RACCCafe: The Cafe Is Open!
David Van Domelen
"...aaaaand cut! That's a print, people. Break for lunch, anyone in
Scene 20.3 be back by one, okay?" announced the director.
"Hey, you can stop kicking me now," Squidman noted, stepping away and
rubbing his sore posterior.
"Sorry, just got into it," shrugged Hans, pulling off his fedora and
trenchcoat and handing them to the costumer's assistant while Squidman pulled
off his mask. "Damn, it's hot in this outfit."
"Don't complain to me, Hans, I'm the one wearing the full head rubber
mask and padded costume," Squidman noted as he struggled to pull the
squid-head mask off his face. "At least this is my last scene today, and my
regular series isn't even scheduled for shooting the next issue yet. Hope it
cools down some before the screenwriter gets time to work on it."
"Yeah, I'm not in the rest of this episode either," Hans replied,
signing for the street clothes part of his costume that he was just going to
wear home. "Guess I'll stop at the RACCCafe on the way to the apartment."
"Hold on a sec, lemme get into real clothes and I'll join you. I need
about a gallon of something cold and wet after being in this monkey suit."
============================================================================
WELCOME TO THE RACCCAFE! Original idea gleaned from one of the threads
on RACC currently, I'm sure the creator will step forward (or hide, not sure
which), and it's a darn good idea, I think.
Rob Furr's already explained at length about the Authors' Altiverse
system in Superguy, and the RACCCafe is similar in that it's a place to blow
off steam, ignore continuity and characterization, be silly and interact in a
consequence-free environment. However, where AA is, as the name says, for
Authors, the RACCCafe is for characters to unwind after a hard day being
mangled by their writers, and while writers (and Authors) are free to visit
as well, they should keep in mind that a LOT of characters don't much like
their writers and will...express it.
Of course, this will be a somewhat controlled anarchy, lest it engender
bad feelings that it's supposed to be defusing. I'll suggest a few ground
rules in this post, although people are free to suggest alterations or
additions.
Da Rules
1) No continuity. That means that events in the RACCCafe will not have
any impact on regular stories, although those in imprints more susceptible to
fourth-wall-breaking may make the occasional reference. Absolutely NO
crossovers between RACCCafe and regular stories, please.
2) You must actively volunteer your characters for use in the RACCCafe.
Given the nature of this setting, you're likely to see your characters
gleefully mangled by other writers in the same way Authors get mangled,
turned into turf, etc in AA stories. Once you stick your head into the
blender, you're giving people permission to turn it on. But no one should
grab you and stuff your head into the blender against your will. This bears
summarizing in big letters:
ANYONE WHO JOINS IN IS FAIR GAME, LEAVE EVERYONE ELSE ALONE
3) Characterization isn't too important, but try to pay attention to
what has gone before, unless ignoring it would be funnier. For example, I'm
putting Squidman and Hans Kartoffelkopf in as the actors who play the
characters, so they're not likely to act like they do "on screen." In fact,
Hans's actor may be sick of being asked to "do Hans" off-camera by fans, and
do something violent and funny to the next character to ask. Other writers
may being their characters in completely in-character. This is another
reason to follow rule #2, since the first person to write a character into
the Cafe gets to decide the new personality...and that really should be the
person currently writing the character (or his designated proxy).
4) Follow most of the advice about AA as well. Power tripping is bad,
drama is pointless, etc. But don't worry about things like the Next Block,
since there's zero continuity here, it doesn't matter if two writers pick up
the same idea and run opposite directions with it. Maybe one of them's using
a stunt double, or time travel is involved, or no explanation is needed
because there ain't no continuity.
=============================================================================
"He done yet?" Hans asked.
"Yeah. And we're stealing this joke from the scene we just shot, you
realize?" Squidman replied.
"Big hairy whoop. Waiter? Yeah, gimme a froppuccino."
"Don't you mean frappuccino?" Squidman looked at the menu in puzzlement.
"I meant what I said."
"What's in it?"
"If you have to ask, you don't wanna know...ah, thanks," Hans took the
oddly sparking and bubbling drink from the waiter, who wore a fixed smile and
clenched an unlit pipe between his too-perfect teeth. He took a sip and
Squidman's head exploded. "Damn, that's good...."
Mike Friedman
"What do you mean I can't smoke in here?" blared a disgruntled
husky, the cigarette still hanging from his mouth.
The man behind the bar wiped the counter. "We are a trendy
art-house cafe," he replied in a snobbish French accent. "We are not
some dive bar in a dark alley."
"Look, Paco," the dog retorted. "Who put you up to this. You
let people's heads explode, but you don't like me smoke?"
"My name is not Paco, sir. It is Jean-Jaques-Claude-Luc. Let
me show you 'Da Rules' by our esteemed creator, Dvandom."
The man pulled out a weathered parchment, which was in surprisingly
bad shape for something just posted not even a day before.
"Let me see that," yelled Arvie, ripping it out of his hands.
"Blah blah blah ... no continuity ... blah blah," muttered the
dog as he examined the fine caligraphy.
"See? I must ask you to leave," said Jean-Jaques-Claude-Luc with
his hands on his hips, his all black outfit and scraggly goatee highlighting
his skin-and-bones appearance.
"It says no such thing, you moron," Arvie replied, blowing a
large cloud of smoke in the man's direction.
"But ... I ..."
"Who the hell are you anyway?" Arvie growled. "I haven't seen you
on any imprint. You're not from CyberNet, are you?"
"I'm an all-new all-different character," replied the man.
"Well, you are quite annoying," continued Arvie. "This ain't
supposed to be no art-house. Gimme a Budweiser, now."
"No. I refuse."
"Do I really have to put up with this," Arvie asked the heavens
above.
[Author's note: I better keep him happy. I don't want him going on strike
like Trux and Spite Grrrl. He's my only hope, Obi-Wan ... whoops. Er, what
was I saying?]
Suddenly, Jean-Jaques-Claude-Luc's head blew up, and his entrails
were immediately cleaned up by the CleanerBot that was installed when no
one was looking.
"Great," yelled Squidman. "Now we have no bartender!"
***
And so, that is how Arvie got a part-time job as bartender of the
RACCafe in between issues of his mega-hit CROSSROADS title. He makes a
pretty good Screwdriver. Not too much vodka, not too much orange juice.
=============================================================================
Arvie, CleanerBot, and Jean-Jaque-Claude-Luc are now open game for the
RACCafe. So what if Jean-Jaque-Claude-Luc is dead?
- Mike, because I felt like it.
--
Michael Friedman | "You tried your best, and you failed miserably.
Happy to Serve You! | The lesson is: never try."
hri...@NOeyrieSPAM.org | - Homer Simpson.
REMOVE THE "NO SPAM" TO REPLY| HOMEPAGE: http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/hrivnak
Kyle Lucke
In article <5rqpvr$c...@pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu>,
David Van Domelen <dva...@pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu> wrote:
>
> "He done yet?" Hans asked.
> "Yeah. And we're stealing this joke from the scene we just shot, you
>realize?" Squidman replied.
> "Big hairy whoop. Waiter? Yeah, gimme a froppuccino."
> "Don't you mean frappuccino?" Squidman looked at the menu in puzzlement.
> "I meant what I said."
> "What's in it?"
> "If you have to ask, you don't wanna know...ah, thanks," Hans took the
>oddly sparking and bubbling drink from the waiter, who wore a fixed smile and
>clenched an unlit pipe between his too-perfect teeth. He took a sip and
>Squidman's head exploded. "Damn, that's good...."
>
Hans set his drink down, and shook his head. "What a mess. Waiter, would
you mind?"
The waiter's back stiffened, and he stopped walking away from the table.
The waiter continued to stand where he had stopped, neither walking
toward Hans's table or walking away.
Hans began to get perturbed. First the damn fedora, now an unresponsive
waiter. "See here, I asked you to clear this man's brains from the table.
I'm sure I'm not the only one here who doesn't want to look at Squidman's
innards."
The waiter sighed, turned around, and approached the table. Hans took
a closer look at the waiter's face. "Cheeezarr?" he asked.
The waiter removed the unlit pipe from his mouth, and sighed again. "I
was hoping the pipe would keep anyone from noticing me. Hey, glasses
work for Superman, right?"
"I suppose so... can I ask what you're doing here?" Hans was baffled.
Surely someone who'd starred in two different LNH series didn't need to
be working as a waiter.
"I gave up waiting for my writer to ever write me back in to a series.
I mean, Cheeez Corps has been on hiatus for so long, I bet no one even
remembers it any more. And I wasn't even an active member for the last
few issues! A guys got to do something to earn a living," Cheeezarr
explained while sopping up Squidman's brains with a wet cloth. He
picked up the body, and threw it in a nearby trash can. "No one will
miss that."
A look of hope crossed Cheeezarr's face. "Hey Hans, you think I could
get a part in Dvandom Force?"
"Uh well..."
* * *
Kyle Lucke...
someone's gotta remember, right?
--
Kyle Lucke | Author of Moose Man on alt.comics.lnh & racc
ky...@eyrie.org | Homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~kyle/
klu...@ibm.net | Admin for the LNH WWW Roster at:
klu...@vnet.ibm.com | http://www.eyrie.org/~kyle/lnh_roster/master.html
Kieran O'Callaghan
On 1 Aug 1997 00:24:01 -0700, Cornelius Goetz von Olenhusen
<in5...@public.uni-hamburg.de> wrote:
>David Van Domelen <dva...@pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu> wrote:
>
>
>> Da Rules
>
>> 1) No continuity. That means that events in the RACCCafe will not have
>>any impact on regular stories, although those in imprints more susceptible to
>>fourth-wall-breaking may make the occasional reference. Absolutely NO
>>crossovers between RACCCafe and regular stories, please.
>
>Hear, hear! I completely agree with this. But I would go even further:
>There should be no references, no inside-jokes, and no sly winks about
>events in the cafe in the stories. If Example-Character Lad always gets hit
>over the head with a rubber chicken in the cafe, there should NOT be a
>restaurant scene in Example-Character-Lad #287 where he complains that, for
>some reason, he doesn't like coq au vin as much as he used to!
The problem that I see with this is that people are going to
come up with some good Ideas while they're playing around. I mean
it's amazing what you can come up with when you just relax and free
associate. So, if someone gets a brilliant, never to be equaled again
idea while they're writing for the RACCCafe (RACCafe? I kind of like
the name, but Hard RACC cafe is pretty nice too), they're going to
want to use it in their own series. I'm not trying to be pessimistic,
it's just a rule that _will_ be broken. Maybe with some very
interesting results.
Hey, maybe Example-Character Lad can get a job in the plot
convenience store. By the way, have you ever heard of Limp Asparagus
Lad? Around these parts, you have to be careful when you shoot your
mouth off, you might kill someone.
Kieran O'Callaghan
http://www.tiac.net/users/kieran
kie...@tiac.net
rsf...@uncg.edu
In article <33e1cdad...@news.tiac.net>, Kieran O'Callaghan
<kie...@tiac.net> writes:
> The problem that I see with this is that people are going to
>come up with some good Ideas while they're playing around. I mean
>it's amazing what you can come up with when you just relax and free
>associate. So, if someone gets a brilliant, never to be equaled again
>idea while they're writing for the RACCCafe (RACCafe? I kind of like
>the name, but Hard RACC cafe is pretty nice too), they're going to
>want to use it in their own series. I'm not trying to be pessimistic,
>it's just a rule that _will_ be broken. Maybe with some very
>interesting results.
I can't see that this is a problem. Over on Superguy, during those times that
we have had an active AA presence, the episodes that we wrote in AA were
usually *so* divergent from any possible heroic-world plots that any ideas we
had were either impossible to swipe from, or so trivially easy that ten lines
of setup in a given heroic-world story would allow almost any of the gags to
be used.
What Dvandom's probably saying, rather, is that you shouldn't send, say, Crazy
Guy through this cafe concept in the course of the regular Crazy Guy series,
and have events there be in continuity. If Dvandom writes a cafe episode in
which Crazy Guy goes out and gets stinking plastered to the point where he
winds up getting married to a hedge, and it turns out well enough that Dvandom
wants to incorporate the sequence in his regular series, there's probably
nothing wrong with Dvandom taking his cafe text, revising it slightly to
remove all references to the cafe, and slapping it in a regular post.
However, I *sincerely* doubt that too many usable-in-continuity ideas will
appear. There's only so much you can swipe from a slapstick, anything-goes
environment.
(And, lastly, as I tried to indicate in my SGA, AA is kind of risky, but for a
different reason than the above. Unless you keep a good, strong eye on it and
similar things, it can (and I would bet that the cafe concept *would*) lead to
something that would dramatically reduce (even further) any text output on the
newsgroup. I speak of the horror known as ... *channelling*. (dramatic chord).
Or, to put it another way, an abandonment of writing stories for creeping
multiple-participant Marvel-style soap operaism. Be warned. They're coming!
Soylent Green is *PEOPLE*!)
---
Rob Furr's .sig is at http://www.uncg.edu/~rsfurr/
TIFFER003
Example Character Lad screeched, running out of the cafe. I walked in. I
was looking for Squid Man.... I had a reason but in a world without
continuity, this would be very difficult to tell. So, to avoid the rules,
I sat down and ordered.... "Milk."
Several communal gasps came from several bartenders. They were known
only as the Bert(And Ernie) Fershiners, and they wore tube tops. I knew
this because I'm 1: narrarating, 2:I just created them, and 3: There were
only eight people I knew who wore tube tops: These guys and Manga Girl.
"Excuse me?" Squidman sat down next to me.
"Oh, wait.... I'm here for you.... where's my milk?"
"Coming write up... sir. Get it? Write up?"
"Listen. I'm pissed. "
"Who are you?" Squid Man asked.
"Chris Ireland," I lied.
Squid Man fainted.
My work here was done. Suddenly, The Bert(And Ernie) Fershners
blocked the doorway. "We're sorry, Mr. Ireland, but there is a warrant out
for your arrest."
"What?"
"The Continuity Police will be here shortly."
"Aw, crap.....I'm not Chris Ireland. I'm Tom Russell."
"If they let you in here.... no! I don't beleive it!"
"Fine.... hey! Knights!" The Atomic Knights walked in thru the
door. "Bust me out of here."
"No way. I'm tired."
"Me too."
Aw, Gahd.... even my serious characters are ganging up on
me. "Morgan!" Morgan Le Fab busted open the door.
"You think I'm going to help YOU? I have better things to
do..."
It looked like I was going to be here a very long time.....
Everybody I've created can be used in RACCCafe, as well as those I've
reserved.
National Aaron Space Museum
Mike Friedman <hri...@eyrie.org> wrote:
> Suddenly, Jean-Jaques-Claude-Luc's head blew up, and his entrails
> were immediately cleaned up by the CleanerBot that was installed when no
> one was looking.
> "Great," yelled Squidman. "Now we have no bartender!"
>
> ***
>
> And so, that is how Arvie got a part-time job as bartender of the
> RACCafe in between issues of his mega-hit CROSSROADS title. He makes a
> pretty good Screwdriver. Not too much vodka, not too much orange juice.
***
"Hey."
"Hey."
"How was your weekend?"
"Ah, same old, same old. My life has been about as exciting as a dud
froppuccino. How's about you?"
"I have no idea. I haven't had a weekend in going on a year." Twister
paused his exposition to open the door to the RACCCafe. What he saw --
four patrons, one with an exploded head, an mysterious robot scurrying
away and a smoking dog behind the bar -- didn't strike him as terribly
unusual. "What the hell's going on in here?"
The bartending dog looked up at him in the middle of mixing a Manhattan.
"I'm the bartender. The French guy blew up. Name's Arvie."
"Great. Well, I'm Twister, but you can call me Carlos. I'm a waiter.
This's Liefeld's Porpoise, whom you can call Liefeld's Porpoise or LP.
He's the bouncer."
"Hi," said LP.
"Whenever I work the night shift, I have a Weasely Bastard before the rush
comes in. So set me up."
"Alright. You of age?"
"Do you really care?"
"No, not really. But what on Earth is a Weasely Bastard?"
"It's on here." Twister reached behind the counter and produced an index
card with a list of drink-making instructions. "It's got a bunch of
special ingredients from the plot-convenience store."
The door suddenly swung open, and in walked a six-foot tall guy with red
hair and glasses. "Twister! LP! How've you been? I--" He was cut off
as a massive hole appeared in his chest. He wasn't in pain so much as
disbelief as many of his vital organs leapt from the hole to the bar and
started a conga line.
"That was really uncalled for." He glared at the giant laser which
protruded from the opposite wall, below a sign which read "Carlos's Cavity
Creator". "You *know* how they get after a long weekend!" He did his
best to scoop up the rebellious organs and stuff them back into place
before the hole closed, but at least a couple got away. "It hasn't been
*that* long, guys. Really. It should be real soon wh--" The laser went
off again, and several organs went to find their friends. "Don't you guys
have jobs to do?"
The pair grumbled off to their respective posts as the object of their
aggresion sat down on a bar stool. "Gimme a dry martini. Supercollided,
not stirred. And who are you?"
"Arvie, the new bartender. So, let me guess. You an author?"
"Yeah, wh--" The laser blasted for a third time, allowing all the
slowpoke organs an easy chance for escape.
"Heh, heh. I love this job."
***
Aaron
All characters are owned by their respective creators and used with
permission. Twister and Liefeld's Porpoise are mine and available for use
within the Cafe. I am also mine and available for use within the Cafe,
provided my real name is not used.
--
take out the *'s when replying, I'm sure you know how this works by now...
TIFFER003
Somebody... please... let me out. I've been here for two days.... drinking
my milk... slipping... losing it. My name is Tom Russell, but no one
beleives me. They all think I'm Chris Ireland. Well, THat's because I told
them I was Chris Ireland but that's besides the point and now I want out
of this blasted cafe'. My characters... turned against me. I'm losing my
grip.... only one chance.... my last chance... remains. Penny.
This is scary. My last chance comes down to a character I've written
once, for a not so popular imprint. I'm a writer.... and my last chance is
a supermodel by day, and superhero by night. It's time to write in Penny
Bikini, the Sexy and Sensational Silver Sparrow to my aid.I haven't
developed her character yet... perhaps there's still a chance that SHE
won't turn against me.....
She enters the door. "I'm looking for... Chris Ireland." Everyone
fainted(yet again.... despite the fact that continuity doesnot exist.) She
walked up to me, realizing I didn't faint. "So you're the bloody harbinger
of death," she said crossly. Ohoh. I didn't develop her to use words like
harbinger of death...
"No... I was just pertending to be Chris Ireland, to settle a score I
can't mention with Squidman because we exist outside continuity... wait a
minute! Didn't it say in the Stomper Files that htere's no way the authors
can transport into the various RACC universes?"
"Yes.. but that doesn't count because continuity doesn't exist."
"Oh crap. Could you help me escape?"
"Well, it looks like everybody's out cold... sure."
'WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" a voice called. It was Frost. "She has more
cleavage than me! That's not fair! I'M suppose to be the baddest bad girl
busty babe!"
"Move aside, sister!"
"I ain't your sister!!!"
They start to fight. I could take this oppurtunity to leave, but
just then Grim and Gritty walk in and turn the musty floor into mud. Let's
see.... escape.... mud wrestling cat fight...... escape.... mud wrestling
cat fight....
Tom
Russell
Writing too much for the cafe
today...
The Lone Warrior
In article <5s1u4q$d4b$4...@rzsun02.rrz.uni-hamburg.de>, Cornelius Goetz von Olenhusen <in5...@public.uni-hamburg.de> wrote:
>Cornelius,
>Who hopes this wasn't out of line, and observes that his RACCCafe alter-ego
>seems to develop a nasty streak, but at least isn't dumb as toast. Well not
>quite.
>
Nasty streak? *Your* RACCafe alter-ego has a nasty streak? Did
yours threaten somebody's life in the Cafe just over a misspelling? Or blow
him away just because he was a Typist?
But then, my alter-ego's not nasty... just psychotic. %)
--
Arsenal
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