[LNH] [REPOST] (sort of) Newsreader's Digest: Digital JUMP! #1-3
Andrew Perron
explain first.
Back in 2008, in Russell's Reviews v1 #10, Tom Russell threw down the
gauntlet and proposed "Newsreader's Digest" versions of RACC stories.
These would be super-condensed versions, with the challenge to jettison
as much of the text as possible while still keeping a coherent,
entertaining story.
Lately, I've been thinking about the Special Edition problem. A
creator whose skills have sharpened over time often looks back at their
early works and says, "Jeez. Maybe I should tidy those up a bit."
However, this often results in an end product that lacks the things
that endeared people to the original in the first place. Yet if you
don't do it, you face the possibility of people wanting to enjoy your
series from the beginning but being turned off by the lack of polish in
the early chapters.
My current favorite solution to this problem is a compromise; do a
revision that sticks to the spirit of the original, keep the original
available, but point newbies to the new version.
Then I realized that Tom's idea would make for an excellent
introductory revised version. After all, how better to stick to the
original than to use the words of the original? And it gives the
original a purpose by making it a value-added proposition.
Thus, I put this together: the Newsreader's Digest version of Digital
JUMP! #1-3. With #5 coming out soon, I figured it'd be good to catch
people up on the ongoing plot. (I'll be reposting #4 as well, without
any editing.)
So, without further ado:
PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
IN COLLABORATION WITH... MYSELF, ACTUALLY
From the files of the Molybdenum Age...
<---------------------->
Digital JUMP! #1-3
Written by Andrew Perron
Collected edition cover by Naru Nanao
<---------------------->
Cover has Kid Enthusiastic, Casey von Aluminumfoil, Like Rouge, Faded
Iron Master, Malachite Wendigo, the Militia leader, and the Baron
wearing cheerleader outfits and posing with their pom-poms to their
heads. At the bottom, it reads: "Guaranteed to contain LESS or your
money back!"
<---------------------->
-----------<>-----------
As the sun rose over the hills, the city began to waken. On one of the
hundreds of streets that crisscrossed Net.ropolis, a young boy was
rollerblading along the sidewalk, straight towards the LNH.
Now, any Net.ropolitan citizen can tell you that, although they love
(tolerate) their net.heroes, a non-net.hero hanging around in the
vicinity of LNHHQ is about as dangerous as you can get. Unless, of
course... you're going there to *become* a net.hero.
Fred looked up from his issue of Dfandom. The doors had opened, but he
didn't see anyone... except for the head of hair hovering in front of
the desk.
(I hope it's not Master Itt again,) he thought, looking down.
Up at him stared a face that couldn't possibly be more than 11 years
old. Unless the chronal energy adapter had shorted out again...
"Hi! I'd like to join the Legion of Net.Heroes, please!"
-----------<>-----------
The fact that he got an audience with Ultimate Ninja and Doctor Stomper
would seem preposterous to some. How could one expect a small child to
be up to the gargantuan task of holding up the torch of liberty?
First, the leader of the LNH knew that, if the flame of heroism burns
bright and strong, then even the worst failings of the flesh can be
overcome, and a true hero can emerge from the deepest of darks before
the dawn.
Second, references.
"So you're the son of Record Man and Sakura Woman." Ultimate Ninja
looked up at Doctor Stomper. "Who are...?"
"They were superheroes back in the 1960's," said Stomper. "Record Man
could duplicate any feat in the Guin.net Book of World Records, and
Sakura Woman was a Japa.netese heroine who could control wind and
flower petals. They dropped out of sight around 1978. I guess they
wanted to raise a family without worrying about the baby being taken
and sent into the future to be trained as the ultimate warrior, then
sent back as an angsty teenager to prevent the rise of a suppressive
world regime."
"Indeed. Thank you for the exposition, Doctor; you may go." Stomper
bowed, then headed back to the medbay.
"Well. James Takato Preponderation, age ten. Level of education....
high school?"
"I graduated from Infi.net.y Academy in August, sir!"
"Ah. One of... *those*." Ultimate Ninja muttered something about
fantasies and author avatars. "Superhuman abilities: none. How,
exactly, do you propose to be a net.hero?"
"Super-science gadgetry!" The boy's face turned thoughtful. "I also
have an encyclopedic knowledge of every Pokemon, but I'm not sure how
impressed super-villains are by that..."
The Master of Martial Arts rubbed his temples.
-----------<>-----------
James stood in the Peril Room while Multi-Tasking Man brought up
holographic testing program #362. The walls faded away into what
seemed to be a store of some kind. A voice boomed out from behind the
register.
"Beware, net.hero, for you bought your own doom when you went window
shopping in... THE MOST DANGEROUS GAMERS-nyo!"
These words came from an oddly-dressed girl behind the counter, who was
quickly joined by two more.
"Well, then," said James, his eye glinting, "guess I'll have to go on a
rampage..."
The three tensed up, their muscles coiling, every sense stretched to
ready for the attack...
"Ah, that was a good rampage!"
They fell over.
"We didn't even see him!" "He beat us singlehandedly!"
"He didn't do anything."
"Oh... right." They leapt into battle.
However, the proto-net.hero had not been idle. As the rabbit-eared
girl rushed towards him, he pulled the trigger on a hastily-assembled
ray gun, bathing her in burning light... and making her clothes fall
apart.
"GYAAAAAH!" She slapped him, then ran out of the room.
He fell back and narrowly dodged a punch from the green-haired girl.
She stopped short as the ray played over her, having been reversed and
reflected by a handy mirror, and her dress expanded to cover both mouth
and eyes.
Leaping over the girl, James skated toward his only remaining
opponent-- but...
"...no. No! Too... CUTE!" He had
ONLY.
ONE.
CHANCE.
So, he gave her a cookie.
She toddled off, nibbling at it.
"I did it!"
"..." said Multi-Tasking Man.
-----------<>-----------
James stood proudly as he was given his official LNH belt buckle,
decoder ring, and Lollipop Hut coupon.
"So," remarked Cheesecake Eater Lad, "what are you going to call
yourself?"
"From this day forward, I will be known to the world at large as...
KID ENTHUSIASTIC!"
And he went to get some bread.
But as he stepped from the hero-kissed foyer, a voice called out.
"Aha, a net.hero steps from the mouth of the dungeon! Such a unique
will surely net many experience points for...
LIKE ROUGE!"
-----------<>-----------
end issue #1
<---------------------->
begin issue #2
-----------<>-----------
"Gasp! It's a net.villain, right here on the steps of LNH HQ! How
foolish!"
"Quiet, you! What are you supposed to do if you don't go into the
dungeon? Scum for singing happy drunks?"
"I'll stop you before these jokes can get any more in!"
"Hah! It's unlikely that the RNG will grant you that chance!" The
villain pulled out a glass bottle, filled with mysterious, glowing red
liquid.
You feel yourself moving faster!
You have no more Crimson Potions of Speed.
You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
Kid Enthusiastic staggered back from the volley of blows. "Two can play
at that game!" He flipped a switch on his rollerblades. Tiny rockets
sprung out and ignited, shooting him around the net.villain (who was
dressed in medieval leathers, and wore a backpack filled with random
this and that). "Have at you!" he shouted, jousting with a stun lance.
Like Rouge dodged and, as the hero passed, shot him in the back with a
sling.
Kid E spun out and crashed, landing in the LNH recycling bins. Covered
in spam, discarded gzip files and Tsumemon, he woozily pushed himself
up on one arm. "ah, ganging up on me, c'mon I'll take all seven of
you..." He fell over.
Laughing evilly, the villain advanced upon the helpless young hero,
pulling a steel rod engraved with alchemical symbols from his pack.
"Well fought! But no minion of Morgoth can escape my at-sign!"
James groggily pointed behind the bad guy. "hey, wuzzat?"
"Hah! You won't fool me! ...but wait, it's a cliche to say that and
then fall prey to a real attack! HA! ...but the author could be going
for the double-irony joke and have him defeat me while my back is
turned. But is he really smart enough? I suppose if he puts it into
my dialouge, he must be aware of the humor value, but if I'm already
talking about it it's much too obvious..."
"Sounds like a dilemma. Maybe you should sleep on it!"
"No, I think I can... huh?"
*GA-BONK!*
The person who really *had* been sneaking up behind him dropped the
brick as Like Rouge slumped forward. He wore a black bomber jacket
with flames blazing along the bottom edge, black jeans and aviator
goggles. His skin was Caucasian-y and his hair was brown and spiky.
Bending over, he helped the younger net.hero up.
Kid Enthusiastic brushed the dust off his beige jumpsuit (with a domino
mask) and smiled. "Ah, you must be my new sidekick!"
"...eh?" He blinked. "Er, no. I'm here to join the--"
"Hmmmm, outfit's good, a little flashy but that's what being a
net.hero's about. What about a name, maybe 'Fat Chocobo' or 'Lad
Happyman'... Do you have dead parents? I could adopt you as my ward!"
"You're half my age! Anyway, how could I be your sidekick? I haven't
even joined the LNH yet!"
"I'm sure we could work out something under the table. You don't mind
being paid in turkey on rye, do you?"
"...right, I'm not carrying this conversation any further. Much too
silly." With that, he stepped forward, didn't slip on a conveniently
placed banana peel, not causing him to crash into a rack of chocolate
cream pies and totally avoided skidding uncontrollably into the doors
of LNHHQ.
"Grrrrr! How normal! I won't forgive him for minus randomnity!" Exit
Kid Enthusiastic, pogoing after.
-----------<>-----------
We join our heroes... we join the people this series has been about so
far coming out of LNHHQ. Kid Enthusiastic was laughing, while the
unnamed black-clothing guy looked embarassed.
"I can't belive you *ate* the Einstein-Bose Quantum Flux Capacitance
Reverser!"
"How was I supposed to know it wasn't a pickle? Anyway, we have to do
that expositiony thing now."
"Oh, right." Kid E pulled a stack of index cards from the breast pocket
of his jumpsuit. "So! You have the power to predict the future. How
interesting!"
"Yes-but-only-short-glances. Also-I-can-read-people's-minds."
"Oh, I see. And can you tell what number I'm thinking?"
"No-because-it-would-be-a-Hitchhiker's-Guide-reference-and-that-is-a-
cliche."
"I see, I see! So what do you call yourself? You only mentioned your
real name, Casey von Aluminumfoil."
"Hmmm-I'm-not-sure-let-me-think-about-it-look-suddenly-over-your-
shoulder-and-say-'What's-that'?"
"I think that was a stage-- WHAT'S THAT?"
Dramatically, Kid Enthusiastic pointed at a black shape hanging in the
sky. The Superheroically Unnamed One shaded his eyes and looked up,
the image resolving into one of the strangest things he'd seen in the
last five minutes.
A large multi-propellered helicopter was hanging up in the sky. That
wasn't the weird part. The weird part was the convention center
dangling from the helicopter, a four-block-wide building pulled
hundreds of feet into the air.
"Gasp! Isn't the National Rifle Association's annual awards show being
held in the Net.ropolis Convention Center today?"
"...how do you *know* these things?"
"Mahayana Buddhism. Let's see what's going on! We can take the
Enthusiastic Plane!"
"You have your own AIRCRAFT?"
"Well..." Kid Enthusiastic pulled out a graphing calculator and began
to type. A tiny projector drew an image in flickering green light on
the air below. A pattern of crossed lines formed, followed by a point
marked (0,0), an x-axis, and a y-axis. Suddenly, it flashed and there,
floating at knee height, was a perfectly flat white square.
"...ah. I thought this would be called the Enthusiastic
Cross-Section."
"Nah, that's just hyperbola."
Finished with the math jokes, they climbed on the floating geometric
construct and flew off toward the sky-bound structure. Kid E took out
a pair of binoculars and scanned the chopper. "Hmmmmm, I've seen that
symbol somewhere before..."
Casey abruptly looked up and raised his hands to his head. James
looked at him, but puzzlement turned to surprise when he was tackled to
the surface of the plane, a hail of bullets passing through the space
where his head had been moments before.
"ow. Thanks."
"No problem - that's what precognition's for. That and cheating at
horse races."
"Indeed... but now I remember where I've seen that symbol! That's the
helicopter of...
THE PACIFIST MILITIA!"
-----------<>-----------
end issue #2
<---------------------->
begin issue #3
-----------<>-----------
The situation was tense. Half an hour ago, the convention had been
going along as smooth as sodium, when, like sodium, it exploded.
People throughout the crowd threw off cloaks to reveal sawed-off
shotguns (they'd sawed off the wrong end, but most of them had handguns
as well).
One man had gone to the podium and announced that the forces of
pacifism planned to stage a sit-in to protest the growing prominence of
violence in American culture and media. The members of the convention
were invited to join them in a completely non-compulsory fashion; any
who disagreed with the principles of the protest could walk out the
door. The fact that the door was several hundred feet up in the air
was waved off; after all, one had to deal with the consequences of
one's own actions.
Now things were calm, but only because they had given up; the
conventioneers were sitting down while the pacifist militiamen
meditated, tranquilly but watchfully. Their only companions were the
tinkle of water from artfully crafted fountains (running even though
the plumbing led off into nothingness), the rustle of the air
conditioning, and the cartoon bomb noise slowly getting louder.
The skylight exploded, showering those below with broken glass. In
flew two costumed heroes on a square of light, which disappeared as
they jumped to the floor.
"Stop right there!" shouted Kid Enthusiastic, which caused them all to
unstop and unload with predictable inaccuracy. He leapt into the air
and pulled a ripcord hanging from his waist. With a sudden *floomp*,
concentric rings of unidentified energy beamed from Kid E's boots. As
the enemy looked up uncomprehendingly, he drew two guns from his
jumpsuit. Tossing one to his compatriot, he opened up with a spray of
horseradish and sardine jellybeans!
As the lymph nodes of the first wave were scrambled by the misflavored
stream, the second wave leapt upon Casey, who awkwardly started
shooting. The gun began to play a hauntingly beautiful melody, and
everyone stopped to listen for a moment to the strange yet wonderful
tones.
Which, of course, left them wide open to the anvils.
Kid Enthusiastic's boot jets cut out and dropped him into the middle of
the wild melee. With the crazy spinny jello shuriken and the belt-fed
23mm submachine carrot, it looked like the heroes had the villains on
the run.
*flush* *tinkle* *rustle* *rustle* *BOOM*
The door to the men's room bulged and cracked, then exploded outward.
Out of the smoke stepped a man with a face that was at once beautiful
and cruel, with an expression like a mad god who has found a worm in
his apple. Snarling, he shouted, "What is the meaning of this?"
...This is a bad guy, just so you know.
The now-ragged leader of the Pacifist Militia pulled himself up.
"Who... who are you?"
A smirk. "You may call me..." *dramatic cape swish!* "Baron
MacNottherealvillain! And in the name of the Void... I'll destroy you
all!"
"Remainder of my legions! Shoot at him even though he just did
something impressive that would make it a really bad idea to!"
The few soldiers still standing raised their guns and let loose, but to
no avail. With another smirk, he waved his hand and sent the bullets
back, coinking the beleaugered militia in their collective heads and
mailing them next-day air to Unconciousness Land. "Fools! Don't you
know it's bad grammar to end a sentence with a preposition?"
"Actually, modern grammatarians discount-- eep!" The commandless
commander ducked beneath his podium.
"A *supervillain*!" Kid Enthusiastic faced the evil Baron. "What are
your dastardly plans, you fiendish... you evil... Hey!" The Baron,
paying no attention, was searching for something.
"Damn you, Ancient One.... Show yourself!" ("Oooh, there's an Ancient
One!" "Sssh!") "I know you're here... I know you want *this*!" He held
up a golden faucet, gleaming in the incandescent light.
*swishfwip!* The artifact sailed out of his hands and up into the
rafters, where a hooded, cloaked figure caught it. "Ha ha!" *BLAM*
"...ow."
"Hah! You don't think I'd be so foolish as to give you the *real*
Atavist of Water? No, I've got that in my *other* hand, here..."
*swishfwip!* "Aw crap."
The figure leapt to the floor and threw off his cloak. He was an older
man, with gray hair and mottled, wrinkly white skin. He wore a deep
blue coat and pants that shimmered in the artifical light.
"Evil will never win against Good! Especially Evil Magic, which is
what you are using, against Good Magic, which is what I am using!"
"So, then, Ancient One, you exposit so openly and yet still think to
maintain suspension of belief? Then have it your way... Die! And in
dying, suffer!" With that, the Baron sent bolts of Unidentified Dark
Energy at the old man. However, the Ancient One was obviously
prepared, as the blasts splashed off an invisible field. With one
hand, he gestured, summoning blue-white balls of energy; with the
other, he tossed the gold faucet over his shoulder.
As the old man launched his attack, another cloaked figure leapt from
the rafters, snatching the faucet and landing next to Kid Enthusiastic
and Casey.
"Come on!" it whispered to them.
"But we have to get those bystanders out of there--"
"First things first!" It wrapped one arm around each of them and *flew*
straight up and out the shattered skylight. They smashed through the
windshield of the helicopter, plowing through its pilots. "Quick, land
this thing!"
"What, are you kidding? I can't fly a helicopter!" shouted Casey, his
character design temporarily changing to a large head and two-foot-tall
body.
"...and you?" it said, looking at Kid Enthusiastic.
"Well, I flew during the War, but I don't think zeppelin training
applies here..."
"Ah. ...panic."
"AAAAAAGH! AAAAAUUUUGH AAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"OK, stop panicking." The mysterious figure sighed, and pulled its hood
down.
Casey considered the light coming in through the shattered window very
lucky, as it fell on smooth, tanned skin, plush red lips, auburn hair
that shone like liquid...
Kid Enthusiastic quietly wiped the drool off.
"I suppose..." She knelt next to one of the downed men and chanted.
Feathery wisps of light streamed from her hand into the prone body.
The pilot groaned and sat up... to find himself surrounded.
"Now, we're only going to ask this once..."
-----------<>-----------
By the time they got the building back on the ground, the flash and
bang of magick unleashed was reaching an intensity intolerable. The
heroes opened up the doors, the convention members spilling out. As
the last bad joke soldiers were dragged outside, something huge burst
out at tremendous speed, quickly disappearing in the distance.
They rushed in, to find the old man looking very pleased with himself.
"Looks like the Baron was all talk and no walk, Lord of the Sith-wise."
"Yes! And the Atavist of Water is right here!" The girl pulled out the
gold faucet and presented it to the man, who admired it for a moment...
then, eyes widening in shock, turned and
threw it across the room. There was a fireball, and nothing was left
of the artifact but ashes.
"...um, I'm guessing that was bad," Casey said.
"Very. That man is powerful, cunning, and evil, and if he gets the
other three Atavists--"
"He'll be able to take over the world?" said James, eyes shining.
"Exactly. I know you may not trust me, but I must ask--"
"Woo! Of course we'll help you save the world!" He pumped the elder's
hand up and down.
"Now wait a--"
"Not now! We have to hurry up and...
DO SOMETHING!"
-----------<>-----------
<---------------------->
Cover gallery:
<---------------------->
The cover of the first issue shows the screen of a 3-D fighting game.
The red-haired female fighter has just kicked the glasses-wearing male
character in the air, but the screen is frozen and the words "A New
Challenger Has Appeared!" hover there.
<---------------------->
The cover of the second issue is Edvard Munch's "The Scream", except
made entirely of tiny, ASCII letters, numbers, and symbols. In the
background, a man in a bomber jacket is standing, painted/typed in the
same impressionistic style.
<---------------------->
The cover of the third issue has two dark clouds with glowing eyes
standing in front of of a pulpit, with two scantily-clad girls in
wedding veils holding boquets and standing next to them. In the lower
right corner is a tiny James, holding a sign that says "No animals
harmed in the making of this comic."
<---------------------->
<---------------------->
Author's Note: What, are you kidding? There was a big long thing at
the beginning! Shoo!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, shoo! *waves apron*
Tom Russell
> Back in 2008, in Russell's Reviews v1 #10, Tom Russell threw down the
> gauntlet and proposed "Newsreader's Digest" versions of RACC stories. �
> These would be super-condensed versions, with the challenge to jettison
> as much of the text as possible while still keeping a coherent,
> entertaining story.
I had forgotten about that! I think you're the first person to
actually do it. I had to condense JOLT CITY, but found myself
stymied.
> You feel yourself moving faster!
> You have no more Crimson Potions of Speed.
> You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
> You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
Oh man! The first time I read this story, way back when, I was still
a Rogue-Like virgin, and had no idea what this was. Now that I'm
versed in the ways of Nethack, et al, I find it hihgly amusing. Such
is the power of geeky pop culture.
==Tom
Andrew Perron
> On Jan 20, 2:56�am, Andrew Perron <pwer...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> Back in 2008, in Russell's Reviews v1 #10, Tom Russell threw down the
>> gauntlet and proposed "Newsreader's Digest" versions of RACC stories. �
>> These would be super-condensed versions, with the challenge to jettison
>> as much of the text as possible while still keeping a coherent,
>> entertaining story.
>
> I had forgotten about that! I think you're the first person to
> actually do it. I had to condense JOLT CITY, but found myself
> stymied.
Yeah, I never found any others. I was helped along by the fact that I've
gotten way better at writing since 2002. (God, the number of unnecessary
"he stood up and"s in this.)
>> You feel yourself moving faster!
>> You have no more Crimson Potions of Speed.
>> You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
>> You hit the Novice Net.Hero.
>
> Oh man! The first time I read this story, way back when, I was still
> a Rogue-Like virgin, and had no idea what this was. Now that I'm
> versed in the ways of Nethack, et al, I find it hihgly amusing. Such
> is the power of geeky pop culture.
Hah! Awesome. I almost cut that, but decided it was integral to Like
Rouge's gag.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, changed her from one kind of video game
parody to another.
Scott Eiler
> On Jan 20, 2:56 am, Andrew Perron <pwer...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > Back in 2008, in Russell's Reviews v1 #10, Tom Russell threw down the
> > gauntlet and proposed "Newsreader's Digest" versions of RACC stories.
> > These would be super-condensed versions, with the challenge to jettison
> > as much of the text as possible while still keeping a coherent,
> > entertaining story.
>
> I had forgotten about that! I think you're the first person to
> actually do it. I had to condense JOLT CITY, but found myself
> stymied.
Does it count if I always write ultra-condensed style? My challenge
is usually, *add* enough text to make it read like a story. 8{D>
Andrew Perron
> Does it count if I always write ultra-condensed style? My challenge
> is usually, *add* enough text to make it read like a story. 8{D>
Didn't we tell you? Your prize for winning High Concept #5 is a gift card
to Adjective Hut.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, originally known as just "Hut".