfortunately not the following version known in playgrounds throughout the
world:
"He has the power
"To pick up a flower
"Though it takes him an hour
"or so."
"Fucking amazing poem," said Chaz, though the Doppler shift from superspeed
was making his voice almost inaudible! "Ever considered sending it to
L.F.B.S.?"
"No nipples!" screamed a girlie, pointing at Chaz Gordon. "Doctor He-Man
doesn't have nipples either, because of the cheap animation! They must be
brothers!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Distance was covered.
"Wow, that was retarded," said Chaz twenty minutes and sixty light-years
later.
"L.F.B.S.?" asked the Perverted One.
"Literature For and By Spastics."
"Finn Fang Foom AGREE!"
Back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor had been defeated yet again and Orko had
arrived! With hideous inevitability he turned to camera for the obligatory
ulcer-forming moral. "And remember, kids..."
"Ram-Man!"
"UGH!" Squelch.
The Internet-Researched End!
NEXT WEEK: Mortal Kombat!
Same FANG-TIME, same FANG-NEWSGROUP, kids!
Finn Clark.
Bokman7757
Cameron Mason
Finn Clark <kafe...@blewbury99.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:9mogbt$dmj$2...@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
<snip>
ROFL!
A sheer work of genius.
Cameron
--
I explored the ashes of Gallifrey and found a lump of TARDIS.
http://members.fortunecity.com/masomika/