LNH: Integrity Quest 2.2 - reprint
Hubert Bartels
I N T E G R I T Y Q U E S T
Reprinting the Integrity Quest books from 1993
Vol 2.2
In which the infamous "Woody Scandal" occurs. Then
there is a lot of retconning and fast rewriting. Finally,
wholesale violence and mayhem breaks out.
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From: U16...@uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: Integrity Quest: The Editor Blues
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 10: THE EDITOR BLUES
[Note - These following chapters takes place during Seize Dangerous]
Lost Cause Boy rolled over. The dull patter of rain against his window was
too much for him to sleep. Not with this mystery. Not with his recent battle
with Peter-Out-Son. And not with a gorgeous piece of meat like Panta in the
basement wearing only her fur. He looked under the covers at his woody.
"Damn, I never could resist catwomen, except the Chris Mazucceli version with
the big ears and the skintight jumpsuit. I liked the old purple costume
personally."
Rambling on, LCB discovered he was already at the door, which had been pushed
open, despite the fact that he hadn't used his hands. "Oh migod, I'm turning
into a Billy Crystal skit. I hope there aren't any doorbells down there."
LCB stepped down towards the heavy steel door of the basement when his ears
picked up whispering. He crouched, pressing his ear to the door. "Maybe if
I concentrate, I can use the hearing from the Frank Miller Wolverine to
listen in. I wonder who..."
His spine suddenly went cold. He recognized the voice. The voice that
turned what could have been a promising young character into a lame
ham... yes, the one who made Eric Masterton yet another of his lost causes,
it was none other than.... DeFacto. And he was seducing Panta. He sat down,
shocked.
"No, she came to the LNH to help us. And why would DeFacto show up here?
He's not a vampire. He could pop in on anyone in a moment of weakness," he
said. He looked at a cockroach crawling along the wall, then several large
pitt-bulls, no wait, they were only rats, knawing on a small child that had
been dragged down. "And anyone would be weak here."
LCB sneered. "That's why he changed history. I do remember stopping Panta
from killing those mobbies, at least once. The trouble is, I have two
different outcomes. The time I remember best, I nearly slashed Panta to
ribbons. All my Suicide Squads got turned into issues of Suicide Squid.
(Gotta remember to thank Typo Lad. Those are major collectors items.)"
He turned to the door, listening to Panta, sitting alone, sobbing quietly.
"She may have betrayed us, but it's hard to resist an editor when you're
only a character instead of a reader. But I've still got a beef that won't
go down. Maybe she'll talk to me about it."
LCB opened the door, looking at Panta, curled up on the bed. He was kind of
in a quandry. He rarely got into a situation where he actually got the
girl. "Listen, I've got this huge suite upstairs, and I there aren't enough
pillows for the way I sleep," he said.
Panta looked at him. "You mean all wrapped up and bundled?"
"Yup. You like sleeping that way too?"
Panta nodded.
LCB smiled to himself. Maybe she'd tell him sometime during the night. But
he did know that he'd better do something fast, or...
* * * * *
LCB woke up the next morning, the first time ever he woke up without the
morning woody. Panta was already dressed, sort of like Elli May, but with
lush, silken fur. Oh well, it was fun waking up without sleeping on a log
for a few moments.
"Lost Cause Boy..." Panta began.
"Call me LC," LCB said.
Panta nodded. "Uh.... about yesterday LC..."
LCB nodded. "Yes?"
"Thanks for helping me back from the edge," Panta said. She rushed
through the door out into the corridor.
LCB chewed his lower lip. He'd seen this so many times before. She wanted to
say something, but was unwilling to speak, maybe out of fear.
Or, maybe she was just so jammed in completely by a plot device that only
someone with a warped and twisted mind could break her out. He knew of the
man, and his powers were legendary. Superhero-Bashing-Dude. The voice of
Sam Kinnison, the genius of Matt Howrath, and the ability to brow-beat some
goof into intelligent action with enough brutality to make the LAPD look
like a kindergarden squad.
And he knew full well that SBD would also be willing to come on this quest for
two reasons. To find Writer-With-Integrity, and to find out for sure if he
really did make time with that piece of tail with a tail.
The summons went out as he dialed on the phone...
Lost Cause Boy was portrayed by Douglas P Wojtowicz
Panta is Hubert Bartels' character.
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From: 003...@ace.acadiau.ca (STEPHANE ANDRE SAVOIE)
Subject: INTEGRITY QUEST: Interlude
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 11: retcons galor!
"Aaaaaaargh!"
Kid Anarky woke up screaming. Wew! Yup. Here he was, still in bed.
"What a nightmare!" he pondered. "Geeze! Lost Cause Boy, and Panta!
And a..a "woody"! That was digusting! It'll teach me to eat
CheeseCake before I go to bed. Last time I hang out with CheeseCake-Eater Lad'
Putting on his costume, he thought "Hmm. Maybe I'll go see how LCB's
doing. Just to be sure he, like, hasn't been kidnapped by aliens or
anything. Yeah, that's it..."
He stepped out into the hallway just in time to meet Panta stepping out
of LCB's room.
"Oh, hi Kid Anarky. Sleep well?"
"You... you... you and Lost Cause Boy... you guys didn't..."
"What? No... no! You insensitive moron! No, we 'didn't'! Is that
the first thing that comes to your mind?! He invited me to his room and we
cuddled. Is that alright by your moral standards, Mr. Self-Righteous
Preacher Wannabe?! WE CUDDLED! At least someone had the kindness to get
me out of those dreadful 'mutant-guest-quarter'! Hmmph!"
Panta lifted her nose to KA, stepping around him to get to the bathroom
across the hall.
"Boy she looks good in the morning." pondered Kid Anarky. "Of course,
she looks good anytime...". Kid Anarky was having trouble concentrating.
He did have enough sense to know she was right, though. "What an idiot I am
for assuming...that. What an idiot I am for not helping her myself. Of
course, I'me happily married, and... NO! I NOT! What am I
thinking? Good lord!"
A few minutes later, as Kid Anarky angsted, Panta stepped out of the
bathroom, a distrought look on her face.
"Hey Panta, I'm really really sorry. Um, is something wrong?"
"Hmm? Oh no! No, not at all. It's not as if, oh... an editor had
visited me during the night and had manipulated me into his clutches or
anything like that... Definitely not. I'm a bit upset because... Rebel
Yell just died, and the funeral's today. Yeah, that's it!" explained
Panta, with a look resembling that of a small child who was wondering if
her parents had realized she had broken something and was lying about it.
"Oh, good. Gee do you think going to the funeral is a good idea?
Who knows what could happen." pondered KA.
"Oh sure." explained Panta, "It's not as if, oh I don't know, as a
result of it, LNHer will be set against LNHer, resulting in all our deaths
except for Cheese-Cake Eater Lad, and possibly Ultimate Ninja, who'd doubtlessly
fake his own death. I mean, what are the odds?"
"Good point!" exclaimed Kid Anarky, with a look of relief on his face.
"Well, you go get dressed, and we'll all go to the funeral together."
Nodding, Panta turned and went into some free guest quarters room stealthily,
her bell jingling along as she crept. "Gee, what a sweet kid. So sensitive
for the death of some guy she never met..." Kid Anarky thought out loud as
he headed downstairs. On the way down he met Graves heading upstairs,
with what resembled incredibly like a Liefeld-esque gun not-so-well-hidden
behind his back. "Umm, Rats in the basement, sirrr." mumbled Graves as he
pushed past KA, continuing upstairs.
In the living-room, Lost Cause Boy was pondering what he had seen a few
moments ago. Graves had been sneaking upstairs carrying a ridiculously
large gun, shouting "You'll never escape my grasp! I'll get you, Panta, if
it's the Last Thing I Ever Do! Bwaahahahahaha!"
Looks like it was time to take the situation into his own hands...
Lost Cause Boy was created by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Kid Anarky was inflated by Stephane Savoie
Panta was paper-plated by Hubert Bartels
and Graves is hated by everybody.
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From: U16...@uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: INTEGRITY QUEST: WHO R-RATED LCB? (Rated PG)
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest- part 12: Who R-Rated LCB?! (Rated PG)
(Last Issue, Lost Cause Boy's honest and truely affectionate feelings for
Panta suddenly got nearly perverted into a low grade sex-farce. However-
nothing happened by way of intercourse- yet, as he reaches to the phone to
brag, a realization hit him...)
"WAIT A MINNIT!" Lost Cause Boy threw down the phone receiver. "I'm not the
kind of guy to go bragging to everyone about making time with some girl."
He rubbed his chin, rebooting the old listing of what occurred before, frowning
as he looked at it. Kid Anarky walked in and nearly dropped his jaw as he
saw what was going on.
"You wrote that!?!?!" Anarky yelled.
LCB waved KA's voice down. "Ssshhhhhh!! Something's seriously wrong here.
When I first saw her, I admit some sexual arousal, but I got won over with
sympathy for the poor thing. And now..."
"But who could have done this?" Anarky asked. "And could you ask him to do
this for me?"
LCB jammed the Power Girl mini-series into Anarky's mouth, shutting him up for
a few moments as he looked at the printout. "Hmmmm. Seeing as how DeFacto got
in, he must have had some inside contact..."
LCB looked up, hearing someone enter the room. It was Ultimate Ninja,
tired, brow-beaten, in general not feeling well due to the death of Rebell
Yell. Yet, he still kept his heroic pose. "Listen, the LNH is going into
action. We'll need someone to watch LNH HQ. Could you have your butler..."
"Our butler? But I thought he was your..." Anarky began. He froze. "Yeah,
sure, we'll let him watch the HQ. Go ahead. We'll make sure everything's
alright."
Ultimate Ninja's voice held a renewed timbre as he shook the hands of the two
young Net.heroes. "Fine. Just make sure nothing like that 'woody'
thing happens again. Ever. Comprende?" Ultimate Ninja's hand tensed on
his Ginsu Katana's hilt while stressing that last part. LCB and KA both
nodded vigourously.
Ultimate Ninja grabbed LCB by the collar and pulled him a little closer.
"You say the 'W'-word one more time without referring to that actor from
cheers or a certain Walter Lance Woodpecker and.."
"I know. I know. Everything's under control right now," LCB said, shaken.
Ultimate Ninja left the room, leaving the newest LNHers to wish Rebel Yell
were still around.
Anarky looked at Lost Cause Boy. "Now what?"
Lost Cause Boy's constantly changing outfit suddenly stabilized. A leather
biker's jacket, a sharp cornered fu manchu mustache, and a flat top haircut
styled so sharply it could cut shoe leather three inches thick. One eye was
huge and dialated, the other squinted, and a gleeful smile the one gets when
one punts infants twenty-five yards crossed his face.
"Now we're going after Graves. Bugtown style..."
----
Lost Cause Boy was steamed by Graves and raised by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Kid Anarky was awed by Panta, and dazed by Stephane Savoie.
Ultimate amazed LCB, and was phased by wReam. Copyright 1994, Hubert Bartels
--
Hubert Bartels INTERNET: h...@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu
Optical Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 FAX: (602)-621-4416
University of Arizona "Miya, miya, miya, miya, miya, miya, miya, miya..."
Tucson, AZ, USA 85721 Ryo-oh-ki, the cat-rabbit-spaceship in Tenchi Muyou.