LNH: Cry.Sig on Infinite Net.Earths
bar...@wkuvx1.bitnet
NOTE: The following subject matter is in direct contradiction to some
material already posted, but since when has that stopped the LNH?
Also, it is not for those attached to certain characters - heroes will
live, heroes will die, the universe will never be the same! Of
course, if you really object, bring them back on your own, or just
ignore what I've done, considering it to be in an alternate world.
CHAPTER ONE:
With a flash of puse light, the "away team" of Legionaires arrived
at their destination - the planet H'yddee'uz.
"We have arrived," Continuity Champion intoned ominously.
"WE MUST SEEK OUT THE EVIL FIEND CROSSOVER QUEEN!" said (need I
identify him?) CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
"I know where she is and you don't! Nyah-nyah!" Adamant Authority
On Everything jeered.
Just then, All-Knowing-last-chance-whiner-Destiny-Woman arrived.
"But _I_ do! I know all her plans and we must face her before it is
too late. The doom of the world is upon us! We cannot allow her mad
scheme to succeed!"
Multi-Tasking Man and Myk-El stood silently by, while Super Apathy
Lad yawned.
"All right, now that we've identified everyone in the team for the
readers, we must put an end to Crossover Queen," Continuity Champ
said. "We have to hurry; we must strike before she realizes we are
here!"
"It is too late for that, fools!" a female voice boomed. "Prepare
to meet a fate worse than death - prepare to face your worst night-
mares - yourselves!"
A multidimensional portal opened up, dumping out nine dopplegangers
of the heroes! Of course, the LNHer's each decided to take on their
opposing number in the LND (Legion of Net Dopplegangers), choosing to
face a foe likely to match them strength for strength and power for
power.
Marvel Zombie Boy charged toward his evil foe. As he approached,
he failed to notice the large "i" on the doppleganger's chest.
Until, that is, the figure pulled off his mask to reveal...
"No, no, not - TODD MCFARLANE!!!! That means..."
"Yes," the doppleganger said. "I am... Image Idiot!" With an evil
grin, he began running down Marvel for treating its creators so badly.
Marvel Zombie Boy collapsed, sobbing, in a heap (once again).
Spelling Boy sneered. "You don't look so tough."
His clone fired back a ray of pure word energy, racking Spelling
Boy with agony. "Ewe dome luke sew turf."
Too late, Spelling Boy realized he faced Homonym Boy. ^1
"HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!" CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE said.
" SSSSS TTTTTTT OOOOO PPPPPP !!! "
S S T O O P P !!! "
S T O O P P !!! "
SSSSS T O O PPPPPP !!! "
S T O O P !!! "
S S T O O P "
SSSSS T OOOOO P !!! "
"no..." the once CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE whispered, as his fiendish foe,
CAPTAIN MEGA-CAPS LAUGHED.
As the other heroes faced down their dopplegangers, Continuity Champ
hit upon a plan. He grabbed his opposing twin.
"What are you doing to meeeeeee........"
With a burp, Continuity Champ absorbed his evil clone, doing unto
another before he was done to himself.
He now realized everything about this situation, including why the
doppleganger and H'yddee'uz in general were so ugly and messy - they
had been created by Crossover Queen's husband Walt.
Just then Ellipsis King arived and the villains attacked...
* * * *
Meanwhile, Crossover Queen raged. "What are they doing here?!"
"I believe they got tired of waiting for the '501 Blues" storyline,
so they decided to find their own reason for the destruction of the
universe."
She glared at her toady. "Thusfar, I have been merciful! Now, I
find myself drawn to do something truly monstrous in order to
establish my reputation as a villain!"
Crossover Queen turned to the window. "So, as I did to Cypher, as
I did to Superman, so now shall I destroy..."
"Canada," she said with an evil grin. ^2
* * * *
And so, all of a sudden, Canada was nuked by a reality wave.
* * * *
The far-away team, taking a break from racking their brains over how
to get to the editors, were talking over why _they_ were named the
"far-away" team when they were the ones still on earth.
Then, an idea hit Sig-File Man.
"OWWW!" he screamed, rubbing his head.
"Hey, I'm in charge of any hollering to be done around here!" Rebel
Yell, well - yelled.^3
Captain Clean-Up picked up the idea and was preparing to throw it
away, until Squid Boy noticed what it said. "Hey, guys, look at
this!"
"'Why don't...'" Lurking Lass said.
"'...we go see...'" Dr. Stomper added.
"'...the wacky master of magic...'" The Incredible Man with No Life
continued.
"'...Dr. Deranged?'" Trivia Master finished, joined by Sing-Along
Lass. ^4
"A good idea," Parking Karma Lad commented.
Background Boy nodded. ^5
And so they set off, Sing-Along Lass happily piping, "We're off to
see the wizard..."
* * * *
They were greeted at the door by Dr. Deranged's servant Gong and
were quickly ushered in to see the doctor.
He waved Rebel Yell into silence as the leader began to talk. "Yes,
yes, I know what you want. Heroes, you're all the same. You never
write, you never call, not even a Christmas card - until you need
mystical expertise."
"Anyway, the beings you seek, the Editors, are truly powerful
beings, blessed with near limitless powers. On rare occasion, one
may come down from his or her five-dimensional position to become
one- or two-dimensional, like the rest of us. There are even legends
that, in the near future, one Editor's works caused him to be cast out
from the hierarchy; his name, incidentally, was Harras the
Horrendous."
The Dr. fixed the heroes with a stare. "The way you travel to seek
the Editors will be dangerous, fraught with peril. They can now be
found in alt.fan.dan.quayle, one of the most dangerous areas in all
the netverse for sane beings. You will be confronted with
Bush-bashers, liberals, socialists, and worst of all..."
"The media!"
The LHN cringed at the feared m-word, but decided the rewards were
worth the risks, considering they were scheduled to be axed soon any-
ways.
"Very well," the Dr. said.
"By the Many Moonies of Madripoor, by Wolverine's Much Hair, I
invoke the power of Starlin to carry the LNH there!" he shouted,
pointing at alt.fan.dan.quayle on a schematic.
As the heroes wavered and vanished, Dr. Deranged thought he heard
someone say "Liberals and reporters and Quayle-bashers - oh my!" ^6
TO BE CONTINUED IN ISSUE #2
Next time: More Dopplegangers! Royalty King's master plan!
Ultimate Ninja/wReam versus Ellipsis King in a battle to the death!
Crossover Queen's secret revealed! All this and the reintroduction
of- Pointless Death Man!
-Drizzt
^1 - Yes, I know they aren't perfect homonyms; sue me.
^2 - Sorry about this, but Drizzt's fiancee who broke up with him for
another guy four days before she was scheduled to move down here
was from Canada and is in Canada, so it seemed the most logical
target.
^3 - Almost a rhyme!
^4 - Both are new characters retconned into existence; they've always
been there, you just never noticed them.
^5 - Background Boy? Wasn't he...? Hmmmm....