LNH: Cry.Sig #3

[bar...@wkuvx1.bitnet]

Here it is, true believers - chapter three of the greatest saga that
our heroes have ever faced - Cry.Sig On Infinite Net.Earths!

NOTE - Characters will live, characters will die, characters will
mutate, characters will be resurrected, characters will turn
traitor, etc., etc., etc. In short, if you have little tolerance for
Marvel and Image, this is not the LNH story you want to read.

CHAPTER THREE:
With a glimmer of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty "hi ho
Silver", Pointless Death Man flashed into existence on the field of
battle on H'yddee'uz.
Adamant Authority on Everything (deciding discretion was the better
part of valor - not to be confused with Valor, who isn't discreet in
the least) was effecting his escape from the super-villain assault
squad, bumped into him.
"What do you think you're doing in my way, you sorry-"
A quick zap from PD Man's cosmic ray gun ended his diatribe (not
that I have the slightest idea what that is -jdb) forever.
Reacting quickly, Myk-El laid out PD Man with a single punch. Super
Apathy Lad then put him in stasis using the Long-Lasting Lethargy of
Lobdell.
"A good thing Rebel Yell warned us over our new cosmic
walkie-talkies, isn't it, Spelling Boy?" Myk-El asked. "We only lost
Adamant, and he was a pain in the tail anyway."
Spelling Boy did not reply for a moment. Then he spoke, "I suddenly
feel like revealing a hithertofore only hinted at subplot. This story
is getting stale." He ripped off his mask to reveal...

* * * *

As Multi-Tasking Man single-handedly (having lost one hand in an
unfortunate accident earlier) took on the Time-Crapper's Supervillain Army
(tm) led by Table, All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny-Woman
suddenly dematerialized (she secured the role of Void in WildCATS).
An unseen figure surveyed the battle scene. The former CAPTAIN
CAPITALIZE was sobbing in one corner, while the corpses of Ellipsis
King and Ultimate Ninja lay nearby. Marvel Zombie Boy was in pieces
on the ground, trying to pull himself together once again.
The newcomer rushed to his side and used the Cosmic Band-Aid to aid
Marvel Zombie Boy. The Zombie gazed up through glassy, tear-stained
eyes. "It's all a lie, isn't it? I've been following Marvel for
nothing. They're just another moneygrubbing corporation. My faith is
no more...." He passed out from the strain of the confession, his
body beginning to glow.
Contraption Man (the new guy) looked on with mounting concern. It
was MZB's faith in Marvel that granted him such powers. If that faith
failed and could not be replaced, Marvel Zombie Boy would die.

* * * *

In alt.fan.dan.quayle, the far-away team finished the burial service
for the 16 fallen heroes.
Cliche Dude turned away. "It's all so senseless."
Dr. Stomper gently said, "This is comics. Life here is allowed to
be. Come to think of it, it's pretty much the same way in real life.
How else can you explain Ross Perot actually getting votes still?"
Rebel Yell said, "All right, on with the mission. We'll probably
see these people again before we're through. Anybody have any ideas
how to find the Editors."
"I do," a voice from the back said. Yell turned to see Background
Boy!
"I thought you were Continuity Champion in disguise."
"I was," the hero replied, ripping off his mask (though the ripping
was more realistic than the one in BATMAN RETURNS) to reveal...
Captain Continuity!
"I am the alternate future version of Continuity Champ, so I know
exactly where they are."
Parking Karma Kid, distraught over the murder of his pal Squid Boy,
grabbed the older CC. "You knew this was going to happen! You could
have stopped it!" he raged.
The Captain met him with a gaze cold as a Canadian woman's heart.
"Yes, at the cost of all reality! I am your only hope to save the
universe. If your friends had to be sacrificed to prevent the
destruction of us all, is that so terrible a price?"
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," Cliche Dude
noted.
"Exactly. Besides, this is comics - they'll be back. Now let go of
me, so we can get to the Editors."

* * * *

Meanwhile, back on earth (who cares which one) news of the impending
disaster set off net-wide panic.
In his office high above Coastal City, the crimelord Kingfish smiled
at the chaos. If he couldn't take it with him, he was determined to
get all he could get within the next two weeks.

* * * *

Also on earth, Continuity Champion's Aunt Comic-Relief was driving
her Model-T to visit a friend, when the jalopy coughed, wheezed, and
died.
"Oh, dear," she said. Peering through her wire-rimmed spectacles,
she saw a building nearby. The weather was starting to look dark and
stormy, so she went to the door to ask to use the phone.
At her feeble rap, the door slowly opened with a creak. "Hello,"
Aunt Comic-Relief said, stepping inside. "Is anyone here?"
She turned to see a hideous figure carrying a huge gun. It was the
last sight she'd ever see, as she had a coronary.
The alien who had been waiting for Dr. Killfile looked down at the
old woman...

* * * *

CHAPTER FOUR IS COMING! Royalty King's master plan may or may not be
revealed! The Time Crapper makes his move! The horrible fate of
Marvel Zombie Boy! Crossover Queen's startling secret! All this
and... DOOM!!!

-Drizzt