[LNH] LNH 'Tsk' Force #6: Cable Bill, pt. 1

[Steven Howard]

Prologue: Fifteen years ago.

The Net.ropolis headquarters of the Department of Irresponsible
Science nearly overflowed with barely-contained excitement. The
Department's director, Doctor Heironymus Wrenchbreaker, was
preparing to test his latest project: the Deregulation Ray. It
was only three years ago that he had taken over the beleaguered
Bureau of Mad Science and, with little more than a fresh coat of
paint and a new letterhead, transformed it into a model of modern
government and unbridled defense spending. This experiment, if
successful, would be his crowning achievement. With the proper
safeguards and precautions in place, it would transform any
industry wallowing in a morass of red tape and bureaucratic rules
into an ideal, self-regulating community, free to flourish in the
unbridled marketplace of 1980s corporate America -- and all
without any pesky objections from those Communists calling
themselves "consumer advocates" and "labor unions."

Men in blue lab coats and plastic hard hats walked constantly up
and down the corridors, carrying clipboards. Others stared
intently at gauges and dials. The two guys who always stand next
to an oscilloscope stood next to an oscilloscope. And so on.
Let's face it, if you wanted to read about these guys, you'd pick
up a copy of SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.

Suddenly a loud crash of metal and glass nearly shook the bored
technicians out of their daily routine. Nearly.

"What was that, Dave?" one of the oscilloscope guys asked his
partner.

"Sounded like somebody tore the roof off. Probably one of those
supervillains."

"Yeah, it did sound like that. Just goes to show you."

"Show you what?"

"You know. There's always somebody wants to rip the roof off a
lab somewhere."

"You're really weird, Stuart."

Meanwhile, on the floor above, Dr. Wrenchbreaker confronted the
man responsible for the damage. The intruder stood in the
wreckage, wearing what Wrenchbreaker could only imagine was a
Roman Centurion costume made from a bed sheet and a doorman's
uniform. The man's face was familiar; he'd been in the
newspapers a few weeks ago. "You're -- that economist, Professor
Bright."

"I was Professor Bright, true. But the world will soon know me
as -- Supplyslide! The man who fell down the slippery slope of
post-Keynesian economics! We're here to take the Deregulation
Ray, you liberal wimp."

"Liberal? But I created the Ray to serve the cause of
neo-conservativism. Its only function is to deregulate things."

"You don't fool me. Oh, you talk a good game, but what's all
this about 'safeguards' and 'precautions'? I've seen your plans:
when you're done with it, the Ray will deploy a so-called 'safety
net.' You know what that 'safety net' is? It's nothing but a
trap! A liberal snare to rope in ordinary working-class
Americans and make them think they need the government to take
care of them! Tampering with the marketplace, that's what it is!
You liberals make me vomit!" He looked expectantly at the
befuddled scientist. "Well?"

Dr. Wrenchbreaker felt he was expected to say something. "Um.
Ah. Well. That is . . . I'm sorry, was there something I should
. . ."

Supplyslide glared at him. "You're supposed to tell me I'll
never get away with it."

"Why would I say that? This is an ordinary research lab, with no
special defenses. You're a supervillain with a device capable of
tearing our roof off. I'm sure you and your strange followers
are more than a match for myself and my colleagues, and that your
plan involves getting away in plenty of time before either the
police or the military can get here."

"That's what *I* was supposed to say. Now I'm all mixed up.
Look, just recoil in horror at my eerie minions."

"Well, I suppose I . . . Good heavens, they really *are*
horrible. Are they the walking dead?"

"An astute observation, Doctor, and not far from the truth. You
see, using my Economic Voodoo, I can turn ordinary men and women
into brain-dead Reagan Zombies -- an unstoppable army with which
I shall rule the world! Ahahaha!"

"Very well, then. I'll just get out of your way and let you get
on with stealing the --"

He was interrupted by a commanding voice, booming down from the
gaping hole in the roof. "Not so fast, Supplyslide! Nobody's
stealing anything while the LNH is on the job!"

Supplyslide whirled around, to find himself staring at a row of
ten Doc Marten boots. Craning his neck, he saw the five young
people wearing those shoes: A grinning, broad-faced black man in
a sharkskin suit and porkpie hat. A skinny blond youth with a
mohawk, wearing bootcut jeans and a flannel work shirt with the
sleeves torn off. A slightly overweight young woman with long,
curly black hair, wearing a black overcoat with silver pins all
over it and black lace gloves with the fingers cut out. A
teenage boy with a shiny metallic head, dressed in a black
motorcycle jacket. And the one who had spoken, an earnest young
man with dyed blonde spiky hair, dressed in a white jumpsuit with
red gloves, attached via coiled wires to a large red backpack.

Supplyslide recognized them instantly as the League of New-Wave
Heroes. "Oh, it's the Losers who Need Haircuts, is it? Do you
think you can stop me?"

"Let's find out," Radio Star replied. "Rude Boy, Cowpunk, stop
those zombies! Metalhead, guard the scientists! Gothique,
secure the Deregulation Ray! I'll take care of Supplyslide!" At
their leader's command, the New-Wave Heroes sprang into action.
Rude Boy and Cowpunk, knees and elbows flying, waded into the
massed zombies, bashing them into unconsciousness with their
famous Combat Moshing technique. Metalhead positioned himself
between the attackers and the hapless scientists, repelling the
zombies who got too close with vicious headbutts. Gothique
remained where she was and whispered an incantation while
touching one of her silver pins. A globe of eldritch energy
enveloped the Deregulation Ray, keeping the zombies at bay.
Radio Star pointed at Supplyslide and manipulated a control in
the palm of his glove, sending a blast of radio energy toward his
foe, who dived for cover behind an overturned bench.

"Oi," Rude Boy said to Cowpunk as the pair mowed a path through
Supplyslide's followers. "This lot are easier to knock down than
Mrs. Thatch and her army of Straw Men."

"Too bad the varmints don't stay down," his teammate replied,
delivering a well-placed kick to the head of a felled zombie
struggling to his feet.

Unobserved in the melee, one of the technicians dropped his
clipboard and began gathering scattered papers. He touched a
button on his collar and whispered, "Palmer here. Be ready to
grab the Deregulation Ray on my signal. Out."

"Hiding will do you no good, cowardly villain," Radio Star
announced, turning a dial on his wrist to select a wide beam
attack.

"I'm not hiding, fool, I'm setting a diabolical trap,"
Supplyslide said as he jumped up from behind the bench holding a
strange device. It looked like a small silver bowl with strange
blinking lights on the outside. Radio Star's beam struck the odd
machine and all the lights glowed very brightly for a second.
Then a similar beam shot forth from the device, enveloping each
of the Leaguers in a scintillating energy field. "You see, this
sets up an interference pattern, especially calibrated to your
radio attack -- and to the bio-energy signatures of yourself and
your colleagues. The feedback should kill you all in a few
seconds, but at least you'll be in excruciating pain until then."
Setting the machine on the floor, he turned to command his
remaining troops.

"All right, you zombies, get that Ray into the -- what is that
man doing?"

"I'm taking the Ray someplace where it can't do any harm," Agent
Palmer replied, as he and a team of white-jumpsuited agents
loaded the Ray onto a waiting helicar, leaving Supplyslide and
his Reagan Zombies fuming in the wreckage.

Meanwhile, the New-Wave Heroes writhed and struggled in a vain
attempt to escape their doom. The energy bonds that surrounded
them grew tighter and smaller, until each of them simply
"blipped" out of existence like the last phosphor dot on a
television screen.

* * * * * *

The Looniverse's Mightiest Heroes -- no, that's not strictly
true. The Looniverse's Strangest Heroes -- not even close. The
Heroes with the Most Free Time in the Looniverse (there we go)
band together to fight the minor inconveniences and petty
annoyances of modern urban life as the LNH 'TSK' FORCE. Led by
the enigmatic Convoluted Origin Man, this hand-picked team of,
er, specialists is ready to handle any threat, no matter how puny
or insignificant.

LNH 'Tsk' Force #6: "Cable Bill, part 1"

Starring: Convoluted Origin Man, Mainstream Man, and Kid Unique

Special Guest Villain[?]: Cable Bill

* * * * * *

"A giant running rampant in downtown Net.ropolis? Is that really
covered in the Tsk Force charter?" Convoluted Origin Man asked.

"He's not exactly running rampant," Cheesecake Eater Lad said.
"He's just . . . inconveniently large."

"Oh, I get. Okay. Let's send Mainstream Man and Kid Unique down
there to talk to him."

* * * * * *

Arriving at the scene, the two Legionnaires found an otherwise
normal-looking man, 20 feet tall, standing in an intersection,
apparently baffled by the chaos and confusion his presence was
causing. He'd ripped an awning from a nearby storefront and
wrapped it around his midsection, having evidently just recently
grown out of his clothes.

Mainstream Man pulled out a bullhorn and hailed the stranger:
"Attention, gigantic semi-naked person. We are Mainstream Man
and Kid Unique from the Legion of net.Heroes. Do you require
assistance?"

Kid Unique gave him a disbelieving look.

"Hey, it's SOP," Mainstream Man said. "Whenever you meet a new
character in a non-combat situation, you're supposed to identify
yourself and offer assistance."

"Hello," the very large man said. "My name is William Cable.
I'm kind of at a loss here -- I don't want to block traffic but
I'm too big to go into a building."

"Maybe you could go down that alley," Mainstream Man said,
pointing to a place behind William and to his left. "Then cut
over to John Agar Boulevard, which isn't very busy this time of
day. You could go down about three blocks to the Leon Spinks
Junior High soccer practice field."

"That should get me out of the way, at least. Thanks, Mainstream
Man!" And with that the giant strode away, carefully weaving his
way through traffic.

"Is that it? Are we done?" Kid Unique asked.

"No, we're not done. Don't you want to talk to this guy and find
out who he is and why he's so big?"

"Yeah, I guess."

A few minutes later, the three men stood on the soccer field.
William greeted the net.Heroes. "Thanks again for helping me
out. I guess I kind of just panicked."

"Have you always been this big?" Mainstream Man asked.

"No, I'm just a regular-sized guy. I mean, I was until earlier
today, I guess."

"What happened?" Kid Unique asked.

"I don't know. I just sort of . . . started growing or
something."

"Do you want me to shrink you back to normal size?"

"You can do that? Really?"

"Maybe. I have any super power I can think of, as long as nobody
else has it. I don't think anybody else has the power to shrink
giant people down to normal. Can you think of anybody like that,
MM?"

Mainstream Man pondered this. "Not right now. What do you say,
Mr. Cable?"

"What have I got to lose? Sure, give it a shot."

Kid Unique stared at the giant. At first, nothing seemed to
happen. After a couple of seconds, William suddenly screamed in
pain and clutched at his stomach. He began to shrink very
rapidly, reaching a height of six feet in under a minute.

"Are you all right?" Kid Unique asked. "I tried to stop it, but
I couldn't."

William was still bent over, breathing sharply through clenched
teeth. "Huh . . . Huh . . . Hurts like a -- ow!"

"Take it easy. We'll get you to a doctor," Mainstream Man said,
rushing to the man's side. "Do you think you can walk?"

"In a . . . huh . . . in a minute," William replied, still
catching his breath.

"Here, let us help you." With that Mainstream Man got his
shoulder under William's left arm and motioned Kid Unique to do
the same on his right. With the two of them supporting his
weight, William was able to walk slowly.

"We could take you to the Legion's medical expert," Mainstream
Man offered. "Or if you have a doctor in the area?"

"I don't . . . I don't have a regular doctor, no. But you don't
. . . don't have to take me . . . just the closest place is
okay."

"Your condition is rather unusual. The LNH might be the best
place to treat it."

"Dude, we should call an ambulance," Kid Unique said. "We can't
carry him like this all the way uptown. He getting heavy. I
knew we should have brought Bandwagon Chick."

"The Mainstream Mobile isn't more than half a mile from here,"
Mainstream Man reminded him. Indeed, that completely average
looking grey midsize sedan was waiting only a few block away.
"I'm sure we can -- say, he is getting heavier. You don't
suppose . . . William, stand up straight for a second, if you
can."

William slowly drew himself up to his full height -- at least six
and a half feet. "What is it? Am I growing again?"

"It looks that way. And as fast as you seem to grow, it's
probably not a good idea for you to get into my car. I'll radio
the LNH and get a flight thingy sent out."

"No!" William cried, and it seemed as if he'd grown another six
inches during Mainstream Man's speech. "I won't go with you!"

"William, what's wrong? We only want to help . . ." Mainstream
Man stopped and stared at the now nine-foot tall man.

"You hurt me! Made me small!" the giant yelled.

"And I'm really sorry about that," Kid Unique said in what he
hoped was a soothing voice. "I promise I won't do it again. But
we do know people who can help you get back to your normal size."

"This is my normal size! I am normal size! You tried to shrink
me and make me weak!" With that, the now twelve foot tall
William lashed out with a mighty fist and sent Kid Unique flying.

The teen hero's hurried "The power not to get hurt by a --" was
punctuated by his impact with a brick wall, knocking him
unconscious. William stomped over towards him, raising a fist as
if to pummel him further.

Mainstream Man interposed himself between the giant and his
fallen comrade. "William, stop, you'll kill him!"

"Don't call me William. There is no more William. I am Cable
Bill, and nothing can make me stop growing!" With a backward
sweep of his massive hand, he swatted Mainstream Man aside and
stomped off toward downtown Net.ropolis.

* * * * * *

Next: Cable Bill on a rampage! More heroes join the fray!
Doctor Stomper looks into a microscope! Convoluted Origin Man!
Ultimate Ninja! Exclamation Marks! If you miss only one issue
of LNH 'TSK' FORCE this year, don't miss #7: "Cable Bill, part
2"! ('Cause then part 3 won't make any sense at all.)

* * * * * *

Copyright 1999 by Steven Howard.
Convoluted Origin Man created by Matt Rossi.
Cheesecake Eater Lad and Mainstream Man created by person or
persons unknown.
Used without permission.
And without persimmons, for that matter.