usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #11
Arthur Spitzer
THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE #11
By Arthur Spitzer
"Hank could feel the Old Lady in the red bikini stroking his mustache!
And that's when the raft turned over and everyone fell out into the
water! All of them!"
"And that's when the shark's with Santa Claus hats came! All of them!
The sharks ate everyone! Everyone! And the sharks took back the bones
of their victims to the Santa Claus Shark Jamboree and made the bones
into musical instruments! Magical musical instruments! All of them!
And the sharks played their magical instruments and had ice cream
sandwiches and root beer floats at the Jamboree!"
"And all of the sharks wearing Santa Claus hats lived happily ever after!"
"The End!"
"And that's the end of my Book Report!" said a nine-year old by the name
of Mookie Mustard smiling as he stood in front of his 3rd grade class.
At first there was silence, as if no one knew quite what to say to that.
And then the cheering began. All of Mookie's classmates started
chanting, "Mookie! Mookie!" Some chanted, "Encore!" Some chanted,
"You Are God!" But they were all cheering at the top of their lungs,
standing on chairs, and banging their desks with their feet.
Mookie's 3rd Grade Teacher, Mrs. Booyah, tried to calm her students
down. She spoke with her loud voice. "Settle Down Children!" And then
she looked at Mookie. "Dear Lord, Mookie. That was Wonderful! That
maybe the most beautiful book report I've ever heard. I..." A teardrop
fell from Mrs. Booyah's eye. She wiped it with her finger and then
looked at her hand. Her hand had four fingers and a thumb! Four
fingers and a thumb! "Dear Lord, Mookie! My leprosy! My leprosy!
You've cured me! You've cured my leprosy!!" Her hand touched her
scalp. She felt hair. Her scalp had hair! "I have hair! You've cured
my baldness! Oh god, Mookie! Do you realize what your book report can
do? It can perform miracles! Miracles, Mookie! Miracles! You know
what this means?"
Mookie shook his head.
"It means the whole world must hear your book report, Mookie! We must
share it with the world, Mookie! For it will save us all! We have too!"
"Okay," said Mookie.
"We're going to Washington, DC, class!" shouted Mrs. Booyah. "Right now!"
"Yay!" shouted the class.
==+++==
11 days later...
"I want to thank you, Mookie -- for what your book report has done for
our country," said George W Bush. "It has single handedly reversed
every stupid thing I've done in the past 8 years! It helped us win the
Iraq War and create a lasting Middle East Peace. It helped us fix New
Orleans and helped us bring back our economy while also erasing the
deficit. And instead of the World hating America everyone loves us!
Your book report has saved this country, Mookie! And that's why I'm
giving you this medal!"
"Cool," said Mookie has he put the medal around his neck.
"In fact, I think maybe you should be King of the World. You'd make a
much better King of the World than I have. What do you say, Mookie? Do
you want to be King of the World?"
"I guess," said Mookie.
"That's great." George Bush removed the crown from his head and put it
on Mookie. "I crown you, King Mookie the First! All Hail King Mookie!"
Everyone cheered.
"And now I must go, King Mookie. I must go to the Valley of the History
Books where my Legacy shall be judged. Good Luck, King Mookie!" said
George W Bush.
"Bye," said Mookie.
==+++==
22 years later...
There was a big bed. A very big bed. A bed for a king. The Bed was
the size of the Louisiana Superdome. But it wasn't the biggest bed ever
for there was another bed even bigger than this bed. For this bed was
on an even bigger bed. This big bed was called Bedopolis and it was the
size of Rhode Island. An entire city was lying on this bed. Still even
it wasn't the biggest bed for it was on a bed too. A bed the size of
the United States. And this bed was called Bed State. A Bed that was a
State. And even it wasn't the biggest bed ever for it was on a bed too.
A Bed called the World Bed that was so big it spanned the entire
globe. This was the biggest bed. But let us go back to the first bed
and the king who slept on it.
There was a huge celebration on the king's bed with thousands of people
dancing on it. Right near where the king was were cloned members of the
Beatles playing for the king. Next to the king was a beautiful woman in
a pink nightee. The beautiful women spoke.
"I want to thank you for this, your majesty -- for choosing me out of
all of the girls in my small village. I am very honored! I hope I can
please you!"
"Umm, right. Name?"
"I am Girlfriend 11-20-2030!"
"Champagne?" King Mookie said he offered her a glass.
She took a sip. "Mmm. This is so good!"
"It should be. It's a trillion dollars a bottle."
"Oh my!"
"And I don't choose the girls. I have a task force that does that."
"Of course -- I knew that! I'm just -- I'm just lucky. What you have
done for the world is amazing! So amazing! And now I'm here with you!
The man who saved the world! How did you do it? Come up with the
whole Giant Bed idea?"
"Hmm. I guess I was in bed at the time. And it just came to me. A
giant bed. What if all of humanity worked on a big bed. There would be
no poverty. No war. Just people working together to make a giant bed.
And that's where it came from. The Giant Bed Economic Theory."
"Wow! That's amazing! Still, do you ever wonder what will happen when
the World Bed is finally finished?"
King Mookie smiled. "I've already figured that out. After the World
Bed, we'll start building -- The Solar System Bed! A Bed the size of
the Solar System!"
"Wow! And after that?"
"The Milky Way Bed! A bed the size of our Galaxy!"
"Wow! And after that?"
"Then it will be time for the -- Universe Bed! A bed the size of the
Universe!"
"Wow! Is that even possible?"
"Anything is possible if we all work together."
"Wow! But what happens when the Universe Bed is finished? Where do you
go from there?"
King Mookie frowned. "I don't know. I guess I'm hoping by that stage
in our human evolution that someone else will come up with a better
Economic Theory that doesn't involve building gigantic beds. I hope so
at least."
"Wow! That's amazing. Oh and before I forget, I love 'The Most Awesome
Book Report Ever'. I've read it so many times, I think I have it
memorized. Is it true that you're working on a sequel?"
"Yes. 'The Most Awesome Book Report Ever: The Sequel!' I've been
working on it. I don't know if I'll ever finish it though."
"You've got to! You're the best book report writer ever! Can I read
what you've written so far? Please!"
"Umm -- no. Sorry. In fact there's something I should probably tell
you. Something I've always wanted to tell someone. A secret. Can you
keep a secret?"
"Oh sure! What is it?"
"It's something you can never tell another person as long as you live.
Can you promise that?"
"Promise!"
King Mookie looked around to see if anyone was listening and then he
whispered into Girlfriend 11-20-2030's ear. "You see -- this whole
giant bed utopia, well -- here it is. It's built on a lie."
"A lie?"
King Mookie nodded. "I've never written a book report ever. I've never
written anything. I stole 'The Most Awesome Book Report Ever' off of
the internet. On some newsgroup. The only part of it I did write was
the part with the Santa Claus sharks. The rest of it was stolen."
"My God! Why hasn't anyone ever come forward?"
"Because I either bribed them or killed them."
"God. This is -- I can't believe this."
"And the real truth is that -- everything in the book report is real.
Everything. Except the Santa Claus sharks which is fake."
"But -- but it can't be. It can't be real."
"But it is. And you know what else?" But before King Mookie could
continue someone shrieked.
"Oh god!" Girlfriend 11-20-2030 said as she saw what was happening to
the party. "Sharks! In Santa Claus hats! With chainsaws! They're
killing everyone! But -- but I thought you said that they were fake!?
That you made them up?!"
King Mookie started cackling manically. "Foolish wench! Did you really
think I was King Mookie? Muhahahhaha! King Mookie died 11 years ago!
Yes!!! I killed him and took his place! Do you want to know who I am,
wench? Do you!!!?" He pulled off his King Mookie mask to reveal his
true face.
The face of...
===
To be continued by someone else...
===
Writer's notes:
Needed a break from writing Beige Midnight. Decided to dust this
universe off... Anyone can write the next issue... Anyone...
Arthur "Bed to the bone" Spitzer
Tarq
Girlfriend 11-20-2030 gasped. "Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha
Heifetz! No! I thought... I thought..."
"You thought I was dead!" cackled Jascha Heifetz. "But it's not so
easy to kill a Reborn Undead Vampire, is it? Especially when they have
a tendency to come back as a zombie!"
"Especially when they have a tendency to come back as a zombie!"
agreed a random screaming civilian who was being devoured by a shark
in a Santa Claus hat.
Jascha Heifetz advanced menacingly, reaching into his pocket and
pulling what looked like a switch-blade but was actually a switch-
violin. He switched his switch-violin, making it instead a violin-
switch, and jabbed at the air between them, forcing Girlfriend
11-20-2030 to retreat.
"Dastardly," she gasped. Swallowing, she bravely held her hands out in
what she hoped was a pacifying gesture. "Jascha," she began. "Jascha.
I want you to know... I want you to know I never wanted to things to
end like they did. And..." She shook her head. "But why? Why, Jascha?
After all this time, and eleven years of pretending to be King
Mookie?"
Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha Heifetz lowered his violin-switch
slightly. "Actually, it's a very long story. Are you sure you want to
hear all of it?"
Behind her back, Girlfriend 11-20-2030 pulled the pin out of a
concealed hand grenade and moved closer. Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie
Jascha Heifetz had to be stopped, at any cost. She could only hope
that his death would somehow stop the Santa Claus Shark Massacre o'
2035, and that her own death would not be in vain.
"I searched the world for you, 11-20-2030," Heifetz began. "But it
soon became clear that no one was going to help a Reborn Undead
Vampire Zombie. So... so I..." He began to choke on his words, and he
raised his violin-switch and pulled out a switch-bow which he then
switched into a bow-switch. "Please... may I tell this story through
music?"
Girlfriend 11-20-2030 nodded her consent, the metal of the grenade
cold against her soft hands. "Sure thing, doc."
"Well... Jascha Heifetz went down to California, he was lookin' for a
girlfriend to keell, he was in a bind 'coz he was way behind and he
was willin' to make a deal. He came across King Mookie playin' on the
fiddle and playin' it hot, and Heitfetz jumped up on a hickory stump
and said...