> COPYRIGHT 1996 Rodney E. Griffith. All rights reserved. Not to be
> published or retransmitted without permission. Any similarity to
> persons living, dead or fictional without satiric intent is purely
> coincdental. Comments, legal threats, etc. to: rodn...@en.com.

> WUINS
> (for Warren Elllis)

> My name is Elmer Fudd. I'm a wepowter and a photogwapher. I know too much
> in a wowld that has somehow gone wong. This is my stowy.

> I knew all awong that something was scwewy about this pwanet. It began with
> an intewview I did with a so-called Witch named Hazel. Aboawd a jet
> aiwiner, I compwimented her on her beauty. She looked wike a miwwion bucks.

> She shweiked when she saw her wefwection in the window. Then her face
> melted befowe my eyes and she became hideouswy ugwy. And she was HAPPY
> about it!

> THIS was an age of MAWVELS?

> Maybe it all went wong in the 1950s, when war hewo Bosco was executed for
> tweason and wacial discwimination. Or when, in the months that fowwowed,
> Daffy Duck tuwned state's evidence and testified against Porky and Petunia
> Pig for spying for the Wussians. An expwoding cigar bwew his head cwean off
> on his way back fwom the twial.

> The awmy successfuwwy fought off an invasion from Mars. When I visited the
> Martian Concentwation Camp, it was a sickening sight. All that was weft of
> a stwike fowce to devestate pwanets was a small, pathetic cweature. His
> swowwen wittle bwack head would no wonger fit in his battered hewmut.

> "I claim this planet in the name of Mars!" he bewwowed then, planting an
> awuminum fwag on US gwound. Instead the govewnment hit them with a hundwed
> pwutonium bombs, blowing theiw awmadda to smitheweens. "Goodness gracious,"
> wheezed the Mawtian, his wungs woaded down with cancer. "I only wanted a
> clear view of Venus!"

> Evewy day, the news was full of twagedy: a gwanny was awwested for animal
> cwuelty after she bashed her cat's skull in when she found out he'd
> swawwowed her pwize Tweety Bird. Earth's fastest living mouse, Juan
> "Speedy" Gonzalez, was awwested for dwug twafficking and executed in San
> Diego. A mad genius coyote in New Mexico who spent miwwions on exotic
> weaponwy to kill a wival woad-wunner, pewished in an explosion that took
> out an entiwe mountain wange.

> In the deep south, a tall, boistwous wooster was indicted for child
> mowestation for his rewationship with a young boy -- a "chicken hawk". He
> pwotested in vain at his twial: "I, I, I do declare, I say, it was the DAWG
> that put me up to it, the DAWG!"

> He got twenty yeaws.

> He was wucky, though, compared to Bugs.

> That weasel Bugs... poor Bugs Bunny.

> He was a hotshot, a woudmouth, a showoff. The govewnment dwafted him to be
> the guinea pig fow a tewwible expewiment: he was to ingest a wadioactive
> cawwot. It was supposed to make him super-powewful.

> I was thewe... it was a howwible sight.

> Fiwst his skin tuwned bwight wed. Then bwue. Then yewwow. Then pwaid. Then
> one of the scientists hewd up a petwie dish with Bugs' bwood samples: "Hey!
> If he dies, we can always CLONE him!" Another of the scientists hit him
> ower the head with a baseball hat eweven times. "Look, Amercrombe, we may
> be evil scientists without morals but we're not THAT low!"

> Bugs never finished his last words: "With great power" (cough) with great
> power, Doc, must also come great... "  It wouldn't have mattewed. No one
> wistened to that kind of talk any more.

> No one was supposed to see it. But I did. I've seen it all... I've seen
> what should have been a wong wife full of wonder tuwned into... WUINS. Even
> now, I feew as though a bwack cwoud is hovewing over me.

> Wait a minute.

> That's not a cwoud, it's an ANVIL --

> Ah, FUDD!

> --
> "Now, I know there's some reflexively irate homosexual in the crowd
> thinking "How DARE you, Miss Thing!" and what I'm saying to you is this: I
> think so little of the variations in human sexuality that I refuse to treat
> you like a Fabrege egg... You are part of the human collective; come, join
> in our reindeer games, you too can be poked fun at."
>                                                    - Dennis Miller.