LNH: Drizzt's Cosmic Conspiracy pt.3
sl...@cc.usu.edu
Rubbing his doubly-sore neck, Rebel Yell tried to focus on
Multi-Tasking Man's face on the minimonitor of his communicator.
"Yeah, that's right, they both got away. How are things holding
up there?"
"Well, L.U.C.Y. seems to be holding up pretty well,
considering. The mail buffer is filling up quicker than we can
delete the incoming e-mail."
"Yeah, but having her leave 'LNH' out of these post headers is
the only way we can keep from being bushwhacked by Killfile's
doohickey. We have to keep it up."
"We're expanding the buffer into other memory areas. I'll keep
this up as long as I can; unless something drastic happens, we
should be able to keep you covered."
"Good. Yell out."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, in a nearby building, another menace reared its evil
head. Having tapped into Net.Hero communications some time ago,
Y-Plex Burp (see issue #52 of "The Might of Capt'n Quaalude")
pondered the implications of the incident he had just learned of.
This 'Killfile' may be of some use to me, he thought to himself.
"Average Thug, come here!" His summoned minion entered.
"Average, take this message to Dr. Killfile at his secret base.
Tell him I need an answer at once. Oh, and on your way out, tell
Exceptional Thug to activate Operation: Dirty Laundry."
"At once, sir!"
Y-Plex settled back in his chair as his toady left, his fingers
steepled thoughtfully in front of him. "Soon," he said quietly
to himself. "Very soon these heroes will be out of my way once
and for all."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
At Burp's behest, dry cleaners all over the world were
kidnapped and replaced with robotic duplicates within minutes.
The androids then searched through all the laundry until they
found any kind of superheroic costume, whereupon they prepared to
overstarch it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Y-Plex smiled nefariously, continuing his monologue to himself,
outlining his plan's points one by one and congratulating himself
on how clever he was. He believed he had taken care of every
contingency.
However, Lurking Girl moved through the shadows in his base,
searching all the buildings surrounding LNHQ for signs of Manga
Man or Dr. Killfile. She happened to enter Burp's office unseen
just in time to learn of his fiendish plot. I've got to warn the
rest of the LNH, she thought, knowing she was stretching her
powers to the limit (this being the third mention of her in the
story) but heroically ignoring that fact.
Racing back to LNHQ, she phased into the room she shared with
Organic Lass. Gritting her teeth and steeling her will, she
willed herself into tangibility and visibility.
Organic Lass' eyes opened wide. "Luri! You just about scared
me to death!!!"
Lurking Girl swayed unsteadily on her feet. "Listen, Ori...
tell... tell them... Y-Plex... going to... starch... must
stop..." She pitched forward into unconsciousness, the strain of
materializing being too much for her.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!"
went Y-Plex Burp with nary a comma as Exceptional Thug wheeled
his chair around the room. "Faster, FASTER! I've got you now,
Net.Heroes! MUHAHAHAHA!!! TA-KA-TA-KA-TA-KA-TA-KA! Take that,
Rebel Yell!!! BADOOOOM! And that! And that!" Panting, he
motioned for his minion to stop pushing him. "Enough fun. Push
me over to my desk."
Y-Plex pressed a button on his desk. "Secretary Thug, get me
Security Thug."
"Right away, sir."
Music played over the phone. "-- swing on a star, carry
moonbeams home in a jar. Or would you --"
I've got to find a way to pump elevator music into the LNHQ, Y-
Plex burp thought, making a note on his notepad.
"Security Thug here."
"Ah, good. Have you been paying attention to the highly
sensitive detection equiptment?"
"Yes, sir."
"Have you seen anything, ANY-THING, out of the ordinary."
"No, sir. Everything's quiet down here."
"Very well. Carry on. Burp out." He broke the connection and
leaned back in his chair. Good, very good indeed. If we haven't
detected anyone, then Lurking Girl has already been here. All is
going according to plan. "Exceptional Thug!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Are all the dry cleaners replaced?"
"Yes, sir."
"And the costumes?"
"Itchy and scratchy and ready to be shipped out, though we had
a bit of trouble using starch on some of those unstable molecule
costumes."
Y-Plex nodded and began to lean back in his chair when a
thought struck him. "The capes. You *did* remember the capes,
didn't you?" When Exceptional Thug hesitated, Burp leaped from
his chair, a gleam of madness in his eyes. "THE CAPES MUST BE
STIFF AS BOARDS! THEY CAN STILL DO SPLASH PAGES AS LONG AS THEY
HAVE CAPES THAT CAN FLAP IN THE WIND!!!"
"Uh... yes, sir. I r-r-remembered the capes."
Y-Plex released the thug's collar and calmly sat back down in
his chair. "Goog, good. Then we can begin phase two. We'll
have to act quickly."
"Yes, sir."
"AFTER you have pushed me around some more."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Marvel_Zombie Lad, just returning from his one-shot story
"Valley of the Shadow" [coming soon from Drizzt Comics' Retcon
Press imprint! jdb], immediately sensed something was wrong as
soon as he arrived back at the LNHQ. Sensing danger, he whirled
to see a huge pile of dung landing upon him, silensing his
screams of terror.
A cloaked figure scuttled from the shadows. "Hahahahaha! And
so falls the first of the Legionnaires!" Waving his hand, he
made the pile disappear, revealing that M_ZL had devolved into
the Golden Age DC Comic-Swiper Man!
"Tell your allies this, creature. Tell them that their old
foe, the Time Crapper, has returned!" Cacxkling wildly, he
disappeared in a puff of smoke and the acrid stench of an open
sewer in the noontime heat.
Stunned by his sudden transformation, Comic-Swiper Man
staggered about in a daze, looking down at his new costume in
horror. As he began to recover, a low hum came to his ears.
Y-Plex Burp appeared in a flash of CRT light. With him were
two of the everpresent Thugs (with "BIG" and "TOUGH" stencilled
on their chests) and Exceptional Thug. The two bulky minions
carried an Evil Robot Duplicate (tm) of Marvel_Zombie Lad.
Scowling, Burp took in the situation. Muttering to himself, he
quickly paged through his compu-rolodex on his wrist computer.
"Aha! I knew it! I scheduled a replacement of Marvel_Zombie Lad
with an Evil Robot Duplicate weeks ago! I HATE villains who
ignore proper villain etiquette! Is there NO honor among
thieves?" He paused to ponder the situation.
"Since I don't have time to make an E.R.D. of Comic-Swiper Man
before my lunch appointment, I guess I'll just have to use the
Cosmic Plot-Device to fix things," he said. "I *hate* using this
thing; it violates my genre. I'm not a cosmic-level bad guy or a
sci-fi villain or even a mystical menace. Sigh. Looks like I
don't have much of a choice, though."
Exceptional's eyes widened as Y-Plex pulled out a small, grey,
shimmering cube from his back pocket. The Thug was convince it
was repeated usage of the Device and the subsequent violation of
his genre that had caused Y-Plex's... instability in recent days.
Burp pointed the Cosmic Plot-Device at the nearly-recovered
Comic-Swiper Man. He pulled the trigger, causing the LNHer to
revert back to Marvel_Zombie Lad (and stunning him soundly). Y-
Plex Burp and his Thug lackeys teleported away, leaving the Evil
Robot Duplicate in his place. As they vanished, Marvel_Zombie
Lad mumbled, "Y'know, they used to do this all the time in the
Fantastic Four... oooh, my head..."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sitting on top of his Digital Clock Hedaquarters, the Time
Crapper watched the ominous events on his futuristic hologram
monitor. Seething inwardly at Y-Plex Burp's interference in his
plan to create a twisted version of the Classic Squad [the Golden
Age super team consisting of Comic-Swiper Man, Mr. Multitask,
Golden Lord, and several others - jdb], he pressed a button on
his wrist comlink.
"Table!"
"Yeah, boss?"
"My plan has been foiled! Prepare Vengeance Contingency Plan
#37A! You know what to do!"
"Okay."
The Capper deactivated his comlink. He sat, fuming, until
suddenly a booming voice rang out. "Time Capper, I have need of
you!" A surprised look on his face, the master of time and feces
suddenly vanished, teleported away by a power greater than his
own.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A large cloud of smoke rose from the back of Dr. Killfile's
lab. Coughing, he stood up from behind the slightly-singed
machine. Grumbling and muttering, he delivered a sharp kick to
it. The smoking stopped.
Manga Man wandered into the dingy room from the kitchen, where
he had been getting his daily requirement of Ramen noodles.
"What is that, Killfile-san?"
"It's a teleconferencing machine," repliede the doctor,
plugging a few leads into the back and adjusting the vertical
hold. "Some guy sent a Thug over to tell us he wanted to talk.
This seemed the safest way to discuss business with him."
Manga Man nodded his approval. His strength was not fully
recuperated from his last battle, and he could do without another
violent confrontation.
"Ah, there we go!" With a final switch flick, Dr. Killfile
turned on the machine. The image of Y-Plex Burp's office rezzed
up hazily on the screen. Y-Plex himself then came into view.
"Mr. Burp, I presume?" inquired Dr. Killfile. Burp spun in his
swivel chair several times before focussing dizzily on the
virtual window before him.
"Uh... yeah?"
"I am Dr. Milton Fyle, also called Dr. Killfile. This is my
associate, Manga Man. I believe you wanted to speak with us?"
Y-Plex was mortified to be so taken by surprise. Pulling off
his propellor beanie with one hand, Y-Plex motioned to
Exceptional Thug with the other. "We, uh, we seem to be
experiencing some problems with the transmission." Exceptional
walked over to the camera and tinkered with one of the controls.
Killfile's monitor suddenly went fuzzy. Sounds of chair
squeaking and people yelling came over the channel. "Take
this!!! Gimme IT! Push me over to the desk! Fix my hair!
Makeup! Are we ready? Okay, now!" The screen refocussed,
revealing a dark, shadowy figure seated behind a desk. The poor
lighting made it impossible to see his face or even determine if
he was the same man they had talked to just seconds before.
"I wasn't expecting you to reply so soon. But, no matter.
My scientists have been working on a device similar to yours for
some time, but they were unable to get some parts down at Radio
hut. It seems now I know why. You were the one who bought them
out. However, my device had one significant difference. You
see, while your machine will only block out files with the header
'LNH' in them on an account-by-account basis, it can be upgraded
with this!"
The shadowed figure held his hand out to the light revealing a
nondescipt computer chip. "THis is IT! I finally got my hands
on IT! After all these years, I have IT at last! IT's a dream
come true!"
Y-Plex leaped from his seat, the flames of madness alight once
again in his eyes. As he stood, the bottom half of his face was
able to be seen. He smiled. "I'm giving IT to you, along with
instructions on how to install IT. IT, when activated, will make
your device vastly more effective. So much more effective, so
much more powerful, that if I were to tell you what IT does, it
would ruin the ending."
Y-Plex sat down. He placed IT in a small box and pulled a 3-
ring binder out of his desk. Handing both to Exceptional Thug,
he motioned toward the monitor. "Take IT." Exceptional reached
through the screen and handed both to Dr. Killfile. The doctor,
more than a bit stunned at the abilities of Burp's machines to
send matter through them as well, took them in silence. "Send
Manga Man to fight with the Net.Heroes. I will activate my
current plan, and between the two of us, we'll buy you the time
you need to complete IT's installation."
Killfile, still stunned, nodded. "Okay. Killfile out."
As the monitor dimmed, Exceptional worried again about his
employer. Y-Plex had used the Device again in order to impress
his superiority upon Killfile and Manga Man. Something was bound
to give soon.
Burp turned from the camera to Exceptional Thug. "Activate
Operation: Sneaky Sneaky Sneaky. And put Operation: Dirty
Laundry on hold."
He smiled evilly. "For now."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Back at the LNHQ, the Evil Robot Duplicate of Marvel_Zombie Lad
walked over to the communication panel. "Attention, all LNH
members! I've discovered the location of Y-Plex Burp's secret
base..."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, back at stately Ellicott Complex, young Benjamin
Pierce labored at writing his new comic book, X-WIVES, the
stories of bored housewives who gained their mutant powers while
cleaning house. Suddenly, a radioactive pencil hurtled toward
him, stabbing into his right arm. Ben, alarmed by this (who
wouldn't be?), stood and turned around, looking for all the world
like one of the three poses Rob Liefeld draws. Seeing no one, he
merely shrugged and began to care for his wounded arm. After
placing a band-aid on it, he returned to his seat.
Re-reading his page of text where Toilet-Scrubbing Woman fought
off the evil duo of Grime and Dirt, he found that halfway through
the fight, Toilet-Scrubbing Woman's weapon, the Perilous Plunger,
changed into the Toilet Paper of Truth on one page. By the next,
though, it reverted to a plunger. Ben wondered what had happened
to his creation; he certainly didn't remember writing it that
way. At length, he decided to take a short break and do a bit of
light reading.
He picked up the new Star Drek: The Yuppie Generation novel and
began reading it. However, halfway down the first page, Ben
began to notice names being switched. Frightened by this
development, he thumbed through to the book's middle, wher he saw
that dead characters had taken the places of ones named earlier
in the book. Ben, believing that he was on the verge of a
nervous breakdown, hurled the book accross the room. Now really
worried, he decided a nap might be just what he needed.
After just a few minutes of tossing and turning, Ben was roused
from his bed by a knock at the door. Grumbling, he opened the
door to see a tall, muscular man with a small head and one wooden
arm carrying a stack of plates. As Ben looked on in shock (now
certain he was losing his mind), the figure walked in, closed the
door, and began to speak. "Hello, Ben. My name is Table. I'm
here to train you in the use of your new-found powers." Stepping
away from the sputtering writer wannabe, he bent down and
transformed into a table, placing the dishes on top of his back.
Ben's jaw dropped even further.
The stranger resumed his human form and continued. "You've
been blessed with great power, Ben, great power that must be
controlled or the fabric of every story around you will be
affected. Incidentally, we'll have to give you a costumed
identity as well. How about... Plot-Error Man? Yes, that'll
do." Table lifted the frozen writer and placed him under one
arm. "It's high time we go, my young friend. The cause is
calling."
As he was carried like a sack of potatoes out of the room, Ben
finally found his tongue. "I wonder if Aunt May ever had this
happen to her when it was revealed that she was secretly a
Highlord...?"
TO BE CONTINUED...