E-metatext: The Life Cycle of the Balrog
David Salo
Gondorian_ for publication. It is reproduced here for comment, with
the kind permission of the editors of that distinguished publication.
The Life Cycle of the Balrog
by Faramir Húrinion, MD, PhD and Imrahil, Ernil e-nDol Amroth, PhD
Abstract: Close study of the Balrog reveals a life-cycle based upon the
processing and combustion of mineral ores with both gaseous and
metallic by-products. The Balrog passes through a series of stages
(egg, larva, adult) that range in size from 40 microns to 3m. It is
recommended that steps be taken for preservation of the Balrog for
scientific and economic reasons.
Keywords: Balrogs, _mithril_, spontaneous combustion
For many centuries, the Balrog (Valarauco ignifer) has been known as
a beautiful but mysterious creature. Accurate descriptions of its
reproductive habits have been hard to come by, limited to anecdotal and
frequently inaccurate reports from Dwarvish miners and speculative
comparisons with its smaller and more urbane relative, the Rog Grisette
(V. pullula). In recent years, however, this situation has changed due
to the indefatigable researches of Dr. Imrahil, who personally went to
Moira to investigate a newly-discovered egg-bed, and was able to return
with two live immature specimens at different stages of growth.
We have unfortunately been unable to observe the Balrog female in
the act of laying its eggs; this is estimated to occur only once every
few millennia. We conjecture, however, that the adult female possesses
an ovipositor which is capable of injecting a fertilized egg mass
(containing tens of thousands of eggs) into cracks in subterranean
rock. The female prefers deep, warm strata in seismically active
areas. Lowering the temperature below 12C kills the eggs. Eggs laid
in geologically inactive areas may remain dormant indefinitely. Eggs
which are disturbed, however, by seismic activity or by external
interference (such as mining operations) begin to hatch.
The hatched egg produces a larval form, or roglet measuring 40-60
microns. The roglets swarm into microscopic fissures in the rock,
seeking mineral deposits which they can embed into a silicate lattice
which forms the basis for their (as yet poorly understood) combustion
process. Once a vein of an appropriate mineral ore (e.g., rutile) is
discovered, the roglets will spread out through it, incorporating atoms
from the mineral into their structure and effectively displacing the
original ore with mineralized roglet shells. Unwanted elements are
excreted at the edge of the vein. At the same time, the latticework of
each roglet expands, increasing the pressure within the vein. Together
with other biological processes, this produces an increase in
temperature, creating a reaction which transforms the mineralized
roglet shells into a metallic alloy. Given the appropriate minerals,
the result is _mithril_; in areas where they are unavailable, other
metals may result.
Upwards of 95% of roglets are consumed in this process. Those few
which remain transform into roglings (ranging in size from 1mm up).
While retaining a lightweight mineralized exoskeleton, the rogling also
generates four jointed limbs, sense organs, and a pair of wings. The
latter only become useful when the rogling ventures into an open space
such as an underground cavern.
The roglings continue to process minerals, which are refined via a
process of combustion that results in a flame (effectively, an
excretion) whenever there is oxygen to burn. For this reason
rogling-infested areas often become oxygen-depleted. In the absence of
sufficient oxygen the excretion takes a form of a thick, dark smoke
surrounding the rogling. Those minerals which are not excreted are
incorporated into the rogling's exoskeleton and contribute to its
growth.
In the unusual event that an egg-mass has been deposited at too
shallow a depth, there is a possibility that the winged roglings will
emerge, not into a cavern, but onto the surface. In this case, the
ready availability of oxygen will cause them to burn continuously. The
outbreak of such a rogling swarm can be extremely dangerous, as the
roglings may alight on any inflammable objects in the vicinity such as
trees, planted fields, sheds, houses, haystacks, etc. Although each
rogling initially produces less heat than a lighted match (and may be
safely held in the hand, providing the flame is allowed to burn
straight upwards without anything intervening), the collective heat of
a swarm is enough to burn down a house or start a forest fire.
Roglings are the objects of predation by a number of subterranean
creatures. We are not, unfortunately, able to name or identify these
creatures, but we have discovered caves filled with burned-out rogling
exoskeleta, evidently crushed or gnawed by the teeth of some large
animal.
When the rogling reaches a length of 10-15 cm it is too massive to
fly. Its locomotion is subsequently quadripedal or bipedal, though the
latter is preferred in later stages of growth. The wings are retained,
however, and continue to grow. They are reportedly used in courtship
displays, though we have not observed this.
The number of Balrogs attaining a length of over 1 m is very small;
there is no certainty that an egg-mass of 10^4 eggs will produce even
one Balrog of this size. Once larger than 1m, however, the Balrog is
practically insusceptible to predation, as its internally generated
heat and the thickness of its shell are effective barriers to most
attacks. The Balrog may attain a height of not less than 3m, though
reports of the size of larger specimens may have been exaggerated. It
is only at this stage that the Balrog begins to breed. Sadly, no
Balrog mating has yet been observed and reported, though we hope that
continued observation will produce results. It would be particularly
gratifying if we could induce a pair to breed in captivity. Attempts
have been made with our two captives, which we believe are of different
sexes (nicknamed 'Slimey' and 'Tante Flossie'), but without visible
result.
We must conclude, therefore, by stressing the absolute necessity of
preserving this most beautiful and delicate of Middle-earth's
creatures. Not only is their conservation a matter of scientific
necessity, it is also fundamental to the economic future of Gondor and
all other technically advanced civilizations. The continued
availability of _mithril_ crucially depends upon the presence of the
Balrog. The plans advocated in Council for the extermination of the
Balrog are deleterious to Gondor's future and should not be executed.
We should, rather, consider the possibility of bringing Balrogs to the
Ered Nimrod and using them to produce _mithril_ under controlled
conditions.
Mark Constantino
effective, and combined with the rythm method should make it, like 99%
effective. Of course, I'm an engineer and I like a safety margin whenever I
estimate.
The real stats I have, are like two pregnancies in a few hundred intercourses.
We are talking screwing in lightbulbs, aren't we? The Phial, light, bulbs, . .
. get it?
Mark Constantino
>intercourses.
At the University in Champaign, you get like 1 abortion a year, and <snip> and
I, unmarried, took that opportunity when I knocked her up and we didn't like
the wattage of the bulb [she lied, to my thinking]. So we hired a doctor of
lighbulbs to come and take it out. It's a sin in my heart but acceptable in
the church where I was baptised.
Let's calculate. I dated 'Liss for a few months, we got in on about 10 or 20
times, in the socket, maybe less. yada blah blah Aleks for 2 years, we got it
on about 243.6 times, yada blah blah, about 2 million. One son and one empty
socket.
Banazir the Jedi Hobbit
> Note: The following communication has been submitted to the _Scientific
> Gondorian_ for publication. It is reproduced here for comment, with
> the kind permission of the editors of that distinguished publication.
>
> The Life Cycle of the Balrog
>
> by Faramir Húrinion, MD, PhD and Imrahil, Ernil e-nDol Amroth, PhD
Referred by: Dr. Banazir Galbasi, University of Northern Mordor at
Morannon
In this short communication, Dr. Faramir and Dr. Imrahil present a
fascinating look at the developmental biology of /Valarauko/. This
research note is a synopsis of findings published in the December 19,
3017 issue of _Nolme_.
The reader may recall that two specimens collected by our colleagues
at the Osgiliath State University have been the longest-studied ones
in captivity of the common wood-rog ("Slimy") and the shadow-winged
whip-at-will ("Tante Flossie" aka "Durin's Bane", a V. naugritrascum).
Look for papers on commercial /Valarauko/ production at conferences
such as the 3018 Symposium for Automation of Underground Refinery
Operations and Networks (SAURON-3018) and trade journals such as the
Naugrim Engineering Society Transactions (NEST) and International
Journal of Mithril and Iridium Metallurgy (MIM).
Upon surveying the Braille Tengwar transcript of our authors'
submission, our blind peer reviewers at the Royal Academy of Minas
Tirith suggested that, in light of the imminent commercialization
potential of your discovery, they be encouraged to file for
intellectual property protection with the Registry Organization for
Gondorian Science at the Gondorian Royal Office of Patent Examination
(http://grope.rogs.gov). We are confident that proposals applying
this research to mithril extraction will be of interest to federal
agencies.
Banazir Galbasi, PhD
Senior Editor, _Scientific Gondorian_
Dr. Flossimel Melkorhin, PhD
Senior Program Director of Bioinformatics, R.O.G.S.
On extended leave from Valagenix Technologies, Inc.
Öjevind Lång
> Note: The following communication has been submitted to the _Scientific
> Gondorian_ for publication. It is reproduced here for comment, with
> the kind permission of the editors of that distinguished publication.
>
> The Life Cycle of the Balrog
>
> by Faramir Húrinion, MD, PhD and Imrahil, Ernil e-nDol Amroth, PhD
[snip]
> We must conclude, therefore, by stressing the absolute necessity of
> preserving this most beautiful and delicate of Middle-earth's
> creatures. Not only is their conservation a matter of scientific
> necessity, it is also fundamental to the economic future of Gondor and
> all other technically advanced civilizations. The continued
> availability of _mithril_ crucially depends upon the presence of the
> Balrog. The plans advocated in Council for the extermination of the
> Balrog are deleterious to Gondor's future and should not be executed.
> We should, rather, consider the possibility of bringing Balrogs to the
> Ered Nimrod and using them to produce _mithril_ under controlled
> conditions.
Ah! The voice of sanity! Yes, the Balrog - that shy, retiring creature -
must indeed be protected against all its natural and unnatural enemies.
Öjevind
Count Tildanor the Balrog
> Gondorian_ for publication. It is reproduced here for comment, with
> the kind permission of the editors of that distinguished publication.
>
> The Life Cycle of the Balrog
Mazbe they're right. Mazbe they ain't. I ain't sazin'. Waz *I*
fogure, ain't none of you hmunsa's damn business.
>
> by Faramir Húrinion, MD, PhD and Imrahil, Ernil e-nDol Amroth, PhD
>
(Who still needs to be brouhgt bax; they could at least have given him
a decent funeral ...)
> (egg, larva, adult) that range in size from 40 microns to 3m. It is
> recommended that steps be taken for preservation of the Balrog for
> scientific and economic reasons.
Knot to wrroz; we cna preserve ourelves ...
>
> Keywords: Balrogs, _mithril_, spontaneous combustion
>
> For many centuries, the Balrog (Valarauco ignifer) has been known as
> a beautiful but mysterious creature. Accurate descriptions of its
> reproductive habits have been hard to come by, limited to anecdotal and
> frequently inaccurate reports from Dwarvish miners and speculative
> comparisons with its smaller and more urbane
and nubile ...
>relative, the Rog Grisette
> (V. pullula). In recent years, however, this situation has changed due
> which forms the basis for their (as yet poorly understood)
And it will remian that waz! Nyahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahahahhahah!!
<sneep brillaint scientific analysis>
> is only at this stage that the Balrog begins to breed. Sadly, no
> Balrog mating has yet been observed and reported, though we hope that
> continued observation will produce results. It would be particularly
> gratifying if we could induce a pair to breed in captivity. Attempts
> have been made with our two captives, which we believe are of different
> sexes (nicknamed 'Slimey' and 'Tante Flossie'), but without visible
> result.
Dream on, mlorats! And let's leave the "gratifying" bit ount ...
> Balrog. The plans advocated in Council for the extermination of the
> Balrog are deleterious to Gondor's future and should not be executed.
And have no cahnce of success nazwaz -- unless by "success" you mean
"utter destruction of Gondor."
> We should, rather, consider the possibility of bringing Balrogs to the
> Ered Nimrod and using them to produce _mithril_ under controlled
> conditions.
They won't staz controlled for very long ...
mwahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha!