Pointless Awards Man II, resplendent in his uniform of yellow and
blue tuxedo, steps onto stage, and throwing wide all four of his arms
proclaims: "Welcome, my friends, to the SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS!"
(Much applause from audience.)
     "Hey, thank you!  And thanks to everyone for being here for our
big 12th annual award ceremonies!  (More applause.)  Now, you may have
noticed that this year we've folded in the ACCies awards for the Legion
of Net.Heroes: more fodder for the Best Flame War award, there," he grins,
eliciting laughter.  "And to get the show rolling, let's hand a big hand
for the first presenter, who'll be handing our the 'Discretionary' and
'Named' awards, direct from the Swamp Patrol: Arsenal."
     "Hi everybody," says Arsenal as he walks on stage in a tuxedo far
more subdued than PAM2's and with a capgun ostentatiously holstered at
his hip.
     "First up is the LIFE TIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, which goes to the
Looniversal Answering Machine for its consistent hard work in directing
traffic from the alt.comics.lnh newsgroup to rec.arts.comics.creative."
As the the Looniversal Answering Machine walks mechanically on stage and
accepts in a stentorian Robby-the-Robot style voice, Arsenal quips, "I
guess the smear campaign by Arthur Spitzer last year had no effect,
huh?" evoking laughter.
     "Next is the JOESEPH SMITH JR. MEMORIAL AWARD FOR PATRIMONY,
which goes to Rick Hindle for his ability to father so many series."
There is much applause and good natured cat calls accompanying the elven
lawyer Anders Goldenspoke (dressed in elven formal wear, which is much
more spiffy than human formal wear) as he approaches the stage to accept
for the author.
     "That's followed by the THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK AWARD,
for Andrew Perron's ingenious creation of the first Just Imagine
cascade."  ("Hey cool!" exclaims Kid Enthusiastic as he bounds up onto
stage to accept on behalf of his writer.)
     "The 'SON, BE A DENTIST' AWARD, for the writer who most consistently
and sadistically torments their characters, goes to Jamas Enright."  As
the Net.Elementalist climbs the stage, Arsenal says, "Didn't he get
something like this a couple of years ago?"  The Net.Elementalist makes
a sour face and says, "Tell me about it."
     "Finally, the AL SHARPTON/LOUIS FARRAKHAN/REV. JOE LOWRY
AWARD FOR BEING ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY, awarded to Saxon Brenton,
Wil Alambre, and Eagle -- for End of Month Reviews, Wil's Ego, and
moderation, respectively."
     As Windrider swoops in to collect the award, Arsenal muses, "We've
been told that you can fight amongst yourselves as to which person
receives which part of the award."  Windrider looks at Arsenal and
thinks out loud, =( That would hardly be civic minded, now would it? )=
before flying off with the award in his claws.
      "He has a point there," Arsenal says ruefully.  Then he continues,
"Now for the regular Named awards.  First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'!
LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD.  The finalists, in fact the field are:
the Academy of Super Heroes resource homepage [the monitor shows a page
of ASH material], the Blue Light Productions homepage [the monitor shows
the collected BLiP archive], the Legion of Net.Heroes homepage [numerous
resources for trying to cope with the oodles of LNH posts], and RACC at
Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack of recent net.comic releases].
"And the winner is: Wil's Ego!"
     Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on behalf
of the web page owner.  "Another year, another winning, huh?" grins
Arsenal.  Marlo returns the grin with, "Sure looks like it."
     "Finalists for the IMAGE TESTAMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES
NOT INCLUDED) are: Saxon Brenton, and... Everyone."  Arsenal looks
quizzically over at Pointless Wards Man II.  "We're not going to do
that photograph-of-the-awards-handed-out-to-all-participants like
last year, are we?"
     PAM2 shakes his head.  "No, actually, this year we're making little
plastic replicas."  He holds up a transparent perspex awards.
     "O-kaaay," says Arsenal.  "And the winner is... Everyone!"
     As waiters move around the tables, handing out the made-in-Taiwan
awards, PAM2 adds apropos of noting, "And this was despite the attempts
of one voter to stuff the ballot by having Saxon Brenton at first,
second and third place."
     "Next up is the RABBIT BREEDERS CUP.  The finalists are: Martin
Phipps [a coalition of LNHY villains instigate a crossover, and some
teenagers from the LNH2 future fight disasters], Tom Russell [screen
shows a montage of covers from the numerous series in the 8Fold universe],
and Jesse Willey [the Legion and Regal 13 work at cross purposes to stop
the Killfile family of villains, and a talking cat hosts a late night
discussion show].  And the winner is: Martin Phipps."  Applause as
Deja Dude accepts the award.
     "Finally, the JOHNNY SAKO 'COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK'
LOVING CUP for the RACC writer most sorely missed.  The finalists are:
Paul Hardy, Kevin Wilcox and... tsk, Everyone again."  Pointless Awards
Man II raises an eyebrow but says nothing.  "And the winner is..."
(PAM2 grins expectantly)  "Everone," concludes Arsenal flatly.  The
waiters distribute more perspex awards among the guests.
     "Okay, that's it for me," says Arsenal.  "Have a great time everybody."
     "Thanks Arsenal," says Pointless Awards Man II as he leads the
clapping with all four of his hands.  "Our next presenter, straight from
Destiny City, is Shadowraiser!"
     "Hey there everybody," says Shadowraiser in greeting.  "Starting the
countdown through the 'numbered' awards, we begin at RACC19. FAVOURITE
NEW TITLE.  The finalists are Green Knight [the monitor screen shows
the Green Knight trying and failing to scale a building, then taking the
stairs], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [screen shows Legionnaires trying
to negotiate with Y-Plex Burb], and Scenes In The Life Of Possible Man
[Possible Man visits his grandfather]. And the winner is: Legion of
Net.Heroes Volume 2."
     Bandwagon Chick accepts the award, while dressed in a lovely gown
prepared for her by New look Lass.
     "Unfortunately there were no eligible candidates for FAVOURITE NEW
WRITER this year, so we just straight to RACC17. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR.
The finalists are: Jamas Enright, Tom Russell, and Jesse Willey.  And
the winner is: Jamas Enright."
     The Net.Elementalist accepts this award as well, commenting,
"You know, Jamas said he was a bit ambivalent about getting this
particular prize."
     "Revenge for the 'Son, Be A Dentist' thing, huh?" says Shadowraiser,
sharing a vicious grins with the Net.E.
     "Right, the next award is RACC16. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG.  The
field consists of: Apes! [Gorilla Friday schemes to carry out his
creator's plans of uplift, pirate gorillas run amok on the subway, and
Cheesecake-Eater Lad turns everyone in Net.ropolis into apes], the
Looniversal Answering Machine continually winning favourite person who
hangs out on alt.comics.lnh [the Looniversal Answering Machine contrives
to look smug], Speak! parodies in the Deja Dude/Master Blaster Specials
[Deja Dude and Master Blaster smirk], and Pointless Awards Man I still
being..."
     A hand takes the nomination paper.  "Pointless Awards Man I still
being locked in the closet," read Pointless Awards Man I, calmly.
     Pointless Awards Man II goes "geep!" and looks like he's about to
have a heart attack.
     Shadowraiser quite deliberately takes the paper back.  "And the
winner is:" he says, "Apes!"  Gorilla Friday knuckles his way to the
stage to accept the award.  As the gorilla departs Shadowraiser stares
at the mentor and student standing beside him.  PAM1 gestured calmly
for him to continue.
     "Next up is RACC15. BEST FLAMEWAR," Shadowraiser announces.  "The
field consists of: Geo-politics in LNH Asia [the Thai Prime Minster makes
an ultimatum to the Philippines President], 'Should We Have The ACCies
This Year?' [writers and readers digesting the implications of parallel
voting patterns between the ACCies and RACCies in previous years], and
`There Were No Flame Wars This Year, Let's Replace It With The RACC
Peace Prize, Awardable To All Of Us'. "
     "*Not* the highest quality of venom filled exchanges," observed PAM2,
now over his heart attack and trying to lighten the mood.  Without
looking at him PAM1 reaches out and grabs his ear, dragging him down
like a recalcitrant child and telling him, "Respect the subject matter,
Jamie." while PAM1 sputters in a stage whisper, "Ow ow ouchie.  Geez.
Lay off will ya?"
     Shadowraiser deliberately ignores the Laurel and Hardie act taking
place beside him.  "The winner is: Should We Have The ACCies This Year?"
There was applause as Cheesecake-Eater Lad accepts the award.
     "For RACC14. FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC, the finalists
are Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, Brian Perler, and Martin Phipps.  And
the winner is: Saxon Brenton."  Fourth Wall Lass accepts the award on
behalf of the writer.
     "RACC13. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE.  The finalists are: Eightfold
[the screen shows Billy Kidman setting up his bookstore], Academy of
Super Heroes [Beacon and Geode hold hands], and Legion of Net.Heroes
[Teriyaki Chicks looks on in bemusement while Onion Lad and Peelix the
Cat thwart a villain].  And the winner is: the Legion of
...

read more »

--Tom Russell

Martin

_________________________________________________________________
mycareer.com.au: http://www.mycareer.com.au/?s_cid=213596  Land the Job

And congratulations, Tom!